Warehouse 13 (2009–2014): Season 5, Episode 4 - Savage Seduction - full transcript
Pete, Myka, and Artie help Kelly Hernandez (Pete's ex-girlfriend) save her grandmother who is trapped inside a Telenovela, and in the process "fall in" and become characters of this Latino Soap Opera themselves. Meanwhile, Claudia and Steve investigate a strange accident at a university that leads them to discover an artifact that literally duplicates its users.
Previously on Warehouse 13...
I love you, little sister,
and I am counting on
you to fix all of this.
You love me, and I love you. It's simple.
It's just that your life
is filled with excitement
and danger,
and it's all the things that I don't want.
Good-bye, Pete.
"But who was this woman,
and why did she..."
Hey, hey, what? What, what, what, what?
What, are you writing a book?
No. Yes.
No, which answer will make you stop asking?
No, no, I think it's
cool. When did you start?
Off and on about a year ago.
You're on page six.
More off than on.
Hello, hello?
Ugh, come on, Artie, I just sat down.
Thank God you're here.
Relax, I'm not here for you.
Steve, Steve, Steve!
What, what, are you okay? What's wrong?
There's a ping for you and Claudia.
That's why you're yelling
like your hair's on fire?
Whoa, so what, are you benching us or...
Why is that ping not for us? Yeah.
I'm worried about Claudia.
She's locked up for two
days in the warehouse.
She's researching her sister Claire.
It's not healthy.
- So you're trying to distract her.
- Yeah, because...
Shush you! Look, there's a ping.
There's trouble. There's artifacts. Go.
Go, go, go.
Ooh, is that a hoagie?
Oh, I want a hoagie.
He'll get nothing and like it.
- Hello, Pete?
- Kelly.
Wha... hey.
I'm sorry to burst in like
this, but I'm in trouble.
Oh, my God.
Are you... are we... am I...
but we were... oh, my God.
You know what, I'm going
to leave you two alone.
Myka please, stay.
Pete, relax, this isn't about the baby.
It's not yours. I'm married.
Besides we broke up, like, two years ago.
You do know how babies are made, right?
Pete, exhale.
Thank you.
That's... wow, that's great.
Congrats.
Listen, I actually need both your help.
My grandmother's TV is possessed.
Well, if I can't temper her outbursts,
maybe I should focus on her telekinesis.
Claude.
I could recreate the music
box song and do a brain scan...
Claude.
But then she'd have to be awake
and could blow up the building.
- Claude!
- Ahh! Jeez.
Don't sneak up on me like that.
I've been standing here.
Well, stand louder.
You're tense.
How's it going?
I want to punch things.
Okay, you need a break. We got a ping.
What? No. No, no, no, no. No.
I have so much work to do.
I'm on the verge of a major
breakthrough here, so...
Oh, really? What, uh... what is that?
Well, it's... you know.
I can... I can circumvent...
Oh, God, I hate being friends with you.
"Charlie Battes, college student.
While giving a presentation in class,
his spine spontaneously
broke in three places."
Did Artie send you?
No, I saw it on CNN. Yes, Artie sent me.
Fine, I'll go, errand boy.
But this better be snappy.
Oh, yeah, man, I love books.
I'm a big fan of books.
As a matter of fact, I got a
lot of great ideas for your book.
Now, I'm guessing it's kind of
a spy romance novel with a Sci-Fi bent.
Well, do you think we could
get some robots in there?
Yeah, Pete, definitely. You
know, naked, sexy fembots.
Kelly, thank God, just please distract him.
So my Nana's been homebound
ever since my grandpa died.
Right, and you said that was two years ago?
Yes, I usually come twice
a week to bring her food,
magazines, and usually
she's in there watching TV,
but this morning, I just found this.
Ooh, and this is what
was on when you found it?
Yes.
It's my Nana's favorite telenovela,
Seducci?n Salvaje, "Savage Seduction."
But it was cancelled. It ended last night.
Right, not to mention...
I unplugged it when
nothing else turned it off,
and as you can see, it didn't work.
Where is your Nana now?
I don't know. I called everybody.
I called the police, but they
told me I had to wait 24 hours.
I can't.
I just know there's something wrong.
- Guys...
- Yeah?
Is that her?
Oh, my God, Nana?
Okay, wait a minute.
Are you telling me my Nana's
trapped inside a telenovela?
Apparently.
Now, on the upside,
it looks like she's got a pretty good part.
