WKRP in Cincinnati (1978–1982): Season 3, Episode 1 - The Airplane Show - full transcript

Man on radio: THIS IS THE WPIG AM
MORNING TRAFFIC REPORT AT 8:25.

TRAFFIC ON I75 CONTINUE
TO MOVE BRISKLY,

BUT WITH NO ACCIDENTS
OR SLOWDOWNS.

SURFACE TRAFFIC IS UH,
MODERATELY CONGESTED,

BUT WITH NO MAJOR PROBLEMS
TO REPORT AT THIS TIME.

THIS IS YOUR PIG'S EYE
IN THE SKY REPORTING,

CINCINNATI'S ONLY HELICOPTER
TRAFFIC REPORT, SAYING.

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

THIS IS LES NESSMAN,
WKRP'S FISHEYE IN THE SKY!

REPORTING THAT TRAFFIC IS
A SNARLED MESS DOWN THERE

AND THAT WE'RE
ABOUT TO HIT A BRIDGE.



WOAAHHHHHH!!!!!

♪ ♪ BABY, IF YOU'VE
EVER WONDERED ♪

♪ WONDERED WHATEVER
BECAME OF ME ♪

♪ I'M LIVIN' ON THE
AIR IN CINCINNATI ♪

♪ CINCINNATI, WKRP ♪

♪ GOT KIND OF TIRED OF
PACKIN' AND UNPACKIN' ♪

♪ TOWN TO TOWN UP
AND DOWN THE DIAL ♪

♪ MAYBE YOU AND ME
WERE NEVER MEANT TO BE ♪

♪ JUST MAYBE THINK
OF ME ONCE IN A WHILE ♪

♪ I'M AT WKRP IN
CINCINNATI... ♪♪

BUDDY, I THINK
I'M GONNA BE SICK.

SIT DOWN I CAN'T SEE.

YOU ALMOST KILLED US.

WASN'T EVEN CLOSE.



- I COULD'VE DIED.
- NAH!

BUDDY... BUDDY,

I'M AFRAID I'M GOING
TO HAVE TO FIRE YOU.

OKAY.

I'M A CROP DUSTER ANYWAY.

SHOWBIZ AIN'T MY GAME.

- BUT I WON'T!
- WON'T WHAT?

- FIRE YOU!
- DOESN'T MATTER!

OKAY, YOU'RE NOT FIRED.

BUT FROM NOW ON, I
AM IN COMPLETE CHARGE.

OKAY, YOU'RE IN-CHARGE.

BUT YOU BETTER BE CAREFUL
BECAUSE I'M WATCHING YOU.

OKAY, I WON'T WATCH YOU.

AND FROM NOW ON I'M GONNA
HAVE TO CHARGE YOU DOUBLE.

WHY?

BECAUSE OF THE
HIGH PRICE OF GAS,

AND BECAUSE THE
PRESIDENT'S PROGRAM

OF A CONTROLLED RECESSION

SEEMS TO HAVE GOTTEN
OUTTA OUR HAND.

- OH.
- WANNA CUP OF COFFEE?

SURE.

COST YOU 35 CENTS.

I DON'T MIND.

COST YOU MORE IF YOU
WANT CREAM AND SUGAR.

OKAY.

FISHEYE IN THE SKY!

MORING, JENNIFER.

HI, LES.

MR. CARLSON AND ANDY WOULD
LIKE TO SEE YOU IMMEDIATELY.

FOR WHAT ABOUT?

DID YOU GO FLYING THIS MORNING?

THEN COME WITH ME.

JENNIFER, FOR OUR OWN SECURITY

WE'VE GOT TO REMAIN
TECHNOLOGICALLY COMPETITIVE

WITH WPIG.

THEY'VE GOT A
LIVE EYE IN THE SKY.

WE'VE GOTTA HAVE
A LIVE EYE IN THE SKY.

I KNOW WE DO.

THERE'S A HELICOPTER
GAP, JENNIFER.

I KNOW THERE IS.

EVERYBODY AROUND
HERE THINKS I'M CRAZY.

FORTUNATELY, YOU
KNOW BETTER THAN THAT.

