WKRP in Cincinnati (1978–1982): Season 3, Episode 10 - Daydreams - full transcript
Mr Carlson has to give a speech at a Broadcasters Dinner, so he rehearses his speech at work. It is boring, so everyone starts to daydream. Each of them think about the job they would rather have than working at the station.
YOU'RE BEING
RIDICULOUS, MR. CARLSON.
- I AM BEING ME.
- NO, YOU'RE NOT. NOT THE REAL YOU.
- THE REAL ME?
- YES, BORN LEADER,
GOOD SPORTSMAN, THE
EPITOME OF STYLE AND GRACE.
COME ON, THAT
DOESN'T DESCRIBE ME.
NO, NO, IT DOESN'T. BUT LET
ME EXPLAIN WHY I SAID THAT.
YOU'RE TRYING TO TALK ME INTO
SOMETHING I DON'T WANT TO DO.
THAT HURTS, MR. CARLSON.
THAT REALLY HURTS.
I'M SORRY, ANDY.
I'M UNDER STRESS.
YES, AND THE WAY TO
ALLEVIATE THAT STRESS
IS TO GO OUT TONIGHT
AND GIVE THAT SPEECH.
YOU ARE TRYING
TO TALK ME INTO IT.
YES, I AM, BUT I'M
DOING IT FOR YOU.
- I'M FRIGHTENED.
- WE'RE ALL A LITTLE FRIGHTENED,
JUST IN GENERAL.
DON'T YOU REALIZE THE
NUMBER-ONE FEAR OF ALL AMERICANS
IS THE FEAR OF SPEAKING IN
FRONT OF A GROUP OF PEOPLE?
YEAH, YEAH, I READ THAT.
THE FEAR OF DEATH CAME IN THIRD.
YOU LISTEN TO ME. THIS IS A
VERY IMPORTANT EVENING FOR YOU.
THE BROADCASTERS' DINNER...
WELL, IT'S NOT THAT BIG A GROUP.
NO, BUT THEY CAN BE MEAN.
AND THIS IS A BORING SPEECH.
I KNOW IT IS, ANDY. IT'S
DULL, DULL, DULL, DULL.
NO, IT IS NOT DULL, DULL,
DULL. IT'S FASCINATING.
- WAIT A MINUTE.
- ANDY...
- NO.
- COME ON!
JENNIFER,
COULD YOU COME IN A
SECOND AND JUST HELP ME OUT?
- HOW MAY I HELP?
- MR. CARLSON IS FRIGHTENED.
- YES.
- HE'S GOT A SPEECH TONIGHT.
- OH, YES.
- HE'S BEEN LOOKING
FORWARD TO THIS FOR WEEKS,
- AND HE'S CHICKENING OUT.
- UH-HUH.
WELL, THEN, WHAT HE MUST DO IS GO
THROUGH A DESENSITIZATION PROCESS.
FEAR COMES FROM NOT
KNOWING WHAT WILL HAPPEN.
IF YOU REHEARSE YOUR
SPEECH IN FRONT OF
PEOPLE YOU KNOW, YOU'LL
FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS.
ONCE HE REALIZES THAT PEOPLE ARE
INTERESTED IN WHAT HE HAS TO SAY,
HE'LL FEEL MUCH BETTER.
PERHAPS HE CAN GIVE THE
SPEECH FOR US THIS AFTERNOON.
THAT'S A WONDERFUL IDEA.
WAIT A MINUTE, JENNIFER. DID
ANDY GET YOU TO SAY THAT?
MR. CARLSON, NOBODY EVER
GETS ME TO DO ANYTHING.
- THAT'S TRUE.
- WHAT ABOUT IT? HUH? BE GOOD PRACTICE.
WELL, AH... I GUESS.
JENNIFER, COULD YOU GET EVERYONE
TOGETHER IN THE BULLPEN, PLEASE?
OH, ALL RIGHTY. ANOTHER GOOD
TRICK FOR CONQUERING FEAR
IS TO IMAGINE YOUR
AUDIENCES COMPLETELY NAKED.
REALLY?
UH-HUH.
"NAKED."
GOOD GRAVY. MM!
WELL, GOT MY 3X5 CARDS.
- YOU KNOW, NO REASON.
- WAIT A MINUTE. WILL YOU JUST...
I PROMISE.
♪ BABY, IF YOU'VE
EVER WONDERED ♪
♪ WONDERED WHATEVER
BECAME OF ME ♪
♪ I'M LIVIN' ON THE
AIR IN CINCINNATI ♪
♪ CINCINNATI, WKRP ♪
♪ GOT KIND OF TIRED OF
PACKIN' AND UNPACKIN' ♪
♪ TOWN TO TOWN, UP
AND DOWN THE DIAL ♪
♪ MAYBE YOU AND ME
WERE NEVER MEANT TO BE ♪
♪ JUST MAYBE THINK
OF ME ONCE IN A WHILE ♪
♪ I'M AT WKRP IN CINCINNATI ♪
TONIGHT, MR. CARLSON
HAS THE HONOR
OF DELIVERING THE
KEYNOTE ADDRESS
AT THE ANNUAL OHIO
BROADCASTERS' DINNER.
OH, GOD.
SINCE NONE OF YOU
PEOPLE ARE NICE ENOUGH
TO HAVE BEEN INVITED
TO THAT FUNCTION,
I'VE ASKED MR. CARLSON
TO PREVIEW THAT TALK FOR US,
AND HE HAS GRACIOUSLY AGREED.
SO, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THE INCREDIBLE... ART CARLSON.
COME ON.
THANK YOU, THANK
YOU, THANK YOU. THAT'S...
- REMEMBER WHAT I SAID.
- HUH? ABOUT WH... OH.
MR. CARLSON.
MR. CARL... THE SPEECH?
OH, YES. EXCUSE
ME. THE-THE SPEECH.
RADIO... WHAT IS IT?
WHERE DID IT COME FROM,
AND WHERE IS IT GOING?
OH, NO.
WHO WOULD'VE THOUGHT
THAT BACK IN 1920,
WHEN STATION KDKA IN
PITTSBURGH WAS GRANTED
THE FIRST COMMERCIAL LICENSE
THAT RADIO WOULD'VE
BECOME WHAT IT HAS.
IF ANY OF YOU HERE CAN
REMEMBER BACK TO THOSE TIMES,
YOU'RE PROBABLY QUITE OLD,
SO I'LL SPEAK UP
IF YOU WANT ME TO.
LET'S ASK OURSELVES,
WHAT IS RADIO'S
IMPORTANCE TO US ALL?
HOW IMPORTANT IS IT?
DOES IT AFFECT OUR LIVES?
TO ANSWER THAT
QUESTION, LET ME BEGIN
BY ASKING YOU A QUESTION.
WHY IS IT THE RADIO STATION
IS ALWAYS THE FIRST THING THAT
GETS CAPTURED DURING A REVOLUTION
IN ONE OF LITTLE TEMPERAMENTAL
SOUTHERN COUNTRIES?
INTERESTING THOUGHT.
WELL, IF YOU WANT TO
TAKE OVER A COUNTRY,
YOU NEED TO COMMUNICATE
WITH THE PEOPLE.
