Wayside (2005–2008): Season 1, Episode 31 - Kidswatter: The Movie - full transcript
* So cool and crazy and wild
and upside-down *
* I'm bored
and that's not fun *
* I want to get away
* But I'm too tired to run
* I'm gonna find a place
where there are no rules *
* And the world is wild
* I have the tools
to make things happen *
* And the reaction
will explode *
* The lights go up
* The world flips
upside down *
* I brought the party
to town *
* My deal to make
My chance to take *
* So take a ride
* Fly by the Wayside
* And fly by the Wayside
* The lights go up
* The world flips
upside down *
* I brought the party
to town *
* My deal to make
My chance to take *
* So take a ride
* So take a ride
* Fly by the Wayside,
Wayside! *
* Fly by the Wayside,
Wayside! *
* Wayside!
(GLASS SHATTERING,
CHICKEN CLUCKING)
(BUGLE CALL FOLLOWED
BY A LOUD BLAST)
(MORE LOUD BLASTS,
BOMB WHISTLES THOUGH AIR)
STUDENTS:
AND THAT'S EXACTLY
HOW YOU'RE GOING
TO MAKE THE MOVIE!
THANK YOU.
MYRON:
WHY THANK YOU,
PRINCIPAL KIDSWATTER.
WHAT A WONDERFUL
PRESENTATION.
MYRON:
WOW! PRINCIPAL KIDSWATTER,
THIS FILM CLASS
WAS A GREAT IDEA!
THANK YOU, MARTHA.
IT'S MYRON.
OF COURSE IT IS,
MELON.
SO WHAT KIND OF MOVIE
ARE WE MAKING?
OOH! COULD WE PUT
MONSTERS IN IT?!
YES!
AND ACTION!
YES! HI-YA!
AND COMPELLING EMOTIONAL ARCS?!
YEEEESSSS!
ALL:
AND ALL THAT AND MORE.
BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY,
IT'S CALLED...
"KIDSWATTER: THE MOVIE?"
WE'RE MAKING A FILM
ABOUT OUR PRINCIPAL?
THIS IS JUST SO WEIRD.
MYRON:
YOU MEAN...
SO GREAT!
HEY, WHAT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT
JOB ON A FILM?
I DON'T KNOW.
DIRECTOR?
DIBS ON DIRECTOR!
OKAY,
BUT I WANNA BE
THE PRODUCER.
THEY MAKE ALL THE RULES!
SO MY FIRST RULE IS...
MAURECIA,
YOU'RE THE STUNT COORDINATOR!
WICKED!
I CAN FINALLY TRY
THAT TRIPLE BACKFLIP!
I'LL DO SPECIAL EFFECTS!
AND WHO WILL BE
MY STAR!
I NEED SOMEONE COOL.
I CAN DO COOL!
SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?!
YOU, MY FRIEND,
ARE GONNA BE A STAR.
:
"...KIDSWATTER CHARGES
INTO SCENE
ATOP HIS MAGICAL UNICORN
WITH A HORDE OF VIKINGS
IN HOT PURSUIT."
NO WAIT! "NINJAS."
NO, NO, NO.
"NINJA VIKINGS IN HOT PURSUIT!"
I'M ALMOST DONE!
YOU CAN'T RUSH CREATIVITY!
TODD:
PRINCIPAL KIDSWATTER?
YOU'RE... YOU'RE...
YOU'RE...
YOU!
I'LL BE PLAYING YOU,
MR. KIDSWATTER.
I'M GOING TO BE STUDYING
YOUR EVERY MOVE.
I HEAR THAT'S HOW ACTORS
PREPARE FOR A PART.
OF COURSE YOU WILL,
MY YOUNG PROTEGE.
BUT I WARN YOU...
I AM AN EXTREMELY
SOPHISTICATED
AND COMPLEX CHARACTER.
OOH! POPCORN!
HMMM...
INTERESTING.
I'M GONNA BE MORE
KIDSWATTER
THAN EVEN KIDSWATTER!
POPCORN!
BRING IN
THE NEW SET!
MYRON:
HMM...
I'M JUST NOT FEELING THIS.
SOMETHING'S MISSING.
I NEED DRAMA.
I NEED PATHOS...
I NEED THIS!
MYRON,
YOU WANT US TO BUILD THIS?
WE CAN'T BUILD THIS!
MYRON:
GIMMIE! GIMMIE! GIMMIE!
GIMMIE! GIMMIE!
GIMMIE! GIMMIE! GIMMIE!
GIMMIE! GIMMIE!
KIDSWATTER:
WHAT IS MY TRUE ESSENCE,
YOU ASK?
THE RIDDLE INSIDE
THE MYSTERY
STUFFED INTO
THE CORDUROY BLAZER
THAT IS ME?
UM, NO.
ACTUALLY,
I JUST WANTED TO KNOW
WHAT YOUR FAVORITE COLOR IS?
POWER!
THAT'S WHY I DO
THIS JOB.
BEING PRINCIPAL
IS LIKE BEING...
THE MOST POWERFUL MAN
IN SCHOOL!
IS IT POWER BLUE,
RED OR BEIGE?
BUT SOMETIMES,
THESE STRANGE LITTLE PEOPLE,
THEY'RE OUT TO GET YOU!
JUST LOOK AT THEM
OVER THERE.
TODD:
YOU MEAN THOSE LIGHT STANDS?
CALL 'EM WHAT YOU WANT,
344,
BUT THEY'LL NEVER
TAKE ME ALIVE!
HI-YA!
WHAT ABOUT
EGGSHELL WHITE?
DO YOU LIKE
THAT COLOR?
NOW THAT'S MORE LIKE
THE WAYSIDE I KNOW.
SPECIAL EFFECTS:
DID WE FIGURE OUT HOW TO DO
THAT BIG WIND STORM YET?
PERFECT!