She's playing the part
of Dona Fausta Obregon,
the wise matriarch of the Obregon dynasty.
Is this TV new?
No, she got it over a year ago.
And you said that the telenovela ended?
Yes, I mean, my Nana was
actually pretty upset about it.
You say that it was cancelled,
ant's still on TV.
Nothing. This is the series finale.
This is where Dona Fausta gets murdered.
Oh, my God, does that mean my grandma's...
- Wait, wait, wait.
- No, no, no.
Just don't get too close...
No, Senor Cat!
Or that might happen.
Mr. Gato.
Now at least we know how
she got in there, right?
Right.
Now, okay, Kelly, your grandmother,
has she bought anything strange or old
or kind of maybe an antique?
No, I don't know.
Maybe. I'll go upstairs and check.
Um, Kelly, listen,
everything's going to be okay.
I'm so glad you're here.
What?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, no, I'm not talking about that.
Myka, please, she's married,
she's got a belly out to here.
Look, it's none of my business.
I don't know, can we just
please go find some artifacts?
We're going to find the artifacts.
And here we are.
I love this car.
Could you say that more often?
Because once every two
minutes just isn't enough.
No, seriously, how many cars
tell you where the campus is,
where the best parking spot is?
It even tells me which building we want.
Ah, but can it give me a good reason
to actually go to college?
Kind of just seems like a
waste of four years to me.
An education, a job, a career.
Got it, got it, and got it,
and I didn't go to college.
I'm also not in debt
for the rest of my life.
Hey, I'll be paid up
in the next five years.
Oh, in that case, sign me up.
Yes, you can do an expose
on Bill Clinton if you want,
but I'd say you're late to the party, okay?
Professor Moulton.
Yes. Oh, Agent Jinks, I presume.
Thanks for meeting with us.
This is my partner, Agent Donovan.
- Nice to meet you.
- Professor.
Now, the hospital didn't
have a medical explanation
for what happened to
Charlie, and we were hoping
that you could fill us in.
Honestly, I don't have
an explanation either.
Mr. Battes was giving a presentation
on Gonzo journalism.
About five minutes into it, this shadow,
is the only word to describe it,
came flying in and slammed
Charlie against the wall,
and then it was gone.
Strangest thing I ever saw.
Always is.
And such a shame.
He was a bit of a slacker,
but this report was impressive,
insightful, even.
Couldn't have been that insightful.
The hospital said he had alcohol poisoning.
Impossible. I've had inebriated students.
Mr. Battes was stone-cold sober.
If you'll excuse me.
Well, yeah, but then senor
cat got too close and pzam!
Now he's on daytime TV.
The TV could be a conduit
or a portal for the artifact.
Okay, but none of granny's tchotchkes
are making any sparks.
The artifact could be in there with her.
Uh-oh.
Pete...
Abuela, no!
Kelly, don't!
Abuelita, estas bien?
Holy poltergeist.
What? What was that light?
This house is not clean.
What? Speak English!
Artie...
Things just got cray-cray.
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- Hello, Pete?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm in here.
What's happening?
Well, I don't speak Spanish,
but Myka's a super hot
maid who hates Kelly,
and their waiting for this guy, Armando,
who I'm hoping doesn't show up
'cause I really want to
see these two make out.
I meant with the artifact.
Oh, right, um, there's
nothing in the house,
but grandma got this in the mail yesterday
from the telenovela people.
- What does it say?
- I don't know. It's in Spanish.
Give me that. I happen to read Spanish.
Dear Mrs. Hernandez, blah, blah, blah...
Really, blah, blah, blah?
What, is that Spanish
for "blah, blah, blah"?
"For being such a huge fan,
please accept this Obregon brooch
that Dona Fausta wore in the show."
A brooch, as in a fancy pin?
A brooch, as in... that.
Ooh, bling ping.
Okay, dudes, this is Charlie's room.
Ugh, another temple of higher learning.
Ugh, kids today.
Kids today are your age.
Then they should have better taste.
So, Dan, would you say
that Charlie was a studier or a partier?
Yeah, definitely.
Dude, he wants to study and
party, obviously, like everyone.
So when was the last time you saw him?
This morning.
I don't know, around 6:30?
Oh, right before Moulton's class?
I don't know how he got there.
Charlie partied hearty all night,
I mean, I bailed at sunrise,
he was still barfing off
the side of the bridge.
Moulton said he was sober and
insightful half an hour later.
Dude, try barely walking.
Okay, but how does a cheap TV prop
become an artifact?
