Wasted (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Nineties Pills - full transcript
Slacker Morpheus lives in a head shop in the West country village of Nestonbury with his cynical sister Sarah, failed DJ Kent and tattoo artist Alison, whom he fancies. The girls score pills from Chris - the Holy Man - who tells them about a mythical stash of dope buried in a local field twenty years earlier which the quartet dig up with Morpheus ingesting it. This does not bode well for him when he gets stoned running the village pub quiz and even his spirit guide. actor Sean Bean, who periodically appears to him, is unable to prevent him from getting embarrassingly and publicly wasted.
WASTED
Season 1
Episode 1
So...
Nestonbury, we meet again.
STONED HENGE
You think the same freedom applies
to somebody who has an unendurable,
in their judgment, condition ?
Would you fuck Paxman ?
Repeatedly.
Really ?
I thought you liked cool guys
with tattoos.
- I do.
- Thank God.
But Paxman is another level.
The whole quizmaster vibe,
how he never backs down
when he knows he's right.
And you know he's packing heat.
That's why they give him such
a big desk.
You are a lover. Borrow Cupid's wings
and soar with them.
All right, dickheads.
Oh my God !
Kent effing Blackwell !
- All right, mate, lose the hard-on.
- Sorry.
- Alison.
- That's where my sunglasses went !
Nah. Caught these in Brizzle.
That's what we call Bristol, there.
Sarah.
- What ?
- OK.
Anyway, I'm moving back.
Right, so being a DJ
worked out, then ?
Yeah, totally fucking worked out.
So much
so you've come back home ?
Yeah.
A real live DJ living in Nestonbury.
I know, mate. Get used to it.
Come for the old room back.
Mate, you can stay
as long as you like.
He can, can he ?
It's my shop too !
Chill out, Alan Sugar.
I can pay the rent.
Soon as I get my job back
at Bird Zone.
Will they have you back, though ?
Didn't you give a pelican
some acid ?
Yeah.
Tried to fuck a buzzard.
Things are going to be
so epic now Kent's back.
- You are such a gimp for him.
- No.
He's my oldest friend
and he's always had my back.
Like that time he melted
all your Warhammer figures ?
- Yeah, to teach me how sad they were.
- Look, Kent's all right.
You're just being all Dawson's Creek
about it because you two...
Were fucking pissed
and it didn't mean anything.
OK...
- Any change, then ?
- From a tenner ?
That's fine.
So what have you chumps
been up to ?
Still coming here every night and
doing the pub quiz on a Thursday ?
No. The pub quiz was cancelled
because
a lot of the same questions
started coming up.
Mostly about Nazis.
Even the music round.
- And the picture round.
- And the...
Nazi round.
So, just kicking round
the shop, then ?
- Thought you were going to India ?
- I am.
I'm just saving up.
- Obviously doesn't want to go, then.
- Obviously.
Yeah, fucking do, actually.
Especially now you're back.
Well, to get my decks I sold pills.
Probably a bit hardcore for you,
though.
- Yeah, probably.
- No.
No, I'm well hardcore.
I'd sell pills.
I just don't know anyone
that could, like, hook me up.
I do.
Want me to text my dealer ?
- No, don't worry about it. It's cool.
- It's set.
Brilliant.
- Got to through with it now.
- Yeah.
- Sooner the better, mate.
- Whoa, come on, guys.
It's the first time we've all been
together in over a year.
We should celebrate that.
With a proper old-school
Neston big one.
Great night. Great night.
- Classic Neston.
- Standard.
Oh, come on, mate.
It's only fucking Bird Zone.
All right, Jason. Bye.
- Twat.
- Got your job back, then ?
They want me to come in
for an interview, which is bollocks,
cos I know for a fact that Danny's
got his GCSE mocks coming up,
so they definitely need cover.
Well, they'd be lucky to have you.
- Thanks, mate.
- All right, Morph.
A new needle's going in.
I say new, I got it off eBay,
so it might be a bit wonky.
OK. What ?
And it's going in your spine
so breathe in.
Alison, wait, can't...
Morpheus...
Morpheus...
Listen...
Morpheus !
Greetings, Morpheus.
Sean Bean !
No. Not actually Sean Bean.
I am your subconscious mind,
manifesting itself into the form
you trust the most.
Makes sense.
I am your spirit guide.
And I have a gift
from the spirit world.
