Wasted (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - The Odyssey - full transcript
After a drug-fuelled night in Bath the group and pick-up Sophie are dumped in the middle of nowhere after Sarah throws up in a taxi and Sean Bean appears to Morpheus to tell him it is quest to lead them safely home. This takes them through a dogging ground and an all-night garage where Alison drinks too much for a person taking their driving test next day and Sarah has a fit of self doubt. They end up in a curry house where Morpheus is put in Sophie's bad books as a result of Kent doing something truly disgusting.
It started at the shop,
preloading with shots at the till.
Alison played tattoo ninja.
Kent bet he could do bong shots.
He said it's made him psychic.
I pretended to be a Jedi.
Alison got the sword.
It was time to go. Taxi to Bath.
Pretended to be Heath Ledger's
Joker. It was fucking cool.
Straight into Infernos. It was full
of townies. We had it anyway.
Two-for-one on shots.
Some creep hit on Alison.
Rescued her with a dance wall.
Kent and Sarah danced slow because
"they're just good friends".
Creep circled again.
Dance wall held.
Tried my new vape stick.
Banoffee pie.
Alison deep-throated
a glow stick.
I love her with all of my soul.
Kent met a girl on the dance floor.
Sarah took it well.
Then we all got hammered.
I fucking love Bath.
Adventure Time is so cool.
I mean, it's meant for kids,
but it's actually on two levels.
Tinkerbell, what the fuck
are you doing in our cab ?
Don't listen to her.
She's just at stage one, anger.
STAGE 1:
ANGER
- Stage one ?
- There's seven stages of Sarah.
Same every time.
- She'll be at stage two in a minute.
- What's stage two ?
Pull over !
STAGE 2:
CHUNDER
Sarah !
Get the fuck out of my cab !
WASTED
Season 1
Episode 2
It just noises now. No flow.
Maybe we should try and find
some shelter.
Like, a deserted barn when you can
actually see the stars
shining through the roof.
Yes !
What ?
And get eaten alive by rats ?
- Oh, I fucking hate rats.
- Oh, I think they're cute.
- It's their little noses, isn't it ?
- Yes.
I'll try Barry's Cabs.
Mate, mate. Tell us
what happens in Adventure Time ?
So you can continue to lie
about who you are ?
I was pretending I've seen
a cartoon, what's your problem ?
Ever since you met Sophie you've been
painting an image of yourself
that is, quite frankly,
unrepresentative.
- Yeah, because I'm trying to shag her.
- Poetic.
You look a right self-righteous
prick when you smoke that.
Well, excuse me for avoiding
cancer.
No-one's answering.
So, we're fucking stranded !
I've got my driving test in
the morning.
I need to be home
and sober now.
Then, shouldn't you
stop drinking ?
No, because the fresh air
balances me out.
I'll try Starlight.
It's definitely fine now.
Hi up, lad.
Sean Bean.
You scared my balls off.
- I lost my balls in battle.
- Seriously ?
Only joking, lad.
Frostbite.
OK.
You don't have a cab number,
do you ?
Morpheus,
no carriage is coming for you
tonight,
and this group needs a leader.
It's your quest to get this
lot home.
Oh. My. God.
You're giving me a quest ?
Sean Bean is giving me a quest !
Calm down.
Am I going to find a ring
or a magic bag ?
I should never have said quest,
I just... used the wrong word.
It's down to you,
to lead this group
on the eight mile walk back
to Neston Berry.
Challenge accepted.
Now, will there be an amulet, or...
No amulets. For fuck's sake.
Got it.
Getting a bit cold now, innit ?
Almost like the seasons are
changing.
Almost like summer is over
and winter is...
- I'm not saying it.
- Fair enough.
- Just once.
- No !
- Please.
- Not a chance.
The quest begins.
THE QUEST
BEGINS
NOT A QUEST
- Can I just say, walking is shit ?
- Can't we just stick to the road ?
Alison, this app crowd sources
routes from all its users,
to create perfect short cuts
through rural areas.