Probably was just a cheap TV prop
until Kelly's grandmother got it.
Elderly shut-in, lost her husband.
Sometimes people fill a void
with an obsessive attachment to a TV show.
Hey, I watch "Breaking Amish"
because I like it, okay?
I can quit anytime.
When her telenovela was cancelled,
maybe the brooch was imbued
with her longing to escape.
Yeah, but if she can make a
new artifact out of something
we know nothing about,
then how do we stop it?
By getting in there and neutralizing it
before the episode ends and Hortencia dies.
Yeah, but, Artie, then we could end up
just like Myka and Kelly.
I mean, they're not just
playing Maribel and Carmen,
they are Maribel and Carmen.
These cufflinks, they once belonged
to Harvey Korman from
the Carol Burnett show.
He was famous for never being
able to stay in character.
As long as you and I
each hold one of these,
we will stay ourselves.
You ready?
Sure.
Oh, hey, Artie?
Next week can we go meet honey boo boo?
- Shut up and get in the TV.
- Okay.
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Congrats.
Your Prius found their
off-campus study group.
This glass is on top of the dust.
This window must have
been shattered recently,
maybe this morning.
Well, Dan said Charlie was up there.
Oh, you think he fell from the bridge?
Yeah...
Oh, hey.
Look at this.
Higher education at work.
Oh, our guy was a videographer.
Hey, Charlie, careful.
PPZ rules! Whoo!
Mihi ardeat lucerna!
That had to hurt.
Claude, the way that he hit,
that fits the impact that
Professor Moulton described
when Charlie slammed into the wall.
It also explains his broken back.
I mean, the goober's
lucky he's still alive.
This video was taken at 7:14 A.M.
That's right in the middle
of Charlie's presentation.
So he was in two places at once?
Let's play that again, Sam.
Mihi ardeat lucerna!
That's Latin. It means "my candle burns."
Why would a college kid yell that?
PPZ, that could be Psi Phi Zeta,
and the Latin, that could
be a fraternity motto.
Nice work, Jinksy.
Wait, were you in a frat?
Oh, my God, you were in a frat.
I bet you were just like hoover.
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Armando!
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Kelly...
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Ay!
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Wha... wha... wha... uh...
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I ain't never met Charlie.
So he isn't a pledge here.
I don't think so.
Why are you lying to us, biff?
It's Bryce, and I'm not.
Uh-huh, and what about this?
Mihi ardeat lucerna!
That's your frat motto, I believe.
Whatever, just 'cause he knows our motto
doesn't mean he's pledging.
So you don't mind if we
have a look around, then?
It depends what you're looking for.
Hey, pretty lady, what's up?
Ox, damn it, Ox, get back downstairs.
Look, my dad runs the
biggest law firm in Minnesota.
I know my rights. Get a warrant.
Nice guy.
Yep, college sure is impressive.
Claude, look, isn't that Ox?
Yeah, Ox just went back downstairs.
I want to see what's down there.
Come on.
Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug,
chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!
Methinks these frat losers
have a duplication artifact.
Splits you in two.
A you that parties hard,
and a you that works hard.
Chug, chug, chug, chug,
chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!
Oh, dude, I think I'm gonna puke.
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Dona Fausta!
Dona...
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Oh... Uh...
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Caramba.
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Okay, we blend in, we hit the
basement, we bag the artifact.
That's a great plan, except that
Bryce will recognize our faces.
Oh, don't worry, he won't
be looking at our faces.
Nice work, ladies, take five.
All right, frat boy, what kind
of heathen initiation ritual
am I about to walk into here?
I don't know. My frat wasn't like this.
We had book club and yuletide a cappella.
Please forget that I said that.
Oh, my God. It just gets better.
- I say we follow him.
- Oh, yeah.
Don't start without me!
Mihi ardeat lucerna, mihi ardeat...
Okay, they're not doing
yuletide a cappella.
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Aye-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi.
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So can your twin peaks get us in there?
These are only one of my many superpowers.
Wait, guys, wait.
Watch this.
Oh, my God.
I am so drunk. You got help me.
You're up, Plebe.
Mihi ardeat lucerna.
Mihi ardeat lucerna.
Mihi...
My candle burns at both ends.
It will not last the night.
But all my foes and all my friends...
It gives a lovely light.
Psi Phi Zeta burn.
Psi Phi Zeta bright.
Psi Phi Zeta learn.
Psi Phi Zeta all night.
Hey, what the hell is that, man?
