Weeds (2005–2012): Season 2, Episode 8 - MILF Money - full transcript

The growing business is very good for Nancy and the Gang, as all of Agrestic seems to want the new "MILF Weed"; Heylia finds out that Conrad is responsible for the new flavor on the street, and she reluctantly becomes a customer; when Celia closes a dog park in her attempt to make Agrestic drug free, she makes more enemies than friends; a visit by Celia to Shane's and Isabelle's school gives Shane a chance to impress Gretchen, but at Celia's expense; Nancy is torn when Peter reveals to her that a friend is about to get squeezed.

Previously on Weeds.

Now that I am partially toeless,
there is no way I can be sent to Iraq.

God wants me to do something else
besides study for the rabbinate.

- Oh, my God. You like that girl?
- I love her.

My name is not on the ballot.

I never filed your intent-to-run papers.

I'll keep my concession speech short.
Fuck you.

I am making Agrestic a drug-free zone.

- Why risk your whole fucking career, man?
- I do it for her.

- I want to help you sell pot.
- No. No way.

- Your turn.
- I got to let you know



that Heylia ain't on board with this.

I ain't scared of no bitch.
It's about money.

Conrad is never here no more,
and business is off.

Conrad? You are my partner.

It is okay.

This is the magic potion, boys and girl.

Advanced nutrients.

More bud, less stem, and away we grow.

Whoa! Yo! Whoa!

Yo, what's up, man?

I'm good, man.

Hey, man.

You bring me a tall, creamy present?

Dude, the cream puff
got two kids and a new husband.



I brought you something better.
Check this out.

Excuse me.

My name is Vernon. I'm a Scorpio.

Lacy. Me, too.

- I'd like to get you high...
- All right.

...because Conrad and I
have come up with a new strain,

and we're really proud of it.

Actually, I'd like a snack
out of that vac-pack, if you don't mind.

It is not that I don't trust you,
it is just that I don't trust Conrad.

Oh, see, now you trying
to hurt my feelings, Vernon.

Hey, only she can call me Vernon.
You call me "sir."

You got a bong up in here, man?

Load it up. Load it up.

That's you. You lit?

All right, let us see what you got.

What do you think, Vernon?

You responsible for this?

Yeah, us. Conrad mostly.

- It is good, isn't it?
- It's smokalicious.

Vern, what up, my nig?
What to do, nephew?

Hey, man, check this out. My man,
Conrad, pimping some new product.

Fan-tizzle-tastic.

- You like that, that there.
- Yeah, yeah.

Hey, look here.

I want to introduce you to the lovely Lacy.

His partner in crime
and a very married MILF.

And that's just breaking my heart.

Is that right?

- I would definitely do you.
- Oh, gee, thanks.

My name is Snoop Dogg, by the way.

Lacy. Hi.

That is that mother-fucking MILF weed.

You know what the MILF weed is,
right, my nigga?

- Mother I'd love to fuck.
- Mother I'd love to fuck.

For sure, that's that MILF weed.

Take that into the booth and put it down,
you know what I'm saying?

For sure. Let's go do it.

I want you to pump the music up

while I talk about this weed I just bought.

You done good, kids.

Maybe you come by tomorrow
and bring us a little more love.

Say, two or three of those happy packs.

Absolutely, Vern.

Get the hell out of here, man.

This is a place of business
and I got work to do.

- You are a bad influence.
- Oh. It was nice meeting you, Lacy.

Pleasure, Vernon.

MILF weed? MILF weed?

This shit is about to get wild.

Fantastic!

Come here. Let us go make some money!

You get a new wig?

Nope. It's mine. Sort of.

I am wearing 500 bucks worth
of human hair extensions from India.

Take a sniff.
There is a faint curry smell to it.

I'm giving an anti-drug speech
at the grammar school

and I need you to be Sober.

What?

Sober the Sasquatch.
He tells kids to stay off drugs.

And you think kids are going to listen

because some idiot
is dressed in a gorilla suit?

No, it is a sasquatch.

Children love and fear him.

That's asinine.