Follow this line, we'll pop out
by the petrol station.
Just use Google maps
like every other fucker.
Wait. That's weird.
It says 72 people have passed this way
in the last week
but the route stops here.
What's that light ?
That... is someone wearing
a head torch.
Look, there's another one.
What are they actually
doing out here ?
Morph, I think you might
have downloaded a dogging app.
Oh, come on,
Back Passages is not a...
- Actually, now saying it out loud...
- There's another one.
How is this going to work out ?
The one in the middle
is having a good night.
It's actually kind of beautiful.
Is that...
Another one, just watching ?
There's nothing wrong
with watching.
Is there a petrol station
round here ?
- Yeah, two mile down that way.
- Thanks.
- Your fly's undone.
- Yeah. I know.
Bye.
Doggerland
SHOP
Garage of Hope
SPECIAL
OFFER !
- And can I have some....
- Head torch batteries ?
No, paracetamol and less
assumptions from you.
Right, well, it's 10 pounds minimum,
but if you did want the batteries
we got a deal on where you get
half-price condoms
and a pair of fingerless gloves.
Just get us a bottle of voddy.
You're drinking vodka now ?
- Wanna fail your driving test ?
- No.
That's why I got the Red Bull.
They cancel each other out.
You actually might want
to come and see this.
Morph, buy tissues.
Panicky face emoji.
Ah, stage three. Mischief.
STAGE 3:
MISCHIEF
What is she actually doing ?
I've seen this before.
Are you making
mixed race biscuits ?
Kent ? Kent ?
Oh, Jesus Christ.
God, you've been fucking ages.
I didn't know you were...
What's wrong with the toilet ?
- It's out of order.
- This is absolutely disgusting.
Calm down, mate.
It's only a street dump.
You've got a name for it ! Kent,
this is a working petrol station.
Families stop here
for provisions.
Just pass me the tissues
and keep a lookout for Sophie.
A human would have waited
until we got home.
I can't let Sophie
anywhere near this.
If I dropped this at home,
the whole house would be nuked.
You wouldn't understand
cos you're a virgin.
I had sex
on my French exchange.
Yeah, with the mysterious Angelique
who's not even on Facebook.
Look, if you have to pretend
be someone else in front
of your girlfriend then maybe
she isn't right for you.
Yeah, well, if you have to pretend
your girlfriend exists,
maybe you're a bit fucking nuts.
Hey, aren't you going
to clean that up ?
Street dump, mate.
Fucking, hell, Kent.
Jesus.
This is disgusting.
There you go.
All done now.
It's horrible.
You know it's coming,
but you're never quite prepared.
It's like a giant burning
"Fuck you !" in the sky.
It's a shining beacon of hope
for our quest.
If we keep up with this pace,
we'll be back on the sofa
in time for Saturday Kitchen.
Oh, my God ! It's still here !
Quest cancelled, mate.
At least till stage three's over.
- Sarah, get off !
- Never !
- Might as well skin up then.
- Driving test.
Fuck you ground !
Although if I do get stoned,
I'll sleep really deeply
and wake up even fresher.
Fuck it. Roll up a fatty.
Quest.
Apparently when they write
Adventure Time, they smoke pot,
which is why it's actually
so random.
Do you watch... anything else ?
- I don't know, is that on Netflix ?
- Enjoy.
Kent, I don't normally actually
go home with boys I've just met,
but we've got
so much in common.
I mean, we both love Pokemon,
Wes Anderson films.
Yeah... love...
And I cannot wait to play badminton
with you.
- Although no rush on that.
- Yeah.
Brownie can suck my dick !
- I actually don't do drugs.
- It's not drugs, it's weed.
I'd have a go on
your friend's vape stick though.
That actually looks so fun.
I mean, banoffee pie.
Yeah, that's lovely that.
Lend us your vape.
I thought it was for
self-righteous pricks.
It is and people desperately trying
to impress self-righteous pricks, so...
- Sophie.
- I don't know, man.
