Wasted (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Sweet Resolution - full transcript
Unlike his friends Morpheus is excited by the village's Berry Man festival, especially as he is chosen to play the green-faced fertility symbol of the Berry Man himself. He is not sure whether to respond to organizer Verian's advances towards him but, on advice from Sean Bean, gives in though it ends in public disgrace. Sarah falls for a handsome Scot displaying his bats at the festival - to the annoyance of Kent, who with Alison gets wasted in a very unusual and destructive way.
As far back
as I can remember,
I've always wanted to be
the Berry Man.
Half man, half tree.
Utterly pure of sin
and immune to all temptation.
Why so obsessed with the Berry Man ?
It's just some toss pot in a costume.
Alison ! The Berry Man Festival
is a Neston tradition.
It's been going on
for hundreds of years.
Yeah, so's Fast & Furious.
It doesn't mean it's any good.
- That is absolute blasphemy.
- I'm skipping the fete this year.
- What ? We always get pissed together.
- It's not that fun, though, is it ?
I thought you two had plenty of fun
last year. Behind the petting zoo.
Alison, you'll get pissed
with me, right ?
Love to, I promised
I'd do this charity tarot tent
for cancer or some shit.
Fuck's sake ! Does nobody
want to get pissed with me ?
I will, good sir, but only after...
You wank yourself off
to the dance of the Berry Man ?
He's an ancient wood spirit
and utterly chaste,
so he wouldn't appreciate a wank.
So fucking joke's on you, innit ?
WASTED
Season 1
Episode 4
BERRY MAN FESTIVAL
CIDER
TOMBOLA
Think that barmaid will be
on the kissing booth again this year ?
No, she did it last year, and put it
this way, Co-op ran out of Zovirax.
Great turnout
on the scarecrows this year, Verian.
Oh, thanks.
Listen, a bit of a disaster.
You know Terry Bennett
bought all those llamas ?
Alpacas, yeah.
Well, they got into Mockers' field and,
basically, they've killed his horse.
Oh, he loved that horse.
I know. Mark's distraught
and he's pulled out, so...
You mean
we don't have a Berry Man ?
You can't have a Berry Man festival
without a Berry Man.
- I know. Hasn't happened since 1795.
- 1795.
Fucking hell, guys !
What are we going to do ?
I don't know. I was going to ask you
if you'd do it, Morpheus.
Me ?
Yes ! Fucking yes !
High five. No, fuck it, high ten.
Come and see me
about the fucking costume.
Yes !
Bosh !
- You're in there, mate.
- What ? Verian ?
- Obviously I won't be pursuing that.
- Why ?
- Cos you're saving for Alison ?
- No, I don't fancy Alison.
- Why ? Has she said something ?
- Of course she fucking hasn't.
She never will, so just go over
there and sausage Verian.
I will not be sausaging anyone.
Because I've been charged with
the sacred office of the Berry Man.
And I will not abuse that power.
Innit just dressing up like a twat
and mooching about ?
He's an ancient wood spirit !
Closed.
Sorry. I just need some milk
for this little guy.
He's a common pipistrelle bat.
He's hurt his wing so I'm nursing
him back to health. It's what I do.
I rescue bats.
I have, uh, soya milk. It's for my
brother. Stops him farting.
Oh, no. It's got to be dairy.
I can buy you some.
I can go to the shop right now and
bring it to you in your house.
Where's your house ?
Well, I'd only come
if I was invited. Am I invited ?
It's not like I need an invite.
I'm not a vampire.
But I would if I had your consent.
I always check for consent.
I'm sure there'll be some at the fete.
Perhaps I'll see you there.
Top bananas !
Fuck's sake.
- You all right ?
- Yeah. Fine.
Look, I'll catch you later,
you know, if I've got the time.
BAT RESCUE
- Holy shit.
- I thought you weren't coming.
I'm... not. I'm...
I'm just checking out
the sexy man at the bat tent.
- You seen him ?
- Yeah.
But I reckon he's got poo
under his fingernails.
Yeah. And I'd clean out
every one of them.
