Wasted (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Episode #1.6 - full transcript
At the Holy Man's invitation the group attends a sex party in a large mansion, where free love and assorted kinks rule. Morpheus is astonished to find his old school-master is involved but disappointed that there are very few young people present. Thus he ignores the Holy Man's warning not to enter the forbidden Room 42 - where he encounters the beautiful Angelica but has his expectations literally dampened, leading to an angry confrontation with Sean Bean.
Not bad.
For a newb.
Cheat !
You're a stuck pig, lad.
Rude.
Come on.
On your feet.
Look, am I here for a reason ?
As you know...
... I am your spirit guide.
And although the ancient laws
prohibit Sean Bean
from interfering
in the affairs of men...
... I've laid on a treat for you.
Call it an early birthday present.
Are we going
to Comic-Con together ?
I'm not going to Comic-Con,
we'll get fucking mobbed !
No.
It's time you took a wench
to the barn.
Sorry, what ?
You know, put your custard
in the pudding.
Stew your mutton.
Are these metaphors ?
- Pounce a peacock.
- Right, you're just saying words now.
Look...
It's time you lost
your virginity, lad.
I had sex with Angelique
on my French exchange.
Sheathe your sword.
Right, there you go again.
I mean, do you mean that literally,
or is that another dig ?
I don't know, both.
WASTED
Season 1
Episode 6
Oh, Skyscanner's got a flight
to South Korea.
Is that the dictator one ?
Gangnam Style one.
Oh, I like that video.
Maybe I'll go to South Korea.
You think you'll make it, though ?
I mean, you didn't make it
to India. Or London.
Or the Co-op.
So, I was supposed to go
to this sex party with the holy man
and this girl we met on Snapchat,
but she can't make it
because she's pregnant
and she doesn't want
to run into any of the "dads",
so there's a spare ticket
and we thought...
Morph, early birthday present ?
- Early birthday present.
- Good way to lose your V plates.
Alison, Angelique,
French exchange.
Right, so we're all still...
That's still open ?
I will come to this party to continue
my adult sexual adventure.
- Sorted.
- So what is this sex party ?
Big mansion, guest-list only,
anyone can have sex with anyone.
- Anyone ?
- Anyone.
I would have invited everyone,
but obviously thought
that would be weird for...
Why would that be weird ?
Well, because, you two...
Yeah, but it didn't mean anything.
And Kent went straight
to Bristol after, so...
Yeah, and Sarah didn't even stop me,
or try and call me for a year, so...
OK, so, not weird at all.
- Might be weird for him.
- Might be weird for her.
OK, I'll get the holy man
to put you on the guest list.
Here's a picture of Angelique.
That's just an image search.
- For sexy French girl.
- Yeah, and she came up first, so...
Gorgeous.
Yeah.
So, what do we wear
to a sex party anyway ?
Fucking hell !
OK. Next stop, sex party !
Before we set off, ground rules.
What, like no kissing on the mouth ?
Mate, it's not Pretty Woman.
Oh, so you have seen
Pretty Woman, Kent ?
Fuck !
How about, between us,
no direct contact ?
Let's say indirect contact only.
Like contact through another person.
Shall we say two people ?
- Yeah.
- That seems logical, yeah.
And whatever happens in there,
we never talk about it again, ever.
Like if someone walks in,
and I'm wearing a strap-on
pegging some dude,
you can't rag on me
about it for ever.
You're into pegging ?
No, I was just using that
as an example.
It came to you pretty quick,
though, didn't it ?
Oh, I've got one.
I don't want to see anyone's O face.
That goes without saying.
What if it happens
by accident, Alison ?
Right, another rule,
you and me, never in the same room.
If I were you...
... I'd steer clear of room 42.
Why ? What happens in room 42 ?
You come face-to-face
with who you really are.
Condoms.
Femidoms.
Covering all the angles.
- Protein bars.
- For recovery.
- Verruca sock ?
- In case there's a wet room.
Four cans of energy drink.
I don't know how long
it's going to be.
- Sudoku ?
- There might be a waiting area.
- Why do you have a knife ?
- For the oysters.
Behave yourself.
Fine.
This is just his ticket
printed out again.
Oh, what, does that not work... ?