Maybe you're right, maybe
completely lying about who I am
isn't the healthiest way
to start a relationship.
Shocker.
Vaporiser's in here somewhere.
Hold this.
- Hold that.
- What is it ?
- That is your mess.
- What ?
The mess you made behind the garage
that you forced me to clean up.
Dude, what the fuck ?!
You're carrying a turd around
in your record bag !
Well, until I find somewhere
to put it, yes, I am.
How about there ? Or there ?
Or anywhere that isn't
inside your own fucking bag ?!
Children play in these woods, Kent.
When I was six, I went down a slide
straight over a fresh one.
I had someone else's poo
in my own pants.
I will not do that to someone else !
Is that the slide
on Padstock Green ?
- Do not tell me that was one of yours.
- I will not tell you that.
Oh, fuck's sake !
I can't believe I was taking advice
off a man who's carrying around a shit.
I'm not carrying it around
indefinitely.
- Just until we find a dog waste bin.
- You're fucking nuts.
Seriously, mate.
A shit in a bag ?
Put this in here.
There you go.
Come on, lad, why have you got
a mucky in your bag ?
- Oh, so you're taking his side.
- We've all been there.
Sean Bean does street dumps ?
I live in medieval times,
every dump's a street dump.
I've done it outside a tavern,
in ditches. Dropped one off a horse.
- Once left one on a drawbridge.
- Right.
Look, you're supposed to be
my spirit guide.
- I thought you had my back, Sean.
- Look, I do, lad. I do.
But I need you to think about what
you're doing. Look inside yourself.
- I gave you this quest.
- Ah, so it is a quest.
No, it's not !
It's not a quest, it's a...
You've said it now,
so you can't take it back, Sean.
Fuck's sake.
- What flavour's that ?
- Banoffee pie.
Nice. I've got the same.
I can't do it ! I can't do it !
She's on stage four, self-doubt.
STAGE 4:
SELF-DOUBT
Swing back over and we'll try
and catch you.
- Try ?
- Definitely catch you. Hopefully.
And come back to what,
my shitty little life ?
Actually I think she's skipped
straight to stage five,
existential doubt.
STAGE 5:
EXISTENTIAL DOUBT
That was quick. It normally takes
at least an hour and a bag of chips.
You're just trying to trick me
so I fall,
cos none of you
have ever liked me.
- Oh, for God's sake.
- We don't all hate you.
I suppose you've all had a laugh
about my Kickstarter video too !
- For my erotic novel !
- We didn't know about that.
Did we know about that ?
- What's it called ?
- It's called The Mill On The Moor.
It's about a disfigured man
in a windmill, who meets
a beautiful time-travelling girl
with short blond hair.
Don't pretend
you didn't know that !
Oh, I found it. One view.
Come on. You're just having
the booze panics.
Swing back over so we can get,
like, an hour's sleep.
No. The water's my only friend
because it's black, like my soul.
Take me to your dark heart
of doubt.
Doubt. Doubt.
Doubt !
Doubt. Doubt.
I am the booming voice of doubt.
That tweet you posted four years ago
might have come out a bit racist.
Doubt. Doubt. That itch in your ear
is probably spiders' eggs.
Doubt. Doubt.
There's apps
that can tell people
when you stalk their Facebook.
Doubt.
You went to a reggae night
instead of visiting Grandma...
And she died. Doubt. Doubt.
Fingernails are indigestible.
There's a ball of them
in your intestines.
- And it's only getting bigger.
- They can't form a ball.
They bloody can !
Maybe you should watch
Adventure Time like that girl
he likes more than you.
Actually... Actually...
Your hair is thinning a bit, maybe.
- You love reggae more than Grandma ?
- Maybe I did that night.
And now she's dead
because of you.
Oh, my God,
is she actually having a fit ?
No, it's just the booming voice
of self-doubt.
I'm sorry, Grandma.
I just love the dark.
Puddle
of Doubt
- Why are we so wet ?
- 'Cause you Tom Daleyed into a puddle.
- Why did we go to a puddle ?
