WKRP in Cincinnati (1978–1982): Season 2, Episode 24 - Most Improved Station - full transcript

AND THE CINCINNATI
BROADCASTERS' AWARD

FOR THE AIR
PERSONALITY OF THE YEAR

IN A STATION OF
5,000 WATTS OR LESS

GOES TO...

THESE AWARDS ARE DUMB,
MAN. I MEAN, REALLY DUMB.

THE AWARD GOES
TO DR. JOHNNY FEVER.

(cheering)

SEE, LES? YOU DIDN'T WIN, BUT
JOHNNY DID. ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL?

I GUESS I HAVE A LOT
OF PEOPLE TO THANK,

SO I'LL START WITH ALL
OF MY FRIENDS AT WKRP...

AND, UH, MY
12th-GRADE TEACHER...



AND, UH, THIS INCREDIBLY
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN

TO MY RIGHT.

THANK YOU, ALL OF YOU.

COME ON THIS WAY.

I THINK WE'RE A SHOO-IN FOR THE
"MOST IMPROVED STATION" AWARD.

- YOU THINK SO, JENNIFER?
- ABSOLUTELY, LES.

WE CAME FROM 16th TO 14th PLACE.

BESIDES, IT'S
POLITICAL. I FIXED IT.

REALLY, HERB?

AND NOW, FOR THE
MOST IMPROVED STATION

IN THE GREATER CINCINNATI
AREA, THE NOMINEES ARE:

WREQ...

WTNA... AND WKRP.

OH, THANK YOU, HERB! THANK YOU!



- CONGRATULATIONS.
- WE HAVEN'T WON YET, LES.

NOW, LISTEN.

AND THE WINNER IS... COME
ON UP HERE, YOU CRAZIES.

"CRAZIES"? THAT'S US!
THAT'S US! THE CRAZIES!

YES! (laughing)

GO AHEAD.

- WTNA.
- (people applauding)

WHAT? THIS THING'S
SUPPOSED TO BE FIXED!

(shouting indistinctly)

NO!

♪ BABY, IF YOU'VE
EVER WONDERED ♪

♪ WONDERED WHATEVER
BECAME OF ME ♪

♪ I'M LIVIN' ON THE
AIR IN CINCINNATI ♪

♪ CINCINNATI, WKRP ♪

♪ GOT KIND OF TIRED OF
PACKIN' AND UNPACKIN' ♪

♪ TOWN TO TOWN, UP
AND DOWN THE DIAL ♪

♪ MAYBE YOU AND ME
WERE NEVER MEANT TO BE ♪

♪ JUST MAYBE THINK
OF ME ONCE IN A WHILE ♪

♪ I'M AT WKRP IN CINCINNATI ♪

(vocalizing rock music)

GOOD MORNING, JOHNNY.

UH, JOHNNY BOY!
HELLO! IT'S ME, BAILEY!

- JOHNNY? JOHNNY!
- (loudly) HEY, BAILEY!

- HI!
- WHAT'S HAPPENING?

- WHAT'S WITH THE TUX?
- T...

- (music blaring)
- (indistinct)

(volume lowers)

OH.

SO, IS THIS YOUR,
UH, LITTLE PRIZE?

YEAH.

DO I DETECT A NOTE
OF ENVY IN YOUR VOICE?

NONE AT ALL.

SO...

WHERE DID YOU
DISAPPEAR TO LAST NIGHT?

BOY, YOU REMEMBER THAT
LITTLE PRESENTER, CELESTE?

I DON'T THINK I'M
INTERESTED IN HEARING THIS.

OKAY. LET'S JUST SAY

IT WAS AN AWARD-WINNING
NIGHT ALL THE WAY AROUND.

YOU ARE A SLEAZEBAG, JOHNNY.

THANK YOU, BAILEY.

MORNING, LES. OH, LES,

I'M REALLY SORRY THAT YOU
DIDN'T WIN THE AWARD LAST NIGHT,

BUT THAT'S LIFE;
THOSE ARE THE BREAKS.

(screaming)

FRUIT OF THE LOOMS
A LITTLE TIGHT?

THAT WAS A PRIMAL SCREAM, JOHN.

I READ ABOUT IT IN A BOOK.

IT DOESN'T WORK
FOR ME, BUT I DO IT.