You again.
Bryce, you have no idea
how dangerous that is.
You got to give me that candle.
This guy's an ATF agent.
Steve, what happened?
Did you get the artifact?
Was that you screaming?
Oh, honey, I didn't scream.
It was that silly bitch.
Oh, grow up.
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- No, no, no, no, no, no.
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Ole!
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Ay!
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Two Steves, can I just
say this is amaze balls?
Actually it's not.
A dangerous artifact is bad enough,
but this... this is
rampant underage drinking.
Oh, boo hoo, Nancy Drew.
We should call the police.
Unbunch your panties, will you?
I mean, check out our
bestie, the girls are out,
and they are looking fabulous.
It's a party.
You need to relax your kegel
and drown me in a daiquiri,
you insufferable bitch!
We need to find this artifact
first before you kill me,
you irresponsible slut!
Steves, mm, loving you
both, you a little bit more,
but let's just split
up and find Bryce, okay?
First one to zap a frat
boy gets to keep him.
Oh, man!
Actually, this is my badge. Where's Bryce?
Do your parents know that you're here?
Bryce. Look at my lips.
Bryce. I'm looking for Bryce.
Do you know him?
Hey, let me see your driver's license.
My eyes are up here. Bryce.
Plucked brow, clean back of the neck,
flawless cuticles, you're gay.
No, I'm not.
You're lying.
Bryce.
Hey, Bryce!
Steves.
Come on, you silly twit.
Oh! Can a girl get a hand?
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Aye-yi-yi.
Ay.
No, no... ay!
Ole!
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- Ay! Myka!
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Grr. I love it when I'm butch.
No, no, wait. Listen, I'm innocent.
I didn't do it.
Do what, biff, use an artifact
to duplicate your frat brothers?
Is that a candle in your pocket,
or are you just really into twins?
Tell me about the candle, Bryce.
Okay, it belonged to Edna
St. Vincent Millay, all right?
Of course. "My candle burns at both ends."
It will not last the night."
O.M.G. What rhymes with "bore me"?
Please don't call my dad.
- Okay, let's finish this.
- Oh, no, no.
I'm just getting started.
Damn it, your evil twin
sister's got the candle.
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Ole!
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Ay!
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Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!
Enough.
Give me the artifact.
Come and get it, lady poopy pants.
Twin fight! Twin fight! Twin fight!
You are a prude and a nag.
You're a self-obsessed slut.
You are the worst gay guy ever.
Ow!
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Ole!
Ay!
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Twin fight! Twin fight! Twin fight!
You're gonna die a lonely old hag.
Well, that's better than
a whore in the gutter.
Well, it sounds good to me.
No way, secret agent girl.
I would have done well in school.
Oh, curses. How do I fix this?
Ugh, okay, think, think,
think. How did it stop before?
Charlie fell off the
building, Ox just passed out.
Uh...
Twin fight! Twin fight! Twin fight!
Hey, Steve.
Claudia?
Doll face, W.T.F.?
Sorry, sweetie, you were really fun.
See you around sometime.
Look out, look out!
- Are you okay?
- I think I'm gonna throw up.
Oh, not on these shoes. Okay.
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Ole!
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- Dona Fausta!
- No!
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- Eh?
- Ay!
So any residual effects?
Besides the bruises, the hangover,
and your relentless nagging me
to call everyone I see a "biatch"?
- Say it again! Say it again!
- No, stop that.
Well, on the upside, I
think I've come up with,
like, ten new things to try on Claire next,
so... wait for it... you were right.
Fixing her is going to be a marathon.
I needed a break, and
I need to pace myself.
Oh, and, Steve, I will never
let you die a lonely, old hag.
Thanks, biatch.
Oh, Shante, you stay.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Artie took off.
- Okay.
That was weird, right?
Weird artifact weirdness.
Let's never talk about it again.
Talk about what?
You know, I'm just gonna
wait for you outside.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Hey.
- Hey.
So how's abuelita?
Oh, she'll be fine.
I'm going to spend a
couple of days with her
to make sure she's okay.
But she's already crazy
about a new telenovela, burning love.
No...
Ah, well, she's lucky to have you.
I'm lucky I knew you.
- Right. Here we go.
- Well, it was great seeing you.
- Enough weirdness for one day.
- Yeah.
Thanks for everything, and,
you know, seriously, good luck,
Pete, please. We both know
it wouldn't have worked.
Why do you say that?
Because you're in love with Myka.
Pete, let's go.