FORTUNATELY, YOU
KNOW BETTER THAN THAT.

MR. CARLSON... LES
IS HERE TO SEE YOU.

- GOOD MORNING, GENTLEMEN.
- WHY YOU...

- MR. CARLSON IS TOO ANGRY TO TALK WITH...
- I WILL...

IT SEEMS WE HAVE A BASIC
COMMUNICATION PROBLEM.

- HIT YOU RIGHT IN THE FACE.
- BEFORE YOU DO SOMETHIN'

LIKE YOU DID THIS MORNING

YOU SHOULD THOROUGHLY
DISCUSS YOUR INTENTION

WITH EITHER MR. CARLSON
RIGHT HERE OR MYSELF.

BEAT YOU OVER THE HEAD WITH IT.

YOU'RE CALM, RATIONAL
MAN HERE, LESTER.

OH, I'M JUST TRYING
TO DO MY JOB.

YOUR JOB? YOUR JOB?

TO WHOM WERE YOU
DOIN' UP IN THAT PLANE?

WHY WOULDN'T YOU
BUZZ THAT BRIDGE?

WHY DON'T YOU TALK
TO TRAVIS AND ME

BEFORE YOU DO
SOMETHING LIKE THIS?

THEN WHY HAVEN'T YOU SOUGHT
SOME PROFESSIONAL HELP?

AND HELL I HAVE A STATION
TO PUT UP ON THE MANIAC

FOR A NEWS DIRECT.

HOW LONG... OH,
LORD, MUST I SUFFER?

ANSWER HIM, LES.

MR. CARLSON,

WHAT WE'VE GOT HERE
IS A HELICOPTER GAP.

WHY YOU... HEY, WHY
DON'T YOU SPEAK UP?

I'LL GET THAT.

WE CAN'T AFFORD A
HELICOPTER LIKE WPIG,

LES, IT'S JUST AS
SIMPLE AS THAT.

TRAVIS, THE VERY FIRST DAY
YOU CAME TO THIS STATION

YOU PROMISED TO
GET ME A HELICOPTER.

I KNOW I DID, LES, BUT
THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO

AND I WAS LYING.

WELL, THAT'S WHY I
HIRED AN AIRPLANE.

WE DON'T WANT YOU GOIN'
UP INTO AN AIRPLANE, LES.

IT'S DANGEROUS.

WE CAN'T AFFORD THE INSURANCE

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY
IT LOOKS STUPID.

LES, LISTEN, I WANT YOU
TO SIT BEHIND YOUR DESK

AND YOU DON'T LEAVE
THAT DESK TO GO ANYWHERE

WITHOUT CHECKING WITH ME FIRST.

I MEAN IT! NOT EVEN TO
GO TO THE BATHROOM.

BUT YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND, MR. CARLSON,

TOMORROW'S ARMISTICE DAY
ABSOLUTELY VITAL THAT I GET...

NESSMAN!

YES, SIR.

- TWO BANANAS.
- TWO.

- WHEAT GERM.
- WHEAT GERM...

- 16 VITAMIN C PILLS...
- 16...

- JUICE FROM ONE
CARROT, - ONE CARROT,

BLEND IT FOR THREE
MINUTES AND THEN DRINK IT.

NOW YOU'RE SAYIN'

THAT NO MATTER HOW MUCH I
CONTINUE TO ABUSE MY BODY

THIS WILL KEEP ME ALIVE.

FOREVER AND EVER.

MOVE IT OR LOSE IT.

- GOOD MORNING.
- I'M ON IN 30 SECONDS

HOW'RE YOU DOIN', BAILEY.

- GO ON, UP IT.
- UP IT?

LOOK AT THIS, THESE
TEAR SHEETS OF NOTES.

FOR NOW ON, WE'RE
NOT GOING FOR LES,

WITHOUT TIME TO PREPARE.

WHERE IS CINCINNATI'S
WINDOW TO THE WORLD?

WE DO NOT KNOW, BUT HE
IS IN TROUBLE WITH CARLSON.

IS TOMORROW VETERAN'S
DAY OR ARMISTICE DAY?

- I DON'T KNOW.
- WELL, YOU'RE A VETERAN.