UH, LES, HOW ABOUT IF
I GET YOU SOME COFFEE

AND A NICE PLATE
FULL OF DANISHES?

- WELL...
- IT'LL MAKE YOU
FEEL BETTER.

AS LONG AS YOU'RE VOLUNTEERING, I
COULD USE ANOTHER PAIL OF COFFEE HERE.

OH! HOW RUDE OF ME

NOT TO HAVE ASKED
THE BIG WINNER.

PERHAPS I SHOULD STRAP THE COFFEE
MACHINE ON MY BACK. IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE?

NO, BUT I WOULD LIKE
ONE OF THOSE DANISHES

YOU'RE GONNA GET FOR LES, OKAY?

- (screams)
- THAT'S VERY GOOD.

OH, JENNIFER, WHAT
HAPPENED TO US LAST NIGHT?

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

I MEAN, HOW DID
WE LET THAT AWARD

SLIP THROUGH OUR
FINGERS LIKE THAT?

- SOMETHING'S WRONG.
- OH, YOU'LL WIN NEXT YEAR.

NO, NO. SOMETHING'S WRONG HERE.

I'VE GIVEN TRAVIS TOO MUCH
OF A FREE HAND AROUND HERE.

I GOT TO TAKE CHARGE.

MR. CARLSON, THIS NEW
CHANGE IS NOT GONNA WORK.

I TALKED TO TRAVIS, BUT ALL HE
DID WAS GIVE ME THE RUNAROUND.

LISTEN, VENUS, I'M AWARE
OF THE CIRCUMSTANCES HERE,

AND I'M GONNA TAKE STEPS TO
RECTIFY THAT PROBLEM IMMEDIATELY.

WELL, THANKS, MR. CARLSON.

ANYTIME, VENUS. ANYTIME.

THAT'S HOW YOU HANDLE
THINGS AROUND HERE.

WHAT WAS HE TALKING ABOUT?

ANDY MOVED VENUS'S SHOW UP AN
HOUR TO GIVE HIM MORE DRIVE TIME.

- OH.
- VENUS DOESN'T LIKE IT. HE'S VERY ANGRY.

- TOUGH.
- YOU JUST OVERRULED ANDY.

- GOOD.
- NONE OF THIS CONFUSES YOU?

- NO.
- OKAY.

- (door opens)
- GOOD MORNING.

- FOR SOME.
- FINE.

- (door shuts)
- YOU'RE UNDERMINING
MY AUTHORITY WITH THE DEEJAYS.

- I AM NOT.
- YOU JUST TOLD VENUS

HE DIDN'T HAVE TO DO WHAT
I TOLD HIM HE HAD TO DO.

- NOW, THAT MAKES ME
SOUND LIKE A FOOL.
- YOU CAN TAKE IT.

I THOUGHT I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE
RESPONSIBLE FOR PROGRAMMING THIS STATION.

"RESPONS... "YOU'RE
TALKING TO ME "RESPONS..."

I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT
RESPONSIBILITY, BUDDY.

RUNNING THIS STATION
IS A 24-HOUR-A-DAY JOB.

WHAT DO YOU THINK I
DO AROUND HERE? SLEEP?

- YES, I DO.
- DAMN RIGHT, I SLEEP.

SOMETIMES I WAKE UP,
AND WHEN I WAKE UP,

I WAKE UP WORRIED, AND THAT'S
WHAT I CALL RESPONSIBLE, TRAVIS.

- ARE YOU SAYING THAT
I'M NOT RESPONSIBLE?
- WELL, SOMETHING'S WRONG.

WAIT A MINUTE. LET ME TELL YOU
HOW MY MORNING'S BEEN GOING SO FAR.

VENUS IS ANGRY, LES IS SUICIDAL,

BAILEY'S ON SOME IRRATIONAL
TEAR ABOUT COFFEE OR SOMETHING,

AND HERB IS... HERB.

WHAT'S YOUR POINT,
TRAVIS? YOU BLAMING ME?

NO, I'M NOT. I'M JUST SAYING WE
SHOULD HAVE A STAFF MEETING

AND STRAIGHTEN THESE THINGS OUT.

- YOU KNOW I DON'T
LIKE MEETINGS.
- MR. CARLSON,

THIS IS ALMOST IMPORTANT.