Look after my tent for me
while I go for a piss ?
No. You tried this last year.
You'll leave me here
while you go and get drunk.
No, I'm just going to go to the loo.
Do you want anything ?
- From the loo ?
- Yes.
- Get me a cider.
- From the toilet ?
Drop the act.
Can you at least show me
how you do it ?
So, do you need to ordain me
or give me a turban or something ?
Nah, it's just a load of bollocks.
Just turn over the cards and come up
with some bullshit like...
"You tried to dodge the fate because
you're afraid of fucking Kent again."
That's what the spirits said.
Yeah, well, the spirits can
go suck on... my tits, then.
Now I'm off for that piss.
You just winked
at the person you're lying to.
I'm not lying !
- Oh. So you came in the end.
- Yeah. To help Alison.
- Give us a turn, then.
- All right.
You got the twat card.
It means you're a massive twat.
Yeah, but you dealt the cards
so she who dealt it is the twat.
Yeah, but it's more on your side
of the table, so you're the twat !
Actually, you're the twat.
- You're the twat !
- Fine.
If I say I'm the twat, can we
just please go and get a beer ?
Let's see
what the spirits have to say.
- It says you're a twat again.
- Nice one.
- Want a beer ?
- Get me a pint.
Will do.
- It's looking really, really good.
- It's such an honour to be asked.
Looking forward to the ceremony ?
A gift of food
and wine from the villagers.
It's more than that, Verian.
It's what the Berry Man stands for.
He reminds us there's more to life
than the basic human vices of greed,
desire and... temptation.
You make it all sound very noble.
I'm a bit worried
about the face paint.
- I've got some eczema behind...
- Behind your ear ?
- Yeah.
- Me too.
- I've actually got some moisturiser.
- Don't worry about it.
- Really. No, please.
- I'm fine. Don't need any moisturiser.
Honestly, I...
Run me through
the itinerary again, yeah ?
Nice, safe, innocent logistics.
Oh, no, you don't need
to worry about that.
I'll be right by your side all day,
whispering in your ear.
The Berry Man
would prefer a printout.
Oh, no.
It says your bat's going to die !
Really ? Oh, God.
Oh, no. No, I'm joking.
You know, megabants, LOLs.
Ach, the noo !
Thank God.
- You know, I'm very worried about him.
- Forget about the tarot.
Let's do something else.
Like palm reading.
That's a strong hand.
It's like a dad's !
Got you a pint. What's this ?
Is this your boyfriend ?
No. He's just someone
I knew at school.
Nice. Do you want your pint, then ?
Do you want a pint ?
Sure.
- Wanna give my pint to Lip Ring ?
- Dude.
You can just get another one.
- It's 4 pound a pint !
- I'll give you four quid.
- Do you have four quid ?
- I'll... owe you four quid.
Give me four quid.
No, don't even worry about it.
Kent, stop being a dick.
Oh, for fuck's sake !
And there's a massive queue.
Fucking craft lager.
Sorry.
So, how about you do me ?
Do my hand.
- Sorry. You know what I mean.
- Aye.
I think I know what you mean.
Behold the Berry Man !
They had a fucking year
to plan this.
TAROT BUSY
- I just need to get smashed.
- We could try...
PAGAN POTIONS
Mind Swamp. It's more a mellow,
black-out sort of thing, right ?
Makes you want to cry,
but in a good way.
What about, Throat Cutter ?
I'm not technically allowed
to sell it.
I can recommend it...
... as weed killer.
- What is it ?
- Sort of like vodka. More bleachy.
You put bleach in it ?
Only a little bit.
Just take the edge off.
The paint.
- No fucking way.
- Wait. Will it get us really fucked ?
Yes.
God, it smells like snake's piss.
I ain't drinking that.
Can't drink it,
it'll strip your stomach.
Well, how do you take it ?
- You put 'em up your arse.
- Yeah. We got it.
Tell me about my sexy line again.
So it starts here.
Goes all the way along... to here.
Yeah... that's nice...
Sorry. I know.
If I move it this way, I can do it.