- Because your brother's a dogger.
Why are we so wet ?
Guys, she's looping,
we've hit stage six.
STAGE 6:
LOOPING
Is that a curry house doing
a breakfast special ?
That's a mirage.
There's no curry house on this road.
You can't mirage a curry house.
- You mirage a complete twat.
- Let's get in there and get a bhuna.
Curry breakfast ?!
There's a second time for everything
and it will sober her up
and we'll end up saving time.
Bosch !
I actually don't really like
spicy foods.
Get some fucking chips then !
As a side and we'll share.
- Whatever you like.
- We haven't got time for a curry !
- There's always a time for a curry.
- Not when my driving test is...
Almost in the past !
You know what ?
Fuck it. It'll just be the same
as last time.
I'll get overexcited,
do 80 on a B road
and end up pulling deer chunks
out of my radiator.
Alison, if you quit now,
this whole quest
will be for nothing.
- Why am I so wet ?
- You fell in a puddle !
Fuck ! Come on, Alison.
Imagine what it would be like
to drive yourself to Odeon.
You're right. I could get my
own pick and mix.
And then we wouldn't keep
brushing hands in the bag accidentally.
- Yeah, accidentally.
- OK, guys, I'm fucking doing it !
- Cheers !
- No, stop drinking.
- Oh, got it, yeah.
- Company, march.
Guys, this place is massive.
There's this whole other area
back there that's completely empty.
I thought it was a mirror, but
turns out it's the whole function room.
Who has a curry function ?
Actually, I would love that.
- Please come here for my funeral.
- Why is it always a funeral with you ?
Why is it never a function
when you're alive ?
I just like the idea of everyone
missing me and talking about me
and having a lovely curry.
Fine, we'll have a curry
at your funeral.
Or Pizza Express in Bath.
Ultimately, it's your day.
I just had the weirdest chat
with your mate.
Bosh !
She kept saying, "We're cool".
- Then she actually...
- Tried to kiss you.
- Yeah.
- Stage 6.5, temporary lesbianism.
STAGE 6.5:
TEMPORARY LESBIANISM
- You don't always get that one.
- Hello, Alison.
- Eat your naan.
- Excuse me.
Can I get a Cobra please ?
Sophie ?
I've actually got
a bit of a headache.
- Morph brought some paracetamol.
- It's in my bag.
- Is that my shish ?
- Here you go.
- No ! Don't, don't... !
- Oh, God !
- Morph, what the fuck ?
- Yeah, Morph, what the fuck ?
- What the fuck ?
- I haven't found a dog poo bin.
- Why have you got a dog turd ?!
- It's OK. It's OK.
It's not an actual dog turd,
it's human.
- Holly shit !
- Shit !
- That's fucking gross !
- Mate !
Fuck's sake !
I couldn't just leave it on the street,
could I ?!
- Yes, you could !
- Who does a poo on the street ?
Actually ?
It's disgusting ! It's... Are you
fucked ? Are you sick in the head ?
I mean, what's wrong with you ?
Are you, like, some kind of animal ?
Yes, Sophie.
I am, in fact, an animal.
I've had problems with my bowels
for many years now.
At the age of five, I was told
I had IBS. I can't control it...
It's fine. I've got this.
It was me. I do street dumps.
Semi-regularly.
It's how I roll.
It's a part of who I am.
And if you can't deal with it, then,
well, I guess
we shouldn't be together.
Thank you.
- Well done, mate.
- Thank you.
- Is that my shish ?
- No !
Nice of them to give us
the hot towels.
I could've done
with more mints though.
- Did it really... ?
- Yeah.
Let's go inside, let's go to bed
and never speak of this again.
Or... cheeky fry up ?
How can you want to eat
after that ?
Stage seven, bacon.
STAGE 7:
BACON
- Sorry about Sophie, mate.
- Yeah. I should've listened to you.
You know, there was a moment then,
where just for a second
I thought she was going to be OK
with it.
Was that before or after
she was covered in shit ?
Before.
