Warehouse 13 (2009–2014): Season 5, Episode 3 - A Faire to Remember - full transcript
Pete and Steve immerse themselves in a Renaissance Faire as they search for a dangerous artifact which animated both a horseless chariot and a life-size chess piece and set them against the faire patrons. Meanwhile, Claudia risks combining artifacts in a desperate attempt to revive her sister Claire from her artifact-induced coma; Myka struggle to prevent Artie from finding out and stopping her.
- Previously on warehouse 13...
Your sister, she's
an incredibly dangerous woman!
- What happened to claire?
The music box,
it infected her.
It was destroyed, so we had
no artifact to neutralize.
The only solution
was to put claire
In an artifact-induced coma.
- You're my sister,
And there's no way
I'm leaving you like this.
Make way
for their royal majesties!
Make way!
- God save the queen!
All: Hip hip huzzah!
Hip hip huzzah!
Greetings, royal subjects
and visitors from the future.
The brave knight who triumphs
in today's tournament
Shall win my daughter's hand
in marriage.
Let the festivities begin!
huzzah!
Uh, you do know
how juggling works, right?
No, man.
You're supposed to catch them.
That's the juggling part!
Oh, knave.
Your fly is undone!
Oh, loser!
- He's awful.
Oh, forsooth!
'tis another loser who vexes me!
- Is he okay?
He's having a heart attack!
Somebody call 911!
you okay?
Mister!
- Call 911!
- Don't panic!
Don't panic.
I mean, we could say
they're cajun-style.
Oh, my god.
Tell me there's cereal.
When's abigail back
from her trip?
Why?
She doesn't cook either.
No, but she orders in
really well.
- The new dark vault is ready.
You have my permission
to come back to the warehouse.
The new vault is marvelous.
Say what you will
about paracelsus,
But the man had a knack
for security.
I've incorporated a few of his
ideas, albeit it in a fashion
More suitable
to my beloved steampunk motif.
I need a little help getting
the artifacts moved back in.
Oh!
We have a ping.
- Oh, thank god.
- Yes!
- I've been so bored.
- From a renaissance faire.
- Not it.
- No.
N...
Tell me there's something else
behind door number two.
- No, but thanks for playing.
Now wait a minute.
Are you out of your mind?
Renaissance faires
are awesome, man.
They've got swords and wenches,
and you can be
A knight or a knave.
Which one do you want
to be, huh, knight or knave?
I want to be a federal agent.
You're already
a federal agent.
All right.
Well, I want to be a knave.
You don't know
what a knave is, do you?
- It's a good thing.
- Uh-huh.
Be a knave.
Take the federal agent with you.
Claudia and myka
can help me here.
Where is claudia, by the way?
- Oh, you know what?
I'm gonna go track her down,
and we'll meet you there.
Excellent.
Oh, tell me there's cereal.
- Spices, tea, home remedies.
- Methinks not, sir.
Ooh, look!
Swords!
My god, this is everything
I've ever wanted.
Okay, now it's everything
I've ever wanted.
Wait, jinksy, hold it!
- What, what?
- Costume rentals!
- No!
Come on, man!
You can be a knight!
Or not.
Not is also an option.
But, man, I thought Halloween
was, like, gay christmas.
You don't like costumes?
- I'm not a cliche.
I-I don't watch
the oscars either.
Really?
Oh, maybe I'm gay.
- Tournament today, 3:00!
- Federal agent.
I need to speak
with whoever's in charge here.
S'wounds!
An officer of the court.
'tis an honor, milord.
- Yes, fine.
Can you please just tell me
who's in charge?
T'would be the king,
milord.
Thee must seek
a royal audience.
- Of course I must.
- cool.
- Follow me.
Make way!
Make way for the officers
of the court.
Yes, 'tis my good fortune
to be not only the sovereign
Of this fair county,
but also its proprietor.
- You own the faire?
- Forsooth!
'tis so.
- That's awesome.
Mayhaps milords would fancy a
round of darts or knucklebones?
Knucklebones?
That sounds like...
Like something
that you can play later.
Right after we play
"tell the federal agents
Everything you know without
the 'thees' and the 'thous.'"
- Okay.
This way.
Look, a ren faire is
an interactive experience.
And people come to play along,
not just watch.
I got to stay in character.
It's good for business.
The faster you start talking,
the faster you can put
What about the jester
with the scepter?
Who is he?
- And where can we find him?
I've never seen
the guy before.
Plus he was wearing a mask!
How about a list
of your employees?
I mean, we got tons of jesters.
Half of 'em
are paying customers, even,
And the customers
are the good ones.
Well, there must be some way
to narrow it down.
How many jesters can there be?
Look around.
And that's just the line
to the john.
- Gadzooks.
- Told you I'd be back.
Let's get started.
Despite everything artie
told you, you're here anyway.
- She's my sister.
I didn't leave joshua stuck
in an inter-dimensional prison.
I didn't leave steve dead,
And I'm not leaving claire
like this.
Look, claude, you know
I just had a huge wake-up call,
And life is shorter
than you ever think.
I can't imagine mine
without my sister.
- So what you're saying is...
- What's the plan?
?
So since we don't have
the artifact
That turned my sister into
carrie, we can't neutralize it.
And the artifact energy has
to live somewhere,
So if you take it out
of claire...
- We got to put it in something.
Wait, you know
that combining artifacts...
Is dangerous?
Yes.
And you know that my sister
has been in a coma for 15 years.
I think a little danger
is worth it, don't you?
- Bob dylan's bus transfer.
- That's right.
To electric marked
a major change in his music.
You know, it might not have been
dylan's best move,
But the uproar from his fans
make this artifact...
- Extremely dangerous!
And also very useful to what
we are about to do right now.
Okay, moving on.
Alessandro volta's
biscuit barrel.
Which is a way to store
the energy.
So the bus ticket will transfer
the energy
From claire
into the biscuit barrel.
Nice.
- Exactly.
Please note
that I did not say anything
About how dangerous
that could be.
Okay, what do you need me to do?
Well, since claire can't hold
on to the artifacts herself,
We've got to help her out.
You take one hand,
I'll take the other?
These officers
of the court would just like
To ask you all a few questions.
?
- Nope, nada, nyet.
That jester that made
the guy laugh,
I just want to know
if you've seen him today.
Not so, I'faith,
ne'er e'en then.
- So would you recognize him?
- Good sir!
I shan't recognize a knave
under any circumstance.
- Look, I just want to know if...
- knave, dost thou know
How many knights it takes
to changeth a lightbulb?
- Stop that!
- Dude, not cool!
This puppet is gonna see parts
of you that not even your doc...
Whoa!
Surely he jests, fair knave.
Okay, guys.
Let's just chillax, shall we?
Look, we just want to know
if you know anything
About the jester
that made the heckler laugh.
Not my shift.
You guys ask oswald?
Oswald?
No, who's oswald?
He was one of the guys
onstage when it happened.
So why wasn't he here
with all the other jesters?