What have you done? I
thought this was settled.
What did you do?
Calm down. What are you talking about?
You know what I'm talking about.
- What did you do with Claire?
- Nothing.
Why, what happened? Where's Claire?
She's gone. Someone took her.
I love you, little sister,
and I am counting on
you to fix all of this.
You love me, and I love you. It's simple.
It's just that your life
is filled with excitement
and danger,
and it's all the things that I don't want.
Good-bye, Pete.
"But who was this woman,
and why did she..."
Hey, hey, what? What, what, what, what?
What, are you writing a book?
No. Yes.
No, which answer will make you stop asking?
No, no, I think it's
cool. When did you start?
Off and on about a year ago.
You're on page six.
More off than on.
Hello, hello?
Ugh, come on, Artie, I just sat down.
Thank God you're here.
Relax, I'm not here for you.
Steve, Steve, Steve!
What, what, are you okay? What's wrong?
There's a ping for you and Claudia.
That's why you're yelling
like your hair's on fire?
Whoa, so what, are you benching us or...
Why is that ping not for us? Yeah.
I'm worried about Claudia.
She's locked up for two
days in the warehouse.
She's researching her sister Claire.
It's not healthy.
- So you're trying to distract her.
- Yeah, because...
Shush you! Look, there's a ping.
There's trouble. There's artifacts. Go.
Go, go, go.
Ooh, is that a hoagie?
Oh, I want a hoagie.
He'll get nothing and like it.
- Hello, Pete?
- Kelly.
Wha... hey.
I'm sorry to burst in like
this, but I'm in trouble.
Oh, my God.
Are you... are we... am I...
but we were... oh, my God.
You know what, I'm going
to leave you two alone.
Myka please, stay.
Pete, relax, this isn't about the baby.
It's not yours. I'm married.
Besides we broke up, like, two years ago.
You do know how babies are made, right?
Pete, exhale.
Thank you.
That's... wow, that's great.
Congrats.
Listen, I actually need both your help.
My grandmother's TV is possessed.
Well, if I can't temper her outbursts,
maybe I should focus on her telekinesis.
Claude.
I could recreate the music
box song and do a brain scan...
Claude.
But then she'd have to be awake
and could blow up the building.
- Claude!
- Ahh! Jeez.
Don't sneak up on me like that.
I've been standing here.
Well, stand louder.
You're tense.
How's it going?
I want to punch things.
Okay, you need a break. We got a ping.
What? No. No, no, no, no. No.
I have so much work to do.
I'm on the verge of a major
breakthrough here, so...
Oh, really? What, uh... what is that?
Well, it's... you know.
I can... I can circumvent...
Oh, God, I hate being friends with you.
"Charlie Battes, college student.
While giving a presentation in class,
his spine spontaneously
broke in three places."
Did Artie send you?
No, I saw it on CNN. Yes, Artie sent me.
Fine, I'll go, errand boy.
But this better be snappy.
Oh, yeah, man, I love books.
I'm a big fan of books.
As a matter of fact, I got a
lot of great ideas for your book.
Now, I'm guessing it's kind of
a spy romance novel with a Sci-Fi bent.
Well, do you think we could
get some robots in there?
Yeah, Pete, definitely. You
know, naked, sexy fembots.
Kelly, thank God, just please distract him.
So my Nana's been homebound
ever since my grandpa died.
Right, and you said that was two years ago?
Yes, I usually come twice
a week to bring her food,
magazines, and usually
she's in there watching TV,
but this morning, I just found this.
Ooh, and this is what
was on when you found it?
Yes.
It's my Nana's favorite telenovela,
Seducci?n Salvaje, "Savage Seduction."
But it was cancelled. It ended last night.
Right, not to mention...
I unplugged it when
nothing else turned it off,
and as you can see, it didn't work.
Where is your Nana now?
I don't know. I called everybody.
I called the police, but they
told me I had to wait 24 hours.
I can't.
I just know there's something wrong.
- Guys...
- Yeah?
Is that her?
Oh, my God, Nana?
Okay, wait a minute.
Are you telling me my Nana's
trapped inside a telenovela?
Apparently.
Now, on the upside,
it looks like she's got a pretty good part.
She's playing the part
of Dona Fausta Obregon,
the wise matriarch of the Obregon dynasty.
Is this TV new?
No, she got it over a year ago.
And you said that the telenovela ended?
Yes, I mean, my Nana was
actually pretty upset about it.
You say that it was cancelled,
ant's still on TV.