ALL RIGHT, THEN, IF YOU THINK
THIS CALLS FOR A MEETING,

- I'LL CALL FOR A MEETING.
- GOOD. WHEN?

I'LL MAKE AN
EXECUTIVE APPRAISAL...

- GREAT. WHEN?
- I'LL LET YOU KNOW.

WHEN?

WELL, I'LL CALL YOU.

I COULD'VE BEEN A FOREST
RANGER, BUT I TURNED IT DOWN.

I COULD'VE BEEN OUT THERE IN
THE WOODS RIGHT NOW JUST...

WANDERING AROUND.

NOW, YOU TELL ME HOW MY GAS BILL

COULD SUDDENLY GO UP 58 BUCKS.

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU
SOMETHING, PAL...

I'M NOT HANGING UP
TILL I GET AN ANSWER.

- I MEAN, HELL
CAN FREEZE OVER.
- HERB?

MR. CARLSON ASKED ME TO TAKE DOWN
THE DECORATIONS FOR THE VICTORY PARTY.

I'D LIKE YOUR HELP,
AND I'D LIKE IT NOW.

SO WATCH IT.

ALL RIGHTY. I DO YOU A
FAVOR, YOU DO ME A FAVOR.

- JUST GET UP THE LADDER.
- OKAY, FINE.

THAT IS HIS SECOND CUP TODAY.

I SPENT $30,000 ON AN EDUCATION

JUST TO GET COFFEE FOR A DEEJAY?

HE DOESN'T EVEN CHIP IN FOR THE
COFFEE FUND. HOW UNFAIR IS THAT?

I KEEP REMINDING MYSELF

I AM BASICALLY AN EXECUTIVE.

SMILE. BE SMART.
YOU'LL GET YOUR CHANCE.

BAILEY, CAN I HAVE ONE
OF THOSE DANISHES?

SURE.

(door slams)

WELL, I...

I GUESS I'D BETTER
GET CLEANED UP.

- I'LL DO THAT LATER.
- OKAY.

AND, HERB, EVERYONE'S A
LITTLE ON-EDGE AFTER LAST NIGHT,

SO DON'T STIR ANYTHING UP, OKAY?

NOW, WHAT IS THAT
SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

JUST TRY AND BE
NICE TO EVERYBODY.

I AM NICE.

RECOVERED FROM YOUR
CRUSHING DEFEAT YET?

JUST LEAVE ME ALONE, HERB.

OH, COME ON, LES. IT'S
NOT THE END OF THE WORLD.

- IT IS SO.
- NOW, LOOK. YOU'VE GOT YOUR

SILVER-PLATED PIG THING HERE.

THAT IS THE COVETED
SILVER SOW AWARD, HERB.

AND OF COURSE, I'VE GOT MY FIVE

BUCKEYE NEWS HAWK AWARDS,

BUT THAT'S ALL I'VE GOT.

MY CAREER IS ALL THAT'S
EVER MATTERED TO ME, HERB.

YOU'VE GOT A LIFE
OUTSIDE THESE FOUR WALLS.

YOU'VE GOT LUCILLE
AND THE CHILDREN.

YOU'VE GOT A DOG.

HOW LONG CAN A DOG LAST, HERB?

14 YEARS, TOPS.

DON'T BE SUCH A WIMP.

- A WHAT?
- A WIMP.

- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
- A JERK, A CRYBABY,

A WEAKLING, A NOBODY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.

- LET'S GO TO LUNCH.
- LUNCH?!

LUNCH?! (shouting)

- I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
- IT'S YOUR RESPONSIBILITY
TO MENTION THIS TO JOHNNY.

- HAVE YOU ASKED HIM
TO KICK IN MONEY?
- YES, ALL THE TIME.

- OF COURSE. ARE YOU KIDDING?
- HERB, WILL YOU QUIT
PICKING ON LES?

WHAT IS THIS? DUMP
ON TARLEK DAY?

TRAVIS, WE NEED SOME
NEW HEADPHONES IN THERE.

WE NEED EVERYTHING.

- YOU KEEP AWAY FROM THIS
COFFEE, AND I MEAN IT.
- STOP IT! CUT IT OUT!

I CAN'T HAVE ANY COFFEE?

YOU GIVE HIM SOME COFFEE.
YOU KICK IN SOME MONEY.

HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON IN HERE?

GOOD MORNING, GENERAL. THE
TROOPS ARE READY FOR INSPECTION, SIR.

STOP IT, YOU TWO!

KNOCK IT OFF!

TRAVIS, THIS STATION
IS A SHAMBLES.

OH, REALLY, SIR? ACTUALLY, I THINK THE
OPERATION'S RUNNING VERY SMOOTHLY.

WELL, IT'S NOT. AND I'M GONNA
CALL A MEETING ABOUT THAT.

I WANT THE STAFF IN THIS
OFFICE THIS AFTERNOON

EXACTLY AT 2:30...
IS THAT CLEAR?

MEETING? A MEETING?

WELL, NOW, THERE'S A GOOD IDEA.

OH, THANKS. CARRY ON.

(all arguing)

TRAVIS, THANKS A LOT, MAN!

- I COULD'VE BEEN
A FOREST RANGER!
- I DON'T CARE!

- HELLO.
- HI.

- HOW ARE YOU?
- FINE.

- HOW'S IT GOING?
- HI.

HEY.

ALL RIGHT, PLEASE BE SEATED.

OH. UH, THANKS.

NOW, IT'S COME TO MY ATTENTION

THAT SOME OF US...
MAYBE ALL OF US...

AREN'T GETTING ALONG
AS WELL AS WE COULD

OR SHOULD WITH EACH OTHER.

WOULD ANYBODY CARE
TO TALK ABOUT THAT?

DOES ANYONE HERE THINK
THAT WE'VE GOT SOME PROBLEMS?

NOW, UH, I KNOW THAT, UH,

YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT EASY
TO TALK ABOUT THESE THINGS.

HERB AND LES, NOW...

(chuckles) YOU GUYS
ARE REAL GOOD FRIENDS.

BUT DEEP DOWN UNDERNEATH, DON'T
YOU KIND OF HATE EACH OTHER'S GUTS?

HOW ABOUT YOU,
ANDREW? I MEAN, UH,

WOULDN'T THINGS BE A
LITTLE EASIER FOR YOU

IF I WEREN'T AROUND?

HUH?

HMM?

VENUS, UH, FEVER,

SURELY YOU TWO GUYS
HAVE GOT SOME DEEP

UNDERLYING
PROFESSIONAL JEALOUSY.

HUH?

HUH?

JENNIFER AND BAILEY...

NOW, THERE'S GOT TO BE A
LITTLE SOMETHING THERE, RIGHT?

A LITTLE... (exclaims)

NO?

OKAY. I GUESS EVERYTHING...

EVERYTHING'S JUST
FINE HERE THEN, HUH?

JUST MY IMAGINATION, HUH?

(chortles) ALL RIGHT, THE
MEETING'S ADJOURNED.

JENNIFER, YOU CAN PUT THE
PHONE BACK ON THE HOOK.

WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU TOOK THE PHONE OFF THE HOOK?

- YES.
- WHY?

- BECAUSE HE TOLD ME TO.
- WELL, NOW, THAT'S DUMB.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "DUMB"?
- CUSTOMERS COULD BE
CALLING IN.

YOU DON'T HAVE ANY
CUSTOMERS, HERB.

- I WOULD, IF I WORKED
AT ANOTHER STATION.
- THEN WHY DON'T YOU QUIT?

STUFF IT, YOU LOUSY PUNK.

AHA.

AHA. YOU SEE? THERE IT IS.

WE'VE GOT A PROBLEM.

"LOUSY PUNK"...
NOW, THAT'S ROUGH.

MR. CARLSON, I, UM...

I TOOK A GROUP DYNAMICS
COURSE IN COLLEGE,

AND I WAS THINKING
THAT PERHAPS MAYBE

WE COULD BREAK UP INTO DYADS.

AH.

"DYADS"? WHAT'S A DYAD?

IT'S A DRUG.

HERE, LET ME SHOW YOU, OKAY?

UM, ANDY, WOULD YOU
COME OVER HERE, PLEASE?

- COME ON, BAILEY, PLEASE.
- COME ON. YOU COME OVER HERE.

YOU STAND THERE.
OKAY. AND MR. CARLSON,

- I WANT YOU TO
STAND HERE, OKAY?
- OH, BAILEY...