Of course
that doesn't fucking work !
For fuck's sake !
I was really looking forward to
having sex with all them strangers.
Not as much as I was.
Or with as many of them.
I'll handle this.
Hey, let them in.
I'm not going into a sex party
without my sister.
Mate, just go in. This is weird.
Well, I bet you're bloody relieved.
What are you talking about ?
Well, it works out well
for you, doesn't it ?
You get to say you're going to do
something and don't actually do it.
Like...
India.
Kent, India and group sex
are completely different.
Not according to my uncle.
If I'd have gone in there,
I would have had
the biggest fucking orgy of my life,
and you'd have bottled it.
No, I would have marched
right into the middle of that orgy
and fucking nailed it.
- Bullshit !
- Kent, what do you want me to do ?
You want me to break in
and prove it ?
What are you doing ?
I'm wiping for fingerprints.
What ?
In case the sex police come ?
Hello ?
Hello ?
I need some help,
can you let me out ?
Fucking hell !
I think I've been forgotten about.
Can you let me out ?
Yeah, sure.
Don't fucking do it !
It's part of the game.
- I'm pleading.
- All right, then, bye.
That's it. Can you leave
the doors open, please ?
What are you fucking doing ?
Fuck's sake !
OK, last chance to back out.
I'm not backing out.
Unless you're backing out.
- I'm not backing out.
- Yeah, good, cos I'm not either.
- I'm getting some sex.
- Yeah, me too.
Good.
Oh, made it in, then ?
- Is this it ?
- Oh, no.
There's also a buffet.
Ah come on mate, not in the dip.
- Where's Holy Man.
- Mingling.
I barely see him at these things.
He gets massive FOMO, so he works
out his timetable beforehand.
I just meet him after for a Calippo.
So, Morph, want to hit
the mattresses ?
Oh, right.
Is that what we're doing then ?
Well, that's why you're here,
isn't it ?
Listen, before we go
into that dimly lit area,
I need to tell you something.
It concerns my virginity,
and it may come as a bit of a shock.
- What, you have lost it ?
- No, I'm saying I haven't.
No. No ! Shut the front door !
I did not expect that.
Because it was
a very well-constructed lie,
and I'm sorry for deceiving you
so expertly.
But what about Angelique ?
I'm sorry to say, I made her up.
But what about all those e-mails
you've been showing us
for the past eight years ?
Fake.
I hoodwinked you all.
But that would mean
you'd have to set up
a fake e-mail address,
send yourself e-mails,
then reply to yourself
over and over again for eight years.
Which is why you were all
so convinced.
And I feel bad about it.
I don't think you need to, mate.
The truth is...
I've never given away my flower...
... because I wanted my first time
to be with someone special.
Maybe I can help with that.
Cos everyone here
is really up for it.
And they've already had
the menopause, so, low risk.
Yeah, makes sense.
Come on.
Take it, you dirty slag.
Have it, you mucky bastard !
Would you like some of that ?
Oh, yes !
I don't know, is there
anything a bit less... spanky ?
Not really.
I don't really understand
the process.
Do you have sex after the spanking,
or is the spanking, like, a test ?
You won't know unless you try.
This is my virginity
we're talking about, not Dr Pepper !
- Get involved.
- All right.
Er, excuse me.
Is there a queue ?
Or is it a number...
You do exactly what I say, maggot.
Mr Rogerson ?
Man alive, Paul Durkin ?
I haven't seen you since...
GCSE geography.
How are you ?
Yeah, good. I mean,
I feel a bit weird right now.
I remember you did the best
oxbow lake coursework I've ever read.
Oh, thank you, sir.
I spent the whole summer on that,
I mean, I can't believe you remember.
You don't forget when a boy
hands in a CD-ROM !
So, you're still teaching ?
No, no, got into a bit of bother
with that.
I'm a postman now.
- Right.
- You had a sister, didn't you ?
Very pretty. Is she here ?
She... died.
Don't look for her.
Go, go, go !
Have it, you dirty cow !
So Mr Rogerson's a perv.
Yep, turns out it's always the ones
you do suspect.
Well, we can always try
the sploshing chamber.
Alison, I don't think
this is working out.
Excuse me.
Can one of you untie me ?