WE'VE GOT VOLCANOES,
VIKING NINJAS,
AND ALIENS.
AREN'T WE STRETCHING
THE TRUTH
JUST A BIT HERE?
THERE'S NO FUSSIN'
OVER FACTS
IN THE DREAM FACTORY,
DANA.
THAT LAST SCHOOL SET
LOOKED TOO MUCH
LIKE A SCHOOL.
THIS,
ON THE OTHER HAND,
LOOKS LIKE A MOVIE!
PLACES PLEASE!
ROLL CAMERAS!
MYRON:
ACTION!
CUE THE GLADIATORS.
BRING IN
THE "RECESS DRAGON!"
THE WHAT?
ERICS:
AAAHHHH!
TODD, YOU'RE ON!
I AM KIDSWATTER...
I AM KIDSWATTER...
POWERFUL, PARANOID,
OUT OF CONTROL...
I AM HE -
KIDSWATTER!
YOU'RE GONNA DO GREAT,
344 SOUTH FAIRVIEW.
OOH!
I-I MEAN KIDSWATTER.
BREAK A LEG.
JUST NOT MY LEG.
MYRON:
ACTION!
TODD:
ATTENTION, STUDENTS,
ATTENTION.
THIS IS YOUR PRINCIPAL.
BEHOLD MY LASER-SHOOTING
MICROPHONE!
PSHOO! PSHOO! PSHOO!
MYRON:
CUT!
SPECIAL EFFECTS!
WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE SPECIAL EFFECTS?
TODD:
YOU CALL THAT A LASER, MIKE?
STEPHEN:
I'M NOT MIKE;
I'M STEPHEN.
TODD:
WHATEVER.
WILL ONE OF YOU
WHATCHAMACALLITS HELP ME HERE?
LOUIS! LOUIS!
ARGH!
WHERE'S LOUIS?
YES, MISTER K?
UH, I MEAN...
TODD?
I MEAN... MR. K?
I MEAN,
WHOAAAAAAA...
TODD:
OH... UH...
SORRY ABOUT THAT.
I GOT A BIT CARRIED AWAY
WITH MY CHARACTER.
IT'S HARD TO SHUT IT OFF
SOMETIMES.
TELL ME ABOUT IT.
WHO SAID THAT?
ARE YOU TALKING BEHIND
MY BACK AGAIN?
IN FRONT OF MY BACK!
WHOSE BACK IS THIS
ANYWAY?
ARGH!
STUPID GOOZACK!
UGH!
WHAT'S THAT
ALL ABOUT?
TODD MUST BE
A METHOD ACTOR!
HE GETS SO DEEPLY
INTO HIS ROLE
THAT HE ACTUALLY BELIEVES
HE IS THAT CHARACTER!
BUT THEN WHY'D HE HIT
THE DOOR LIKE THAT?
THIS IS JUST SO WEIRD.
UGH! I DON'T KNOW
HOW THESE ACTORS DO IT.
ONE MINUTE, I'M TODD
AND THE NEXT MINUTE...
YOU'RE ALL OUT
TO BRING ME DOWN!
(FRIGHTENED SHIVERING
AND SHAKING)
DANA:
WOW! THAT'S SO BELIEVABLE,
TODD.
WHO?
YOU'VE TOTALLY NAILED
MR. K'S CHARACTER.
BOSSY AND BRASH,
PERPLEXED AND PARANOID.
AND A LITTLE BIT
NUTS.
BUT WE MIGHT NEED YOU
TO TONE IT DOWN A BIT
WHEN WE'RE ON SET.
WHAT?
YOU CAN'T TELL ME
WHAT TO DO!
I AM THE MOST
POWERFUL MAN IN SCHOOL.
I AM PRINCIPAL KIDSWATTER!
AND YOU'LL NEVER
TAKE ME ALIVE!
DANA:
O-KAY.
NOT BAD.
BUT ACCORDING TO THE SCRIPT,
YOUR LINE IS:
"HOMEWORK
SHMOME-WORK."
TODD:
OH, I SEE.
FIRST YOU "FIX" MY LINES,
THEN YOU "FIX" ME!
WELL, HOW'S THIS FOR A LINE?
YOU'RE FIRED!
WHAT?!
TALL ERIC:
BUT SHE'S THE PRODUCER!
YOU'RE FIRED, TOO!
AND YOU! AND YOU!
AND EVEN YOU!
TODD,
WHAT'RE YOU DOING?!
GETTING TO THEM BEFORE
THEY GET TO ME, MARTHA.
IT'S MYRON.
OKAY, MORTY...
YOU'RE BOTH FIRED!
MR. K?
I MEAN, TODD?
I MEAN... OHHHH...
IT'S ALL TOO MUCH.
NOW, HURRY, PEOPLE!
TIME IS MONEY!
LET'S SHOOT THIS THING ALREADY!
STUDENTS:
HEY!
WHERE'S EVERYONE GOING?!
KIDSWATTER:
PAPAYA PINK.
HUH?
PAPAYA PINK.
IT'S MY FAVORITE COLOR.
OH.
UH... DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
SEE?
YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ME.
OR ANYONE ELSE
IN THIS SCHOOL,
FOR THAT MATTER.
WHAT...
WHAT'VE I BECOME?
ALL I WANTED TO DO
WAS PLAY MR. KIDSWATTER RIGHT.
BUT MY SUCCESS HAS BECOME
MY FAILURE.
MYRON:
NICE.
I THINK WE CAN USE
SOME OF THAT.
CAN YOU TRY
THAT SPEECH AGAIN,
THIS TIME WITH FEELING?
MM, MM, MMM!
TODD:
ATTENTION, STUDENTS, ATTENTION!
I'VE COME TO SAVE
OUR SCHOOL!
LET THAT BE A LESSON
TO YOU.