I WANT YOU TO LOOK AT ANDY, AND ANDY, I
WANT YOU TO LOOK AT MR. CARLSON, OKAY?

NOW, JUST SEE EACH OTHER.

GET USED TO ONE
ANOTHER'S... BODIES.

- (Venus whistles)
- HEY, COME ON, HUH?

KNOCK IT OFF, OKAY?

NOW, I WANT YOU TO MOVE

CLOSER TO ONE ANOTHER.

I MEAN, JUST TAKE
ONE STEP AT A TIME.

COME ON. ONE STEP.
COME ON. YOU CAN DO IT.

OH, THAT'S VERY GOOD. OKAY, NOW,

ANDY, COME CLOSER.

OH. THAT'S FINE. OH,
THAT'S JUST GREAT.

A LITTLE LESS RIGID, TRAVIS.

I'M NOT RIGID.

- YOU'RE A LITTLE RIGID, TRAVIS.
- YEAH, YOU ARE A LITTLE RIGID.

NOW... SAY THE FIRST THING

THAT COMES TO YOUR MIND.

COME ON, SAY IT, SAY IT.

COME ON, SAY IT!

- YOU'VE GOT NICE HAIR.
- OH, MY...

THAT'S EMBARRASSING.

BAILEY, WHY DON'T YOU
AND JENNIFER TRY IT?

- WHAT?
- YOU AND JENNIFER DO IT.

- OH, NO.
- (all talking at once)

JENNIFER, DYAD TIME.

- BIG DYAD. LET'S GO.
- WE DON'T NEED TO DO THIS.

- OKAY.
- HMM?

- COME ON.
- HELLO.

- HELLO.
- Johnny: WHAT HONESTY.

BAILEY, COME ON. SAY THE FIRST
THING THAT COMES TO YOUR MIND.

GO AHEAD, SAY IT. YOU
CAN DO IT. GO ON. GO AHEAD.

GO ON, GET USED TO
EACH OTHER'S BODIES.

- OH, I CAN'T DO THIS!
- GOODNESS, GRACIOUS!

- I WANT TO DO THIS
WITH JENNIFER.
- OH, HERB.

LOOK, WE'RE NOT GETTING
ANYWHERE WITH THIS.

I'VE HAD SOME EXPERIENCE
IN THE SAME KIND OF THING,

AND THE FIRST THING WE HAVE TO DO
BEFORE WE DO ANYTHING ELSE IS RELAX.

NOW, COME ON.
EVERYBODY JUST SIT DOWN.

- COME ON. SIT DOWN. COME ON.
- LOOK, I CAN'T RELAX.

JUST SIT DOWN. NOW, I WANT
EVERYBODY TO CLOSE THEIR EYES

AND TO BREATHE DEEPLY.

COME ON. EVERYBODY.
JUST CLOSE YOUR EYES

AND BREATHE IN DEEPLY.

THAT'S GOOD. YES.

THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S RIGHT.

HERB, YOU DON'T HAVE
YOUR EYES CLOSED.

I WAS WATCHING JENNIFER.

WELL, DON'T. JUST PRETEND

YOU'RE ON YOUR
OWN PRIVATE BEACH.

JUST YOU AND THE
WATER. ISN'T THAT NICE?

PICTURE THE SUN,

THE SAND, THE EMERALD SURF.

- I WANT A GIRL.
- HUH?

I WANT A GIRL ON MY BEACH.

OKAY. OKAY, EVERYBODY'S ALONE

EXCEPT JOHNNY, WHO
HAS A GIRL WITH HIM.

- WELL, THAT'S HARDLY FAIR.
- I GIVE UP.

YOU KNOW,

FEVER ALWAYS GETS
PREFERENTIAL TREATMENT.

THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S
EXACTLY RIGHT.

LOOK, NESSMAN, I WON
SOME LOUSY AWARD

AND YOU DIDN'T, AND THAT'S
WHY YOU'RE UPSET, OKAY?

OH, I'M NOT UPSET. I COULDN'T CARE
LESS ABOUT YOUR LOUSY AWARD!

I DON'T CARE ABOUT
IT EITHER, LES.

- REALLY?
- REALLY.

IT IS RECOGNITION, BUT
WHAT ELSE DO DEEJAYS GET?