Oswald isn't a real jester.
He was just filling in.
He's a doofer.
- A "doofer"?
You know, a guy
who does things.
Like, the doofer gets hit
with the pie.
He's the target
for the knife thrower,
The prisoner in the dungeon.
He shovels the horse...
Sure, we get it.
He's the doofer.
Now, where can we find him?
- Mm-mm-mm.
- You little...
- I-I know.
I know, walk away.
- I just...
Dunk a punk!
Douse a louse!
Soak a bloke, 10 shillings!
Step right up, milords!
A mere 10 shillings.
- Oh, no, thank you, milady.
We just want to talk
to your pal up there.
Oh, nay, kind sir.
Thou cannot.
Not until milord
hits the target.
Well, milord is happy
to oblige.
- Thank you.
All right.
What's so important?
You were onstage when the guy
had the heart attack.
- Oh, yeah.
Poor guy.
Wait, wait.
That wasn't my fault, okay?
I-I didn't make him laugh.
I am never funny.
Ask anyone.
- I think you're funny.
- The doofer's been dunked.
Great.
Hey, look,
no one's blaming you, okay?
We just want to know
what happened.
- Ask one of the knights.
I mean, ask the king.
He was there.
We already asked
everybody else.
Oh, of course,
because the doofer is always
The last one on the list.
You know I was supposed to be
a knight by now?
That's what my contract says.
I'm sure they'll make you
a knight soon, ozzie.
You get bumped up
to lady-in-waiting next week.
I-I've been a doofer
for three seasons.
It...no, no.
I need to talk to the king.
You need to talk
to us, okay?
We want to know what you saw.
Hey, look out!
You stop the cart,
and I'll get the girl!
- Pete, look out!
- Myka, look.
It's working.
Claude, just hold on.
- Mykes, her hand!
Is that it?
I don't know.
Bag 'em.
- Okay.
- Where am I?
Well, no evil jesters,
no laughing hecklers,
But I'm guessing
"mr. Toad's wild chariot ride"
Has got to be related, right?
'tis all part
of the spectacle!
Oh, forsooth.
'tis the grandest entertainment
in the land.
Maybe we should shut
this place down.
We'd never find 'em.
- What the hell was that?
I don't have to tell you
how bad this is for business.
It's very, very bad.
A round of knucklebones for all!
All: Huzzah!
Come on, will you
help me out here, boys?
Uh...
Milords, miladies,
gather round!
We know a guy
with a renaissance grudge
Against his lordship.
- Bad for business has got to be
At the top of our disgruntled
doofer's to-do list.
- I don't understand.
Where am I?
You're at a hospital,
a special hospital.
- Who are you ladies?
- Well, my name is myka,
And, um, this is...
- Uh...
I'm claudia.
I'm your sister.
- No, you're not.
My sister's seven years old.
Um, listen, there was...
there was a car accident,
And you've been in a coma
for a really long time.
- A coma?
Cars?
But that was...no way.
Come on.
I don't believe you.
I don't.
I-I know.
It sounds insane.
- Yes, because it is insane.
No, see?
That is claudia.
See?
And I'm...Old.
Oh, my god.
I'm old.
You're not old.
You're just...you're older.
- How much older?
I...
15 years.
- 15 years?
That means you're...
- 22.
- So I'm 30?
I'm 30 years old?
How can I be 30 years old?
- Don't worry!
We're gonna get everything
Sorted out, okay?
I promise.
I missed the garbage concert.
I missed the prom!
I missed graduation!
How is this gonna be all right?
- Just trust me, okay?
We're gonna talk everything
through from the very beginning.
Just give me one sec.
I have a feeling this is maybe
gonna take a while.
Yeah, I'm just gonna put these
back where they belong.
- Thank you.
And, hey, um, artie might be
not so happy about this.
You think you could soften him
up a bit before we get there?
- Don't worry about it.
I'll take care of artie.
Okay, catarina, we're looking
for your pal oswald.
- Um...
- target practice, look.
- Another one?
You get the wizard,
I'll take care of the crowd!
Hey, get down!
Hey, get back!
hey!
Okay, neat trick.
Now what the hell?
- Coming, princess!
Okay, okay.
There you go.
There you go, there you go.
- Ah, some special effects!
Wow, best ren faire ever!
There you go.
Not all on fire.
I used to like magic.
Not a mark on her!
What a show, huh?
ho-ho-ho.
Huh?
Come on.
Let's hear it
for king what's-his-name.
Hey, not so fast there,
ozzie ozbean.
- What do you want me for?
Look, I-I...
I've never played a magician,
And I'm not even
on the clock, okay?
That may be so, but wherever
you are, chaos seems to follow.
- Time to grill the doofus.
And, um,
I get a free room here
At the bed and breakfast,
Although it's not so much
breakfast anymore, so...
You got a lot of stuff.
Oh, god, yeah.
God, I guess I do.
Um, I didn't have very much
when I came here, so I...
I don't know, maybe I'm just
trying to make up for that.
- Mm.
What's this?
Oh, this is...um, ipad.
It's like a little computer.
You can listen to music
or read books
Or surf the internet on it.
Mm.
The internet's still around?
Dad said
that'd be a passing fad.
Yeah, well,
he probably didn't think pants
Were here to stay either.
Uh, that's for an xbox.
Uh, video games.
- Oh, like, um, donkey kong.
yeah, except nobody plays do...
Yeah, just like donkey kong.
I got to say,
I'm really hating this.
- And I totally get that.
I-I just...
nothing feels real.
Wait, that's it, isn't it?
It's a dream.
It's just a weird dream.
I'm just gonna wake up
and be me again.
claire, I'm sorry.
It's not a dream.
- It has to be.
It has to be!
This cannot be my life!
- Look, it's...it's okay.
Everything is gonna
be all right.
Please stop saying it's gonna
be all right, 'cause it's not.
None of this is all right.
I don't recognize anything
or anyone!
Claire, I'm sorry.
You're right, it's a lot.
It's a lot to take in,
but you're gonna catch up fast.
You know why?
'cause I did.
What, you were
in a coma too?
I was
in a mental institution.
You were?
Why?
long, long story, but I spent
My formative years
in a psych ward,
And not to outdo you,
but crazy girl carries
A lot more stigma
than coma girl.
Look, yes, maybe there are
some things you can't get back
Like the prom
or the garbage concert,
But we'll catch you up
on everything else, I promise.
Besides, I hear
high school's overrated.
I don't think we missed much
avoiding all that teen drama.
- Wait.
Is this...
- Your guitar?
Yeah, my strongest memories
of you are with that guitar,
Which probably has
a lot to do
With why I'm completely
guitar-obsessed.
yeah, you are.
Hey, do you want
to see where I play?
Okay.
- Okay.
Alice?
Are you in there?
Wha...okay.
Yeah, ju...sorry.
Just go back to planning ways
to kill me.
- So what's the plan?
- Don't do that!
artie, do not start with me.
Took you long enough.