Really ?
Come closer.
Don't be shy.
Come closer.
What was that ?
A wake-up call, lad.
You've been a right donkey
about this Alison lass.
Don't... Don't have feelings
for Alison.
So you've never dreamed
about taking her
to the top of the Empire State building
on Valentine's Day,
waiting till everyone's gone
and then losing your virginity
up against
the 10 pence telescope ?
Hey, I lost my virginity
when I was 15.
You can't lie to me, lad.
I'm in your head, Morpheus.
Yeah, well, you weren't there then,
because I was on my French exchange.
Look, I think we've got off
on the wrong foot.
Take a stump.
This tattoo you're getting,
what's it even of ?
It's a 1:5000 scale map
of the land of Westeros.
- Why you getting that ?
- Because I like Game Of Thrones.
Obvs.
You're pussyfooting around.
If you want a shot with this Alison
you've got to be more assertive.
You know ? Confident.
Like Paxman.
What is it with everyone
and Paxman ?
Just something about him.
He never backs down
when he knows he's right.
And you know he's packing heat.
Sean ?
Can I call you Ned ?
Fuck off.
No...
No, wait, Sean...
Sean...
Sean !
Sean !
Sean !
Oh, shit, I've written "Sean" now.
So, what's the name
of this dealer, anyway ?
Supplier.
He deals to the dealers.
His shit's so pure
they call him The Holy Man.
OK.
And what's the punishment, again,
if you're caught selling pills ?
Dunno about the police,
but when my mum caught me,
she made me eat all of them.
With her.
At Glastonbury.
You know,
I might just wait outside.
You know ?
Keep watch, in case there's a raid.
- You get your shit together !
- Yeah, sorry.
I am taking a big risk,
bringing you here, so just be cool.
Be cool.
Got it.
Hi, June.
We're here to see The Holy Man.
He's upstairs.
Chris !
Alison's here !
- All right...
- Hiya.
This is Sarah.
What up ?
So you were serious about a...
... menage a...
- Three.
- No.
Well, maybe.
Not now.
Nice turtle.
She's looking to score.
Yeah, OK.
It's...
... the only place
Mum won't look.
You not got any pills left ?
No, no, we finished them,
didn't we ? When we...
At that christening.
Wasted trip.
Want to smoke a spliff ?
Wait there.
Got to smoke it out the window
otherwise she'll disconnect
my Sky box.
So what's the deal with you two ?
Are you like... having sex ?
I wouldn't call it sex,
but fluids are exchanged.
If you did want to get some pills,
you could always find...
... the stash.
What's...
the stash ?
Back in the '90s,
there was a festival,
down in Cox's Meadow, called...
... Orbital.
No, wait, Orbital played there.
Festival was called...
The Chemical Brothers.
Anyway, right,
there was this bunch of dealers.
They wanted to knock out
their pills at the festival,
but they knew they'd never get them
past security.
So they formed a plan.
One week before the festival,
they went into the middle
of Cox's Meadow,
and buried
this fat stash of bangers,
right in the middle of the field.
The festival
was built up around them.
They bought their tickets.
Walked straight in.
Planned to dig them up
and sell them.
But they never dug them up.
Because they were murdered ?
No. Cos they were murdered !
What ?
Wait, no, that's what
you just said. No...
Got mangled on some old speed,
forgot they'd done it.
Rumour has it
they're still buried there...
... waiting.
So, let's talk Bird Zone.
Kent, I want to take you back,
but things at Bird Zone
are a bit different now.
You can't just smoke weed
in the staffroom any more.
- It's just like an outside only thing.
- No.
Since Carol's taken over
you're not allowed to be boxed.
What if you didn't see me
get stoned,
and I got deodorant and shit ?
I'd have to tell Carol.
What happened to you, man ?
You're just sucking corporate
dick now.
I want to vouch for you,
but after the Pelican thing...
- Jason, I didn't know it was acid.
- You did though, didn't you ?
You told everyone you were going
to do it and you filmed it.
Yeah, because it was fucking funny.
Yeah, it was funny !
So are you going to give me
them shifts ?
I'll have to speak to Carol
about it.
Fucking hell. Jason's turned
into a massive shaft.
- You're taking the job though, right ?
- Making him sweat.
Sarah wants a hand with them pills
anyway. What's all this ?
I'm resurrecting Neston's
premier pub quiz.