LES HAS SOMEWHERE ELSE TO STAY.

THEY CHANGED THE NAME.

IS IT VETERAN'S DAY?

GEE, YEAH, NO.

I DON'T REALLY KNOW. HOW
ABOUT, EH, DECORATION DAY?

NO, NO, NO. DECORATION
DAY HAS BEEN CHANGED TO

MEMORIAL DAY AND THAT'S A NAME.

WELL, MAYBE IT'S
ARMED FORCES DAY.

NO, NO, THAT'S BEEN CHANGED
TO GAY INDIAN LIBERATION DAY.

NO, NO, NO, NO,

GAY INDIAN LIBERATION DAY WAS
A TRADE OFF FOR THANKSGIVING.

FORGET IT.

GOOD MORNING,
CINCINNATI. IT'S 10 A.M.

AND TIME FOR THE NEWS.

I'M BAILEY QUARTERS
FILLING IN FOR LES NESSMAN.

LEADING OFF WITH THE NEWS,

TWO BANANAS, WHEAT GERM

AND SIXTEEN VITAMIN C PILLS...

MORE IN A MINUTE.

GOOD NIGHT, LES.

IT'S NOT FAIR, ANDY.

I KNOW IT'S NOT, LES.

ANDY TOMORROW IS...
IS A NATIONAL HOLIDAY.

WHICH MEANS IT'S
A SLOW NEWS DAY.

YOU CAN RELAX.

NO, I CAN'T ANDY. THE
HIGHWAYS WILL BE JAMMED.

THERE'LL BE PARADES,
MEMORIAL SERVICES.

OH, COME ON LES,
DO YOURSELF A FAVOR.

GO TO A BALLGAME,
GO TO A MOVIE...

GO TO A THERAPIST
THERE'S AN IDEA.

KIDDING.

HEY.

JUST HAVE A NICE SAFE HOLIDAY

I'LL SEE YOU BACK
HERE ON WEDNESDAY.

OKAY.

- GOOD NIGHT.
- GOOD NIGHT.

- SEE YOU LATER.
- GOOD NIGHT, ANDY.

LES, MR. CARLSON SAYS
YOU CAN GO HOME NOW

OR TO THE BATHROOM,
WHICHEVER YOU LIKE.

THANK YOU, JENNIFER.

GOOD NIGHT, LES.

TOMORROW WILL BE A BETTER DAY.

JENNIFER, I'M A
TRAINED PROFESSIONAL

TRYING TO GET THE
NEWS ANYWAY I CAN.

I KNOW YOU ARE.

BECAUSE OF THAT EVERYBODY
AROUND HERE THINKS I'M CRAZY.

EXCEPT YOU OF COURSE.

GOOD NIGHT, LES.

AND I PARTICULARLY

DON'T LIKE PEOPLE
TELLING ME WHAT TO DO.

PARTICULARLY WHEN
I KNOW I'M RIGHT.

HERB, TOMORROW IS
ARMISTICE DAY SO WHAT?

I SHOULD BE UP THERE.

ON THE 15TH FLOOR?
IT'S A DANCE STUDIO.

IN THE AIR, HERB.

LES, WE CAN'T ALWAYS
DO WHAT WE WANNA DO.

TODAY WAS JUST A
SHAKEDOWN FLIGHT,

TOMORROW WAS
GONNA BE THE BIG DAY.

YEAH, WELL LOOK,

YOU GOT TO DO WHAT
THE BIG GUY SAYS.

WHY?

BECAUSE HE'S THE BOSS
AND YOU'RE NOBODY.

YOU'RE DUST IN THE WIND. WHY...

LISTEN, HERB, I CAN PUT THE
STATION ON THE MAP TOMORROW.

I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.

AND THE BID GUY
WOULD THANK ME LATER.

THEN GO UP.

TAKE THINGS INTO YOUR
OWN HANDS FOR ONCE.

HAVE THE COURAGE OF
YOUR OWN CONVICTIONS.

BUT IF IT WERE ME,
I WOULDN'T DO IT.

OF COURSE I'M A GUTLESS COWARD.

- YEAH.
- WELL, I AM SORRY, LES.