Nothing. This is the series finale.
This is where Dona Fausta gets murdered.
Oh, my God, does that mean my grandma's...
- Wait, wait, wait.
- No, no, no.
Just don't get too close...
No, Senor Cat!
Or that might happen.
Mr. Gato.
Now at least we know how
she got in there, right?
Right.
Now, okay, Kelly, your grandmother,
has she bought anything strange or old
or kind of maybe an antique?
No, I don't know.
Maybe. I'll go upstairs and check.
Um, Kelly, listen,
everything's going to be okay.
I'm so glad you're here.
What?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, no, I'm not talking about that.
Myka, please, she's married,
she's got a belly out to here.
Look, it's none of my business.
I don't know, can we just
please go find some artifacts?
We're going to find the artifacts.
And here we are.
I love this car.
Could you say that more often?
Because once every two
minutes just isn't enough.
No, seriously, how many cars
tell you where the campus is,
where the best parking spot is?
It even tells me which building we want.
Ah, but can it give me a good reason
to actually go to college?
Kind of just seems like a
waste of four years to me.
An education, a job, a career.
Got it, got it, and got it,
and I didn't go to college.
I'm also not in debt
for the rest of my life.
Hey, I'll be paid up
in the next five years.
Oh, in that case, sign me up.
Yes, you can do an expose
on Bill Clinton if you want,
but I'd say you're late to the party, okay?
Professor Moulton.
Yes. Oh, Agent Jinks, I presume.
Thanks for meeting with us.
This is my partner, Agent Donovan.
- Nice to meet you.
- Professor.
Now, the hospital didn't
have a medical explanation
for what happened to
Charlie, and we were hoping
that you could fill us in.
Honestly, I don't have
an explanation either.
Mr. Battes was giving a presentation
on Gonzo journalism.
About five minutes into it, this shadow,
is the only word to describe it,
came flying in and slammed
Charlie against the wall,
and then it was gone.
Strangest thing I ever saw.
Always is.
And such a shame.
He was a bit of a slacker,
but this report was impressive,
insightful, even.
Couldn't have been that insightful.
The hospital said he had alcohol poisoning.
Impossible. I've had inebriated students.
Mr. Battes was stone-cold sober.
If you'll excuse me.
Well, yeah, but then senor
cat got too close and pzam!
Now he's on daytime TV.
The TV could be a conduit
or a portal for the artifact.
Okay, but none of granny's tchotchkes
are making any sparks.
The artifact could be in there with her.
Uh-oh.
Pete...
Abuela, no!
Kelly, don't!
Abuelita, estas bien?
Holy poltergeist.
What? What was that light?
This house is not clean.
What? Speak English!
Artie...
Things just got cray-cray.
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- Hello, Pete?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm in here.
What's happening?
Well, I don't speak Spanish,
but Myka's a super hot
maid who hates Kelly,
and their waiting for this guy, Armando,
who I'm hoping doesn't show up
'cause I really want to
see these two make out.
I meant with the artifact.
Oh, right, um, there's
nothing in the house,
but grandma got this in the mail yesterday
from the telenovela people.
- What does it say?
- I don't know. It's in Spanish.
Give me that. I happen to read Spanish.
Dear Mrs. Hernandez, blah, blah, blah...
Really, blah, blah, blah?
What, is that Spanish
for "blah, blah, blah"?
"For being such a huge fan,
please accept this Obregon brooch
that Dona Fausta wore in the show."
A brooch, as in a fancy pin?
A brooch, as in... that.
Ooh, bling ping.
Okay, dudes, this is Charlie's room.
Ugh, another temple of higher learning.
Ugh, kids today.
Kids today are your age.
Then they should have better taste.
So, Dan, would you say
that Charlie was a studier or a partier?
Yeah, definitely.
Dude, he wants to study and
party, obviously, like everyone.
So when was the last time you saw him?
This morning.
I don't know, around 6:30?
Oh, right before Moulton's class?
I don't know how he got there.
Charlie partied hearty all night,
I mean, I bailed at sunrise,
he was still barfing off
the side of the bridge.
Moulton said he was sober and
insightful half an hour later.
Dude, try barely walking.
Okay, but how does a cheap TV prop
become an artifact?
Probably was just a cheap TV prop
until Kelly's grandmother got it.
Elderly shut-in, lost her husband.
Sometimes people fill a void
with an obsessive attachment to a TV show.
Hey, I watch "Breaking Amish"
because I like it, okay?