Oh, come on, Dean. You're perfect for it.

And if I stop shaving your back,
you won't even have to wear the suit.

And now I walk away.

Hey, but good luck with that speech

because kids just love
being patronized and lectured.

I hear you want to close the park.

Where am I supposed to take my babies?

- What?
- Where are my babies supposed to play?

Oh, you mean your dogs.

They are my children. They need their park.

No, real children need their park.

Dogs need to take a walk,
do their business, and then go home.

But the dog park is gated off.
The dogs don't bother anyone.

That whole place stinks to high heaven.

It's an eyesore from all
the grass that has been dug up.

There's barking and snarling
going on all day long.

And at night, when the dogs finally leave,

it's filled with teenagers doing drugs.

It is a blight on this community
and it's going.

Do you know what you are?
You are a hater.

You're filled with hate

and you spread it around
to dogs and teenagers...

And you, because
you call your pets children.

So goodbye.

God damn it!

Keep the beer away from Sanjay.

Payday!

- I'm here. I'm right here.
- Okay.

Sanjay.

- Wow.
- We threw in a little bonus.

For the arson.
Not to be taken as encouragement.

- Fine.
- Never again, okay?

Okay.

- Dean.
- Nice. No IRS and no Celia.

People seem to like what we're selling.

- Doug.
- Sweet.

First time somebody's paid me for weed.

- Buy a motorcycle. We can ride together.
- You're dead to me.

- I'm out of here. Make sure the schedule...
- Excuse me.

What?

You forgot something.

No, I didn't.

- Yeah, you did. My envelope.
- Oh, you don't get one.

I don't...

Wait a second. I don't get paid?

Once you reimburse me for room and board

and for a nonrefundable year
of rabbinical school

and for the time I bailed
you out when you got busted,

not to mention lawyers' fees,
then you will be compensated, yeah.

Are you joking? I lost toes for you.

I was in a raid.

I sat in my own pee to save the mother.

Back me up here, guys.

I'm a contributing member of this team.

I cook!

Is that how it is?

All right, that's fine.

Well, I quit.

Cook like a fucking crackhead.

He cooks. He cooks.

Settle, boys and girls.

Let us all put on our listening ears
and settle down.

That's better.

Now, I'd like to welcome
today's special guest speaker,

Councilwoman Hodes.

Well, hello, junior citizens of Agrestic.

I am Councilwoman Hodes,

and I am here today at our
top-ranked grammar school

to make a very special announcement.

Beginning next week, all of Agrestic
will become a drug-free zone.

Okay.

You know how penguins

march 70 miles to get where they're going?

Well, drugs are like penguins.

They march from the ghetto to the suburbs.

Now, to end this migration,

I will be installing surveillance cameras

and drug-free zone signs
throughout Agrestic.

I invite you to bring your parents

to the unveiling
of our first surveillance camera tomorrow

at the corner of Hillside and Harper drives

right across from what will soon
no longer be the dog park. 4:00 p.m.

And now I would like
to introduce a very special guest,

who has an important message for you all.

Sober the Sasquatch!

Drugs are wrong!

I'm putting my big foot down on drugs!

My big foot!

This is not a game, people.

Yes, Shane?

Point of order. Why cameras?

Good question.

Because people behave better

when they know they're being watched.

What about our rights to privacy?

Well, there are more important things
than rights to privacy.

And now...

I think you are turning Agrestic
into a police state.

Yeah!

Drugs are wrong!

I've seen you drunk at my house.

I beg your pardon?

Not like the drunken,
homeless penguins in the ghetto,

but I have definitely seen you drunk.

Well, that's quite enough, Shane.
You can sit down.

Isn't being drunk like being on drugs?
Isn't alcohol a drug?

You do drugs.

You do. You do drugs.

Drugs are wrong!

You do drugs! You do drugs!

The Councilwoman
also likes her speed and Ambien.

Christ, let's go.

All right, that's quite enough.
Settle down.

Wow, my sweat smells like peanuts.

You kicked ass. You took Hodes out.

Props to you, yo.