Mate, we've heard about you. We know
you don't want us to untie you.
I know I said that.
But that was an hour ago.
It's really cutting off
my circulation.
He's quite convincing, isn't he ?
You're overthinking this.
We just need to get you shagged.
No, this whole party isn't working
for me.
I want... romance, some ceremony.
I can't feel my balls.
I don't think
you're going to find that here.
I might do if I was with yo...
Fucking hell !
- No, wait, I didn't mean...
- Check out that lot.
You're not going to get
much more ceremonious than that.
It does look a bit less spanky.
Go on. Enjoy yourself.
See what they're up to.
Please, help me.
You need a safe word, mate.
I have got a safe word, it's tomato.
- Tomato !
- All right, all right.
- What the fuck are you doing ?
- You said tomato.
It's not the real safe word.
Well, what's the real one ?
You'll never hear me say it.
The drink tokens only cover
house white and Lilt.
- So I got two of each.
- Oh, the old Yeovil martini.
So... ? We're just going to
neck these and then...
... get on it ?
Yes.
Do you reckon any younger people
are going to turn up ?
I really hope so.
- Hey.
- Where have you been ?
Room 39.
All right, fucknots.
Where's Morph ? Did he find a room
full of imaginary French girls ?
No, he went in this weird room upstairs
with all these eyes wide shut peeps.
Oh, no.
Room 42.
Hello.
Fucking hell !
- Who are you ?
- My name is Angelica.
Kind of like a...
English Angelique.
If it pleases.
Sorry, we are in process.
I can't let you in at this time.
Or you, ever.
Fair enough, yeah.
Room 42 adheres
to a strict set of rules
that we take very seriously.
Are you laughing at my... penis ?
- No.
- No.
What about my penis
do you find funny ?
I mean, it's disproportionately
large for your frame.
It kind of waggles up and down
when you tell us off.
And it is a bit of a horse cock,
mate.
Right, so we're playing
silly buggers, are we ?
Please leave or I'll be forced
to call the dungeon Master.
All right, listen, Voldermort,
we're not in fucking Hogwarts.
We're ten minutes outside of Yeovil,
so can you please open
that fucking door ?
Where's your wristband ?
- Spliff ?
- Spliff.
Feels nice.
Good.
I should probably tell you,
it's my first time.
Mine too.
They're pretty synchronised.
Sorry.
So, what happens next ?
Kneel down with me.
Close your eyes.
OK.
- And also your mouth.
- What ?
No, no, no, no !
Hey, be honest. Do you think
if you stayed in there,
you'd've actually had sex ?
I want to say no, but I haven't had
a shag in fucking ages.
Maybe if there were more
drink tokens.
Oh, right, so you didn't have sex
with dread head ?
- Only petting.
- What about the bat man ?
Nah, but that might be
because I stabbed him.
It's been pretty dry too,
for me, to be fair.
Since I got back.
But there were loads of girls
in Brazil, right ?
Nada. I don't think
I've had sex since...
Me too.
Kent...
Yeah.
Is that man wanking ?
Mr Rogerson !
Kent Blackwell,
how are you keeping ?
Oi ! Shoo ! Get out of it.
What the fuck happened to you ?
- I don't want to talk about it.
- Morpheus got pissed on.
Oh, so we're just talking about it,
are we ?
You got off lightly, mate.
When I was in room 42...
I'm going to go back in.
Open the gates !
At least you can save it
for someone special.
Mate, put a towel down.
- I didn't bring a towel.
- You brought fucking oysters !
There's one in the boot.
Me again.
Well, you win some,
you lose some.
Is that all you've got
to say about it ?
You do know six men
pissed on me, right ?
Maybe there's a lesson in it.
- What ?
- I don't know.
Be yourself ?
Is that the best you've got ?
You laid this on for me.
I thought you had a plan, Sean.
I'm managing it from a distance,
I don't have boots on the ground.
And remember...
I'm just your subconscious.
You've got to take
some responsibility.
No. Actually, I think
you've got to take some responsibility.
- You what ?
- You've been a shit spirit guide.
Now it's time I killed you.
Killed me ?
Come on, Sean Bean.
You die in everything.
Yeah. Fair enough.
- Morpheus.
- Yes.
Make it a clean strike.