OH, AND DON'T DO ANYTHING CRAZY.

DON'T DO ANYTHING CRAZY.

GOOD HERB.

GEE! BUDDY, YOU LOOK GREAT.

ITS VETERAN'S
DAY. I'M A VETERAN.

READY TO GO?

COULD I USE YOUR PHONE FIRST?

- LOCAL?
- YES.

COST YOU A DOLLAR.

- OKAY.
- TAKE OFF.

I HAVE TO TELL JOHNNY TO
SETUP THE BOOTH PLANE HOOKUP.

HI.

OH, YEAH, LES, HOW'RE YOU DOIN'?

YOU'RE! YEAH, I THOUGHT
CARLSON GROUNDED YOU.

OH, HE DID. DID HE? AH-HA.

YOU KNOW, LESTER, YOU'RE LYING.

NO, DOESN'T MAKE
ANY DIFFERENCE TO ME.

I JUST WANTED TO MAKE
NOTE OF THE FACT, THAT'S ALL.

YEAH... LES, IT'S FINE WITH ME.

YOU... YOU GO AHEAD.

YOU HAVE A GOOD FLIGHT,

AND TRY NOT TO HIT
ANY BUILDINGS, OKAY.

AH... FINE.

WELL, GERONIMO TO YOU TOO PAL.

THERE'S NO TRAFFIC.

LET'S GO SEE WHAT'S
HAPPENING DOWNTOWN.

- OH, ROGER - WHAT?

I SAID ROGER.

OH, ROGER.

WHAT?

ROGER!!!

ROGER!

THERE'S NO ONE DOWN THERE,

I GUESS ALL THE ACTION
IS OUT OF THE CEMETERY.

FOUR SCARS, AND
SEVENTY YEARS AGO,

ARNIE, OUR FATHER BROUGHT
FORTH ONTO THIS CONTINENT...

THE LIBERTY AND THE DEDICATED...

THERE ARE ONLY NINE
PEOPLE DOWN THERE.

WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?

MAYBE WE'RE JUST TOO EARLY.

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE
US DOWN FOR A WHILE?

NO PROBLEM.

OH, BUDDY!

WHOA... AH-UH... OH-OH...

STOP, STOP, STOP... GOOD, JOLLY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?

THIS IS NOT AN AIRSTRIP,
THIS IS A COUNTY ROAD.

CARS USE THIS. THIS IS FOR CARS.

I'VE ALREADY HAD ENOUGH
TROUBLES FOR THIS, BUDDY.

OH, LES, IT ALMOST MAKES ME CRY.

- I'M SORRY.
- PEOPLE DON'T CARE.

VETERAN'S DAY IS...

JUST A DAY OFF FROM
WORK. THAT'S ALL.

DON'T GET YOUR UNIFORM DIRTY.

AH, DON'T MATTER.

BUDDY... IT'S STILL EARLY.

I'LL BE AN IDIOT, LES.

NOBODY CARES.

NOBODY REMEMBERS.

MAYBE THEY JUST DON'T
WANT TO REMEMBER.

AH, BULL-OKAY.

BULL!

HEY, LES!

HOW MANY PEOPLE LISTEN TO
THAT RADIO STATION OF YOURS?

I DON'T KNOW.

A LOT.

I'M PROBABLY THE MOST WIDELY
LISTENED TO JOURNALIST IN TOWN.

REALLY?

WHAT? I'VE BEEN HERE TOP 10, 20.

LES, LET'S TURN THIS
TOWN ON ITS EAR.

- HOW?
- GET IN THE PLANE.

- OH, GEE I DON'T...
- GET IN THE PLANE.

SURE.

WHAT HAVE YOU
GOT IN MIND, BUDDY?

A PARADE.

WELL, HOW DO YOU MEAN, BUDDY?

WE'RE GONNA HAVE A
VETERAN'S DAY PARADE.

HOW DO YOU MEAN, BUDDY?

♪ I'VE HAD ENOUGH
OF BEING NICE ♪

♪ I'VE HAD ENOUGH
OF RIGHT AND WRONG ♪

♪ I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF TRYING
TO LOVE MY BROTHER ♪ ♪

I-I THINK YOU
SHOULD, THAT'S ALL.