And I want all of you to come.
It is going to be insane.
The first letter of every bonus
answer spells out a secret word.
Star Wars ?
No.
Alison's not going to shag you
just because you're doing a pub quiz.
What ?
Where the hell
are you getting that from ?
So, you are not doing this
to be like Paxman ?
- You know she fancies Paxman ?
- No, that's gibberish.
So, you're just doing a pub quiz
for no reason ?
Yeah. No reason.
Are they new shoes ?
Might be.
- For no reason ?
- For no reason !
Come on, you silly sausage. Let's go
dig up some drugs from the past.
Can I just say ? Digging is shit.
Did the Holy Man give any detail ?
He just said
they were under a tree.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Yeah, I know, but it's obviously
this one.
- Bullshit.
- Just shut up and keep digging.
It's all right for you,
you've got a spade.
I've got this... dwarf
whatever that is.
If we swap spades,
will you stop bitching ?
- No, I'd rather keep bitching.
- Yeah, guys, it's nearly six.
It's time to wrap this up.
- Why ?
- Pub quiz.
You said you'd all come
and watch me be the quizmaster.
Yeah, I only said that
so you'd help with the digging.
Oh, thanks, sis.
Alison, you love a quiz, don't you ?
- I'll have to hurry you.
- Don't know.
- Is it any good ?
- Yes.
Come on, Kent, back me up, mate !
So, it's betrayal. You're just
a bunch of Lando Calrissians.
Oh, easy, mate.
I'm going to start walking
to the pub.
And you've got a choice.
You can follow me
or stay here on a fool's errand,
digging up
defunct bangers from the '90s.
Whatever you think
is the right thing to do.
You're never going to find them !
They look gnarly.
'90s pills, mate.
Suppose to be much stronger.
Some of them have got mould on them.
What kind of mould grows on Ecstasy ?
Fucking trippy mould, mate.
Guys, I'm not sure about this.
What if we kill someone ?
I don't think I could live with that
on my conscience.
Holy Man says you get over it.
- Well, I bet you're fucking chuffed.
- What ?
Well, you can't sell the pills, so
once again you can't go to India.
Come on, Kenty,
who's going to buy these ?
Mick the Druid ?
He probably would, actually.
- Came to your senses then ?
- Sorry, what ?
Oh, my fucking God, pub quiz !
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah, totally.
Fuck's sake, a pound in the pot.
Why ? You going to strip for us ?
Sorry.
Found them, then ?
Yeah, just working out
what to do with them.
Yeah, because your sister
is being a massive nerd about it.
Fuck off,
they're covered in mould.
You have no idea what
they're going to do to someone.
- Well, nothing.
- What ?
If there's mould, there's water,
which means the chemicals
will have leached out and rendered
the tablets totally inert.
- What are you saying ?
- Well, they've been there 20 years.
I mean, they're complex long
chain molecules.
They would have completely
denatured.
I mean, it's basic organic chemistry.
Wow, good knowledge.
Yeah, well...
I know a lot of facts, Alison.
Are you sure they won't work,
like, a little bit ?
Absolutely not.
- Watch.
- Mate, don't even do that.
Why, they're completely harmless.
- Right, that's enough now.
- He seems pretty confident.
I'll show you confidence.
Here we go.
Bosh. Bosh. Bosh.
- Stop taking Ecstasy !
- Shan't.
- Bosh.
- Mate, stop it.
You stop it !
Bosh.
Morph !
- Bosh !
- Jesus Christ.
Everyone calm down, yeah ?
They're not going to work.
I know the science.
I read it on the British
Pharmacological Society website.
And I'll prove it.
Morph, you're not holding
your phone.
I know.
It's Chalky.
That's a pint of coins, mate.
Got it.
OK, guys, welcome.
My name is Morpheus and I'll be your
quizmaster this evening.
Can I get a glass of water up here,
please ?
Now, I appreciate the spirit, but
can we keep the team names clean ?
As I do have to read them out.
We could just about get away
with "Quiz In My Pants",
but new name, please, for...
"My name's Morpheus
and I have a boner,
Especially When I Look
at Schoolkids."
That's better.
So, let's get started
with Round One.
Round One.
Sorry, my tongue is hot, hot.
Fuck it, Morph.
I'll just check my notes.
Jeremy Paxman !
Won't be needing those.
I do it from...