- No, no.
- Really jammed in there, isn't it ?
- No, no. Just stop.
- No, trust me.
- Jesus, God ! God !
- God !
- Are you using the applicator ?
- No, I abandoned the applicator.
I'm just thumbing it in.
It's like a dead slug.
It's actually not that bad
once it's in. Sort of comforting.
OK. Mine's in.
Oh, no ! Oh, fuck, it burns !
It fucking burns !
I'm pulling it out !
I'm pulling it out.
- Shit !
- What ?
Let's do this.
- That is a creamy filling.
- I'd love a creamy filling.
- Yeah, you've already said that.
- Sorry.
- This one's got liqueur in it.
- Yeah ?
Maybe we'll eat too much,
get a bit tipsy.
Verian, must I remind you
the Berry Man has forgone
all human vices.
What ? Even this ?
- Morpheus !
- I just need some space, Verian.
As the Berry Man wishes.
Bloody prick-tease.
I love a creamy filling.
Tipsy. Creamy filling.
1795. Creamy.
- Candyfloss ?
- Fucking hell, Sean Bean.
- No, thanks.
- When it's on the hook, I do.
- What are you doing here ?
- Staging an intervention.
Don't you like that lass ?
Yes, but I'm not supposed to do
that sort of thing.
I'm a role model.
- Role model for who ? Fucking trees ?
- He's an ancient wood spirit !
Look, I'm not throwing all this away
for a spot of rumpy-pumpy.
Being the Berry Man is an opportunity
that comes around once a decade.
So is finding a lass
that fancies you.
- Now get over there and sausage her.
- Is that just a thing now ?
Are we all just saying sausaging ?
Listen ! You've got to decide
what's more important.
Prancing around the fair
dressed like a ninny,
or finally getting
your roots watered.
- Yes, Sean.
- Now, have some candyfloss.
Yeah.
It's nice, isn't it ?
ADMINISTRATION
FIRST AID
I just didn't think there
would be that much blood.
It just kept... spurting.
I'm actually still feeling
a little woozy, so...
Sorry.
You know, it's Alison's fault,
really, for giving me the rings.
It's OK, honestly.
I was thinking about getting
another piercing anyway.
Thanks.
I just don't want you to think
I'm, like, some sort of psycho killer.
You know, the film. Psycho.
You know with the...
I'm so sorry.
Is it doing anything ?
It's making me feel like I need a dump.
Constantly.
It's making me
lose all feeling in my anus.
Wait. Did you have
feeling there before ?
Don't know.
- Wait. Is your spine getting hot ?
- A little bit, yeah.
And my blood's gone fizzy.
I think it's kicking in.
That's a good beat !
You're great at your job !
Come on, you fucking legends !
Let's fucking have it !
Kent !
Kent !
Kent !
- Still with the Batman, then.
- Dude.
- It's all right. We're cool, brother.
- I just stabbed him there.
Separated my clavicle.
It was actually kind of funny.
It was, wasn't it ? Yeah.
You went so white and pale.
You know,
he probably fucks them bats ?
All right, Kent,
we'll see you later.
Fuck you !
- Alison.
- Not any more.
I just double-dropped.
I feel like I need to clean a house.
That's wonderful.
Do you want to do something
really fun ?
And first place goes to Mary Lee's
white chocolate iPad.
Verian, I thought we were announcing
the winners together.
And I thought the Berry Man
needed his space.
- I like you, Verian. I really do.
- Good. Me too.
But I'm the Berry Man now. I have
responsibilities to this village.
My penile desires
have to come second.
- So there are... penile desires ?
- Of course.
I may be the Berry Man,
but I'm still a man.
But there are rules
that must be obeyed.
No, if it's about the village rule,
then, technically
the administration tent is outside
the parish boundaries.
No, the parish boundaries finish
at the crossroads just past the Co-op.
Yep. Now. But they were extended
to there in 1872.
And as the office
of the Berry Man was created in...
1695...
It predates the boundary change.
So in the administration tent,
the parish rules...
- Do not apply.
- Do not apply.