Definitely before.
Quest complete.
It's not a quest !
Can't take it back, Bean.
YOUR QUEST IS OVER
Ah, bollocks !
Slow. Slow down !
Brake ! Brake ! Brake !
Not again !
WASTED
Season 1
End of episode 2
preloading with shots at the till.
Alison played tattoo ninja.
Kent bet he could do bong shots.
He said it's made him psychic.
I pretended to be a Jedi.
Alison got the sword.
It was time to go. Taxi to Bath.
Pretended to be Heath Ledger's
Joker. It was fucking cool.
Straight into Infernos. It was full
of townies. We had it anyway.
Two-for-one on shots.
Some creep hit on Alison.
Rescued her with a dance wall.
Kent and Sarah danced slow because
"they're just good friends".
Creep circled again.
Dance wall held.
Tried my new vape stick.
Banoffee pie.
Alison deep-throated
a glow stick.
I love her with all of my soul.
Kent met a girl on the dance floor.
Sarah took it well.
Then we all got hammered.
I fucking love Bath.
Adventure Time is so cool.
I mean, it's meant for kids,
but it's actually on two levels.
Tinkerbell, what the fuck
are you doing in our cab ?
Don't listen to her.
She's just at stage one, anger.
STAGE 1:
ANGER
- Stage one ?
- There's seven stages of Sarah.
Same every time.
- She'll be at stage two in a minute.
- What's stage two ?
Pull over !
STAGE 2:
CHUNDER
Sarah !
Get the fuck out of my cab !
WASTED
Season 1
Episode 2
It just noises now. No flow.
Maybe we should try and find
some shelter.
Like, a deserted barn when you can
actually see the stars
shining through the roof.
Yes !
What ?
And get eaten alive by rats ?
- Oh, I fucking hate rats.
- Oh, I think they're cute.
- It's their little noses, isn't it ?
- Yes.
I'll try Barry's Cabs.
Mate, mate. Tell us
what happens in Adventure Time ?
So you can continue to lie
about who you are ?
I was pretending I've seen
a cartoon, what's your problem ?
Ever since you met Sophie you've been
painting an image of yourself
that is, quite frankly,
unrepresentative.
- Yeah, because I'm trying to shag her.
- Poetic.
You look a right self-righteous
prick when you smoke that.
Well, excuse me for avoiding
cancer.
No-one's answering.
So, we're fucking stranded !
I've got my driving test in
the morning.
I need to be home
and sober now.
Then, shouldn't you
stop drinking ?
No, because the fresh air
balances me out.
I'll try Starlight.
It's definitely fine now.
Hi up, lad.
Sean Bean.
You scared my balls off.
- I lost my balls in battle.
- Seriously ?
Only joking, lad.
Frostbite.
OK.
You don't have a cab number,
do you ?
Morpheus,
no carriage is coming for you
tonight,
and this group needs a leader.
It's your quest to get this
lot home.
Oh. My. God.
You're giving me a quest ?
Sean Bean is giving me a quest !
Calm down.
Am I going to find a ring
or a magic bag ?
I should never have said quest,
I just... used the wrong word.
It's down to you,
to lead this group
on the eight mile walk back
to Neston Berry.
Challenge accepted.
Now, will there be an amulet, or...
No amulets. For fuck's sake.
Got it.
Getting a bit cold now, innit ?
Almost like the seasons are
changing.
Almost like summer is over
and winter is...
- I'm not saying it.
- Fair enough.
- Just once.
- No !
- Please.
- Not a chance.
The quest begins.
THE QUEST
BEGINS
NOT A QUEST
- Can I just say, walking is shit ?
- Can't we just stick to the road ?
Alison, this app crowd sources
routes from all its users,
to create perfect short cuts
through rural areas.
Follow this line, we'll pop out
by the petrol station.
Just use Google maps
like every other fucker.
Wait. That's weird.
It says 72 people have passed this way
in the last week
but the route stops here.
What's that light ?
That... is someone wearing
a head torch.
Look, there's another one.
