Wasted (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - The Other Pub - full transcript

Carvery's on me today, guys.
I got a promotion at Bird Zone.

Well done, man.
What are you doing now ?

You are looking at the brand-new
penguin master.

They still got
that fibreglass polar bear there ?

- Yes, they do.
- I wanked your cousin off behind that.

Come through. Come through.

Morph, stop letting people
go ahead of us ! I'm fucking starving !

You must control your base instincts to
reap maximum rewards from the carvery.

Morph, no-one cares
about your stupid system.

First, like the hunter, you wait
for a moment to pounce,

which is when they bring out
the new turkey.



Then begins the strategy.

Meat goes into the middle.

You're only allowed three,
so ask for turkey, pork and beef.

Then say, "Oh, I wanted gammon,
not pork."

I call that the Carnifour.

Vegetables, baked ones only.

Potatoes, parsnips and stuffing.
Be careful with the stuffing,

cos it's always next to the peas.

Arrange sauces
like an artist's palette.

Then most important of all...

the Yorkshire pudding crown.

Add your gravy pond,
and for a bit of fun,

mashed potato ducks.

And that, my friends,
is the perfect carvery.



I'm trying to say is watch part three
again, cos it's really not that bad.

Come through.

- Fresh meat !
- Fuck it, mine !

WASTED

Season 1
Episode 3

Not eating your carvery, Morph ?
It's not a carvery, is it ?

It's an absolute outrage !

No fucking Yorkshire !

- I'll have it.
- No !

We're leaving that as a message.

You know ! You fucking know !

Fuck !

Tone it down.

Can we talk ?

Might be best.

Hiya.

- So... lately...
- I know.

- I mean, it's not...
- Oh, no, no, no.

Thank God. But you...

Hey.

- Because...
- It's cool.

Well...

You too.

Yeah.

What a bell-end !
Can you believe that ?!

Sorry, believe what, exactly ?

- I mean, you heard what he said.
- Not really.

We go out together, he moves me in,
we set up a harness, and then

we break up. He just doesn't know
what he wants.

Alison, if there's anything
I can do...

Oh, I know it's a Sunday, but can
we just get really, really drunk ?

Agreed. But not in this pub.

After this carvery debacle, I hope
the staff die in a house fire !

- Bit much, mate !
- Is it, though ? Actually, is it ?

A carvery without a Yorkshire !

I bite my thumb at thee, sir !

I bite my thumb at thee !

- Well, this is it.
- We're gonna have to try.

The other pub.

THE ROYAL SWAN

No-one goes in the Swan
since they done it up.

I'm sure it'll be fine.

JUS ! TAPENADE !
DUCK EGG !

CARNABY
STREET

Pints, then ?

Guys, I don't like it here !

The rugby's on.

Cucumber water ?

Shall we do one ?

Guys, we're here for Alison.

So let's pull up a chair.

It's screwed to the floor.

Guys, apparently, it's table service.

Where are we ?

This should be comfortable,
but it isn't.

- What ?
- I said...

- We should be able to talk.
- What the fuck is that ?

- Are you Facebook stalking him ?
- No ! I'm on his porn hub.

Would you like any olives ?

- Do we have to pay for olives ?
- Yes.

Then... no.

Guys, promotion !

We will have the olives, my love,
and some fucking wasabi peanuts.

Oh, shit !

Don't look. Don't look.
It's Alistair from school.

- Fuck, I'd forgotten about him.
- He's such a loser.

He's always following me around,
wanting to hang out with me.

So his mum phoned my mum
and he came round to my house

then pissed in my paddling pool.

Told him to stop pissing, but kept on
going and smiling at me like a Moomin.

Oh, my God !

What are you guys doing here ?

Just thinking about leaving actually.

When was the last time we were
all together ? Probably school.

That old building we used to go to
every day, having lessons !

I went past it the other day.
Still there !

It is, isn't it ?

And I saw Mrs Ryan the other week,
getting some petrol. Mental !

Mate, we're trying to have a drink,
so...

Me too.
We should have one together.

I'd rather suck Morpheus's cock.

Blackwell ! Still on form !

Is anyone sitting here ?

- What are you doing at the moment ?
- Well, actually...

I'm penguin master at Bird Zone.

- That's great, mate !
- Yeah. Things turned out all right.

So what are you up to,
then, Alistair from school ?

I mean, Alistair from now.

I'm the landlord in here.

No, you're not.
You work at the fucking Co-op !

When I was doing my BTEC.
Then I saved up, bought this place.

You run a bloody pub ?

- You're 20 fucking 4 !
- I know, yeah !

And we've just had a refurb, so we've
now got Giant Jenga, Dyson Airblade...

And weird fake candles.

We've even got a hot tub
out the back. Crazy !

Hats off to you Alistair !
I run a small business myself.

I know how bloody hard it can be.

Annual tax returns.

Annual ?!

Here are your olives.
Thank you, Rosalita.

Rosalita's from Leicester.

Bloody hell !

- Guys, my treat.
- Don't be silly. They're on the house.