That was awesome, Shane.

- Are you guys...
- Shut up.

No way.

- Can I see that one, please?
- Yeah, that's the diamond blossom.

Yeah, the right-hand diamond
is very popular these days.

All the stars are wearing them.

It's a symbol of independence
and personal reward.

Well, I deserve a reward.

- I've done very well lately.
- How well?

Okay, take off that piece of shit.
I've got jewelry to show you.

No!

No.

- Shane, what's wrong?
- You totaled my car.

Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry. I didn't see it.

I am not used to driving this low
to the ground.

- Did you total your car, too?
- What?

No. The lease was up. I just bought this.

- Isn't it cute?
- No.

It's crappy and small.

Environmentally responsible.

I liked the Range Rover.

The Range Rover was obnoxious.

There's global warming.

Unless you want the planet
to dissolve into one big ocean...

Global warming is just God's will.

I liked the Range Rover. This car is gay.

Do not be ignorant
just because it's in right now.

Think about the planet for a change.

What is all this stuff?

Mommy decided to buy herself
a few things.

A lot of things.

Yes, a lot of things. I work hard.
I deserve them.

What work?

I run a family.

- Did you buy me anything?
- No.

Do you really think you deserve anything
after what you did today?

- What did I do?
- You called Celia Hodes a drunk.

I got another call
from my dear old friend Principal Dodge.

I think I'm on his speed dial.

I was making a point.

She's trying to make Agrestic
a drug-free zone,

but I think drugs should be legal.

Why?

Because.

So no one gets in trouble.

Hey.

Nobody's gonna get in trouble, okay?

- Go buy yourself a new car.
- Awesome.

Help me get these bags in the house
and then we can go to the movies.

Really? What movie?

How about the Al Gore one
about the total destruction of the planet

and the coming environmental apocalypse?

Cool.

Where's my microwave popcorn?

Now, I know I had one left in here.

Heylia, where are our customers?

Vernon, Kiki, Nancy,
that guy with the harelip?

We ain't been moving shit.

And I hear there's a new strain out there
that everybody wants and we ain't got.

Girl, it's the economy.

And the medical marijuana clubs.

You know, I heard they opening up
one of them drive-throughs in the Valley.

No, Heylia.

Look around. What's missing here?

Make sure you get all the ash
off of my heel, too, now.

- Yo, this here is Teenya.
- Hi.

She's studying that cosmonology.

It's cosmetology.

Girl, I'll throw this beer on you.
Say something else.

So, Louis, tell me about that new strain
everybody been talking up.

I ain't Louis no more,

and I ain't telling you shit
unless you call me U-Turn.

Now, Louis is a perfectly good name,

but if you want to be some
traffic violation, fine by me.

U-turn, why the fuck
ain't I got this new weed?

Now, how is it that
Miss Heylia James do not know?

You getting soft
in your old age or something?

You better mind yourself, Mr. U-turn.

I seen your gangster ass playing violin
in your grandmama's house

with a powder-blue suit
and wide-ass lapels.

So stop fronting.

Now, Heylia,
I don't forget where I come from,

but some people do.

Go on.

The strain is called MILF. MILF weed.

It is the brand of the day.
Everybody love that shit, too.

And it is coming from...

Oh, man, why I got to be the one
to tell you the way it is?

'Cause I started you and I'll finish you
and I need to hear it,

so speak the fuck up.

Fine.

It's your boy, Conrad.
Yeah, him and a white bitch.

They got themselves a real game.

They farmers now.

I gotta say, they are fucking great at it.

You just put your hands out
and send love vibrations to the plant.

That way, the person who smokes it
will feel the love, too.

I think the person
that grew my last pot sent

"eat mini-donuts while playing
with your balls" vibrations to the plant.

- You ain't taking me serious.
- What gave it away?

That Sanjay?

I think it's a Jehovah's Witness.

We're Shinto.

Excuse me. Hello? Hey, hey, hey.

It's cool. It's cool.

Heylia, I came to you first.

You shut me down.

There ain't no excuses
for what you done here.