I SAID "I THINK YOU
SHOULD, THAT'S ALL."

YEAH, REAL SIMPLE, HERB.

JUST BECAUSE IT'S YOU. OKAY.

- HI.
- HI.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

AH, YOU'RE NOT GONNA
BELIEVE THIS ONE, TRAVIS.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU
WERE A BAPTIST.

WELL, NO, ACTUALLY
I'M A BAPTIST BUT I PLAY

QUARTERBACK BAPTIST
FOR TOUCH FOOTBALL TEAM.

IS THAT ETHICAL?

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

WELL, LES, IS UP
IN THE PLANE AGAIN,

IT'S BEING PILOTED BY
A MAN NAMED BUDDY.

NOW BUDDY SAYS

THAT UNLESS THERE'S
A VETERANS DAY PARADE

TODAY HERE IN CINCINNATI,

HE'S GONNA FLY LES
AROUND IN CIRCLES

UNTIL THEY RUN OUT OF GAS
AND CRASH INTO THE GROUND.

- I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
- WELL, IT'S TRUE.

I'VE CALLED EVERYBODY
ELSE. THEY ARE ALL COMIN' IN.

WHY?

BECAUSE IF YOU'RE
GONNA HAVE A PARADE

YOU NEED LOTS OF PEOPLE.

YOU'RE IN-CHARGE OF
GETTING THE BANDS, OKAY?

NOW JOHNNY AND I HAVE TALKED
WITH LES AND WITH THIS PILOT

OVER THE REMOTE HOOKUP.

AND THE ONLY THING
THAT I CAN SAY FOR SURE

IS THAT THE PILOT BUDDY

APPEARS TO BE EVEN
CRAZIER THAN LES.

GOOD LORD.

AND I HAVE SEEN A
PARADE OR TWO IN MY TIME,

AND I CAN TELL YOU,

YOU DON'T THROW ONE
TOGETHER IN AN HOUR OR TWO.

- GOOD, HERB.
- YOU BET.

BUDDY. OH, BUDDY, DO WE TALK?

THIS IS LES CALLING BUDDY.

LES CALLING BUDDY.
COME IN BUDDY.

WELL I PLANNED MY HIGH SCHOOL
HOMECOMING PARADE ONCE,

AND ALL I CAN
REMEMBER ABOUT THAT IS

YOU NEVER PUT THE
HORSES UPFRONT.

WHY NOT?

OH, YEAH.

THIS IS IT FOR ME.

NO MORE MR. NICE GUY.
IT'S HEAD CHOPPING TIME.

HEY, THIS GUY GOES
THROUGH WITH THIS,

YOU'RE NOT GONNA
HAVE TO FIRE, LES.

HE WILL BE DEAD.

STILL GOT YOU THOUGH, HERB.

WHY A PARADE?

AH, BUDDY IS A
VERY PATRIOTIC MAN

AND HE WANTS SOMETHING BIG
TO HAPPEN ON VETERAN'S DAY.

OKAY, LET'S GIVE
HIM SOMETHING BIG.

WELL, LIKE WHAT?

I DON'T KNOW. SOMETHING
OUR LISTENERS COULD DO.

EVERYBODY'S GOT A CAR.

EACH CAR HAS A HORN.

EVERYBODY IN TOWN
COULD BLOW THEIR HORNS

LIKE WE DID WHEN THE
REDS WON THE WORLD SERIES.

- THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
- RIGHT.

ONE O'CLOCK ON THE
DOT EVERYONE IN TOWN

GETS IN THEIR CARS
AND BLOWS THEIR HORN.

GUYS, DARN IT, I LIKE IT.

ANDY, RIGHT NOW WE GOT
ABOUT 2000 LISTENERS TOPS.

I BET ALL THE OTHER
STATIONS COULD HELP.

WHY SHOULD THEY?

WELL IF YOU WERE IN
COMPETITION WITH US,

WOULD YOU WANT US TO LOSE LES?

THIS IS LES CALLING
JOHNNY. LES CALLING JOHNNY.

COME IN JOHNNY.