I can pay for my own fucking drinks.
I'm penguin master.

Bloody hell !

Come on. Take a drink
from an old friend.

You're not our friend !
You're a fucking Moomin.

Blackwell !

I will have all the shots, please.

He's not even that fit, is he ?

Delete. Delete.

Revenge porn.

Delete.

So... about the holy man.

Not sure he was ever right for you.

Maybe I was punching
above my weight.

He's so sophisticated.

Whatever he is, he's history.

I think you should jump
straight back on the horse.

Maybe a bigger, sturdier horse.

- Like a rebound ?
- Exactly !

Well, to begin with. It starts with
a rebound, then you slowly realise...

- Right in the holy man's face !
- What... ?

Sorry to jump on you, Morph. Just want
to see that skinny bastard suffer.

Oh, right, see that skinny bastard
suffer, yeah.

Could you pretend
to be my boyfriend ?

Yes, please.
With all of my heart, yes !

Cheers mate.

So what happens now,
another kiss ?

He's coming over.
Put your arm round me.

- One arm.
- Got it.

So, you are...

... with him now.

Absolutely.

Don't hate the player,
hate the game.

- In fact, we're engaged.
- We're not engaged.

We're engaged to be engaged.

Seems... a bit quick.

Actually, Morpheus always had
feelings for me, didn't you ?

Since the first day I met you.

So there you have it.

And I would do anything for her.

I would walk through hell
for this woman

and fight Satan
in bare-knuckle combat

until his fiery hooves
tore the skin from my hands !

Fair enough.

- What is wrong with that guy ?!
- I just don't know.

He's gone now, mate.

Cool, yeah.

Would you recommend the merlot
or the rioj-er ?

Sod all that. Get some ale
down your neck, lad.

Sure.

Thanks.

- Is that a full pint ?
- Aye.

A bit surprised to see you here.

Didn't know you could appear
in the real world.

Thought we had to meet
in that magical forest.

Wish I hadn't now.
This fucking place !

There's a fella over there
sat with no socks on.

If he did that in the tavern,
he'd be cut from nave to chaps.

- Twat !
- Cool.

So, why are you here, spirit guide ?

I know what you're up to, Morpheus.

But do you really want to be
the rebound guy ?

Well, if I get through the door
as the rebound guy,

it gives me something to build on.

Then, over time, we phase out
the rebound

and I just become the guy

or the husband.

It never works, man.

Take it from somebody who knows
a bit about women.

With all due respect,
you and Catelyn Stark,

that wasn't exactly fireworks, mate.

Watch Lady Chatterley's Lover
then come back to me.

- You were in Lady Chatterley's Lover ?
- IMDB, mate.

Fucking hell, GoldenEye !

- There's a lot of Sharpe.
- Morpheus...

Heed my advice.
If you go after Alison,

it will end in sorrow.

Sorrow !

Sorrow...

Sorrow...

Sorrow...

Sorrow !

- OK, so you know your VAT return ?
- Yeah.

What is that ?

Oh, right, OK.

Basically, every quarter, you want to
compile all your invoices and receipts.

Right.

Make sure they're safe and sound.
If you have a safe, pop them in there.

Just get it out the way,
so send it to your accountant.

Big words, big words,
grown-up stuff.

Adult, adult, real man.

Business stuff, financial words,
impressive things.

Impressed, impressed.

Better than Kent.

Books I've read.
Witty anecdote, £50 note...

Spotify Premium ? Didn't think so !

I like to keep all my invoices
in a pillow case, cos it...

Remember when you shat yourself
in Physics ?

God ! Yeah, I haven't thought
about that in a while.

I think about it all the time
and it's still just as funny.

- Right.
- He was 11, though.

Yeah, and he filled his pants with
shit, in front of the whole class !

It's classic ! You never lived
that one down, did you ?

- No, I guess not.
- No.

- Kent shat himself in a cab last week.
- No, that was different.

I was on drugs.

Game of pool ?

No, you'll probably just whip me
like you used to.

Don't worry, I'll go easy on ya.

So, just to clarify, Kent,
you are the yellow balls, right ?

Yes !

I cannot believe I'm seven balls up
on Blackwell. Flukey or what ?

Or blatant cheating !

- Come on, Maradona. Your shot.
- OK.

Touched the white !
Two shots to me.

- Shut that face up !
- He's right, I did touch it.

I'm gonna need a rest.

We don't have a rest.

You haven't got a rest ?!
He hasn't got a rest !

Yeah, he's got a pool table, though,
in the pub he owns.

Yeah, but he hasn't got a rest,
have you ? You prick !

Come on, Morph, it's now or never.
Just book it.

GET TESTED
STD'S

Just book it.

$120 per night
Book Now

- Don't do it, Morpheus !
- Jesus !

- You're appearing on posters now ?
- So what ?

Just seems like your rules
are really loose.

I'm Sean Bean. I can do what I like.

About Alison,
you're thinking wi' your...

It's quite an eyeful !