Where's claudia?
She's busy.
You and I can handle this.
There was a time when people
actually did what I said.
Oh, boo-hoo.
What is the plan?
- All right.
We are going to carefully load
all these artifacts
Back into the newly secured
dark vault very,
Very, very carefully.
- Got it.
Okay, listen, artie.
I need to, um,
Did you not hear me say
"very, very carefully"?
Everything here...everything...
is extremely unstable.
It is critical
that no negative energy...
This is not my first time
in the dark vault!
- Shh, shh.
- Although "vault" is a joke.
Okay, this place is about as
secure as a kiosk at the mall.
don't...
And how many times
has alice escaped
From that mirror anyway?
Which is why
I have been working
Night and day to install
new security measures.
Doesn't anybody
ever listen to me?
- Do not snap at me, okay?
You said you didn't want
any help with that!
aah! No.
J...no negative energy now.
I don't know what's making
all these things happen.
And yet you're always there
when they do.
- Wha...
- I don't know.
Maybe it's aimed at him?
Anybody that might want
to hurt you?
No, look, look,
I am just trying
To get through
my already humiliating day.
All right, well,
let's start with the juggling.
Tell us everything you did
or touched leading up
I-I did everything
that I normally do.
All the usual stuff,
except getting my fortune told.
You don't usually get
your fortune told?
- Oh, my god.
The fortune teller?
Is tha...did she curse me?
Am I doing all of this
with my mind?
Well, stranger things
have happened.
What'd she say to you?
- Madame dooriya?
Uh, she...she asked me
what I wanted, you know?
What...what would make me happy.
And I want to win
the hand of the princess.
I mean, not just the job thing...
I mean, I actually
Want to go out with the girl
who plays the princess.
you are not a hero.
To become a knight and win
the hand of the princess,
You must become a hero.
- Okay. How?
- The cards will show the way.
What else madame dooriya
has to say.
Wow.
How many bags did we bring?
Madame d really wouldn't
like this.
No, she really,
really wouldn't.
All right, lady,
secret service.
We know you put a curse
on this fine young man
Right here,
and we want you
To hand over whatever it is
you used to do it.
I haven't cursed anyone
in years.
Not since my ex-husband.
Ribbit, ribbit.
I didn't even read the cards
for this one.
- Yes, she did.
- Pete, look.
- Oh.
Let's bag 'em.
You ready, jinksy?
- Mm-hmm.
damn it, nothing.
- We got a gypsy on the run!
- Knight to b-4!
- Wow!
Halt!
Depart the board!
You know
they're just using you, right?
Steve, go around that way
and flank her.
- Look out!
The white queen!
Okay, this thing's
just broken.
- Hey, it's time travel day!
- Steve, she's behind you!
- Oh, no, you don't, lady!
All: Oh!
- Lady just disappeared.
- So did madame dooriya.
- That was awesome.
- Best ren faire ever!
- Okay, keep it.
- Thanks.
Wow, how did coffee get
to be so expensive?
Oh, I have no explanation
for that.
So, you know,
it's not exactly the viper room,
But the crowd
is always enthusiastic...
Although, in fairness,
that might be the caffeine.
Weren't you nervous to play
in front of people?
yeah, definitely,
but you know, pete kind of
Talked me into it,
and then after that first night,
When they all clapped,
Let's just say I'm addicted
to more than just coffee.
Would you play for me?
- Twist my arm.
But, hey, you've got
to sing with me.
Oh, I've been in a coma
for 15 years.
I'm pretty sure I'm rusty.
And I can guarantee you
rolling stone
Oh, thank god rolling stone's
still around.
okay.
? ba, ba, ba, ba,
ba, ba, ba, ba ?
? ba, ba, ba, ba
- Wait. Is that...
- ? ba, da, ba, da, da
Garbage, when I grow up.
- Oh.
- Since you missed the concert,
I thought we could have one
of our own.
?
- ? cut my tongue out
? I've been caught out
like a giant juggernaut ?
? happy hours, golden showers
? on a cruise
to freak you out ?
go.
- ? we could fly a helicopter
? nothing left to talk about
? entertain you
Both:
? celebrate you
? I'll be back to frame you
? when I grow up
? I'll be stable
nice.
Both:
? when I grow up
? I'll turn the tables
- yeah!
Both:
? when I grow up
? I'll be stable
- Oh, yeah!
Both:
? sha-la-la, sha-la-la
? sha-la-la
That we we're just gonna
be glorified stock boys.
My keen sense of perception
is giving me the impression
What is wrong?
- what's wrong, artie?
Everything!
Look, just...
calmly, calmly, just...
You see, there's
an energy balance in here that...
- Don't patronize me, artie.
- Patronize you?
liste...
My bad.
Look, why don't we just quietly
work together?
You also never mentioned
that we would be stuck
In south dakota forever,
And you never, ever,
ever told us
That we would be affected
by artifacts!
You want to guess how many times
I've been whammied?
- That's what this is about.
You think that somehow
An artifact has affected
your health.
Stop second-guessing me,
artie.
That is not
what this is about...
Not at all!
Myka, you've been
whammied again.
- I hate it here!
- Not so fast!
Damn it!
I'm getting old.
I used to be faster
than the kgb.
So this is why
you ran out on us?
You were jonesing
for a corn dog?
Which I would totally get,
by the way.
Why are you harassing
my grandmother?
She didn't do anything wrong.
That's right.
You did!
Idiot girl, you used
mother shipton's cards
On that doofus.
- It's doofer.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
You?
I-I thought you liked
the doofus.
Oswald.
- You do?
You like me?
Like, like like me?
So then why curse him?
He could have been hurt.
- I know, and I'm so sorry.
I was...I didn't mean for anyone
to get hurt.
I was just trying
to help ozzie.
That I know he has
so he could become a knight.
So, when he came into the tent,
I pretended to be dooriya.
I didn't know it was gonna
be dangerous.
Of course it's dangerous!
Idiot girl!
Mother shipton created tragedy
across all of England.
- Well, then let's make sure
Those cards don't cause
any more.
- All right, watch your eyes.
- Nice trick.
All right,
now that we know ozzie's
Off the hook,
how about some corn dogs?
No, wait!
This cannot be stopped.
The cards have been dealt.
They foretold that the doofus
will become a hero,
So become a hero he must
or die trying.
I usually get paid
for this kind of information.
Did she say "die"?
Like, die die?
- Yes, die!
- Die!
- No one's gonna die, okay?
Steve, why don't you help oswald
pick out a nice hat.
- Let's go buy a hat.
- Does he really have to die?
Either he's a hero
or a dead doofus.
- Okay, so how do we fix this?
Oswald is the only one
who can fix it.
He must become...
- a hero, right...
As you said.
Is there any other way?
- Or he could die!
- Would you stop saying that?
The cards are presenting
oswald with opportunities.
He should have been the one
to call 911
Or to rescue
that little girl...
Or kept steve
out of checkmate.
He could be a hero.
I know he can.