YOU MUST THEREFORE HAVE...
Herb's voice: FORGIVE
ME, DARLING.
I'M SORRY FOR THESE
CONSTANT INTERRUPTIONS.
THEY CANNOT BE
AVOIDED. I HAVE MY DUTIES.
SI.
I SAID I DID NOT WISH TO
DISCUSS IT ANY FURTHER.
GRACIAS.
- I'M SORRY, MY DEAR.
- OH, FRANCO.
THERE'S BEEN SOME REBEL
ACTION TODAY NEAR ESTEBAN,
BUT IT IS OF NO GREAT CONCERN.
I WOULDN'T WANT TO TAKE YOU
AWAY FROM YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES.
IF ANYONE COULD,
IT WOULD BE YOU.
BUT... I AM A SERVANT
TO MY PEOPLE.
MY PEOPLE ARE MY CHILDREN,
SO I AM THEIR FATHER.
I DON'T SMOKE.
AH, YES, OF COURSE.
IT'S ALL SO BEAUTIFUL HERE.
PERHAPS WE CAN
DINE TOMORROW NIGHT
ON MY YACHT.
THE LIGHTS FROM YESERO
ARE PARTICULARLY
BEAUTIFUL AT DUSK.
THEY TAKE MY MIND AWAY
FROM MORE SERIOUS MATTERS.
EVEN AS A BOY, WHEN
I WOULD GO OUT ALONE
ON THE SMALL SLOOP MY
FATHER HAD GIVEN ME...
DID YOU KNOW...
THAT THE WATERS
HERE ARE VERY WARM,
EVEN AT MIDNIGHT?
OH, YOUR HIGHNESS,
YOU ARE SO KIND, SO
GIVING, SO STRONG,
AND I WOULDN'T WANT TO CAUSE YOU ANY
MORE PROBLEMS THAN YOU ALREADY HAVE, BUT...
I THINK I MIGHT BE VERY
MUCH IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE.
IT IS POSSIBLE
THAT I TOO MAY BE IN
LOVE WITH SOMEONE.
THE POPE... HAS AGAIN
REFUSED THE DIVORCE.
RICARDO CALLED ME
TODAY FROM ROME.
HE SAYS THE SITUATION
IS QUITE IMPOSSIBLE.
I UNDERSTAND, YOUR HIGHNESS.
SOMETIMES RELIGION
CAN BE SO INCONVENIENT.
BUT WE HAVE TONIGHT.
AND THE NIGHT AFTER.
OH, NO. I HAVE SO
MUCH MORE THAN THAT.
I HAVE THE MEMORY
OF ALL THESE NIGHTS,
AND TO HIDE THEM
AWAY UNDER MY PILLOW.
MY DARLING.
SORRY, BIG G...
SORRY, BIG GUY.
IT'S JUST THAT, UH,
YOUR SPEECH JUST MADE
ME WANT TO JUMP UP.
AH. WELL, THANK YOU, HERB.
IT'S JUST THAT,
WELL, RADIO, TO ME...
OH, GOSH, I DON'T
KNOW. WHAT CAN I SAY?
GO ON, MR. CARLSON.
WELL, TO PICK UP WHERE I WAS...
RADIO ENTERED THE '30s
LIKE A SPEEDING LOCOMOTIVE.
SUDDENLY THERE WERE
BIG-TIME RADIO STARS.
THESE BIG-TIME RADIO
STARS WENT TO HOLLYWOOD,
BECAME BIG-TIME MOVIE STARS.
PERHAPS IT MIGHT BE INTERESTING
AT THIS TIME TO EXPLAIN...
Jennifer's voice: NO, PLEASE.
I'M SORRY, BUT I JUST
COULDN'T POSSIBLY
EVEN ENTERTAIN THE THOUGHT.
I'M SORRY. PLEASE UNDERSTAND.
I WAS OUT VERY LATE LAST NIGHT,
AND NOW I'M INDISPOSED.
THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M NOT RECEIVING ANYONE.
IF THEY BRING A GIFT,
OF COURSE, ACCEPT IT,
BUT THEN BE A DEAR
AND SHOO THEM AWAY.
THAT'S RIGHT.
I MUST GO.
I KNEW YOU'D COME.
Cary Grant: JENNIFER,
MY DARLING,
I DIDN'T WANT TO DISTURB YOU,
TO BURDEN YOU
WITH MY PETTY NEEDS,
BUT TRY AS I MIGHT,
THERE'S NO WAY
I CAN STAY AWAY FROM YOU.
SIT DOWN, CARY.
THERE'S NO ONE I'D RATHER
LOUNGE AROUND THE
HOUSE WITH THAN YOU.
I WAS WONDERING IF YOU
COULD POUR SOMETHING STICKY
ALL OVER ME.
Mr. Carlson: AS LEO
TOLSTOY HAS SAID SO WELL
SO MANY TIMES,
"ART SHOULD EDUCATE
AS WELL AS ENTERTAIN,"
AND SO SHOULD RADIO.
TOLSTOY SAID THAT ABOUT RADIO?
NO, TOLSTOY SAID THAT ABOUT ART.
I ADDED THE PART ABOUT RADIO.
THAT'S INTERESTING,
BECAUSE YOUR NAME IS ART.
AS I WAS SAYING, IN 1937,
THE CBS RADIO NETWORK
SENT EDWARD R. MURROW
TO COVER THE SECOND WORLD WAR...
OH, BOY. HE'S MY HERO.
YEAH.
AND BY DOING SO,
CHANGED THE FACE
OF RADIO FOREVER.
WHO CAN FORGET THE
MEN, THE MACHINES,
THE INVASIONS, THE
BLITZ, THE RATIONING,
THE GENERAL UNPLEASANTRIES?
LONDON AT THAT TIME
WAS A CITY CUT OFF
EXCEPT FOR THE UNENDING
SUPPLY OF MATERIEL FROM AMERICA.
AND, OF COURSE, RADIO.
Les's voice: THIS IS LONDON,
ON FIRE TONIGHT, AS IT HAS
BEEN FOR THE LAST 10 DAYS.
BUT WHILE IT IS A CITY AFLAME,
IT IS ALSO A CITY UNVANQUISHED.
HITLER HAS CERTAINLY
MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE,
FOR HERE THERE IS
RENEWED DETERMINATION.
EVEN AS WE WITNESS THE
UNIMAGINABLE DESTRUCTION
AND INHUMANITY BELOW,
WE WITNESS ALSO THE
IRON-WILL RESOLVE OF A PEOPLE.
THAT RESOLVE IS ONE FLAME
THAT CANNOT BE EXTINGUISHED.
THIS IS LESTER NESSMAN,
HIGH ATOP WESTMINSTER ABBEY,
SAYING GOOD NIGHT TO ALL AMERICA
FROM THIS VALIANT ISLE.
LES, PLEASE!
YOU MUST GET OFF
OF THIS BUILDING!
IT'S TOO DANGEROUS!
NO. THE BOMBS HAVE STOPPED
THEIR PITTER-PATTER
THUMP FOR TONIGHT.
IT'S COLD.
DO YOU MIND?
NO, I DON'T MIND.