WE'RE NOT JUST STUDENTS HERE
AT WAYSIDE -
WE'RE BEST FRIENDS.
FAMILY.
I FORGOT THAT ONCE,
AND I'M SORRY.
BUT NOW IT'S ALL AS CLEAR
TO ME AS...
PAPAYA PINK.
SO... WHA'CHA THINK,
MR. KIDSWATTER?
I THINK...
IT'S ONE OF THE BEST FILMS
I'VE EVER SEEN.
WELL,
EXCEPT FOR THAT PART
WITH THE LAME KID
MAKING THE SPEECH.
WHO'S THAT SUPPOSED
TO BE AGAIN?
THE SPIRIT OF WAYSIDE,
MR. K.
I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE YOU,
BUT EVEN MORE YOU
THAN YOU'VE EVER BEEN.
YEAH RIGHT!
LET'S LOSE
ALL THE TALKY STUFF
AND JUST FINISH
WITH THAT BIG LASER BATTLE.
BY THE WAY...
LOVE THE CAMERA WORK.
ACK!
STUPID GRAVITY.
MYRON:
ATTENTION!
HAVE NO FEAR,
MYRON THE SAFETY MONITOR
IS HERE!
LOOKIN' GOOD,
MY MAN.
OH-NO!
UNSAFE ALERT!
DANGER!
MY SHOELACE IS UNTIED!
MISS MUSH:
MUSHROOM SURPRISE, COMING-
WHOA!
ERICS:
WHOA!
AHHH!
A SAFETY MONITOR'S WORK
IS NEVER DONE.
HELLO ERIC,
ERIC AND ERIC.
ERICS:
HELP!
NOT NOW.
CAN'T YOU SEE I'M BUSY
KEEPING THE SCHOOL SAFE?
I THINK MYRON IS PROBABLY
THE MOST UNSAFE
SAFETY MONITOR
IN THE WORLD.
NO KIDDING.
AT RECESS, I SAW HIM
WAX THE STAIRS...
JUST SO HE COULD STARE
AT HIS OWN REFLECTION.
AT LEAST NO ONE
HAS SLIPPED IN IT.
KIDSWATTER:
AIIIIIIIIIIE!
I WAS ON THE 20TH FLOOR
JUST A SECOND AGO.
PRINCIPAL KIDSWATTER,
YOU NEED TO DO SOMETHING
ABOUT SCHOOL SAFETY!
NO CAN DO, CHILDREN.
I'M IN THE MIDDLE
OF TEACHING MYSELF
HOW TO BE A LION TAMER!
TALK TO MRS. JEWLS.
MRS JEWLS:
AIIIIIIIIIIE!
THAT'S STRANGE.
I WAS ON THE 30TH FLOOR
JUST A SECOND AGO.
IT'S MYRON -
HE WAXED THE STAIRS.
WE NEED TO FIRE HIM
FROM HIS JOB
AS SAFETY MONITOR.
I WISH I COULD.
BUT NO ONE EVER
APPOINTED HIM.
HE JUST SHOWED UP
ONE DAY
WEARING THAT SPIFFY UNIFORM.
WELL, THEN IF THE POSITION'S
VACANT,
I VOLUNTEER TO FILL IT!
YOU, MAURECIA?
YEAH, SURE.
SOUNDS LIKE FUN.
PULL OVER.
UM... OKAY.
WHAT SEEMS TO BE
THE TROUBLE, MAURECIA?
IT'S MO.
OFFICER MO.
WALKING A LITTLE FAST,
WEREN'T CHA?
I DON'T KNOW.
WAS I?
WATCH IT,
YOUNG MAN!
I'VE SEEN FOLKS HOOFIN' HALF
YOUR SPEED.
THEY TRIP, FALL.
KNEES SCRAPED;
LIVES RUINED.
NOT A PRETTY SIGHT.
I'M WRITING YOU UP A TICKET,
CUTIE PIE.
IT'S FOR YOUR OWN
SAFETY.
ONE MANGO 12,
ONE MANGO 12,
WE HAVE A 10-80 IN PROGRESS,
PLEASE RESPOND.
MANGO 12 RESPONDING.
COPY THAT.
SEND UNIT.
ROGER. I'M IN PURSUIT.
CAN I SEE THAT TICKET
FOR A SEC?
IT'S FROM MAUREC- ER-
OFFICER MO.
HA!
I'M THE ONLY SAFETY MONITOR
AROUND HERE, TODD,
AND I SAY YOU CAN WALK
AS FAST
OR AS SLOW AS YOU WANT
FROM NOW ON.
OR BETTER YET...
DANCE!
DANCE LIKE YOU'RE
THE ONLY PERSON
IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD!
MAURECIA:
FREEZE!
STEP OFF THE SWING,
JENNY.
OH WOW!
NICE GET UP,
SISTA MO.
IT'S OFFICER MO.
AND I CLOCKED YOU
EXCEEDING THE SWING LIMIT.
THAT SOUNDS FAST.
HALL PASS AND SCHOOL
REGISTRATION PLEASE.
UM...
I THINK I LEFT THEM IN
MY OTHER PANTS, MAN.
LIKELY STORY.
'FRAID I'M GONNA HAVE
TO TAKE YA DOWNTOWN.
DOWNTOWN?
BUT WE'RE NOT ALLOWED
TO LEAVE SCHOOL PROPERTY?
YOU PUNKS ARE ALWAYS
TRYING TO GET OFF
ON A TECHNICALITY.
BUT I'M WRITIN' YOU UP
ANYWAY!
OH WOW.
WELL, I DON'T THINK
YOU'RE FINISHED HAVING FUN.
BUT THE SAFETY MONITOR
SAID-
I'M THE ONLY
SAFETY MONITOR HERE,
AND I SAID:
HAVE FUN!
I SAID HAVE FUN!
JENNY:
OH! WOW!