I can quit anytime.
When her telenovela was cancelled,
maybe the brooch was imbued
with her longing to escape.
Yeah, but if she can make a
new artifact out of something
we know nothing about,
then how do we stop it?
By getting in there and neutralizing it
before the episode ends and Hortencia dies.
Yeah, but, Artie, then we could end up
just like Myka and Kelly.
I mean, they're not just
playing Maribel and Carmen,
they are Maribel and Carmen.
These cufflinks, they once belonged
to Harvey Korman from
the Carol Burnett show.
He was famous for never being
able to stay in character.
As long as you and I
each hold one of these,
we will stay ourselves.
You ready?
Sure.
Oh, hey, Artie?
Next week can we go meet honey boo boo?
- Shut up and get in the TV.
- Okay.
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Congrats.
Your Prius found their
off-campus study group.
This glass is on top of the dust.
This window must have
been shattered recently,
maybe this morning.
Well, Dan said Charlie was up there.
Oh, you think he fell from the bridge?
Yeah...
Oh, hey.
Look at this.
Higher education at work.
Oh, our guy was a videographer.
Hey, Charlie, careful.
PPZ rules! Whoo!
Mihi ardeat lucerna!
That had to hurt.
Claude, the way that he hit,
that fits the impact that
Professor Moulton described
when Charlie slammed into the wall.
It also explains his broken back.
I mean, the goober's
lucky he's still alive.
This video was taken at 7:14 A.M.
That's right in the middle
of Charlie's presentation.
So he was in two places at once?
Let's play that again, Sam.
Mihi ardeat lucerna!
That's Latin. It means "my candle burns."
Why would a college kid yell that?
PPZ, that could be Psi Phi Zeta,
and the Latin, that could
be a fraternity motto.
Nice work, Jinksy.
Wait, were you in a frat?
Oh, my God, you were in a frat.
I bet you were just like hoover.
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Armando!
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Kelly...
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Ay!
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Wha... wha... wha... uh...
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I ain't never met Charlie.
So he isn't a pledge here.
I don't think so.
Why are you lying to us, biff?
It's Bryce, and I'm not.
Uh-huh, and what about this?
Mihi ardeat lucerna!
That's your frat motto, I believe.
Whatever, just 'cause he knows our motto
doesn't mean he's pledging.
So you don't mind if we
have a look around, then?
It depends what you're looking for.
Hey, pretty lady, what's up?
Ox, damn it, Ox, get back downstairs.
Look, my dad runs the
biggest law firm in Minnesota.
I know my rights. Get a warrant.
Nice guy.
Yep, college sure is impressive.
Claude, look, isn't that Ox?
Yeah, Ox just went back downstairs.
I want to see what's down there.
Come on.
Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug,
chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!
Methinks these frat losers
have a duplication artifact.
Splits you in two.
A you that parties hard,
and a you that works hard.
Chug, chug, chug, chug,
chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!
Oh, dude, I think I'm gonna puke.
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Dona Fausta!
Dona...
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Oh... Uh...
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Caramba.
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Okay, we blend in, we hit the
basement, we bag the artifact.
That's a great plan, except that
Bryce will recognize our faces.
Oh, don't worry, he won't
be looking at our faces.
Nice work, ladies, take five.
All right, frat boy, what kind
of heathen initiation ritual
am I about to walk into here?
I don't know. My frat wasn't like this.
We had book club and yuletide a cappella.
Please forget that I said that.
Oh, my God. It just gets better.
- I say we follow him.
- Oh, yeah.
Don't start without me!
Mihi ardeat lucerna, mihi ardeat...
Okay, they're not doing
yuletide a cappella.
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Aye-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi.
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So can your twin peaks get us in there?
These are only one of my many superpowers.
Wait, guys, wait.
Watch this.
Oh, my God.
I am so drunk. You got help me.
You're up, Plebe.
Mihi ardeat lucerna.
Mihi ardeat lucerna.
Mihi...
My candle burns at both ends.
It will not last the night.
But all my foes and all my friends...
It gives a lovely light.
Psi Phi Zeta burn.
Psi Phi Zeta bright.
Psi Phi Zeta learn.
Psi Phi Zeta all night.
Hey, what the hell is that, man?
You again.
Bryce, you have no idea
how dangerous that is.
You got to give me that candle.
This guy's an ATF agent.
Steve, what happened?
Did you get the artifact?
Was that you screaming?
Oh, honey, I didn't scream.