THE WORLD COULD USE A
LITTLE HUMAN CLOSENESS
RIGHT ABOUT NOW.
I GUESS I OUGHT TO BE
GETTING BACK TO THE HOTEL,
HAVE A FEW DRINKS
WITH WALTER AND ERIC,
AND THEN DROP OFF INTO
SOME DREAMLESS ABYSS,
FORGETTING THAT I HAVEN'T
EATEN SINCE YESTERDAY.
CAN I DRIVE YOU?
SURE, TOOTS. YOU'RE MY DRIVER.
- YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY.
- WHAT'S THAT?
OH, I HATE THIS DAMN WAR,
BUT I LOVE IT TOO,
BECAUSE IT BROUGHT US TOGETHER.
YES, I GUESS THAT
IS FUNNY, IN A WAY.
LES, WHEN THIS
WHOLE THING IS OVER,
WHERE WILL YOU AND I BE?
WHO KNOWS?
AND WHO'S TO SAY IT'LL
EVER REALLY BE OVER?
IT'S THE AXIS POWERS
NOW, BUT AFTER THAT,
THE RUSSIAN BEAR
IS A HUNGRY ONE.
DON'T FORGET I SAID THAT.
BUT WHAT ABOUT US?
"US"?
YOU CRAZY KID.
DON'T YOU REALIZE THAT IN THIS
GONE-MAD, COCKAMAMIE WORLD,
THE LIVES OF TWO PEOPLE LIKE US
DON'T AMOUNT TO A HILL OF BEANS,
EVEN IF I AM THE VOICE
ALL THE U.S.A. RUSHES
HOME TO HEAR EVERY NIGHT?
I GUESS IF AMERICA DOES
GO TO WAR IN EUROPE,
IT'LL BE BECAUSE OF WHAT
THEY'VE HEARD ME SAY.
AND... ME?
YOU'RE MY DRIVER.
YES.
DON'T FORGET, TOOTS,
AT LEAST WE'LL
ALWAYS HAVE PARIS.
WE HAVEN'T BEEN TO PARIS.
I KNOW. WHAT I MEAN IS,
PARIS WILL ALWAYS BE THERE.
I SEE.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
WHY DON'T I MEET YOU AT THE CAR?
OKAY.
ALL I KNOW IS,
WHEREVER BRAVE MEN ARE
SPENDING THEIR LIVES FOR FREEDOM,
I'LL BE THERE.
WHEREVER INTERNATIONALLY
KNOWN JOURNALISTS
ARE GATHERED FOR
A DRINK, I'LL BE THERE.
WHEREVER BOMBS ARE EXPLODING,
I'LL BE THERE.
WHEREVER...
Mr. Carlson: AH, BUT THAT WAS
YESTERDAY. THIS IS TODAY.
WHO AND WHAT DO WE
INFLUENCE TODAY, AND HOW?
IT'S AN EXCITING
THOUGHT, ISN'T IT?
ONE OF MY MOST EXCITING
PERSONAL MEMORIES
OF RECENT TIMES IS WHEN
PRESIDENT FORD
VISITED OUR QUEEN CITY.
I REMEMBER WE SENT A
REMOTE OUT TO THE AIRPORT...
Johnny: I JUST DON'T THINK THIS
RECEPTION IS GONNA GO WELL TOMORROW.
HERE'S YOUR TEA, DARLING.
I SWEAR, I THINK THE LAST TENANTS
TOOK HALF THE SILVER WITH THEM.
WE'VE GOT 500 GUESTS
INVITED. IT'S JUST...
WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
"DON'T WORRY
ABOUT IT"? OH, GREAT.
IT'S FOLLOWED BY A
SIT-DOWN DINNER FOR 500.
"DON'T WORRY ABOUT
IT." I AM DOING MY BEST
TO KEEP THE SOCIAL
CALENDAR TOGETHER,
AND I JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE
YOU'RE GIVING ME ANY HELP AT ALL.
- ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?
- HUH?
TSK. I'M SORRY.
I'VE GOT A LOT OF
THINGS ON MY MIND.
I KNOW YOU DO, DARLING.
IT'S JUST THAT I FEEL SO...
DISTANT, SO... LEFT OUT.
WELL, I'LL MAKE IT UP TO YOU
AND THE KIDS THIS WEEKEND.
THANK YOU.
DO YOU THINK
IT'D BE OKAY IF I...
I BROUGHT SOME FRIENDS BY
THE ROSE GARDEN ON FRIDAY?
SURE. I'LL BE AT CAMP
DAVID MOST OF THE DAY.
OH. THANK YOU.
WHAT?
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU. I'M
HONORED. ETCETERA.
"TO THE BRAND NEW
PRIME MINISTER..."
NO.
"TO OUR RECENTLY
RECOGNIZED FRIENDS
IN THE ASIAN COMMUNITY..."
GOOD. HA. "WE SAY..."
Mr. Carlson: WHO IS IT
THAT MAKES RADIO RUN?
WELL, IT'S THE DEDICATED MEN
AND WOMEN LIKE YOURSELVES
WHO RUN THE STATIONS.
AND DON'T THINK RUNNING A
STATION IS EASY. FAR FROM IT.
BRINGING A STATION TOGETHER
UNDER A SINGLE BANNER OF LEADERSHIP
IS NO EASY TASK.
YOU MUST INSPIRE
CONFIDENCE AND RESPECT.
Andy's voice: TELL ME, HERB,
IS YOUR FAMILY WELL?
YES, ANDREW.
Andy: YOUR CHILDREN?
THE CHILDREN ARE FINE.
AND YOUR WIFE?
THE WIFE IS FINE.
THEY ALL SEND THEIR RESPECTS.
THAT'S NICE.
VENUS TELLS ME THAT
YOU HAVE A PROBLEM.
HOW IS IT I MAY HELP YOU?
I NEED A FAVOR, ANDREW.
I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THIS
ACCOUNT NOW FOR A MONTH,
AND I'VE DONE
EVERYTHING I CAN DO,
BUT THIS GUY JUST WON'T SIGN.
WELL, PERHAPS I
SHOULD SPEAK WITH HIM.
IF YOU COULD, ANDREW,
I'M SURE HE'D FALL IN LINE.
I'D DO ANYTHING TO
GET THIS ACCOUNT.
MAYBE THE DAY WILL COME
WHEN I WILL ASK YOU
TO RETURN THE FAVOR.
OF COURSE.
THANK YOU.
MAY I?
WITH ALL DUE RESPECT.
FORGIVE ME BARGING IN.
AH. FORGIVING YOU IS
ALWAYS A PLEASURE, JENNIFER.
I NEED A FAVOR, ANDREW.
VENUS, PERHAPS
YOU COULD LOOK INTO
THAT MATTER WE DISCUSSED
EARLIER THIS MORNING.
FEVER?
JENNIFER, HOW IS
IT I MIGHT HELP YOU?
IT'S HERB.
HE'S CAUSING YOU A PROBLEM?
EVERY DAY, IT'S THE SAME THING:
BAD PUNS, STUPID
SEXIST COME-ONS,
RIDICULOUS
CLOTHES... IT'S BORING.