I'll try my best.
But it's my first time, so...
You'll do fine.
Sean Bean ?
I just killed you.
One does not simply
kill Sean Bean.
Oh, my God. Best day ever !
WASTED
Season 1
End of episode 6
For a newb.
Cheat !
You're a stuck pig, lad.
Rude.
Come on.
On your feet.
Look, am I here for a reason ?
As you know...
... I am your spirit guide.
And although the ancient laws
prohibit Sean Bean
from interfering
in the affairs of men...
... I've laid on a treat for you.
Call it an early birthday present.
Are we going
to Comic-Con together ?
I'm not going to Comic-Con,
we'll get fucking mobbed !
No.
It's time you took a wench
to the barn.
Sorry, what ?
You know, put your custard
in the pudding.
Stew your mutton.
Are these metaphors ?
- Pounce a peacock.
- Right, you're just saying words now.
Look...
It's time you lost
your virginity, lad.
I had sex with Angelique
on my French exchange.
Sheathe your sword.
Right, there you go again.
I mean, do you mean that literally,
or is that another dig ?
I don't know, both.
WASTED
Season 1
Episode 6
Oh, Skyscanner's got a flight
to South Korea.
Is that the dictator one ?
Gangnam Style one.
Oh, I like that video.
Maybe I'll go to South Korea.
You think you'll make it, though ?
I mean, you didn't make it
to India. Or London.
Or the Co-op.
So, I was supposed to go
to this sex party with the holy man
and this girl we met on Snapchat,
but she can't make it
because she's pregnant
and she doesn't want
to run into any of the "dads",
so there's a spare ticket
and we thought...
Morph, early birthday present ?
- Early birthday present.
- Good way to lose your V plates.
Alison, Angelique,
French exchange.
Right, so we're all still...
That's still open ?
I will come to this party to continue
my adult sexual adventure.
- Sorted.
- So what is this sex party ?
Big mansion, guest-list only,
anyone can have sex with anyone.
- Anyone ?
- Anyone.
I would have invited everyone,
but obviously thought
that would be weird for...
Why would that be weird ?
Well, because, you two...
Yeah, but it didn't mean anything.
And Kent went straight
to Bristol after, so...
Yeah, and Sarah didn't even stop me,
or try and call me for a year, so...
OK, so, not weird at all.
- Might be weird for him.
- Might be weird for her.
OK, I'll get the holy man
to put you on the guest list.
Here's a picture of Angelique.
That's just an image search.
- For sexy French girl.
- Yeah, and she came up first, so...
Gorgeous.
Yeah.
So, what do we wear
to a sex party anyway ?
Fucking hell !
OK. Next stop, sex party !
Before we set off, ground rules.
What, like no kissing on the mouth ?
Mate, it's not Pretty Woman.
Oh, so you have seen
Pretty Woman, Kent ?
Fuck !
How about, between us,
no direct contact ?
Let's say indirect contact only.
Like contact through another person.
Shall we say two people ?
- Yeah.
- That seems logical, yeah.
And whatever happens in there,
we never talk about it again, ever.
Like if someone walks in,
and I'm wearing a strap-on
pegging some dude,
you can't rag on me
about it for ever.
You're into pegging ?
No, I was just using that
as an example.
It came to you pretty quick,
though, didn't it ?
Oh, I've got one.
I don't want to see anyone's O face.
That goes without saying.
What if it happens
by accident, Alison ?
Right, another rule,
you and me, never in the same room.
If I were you...
... I'd steer clear of room 42.
Why ? What happens in room 42 ?
You come face-to-face
with who you really are.
Condoms.
Femidoms.
Covering all the angles.
- Protein bars.
- For recovery.
- Verruca sock ?
- In case there's a wet room.
Four cans of energy drink.
I don't know how long
it's going to be.
- Sudoku ?
- There might be a waiting area.
- Why do you have a knife ?
- For the oysters.
Behave yourself.
Fine.
This is just his ticket
printed out again.
Oh, what, does that not work... ?
Of course
that doesn't fucking work !
For fuck's sake !
I was really looking forward to
having sex with all them strangers.
Not as much as I was.
Or with as many of them.
I'll handle this.
Hey, let them in.
I'm not going into a sex party
without my sister.