I laid out my plans. You laughed at me.

We don't grow.

We deal. That's what we do.

That's what you do.

I'm a grown man, Heylia,
and you got to see me like that.

All I see

is that you went off
with one of my customers

and created a new game behind my back.

You lied to me.

You took business from me.

That ain't how a grown man acts.

Heylia, I can help you now, all right?

You could retire early. We could
put money aside for Levan's education.

No, no, no, no.

You're a little piggy.

And what you built here, it ain't right.

And some day,
the big bad wolf's gonna huff and puff

and blow your house down.

And when it happens,
I don't want to be anywhere near you.

You ain't got no faith in your boy.

Didn't you just say you was a man?

Now, see, you cannot have it both ways.

You ain't welcome in my house no more.

Not you, not Barbie.

I don't know you.

Now,

give me three pounds
of that fucking MILF weed.

I got business to take care of.

Why has it got to be like this, Heylia?

You wanted to be on your own.

You on your own.

Who's this Barbie girl? Is she hot?

If you will notice above me,
our very first camera.

And below it, our drug-free zone sign.

We're letting these pushers know
that we are keeping an eye on them.

Agrestic is now officially
a drug-free zone.

Douchebag!

What the fuck?

- Bitch!
- Go home!

You hate dogs!

- Crazy dog freaks!
- Horrible bitch!

I am protecting the humans of Agrestic.

Now, our cameras will be running 24/7.

Give us back our dog park.

Give us back our dog park!

Well, I can see all the
crazies are out today.

Is it true you have a drinking problem,
Councilwoman Hodes?

Nancy has no idea who I am.

Sucks to never be seen, never appreciated.

Sucks when the pie gets eaten
right in front of you

and you helped bake that pie.

- What pie?
- It's a metaphorical pie.

- Am I eating the pie?
- Sort of.

You're benefiting from that pie.

But, really, no.
No pie for you either, my young friend.

Where's our fucking pie?

Life sucks.

Come on, now. Life does not suck.

Unless you have no job, no girlfriend,
eight toes,

life sucks.

Anyway, your mom knows nothing
about what it takes to be a crime lord.

I understand business.
I am an entrepreneur.

I would be great at it.

I mean, I may not be some brainiac,
but I know weed.

- It's the family business, for Christ's sake.
- I say forget her.

We start our own business.

Except we have no money.

Yeah.

Was she impressed? Could you tell?
What did she think of our place?

She never wants to see us again, Nancy.
She was stone cold.

But, like, acting cold
because she was secretly dazzled

by how well we have done?

What, you need Heylia's approval?

- She bought three pounds.
- Of the MILF?

You don't have to be so proud
of the name, okay?

Okay.

- Why did she buy from us?
- So that she can sell it to others.

That's what she does for a living.
All her customers are asking for our shit.

You can't sell what you don't have.

- That's kind of awesome.
- No, it ain't.

Yes, it is.

She bought our stuff
and she'll buy more 'cause it's good.

She's not going to stay mad.

- She can't.
- Woman, you do not know Heylia.

Hi, Shane.

I came to pick up your mom.

She's doing laundry with some black guy.

Would you tell her that I'm here, please?

What's Conrad doing at your house?

Not a great idea, by the way.

Just some old business
with Heylia he wanted to talk about.

Heylia James?

You're not going to have
to worry about her.

- What?
- She's being taken care of.

No.

We don't need that.

There's really no problem
with Heylia, really.

Well, now it's guaranteed.

I thought you said
you didn't care about pot.

That we were under your radar.

No, babe. You are under my radar.

And since I'm keeping you there,
I gotta show my boss some results.

Why don't you show him
some other results

like a crack den
or a meth lab or something?

Heylia is going to lead me
to this guy named U-Turn,

who's dealing a lot more than weed.

Well, why not arrest him
and keep Heylia out of it?

Sweetie, you got to dig the worms
to catch the big fish.

Heylia's been dug up,

and I do not want
to talk about this anymore.

It's my fun time.

I'm thinking tapas. You up for it?