WHAT IS IT THAT
YOU WANT ME TO DO?
I WOULD LIKE YOU TO MAKE
HERB GET OFF THE PLANET.
I'LL RIGHT. I'LL SPEAK WITH HIM.
I'M SURE HE'LL BE
HAPPY TO DO ME A FAVOR.
THANK YOU, ANDREW.
AND PERHAPS ONE DAY
YOU CAN DO ME A FAVOR IN RETURN.
OH, THAT WOULD BE FUN.
Johnny: HEY, HEY, HEY, HONEY.
KEEP WALKING LIKE THAT, HUH?
HEY, ANDY. HOW YOU DOIN'?
JOHNNY, SO NICE OF YOU TO COME.
HEY, I GUESS YOU KNOW
WHY YOU'RE HERE, HUH?
I THINK 'CAUSE VENUS
ASKED ME TO COME.
MORE A QUESTION OF MY BEING
CONCERNED FOR YOUR WELFARE.
- OH, I'M OKAY.
- IT'S A QUESTION OF,
HOW SHOULD I SAY,
I SAY, RESPECT.
YOU KNOW, NOT JUST FOR ME
BUT FOR THE ORGANIZATION.
I'VE NEVER BEEN GOOD IN
LARGE GROUPS. YOU KNOW THAT.
JOHNNY, JOHNNY, JOHNNY, JOHNNY.
HEY, I GOT A PROBLEM HERE.
I'M ASKING FOR YOUR HELP.
WHAT PROBLEM? I
MEAN, WE'RE FAMILY, HUH?
THAT'S TRUE.
BUT THAT SHOULDN'T
KEEP YOU FROM PLAYING...
THE PLAYLIST.
YOU SEE, I'M ASKING YOU
TO PLAY THE TOP-10 HITS.
OKAY, I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL.
I'LL PLAY HALF THE LIST.
THAT'S ALL I CAN DO.
ANDREW, YOU'RE NOT
GONNA PUSH ME AROUND.
HEY, THANK YOU SO
MUCH FOR COMING, HUH?
IT'S OKAY.
GET ME OUT OF THIS,
VENUS. TALK TO HIM, HUH?
I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.
YES.
YOU DO IT TONIGHT,
WHILE I'M AT THE SPEECH.
Mr. Carlson: OF COURSE, THE MAIN
THING I MISS ON RADIO IS COMEDY.
NOWADAYS, THEY JUST
PLAY WHAT'S CALLED MUSIC.
THERE WILL NEVER AGAIN
BE GIANTS LIKE FRED ALLEN,
GEORGE AND GRACIE
BURNS, W.C. FIELDS...
Man's voice: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
FLYTRAP PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS
AMERICA'S FAVORITE
FUNNYMAN, VENUS FLYTRAP!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WOW, LOOK AT THIS CROWD.
WHOO! THANK YOU.
LOVE YOU. LOVE YOU.
LOOK AT ALL THESE PEOPLE
HERE JUST TO SEE ME.
HEY, AM I TOUCHED.
I WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT I REALLY CARE ABOUT
YOU BEING HERE, I REALLY DO.
Man: WE LOVE YOU, BABY!
I LOVE YOU. OH, FRANKIE. SAMMY.
WAYNE, THANK YOU
FOR THE BELT, BABY.
HEY, WHAT ABOUT THIS TOWN, HUH?
I WAS IN A CASINO LAST NIGHT.
IS THAT PLACE CRAZY OR WHAT?
Man: HERE HE GOES!
AND WHAT ABOUT THAT IRAN
STUFF? IS THAT A COUNTRY OR A JOKE?
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
AND WHAT ABOUT THOSE
AIRPORTS? ARE THEY SOMETHING?
HOW MANY OF YOU FOLKS OUT
THERE ARE MARRIED? COME ON.
UH-HUH. UH-HUH. DO I
HAVE TO SAY ANY MORE?
- THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
- Man: YOU'RE NOT FUNNY!
- WHAT WAS THAT?
- YOU STINK!
THAT'S MY COLOGNE...
EAU DE MOTORCYCLE.
WHERE DID THEY GET THIS GUY?
THANKS FOR CARING, SIR.
THEY GOT ME FROM HEAVEN.
HEY, WHAT ABOUT THAT
DARN SOLAR SYSTEM, HUH?
Man: GET OFF THE EARTH!
ISN'T IT SAD WHEN
COUSINS MARRY? HUH?
Man: THAT'S A MARTIN MULL JOKE.
AND IT'S STILL SAD
WHEN COUSINS MARRY.
Man: I GUESS YOU'RE
PROOF OF THAT.
SIR, DO I TELL YOU
HOW TO DO YOUR JOB?
Man: PROBABLY BECAUSE YOU DON'T
KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT EITHER.
FEVER! HEY, MAN, THAT'S FEVER!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
AND, OF COURSE,
CONTEMPORARY MUSIC.
IN THE AREA OF ROCK AND
ROLL, THAT FIELD IS DOMINATED
BY THE GROUPS AND
INDIVIDUAL STARS
WHOSE SONGS SPEAK
FOR ENTIRE GENERATIONS.
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
YOU'RE SIX HOURS LATE!
I HAD SOME PERSONAL
BUSINESS TO TAKE CARE OF.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT. BABY,
WE LOVE YOU, WE LOVE YOU.
DON'T LISTEN TO HIM,
SWEETIE. WE LOVE YOU.
- GET THAT GIRL OUT OF THERE.
- CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?
GET ON STAGE! GET ON STAGE!
SOLLY, GREAT TO SEE YOU.
HEY, BABY! THE STUFF IS HERE!
- OH, CRAZY, CRAZY.
- WHO IS THAT GUY?
- THIS IS MY JAMAICAN DOCTOR.
- I LOVE YOU!
I LOVE YOU TOO.
Announcer: HE'S HERE,
THE STAR OF OUR SHOW...
THE INCREDIBLE ART CARLSON!
SPELLBINDING, BIG GUY.
- YOU REALLY THINK SO?
- FASCINATING.
OH, MR. CARLSON, I
HUNG ON EVERY WORD.
I DON'T KNOW WHEN I'VE HEARD
A MORE INTERESTING TALK.
YEAH, REALLY. THE
GETTYSBURG ADDRESS OF RADIO.
- IT'S A GUARANTEED KILLER.
- HUH?
DOGGONE IT, ANDY, THAT
WAS A GREAT IDEA OF YOURS.
I FEEL SO MUCH MORE
CONFIDENT ABOUT TONIGHT.
- WELL, SEE, THAT WAS THE IDEA.
- AMAZING.
"AMAZING" IS NOT THE WORD.
YEAH. BOY, LIKE THEY
WERE MESMERIZED.
HOW DID YOU LIKE THAT
PART ABOUT F.M. RADIO?
WHO?
OH. SEE, THAT WAS
MY FAVORITE PART.
THAT CUTE LITTLE COMMENT
I MADE ABOUT MARCONI?
- WHO WAS THAT?
- MARCONI.
MARCONI. OH, THAT
WAS MY FAVORITE PART.
YEAH. I SHOULD TALK MORE
OFTEN. WHAT DO YOU THINK?