KIDSWATTER:
"HOW TO TRAIN A LION."
"STEP ONE: GET A LION."
OKAY, DID THAT.
"STEP TWO:
USE WHIP TO SCARE LION."
HMM, THIS LION-TAMING STUFF
IS A LOT TRICKIER
THAN I EXPECTED.
MAURECIA:
DROP THE PUMPKIN!
NICE AND SLOW!
AND NO FUNNY BUSINESS!
LIKE THIS?
YEAH, LIKE THAT!
OKAY, THAT'S IT,
I WARNED YA!
MAURECIA:
WIPE THAT SMILE OFF
YOUR FACE!
I GOT IT!
I GOT IT!
YOUR FOOTBALL
IS TOO POINTY!
BUSTED! BUSTED!
AND BUSTED.
YEAH!
PLAY SAFE.
PLAY SAFE.
IT'S SAFETY.
IT'S SAFETY.
WELL, WELL, WELL.
LOOKS LIKE WE'VE GOT
A CHEWER HERE!
ANY OTHER GUM
OFFENDERS?
COME ON, EVERYONE,
YAPS OPEN!
STICK OUT YOUR LICKERS.
MOUTH INSPECTION!
STUDENTS:
AHH...
HMM...
MYRON:
AHOY!
AS WAYSIDE'S ONLY
SAFETY MONITOR,
I PROCLAIM GUM
IS SAFE AND FUN!
WHAT?!
CHEW, FRIENDS!
CHEW LIKE BEAVERS!
MMM!
MMM!
MMM!
MMM!
MMM!
FREEZE!
PUT THE GUM DOWN!
NOW BLOW, FRIENDS!
BLOW LIKE THE SUMMER WIND!
STOP!
THIS IS VERY UNSAFE!
NOOOOOOOOO!
WOOO HOOOO!
THAT WAS THE FUNNIEST THING
THAT I'VE EVER SEEN!
WHAT THE?!
ALL THE TICKETS
I HANDED OUT?!
MYRON,
YOU'RE UNDER ARREST
FOR IMPERSONATING
A SAFETY MONITOR!
NO, YOU'RE UNDER ARREST
FOR IMPERSONATING ME!
PLUS MY UNIFORM IS WAY BETTER
THAN YOURS -
BEHOLD THE SASH
AND BADGE!
ARE YOU HAVING
FUN YET?
"STEP 54:
NEVER RUN AWAY
FROM A LION.
IT WILL THINK YOU'RE
A GAZELLE AND EAT YOU!"
THAT'S A GOOD ONE!
OOH, LOOK!
I'M A GAZELLE!
LA LA LA!
HEE HEE HEE!
OH LOOK,
I'M A GAZELLE.
YOU CAN'T CATCH ME!
I'M LEAPING,
I'M JUMPING.
HEE HEE HEE!
LIKE A RABBIT!
NOW I'M A LITTLE BUNNY RABBIT.
OH YEAH?
WHY DON'T WE LET
THE STUDENTS DECIDE
WHO THE BEST SAFETY
MONITOR IS.
THOSE WHO THINKS IT'S HER,
CHEER.
THOSE WHO THINK IT'S ME,
CHEER LOUDER.
BEGIN.
STUDENTS:
GET US DOWN!
HELP! HELP!
OH NO!
NOW I'M AN OLD TURTLE.
BETTER HURRY UP,
HERE COMES THE LION.
STUDENTS:
GET US DOWN! HELP! HELP!
GET US DOWN!
HELP! HELP!
MYRON,
I HAVE TO SAY
YOU ARE ONE OF THE MOST UNSAFE
SAFETY OFFICERS EVER.
EXACTLY!
DANA:
AND YOU, MAURECIA,
ARE ONE OF THE MOST UNFUN
SAFETY MONITORS EVER!
WHAT?!
MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY.
WHICH IS WHY WE SHOULD
ALL JUST...
WORK TOGETHER.
HUH?
NO, THAT'S NOT WHAT
I WAS GONNA SAY.
LOOK, MAURECIA CAN
ENFORCE THE RULES.
AND MYRON CAN MAKE EVERYONE
FEEL GOOD ABOUT IT!
OUT OF THE WAY!
SAFETY EMERGENCY!
MY SAFETY EMERGENCY!
HELP!
HEY!
MYRON'S FLOOR WAX!
LEAD HIM OVER HERE,
MYRON!
I HAVE A PLAN!
GREAT IDEA!
HE CAN EAT YOU
FIRST!
AND NOW,
I'M A WIDDLE KITTY CAT.
YOU WOULDN'T HURT ME,
WOULD YOU?
HMM...
I COULD SWEAR THERE
WAS A LION IN HERE.
THERE YOU ARE!
STEP TWO.
LION:
OH, HAROLD,
I'M ABSOLUTELY AT WITS END
WITH THESE RANK AMATEURS.
BE A GOOD CHAP
AND BRING THE LIMO AROUND.
I'LL AWAIT YOUR ARRIVAL
OUT FRONT.
DON'T TAKE IT TO HEART,
MY GOOD MAN.
IT'S NOT FOR EVERYONE.
AMATEUR?
NICE JOB,
MYRON.
IF YOU HADN'T RUN
IN TERROR,
I NEVER COULD'VE BRAVELY
TRAPPED HIM IN THE LOCKER.
YOU'RE RIGHT!
YOU KNOW, WE ACTUALLY
DO WORK WELL TOGETHER.
SO, WHAT DO YOU SAY?
TODD:
THAT'S GREAT, GUYS.
BUT CAN YOU GET US
DOWN NOW?
STUDENTS:
LET'S DO THIS THANG.
MAURECIA:
SORRY GUYS,
NO RUNNING IN THE HALLS
PERMITTED.
ALL:
AWWWW...
BUT NO ONE SAID ANYTHING
ABOUT NO DANCIN'
IN THE HALLS.