What are they actually
doing out here ?
Morph, I think you might
have downloaded a dogging app.
Oh, come on,
Back Passages is not a...
- Actually, now saying it out loud...
- There's another one.
How is this going to work out ?
The one in the middle
is having a good night.
It's actually kind of beautiful.
Is that...
Another one, just watching ?
There's nothing wrong
with watching.
Is there a petrol station
round here ?
- Yeah, two mile down that way.
- Thanks.
- Your fly's undone.
- Yeah. I know.
Bye.
Doggerland
SHOP
Garage of Hope
SPECIAL
OFFER !
- And can I have some....
- Head torch batteries ?
No, paracetamol and less
assumptions from you.
Right, well, it's 10 pounds minimum,
but if you did want the batteries
we got a deal on where you get
half-price condoms
and a pair of fingerless gloves.
Just get us a bottle of voddy.
You're drinking vodka now ?
- Wanna fail your driving test ?
- No.
That's why I got the Red Bull.
They cancel each other out.
You actually might want
to come and see this.
Morph, buy tissues.
Panicky face emoji.
Ah, stage three. Mischief.
STAGE 3:
MISCHIEF
What is she actually doing ?
I've seen this before.
Are you making
mixed race biscuits ?
Kent ? Kent ?
Oh, Jesus Christ.
God, you've been fucking ages.
I didn't know you were...
What's wrong with the toilet ?
- It's out of order.
- This is absolutely disgusting.
Calm down, mate.
It's only a street dump.
You've got a name for it ! Kent,
this is a working petrol station.
Families stop here
for provisions.
Just pass me the tissues
and keep a lookout for Sophie.
A human would have waited
until we got home.
I can't let Sophie
anywhere near this.
If I dropped this at home,
the whole house would be nuked.
You wouldn't understand
cos you're a virgin.
I had sex
on my French exchange.
Yeah, with the mysterious Angelique
who's not even on Facebook.
Look, if you have to pretend
be someone else in front
of your girlfriend then maybe
she isn't right for you.
Yeah, well, if you have to pretend
your girlfriend exists,
maybe you're a bit fucking nuts.
Hey, aren't you going
to clean that up ?
Street dump, mate.
Fucking, hell, Kent.
Jesus.
This is disgusting.
There you go.
All done now.
It's horrible.
You know it's coming,
but you're never quite prepared.
It's like a giant burning
"Fuck you !" in the sky.
It's a shining beacon of hope
for our quest.
If we keep up with this pace,
we'll be back on the sofa
in time for Saturday Kitchen.
Oh, my God ! It's still here !
Quest cancelled, mate.
At least till stage three's over.
- Sarah, get off !
- Never !
- Might as well skin up then.
- Driving test.
Fuck you ground !
Although if I do get stoned,
I'll sleep really deeply
and wake up even fresher.
Fuck it. Roll up a fatty.
Quest.
Apparently when they write
Adventure Time, they smoke pot,
which is why it's actually
so random.
Do you watch... anything else ?
- I don't know, is that on Netflix ?
- Enjoy.
Kent, I don't normally actually
go home with boys I've just met,
but we've got
so much in common.
I mean, we both love Pokemon,
Wes Anderson films.
Yeah... love...
And I cannot wait to play badminton
with you.
- Although no rush on that.
- Yeah.
Brownie can suck my dick !
- I actually don't do drugs.
- It's not drugs, it's weed.
I'd have a go on
your friend's vape stick though.
That actually looks so fun.
I mean, banoffee pie.
Yeah, that's lovely that.
Lend us your vape.
I thought it was for
self-righteous pricks.
It is and people desperately trying
to impress self-righteous pricks, so...
- Sophie.
- I don't know, man.
Maybe you're right, maybe
completely lying about who I am
isn't the healthiest way
to start a relationship.
Shocker.
Vaporiser's in here somewhere.
Hold this.
- Hold that.
- What is it ?
- That is your mess.
- What ?
The mess you made behind the garage
that you forced me to clean up.