ABSOLUTELY.
FRANKLY, ANDY, I
THINK I STUNNED 'EM.
YEAH, I THINK YOU DID.
RIDICULOUS, MR. CARLSON.
- I AM BEING ME.
- NO, YOU'RE NOT. NOT THE REAL YOU.
- THE REAL ME?
- YES, BORN LEADER,
GOOD SPORTSMAN, THE
EPITOME OF STYLE AND GRACE.
COME ON, THAT
DOESN'T DESCRIBE ME.
NO, NO, IT DOESN'T. BUT LET
ME EXPLAIN WHY I SAID THAT.
YOU'RE TRYING TO TALK ME INTO
SOMETHING I DON'T WANT TO DO.
THAT HURTS, MR. CARLSON.
THAT REALLY HURTS.
I'M SORRY, ANDY.
I'M UNDER STRESS.
YES, AND THE WAY TO
ALLEVIATE THAT STRESS
IS TO GO OUT TONIGHT
AND GIVE THAT SPEECH.
YOU ARE TRYING
TO TALK ME INTO IT.
YES, I AM, BUT I'M
DOING IT FOR YOU.
- I'M FRIGHTENED.
- WE'RE ALL A LITTLE FRIGHTENED,
JUST IN GENERAL.
DON'T YOU REALIZE THE
NUMBER-ONE FEAR OF ALL AMERICANS
IS THE FEAR OF SPEAKING IN
FRONT OF A GROUP OF PEOPLE?
YEAH, YEAH, I READ THAT.
THE FEAR OF DEATH CAME IN THIRD.
YOU LISTEN TO ME. THIS IS A
VERY IMPORTANT EVENING FOR YOU.
THE BROADCASTERS' DINNER...
WELL, IT'S NOT THAT BIG A GROUP.
NO, BUT THEY CAN BE MEAN.
AND THIS IS A BORING SPEECH.
I KNOW IT IS, ANDY. IT'S
DULL, DULL, DULL, DULL.
NO, IT IS NOT DULL, DULL,
DULL. IT'S FASCINATING.
- WAIT A MINUTE.
- ANDY...
- NO.
- COME ON!
JENNIFER,
COULD YOU COME IN A
SECOND AND JUST HELP ME OUT?
- HOW MAY I HELP?
- MR. CARLSON IS FRIGHTENED.
- YES.
- HE'S GOT A SPEECH TONIGHT.
- OH, YES.
- HE'S BEEN LOOKING
FORWARD TO THIS FOR WEEKS,
- AND HE'S CHICKENING OUT.
- UH-HUH.
WELL, THEN, WHAT HE MUST DO IS GO
THROUGH A DESENSITIZATION PROCESS.
FEAR COMES FROM NOT
KNOWING WHAT WILL HAPPEN.
IF YOU REHEARSE YOUR
SPEECH IN FRONT OF
PEOPLE YOU KNOW, YOU'LL
FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS.
ONCE HE REALIZES THAT PEOPLE ARE
INTERESTED IN WHAT HE HAS TO SAY,
HE'LL FEEL MUCH BETTER.
PERHAPS HE CAN GIVE THE
SPEECH FOR US THIS AFTERNOON.
THAT'S A WONDERFUL IDEA.
WAIT A MINUTE, JENNIFER. DID
ANDY GET YOU TO SAY THAT?
MR. CARLSON, NOBODY EVER
GETS ME TO DO ANYTHING.
- THAT'S TRUE.
- WHAT ABOUT IT? HUH? BE GOOD PRACTICE.
WELL, AH... I GUESS.
JENNIFER, COULD YOU GET EVERYONE
TOGETHER IN THE BULLPEN, PLEASE?
OH, ALL RIGHTY. ANOTHER GOOD
TRICK FOR CONQUERING FEAR
IS TO IMAGINE YOUR
AUDIENCES COMPLETELY NAKED.
REALLY?
UH-HUH.
"NAKED."
GOOD GRAVY. MM!
WELL, GOT MY 3X5 CARDS.
- YOU KNOW, NO REASON.
- WAIT A MINUTE. WILL YOU JUST...
I PROMISE.
♪ BABY, IF YOU'VE
EVER WONDERED ♪
♪ WONDERED WHATEVER
BECAME OF ME ♪
♪ I'M LIVIN' ON THE
AIR IN CINCINNATI ♪
♪ CINCINNATI, WKRP ♪
♪ GOT KIND OF TIRED OF
PACKIN' AND UNPACKIN' ♪
♪ TOWN TO TOWN, UP
AND DOWN THE DIAL ♪
♪ MAYBE YOU AND ME
WERE NEVER MEANT TO BE ♪
♪ JUST MAYBE THINK
OF ME ONCE IN A WHILE ♪
♪ I'M AT WKRP IN CINCINNATI ♪
TONIGHT, MR. CARLSON
HAS THE HONOR
OF DELIVERING THE
KEYNOTE ADDRESS
AT THE ANNUAL OHIO
BROADCASTERS' DINNER.
OH, GOD.
SINCE NONE OF YOU
PEOPLE ARE NICE ENOUGH
TO HAVE BEEN INVITED
TO THAT FUNCTION,
I'VE ASKED MR. CARLSON
TO PREVIEW THAT TALK FOR US,
AND HE HAS GRACIOUSLY AGREED.
SO, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THE INCREDIBLE... ART CARLSON.
COME ON.
THANK YOU, THANK
YOU, THANK YOU. THAT'S...
- REMEMBER WHAT I SAID.
- HUH? ABOUT WH... OH.
MR. CARLSON.
MR. CARL... THE SPEECH?
OH, YES. EXCUSE
ME. THE-THE SPEECH.
RADIO... WHAT IS IT?
WHERE DID IT COME FROM,
AND WHERE IS IT GOING?
OH, NO.
WHO WOULD'VE THOUGHT
THAT BACK IN 1920,
WHEN STATION KDKA IN
PITTSBURGH WAS GRANTED
THE FIRST COMMERCIAL LICENSE
THAT RADIO WOULD'VE
BECOME WHAT IT HAS.
IF ANY OF YOU HERE CAN
REMEMBER BACK TO THOSE TIMES,
YOU'RE PROBABLY QUITE OLD,
SO I'LL SPEAK UP
IF YOU WANT ME TO.
LET'S ASK OURSELVES,
WHAT IS RADIO'S
IMPORTANCE TO US ALL?
HOW IMPORTANT IS IT?
DOES IT AFFECT OUR LIVES?
TO ANSWER THAT
QUESTION, LET ME BEGIN
BY ASKING YOU A QUESTION.
WHY IS IT THE RADIO STATION
IS ALWAYS THE FIRST THING THAT
GETS CAPTURED DURING A REVOLUTION
IN ONE OF LITTLE TEMPERAMENTAL
SOUTHERN COUNTRIES?
INTERESTING THOUGHT.
WELL, IF YOU WANT TO
TAKE OVER A COUNTRY,
YOU NEED TO COMMUNICATE
WITH THE PEOPLE.
YOU MUST THEREFORE HAVE...
Herb's voice: FORGIVE
ME, DARLING.