- Really?
Have you seen him?
I mean, really looked at him?
- Well, she has a point.
The cards will continue
to challenge him until he does.
All right, well, I guess it's
time for oswald to knight up.
His goal is to win
the princess, and to do that,
So the cards will probably
challenge him there.
- The time...I must go.
I have an exorcism
in 20 minutes.
- Okay, explain something to me.
If you really like this guy,
Why would you help him win
the princess?
Because when you really
love someone,
You want them to be happy,
even if it isn't with you.
Wow.
My ex-girlfriends had more of...
a scorched-earth policy.
Don't let anything
happen to him?
Don't worry.
I'm on it.
Now that I know
where and when,
I'll make sure the odds
are stacked in his favor.
Good, because the last card
that I dealt him...
Was "death."
Myka, please.
Don't, don't!
no. No!
Talking down to me
does not help!
Look, I'm not talking
down to you.
I'm just talking you down.
See the difference?
See, all this rage...don't!
Oh, oh!
All this rage is just 'cause
you've been whammied.
- It's not just that.
- That's right.
- It's everything.
- Right.
- It's this place.
- Uh-huh.
- It's a thousand things.
- I understand.
Do you know that I went
through my cancer scare alone?
- Uh, yeah.
- Do you know that?
- I'm sure.
- Alone!
yes, I know.
And...and you didn't
really need to.
You...you chose to keep it
to yourself, see?
And what if I spend the rest
of my life alone?
Is that my fault too?
Is that what you're saying?
Answer the question!
- Oh, my god.
The music box.
- Unh.
You shot me?
Well, it wasn't really
a shot, per se...
More like
an aggressive hello.
- You shot me!
It just makes me angrier!
Oy yay, oy yay, oy yay!
Gather round!
'tis time for the royal
tournament to begin!
- No, no, no, I can't.
- Oh, yeah.
I-I can't.
I can't. I can't.
- Yes, you can.
- No.
- There you go. That a boy.
- Uh-oh.
how?
With clear eyes
and a full heart...
You can't lose.
I'm nearsighted,
and I have arrhythmia.
Look, dude,
you can do this, okay?
You have to.
Otherwise they're just gonna
keep coming,
And you don't want to be chased
your whole life, do you, huh?
All you have to do
is beat this last card.
How bad can it be?
- Well, you had to ask.
who challenges me?
You?
- Me? Oh, him.
- Prepare to die, mortal!
- No, no, no, no, no, no!
He's got to do this himself.
whoa, whoa.
No, I can't do this.
- No, no, no, you're doing it!
- I can't...
- ozzie, no, you're good.
You're doing great.
Keep him in the game, okay?
I got an idea.
- Hey, no!
- I can't.
You're a knight now.
Use your sword.
Aah!
here, catch!
Ozzie, here!
Unh!
- Ozzie, look out!
Nothing is worth this,
not even the princess!
- Hey, where you going?
- Coward!
- Leave me alone!
- Catarina!
I'll take you instead.
No!
All: Huzzah!
Hip-hip, huzzah!
Hip-hip, huzzah!
we did it.
Both:
? I don't want to fall asleep
? 'cause I miss you, babe
? and I don't want
to miss a thing ?
oh, I don't.
I don't want to miss a thing.
Will you tell me everything that
happened while I was sleeping?
Ooh!
Well, that could take a minute.
We need snacks.
- Okay.
Mom and dad must be
so proud of you.
Claire...
Um...
Listen, mom and dad...
Mom and dad aren't
with us anymore.
- What do you mean?
They're gone.
They were...
They were in the car accident
that put you in a coma.
- They were?
- Claire, please!
- No!
The car?
That car.
They're dead?
I'm starting to remember.
I know I should have told
you sooner.
I just...I-I didn't know...
- but I wasn't.
I saw it.
I saw the crash...
So I couldn't ha...
I wasn't in the car, was I?
- No...
You weren't.
You...it's...
it's very complicated.
I-I...
Is your sister there with you
right now?
Great.
Myka told you.
Yeah, listen,
everything's okay.
No...
Actually, it isn't!
Don't defend him.
He shot me!
guys, get back!
- Oh.
I'm sorry.
I'm really, really,
really sorry, really!
I just...I thought that...
- Bob dylan's bus transfer?
Volta's biscuit barrel?
You think
I didn't already think of that?
Look, the music box
does not work that way.
ooh!
- Look, the energy
Has to be transferred
into a living human being.
If you'd only asked me, I wo...
can't we just tesla her?
in addition
to the strong possibility
That myka might be extremely
upset by being shot again,
There's also the issue
of the energy from the tesla
Boosting
her telekinetic energy, so...
- So, what, then?
- Catch, artie!
Oh, it's not artie.
It's me.
Hi. Just giving claire
the grand tour.
Nobody knows the stacks
like myka.
You remember claire, right?
- Hey, again, myka.
- Hello, claire.
- Nice of you to drop in.
- I'm sorry, myka.
- Oh!
We only have a few minutes
and not many options.
Well, you're not gonna put
myka in a coma, artie.
You can't.
- Claudia, not her...
Me.
He has to, don't you?
Seeing her like that,
I remember now.
The music box, how angry
I could get, mom and dad.
- It wasn't your fault.
I know. I know.
But somebody has to do it...
No, no, I'm not gonna
let you go back to that.
There has to be something.
- No, but there's not!
You've tried everything,
haven't you?
For 15 years.
I'm sorry, claire.
- It's okay.
- No. No!
I was there too.
I knew the music box
was dangerous.
Put me in the coma.
- No, claudia.
I will not let you or myka
or anyone else suffer.
Listen to me.
Thank you for today.
If I only get one day,
I am so, so glad I got this one.
I love you, little sister,
And I am counting on you
to fix all of this.
- We have to do this now.
- Okay.
Wait.
? when I grow up
Both:
? I'll be stable
Both:
? when I grow up
? I'll turn the tables
- I'll find a way.
I promise.
all right.
Yeah.
I now pronounce thee
sir oswald the lionheart.
All: Huzzah!
And offer thee my fair
daughter's hand in marriage.
uh, gramercy, your majesty.
It pains me greatly,
but I must decline.
Verily, my heart belongs
to another.
- You knew, didn't you?
You knew that oswald
would save her,
So you told catarina
to run in the ring.
- Well, jinksy, my friend,
I had a feeling
that ozzie could be a hero
For someone he really
cared about.
Oh, look,
someone got left out.
Can't let that happen,
now, can we?
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, uh, I don't know
if you doth realize it or not,
But, uh, I was pretty helpful
with yon knight over there.
ooh.
- Yeah, well.
- That's so exciting.
You want to go get a chai latte?
- I wanted to show you this.
- What is this?
- Claire.
It's all about claire.
- Yeah.
Like I said, I've been working
on her problem
For the last 15 years.
I'm sorry, claudia.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you
about claire...
Sooner.
I didn't want you to go
through all that pain.
I've always done...