Which capital city
is Manchester United ?
Fucking hell.
The Great Wall of China
is at which wall ?
Answer the question, you...
China, China. Yeah.
What is my grandmother's
maiden name ?
Morpheus.
Morpheus.
Morpheus.
Morpheus.
Pull yourself together, lad.
I can't, Sean.
My head is broken.
Remember,
what would Paxman do ?
- Mate ?
- OK, this is a starter for 10.
Music Round.
Just a snippet.
Snippet. Music. Write it down.
No reason,
just seems so pleasing
Gonna make you, make you,
make you notice
Gonna use my arms
Gonna use my legs
Gonna use my style
Gonna use my sidestep
Gonna use my fingers...
Gonna take this off now.
Come on. Yeah. Oh, yeah.
What is happening ?
That's enough !
- Take it away !
- Oh, my God. It burns.
Where am I ? Where am I ?
Get in there now. Get in there.
You need to chunder right now.
No, Kent, I need to go out there
and tell the world how I feel.
I've never felt so in love.
Yeah, because you've had ten pills
from the '90s,
and tried wanking off
in front of a pub.
You're standing
in the way of love, mate.
I'm stopping you
making a prick of yourself.
Sarah's right about you.
You've never had my back,
have you ? I'm going out there.
No, drugs need purging.
Tactical chunder, come on !
Let the demons out !
- Snug.
- Throw up.
Never !
Go on, stare at the piss.
Let the piss do the work.
This is a beautiful moment, Kent.
- This is what I missed.
- Right.
I'm going in manually.
What the fuck are you doing ?
Bonding. I thought
that was what we were playing at.
What ?
Occupied !
Oh, sorry.
Oh, wait, Jason.
Did you talk to Carol ?
Yeah. She said
she'd put you on probation.
Probation ? That's bullshit.
She says you're unpredictable.
Where the fuck
did she get that from ?
I don't know.
There we go. Good boy.
Tell her I'll think about it.
There we go. OK.
Easy. Easy.
So glad you're back, mate.
- No India, then ?
- Nope.
I might just stay here,
pretend I'm a DJ.
Oh, I forgot
you used to wear bindis.
You kept that ?
Yeah, for a roach.
Morph ?
Fancy a hit ?
No.
I'm flying through space
at 1,000 miles an hour.
How about a blow back ?
Come on.
I'll put the spliff into my mouth,
we press lips,
and I gently blow the smoke
into yours.
I will do that.
WASTED
Season 1
End of episode 1
Season 1
Episode 1
So...
Nestonbury, we meet again.
STONED HENGE
You think the same freedom applies
to somebody who has an unendurable,
in their judgment, condition ?
Would you fuck Paxman ?
Repeatedly.
Really ?
I thought you liked cool guys
with tattoos.
- I do.
- Thank God.
But Paxman is another level.
The whole quizmaster vibe,
how he never backs down
when he knows he's right.
And you know he's packing heat.
That's why they give him such
a big desk.
You are a lover. Borrow Cupid's wings
and soar with them.
All right, dickheads.
Oh my God !
Kent effing Blackwell !
- All right, mate, lose the hard-on.
- Sorry.
- Alison.
- That's where my sunglasses went !
Nah. Caught these in Brizzle.
That's what we call Bristol, there.
Sarah.
- What ?
- OK.
Anyway, I'm moving back.
Right, so being a DJ
worked out, then ?
Yeah, totally fucking worked out.
So much
so you've come back home ?
Yeah.
A real live DJ living in Nestonbury.
I know, mate. Get used to it.
Come for the old room back.
Mate, you can stay
as long as you like.
He can, can he ?
It's my shop too !
Chill out, Alan Sugar.
I can pay the rent.
Soon as I get my job back
at Bird Zone.
Will they have you back, though ?
Didn't you give a pelican
some acid ?
Yeah.
Tried to fuck a buzzard.
Things are going to be
so epic now Kent's back.
- You are such a gimp for him.
- No.
He's my oldest friend
and he's always had my back.
Like that time he melted
all your Warhammer figures ?
- Yeah, to teach me how sad they were.
- Look, Kent's all right.
You're just being all Dawson's Creek
about it because you two...
Were fucking pissed
and it didn't mean anything.
OK...
- Any change, then ?
- From a tenner ?
That's fine.
So what have you chumps
been up to ?