- Watch the costume.
- You're not the Berry Man in here.
BAT WATCH
Fly, my pretties ! Be free !
Spread some fucking rabies !
These bats are broken.
They're not going anywhere.
I think they're sleeping
cos it's daytime.
Fuck it. I'm freeing a bat today.
They're not having any of it,
are they ?
Abso-fruit-ly not.
- What the hell are you doing ?!
- Saving the bats, Sarah.
What your boyfriend said he's doing,
when actually he's just being
a massive wank stain.
- I thought you were doing tarot.
- Way past that, mate.
I've got two tampons up my arse.
- What ?
- For another time.
Hey, guys, these bats
are really delicate, OK ?
You have to look after them.
And you have to give them milk.
And it has to be dairy.
- Dairy.
- Come on, little fella.
Come on. That's OK.
No-one's going to harm you now.
- It's all right, little friend.
- Oh, I found your trunk.
Yeah. And it's full of sap.
What is that ?
You're a bad, bad Berry Man.
Yeah, I'm about to get
a whole lot worse.
- Yeah ?
- Yeah.
- Your branch is so hard.
- Yeah.
Burst my berries.
Shower me in berry juice !
Oh, yeah. Oh, shit, yeah.
Oh, shit. Yeah. Oh, shit.
Yeah. Oh, shit.
Shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
Oh, shit. Yeah.
Harvest my bounty !
Oh, my God.
I nearly squashed this bat.
Holy shit !
That was rather a lot.
There's the hat. Jacket... thing.
- And...
- Probably best keep the trousers.
Yeah. Yep.
Shame. Shame. Shame.
Shame ! Shame !
Shame ! Shame ! Shame !
All right !
All right, all right.
We get the idea ! Fucking...
At least we didn't kill...
- What was his name again ?
- Pipistrelle 579.
Yeah. Him.
But you did kill his mother.
And without her, he'll surely die.
Well...
- Think I could buy you a drink ?
- Sarah.
Hurting me is one thing,
but hurting bats, that's another.
Just goes to prove
what I've always known.
That the most dangerous animal
in the world is the human being.
Bullshit, mate. Crocodile.
NO BATS WERE HARMED IN
THE MAKING OF THIS PROGRAMME
WASTED
Season 1
End of episode 4
as I can remember,
I've always wanted to be
the Berry Man.
Half man, half tree.
Utterly pure of sin
and immune to all temptation.
Why so obsessed with the Berry Man ?
It's just some toss pot in a costume.
Alison ! The Berry Man Festival
is a Neston tradition.
It's been going on
for hundreds of years.
Yeah, so's Fast & Furious.
It doesn't mean it's any good.
- That is absolute blasphemy.
- I'm skipping the fete this year.
- What ? We always get pissed together.
- It's not that fun, though, is it ?
I thought you two had plenty of fun
last year. Behind the petting zoo.
Alison, you'll get pissed
with me, right ?
Love to, I promised
I'd do this charity tarot tent
for cancer or some shit.
Fuck's sake ! Does nobody
want to get pissed with me ?
I will, good sir, but only after...
You wank yourself off
to the dance of the Berry Man ?
He's an ancient wood spirit
and utterly chaste,
so he wouldn't appreciate a wank.
So fucking joke's on you, innit ?
WASTED
Season 1
Episode 4
BERRY MAN FESTIVAL
CIDER
TOMBOLA
Think that barmaid will be
on the kissing booth again this year ?
No, she did it last year, and put it
this way, Co-op ran out of Zovirax.
Great turnout
on the scarecrows this year, Verian.
Oh, thanks.
Listen, a bit of a disaster.
You know Terry Bennett
bought all those llamas ?
Alpacas, yeah.
Well, they got into Mockers' field and,
basically, they've killed his horse.
Oh, he loved that horse.
I know. Mark's distraught
and he's pulled out, so...
You mean
we don't have a Berry Man ?
You can't have a Berry Man festival
without a Berry Man.
- I know. Hasn't happened since 1795.
- 1795.
Fucking hell, guys !