ALL:
YAY!
and upside-down *
* I'm bored
and that's not fun *
* I want to get away
* But I'm too tired to run
* I'm gonna find a place
where there are no rules *
* And the world is wild
* I have the tools
to make things happen *
* And the reaction
will explode *
* The lights go up
* The world flips
upside down *
* I brought the party
to town *
* My deal to make
My chance to take *
* So take a ride
* Fly by the Wayside
* And fly by the Wayside
* The lights go up
* The world flips
upside down *
* I brought the party
to town *
* My deal to make
My chance to take *
* So take a ride
* So take a ride
* Fly by the Wayside,
Wayside! *
* Fly by the Wayside,
Wayside! *
* Wayside!
(GLASS SHATTERING,
CHICKEN CLUCKING)
(BUGLE CALL FOLLOWED
BY A LOUD BLAST)
(MORE LOUD BLASTS,
BOMB WHISTLES THOUGH AIR)
STUDENTS:
AND THAT'S EXACTLY
HOW YOU'RE GOING
TO MAKE THE MOVIE!
THANK YOU.
MYRON:
WHY THANK YOU,
PRINCIPAL KIDSWATTER.
WHAT A WONDERFUL
PRESENTATION.
MYRON:
WOW! PRINCIPAL KIDSWATTER,
THIS FILM CLASS
WAS A GREAT IDEA!
THANK YOU, MARTHA.
IT'S MYRON.
OF COURSE IT IS,
MELON.
SO WHAT KIND OF MOVIE
ARE WE MAKING?
OOH! COULD WE PUT
MONSTERS IN IT?!
YES!
AND ACTION!
YES! HI-YA!
AND COMPELLING EMOTIONAL ARCS?!
YEEEESSSS!
ALL:
AND ALL THAT AND MORE.
BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY,
IT'S CALLED...
"KIDSWATTER: THE MOVIE?"
WE'RE MAKING A FILM
ABOUT OUR PRINCIPAL?
THIS IS JUST SO WEIRD.
MYRON:
YOU MEAN...
SO GREAT!
HEY, WHAT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT
JOB ON A FILM?
I DON'T KNOW.
DIRECTOR?
DIBS ON DIRECTOR!
OKAY,
BUT I WANNA BE
THE PRODUCER.
THEY MAKE ALL THE RULES!
SO MY FIRST RULE IS...
MAURECIA,
YOU'RE THE STUNT COORDINATOR!
WICKED!
I CAN FINALLY TRY
THAT TRIPLE BACKFLIP!
I'LL DO SPECIAL EFFECTS!
AND WHO WILL BE
MY STAR!
I NEED SOMEONE COOL.
I CAN DO COOL!
SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?!
YOU, MY FRIEND,
ARE GONNA BE A STAR.
:
"...KIDSWATTER CHARGES
INTO SCENE
ATOP HIS MAGICAL UNICORN
WITH A HORDE OF VIKINGS
IN HOT PURSUIT."
NO WAIT! "NINJAS."
NO, NO, NO.
"NINJA VIKINGS IN HOT PURSUIT!"
I'M ALMOST DONE!
YOU CAN'T RUSH CREATIVITY!
TODD:
PRINCIPAL KIDSWATTER?
YOU'RE... YOU'RE...
YOU'RE...
YOU!
I'LL BE PLAYING YOU,
MR. KIDSWATTER.
I'M GOING TO BE STUDYING
YOUR EVERY MOVE.
I HEAR THAT'S HOW ACTORS
PREPARE FOR A PART.
OF COURSE YOU WILL,
MY YOUNG PROTEGE.
BUT I WARN YOU...
I AM AN EXTREMELY
SOPHISTICATED
AND COMPLEX CHARACTER.
OOH! POPCORN!
HMMM...
INTERESTING.
I'M GONNA BE MORE
KIDSWATTER
THAN EVEN KIDSWATTER!
POPCORN!
BRING IN
THE NEW SET!
MYRON:
HMM...
I'M JUST NOT FEELING THIS.
SOMETHING'S MISSING.
I NEED DRAMA.
I NEED PATHOS...
I NEED THIS!
MYRON,
YOU WANT US TO BUILD THIS?
WE CAN'T BUILD THIS!
MYRON:
GIMMIE! GIMMIE! GIMMIE!
GIMMIE! GIMMIE!
GIMMIE! GIMMIE! GIMMIE!
GIMMIE! GIMMIE!
KIDSWATTER:
WHAT IS MY TRUE ESSENCE,
YOU ASK?
THE RIDDLE INSIDE
THE MYSTERY
STUFFED INTO
THE CORDUROY BLAZER
THAT IS ME?
UM, NO.
ACTUALLY,
I JUST WANTED TO KNOW
WHAT YOUR FAVORITE COLOR IS?
POWER!
THAT'S WHY I DO
THIS JOB.
BEING PRINCIPAL
IS LIKE BEING...
THE MOST POWERFUL MAN
IN SCHOOL!
IS IT POWER BLUE,
RED OR BEIGE?
BUT SOMETIMES,
THESE STRANGE LITTLE PEOPLE,
THEY'RE OUT TO GET YOU!
JUST LOOK AT THEM
OVER THERE.
TODD:
YOU MEAN THOSE LIGHT STANDS?
CALL 'EM WHAT YOU WANT,
344,
BUT THEY'LL NEVER
TAKE ME ALIVE!
HI-YA!
WHAT ABOUT
EGGSHELL WHITE?
DO YOU LIKE
THAT COLOR?
NOW THAT'S MORE LIKE
THE WAYSIDE I KNOW.
SPECIAL EFFECTS:
DID WE FIGURE OUT HOW TO DO
THAT BIG WIND STORM YET?
PERFECT!
WE'VE GOT VOLCANOES,
VIKING NINJAS,
AND ALIENS.