Still coming here every night and
doing the pub quiz on a Thursday ?
No. The pub quiz was cancelled
because
a lot of the same questions
started coming up.
Mostly about Nazis.
Even the music round.
- And the picture round.
- And the...
Nazi round.
So, just kicking round
the shop, then ?
- Thought you were going to India ?
- I am.
I'm just saving up.
- Obviously doesn't want to go, then.
- Obviously.
Yeah, fucking do, actually.
Especially now you're back.
Well, to get my decks I sold pills.
Probably a bit hardcore for you,
though.
- Yeah, probably.
- No.
No, I'm well hardcore.
I'd sell pills.
I just don't know anyone
that could, like, hook me up.
I do.
Want me to text my dealer ?
- No, don't worry about it. It's cool.
- It's set.
Brilliant.
- Got to through with it now.
- Yeah.
- Sooner the better, mate.
- Whoa, come on, guys.
It's the first time we've all been
together in over a year.
We should celebrate that.
With a proper old-school
Neston big one.
Great night. Great night.
- Classic Neston.
- Standard.
Oh, come on, mate.
It's only fucking Bird Zone.
All right, Jason. Bye.
- Twat.
- Got your job back, then ?
They want me to come in
for an interview, which is bollocks,
cos I know for a fact that Danny's
got his GCSE mocks coming up,
so they definitely need cover.
Well, they'd be lucky to have you.
- Thanks, mate.
- All right, Morph.
A new needle's going in.
I say new, I got it off eBay,
so it might be a bit wonky.
OK. What ?
And it's going in your spine
so breathe in.
Alison, wait, can't...
Morpheus...
Morpheus...
Listen...
Morpheus !
Greetings, Morpheus.
Sean Bean !
No. Not actually Sean Bean.
I am your subconscious mind,
manifesting itself into the form
you trust the most.
Makes sense.
I am your spirit guide.
And I have a gift
from the spirit world.
Really ?
Come closer.
Don't be shy.
Come closer.
What was that ?
A wake-up call, lad.
You've been a right donkey
about this Alison lass.
Don't... Don't have feelings
for Alison.
So you've never dreamed
about taking her
to the top of the Empire State building
on Valentine's Day,
waiting till everyone's gone
and then losing your virginity
up against
the 10 pence telescope ?
Hey, I lost my virginity
when I was 15.
You can't lie to me, lad.
I'm in your head, Morpheus.
Yeah, well, you weren't there then,
because I was on my French exchange.
Look, I think we've got off
on the wrong foot.
Take a stump.
This tattoo you're getting,
what's it even of ?
It's a 1:5000 scale map
of the land of Westeros.
- Why you getting that ?
- Because I like Game Of Thrones.
Obvs.
You're pussyfooting around.
If you want a shot with this Alison
you've got to be more assertive.
You know ? Confident.
Like Paxman.
What is it with everyone
and Paxman ?
Just something about him.
He never backs down
when he knows he's right.
And you know he's packing heat.
Sean ?
Can I call you Ned ?
Fuck off.
No...
No, wait, Sean...
Sean...
Sean !
Sean !
Sean !
Oh, shit, I've written "Sean" now.
So, what's the name
of this dealer, anyway ?
Supplier.
He deals to the dealers.
His shit's so pure
they call him The Holy Man.
OK.
And what's the punishment, again,
if you're caught selling pills ?
Dunno about the police,
but when my mum caught me,
she made me eat all of them.
With her.
At Glastonbury.
You know,
I might just wait outside.
You know ?
Keep watch, in case there's a raid.
- You get your shit together !
- Yeah, sorry.
I am taking a big risk,
bringing you here, so just be cool.
Be cool.
Got it.
Hi, June.
We're here to see The Holy Man.
He's upstairs.
Chris !
Alison's here !
- All right...
- Hiya.
This is Sarah.
What up ?
So you were serious about a...
... menage a...
- Three.
- No.
Well, maybe.
Not now.
Nice turtle.
She's looking to score.
Yeah, OK.
It's...
... the only place
Mum won't look.
You not got any pills left ?
No, no, we finished them,
didn't we ? When we...
At that christening.
Wasted trip.
Want to smoke a spliff ?
Wait there.
Got to smoke it out the window
otherwise she'll disconnect
my Sky box.
So what's the deal with you two ?
Are you like... having sex ?
I wouldn't call it sex,
but fluids are exchanged.