But Alison wants a man
who knows what he wants

and I want to take her

to the top of the Empire State
Building on Valentine's Day

and then to that big sandwich place
from When Harry Met Sally.

I'm telling you, Morpheus...
don't book it !

You need to check Groupon first.

- Did you just look down again ?
- No. Just accidentally.

Get out of my head, Sean Bean !

Brain Box.

2005.

Easy. Miley Cyrus.

You sure it's not Hannah Montana ?

Hannah Montana was the character
in the show, you fucking goon !

OK. Miley Cyrus.

Well done, Alistair ! Just press
the button before we've all decided.

But you said...

I was presenting a debate,
you helmet. For the group to discuss.

We thought you were team captain.
You made a pretty big deal out of that.

Yeah, because I'm better than him.
And I can prove it.

Chins. We both take it in turns
to punch each other in the face

until one of us gives up.

I don't know if I want to do that.

What ?! You scared or something ?

Gonna piss yourself,
like you did in my paddling pool ?

No.

- Thought we were having a nice night.
- We're not. We're having a fight.

And why has that happened, then ?

Cos someone needs to realise who rules
the fucking roost around here !

Guys, why not get your dicks out
and measure them instead ?

- We don't wanna do that !
- I don't... No.

- Come on.
- You punch me first.

- You want me to punch you ?
- Yeah.

- What, in your face ?
- Yeah.

With, like, a closed fist ?

Yeah.

- OK.
- Come on, then !

Hit me ! Then we'll see
who the big man is.

OK. Look...

If you wanna be the big man,
you can,

because I'm pulling out.

Look, you're prepared to do this.
I'm not.

So, congratulations,
you win... big man.

Shake on it.

OK, I'll shake on it.

Fuck !

What was that ?

A punch.

- While we were shaking hands ?
- Yeah.

I did that.

Blackwell !

Alistair !

Let's go and get in the hot tub !

He's fucking me in the ear,
he doesn't even mean it !

Alison.

I've got something to tell you
and I want everyone to hear.

I love you.

I've always loved you.

And I can't live another moment
without you knowing.

- Bloody hell, Morph !
- And there's more.

As tomorrow's Valentine's day,
I am taking you...

It's OK, you can drop the act.

The plan worked.

We're back on !

- Really ?
- Yeah, was quite romantic, actually.

He told me he missed me,
then cut off a lock of his hair

and tied it to mine while I was
tugging him off in the bogs.

Aye.

Well, that is... smashing !

Really fucking smashing !

Bloody hell !

Mazel tov !

So, hot tub ?

You make an honest woman of her !

Well... early days, so...

Sorry.

I've got shaking hands and shit.

Even when he's being the smaller man,
he has to be the biggerman.

Maybe you should have a little cry
about it.

- He's a prick !
- Is he, though ?

Or maybe
you're just a bit jealous.

Jealous ?! Of him ?!

It's just...

I sleep on your couch,
and I've never got any fucking money.

It's not that bad.

You're penguin master !

No. I made that up.

I'm assistant penguin master.

Does the penguin master
need an assistant ?

Not really.

Just makes me clean up
the fish and shit.

Even the fucking Moomin's
doing better than me !

All right, OK, so maybe
he's got all this stuff,

but... he's still a Moomin.

And he looks up to you.

Still want
to fucking get him, though.

Are you... pissing ?

Right in his paddling pool !

OK. I'm doing it too !

Not on me !
No, I'm pointing it that way !

Point it that way.

Hit a warm spot !

That's weird.

It's an online check-in request
from BA on the shop email.

It's probably spam.
Don't even read it !

Well, no.
Apparently there's two tickets

booked to New York for tomorrow
for Valentine's Day.

- Give me the phone, show it's fake.
- Looks pretty real.

Passenger one is you
and passenger two is Alis...

... stair !

Alistair.

Alistair.

- Me ?
- Yeah.

You're with me, buddy !

It was supposed to be a...

... surprise...

... to say thank you for...

... such a great night.

It's a bit weird, mate.

No, it's the normal thing
one friend does for another, Kent.

For Valentine's Day ?

That was a Groupon.
The date was arbitrary.

So, Alistair, what do you say ?

Because I can easily cancel it
and I might be able to get a refund.

Well... Bloody hell, Morph !

I'd love to !

This is really happening !

We... we...

... are going to New York together.

- In four hours !
- Mazel tov !

The Big Apple !

New York City Times Square baby !

Brooklyn Bridge... Rockefeller...

Empire State !

There's a shop !

Oh my God,
we're actually in the hood !

Morph's just chillin'.

Oh, my God, Morph ! Try it on !

- That looks amazing.
- Thanks.

Oh, look, Morph ! Morph !

I'm walking here.

He we are in an authentic
American diner.

I'll have what he's having.

Here's the master suite hotel room.

That's our bed, double.
Two lads, bit awkward, but hilarious.

There's Morph !

- Why me...
- He's loving life.

No, I think he's feeling
a bit overwhelmed.

- You all right, Morph ?
- Get out !

WASTED

Season 1
End of episode 3