I always will do anything
To keep you from getting hurt.
Please don't hug me.
The only thing that could make
this worse is you seeing me cry.
Okay, from now on,
we do everything together.
That goes for you too.
We're a family here,
And none of us has to go
through anything alone...
Ever.
damn it.
Your sister, she's
an incredibly dangerous woman!
- What happened to claire?
The music box,
it infected her.
It was destroyed, so we had
no artifact to neutralize.
The only solution
was to put claire
In an artifact-induced coma.
- You're my sister,
And there's no way
I'm leaving you like this.
Make way
for their royal majesties!
Make way!
- God save the queen!
All: Hip hip huzzah!
Hip hip huzzah!
Greetings, royal subjects
and visitors from the future.
The brave knight who triumphs
in today's tournament
Shall win my daughter's hand
in marriage.
Let the festivities begin!
huzzah!
Uh, you do know
how juggling works, right?
No, man.
You're supposed to catch them.
That's the juggling part!
Oh, knave.
Your fly is undone!
Oh, loser!
- He's awful.
Oh, forsooth!
'tis another loser who vexes me!
- Is he okay?
He's having a heart attack!
Somebody call 911!
you okay?
Mister!
- Call 911!
- Don't panic!
Don't panic.
I mean, we could say
they're cajun-style.
Oh, my god.
Tell me there's cereal.
When's abigail back
from her trip?
Why?
She doesn't cook either.
No, but she orders in
really well.
- The new dark vault is ready.
You have my permission
to come back to the warehouse.
The new vault is marvelous.
Say what you will
about paracelsus,
But the man had a knack
for security.
I've incorporated a few of his
ideas, albeit it in a fashion
More suitable
to my beloved steampunk motif.
I need a little help getting
the artifacts moved back in.
Oh!
We have a ping.
- Oh, thank god.
- Yes!
- I've been so bored.
- From a renaissance faire.
- Not it.
- No.
N...
Tell me there's something else
behind door number two.
- No, but thanks for playing.
Now wait a minute.
Are you out of your mind?
Renaissance faires
are awesome, man.
They've got swords and wenches,
and you can be
A knight or a knave.
Which one do you want
to be, huh, knight or knave?
I want to be a federal agent.
You're already
a federal agent.
All right.
Well, I want to be a knave.
You don't know
what a knave is, do you?
- It's a good thing.
- Uh-huh.
Be a knave.
Take the federal agent with you.
Claudia and myka
can help me here.
Where is claudia, by the way?
- Oh, you know what?
I'm gonna go track her down,
and we'll meet you there.
Excellent.
Oh, tell me there's cereal.
- Spices, tea, home remedies.
- Methinks not, sir.
Ooh, look!
Swords!
My god, this is everything
I've ever wanted.
Okay, now it's everything
I've ever wanted.
Wait, jinksy, hold it!
- What, what?
- Costume rentals!
- No!
Come on, man!
You can be a knight!
Or not.
Not is also an option.
But, man, I thought Halloween
was, like, gay christmas.
You don't like costumes?
- I'm not a cliche.
I-I don't watch
the oscars either.
Really?
Oh, maybe I'm gay.
- Tournament today, 3:00!
- Federal agent.
I need to speak
with whoever's in charge here.
S'wounds!
An officer of the court.
'tis an honor, milord.
- Yes, fine.
Can you please just tell me
who's in charge?
T'would be the king,
milord.
Thee must seek
a royal audience.
- Of course I must.
- cool.
- Follow me.
Make way!
Make way for the officers
of the court.
Yes, 'tis my good fortune
to be not only the sovereign
Of this fair county,
but also its proprietor.
- You own the faire?
- Forsooth!
'tis so.
- That's awesome.
Mayhaps milords would fancy a
round of darts or knucklebones?
Knucklebones?
That sounds like...
Like something
that you can play later.
Right after we play
"tell the federal agents
Everything you know without
the 'thees' and the 'thous.'"
- Okay.
This way.
Look, a ren faire is
an interactive experience.
And people come to play along,
not just watch.
I got to stay in character.
It's good for business.
The faster you start talking,
the faster you can put
What about the jester
with the scepter?
Who is he?
- And where can we find him?
I've never seen
the guy before.
Plus he was wearing a mask!
How about a list
of your employees?
I mean, we got tons of jesters.
Half of 'em
are paying customers, even,
And the customers
are the good ones.
Well, there must be some way
to narrow it down.
How many jesters can there be?
Look around.
And that's just the line
to the john.
- Gadzooks.
- Told you I'd be back.
Let's get started.
Despite everything artie
told you, you're here anyway.
- She's my sister.
I didn't leave joshua stuck
in an inter-dimensional prison.
I didn't leave steve dead,
And I'm not leaving claire
like this.
Look, claude, you know
I just had a huge wake-up call,
And life is shorter
than you ever think.
I can't imagine mine
without my sister.
- So what you're saying is...
- What's the plan?
?
So since we don't have
the artifact
That turned my sister into
carrie, we can't neutralize it.
And the artifact energy has
to live somewhere,
So if you take it out
of claire...
- We got to put it in something.
Wait, you know
that combining artifacts...
Is dangerous?
Yes.
And you know that my sister
has been in a coma for 15 years.
I think a little danger
is worth it, don't you?
- Bob dylan's bus transfer.
- That's right.
To electric marked
a major change in his music.
You know, it might not have been
dylan's best move,
But the uproar from his fans
make this artifact...
- Extremely dangerous!
And also very useful to what
we are about to do right now.
Okay, moving on.
Alessandro volta's
biscuit barrel.
Which is a way to store
the energy.
So the bus ticket will transfer
the energy
From claire
into the biscuit barrel.
Nice.
- Exactly.
Please note
that I did not say anything
About how dangerous
that could be.
Okay, what do you need me to do?
Well, since claire can't hold
on to the artifacts herself,
We've got to help her out.
You take one hand,
I'll take the other?
These officers
of the court would just like
To ask you all a few questions.
?
- Nope, nada, nyet.
That jester that made
the guy laugh,
I just want to know
if you've seen him today.
Not so, I'faith,
ne'er e'en then.
- So would you recognize him?
- Good sir!
I shan't recognize a knave
under any circumstance.
- Look, I just want to know if...
- knave, dost thou know
How many knights it takes
to changeth a lightbulb?
- Stop that!
- Dude, not cool!
This puppet is gonna see parts
of you that not even your doc...
Whoa!
Surely he jests, fair knave.
Okay, guys.
Let's just chillax, shall we?
Look, we just want to know
if you know anything
About the jester
that made the heckler laugh.
Not my shift.
You guys ask oswald?
Oswald?
No, who's oswald?
He was one of the guys
onstage when it happened.
So why wasn't he here
with all the other jesters?
Oswald isn't a real jester.
He was just filling in.
He's a doofer.
- A "doofer"?
You know, a guy
who does things.
Like, the doofer gets hit
with the pie.
He's the target
for the knife thrower,
The prisoner in the dungeon.