WE'RE JUST VOICES IN THE AIR,

BUT WE'RE WHAT
MAKES RADIO ALIVE.

AND... WHAT DO WE GET FOR IT?

IT SEEMS LIKE EVERY YEAR,

YOU PACK EVERYTHING UP,
MOVE TO ANOTHER TOWN.

IT GETS HARDER AND HARDER
TO FIND A STATION THAT'LL LET YOU

PROGRAM MUSIC YOU WANT TO PLAY.

AND YOU'RE 40, AND
THERE'S SOME KID

HALF YOUR AGE WHO WILL TAKE YOUR
JOB AND DO IT FOR HALF THE MONEY,

AND THEN YOU FIND YOURSELF
MAKING SILLY DEMANDS...

FREE COFFEE.

BUT THAT'S MY LITTLE
MOMENT OF HONESTY,

SO WE CAN GET BACK
TO THE NONSENSE.

- HERB?
- THANK YOU, JOHN.

- I WAS BORN...
- OH, MAN!

WELL, I WAS.

I MEAN, YOU GUYS THINK
DEEJAYING IS TOUGH.

WELL, YOU OUGHT TO TRY
STEPPING INTO MY SUIT.

IT MUST BE MURDER JUST TRYING
TO MATCH THE TIE WITH THE SHOES.

SOMETIMES I CAN'T DO IT.

UH, EXCUSE ME. UM...
JOHNNY, I APPRECIATE

WHAT YOU SAID EARLIER, AND, UH,

I'M SORRY ABOUT THE COFFEE, AND
I THINK IT SHOULD BE ON THE HOUSE.

NO. I'LL CHIP IN.

NO, WAIT JUST A MINUTE
HERE. WAIT A MINUTE.

THIS MEETING IS STARTING TO
LOSE SOME OF ITS BITTERNESS.

I DON'T THINK THAT'S
A HEALTHY TREND.

NOW, I'M VERY DEPRESSED. I HAVE SOME
QUESTIONS, AND I WANT SOME ANSWERS.

SURE THING.

FIRST OF ALL,

WHY ARE WE ALL
HERE ON THIS PLANET?

AS OPPOSED TO WHERE, LES?

LES, DO YOU HAVE
ANOTHER QUESTION

OF A PERHAPS LESS
PHILOSOPHICAL NATURE?

YES, I DO, TRAVIS! WHY
DON'T I HAVE ANY WALLS?

YOU'RE BEHIND THIS! NO WALLS!

AW, COME ON, LES,
IF YOU HAD WALLS,

THEN HERB HERE WOULD WANT WALLS

AND THEN THE DEEJAYS
WOULD WANT WALLS

AND BAILEY WOULD WANT
WALLS, AND PRETTY SOON

WE'D HAVE A ROOM FULL
OF NOTHING BUT WALLS.

WE DON'T NEED WALLS.

ANDY, CALM DOWN.

WELL, I'M SORRY.

BUT THE POINT OF THIS WHOLE THING IS
THAT WE DON'T NEED TO BUILD MORE WALLS.

WHAT WE NEED TO DO IS WE
NEED TO TEAR DOWN THE WALLS

THAT ALREADY SEPARATE US.

AND I CAN'T BELIEVE
I JUST SAID THAT.

THAT'S THE CORNIEST THING
I'VE EVER SAID IN MY LIFE.

I'M GONNA GO RIGHT BACK
OVER THERE AND BE SICK.

TRAVIS, IN MY OPINION,

THE MANAGEMENT OF THIS
STATION IS NOT RESPONSIVE

TO THE NEEDS OF THE
NEWS DEPARTMENT.

COME ON. HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?

(snoring)

MR. CARLSON... WAKE UP,
MR. CARLSON. WAKE UP.

OH, SURE, YOU PEOPLE HAVE ALL
GOT YOUR PETTY LITTLE PROBLEMS.

WHAT ABOUT ME? HUH?

I'VE GOT TO DEAL WITH MY
MOTHER EVERY SINGLE DAY.

FOLKS, THERE'S A WOMAN

THAT COULD DISARM
PATTON IN A SECOND.

TROUBLE? (wry chuckle)

MY LIFE'S FULL OF TROUBLE.