I'M SORRY FOR THESE
CONSTANT INTERRUPTIONS.
THEY CANNOT BE
AVOIDED. I HAVE MY DUTIES.
SI.
I SAID I DID NOT WISH TO
DISCUSS IT ANY FURTHER.
GRACIAS.
- I'M SORRY, MY DEAR.
- OH, FRANCO.
THERE'S BEEN SOME REBEL
ACTION TODAY NEAR ESTEBAN,
BUT IT IS OF NO GREAT CONCERN.
I WOULDN'T WANT TO TAKE YOU
AWAY FROM YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES.
IF ANYONE COULD,
IT WOULD BE YOU.
BUT... I AM A SERVANT
TO MY PEOPLE.
MY PEOPLE ARE MY CHILDREN,
SO I AM THEIR FATHER.
I DON'T SMOKE.
AH, YES, OF COURSE.
IT'S ALL SO BEAUTIFUL HERE.
PERHAPS WE CAN
DINE TOMORROW NIGHT
ON MY YACHT.
THE LIGHTS FROM YESERO
ARE PARTICULARLY
BEAUTIFUL AT DUSK.
THEY TAKE MY MIND AWAY
FROM MORE SERIOUS MATTERS.
EVEN AS A BOY, WHEN
I WOULD GO OUT ALONE
ON THE SMALL SLOOP MY
FATHER HAD GIVEN ME...
DID YOU KNOW...
THAT THE WATERS
HERE ARE VERY WARM,
EVEN AT MIDNIGHT?
OH, YOUR HIGHNESS,
YOU ARE SO KIND, SO
GIVING, SO STRONG,
AND I WOULDN'T WANT TO CAUSE YOU ANY
MORE PROBLEMS THAN YOU ALREADY HAVE, BUT...
I THINK I MIGHT BE VERY
MUCH IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE.
IT IS POSSIBLE
THAT I TOO MAY BE IN
LOVE WITH SOMEONE.
THE POPE... HAS AGAIN
REFUSED THE DIVORCE.
RICARDO CALLED ME
TODAY FROM ROME.
HE SAYS THE SITUATION
IS QUITE IMPOSSIBLE.
I UNDERSTAND, YOUR HIGHNESS.
SOMETIMES RELIGION
CAN BE SO INCONVENIENT.
BUT WE HAVE TONIGHT.
AND THE NIGHT AFTER.
OH, NO. I HAVE SO
MUCH MORE THAN THAT.
I HAVE THE MEMORY
OF ALL THESE NIGHTS,
AND TO HIDE THEM
AWAY UNDER MY PILLOW.
MY DARLING.
SORRY, BIG G...
SORRY, BIG GUY.
IT'S JUST THAT, UH,
YOUR SPEECH JUST MADE
ME WANT TO JUMP UP.
AH. WELL, THANK YOU, HERB.
IT'S JUST THAT,
WELL, RADIO, TO ME...
OH, GOSH, I DON'T
KNOW. WHAT CAN I SAY?
GO ON, MR. CARLSON.
WELL, TO PICK UP WHERE I WAS...
RADIO ENTERED THE '30s
LIKE A SPEEDING LOCOMOTIVE.
SUDDENLY THERE WERE
BIG-TIME RADIO STARS.
THESE BIG-TIME RADIO
STARS WENT TO HOLLYWOOD,
BECAME BIG-TIME MOVIE STARS.
PERHAPS IT MIGHT BE INTERESTING
AT THIS TIME TO EXPLAIN...
Jennifer's voice: NO, PLEASE.
I'M SORRY, BUT I JUST
COULDN'T POSSIBLY
EVEN ENTERTAIN THE THOUGHT.
I'M SORRY. PLEASE UNDERSTAND.
I WAS OUT VERY LATE LAST NIGHT,
AND NOW I'M INDISPOSED.
THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M NOT RECEIVING ANYONE.
IF THEY BRING A GIFT,
OF COURSE, ACCEPT IT,
BUT THEN BE A DEAR
AND SHOO THEM AWAY.
THAT'S RIGHT.
I MUST GO.
I KNEW YOU'D COME.
Cary Grant: JENNIFER,
MY DARLING,
I DIDN'T WANT TO DISTURB YOU,
TO BURDEN YOU
WITH MY PETTY NEEDS,
BUT TRY AS I MIGHT,
THERE'S NO WAY
I CAN STAY AWAY FROM YOU.
SIT DOWN, CARY.
THERE'S NO ONE I'D RATHER
LOUNGE AROUND THE
HOUSE WITH THAN YOU.
I WAS WONDERING IF YOU
COULD POUR SOMETHING STICKY
ALL OVER ME.
Mr. Carlson: AS LEO
TOLSTOY HAS SAID SO WELL
SO MANY TIMES,
"ART SHOULD EDUCATE
AS WELL AS ENTERTAIN,"
AND SO SHOULD RADIO.
TOLSTOY SAID THAT ABOUT RADIO?
NO, TOLSTOY SAID THAT ABOUT ART.
I ADDED THE PART ABOUT RADIO.
THAT'S INTERESTING,
BECAUSE YOUR NAME IS ART.
AS I WAS SAYING, IN 1937,
THE CBS RADIO NETWORK
SENT EDWARD R. MURROW
TO COVER THE SECOND WORLD WAR...
OH, BOY. HE'S MY HERO.
YEAH.
AND BY DOING SO,
CHANGED THE FACE
OF RADIO FOREVER.
WHO CAN FORGET THE
MEN, THE MACHINES,
THE INVASIONS, THE
BLITZ, THE RATIONING,
THE GENERAL UNPLEASANTRIES?
LONDON AT THAT TIME
WAS A CITY CUT OFF
EXCEPT FOR THE UNENDING
SUPPLY OF MATERIEL FROM AMERICA.
AND, OF COURSE, RADIO.
Les's voice: THIS IS LONDON,
ON FIRE TONIGHT, AS IT HAS
BEEN FOR THE LAST 10 DAYS.
BUT WHILE IT IS A CITY AFLAME,
IT IS ALSO A CITY UNVANQUISHED.
HITLER HAS CERTAINLY
MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE,
FOR HERE THERE IS
RENEWED DETERMINATION.
EVEN AS WE WITNESS THE
UNIMAGINABLE DESTRUCTION
AND INHUMANITY BELOW,
WE WITNESS ALSO THE
IRON-WILL RESOLVE OF A PEOPLE.
THAT RESOLVE IS ONE FLAME
THAT CANNOT BE EXTINGUISHED.
THIS IS LESTER NESSMAN,
HIGH ATOP WESTMINSTER ABBEY,
SAYING GOOD NIGHT TO ALL AMERICA
FROM THIS VALIANT ISLE.
LES, PLEASE!
YOU MUST GET OFF
OF THIS BUILDING!
IT'S TOO DANGEROUS!
NO. THE BOMBS HAVE STOPPED
THEIR PITTER-PATTER
THUMP FOR TONIGHT.
IT'S COLD.
DO YOU MIND?
NO, I DON'T MIND.
THE WORLD COULD USE A
LITTLE HUMAN CLOSENESS
RIGHT ABOUT NOW.