Dude, what the fuck ?!
You're carrying a turd around
in your record bag !
Well, until I find somewhere
to put it, yes, I am.
How about there ? Or there ?
Or anywhere that isn't
inside your own fucking bag ?!
Children play in these woods, Kent.
When I was six, I went down a slide
straight over a fresh one.
I had someone else's poo
in my own pants.
I will not do that to someone else !
Is that the slide
on Padstock Green ?
- Do not tell me that was one of yours.
- I will not tell you that.
Oh, fuck's sake !
I can't believe I was taking advice
off a man who's carrying around a shit.
I'm not carrying it around
indefinitely.
- Just until we find a dog waste bin.
- You're fucking nuts.
Seriously, mate.
A shit in a bag ?
Put this in here.
There you go.
Come on, lad, why have you got
a mucky in your bag ?
- Oh, so you're taking his side.
- We've all been there.
Sean Bean does street dumps ?
I live in medieval times,
every dump's a street dump.
I've done it outside a tavern,
in ditches. Dropped one off a horse.
- Once left one on a drawbridge.
- Right.
Look, you're supposed to be
my spirit guide.
- I thought you had my back, Sean.
- Look, I do, lad. I do.
But I need you to think about what
you're doing. Look inside yourself.
- I gave you this quest.
- Ah, so it is a quest.
No, it's not !
It's not a quest, it's a...
You've said it now,
so you can't take it back, Sean.
Fuck's sake.
- What flavour's that ?
- Banoffee pie.
Nice. I've got the same.
I can't do it ! I can't do it !
She's on stage four, self-doubt.
STAGE 4:
SELF-DOUBT
Swing back over and we'll try
and catch you.
- Try ?
- Definitely catch you. Hopefully.
And come back to what,
my shitty little life ?
Actually I think she's skipped
straight to stage five,
existential doubt.
STAGE 5:
EXISTENTIAL DOUBT
That was quick. It normally takes
at least an hour and a bag of chips.
You're just trying to trick me
so I fall,
cos none of you
have ever liked me.
- Oh, for God's sake.
- We don't all hate you.
I suppose you've all had a laugh
about my Kickstarter video too !
- For my erotic novel !
- We didn't know about that.
Did we know about that ?
- What's it called ?
- It's called The Mill On The Moor.
It's about a disfigured man
in a windmill, who meets
a beautiful time-travelling girl
with short blond hair.
Don't pretend
you didn't know that !
Oh, I found it. One view.
Come on. You're just having
the booze panics.
Swing back over so we can get,
like, an hour's sleep.
No. The water's my only friend
because it's black, like my soul.
Take me to your dark heart
of doubt.
Doubt. Doubt.
Doubt !
Doubt. Doubt.
I am the booming voice of doubt.
That tweet you posted four years ago
might have come out a bit racist.
Doubt. Doubt. That itch in your ear
is probably spiders' eggs.
Doubt. Doubt.
There's apps
that can tell people
when you stalk their Facebook.
Doubt.
You went to a reggae night
instead of visiting Grandma...
And she died. Doubt. Doubt.
Fingernails are indigestible.
There's a ball of them
in your intestines.
- And it's only getting bigger.
- They can't form a ball.
They bloody can !
Maybe you should watch
Adventure Time like that girl
he likes more than you.
Actually... Actually...
Your hair is thinning a bit, maybe.
- You love reggae more than Grandma ?
- Maybe I did that night.
And now she's dead
because of you.
Oh, my God,
is she actually having a fit ?
No, it's just the booming voice
of self-doubt.
I'm sorry, Grandma.
I just love the dark.
Puddle
of Doubt
- Why are we so wet ?
- 'Cause you Tom Daleyed into a puddle.
- Why did we go to a puddle ?
- Because your brother's a dogger.
Why are we so wet ?
Guys, she's looping,
we've hit stage six.
STAGE 6:
LOOPING
Is that a curry house doing
a breakfast special ?
That's a mirage.
There's no curry house on this road.
You can't mirage a curry house.