He shovels the horse...
Sure, we get it.
He's the doofer.
Now, where can we find him?
- Mm-mm-mm.
- You little...
- I-I know.
I know, walk away.
- I just...
Dunk a punk!
Douse a louse!
Soak a bloke, 10 shillings!
Step right up, milords!
A mere 10 shillings.
- Oh, no, thank you, milady.
We just want to talk
to your pal up there.
Oh, nay, kind sir.
Thou cannot.
Not until milord
hits the target.
Well, milord is happy
to oblige.
- Thank you.
All right.
What's so important?
You were onstage when the guy
had the heart attack.
- Oh, yeah.
Poor guy.
Wait, wait.
That wasn't my fault, okay?
I-I didn't make him laugh.
I am never funny.
Ask anyone.
- I think you're funny.
- The doofer's been dunked.
Great.
Hey, look,
no one's blaming you, okay?
We just want to know
what happened.
- Ask one of the knights.
I mean, ask the king.
He was there.
We already asked
everybody else.
Oh, of course,
because the doofer is always
The last one on the list.
You know I was supposed to be
a knight by now?
That's what my contract says.
I'm sure they'll make you
a knight soon, ozzie.
You get bumped up
to lady-in-waiting next week.
I-I've been a doofer
for three seasons.
It...no, no.
I need to talk to the king.
You need to talk
to us, okay?
We want to know what you saw.
Hey, look out!
You stop the cart,
and I'll get the girl!
- Pete, look out!
- Myka, look.
It's working.
Claude, just hold on.
- Mykes, her hand!
Is that it?
I don't know.
Bag 'em.
- Okay.
- Where am I?
Well, no evil jesters,
no laughing hecklers,
But I'm guessing
"mr. Toad's wild chariot ride"
Has got to be related, right?
'tis all part
of the spectacle!
Oh, forsooth.
'tis the grandest entertainment
in the land.
Maybe we should shut
this place down.
We'd never find 'em.
- What the hell was that?
I don't have to tell you
how bad this is for business.
It's very, very bad.
A round of knucklebones for all!
All: Huzzah!
Come on, will you
help me out here, boys?
Uh...
Milords, miladies,
gather round!
We know a guy
with a renaissance grudge
Against his lordship.
- Bad for business has got to be
At the top of our disgruntled
doofer's to-do list.
- I don't understand.
Where am I?
You're at a hospital,
a special hospital.
- Who are you ladies?
- Well, my name is myka,
And, um, this is...
- Uh...
I'm claudia.
I'm your sister.
- No, you're not.
My sister's seven years old.
Um, listen, there was...
there was a car accident,
And you've been in a coma
for a really long time.
- A coma?
Cars?
But that was...no way.
Come on.
I don't believe you.
I don't.
I-I know.
It sounds insane.
- Yes, because it is insane.
No, see?
That is claudia.
See?
And I'm...Old.
Oh, my god.
I'm old.
You're not old.
You're just...you're older.
- How much older?
I...
15 years.
- 15 years?
That means you're...
- 22.
- So I'm 30?
I'm 30 years old?
How can I be 30 years old?
- Don't worry!
We're gonna get everything
Sorted out, okay?
I promise.
I missed the garbage concert.
I missed the prom!
I missed graduation!
How is this gonna be all right?
- Just trust me, okay?
We're gonna talk everything
through from the very beginning.
Just give me one sec.
I have a feeling this is maybe
gonna take a while.
Yeah, I'm just gonna put these
back where they belong.
- Thank you.
And, hey, um, artie might be
not so happy about this.
You think you could soften him
up a bit before we get there?
- Don't worry about it.
I'll take care of artie.
Okay, catarina, we're looking
for your pal oswald.
- Um...
- target practice, look.
- Another one?
You get the wizard,
I'll take care of the crowd!
Hey, get down!
Hey, get back!
hey!
Okay, neat trick.
Now what the hell?
- Coming, princess!
Okay, okay.
There you go.
There you go, there you go.
- Ah, some special effects!
Wow, best ren faire ever!
There you go.
Not all on fire.
I used to like magic.
Not a mark on her!
What a show, huh?
ho-ho-ho.
Huh?
Come on.
Let's hear it
for king what's-his-name.
Hey, not so fast there,
ozzie ozbean.
- What do you want me for?
Look, I-I...
I've never played a magician,
And I'm not even
on the clock, okay?
That may be so, but wherever
you are, chaos seems to follow.
- Time to grill the doofus.
And, um,
I get a free room here
At the bed and breakfast,
Although it's not so much
breakfast anymore, so...
You got a lot of stuff.
Oh, god, yeah.
God, I guess I do.
Um, I didn't have very much
when I came here, so I...
I don't know, maybe I'm just
trying to make up for that.
- Mm.
What's this?
Oh, this is...um, ipad.
It's like a little computer.
You can listen to music
or read books
Or surf the internet on it.
Mm.
The internet's still around?
Dad said
that'd be a passing fad.
Yeah, well,
he probably didn't think pants
Were here to stay either.
Uh, that's for an xbox.
Uh, video games.
- Oh, like, um, donkey kong.
yeah, except nobody plays do...
Yeah, just like donkey kong.
I got to say,
I'm really hating this.
- And I totally get that.
I-I just...
nothing feels real.
Wait, that's it, isn't it?
It's a dream.
It's just a weird dream.
I'm just gonna wake up
and be me again.
claire, I'm sorry.
It's not a dream.
- It has to be.
It has to be!
This cannot be my life!
- Look, it's...it's okay.
Everything is gonna
be all right.
Please stop saying it's gonna
be all right, 'cause it's not.
None of this is all right.
I don't recognize anything
or anyone!
Claire, I'm sorry.
You're right, it's a lot.
It's a lot to take in,
but you're gonna catch up fast.
You know why?
'cause I did.
What, you were
in a coma too?
I was
in a mental institution.
You were?
Why?
long, long story, but I spent
My formative years
in a psych ward,
And not to outdo you,
but crazy girl carries
A lot more stigma
than coma girl.
Look, yes, maybe there are
some things you can't get back
Like the prom
or the garbage concert,
But we'll catch you up
on everything else, I promise.
Besides, I hear
high school's overrated.
I don't think we missed much
avoiding all that teen drama.
- Wait.
Is this...
- Your guitar?
Yeah, my strongest memories
of you are with that guitar,
Which probably has
a lot to do
With why I'm completely
guitar-obsessed.
yeah, you are.
Hey, do you want
to see where I play?
Okay.
- Okay.
Alice?
Are you in there?
Wha...okay.
Yeah, ju...sorry.
Just go back to planning ways
to kill me.
- So what's the plan?
- Don't do that!
artie, do not start with me.
Took you long enough.
Where's claudia?
She's busy.
You and I can handle this.
There was a time when people
actually did what I said.
Oh, boo-hoo.
What is the plan?
- All right.
We are going to carefully load
all these artifacts
Back into the newly secured
dark vault very,
Very, very carefully.