I GUESS I OUGHT TO BE
GETTING BACK TO THE HOTEL,
HAVE A FEW DRINKS
WITH WALTER AND ERIC,
AND THEN DROP OFF INTO
SOME DREAMLESS ABYSS,
FORGETTING THAT I HAVEN'T
EATEN SINCE YESTERDAY.
CAN I DRIVE YOU?
SURE, TOOTS. YOU'RE MY DRIVER.
- YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY.
- WHAT'S THAT?
OH, I HATE THIS DAMN WAR,
BUT I LOVE IT TOO,
BECAUSE IT BROUGHT US TOGETHER.
YES, I GUESS THAT
IS FUNNY, IN A WAY.
LES, WHEN THIS
WHOLE THING IS OVER,
WHERE WILL YOU AND I BE?
WHO KNOWS?
AND WHO'S TO SAY IT'LL
EVER REALLY BE OVER?
IT'S THE AXIS POWERS
NOW, BUT AFTER THAT,
THE RUSSIAN BEAR
IS A HUNGRY ONE.
DON'T FORGET I SAID THAT.
BUT WHAT ABOUT US?
"US"?
YOU CRAZY KID.
DON'T YOU REALIZE THAT IN THIS
GONE-MAD, COCKAMAMIE WORLD,
THE LIVES OF TWO PEOPLE LIKE US
DON'T AMOUNT TO A HILL OF BEANS,
EVEN IF I AM THE VOICE
ALL THE U.S.A. RUSHES
HOME TO HEAR EVERY NIGHT?
I GUESS IF AMERICA DOES
GO TO WAR IN EUROPE,
IT'LL BE BECAUSE OF WHAT
THEY'VE HEARD ME SAY.
AND... ME?
YOU'RE MY DRIVER.
YES.
DON'T FORGET, TOOTS,
AT LEAST WE'LL
ALWAYS HAVE PARIS.
WE HAVEN'T BEEN TO PARIS.
I KNOW. WHAT I MEAN IS,
PARIS WILL ALWAYS BE THERE.
I SEE.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
WHY DON'T I MEET YOU AT THE CAR?
OKAY.
ALL I KNOW IS,
WHEREVER BRAVE MEN ARE
SPENDING THEIR LIVES FOR FREEDOM,
I'LL BE THERE.
WHEREVER INTERNATIONALLY
KNOWN JOURNALISTS
ARE GATHERED FOR
A DRINK, I'LL BE THERE.
WHEREVER BOMBS ARE EXPLODING,
I'LL BE THERE.
WHEREVER...
Mr. Carlson: AH, BUT THAT WAS
YESTERDAY. THIS IS TODAY.
WHO AND WHAT DO WE
INFLUENCE TODAY, AND HOW?
IT'S AN EXCITING
THOUGHT, ISN'T IT?
ONE OF MY MOST EXCITING
PERSONAL MEMORIES
OF RECENT TIMES IS WHEN
PRESIDENT FORD
VISITED OUR QUEEN CITY.
I REMEMBER WE SENT A
REMOTE OUT TO THE AIRPORT...
Johnny: I JUST DON'T THINK THIS
RECEPTION IS GONNA GO WELL TOMORROW.
HERE'S YOUR TEA, DARLING.
I SWEAR, I THINK THE LAST TENANTS
TOOK HALF THE SILVER WITH THEM.
WE'VE GOT 500 GUESTS
INVITED. IT'S JUST...
WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
"DON'T WORRY
ABOUT IT"? OH, GREAT.
IT'S FOLLOWED BY A
SIT-DOWN DINNER FOR 500.
"DON'T WORRY ABOUT
IT." I AM DOING MY BEST
TO KEEP THE SOCIAL
CALENDAR TOGETHER,
AND I JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE
YOU'RE GIVING ME ANY HELP AT ALL.
- ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?
- HUH?
TSK. I'M SORRY.
I'VE GOT A LOT OF
THINGS ON MY MIND.
I KNOW YOU DO, DARLING.
IT'S JUST THAT I FEEL SO...
DISTANT, SO... LEFT OUT.
WELL, I'LL MAKE IT UP TO YOU
AND THE KIDS THIS WEEKEND.
THANK YOU.
DO YOU THINK
IT'D BE OKAY IF I...
I BROUGHT SOME FRIENDS BY
THE ROSE GARDEN ON FRIDAY?
SURE. I'LL BE AT CAMP
DAVID MOST OF THE DAY.
OH. THANK YOU.
WHAT?
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU. I'M
HONORED. ETCETERA.
"TO THE BRAND NEW
PRIME MINISTER..."
NO.
"TO OUR RECENTLY
RECOGNIZED FRIENDS
IN THE ASIAN COMMUNITY..."
GOOD. HA. "WE SAY..."
Mr. Carlson: WHO IS IT
THAT MAKES RADIO RUN?
WELL, IT'S THE DEDICATED MEN
AND WOMEN LIKE YOURSELVES
WHO RUN THE STATIONS.
AND DON'T THINK RUNNING A
STATION IS EASY. FAR FROM IT.
BRINGING A STATION TOGETHER
UNDER A SINGLE BANNER OF LEADERSHIP
IS NO EASY TASK.
YOU MUST INSPIRE
CONFIDENCE AND RESPECT.
Andy's voice: TELL ME, HERB,
IS YOUR FAMILY WELL?
YES, ANDREW.
Andy: YOUR CHILDREN?
THE CHILDREN ARE FINE.
AND YOUR WIFE?
THE WIFE IS FINE.
THEY ALL SEND THEIR RESPECTS.
THAT'S NICE.
VENUS TELLS ME THAT
YOU HAVE A PROBLEM.
HOW IS IT I MAY HELP YOU?
I NEED A FAVOR, ANDREW.
I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THIS
ACCOUNT NOW FOR A MONTH,
AND I'VE DONE
EVERYTHING I CAN DO,
BUT THIS GUY JUST WON'T SIGN.
WELL, PERHAPS I
SHOULD SPEAK WITH HIM.
IF YOU COULD, ANDREW,
I'M SURE HE'D FALL IN LINE.
I'D DO ANYTHING TO
GET THIS ACCOUNT.
MAYBE THE DAY WILL COME
WHEN I WILL ASK YOU
TO RETURN THE FAVOR.
OF COURSE.
THANK YOU.
MAY I?
WITH ALL DUE RESPECT.
FORGIVE ME BARGING IN.
AH. FORGIVING YOU IS
ALWAYS A PLEASURE, JENNIFER.
I NEED A FAVOR, ANDREW.
VENUS, PERHAPS
YOU COULD LOOK INTO
THAT MATTER WE DISCUSSED
EARLIER THIS MORNING.
FEVER?
JENNIFER, HOW IS
IT I MIGHT HELP YOU?
IT'S HERB.
HE'S CAUSING YOU A PROBLEM?
EVERY DAY, IT'S THE SAME THING:
BAD PUNS, STUPID
SEXIST COME-ONS,
RIDICULOUS
CLOTHES... IT'S BORING.
WHAT IS IT THAT
YOU WANT ME TO DO?
I WOULD LIKE YOU TO MAKE
HERB GET OFF THE PLANET.