Mate, just go in. This is weird.
Well, I bet you're bloody relieved.
What are you talking about ?
Well, it works out well
for you, doesn't it ?
You get to say you're going to do
something and don't actually do it.
Like...
India.
Kent, India and group sex
are completely different.
Not according to my uncle.
If I'd have gone in there,
I would have had
the biggest fucking orgy of my life,
and you'd have bottled it.
No, I would have marched
right into the middle of that orgy
and fucking nailed it.
- Bullshit !
- Kent, what do you want me to do ?
You want me to break in
and prove it ?
What are you doing ?
I'm wiping for fingerprints.
What ?
In case the sex police come ?
Hello ?
Hello ?
I need some help,
can you let me out ?
Fucking hell !
I think I've been forgotten about.
Can you let me out ?
Yeah, sure.
Don't fucking do it !
It's part of the game.
- I'm pleading.
- All right, then, bye.
That's it. Can you leave
the doors open, please ?
What are you fucking doing ?
Fuck's sake !
OK, last chance to back out.
I'm not backing out.
Unless you're backing out.
- I'm not backing out.
- Yeah, good, cos I'm not either.
- I'm getting some sex.
- Yeah, me too.
Good.
Oh, made it in, then ?
- Is this it ?
- Oh, no.
There's also a buffet.
Ah come on mate, not in the dip.
- Where's Holy Man.
- Mingling.
I barely see him at these things.
He gets massive FOMO, so he works
out his timetable beforehand.
I just meet him after for a Calippo.
So, Morph, want to hit
the mattresses ?
Oh, right.
Is that what we're doing then ?
Well, that's why you're here,
isn't it ?
Listen, before we go
into that dimly lit area,
I need to tell you something.
It concerns my virginity,
and it may come as a bit of a shock.
- What, you have lost it ?
- No, I'm saying I haven't.
No. No ! Shut the front door !
I did not expect that.
Because it was
a very well-constructed lie,
and I'm sorry for deceiving you
so expertly.
But what about Angelique ?
I'm sorry to say, I made her up.
But what about all those e-mails
you've been showing us
for the past eight years ?
Fake.
I hoodwinked you all.
But that would mean
you'd have to set up
a fake e-mail address,
send yourself e-mails,
then reply to yourself
over and over again for eight years.
Which is why you were all
so convinced.
And I feel bad about it.
I don't think you need to, mate.
The truth is...
I've never given away my flower...
... because I wanted my first time
to be with someone special.
Maybe I can help with that.
Cos everyone here
is really up for it.
And they've already had
the menopause, so, low risk.
Yeah, makes sense.
Come on.
Take it, you dirty slag.
Have it, you mucky bastard !
Would you like some of that ?
Oh, yes !
I don't know, is there
anything a bit less... spanky ?
Not really.
I don't really understand
the process.
Do you have sex after the spanking,
or is the spanking, like, a test ?
You won't know unless you try.
This is my virginity
we're talking about, not Dr Pepper !
- Get involved.
- All right.
Er, excuse me.
Is there a queue ?
Or is it a number...
You do exactly what I say, maggot.
Mr Rogerson ?
Man alive, Paul Durkin ?
I haven't seen you since...
GCSE geography.
How are you ?
Yeah, good. I mean,
I feel a bit weird right now.
I remember you did the best
oxbow lake coursework I've ever read.
Oh, thank you, sir.
I spent the whole summer on that,
I mean, I can't believe you remember.
You don't forget when a boy
hands in a CD-ROM !
So, you're still teaching ?
No, no, got into a bit of bother
with that.
I'm a postman now.
- Right.
- You had a sister, didn't you ?
Very pretty. Is she here ?
She... died.
Don't look for her.
Go, go, go !
Have it, you dirty cow !
So Mr Rogerson's a perv.
Yep, turns out it's always the ones
you do suspect.
Well, we can always try
the sploshing chamber.
Alison, I don't think
this is working out.
Excuse me.
Can one of you untie me ?
Mate, we've heard about you. We know
you don't want us to untie you.
I know I said that.
But that was an hour ago.
It's really cutting off
my circulation.
He's quite convincing, isn't he ?
You're overthinking this.
We just need to get you shagged.