AREN'T WE STRETCHING
THE TRUTH
JUST A BIT HERE?
THERE'S NO FUSSIN'
OVER FACTS
IN THE DREAM FACTORY,
DANA.
THAT LAST SCHOOL SET
LOOKED TOO MUCH
LIKE A SCHOOL.
THIS,
ON THE OTHER HAND,
LOOKS LIKE A MOVIE!
PLACES PLEASE!
ROLL CAMERAS!
MYRON:
ACTION!
CUE THE GLADIATORS.
BRING IN
THE "RECESS DRAGON!"
THE WHAT?
ERICS:
AAAHHHH!
TODD, YOU'RE ON!
I AM KIDSWATTER...
I AM KIDSWATTER...
POWERFUL, PARANOID,
OUT OF CONTROL...
I AM HE -
KIDSWATTER!
YOU'RE GONNA DO GREAT,
344 SOUTH FAIRVIEW.
OOH!
I-I MEAN KIDSWATTER.
BREAK A LEG.
JUST NOT MY LEG.
MYRON:
ACTION!
TODD:
ATTENTION, STUDENTS,
ATTENTION.
THIS IS YOUR PRINCIPAL.
BEHOLD MY LASER-SHOOTING
MICROPHONE!
PSHOO! PSHOO! PSHOO!
MYRON:
CUT!
SPECIAL EFFECTS!
WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE SPECIAL EFFECTS?
TODD:
YOU CALL THAT A LASER, MIKE?
STEPHEN:
I'M NOT MIKE;
I'M STEPHEN.
TODD:
WHATEVER.
WILL ONE OF YOU
WHATCHAMACALLITS HELP ME HERE?
LOUIS! LOUIS!
ARGH!
WHERE'S LOUIS?
YES, MISTER K?
UH, I MEAN...
TODD?
I MEAN... MR. K?
I MEAN,
WHOAAAAAAA...
TODD:
OH... UH...
SORRY ABOUT THAT.
I GOT A BIT CARRIED AWAY
WITH MY CHARACTER.
IT'S HARD TO SHUT IT OFF
SOMETIMES.
TELL ME ABOUT IT.
WHO SAID THAT?
ARE YOU TALKING BEHIND
MY BACK AGAIN?
IN FRONT OF MY BACK!
WHOSE BACK IS THIS
ANYWAY?
ARGH!
STUPID GOOZACK!
UGH!
WHAT'S THAT
ALL ABOUT?
TODD MUST BE
A METHOD ACTOR!
HE GETS SO DEEPLY
INTO HIS ROLE
THAT HE ACTUALLY BELIEVES
HE IS THAT CHARACTER!
BUT THEN WHY'D HE HIT
THE DOOR LIKE THAT?
THIS IS JUST SO WEIRD.
UGH! I DON'T KNOW
HOW THESE ACTORS DO IT.
ONE MINUTE, I'M TODD
AND THE NEXT MINUTE...
YOU'RE ALL OUT
TO BRING ME DOWN!
(FRIGHTENED SHIVERING
AND SHAKING)
DANA:
WOW! THAT'S SO BELIEVABLE,
TODD.
WHO?
YOU'VE TOTALLY NAILED
MR. K'S CHARACTER.
BOSSY AND BRASH,
PERPLEXED AND PARANOID.
AND A LITTLE BIT
NUTS.
BUT WE MIGHT NEED YOU
TO TONE IT DOWN A BIT
WHEN WE'RE ON SET.
WHAT?
YOU CAN'T TELL ME
WHAT TO DO!
I AM THE MOST
POWERFUL MAN IN SCHOOL.
I AM PRINCIPAL KIDSWATTER!
AND YOU'LL NEVER
TAKE ME ALIVE!
DANA:
O-KAY.
NOT BAD.
BUT ACCORDING TO THE SCRIPT,
YOUR LINE IS:
"HOMEWORK
SHMOME-WORK."
TODD:
OH, I SEE.
FIRST YOU "FIX" MY LINES,
THEN YOU "FIX" ME!
WELL, HOW'S THIS FOR A LINE?
YOU'RE FIRED!
WHAT?!
TALL ERIC:
BUT SHE'S THE PRODUCER!
YOU'RE FIRED, TOO!
AND YOU! AND YOU!
AND EVEN YOU!
TODD,
WHAT'RE YOU DOING?!
GETTING TO THEM BEFORE
THEY GET TO ME, MARTHA.
IT'S MYRON.
OKAY, MORTY...
YOU'RE BOTH FIRED!
MR. K?
I MEAN, TODD?
I MEAN... OHHHH...
IT'S ALL TOO MUCH.
NOW, HURRY, PEOPLE!
TIME IS MONEY!
LET'S SHOOT THIS THING ALREADY!
STUDENTS:
HEY!
WHERE'S EVERYONE GOING?!
KIDSWATTER:
PAPAYA PINK.
HUH?
PAPAYA PINK.
IT'S MY FAVORITE COLOR.
OH.
UH... DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
SEE?
YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ME.
OR ANYONE ELSE
IN THIS SCHOOL,
FOR THAT MATTER.
WHAT...
WHAT'VE I BECOME?
ALL I WANTED TO DO
WAS PLAY MR. KIDSWATTER RIGHT.
BUT MY SUCCESS HAS BECOME
MY FAILURE.
MYRON:
NICE.
I THINK WE CAN USE
SOME OF THAT.
CAN YOU TRY
THAT SPEECH AGAIN,
THIS TIME WITH FEELING?
MM, MM, MMM!
TODD:
ATTENTION, STUDENTS, ATTENTION!
I'VE COME TO SAVE
OUR SCHOOL!
LET THAT BE A LESSON
TO YOU.
WE'RE NOT JUST STUDENTS HERE
AT WAYSIDE -
WE'RE BEST FRIENDS.