It was that silly bitch.
Oh, grow up.
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- No, no, no, no, no, no.
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Ole!
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Ay!
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Two Steves, can I just
say this is amaze balls?
Actually it's not.
A dangerous artifact is bad enough,
but this... this is
rampant underage drinking.
Oh, boo hoo, Nancy Drew.
We should call the police.
Unbunch your panties, will you?
I mean, check out our
bestie, the girls are out,
and they are looking fabulous.
It's a party.
You need to relax your kegel
and drown me in a daiquiri,
you insufferable bitch!
We need to find this artifact
first before you kill me,
you irresponsible slut!
Steves, mm, loving you
both, you a little bit more,
but let's just split
up and find Bryce, okay?
First one to zap a frat
boy gets to keep him.
Oh, man!
Actually, this is my badge. Where's Bryce?
Do your parents know that you're here?
Bryce. Look at my lips.
Bryce. I'm looking for Bryce.
Do you know him?
Hey, let me see your driver's license.
My eyes are up here. Bryce.
Plucked brow, clean back of the neck,
flawless cuticles, you're gay.
No, I'm not.
You're lying.
Bryce.
Hey, Bryce!
Steves.
Come on, you silly twit.
Oh! Can a girl get a hand?
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Aye-yi-yi.
Ay.
No, no... ay!
Ole!
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- Ay! Myka!
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Grr. I love it when I'm butch.
No, no, wait. Listen, I'm innocent.
I didn't do it.
Do what, biff, use an artifact
to duplicate your frat brothers?
Is that a candle in your pocket,
or are you just really into twins?
Tell me about the candle, Bryce.
Okay, it belonged to Edna
St. Vincent Millay, all right?
Of course. "My candle burns at both ends."
It will not last the night."
O.M.G. What rhymes with "bore me"?
Please don't call my dad.
- Okay, let's finish this.
- Oh, no, no.
I'm just getting started.
Damn it, your evil twin
sister's got the candle.
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Ole!
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Ay!
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Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!
Enough.
Give me the artifact.
Come and get it, lady poopy pants.
Twin fight! Twin fight! Twin fight!
You are a prude and a nag.
You're a self-obsessed slut.
You are the worst gay guy ever.
Ow!
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Ole!
Ay!
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Twin fight! Twin fight! Twin fight!
You're gonna die a lonely old hag.
Well, that's better than
a whore in the gutter.
Well, it sounds good to me.
No way, secret agent girl.
I would have done well in school.
Oh, curses. How do I fix this?
Ugh, okay, think, think,
think. How did it stop before?
Charlie fell off the
building, Ox just passed out.
Uh...
Twin fight! Twin fight! Twin fight!
Hey, Steve.
Claudia?
Doll face, W.T.F.?
Sorry, sweetie, you were really fun.
See you around sometime.
Look out, look out!
- Are you okay?
- I think I'm gonna throw up.
Oh, not on these shoes. Okay.
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Ole!
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- Dona Fausta!
- No!
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- Eh?
- Ay!
So any residual effects?
Besides the bruises, the hangover,
and your relentless nagging me
to call everyone I see a "biatch"?
- Say it again! Say it again!
- No, stop that.
Well, on the upside, I
think I've come up with,
like, ten new things to try on Claire next,
so... wait for it... you were right.
Fixing her is going to be a marathon.
I needed a break, and
I need to pace myself.
Oh, and, Steve, I will never
let you die a lonely, old hag.
Thanks, biatch.
Oh, Shante, you stay.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Artie took off.
- Okay.
That was weird, right?
Weird artifact weirdness.
Let's never talk about it again.
Talk about what?
You know, I'm just gonna
wait for you outside.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Hey.
- Hey.
So how's abuelita?
Oh, she'll be fine.
I'm going to spend a
couple of days with her
to make sure she's okay.
But she's already crazy
about a new telenovela, burning love.
No...
Ah, well, she's lucky to have you.
I'm lucky I knew you.
- Right. Here we go.
- Well, it was great seeing you.
- Enough weirdness for one day.
- Yeah.
Thanks for everything, and,
you know, seriously, good luck,
Pete, please. We both know
it wouldn't have worked.
Why do you say that?
Because you're in love with Myka.
Pete, let's go.
What have you done? I
thought this was settled.
What did you do?
Calm down. What are you talking about?
You know what I'm talking about.
- What did you do with Claire?
- Nothing.
Why, what happened? Where's Claire?
She's gone. Someone took her.