- You mirage a complete twat.
- Let's get in there and get a bhuna.
Curry breakfast ?!
There's a second time for everything
and it will sober her up
and we'll end up saving time.
Bosch !
I actually don't really like
spicy foods.
Get some fucking chips then !
As a side and we'll share.
- Whatever you like.
- We haven't got time for a curry !
- There's always a time for a curry.
- Not when my driving test is...
Almost in the past !
You know what ?
Fuck it. It'll just be the same
as last time.
I'll get overexcited,
do 80 on a B road
and end up pulling deer chunks
out of my radiator.
Alison, if you quit now,
this whole quest
will be for nothing.
- Why am I so wet ?
- You fell in a puddle !
Fuck ! Come on, Alison.
Imagine what it would be like
to drive yourself to Odeon.
You're right. I could get my
own pick and mix.
And then we wouldn't keep
brushing hands in the bag accidentally.
- Yeah, accidentally.
- OK, guys, I'm fucking doing it !
- Cheers !
- No, stop drinking.
- Oh, got it, yeah.
- Company, march.
Guys, this place is massive.
There's this whole other area
back there that's completely empty.
I thought it was a mirror, but
turns out it's the whole function room.
Who has a curry function ?
Actually, I would love that.
- Please come here for my funeral.
- Why is it always a funeral with you ?
Why is it never a function
when you're alive ?
I just like the idea of everyone
missing me and talking about me
and having a lovely curry.
Fine, we'll have a curry
at your funeral.
Or Pizza Express in Bath.
Ultimately, it's your day.
I just had the weirdest chat
with your mate.
Bosh !
She kept saying, "We're cool".
- Then she actually...
- Tried to kiss you.
- Yeah.
- Stage 6.5, temporary lesbianism.
STAGE 6.5:
TEMPORARY LESBIANISM
- You don't always get that one.
- Hello, Alison.
- Eat your naan.
- Excuse me.
Can I get a Cobra please ?
Sophie ?
I've actually got
a bit of a headache.
- Morph brought some paracetamol.
- It's in my bag.
- Is that my shish ?
- Here you go.
- No ! Don't, don't... !
- Oh, God !
- Morph, what the fuck ?
- Yeah, Morph, what the fuck ?
- What the fuck ?
- I haven't found a dog poo bin.
- Why have you got a dog turd ?!
- It's OK. It's OK.
It's not an actual dog turd,
it's human.
- Holly shit !
- Shit !
- That's fucking gross !
- Mate !
Fuck's sake !
I couldn't just leave it on the street,
could I ?!
- Yes, you could !
- Who does a poo on the street ?
Actually ?
It's disgusting ! It's... Are you
fucked ? Are you sick in the head ?
I mean, what's wrong with you ?
Are you, like, some kind of animal ?
Yes, Sophie.
I am, in fact, an animal.
I've had problems with my bowels
for many years now.
At the age of five, I was told
I had IBS. I can't control it...
It's fine. I've got this.
It was me. I do street dumps.
Semi-regularly.
It's how I roll.
It's a part of who I am.
And if you can't deal with it, then,
well, I guess
we shouldn't be together.
Thank you.
- Well done, mate.
- Thank you.
- Is that my shish ?
- No !
Nice of them to give us
the hot towels.
I could've done
with more mints though.
- Did it really... ?
- Yeah.
Let's go inside, let's go to bed
and never speak of this again.
Or... cheeky fry up ?
How can you want to eat
after that ?
Stage seven, bacon.
STAGE 7:
BACON
- Sorry about Sophie, mate.
- Yeah. I should've listened to you.
You know, there was a moment then,
where just for a second
I thought she was going to be OK
with it.
Was that before or after
she was covered in shit ?
Before.
Definitely before.
Quest complete.
It's not a quest !
Can't take it back, Bean.
YOUR QUEST IS OVER
Ah, bollocks !
Slow. Slow down !
Brake ! Brake ! Brake !
Not again !
WASTED
Season 1
End of episode 2