FAMILY.
I FORGOT THAT ONCE,
AND I'M SORRY.
BUT NOW IT'S ALL AS CLEAR
TO ME AS...
PAPAYA PINK.
SO... WHA'CHA THINK,
MR. KIDSWATTER?
I THINK...
IT'S ONE OF THE BEST FILMS
I'VE EVER SEEN.
WELL,
EXCEPT FOR THAT PART
WITH THE LAME KID
MAKING THE SPEECH.
WHO'S THAT SUPPOSED
TO BE AGAIN?
THE SPIRIT OF WAYSIDE,
MR. K.
I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE YOU,
BUT EVEN MORE YOU
THAN YOU'VE EVER BEEN.
YEAH RIGHT!
LET'S LOSE
ALL THE TALKY STUFF
AND JUST FINISH
WITH THAT BIG LASER BATTLE.
BY THE WAY...
LOVE THE CAMERA WORK.
ACK!
STUPID GRAVITY.
MYRON:
ATTENTION!
HAVE NO FEAR,
MYRON THE SAFETY MONITOR
IS HERE!
LOOKIN' GOOD,
MY MAN.
OH-NO!
UNSAFE ALERT!
DANGER!
MY SHOELACE IS UNTIED!
MISS MUSH:
MUSHROOM SURPRISE, COMING-
WHOA!
ERICS:
WHOA!
AHHH!
A SAFETY MONITOR'S WORK
IS NEVER DONE.
HELLO ERIC,
ERIC AND ERIC.
ERICS:
HELP!
NOT NOW.
CAN'T YOU SEE I'M BUSY
KEEPING THE SCHOOL SAFE?
I THINK MYRON IS PROBABLY
THE MOST UNSAFE
SAFETY MONITOR
IN THE WORLD.
NO KIDDING.
AT RECESS, I SAW HIM
WAX THE STAIRS...
JUST SO HE COULD STARE
AT HIS OWN REFLECTION.
AT LEAST NO ONE
HAS SLIPPED IN IT.
KIDSWATTER:
AIIIIIIIIIIE!
I WAS ON THE 20TH FLOOR
JUST A SECOND AGO.
PRINCIPAL KIDSWATTER,
YOU NEED TO DO SOMETHING
ABOUT SCHOOL SAFETY!
NO CAN DO, CHILDREN.
I'M IN THE MIDDLE
OF TEACHING MYSELF
HOW TO BE A LION TAMER!
TALK TO MRS. JEWLS.
MRS JEWLS:
AIIIIIIIIIIE!
THAT'S STRANGE.
I WAS ON THE 30TH FLOOR
JUST A SECOND AGO.
IT'S MYRON -
HE WAXED THE STAIRS.
WE NEED TO FIRE HIM
FROM HIS JOB
AS SAFETY MONITOR.
I WISH I COULD.
BUT NO ONE EVER
APPOINTED HIM.
HE JUST SHOWED UP
ONE DAY
WEARING THAT SPIFFY UNIFORM.
WELL, THEN IF THE POSITION'S
VACANT,
I VOLUNTEER TO FILL IT!
YOU, MAURECIA?
YEAH, SURE.
SOUNDS LIKE FUN.
PULL OVER.
UM... OKAY.
WHAT SEEMS TO BE
THE TROUBLE, MAURECIA?
IT'S MO.
OFFICER MO.
WALKING A LITTLE FAST,
WEREN'T CHA?
I DON'T KNOW.
WAS I?
WATCH IT,
YOUNG MAN!
I'VE SEEN FOLKS HOOFIN' HALF
YOUR SPEED.
THEY TRIP, FALL.
KNEES SCRAPED;
LIVES RUINED.
NOT A PRETTY SIGHT.
I'M WRITING YOU UP A TICKET,
CUTIE PIE.
IT'S FOR YOUR OWN
SAFETY.
ONE MANGO 12,
ONE MANGO 12,
WE HAVE A 10-80 IN PROGRESS,
PLEASE RESPOND.
MANGO 12 RESPONDING.
COPY THAT.
SEND UNIT.
ROGER. I'M IN PURSUIT.
CAN I SEE THAT TICKET
FOR A SEC?
IT'S FROM MAUREC- ER-
OFFICER MO.
HA!
I'M THE ONLY SAFETY MONITOR
AROUND HERE, TODD,
AND I SAY YOU CAN WALK
AS FAST
OR AS SLOW AS YOU WANT
FROM NOW ON.
OR BETTER YET...
DANCE!
DANCE LIKE YOU'RE
THE ONLY PERSON
IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD!
MAURECIA:
FREEZE!
STEP OFF THE SWING,
JENNY.
OH WOW!
NICE GET UP,
SISTA MO.
IT'S OFFICER MO.
AND I CLOCKED YOU
EXCEEDING THE SWING LIMIT.
THAT SOUNDS FAST.
HALL PASS AND SCHOOL
REGISTRATION PLEASE.
UM...
I THINK I LEFT THEM IN
MY OTHER PANTS, MAN.
LIKELY STORY.
'FRAID I'M GONNA HAVE
TO TAKE YA DOWNTOWN.
DOWNTOWN?
BUT WE'RE NOT ALLOWED
TO LEAVE SCHOOL PROPERTY?
YOU PUNKS ARE ALWAYS
TRYING TO GET OFF
ON A TECHNICALITY.
BUT I'M WRITIN' YOU UP
ANYWAY!
OH WOW.
WELL, I DON'T THINK
YOU'RE FINISHED HAVING FUN.
BUT THE SAFETY MONITOR
SAID-
I'M THE ONLY
SAFETY MONITOR HERE,
AND I SAID:
HAVE FUN!
I SAID HAVE FUN!
JENNY:
OH! WOW!
KIDSWATTER:
"HOW TO TRAIN A LION."