MY WIFE IS PREGNANT,

MY 12-YEAR-OLD SON WANTS TO JOIN

THE AMERICAN NAZI PARTY.

SURE, I'M CONSERVATIVE,
BUT THAT'S NUTS.

FOR HIS BIRTHDAY, HE
WANTS AN AUTOMATIC WEAPON.

KEEPS TALKING ABOUT
TAKING OHIO FIRST.

- WHAT DOES HE MEAN BY THAT?
- MR. CARLSON, HERE,
SIT DOWN. JUST RELAX.

ANOTHER THING I DON'T
UNDERSTAND, ANDY...

I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW WE
LOST THAT AWARD LAST NIGHT.

I JUST DON'T GET IT.

JENNIFER, COME ON, TELL
ME. WHAT'S HAPPENING?

I DON'T KNOW.

OH, DON'T LIE TO ME.

OKAY.

OKAY. THERE IS A PROBLEM.

WE DIDN'T WIN THE AWARD,

AND NOW EVERYONE'S TRYING
TO BLAME EVERYONE ELSE.

IT'S ONLY NATURAL. IT HAPPENS
IN THE BEST OF FAMILIES.

PEOPLE SPEND A LOT
OF TIME TOGETHER,

AND THEY START TO GET
ON ONE ANOTHER'S NERVES.

HAVE YOU EVER
NOTICED HOW YOU CAN BE

EXTREMELY POLITE
TO A TOTAL STRANGER

AND THEN JUST TURN
RIGHT AROUND AND BE RUDE

TO THE PERSON CLOSEST TO YOU?

WE JUST ALL TAKE ONE
ANOTHER FOR GRANTED.

BUT THINK OF IT THIS WAY:

WHO WOULD WANT TO COME
TO WORK TOMORROW IF...

IF, SAY, LES WASN'T HERE?

HE'S FAMILY.

AND THERE'S MR. CARLSON,
THE OCCASIONALLY CONFUSED

BUT ALWAYS CONCERNED FATHER;

ANDY, THE SUCCESS-ORIENTED,
COMPETENT,

TIGHT-PANTED SON;

LES...

LES, THE CONSISTENTLY
STRANGE, BOOKISH BROTHER;

AND HERB, THE
SEMI-LOVABLE TROUBLEMAKER

AND GENERAL JACKASS;

JOHNNY, THE WEATHER-BEATEN UNCLE

WHO ALWAYS WANTED
TO BE A SAILOR.

NO, THAT'S NOT RIGHT. I
NEVER COULD NAIL YOU DOWN.

AND VENUS, THE
SPIRITUAL, LOVING BROTHER;

AND BAILEY, BAILEY,
THE BEAUTIFUL,

SHY SISTER WITH THE BRAINS.

NOW, THAT'S WHAT I CALL
A PRETTY NICE FAMILY.

JENNIFER, YOU ALWAYS HAVE

SUCH A NICE, NICE WAY
OF PUTTING EVERYTHING.

OH! HI, DAD!

LES, I'VE GOT ENOUGH PROBLEMS.

LOOK, I'M GONNA BE GOING ALONG.

I FEEL A GROUP
HUG BUILDING HERE.

YEAH, I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.

GUESS I'LL GET BACK TO
WHATEVER IT IS I DO AROUND HERE.

OH, UH... SORRY, ANDY.

ME TOO. MIND IF I HELP YOU DO
WHATEVER IT IS YOU DO AROUND HERE?

WELL, YOU USUALLY DO.

- HEY, JOHN, HOW ABOUT
A BEER? I'M BUYING.
- YOU'RE ON, SPORT.

UH, JOHNNY... JOHNNY,

UM, I DON'T THINK I WAS, UH,

MAD ABOUT, UM, THE COFFEE.

I THINK I WAS MAD
BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T, UM,

ASKED ME OUT IN A LONG TIME.

I COULD, UH, KEEP THE
TUX FOR ANOTHER NIGHT.

OH, I'M SORRY.
I'M BUSY ALL WEEK.

- WAS THAT A SETUP?
- I THINK SO.

- HERB?
- YEAH?

WHY DO YOU SUPPOSE WE'RE
ALL HERE ON THIS PLANET?

(whispering)

THAT'S DISGUSTING!

I KNOW.

(rock music plays)

(man singing, indistinct)

(meows)