- Got it.
Okay, listen, artie.
I need to, um,
Did you not hear me say
"very, very carefully"?
Everything here...everything...
is extremely unstable.
It is critical
that no negative energy...
This is not my first time
in the dark vault!
- Shh, shh.
- Although "vault" is a joke.
Okay, this place is about as
secure as a kiosk at the mall.
don't...
And how many times
has alice escaped
From that mirror anyway?
Which is why
I have been working
Night and day to install
new security measures.
Doesn't anybody
ever listen to me?
- Do not snap at me, okay?
You said you didn't want
any help with that!
aah! No.
J...no negative energy now.
I don't know what's making
all these things happen.
And yet you're always there
when they do.
- Wha...
- I don't know.
Maybe it's aimed at him?
Anybody that might want
to hurt you?
No, look, look,
I am just trying
To get through
my already humiliating day.
All right, well,
let's start with the juggling.
Tell us everything you did
or touched leading up
I-I did everything
that I normally do.
All the usual stuff,
except getting my fortune told.
You don't usually get
your fortune told?
- Oh, my god.
The fortune teller?
Is tha...did she curse me?
Am I doing all of this
with my mind?
Well, stranger things
have happened.
What'd she say to you?
- Madame dooriya?
Uh, she...she asked me
what I wanted, you know?
What...what would make me happy.
And I want to win
the hand of the princess.
I mean, not just the job thing...
I mean, I actually
Want to go out with the girl
who plays the princess.
you are not a hero.
To become a knight and win
the hand of the princess,
You must become a hero.
- Okay. How?
- The cards will show the way.
What else madame dooriya
has to say.
Wow.
How many bags did we bring?
Madame d really wouldn't
like this.
No, she really,
really wouldn't.
All right, lady,
secret service.
We know you put a curse
on this fine young man
Right here,
and we want you
To hand over whatever it is
you used to do it.
I haven't cursed anyone
in years.
Not since my ex-husband.
Ribbit, ribbit.
I didn't even read the cards
for this one.
- Yes, she did.
- Pete, look.
- Oh.
Let's bag 'em.
You ready, jinksy?
- Mm-hmm.
damn it, nothing.
- We got a gypsy on the run!
- Knight to b-4!
- Wow!
Halt!
Depart the board!
You know
they're just using you, right?
Steve, go around that way
and flank her.
- Look out!
The white queen!
Okay, this thing's
just broken.
- Hey, it's time travel day!
- Steve, she's behind you!
- Oh, no, you don't, lady!
All: Oh!
- Lady just disappeared.
- So did madame dooriya.
- That was awesome.
- Best ren faire ever!
- Okay, keep it.
- Thanks.
Wow, how did coffee get
to be so expensive?
Oh, I have no explanation
for that.
So, you know,
it's not exactly the viper room,
But the crowd
is always enthusiastic...
Although, in fairness,
that might be the caffeine.
Weren't you nervous to play
in front of people?
yeah, definitely,
but you know, pete kind of
Talked me into it,
and then after that first night,
When they all clapped,
Let's just say I'm addicted
to more than just coffee.
Would you play for me?
- Twist my arm.
But, hey, you've got
to sing with me.
Oh, I've been in a coma
for 15 years.
I'm pretty sure I'm rusty.
And I can guarantee you
rolling stone
Oh, thank god rolling stone's
still around.
okay.
? ba, ba, ba, ba,
ba, ba, ba, ba ?
? ba, ba, ba, ba
- Wait. Is that...
- ? ba, da, ba, da, da
Garbage, when I grow up.
- Oh.
- Since you missed the concert,
I thought we could have one
of our own.
?
- ? cut my tongue out
? I've been caught out
like a giant juggernaut ?
? happy hours, golden showers
? on a cruise
to freak you out ?
go.
- ? we could fly a helicopter
? nothing left to talk about
? entertain you
Both:
? celebrate you
? I'll be back to frame you
? when I grow up
? I'll be stable
nice.
Both:
? when I grow up
? I'll turn the tables
- yeah!
Both:
? when I grow up
? I'll be stable
- Oh, yeah!
Both:
? sha-la-la, sha-la-la
? sha-la-la
That we we're just gonna
be glorified stock boys.
My keen sense of perception
is giving me the impression
What is wrong?
- what's wrong, artie?
Everything!
Look, just...
calmly, calmly, just...
You see, there's
an energy balance in here that...
- Don't patronize me, artie.
- Patronize you?
liste...
My bad.
Look, why don't we just quietly
work together?
You also never mentioned
that we would be stuck
In south dakota forever,
And you never, ever,
ever told us
That we would be affected
by artifacts!
You want to guess how many times
I've been whammied?
- That's what this is about.
You think that somehow
An artifact has affected
your health.
Stop second-guessing me,
artie.
That is not
what this is about...
Not at all!
Myka, you've been
whammied again.
- I hate it here!
- Not so fast!
Damn it!
I'm getting old.
I used to be faster
than the kgb.
So this is why
you ran out on us?
You were jonesing
for a corn dog?
Which I would totally get,
by the way.
Why are you harassing
my grandmother?
She didn't do anything wrong.
That's right.
You did!
Idiot girl, you used
mother shipton's cards
On that doofus.
- It's doofer.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
You?
I-I thought you liked
the doofus.
Oswald.
- You do?
You like me?
Like, like like me?
So then why curse him?
He could have been hurt.
- I know, and I'm so sorry.
I was...I didn't mean for anyone
to get hurt.
I was just trying
to help ozzie.
That I know he has
so he could become a knight.
So, when he came into the tent,
I pretended to be dooriya.
I didn't know it was gonna
be dangerous.
Of course it's dangerous!
Idiot girl!
Mother shipton created tragedy
across all of England.
- Well, then let's make sure
Those cards don't cause
any more.
- All right, watch your eyes.
- Nice trick.
All right,
now that we know ozzie's
Off the hook,
how about some corn dogs?
No, wait!
This cannot be stopped.
The cards have been dealt.
They foretold that the doofus
will become a hero,
So become a hero he must
or die trying.
I usually get paid
for this kind of information.
Did she say "die"?
Like, die die?
- Yes, die!
- Die!
- No one's gonna die, okay?
Steve, why don't you help oswald
pick out a nice hat.
- Let's go buy a hat.
- Does he really have to die?
Either he's a hero
or a dead doofus.
- Okay, so how do we fix this?
Oswald is the only one
who can fix it.
He must become...
- a hero, right...
As you said.
Is there any other way?
- Or he could die!
- Would you stop saying that?
The cards are presenting
oswald with opportunities.
He should have been the one
to call 911
Or to rescue
that little girl...
Or kept steve
out of checkmate.
He could be a hero.
I know he can.
- Really?
Have you seen him?
I mean, really looked at him?
- Well, she has a point.
The cards will continue
to challenge him until he does.
All right, well, I guess it's
time for oswald to knight up.
His goal is to win
the princess, and to do that,
So the cards will probably
challenge him there.