If you did want to get some pills,
you could always find...
... the stash.
What's...
the stash ?
Back in the '90s,
there was a festival,
down in Cox's Meadow, called...
... Orbital.
No, wait, Orbital played there.
Festival was called...
The Chemical Brothers.
Anyway, right,
there was this bunch of dealers.
They wanted to knock out
their pills at the festival,
but they knew they'd never get them
past security.
So they formed a plan.
One week before the festival,
they went into the middle
of Cox's Meadow,
and buried
this fat stash of bangers,
right in the middle of the field.
The festival
was built up around them.
They bought their tickets.
Walked straight in.
Planned to dig them up
and sell them.
But they never dug them up.
Because they were murdered ?
No. Cos they were murdered !
What ?
Wait, no, that's what
you just said. No...
Got mangled on some old speed,
forgot they'd done it.
Rumour has it
they're still buried there...
... waiting.
So, let's talk Bird Zone.
Kent, I want to take you back,
but things at Bird Zone
are a bit different now.
You can't just smoke weed
in the staffroom any more.
- It's just like an outside only thing.
- No.
Since Carol's taken over
you're not allowed to be boxed.
What if you didn't see me
get stoned,
and I got deodorant and shit ?
I'd have to tell Carol.
What happened to you, man ?
You're just sucking corporate
dick now.
I want to vouch for you,
but after the Pelican thing...
- Jason, I didn't know it was acid.
- You did though, didn't you ?
You told everyone you were going
to do it and you filmed it.
Yeah, because it was fucking funny.
Yeah, it was funny !
So are you going to give me
them shifts ?
I'll have to speak to Carol
about it.
Fucking hell. Jason's turned
into a massive shaft.
- You're taking the job though, right ?
- Making him sweat.
Sarah wants a hand with them pills
anyway. What's all this ?
I'm resurrecting Neston's
premier pub quiz.
And I want all of you to come.
It is going to be insane.
The first letter of every bonus
answer spells out a secret word.
Star Wars ?
No.
Alison's not going to shag you
just because you're doing a pub quiz.
What ?
Where the hell
are you getting that from ?
So, you are not doing this
to be like Paxman ?
- You know she fancies Paxman ?
- No, that's gibberish.
So, you're just doing a pub quiz
for no reason ?
Yeah. No reason.
Are they new shoes ?
Might be.
- For no reason ?
- For no reason !
Come on, you silly sausage. Let's go
dig up some drugs from the past.
Can I just say ? Digging is shit.
Did the Holy Man give any detail ?
He just said
they were under a tree.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Yeah, I know, but it's obviously
this one.
- Bullshit.
- Just shut up and keep digging.
It's all right for you,
you've got a spade.
I've got this... dwarf
whatever that is.
If we swap spades,
will you stop bitching ?
- No, I'd rather keep bitching.
- Yeah, guys, it's nearly six.
It's time to wrap this up.
- Why ?
- Pub quiz.
You said you'd all come
and watch me be the quizmaster.
Yeah, I only said that
so you'd help with the digging.
Oh, thanks, sis.
Alison, you love a quiz, don't you ?
- I'll have to hurry you.
- Don't know.
- Is it any good ?
- Yes.
Come on, Kent, back me up, mate !
So, it's betrayal. You're just
a bunch of Lando Calrissians.
Oh, easy, mate.
I'm going to start walking
to the pub.
And you've got a choice.
You can follow me
or stay here on a fool's errand,
digging up
defunct bangers from the '90s.
Whatever you think
is the right thing to do.
You're never going to find them !
They look gnarly.
'90s pills, mate.
Suppose to be much stronger.
Some of them have got mould on them.
What kind of mould grows on Ecstasy ?
Fucking trippy mould, mate.
Guys, I'm not sure about this.
What if we kill someone ?
I don't think I could live with that
on my conscience.
Holy Man says you get over it.
- Well, I bet you're fucking chuffed.
- What ?
Well, you can't sell the pills, so
once again you can't go to India.
Come on, Kenty,
who's going to buy these ?
Mick the Druid ?
He probably would, actually.
- Came to your senses then ?
- Sorry, what ?
Oh, my fucking God, pub quiz !
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah, totally.
Fuck's sake, a pound in the pot.
Why ? You going to strip for us ?
Sorry.
Found them, then ?