What are we going to do ?
I don't know. I was going to ask you
if you'd do it, Morpheus.
Me ?
Yes ! Fucking yes !
High five. No, fuck it, high ten.
Come and see me
about the fucking costume.
Yes !
Bosh !
- You're in there, mate.
- What ? Verian ?
- Obviously I won't be pursuing that.
- Why ?
- Cos you're saving for Alison ?
- No, I don't fancy Alison.
- Why ? Has she said something ?
- Of course she fucking hasn't.
She never will, so just go over
there and sausage Verian.
I will not be sausaging anyone.
Because I've been charged with
the sacred office of the Berry Man.
And I will not abuse that power.
Innit just dressing up like a twat
and mooching about ?
He's an ancient wood spirit !
Closed.
Sorry. I just need some milk
for this little guy.
He's a common pipistrelle bat.
He's hurt his wing so I'm nursing
him back to health. It's what I do.
I rescue bats.
I have, uh, soya milk. It's for my
brother. Stops him farting.
Oh, no. It's got to be dairy.
I can buy you some.
I can go to the shop right now and
bring it to you in your house.
Where's your house ?
Well, I'd only come
if I was invited. Am I invited ?
It's not like I need an invite.
I'm not a vampire.
But I would if I had your consent.
I always check for consent.
I'm sure there'll be some at the fete.
Perhaps I'll see you there.
Top bananas !
Fuck's sake.
- You all right ?
- Yeah. Fine.
Look, I'll catch you later,
you know, if I've got the time.
BAT RESCUE
- Holy shit.
- I thought you weren't coming.
I'm... not. I'm...
I'm just checking out
the sexy man at the bat tent.
- You seen him ?
- Yeah.
But I reckon he's got poo
under his fingernails.
Yeah. And I'd clean out
every one of them.
Look after my tent for me
while I go for a piss ?
No. You tried this last year.
You'll leave me here
while you go and get drunk.
No, I'm just going to go to the loo.
Do you want anything ?
- From the loo ?
- Yes.
- Get me a cider.
- From the toilet ?
Drop the act.
Can you at least show me
how you do it ?
So, do you need to ordain me
or give me a turban or something ?
Nah, it's just a load of bollocks.
Just turn over the cards and come up
with some bullshit like...
"You tried to dodge the fate because
you're afraid of fucking Kent again."
That's what the spirits said.
Yeah, well, the spirits can
go suck on... my tits, then.
Now I'm off for that piss.
You just winked
at the person you're lying to.
I'm not lying !
- Oh. So you came in the end.
- Yeah. To help Alison.
- Give us a turn, then.
- All right.
You got the twat card.
It means you're a massive twat.
Yeah, but you dealt the cards
so she who dealt it is the twat.
Yeah, but it's more on your side
of the table, so you're the twat !
Actually, you're the twat.
- You're the twat !
- Fine.
If I say I'm the twat, can we
just please go and get a beer ?
Let's see
what the spirits have to say.
- It says you're a twat again.
- Nice one.
- Want a beer ?
- Get me a pint.
Will do.
- It's looking really, really good.
- It's such an honour to be asked.
Looking forward to the ceremony ?
A gift of food
and wine from the villagers.
It's more than that, Verian.
It's what the Berry Man stands for.
He reminds us there's more to life
than the basic human vices of greed,
desire and... temptation.
You make it all sound very noble.
I'm a bit worried
about the face paint.
- I've got some eczema behind...
- Behind your ear ?
- Yeah.
- Me too.
- I've actually got some moisturiser.
- Don't worry about it.
- Really. No, please.
- I'm fine. Don't need any moisturiser.
Honestly, I...
Run me through
the itinerary again, yeah ?
Nice, safe, innocent logistics.
Oh, no, you don't need
to worry about that.
I'll be right by your side all day,
whispering in your ear.
The Berry Man
would prefer a printout.
Oh, no.
It says your bat's going to die !
Really ? Oh, God.
Oh, no. No, I'm joking.
You know, megabants, LOLs.
Ach, the noo !
Thank God.