- The time...I must go.
I have an exorcism
in 20 minutes.
- Okay, explain something to me.
If you really like this guy,
Why would you help him win
the princess?
Because when you really
love someone,
You want them to be happy,
even if it isn't with you.
Wow.
My ex-girlfriends had more of...
a scorched-earth policy.
Don't let anything
happen to him?
Don't worry.
I'm on it.
Now that I know
where and when,
I'll make sure the odds
are stacked in his favor.
Good, because the last card
that I dealt him...
Was "death."
Myka, please.
Don't, don't!
no. No!
Talking down to me
does not help!
Look, I'm not talking
down to you.
I'm just talking you down.
See the difference?
See, all this rage...don't!
Oh, oh!
All this rage is just 'cause
you've been whammied.
- It's not just that.
- That's right.
- It's everything.
- Right.
- It's this place.
- Uh-huh.
- It's a thousand things.
- I understand.
Do you know that I went
through my cancer scare alone?
- Uh, yeah.
- Do you know that?
- I'm sure.
- Alone!
yes, I know.
And...and you didn't
really need to.
You...you chose to keep it
to yourself, see?
And what if I spend the rest
of my life alone?
Is that my fault too?
Is that what you're saying?
Answer the question!
- Oh, my god.
The music box.
- Unh.
You shot me?
Well, it wasn't really
a shot, per se...
More like
an aggressive hello.
- You shot me!
It just makes me angrier!
Oy yay, oy yay, oy yay!
Gather round!
'tis time for the royal
tournament to begin!
- No, no, no, I can't.
- Oh, yeah.
I-I can't.
I can't. I can't.
- Yes, you can.
- No.
- There you go. That a boy.
- Uh-oh.
how?
With clear eyes
and a full heart...
You can't lose.
I'm nearsighted,
and I have arrhythmia.
Look, dude,
you can do this, okay?
You have to.
Otherwise they're just gonna
keep coming,
And you don't want to be chased
your whole life, do you, huh?
All you have to do
is beat this last card.
How bad can it be?
- Well, you had to ask.
who challenges me?
You?
- Me? Oh, him.
- Prepare to die, mortal!
- No, no, no, no, no, no!
He's got to do this himself.
whoa, whoa.
No, I can't do this.
- No, no, no, you're doing it!
- I can't...
- ozzie, no, you're good.
You're doing great.
Keep him in the game, okay?
I got an idea.
- Hey, no!
- I can't.
You're a knight now.
Use your sword.
Aah!
here, catch!
Ozzie, here!
Unh!
- Ozzie, look out!
Nothing is worth this,
not even the princess!
- Hey, where you going?
- Coward!
- Leave me alone!
- Catarina!
I'll take you instead.
No!
All: Huzzah!
Hip-hip, huzzah!
Hip-hip, huzzah!
we did it.
Both:
? I don't want to fall asleep
? 'cause I miss you, babe
? and I don't want
to miss a thing ?
oh, I don't.
I don't want to miss a thing.
Will you tell me everything that
happened while I was sleeping?
Ooh!
Well, that could take a minute.
We need snacks.
- Okay.
Mom and dad must be
so proud of you.
Claire...
Um...
Listen, mom and dad...
Mom and dad aren't
with us anymore.
- What do you mean?
They're gone.
They were...
They were in the car accident
that put you in a coma.
- They were?
- Claire, please!
- No!
The car?
That car.
They're dead?
I'm starting to remember.
I know I should have told
you sooner.
I just...I-I didn't know...
- but I wasn't.
I saw it.
I saw the crash...
So I couldn't ha...
I wasn't in the car, was I?
- No...
You weren't.
You...it's...
it's very complicated.
I-I...
Is your sister there with you
right now?
Great.
Myka told you.
Yeah, listen,
everything's okay.
No...
Actually, it isn't!
Don't defend him.
He shot me!
guys, get back!
- Oh.
I'm sorry.
I'm really, really,
really sorry, really!
I just...I thought that...
- Bob dylan's bus transfer?
Volta's biscuit barrel?
You think
I didn't already think of that?
Look, the music box
does not work that way.
ooh!
- Look, the energy
Has to be transferred
into a living human being.
If you'd only asked me, I wo...
can't we just tesla her?
in addition
to the strong possibility
That myka might be extremely
upset by being shot again,
There's also the issue
of the energy from the tesla
Boosting
her telekinetic energy, so...
- So, what, then?
- Catch, artie!
Oh, it's not artie.
It's me.
Hi. Just giving claire
the grand tour.
Nobody knows the stacks
like myka.
You remember claire, right?
- Hey, again, myka.
- Hello, claire.
- Nice of you to drop in.
- I'm sorry, myka.
- Oh!
We only have a few minutes
and not many options.
Well, you're not gonna put
myka in a coma, artie.
You can't.
- Claudia, not her...
Me.
He has to, don't you?
Seeing her like that,
I remember now.
The music box, how angry
I could get, mom and dad.
- It wasn't your fault.
I know. I know.
But somebody has to do it...
No, no, I'm not gonna
let you go back to that.
There has to be something.
- No, but there's not!
You've tried everything,
haven't you?
For 15 years.
I'm sorry, claire.
- It's okay.
- No. No!
I was there too.
I knew the music box
was dangerous.
Put me in the coma.
- No, claudia.
I will not let you or myka
or anyone else suffer.
Listen to me.
Thank you for today.
If I only get one day,
I am so, so glad I got this one.
I love you, little sister,
And I am counting on you
to fix all of this.
- We have to do this now.
- Okay.
Wait.
? when I grow up
Both:
? I'll be stable
Both:
? when I grow up
? I'll turn the tables
- I'll find a way.
I promise.
all right.
Yeah.
I now pronounce thee
sir oswald the lionheart.
All: Huzzah!
And offer thee my fair
daughter's hand in marriage.
uh, gramercy, your majesty.
It pains me greatly,
but I must decline.
Verily, my heart belongs
to another.
- You knew, didn't you?
You knew that oswald
would save her,
So you told catarina
to run in the ring.
- Well, jinksy, my friend,
I had a feeling
that ozzie could be a hero
For someone he really
cared about.
Oh, look,
someone got left out.
Can't let that happen,
now, can we?
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, uh, I don't know
if you doth realize it or not,
But, uh, I was pretty helpful
with yon knight over there.
ooh.
- Yeah, well.
- That's so exciting.
You want to go get a chai latte?
- I wanted to show you this.
- What is this?
- Claire.
It's all about claire.
- Yeah.
Like I said, I've been working
on her problem
For the last 15 years.
I'm sorry, claudia.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you
about claire...
Sooner.
I didn't want you to go
through all that pain.
I've always done...
I always will do anything
To keep you from getting hurt.
Please don't hug me.
The only thing that could make
this worse is you seeing me cry.
Okay, from now on,
we do everything together.
That goes for you too.
We're a family here,
And none of us has to go
through anything alone...
Ever.
damn it.