"STEP ONE: GET A LION."
OKAY, DID THAT.
"STEP TWO:
USE WHIP TO SCARE LION."
HMM, THIS LION-TAMING STUFF
IS A LOT TRICKIER
THAN I EXPECTED.
MAURECIA:
DROP THE PUMPKIN!
NICE AND SLOW!
AND NO FUNNY BUSINESS!
LIKE THIS?
YEAH, LIKE THAT!
OKAY, THAT'S IT,
I WARNED YA!
MAURECIA:
WIPE THAT SMILE OFF
YOUR FACE!
I GOT IT!
I GOT IT!
YOUR FOOTBALL
IS TOO POINTY!
BUSTED! BUSTED!
AND BUSTED.
YEAH!
PLAY SAFE.
PLAY SAFE.
IT'S SAFETY.
IT'S SAFETY.
WELL, WELL, WELL.
LOOKS LIKE WE'VE GOT
A CHEWER HERE!
ANY OTHER GUM
OFFENDERS?
COME ON, EVERYONE,
YAPS OPEN!
STICK OUT YOUR LICKERS.
MOUTH INSPECTION!
STUDENTS:
AHH...
HMM...
MYRON:
AHOY!
AS WAYSIDE'S ONLY
SAFETY MONITOR,
I PROCLAIM GUM
IS SAFE AND FUN!
WHAT?!
CHEW, FRIENDS!
CHEW LIKE BEAVERS!
MMM!
MMM!
MMM!
MMM!
MMM!
FREEZE!
PUT THE GUM DOWN!
NOW BLOW, FRIENDS!
BLOW LIKE THE SUMMER WIND!
STOP!
THIS IS VERY UNSAFE!
NOOOOOOOOO!
WOOO HOOOO!
THAT WAS THE FUNNIEST THING
THAT I'VE EVER SEEN!
WHAT THE?!
ALL THE TICKETS
I HANDED OUT?!
MYRON,
YOU'RE UNDER ARREST
FOR IMPERSONATING
A SAFETY MONITOR!
NO, YOU'RE UNDER ARREST
FOR IMPERSONATING ME!
PLUS MY UNIFORM IS WAY BETTER
THAN YOURS -
BEHOLD THE SASH
AND BADGE!
ARE YOU HAVING
FUN YET?
"STEP 54:
NEVER RUN AWAY
FROM A LION.
IT WILL THINK YOU'RE
A GAZELLE AND EAT YOU!"
THAT'S A GOOD ONE!
OOH, LOOK!
I'M A GAZELLE!
LA LA LA!
HEE HEE HEE!
OH LOOK,
I'M A GAZELLE.
YOU CAN'T CATCH ME!
I'M LEAPING,
I'M JUMPING.
HEE HEE HEE!
LIKE A RABBIT!
NOW I'M A LITTLE BUNNY RABBIT.
OH YEAH?
WHY DON'T WE LET
THE STUDENTS DECIDE
WHO THE BEST SAFETY
MONITOR IS.
THOSE WHO THINKS IT'S HER,
CHEER.
THOSE WHO THINK IT'S ME,
CHEER LOUDER.
BEGIN.
STUDENTS:
GET US DOWN!
HELP! HELP!
OH NO!
NOW I'M AN OLD TURTLE.
BETTER HURRY UP,
HERE COMES THE LION.
STUDENTS:
GET US DOWN! HELP! HELP!
GET US DOWN!
HELP! HELP!
MYRON,
I HAVE TO SAY
YOU ARE ONE OF THE MOST UNSAFE
SAFETY OFFICERS EVER.
EXACTLY!
DANA:
AND YOU, MAURECIA,
ARE ONE OF THE MOST UNFUN
SAFETY MONITORS EVER!
WHAT?!
MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY.
WHICH IS WHY WE SHOULD
ALL JUST...
WORK TOGETHER.
HUH?
NO, THAT'S NOT WHAT
I WAS GONNA SAY.
LOOK, MAURECIA CAN
ENFORCE THE RULES.
AND MYRON CAN MAKE EVERYONE
FEEL GOOD ABOUT IT!
OUT OF THE WAY!
SAFETY EMERGENCY!
MY SAFETY EMERGENCY!
HELP!
HEY!
MYRON'S FLOOR WAX!
LEAD HIM OVER HERE,
MYRON!
I HAVE A PLAN!
GREAT IDEA!
HE CAN EAT YOU
FIRST!
AND NOW,
I'M A WIDDLE KITTY CAT.
YOU WOULDN'T HURT ME,
WOULD YOU?
HMM...
I COULD SWEAR THERE
WAS A LION IN HERE.
THERE YOU ARE!
STEP TWO.
LION:
OH, HAROLD,
I'M ABSOLUTELY AT WITS END
WITH THESE RANK AMATEURS.
BE A GOOD CHAP
AND BRING THE LIMO AROUND.
I'LL AWAIT YOUR ARRIVAL
OUT FRONT.
DON'T TAKE IT TO HEART,
MY GOOD MAN.
IT'S NOT FOR EVERYONE.
AMATEUR?
NICE JOB,
MYRON.
IF YOU HADN'T RUN
IN TERROR,
I NEVER COULD'VE BRAVELY
TRAPPED HIM IN THE LOCKER.
YOU'RE RIGHT!
YOU KNOW, WE ACTUALLY
DO WORK WELL TOGETHER.
SO, WHAT DO YOU SAY?
TODD:
THAT'S GREAT, GUYS.
BUT CAN YOU GET US
DOWN NOW?
STUDENTS:
LET'S DO THIS THANG.
MAURECIA:
SORRY GUYS,
NO RUNNING IN THE HALLS
PERMITTED.
ALL:
AWWWW...
BUT NO ONE SAID ANYTHING
ABOUT NO DANCIN'
IN THE HALLS.
ALL:
YAY!