Yeah, just working out
what to do with them.
Yeah, because your sister
is being a massive nerd about it.
Fuck off,
they're covered in mould.
You have no idea what
they're going to do to someone.
- Well, nothing.
- What ?
If there's mould, there's water,
which means the chemicals
will have leached out and rendered
the tablets totally inert.
- What are you saying ?
- Well, they've been there 20 years.
I mean, they're complex long
chain molecules.
They would have completely
denatured.
I mean, it's basic organic chemistry.
Wow, good knowledge.
Yeah, well...
I know a lot of facts, Alison.
Are you sure they won't work,
like, a little bit ?
Absolutely not.
- Watch.
- Mate, don't even do that.
Why, they're completely harmless.
- Right, that's enough now.
- He seems pretty confident.
I'll show you confidence.
Here we go.
Bosh. Bosh. Bosh.
- Stop taking Ecstasy !
- Shan't.
- Bosh.
- Mate, stop it.
You stop it !
Bosh.
Morph !
- Bosh !
- Jesus Christ.
Everyone calm down, yeah ?
They're not going to work.
I know the science.
I read it on the British
Pharmacological Society website.
And I'll prove it.
Morph, you're not holding
your phone.
I know.
It's Chalky.
That's a pint of coins, mate.
Got it.
OK, guys, welcome.
My name is Morpheus and I'll be your
quizmaster this evening.
Can I get a glass of water up here,
please ?
Now, I appreciate the spirit, but
can we keep the team names clean ?
As I do have to read them out.
We could just about get away
with "Quiz In My Pants",
but new name, please, for...
"My name's Morpheus
and I have a boner,
Especially When I Look
at Schoolkids."
That's better.
So, let's get started
with Round One.
Round One.
Sorry, my tongue is hot, hot.
Fuck it, Morph.
I'll just check my notes.
Jeremy Paxman !
Won't be needing those.
I do it from...
Which capital city
is Manchester United ?
Fucking hell.
The Great Wall of China
is at which wall ?
Answer the question, you...
China, China. Yeah.
What is my grandmother's
maiden name ?
Morpheus.
Morpheus.
Morpheus.
Morpheus.
Pull yourself together, lad.
I can't, Sean.
My head is broken.
Remember,
what would Paxman do ?
- Mate ?
- OK, this is a starter for 10.
Music Round.
Just a snippet.
Snippet. Music. Write it down.
No reason,
just seems so pleasing
Gonna make you, make you,
make you notice
Gonna use my arms
Gonna use my legs
Gonna use my style
Gonna use my sidestep
Gonna use my fingers...
Gonna take this off now.
Come on. Yeah. Oh, yeah.
What is happening ?
That's enough !
- Take it away !
- Oh, my God. It burns.
Where am I ? Where am I ?
Get in there now. Get in there.
You need to chunder right now.
No, Kent, I need to go out there
and tell the world how I feel.
I've never felt so in love.
Yeah, because you've had ten pills
from the '90s,
and tried wanking off
in front of a pub.
You're standing
in the way of love, mate.
I'm stopping you
making a prick of yourself.
Sarah's right about you.
You've never had my back,
have you ? I'm going out there.
No, drugs need purging.
Tactical chunder, come on !
Let the demons out !
- Snug.
- Throw up.
Never !
Go on, stare at the piss.
Let the piss do the work.
This is a beautiful moment, Kent.
- This is what I missed.
- Right.
I'm going in manually.
What the fuck are you doing ?
Bonding. I thought
that was what we were playing at.
What ?
Occupied !
Oh, sorry.
Oh, wait, Jason.
Did you talk to Carol ?
Yeah. She said
she'd put you on probation.
Probation ? That's bullshit.
She says you're unpredictable.
Where the fuck
did she get that from ?
I don't know.
There we go. Good boy.
Tell her I'll think about it.
There we go. OK.
Easy. Easy.
So glad you're back, mate.
- No India, then ?
- Nope.
I might just stay here,
pretend I'm a DJ.
Oh, I forgot
you used to wear bindis.
You kept that ?
Yeah, for a roach.
Morph ?
Fancy a hit ?
No.
I'm flying through space
at 1,000 miles an hour.
How about a blow back ?
Come on.
I'll put the spliff into my mouth,
we press lips,
and I gently blow the smoke
into yours.
I will do that.
WASTED
Season 1
End of episode 1