No, this whole party isn't working
for me.
I want... romance, some ceremony.
I can't feel my balls.
I don't think
you're going to find that here.
I might do if I was with yo...
Fucking hell !
- No, wait, I didn't mean...
- Check out that lot.
You're not going to get
much more ceremonious than that.
It does look a bit less spanky.
Go on. Enjoy yourself.
See what they're up to.
Please, help me.
You need a safe word, mate.
I have got a safe word, it's tomato.
- Tomato !
- All right, all right.
- What the fuck are you doing ?
- You said tomato.
It's not the real safe word.
Well, what's the real one ?
You'll never hear me say it.
The drink tokens only cover
house white and Lilt.
- So I got two of each.
- Oh, the old Yeovil martini.
So... ? We're just going to
neck these and then...
... get on it ?
Yes.
Do you reckon any younger people
are going to turn up ?
I really hope so.
- Hey.
- Where have you been ?
Room 39.
All right, fucknots.
Where's Morph ? Did he find a room
full of imaginary French girls ?
No, he went in this weird room upstairs
with all these eyes wide shut peeps.
Oh, no.
Room 42.
Hello.
Fucking hell !
- Who are you ?
- My name is Angelica.
Kind of like a...
English Angelique.
If it pleases.
Sorry, we are in process.
I can't let you in at this time.
Or you, ever.
Fair enough, yeah.
Room 42 adheres
to a strict set of rules
that we take very seriously.
Are you laughing at my... penis ?
- No.
- No.
What about my penis
do you find funny ?
I mean, it's disproportionately
large for your frame.
It kind of waggles up and down
when you tell us off.
And it is a bit of a horse cock,
mate.
Right, so we're playing
silly buggers, are we ?
Please leave or I'll be forced
to call the dungeon Master.
All right, listen, Voldermort,
we're not in fucking Hogwarts.
We're ten minutes outside of Yeovil,
so can you please open
that fucking door ?
Where's your wristband ?
- Spliff ?
- Spliff.
Feels nice.
Good.
I should probably tell you,
it's my first time.
Mine too.
They're pretty synchronised.
Sorry.
So, what happens next ?
Kneel down with me.
Close your eyes.
OK.
- And also your mouth.
- What ?
No, no, no, no !
Hey, be honest. Do you think
if you stayed in there,
you'd've actually had sex ?
I want to say no, but I haven't had
a shag in fucking ages.
Maybe if there were more
drink tokens.
Oh, right, so you didn't have sex
with dread head ?
- Only petting.
- What about the bat man ?
Nah, but that might be
because I stabbed him.
It's been pretty dry too,
for me, to be fair.
Since I got back.
But there were loads of girls
in Brazil, right ?
Nada. I don't think
I've had sex since...
Me too.
Kent...
Yeah.
Is that man wanking ?
Mr Rogerson !
Kent Blackwell,
how are you keeping ?
Oi ! Shoo ! Get out of it.
What the fuck happened to you ?
- I don't want to talk about it.
- Morpheus got pissed on.
Oh, so we're just talking about it,
are we ?
You got off lightly, mate.
When I was in room 42...
I'm going to go back in.
Open the gates !
At least you can save it
for someone special.
Mate, put a towel down.
- I didn't bring a towel.
- You brought fucking oysters !
There's one in the boot.
Me again.
Well, you win some,
you lose some.
Is that all you've got
to say about it ?
You do know six men
pissed on me, right ?
Maybe there's a lesson in it.
- What ?
- I don't know.
Be yourself ?
Is that the best you've got ?
You laid this on for me.
I thought you had a plan, Sean.
I'm managing it from a distance,
I don't have boots on the ground.
And remember...
I'm just your subconscious.
You've got to take
some responsibility.
No. Actually, I think
you've got to take some responsibility.
- You what ?
- You've been a shit spirit guide.
Now it's time I killed you.
Killed me ?
Come on, Sean Bean.
You die in everything.
Yeah. Fair enough.
- Morpheus.
- Yes.
Make it a clean strike.
I'll try my best.
But it's my first time, so...
You'll do fine.
Sean Bean ?
I just killed you.
One does not simply
kill Sean Bean.
Oh, my God. Best day ever !
WASTED
Season 1
End of episode 6