I'LL RIGHT. I'LL SPEAK WITH HIM.
I'M SURE HE'LL BE
HAPPY TO DO ME A FAVOR.
THANK YOU, ANDREW.
AND PERHAPS ONE DAY
YOU CAN DO ME A FAVOR IN RETURN.
OH, THAT WOULD BE FUN.
Johnny: HEY, HEY, HEY, HONEY.
KEEP WALKING LIKE THAT, HUH?
HEY, ANDY. HOW YOU DOIN'?
JOHNNY, SO NICE OF YOU TO COME.
HEY, I GUESS YOU KNOW
WHY YOU'RE HERE, HUH?
I THINK 'CAUSE VENUS
ASKED ME TO COME.
MORE A QUESTION OF MY BEING
CONCERNED FOR YOUR WELFARE.
- OH, I'M OKAY.
- IT'S A QUESTION OF,
HOW SHOULD I SAY,
I SAY, RESPECT.
YOU KNOW, NOT JUST FOR ME
BUT FOR THE ORGANIZATION.
I'VE NEVER BEEN GOOD IN
LARGE GROUPS. YOU KNOW THAT.
JOHNNY, JOHNNY, JOHNNY, JOHNNY.
HEY, I GOT A PROBLEM HERE.
I'M ASKING FOR YOUR HELP.
WHAT PROBLEM? I
MEAN, WE'RE FAMILY, HUH?
THAT'S TRUE.
BUT THAT SHOULDN'T
KEEP YOU FROM PLAYING...
THE PLAYLIST.
YOU SEE, I'M ASKING YOU
TO PLAY THE TOP-10 HITS.
OKAY, I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL.
I'LL PLAY HALF THE LIST.
THAT'S ALL I CAN DO.
ANDREW, YOU'RE NOT
GONNA PUSH ME AROUND.
HEY, THANK YOU SO
MUCH FOR COMING, HUH?
IT'S OKAY.
GET ME OUT OF THIS,
VENUS. TALK TO HIM, HUH?
I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.
YES.
YOU DO IT TONIGHT,
WHILE I'M AT THE SPEECH.
Mr. Carlson: OF COURSE, THE MAIN
THING I MISS ON RADIO IS COMEDY.
NOWADAYS, THEY JUST
PLAY WHAT'S CALLED MUSIC.
THERE WILL NEVER AGAIN
BE GIANTS LIKE FRED ALLEN,
GEORGE AND GRACIE
BURNS, W.C. FIELDS...
Man's voice: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
FLYTRAP PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS
AMERICA'S FAVORITE
FUNNYMAN, VENUS FLYTRAP!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WOW, LOOK AT THIS CROWD.
WHOO! THANK YOU.
LOVE YOU. LOVE YOU.
LOOK AT ALL THESE PEOPLE
HERE JUST TO SEE ME.
HEY, AM I TOUCHED.
I WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT I REALLY CARE ABOUT
YOU BEING HERE, I REALLY DO.
Man: WE LOVE YOU, BABY!
I LOVE YOU. OH, FRANKIE. SAMMY.
WAYNE, THANK YOU
FOR THE BELT, BABY.
HEY, WHAT ABOUT THIS TOWN, HUH?
I WAS IN A CASINO LAST NIGHT.
IS THAT PLACE CRAZY OR WHAT?
Man: HERE HE GOES!
AND WHAT ABOUT THAT IRAN
STUFF? IS THAT A COUNTRY OR A JOKE?
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
AND WHAT ABOUT THOSE
AIRPORTS? ARE THEY SOMETHING?
HOW MANY OF YOU FOLKS OUT
THERE ARE MARRIED? COME ON.
UH-HUH. UH-HUH. DO I
HAVE TO SAY ANY MORE?
- THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
- Man: YOU'RE NOT FUNNY!
- WHAT WAS THAT?
- YOU STINK!
THAT'S MY COLOGNE...
EAU DE MOTORCYCLE.
WHERE DID THEY GET THIS GUY?
THANKS FOR CARING, SIR.
THEY GOT ME FROM HEAVEN.
HEY, WHAT ABOUT THAT
DARN SOLAR SYSTEM, HUH?
Man: GET OFF THE EARTH!
ISN'T IT SAD WHEN
COUSINS MARRY? HUH?
Man: THAT'S A MARTIN MULL JOKE.
AND IT'S STILL SAD
WHEN COUSINS MARRY.
Man: I GUESS YOU'RE
PROOF OF THAT.
SIR, DO I TELL YOU
HOW TO DO YOUR JOB?
Man: PROBABLY BECAUSE YOU DON'T
KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT EITHER.
FEVER! HEY, MAN, THAT'S FEVER!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
AND, OF COURSE,
CONTEMPORARY MUSIC.
IN THE AREA OF ROCK AND
ROLL, THAT FIELD IS DOMINATED
BY THE GROUPS AND
INDIVIDUAL STARS
WHOSE SONGS SPEAK
FOR ENTIRE GENERATIONS.
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
YOU'RE SIX HOURS LATE!
I HAD SOME PERSONAL
BUSINESS TO TAKE CARE OF.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT. BABY,
WE LOVE YOU, WE LOVE YOU.
DON'T LISTEN TO HIM,
SWEETIE. WE LOVE YOU.
- GET THAT GIRL OUT OF THERE.
- CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?
GET ON STAGE! GET ON STAGE!
SOLLY, GREAT TO SEE YOU.
HEY, BABY! THE STUFF IS HERE!
- OH, CRAZY, CRAZY.
- WHO IS THAT GUY?
- THIS IS MY JAMAICAN DOCTOR.
- I LOVE YOU!
I LOVE YOU TOO.
Announcer: HE'S HERE,
THE STAR OF OUR SHOW...
THE INCREDIBLE ART CARLSON!
SPELLBINDING, BIG GUY.
- YOU REALLY THINK SO?
- FASCINATING.
OH, MR. CARLSON, I
HUNG ON EVERY WORD.
I DON'T KNOW WHEN I'VE HEARD
A MORE INTERESTING TALK.
YEAH, REALLY. THE
GETTYSBURG ADDRESS OF RADIO.
- IT'S A GUARANTEED KILLER.
- HUH?
DOGGONE IT, ANDY, THAT
WAS A GREAT IDEA OF YOURS.
I FEEL SO MUCH MORE
CONFIDENT ABOUT TONIGHT.
- WELL, SEE, THAT WAS THE IDEA.
- AMAZING.
"AMAZING" IS NOT THE WORD.
YEAH. BOY, LIKE THEY
WERE MESMERIZED.
HOW DID YOU LIKE THAT
PART ABOUT F.M. RADIO?
WHO?
OH. SEE, THAT WAS
MY FAVORITE PART.
THAT CUTE LITTLE COMMENT
I MADE ABOUT MARCONI?
- WHO WAS THAT?
- MARCONI.
MARCONI. OH, THAT
WAS MY FAVORITE PART.
YEAH. I SHOULD TALK MORE
OFTEN. WHAT DO YOU THINK?
ABSOLUTELY.
FRANKLY, ANDY, I
THINK I STUNNED 'EM.
YEAH, I THINK YOU DID.