- You know, I'm very worried about him.
- Forget about the tarot.
Let's do something else.
Like palm reading.
That's a strong hand.
It's like a dad's !
Got you a pint. What's this ?
Is this your boyfriend ?
No. He's just someone
I knew at school.
Nice. Do you want your pint, then ?
Do you want a pint ?
Sure.
- Wanna give my pint to Lip Ring ?
- Dude.
You can just get another one.
- It's 4 pound a pint !
- I'll give you four quid.
- Do you have four quid ?
- I'll... owe you four quid.
Give me four quid.
No, don't even worry about it.
Kent, stop being a dick.
Oh, for fuck's sake !
And there's a massive queue.
Fucking craft lager.
Sorry.
So, how about you do me ?
Do my hand.
- Sorry. You know what I mean.
- Aye.
I think I know what you mean.
Behold the Berry Man !
They had a fucking year
to plan this.
TAROT BUSY
- I just need to get smashed.
- We could try...
PAGAN POTIONS
Mind Swamp. It's more a mellow,
black-out sort of thing, right ?
Makes you want to cry,
but in a good way.
What about, Throat Cutter ?
I'm not technically allowed
to sell it.
I can recommend it...
... as weed killer.
- What is it ?
- Sort of like vodka. More bleachy.
You put bleach in it ?
Only a little bit.
Just take the edge off.
The paint.
- No fucking way.
- Wait. Will it get us really fucked ?
Yes.
God, it smells like snake's piss.
I ain't drinking that.
Can't drink it,
it'll strip your stomach.
Well, how do you take it ?
- You put 'em up your arse.
- Yeah. We got it.
Tell me about my sexy line again.
So it starts here.
Goes all the way along... to here.
Yeah... that's nice...
Sorry. I know.
If I move it this way, I can do it.
- No, no.
- Really jammed in there, isn't it ?
- No, no. Just stop.
- No, trust me.
- Jesus, God ! God !
- God !
- Are you using the applicator ?
- No, I abandoned the applicator.
I'm just thumbing it in.
It's like a dead slug.
It's actually not that bad
once it's in. Sort of comforting.
OK. Mine's in.
Oh, no ! Oh, fuck, it burns !
It fucking burns !
I'm pulling it out !
I'm pulling it out.
- Shit !
- What ?
Let's do this.
- That is a creamy filling.
- I'd love a creamy filling.
- Yeah, you've already said that.
- Sorry.
- This one's got liqueur in it.
- Yeah ?
Maybe we'll eat too much,
get a bit tipsy.
Verian, must I remind you
the Berry Man has forgone
all human vices.
What ? Even this ?
- Morpheus !
- I just need some space, Verian.
As the Berry Man wishes.
Bloody prick-tease.
I love a creamy filling.
Tipsy. Creamy filling.
1795. Creamy.
- Candyfloss ?
- Fucking hell, Sean Bean.
- No, thanks.
- When it's on the hook, I do.
- What are you doing here ?
- Staging an intervention.
Don't you like that lass ?
Yes, but I'm not supposed to do
that sort of thing.
I'm a role model.
- Role model for who ? Fucking trees ?
- He's an ancient wood spirit !
Look, I'm not throwing all this away
for a spot of rumpy-pumpy.
Being the Berry Man is an opportunity
that comes around once a decade.
So is finding a lass
that fancies you.
- Now get over there and sausage her.
- Is that just a thing now ?
Are we all just saying sausaging ?
Listen ! You've got to decide
what's more important.
Prancing around the fair
dressed like a ninny,
or finally getting
your roots watered.
- Yes, Sean.
- Now, have some candyfloss.
Yeah.
It's nice, isn't it ?
ADMINISTRATION
FIRST AID
I just didn't think there
would be that much blood.
It just kept... spurting.
I'm actually still feeling
a little woozy, so...
Sorry.
You know, it's Alison's fault,
really, for giving me the rings.
It's OK, honestly.
I was thinking about getting
another piercing anyway.
Thanks.
I just don't want you to think
I'm, like, some sort of psycho killer.