I GOT YOU, LES,
HOLD IT A SECOND.

THERE YOU GO.

JOHNNY, BUDDY SAYS OKAY.

IF EVERYBODY WILL BLOW
THEIR HORNS HE WON'T KILL ME.

SOUNDS GOOD TO ME, LES.

- I THINK SO.
- HEY.

LES, LISTEN THIS IS ANDY.

IF WE'VE GOT THE COOPERATION
OF ALL THE RADIO STATIONS

IN TOWN DO YOU THINK CAN
GET UH, BUDDY, THE PILOT,

TO DO SOMETHING UP THERE
SO EVERYBODY WILL NOTICE YOU?

- I'LL ASK BUDDY.
- BAILEY WAS RIGHT.

THERE'S NOT A STATION
MANAGER IN TOWN

- WHO WANTS US TO LOSE LES.
- YEAH.

- JOHNNY.
- YEAH, LES.

I THINK PEOPLE
WILL NOTICE US NOW.

SO THIS IS THE DOCTOR
ON WKRP REMINDING YOU

STAY IN THE SHOW
BE SURE TO BLOW,

COME ONE O' CLOCK
EVERYBODY IN CINCINNATI

GONNA GET IN THEIR
CARS, BLOW THEIR HORNS

IN CELEBRATION OF
VETERANS DAY DON'T FORGET.

THIS IS WCN, WAM.

- I AM SURE YOU'VE ALL SEEN...
- THIS WLQA...

STEREO 91.7... A
GLUE COUNTRY, WCLU.

THIS IS UBE NUMBER
ONE COUNTRY SAYING...

VETERAN DAY SALUTE
ON WNCIP AND WGUC-

FM 95.

HEY, LES.

YO, LES. LES.

AH! - WOW. - LOOK AT THAT!

HEY, BIG GUY, DID
THEY EVER TELL YOU

ABOUT THE FLIGHT I HAD
COMING IN FROM DENVER?

- NO, SIR.
- WHAT TIME DO WE HAVE?

IT'S ONE O'CLOCK.

RAISE THAT WINDOW.

IT'S ONE O'CLOCK I
DON'T HEAR ANYTHING.

WE CAN'T HEAR OVER THE ENGINE.

OH, YEAH. NO, PROBLEM.

NO! DON'T TURN THE ENGINE OFF.

DON'T TURN. OH, MY GOSH.

- DO YOU HEAR ANYTHING, LES?
- NO.

SEE I TOLD YA.

PLEASE TURN THE
ENGINE BACK ON, BUDDY.

THEY LIED TO US.

THEY TRIED BUDDY.

HEY, LES LISTEN.

LES DO YOU HEAR IT?

- YES, BUDDY, - DO YOU HEAR IT?

YES, BUDDY I LIKE
IT. LES I LIKE IT!

BUDDY, COULD YOU PLEASE
TURN THE ENGINE BACK ON?

I CAN'T, LES. WE'RE OUTTA GAS.

HEY, LES.

YES, BUDDY.

ONE HECK OF A VETERAN'S DAY.

HA, LES? WE'LL HAVE TO
DO THIS AGAIN SOMETIME.

YES, BUDDY, WE CERTAINLY SHOULD.

HEY, LES, WHEN'S ARMISTICE DAY?

WKRP IN CINCINNATI.

WE'LL BE BACK AFTER THIS.

WKRP. LES, ARE YOU ALRIGHT?

WHAT?

OH, SURE MR. CARLSON.

NO PROBLEM HERE.

NO PROBLEM! WHY, YOU...
A LITTLE RASCAL YOU.

LOOK WE'RE ALL JUST
REAL GLAD YOU'RE ALIVE LES.

OH, THANKS, MR. CARLSON.

MR. CARLSON, I PROMISE I
WON'T GO FLYING ANYMORE.

THANKS, LES. WON'T FLY AGAIN.

WE ALL APPRECIATE THAT.

MR. CARLSON, DO YOU REALIZE

THAT THE ENTIRE CITY
SAVED MY LIFE TODAY?

YES, LES, I DO.

GOOD BYE.

GOOD BYE.

STRANGE TOWN CINCINNATI.