You know, the film. Psycho.
You know with the...
I'm so sorry.
Is it doing anything ?
It's making me feel like I need a dump.
Constantly.
It's making me
lose all feeling in my anus.
Wait. Did you have
feeling there before ?
Don't know.
- Wait. Is your spine getting hot ?
- A little bit, yeah.
And my blood's gone fizzy.
I think it's kicking in.
That's a good beat !
You're great at your job !
Come on, you fucking legends !
Let's fucking have it !
Kent !
Kent !
Kent !
- Still with the Batman, then.
- Dude.
- It's all right. We're cool, brother.
- I just stabbed him there.
Separated my clavicle.
It was actually kind of funny.
It was, wasn't it ? Yeah.
You went so white and pale.
You know,
he probably fucks them bats ?
All right, Kent,
we'll see you later.
Fuck you !
- Alison.
- Not any more.
I just double-dropped.
I feel like I need to clean a house.
That's wonderful.
Do you want to do something
really fun ?
And first place goes to Mary Lee's
white chocolate iPad.
Verian, I thought we were announcing
the winners together.
And I thought the Berry Man
needed his space.
- I like you, Verian. I really do.
- Good. Me too.
But I'm the Berry Man now. I have
responsibilities to this village.
My penile desires
have to come second.
- So there are... penile desires ?
- Of course.
I may be the Berry Man,
but I'm still a man.
But there are rules
that must be obeyed.
No, if it's about the village rule,
then, technically
the administration tent is outside
the parish boundaries.
No, the parish boundaries finish
at the crossroads just past the Co-op.
Yep. Now. But they were extended
to there in 1872.
And as the office
of the Berry Man was created in...
1695...
It predates the boundary change.
So in the administration tent,
the parish rules...
- Do not apply.
- Do not apply.
- Watch the costume.
- You're not the Berry Man in here.
BAT WATCH
Fly, my pretties ! Be free !
Spread some fucking rabies !
These bats are broken.
They're not going anywhere.
I think they're sleeping
cos it's daytime.
Fuck it. I'm freeing a bat today.
They're not having any of it,
are they ?
Abso-fruit-ly not.
- What the hell are you doing ?!
- Saving the bats, Sarah.
What your boyfriend said he's doing,
when actually he's just being
a massive wank stain.
- I thought you were doing tarot.
- Way past that, mate.
I've got two tampons up my arse.
- What ?
- For another time.
Hey, guys, these bats
are really delicate, OK ?
You have to look after them.
And you have to give them milk.
And it has to be dairy.
- Dairy.
- Come on, little fella.
Come on. That's OK.
No-one's going to harm you now.
- It's all right, little friend.
- Oh, I found your trunk.
Yeah. And it's full of sap.
What is that ?
You're a bad, bad Berry Man.
Yeah, I'm about to get
a whole lot worse.
- Yeah ?
- Yeah.
- Your branch is so hard.
- Yeah.
Burst my berries.
Shower me in berry juice !
Oh, yeah. Oh, shit, yeah.
Oh, shit. Yeah. Oh, shit.
Yeah. Oh, shit.
Shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
Oh, shit. Yeah.
Harvest my bounty !
Oh, my God.
I nearly squashed this bat.
Holy shit !
That was rather a lot.
There's the hat. Jacket... thing.
- And...
- Probably best keep the trousers.
Yeah. Yep.
Shame. Shame. Shame.
Shame ! Shame !
Shame ! Shame ! Shame !
All right !
All right, all right.
We get the idea ! Fucking...
At least we didn't kill...
- What was his name again ?
- Pipistrelle 579.
Yeah. Him.
But you did kill his mother.
And without her, he'll surely die.
Well...
- Think I could buy you a drink ?
- Sarah.
Hurting me is one thing,
but hurting bats, that's another.
Just goes to prove
what I've always known.
That the most dangerous animal
in the world is the human being.
Bullshit, mate. Crocodile.
NO BATS WERE HARMED IN
THE MAKING OF THIS PROGRAMME
WASTED
Season 1
End of episode 4