WKRP in Cincinnati (1978–1982): Season 2, Episode 16 - Put Up or Shut Up - full transcript
Herb's wife is out of town for 10 days. And he decides this is the time to go wild and get Jennifer to finally go out with him. When Jennifer finds out she has to deal with Herb for 10 days she tells Bailey she can't do make it. Bailey's advice to Jennifer is just give and take Herb up on it and he'll chicken out. The next time Herb asks her, she accepts and her troubles begin, because Herb doesn't seem to be backing down. As the time approaches Herb does seem to be backing down, he is thinking about his family and missing them. It's around this time that Les tells Herb what he had overheard the ladies saying about how they expected to put an end to Herbs chasing of Jennifer. With this new Herb decides he;s go to go for it. When he arrives at Jennifer's apartment, she looks fantastic (she couldn't look any other way) and Herb begins to get very cold feet. Jennifer is also pretty nervous since the last thing she wants is Herb. When all is said and done Herb can't go through with, but Jennifer, by being a good friend, helps Herb save face around the station.
- GOOD MORNING, JENNIFER.
- OH, GOOD MORNING, LES,
MR. CARLSON.
- MORNING.
- DID MY PACKAGE COME?
- NOT YET.
- GEE WILLIKERS.
OHIO FISHERMAN.
OH, BOY.
UH, JENNIFER, DON'T
WANT TO BE DISTURBED.
RIGHT.
Herb: ♪ IF YOU LIKE MY BODY ♪
♪ AND YOU THINK I'M SEXY ♪
♪ COME ON, BABY, LET ME KNOW ♪
GOOD MORNING, GALS.
HOW DOES THIS SOUND:
COUPLE OF SHOOTERS DOWN
AT THE CRICKET, THEN DINNER?
- BUZZ OFF, HERB.
- DON'T LIKE THAT?
OKAY, WHAT ABOUT THIS?
HOP INTO A PAIR OF BLACK
LEATHER SKIN-TIGHTS,
AND WE GO BOWLING IN KENTUCKY.
I'D LOVE GETTING
PHYSICAL WITH YOU.
GET LOST, HERB.
BODY-PAINTING CLASSES
AT THE UNIVERSITY?
I PAINT YOU, YOU PAINT ME,
AND IT'S ALL VERY RESPECTABLE.
I'M A LITTLE CONFUSED HERE.
USUALLY YOU COME IN,
YOU ASK ME TO DINNER,
I SAY "BUZZ OFF," YOU SAY
"OKAY, FINE," AND THAT'S IT.
IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG?
"WRONG"? NOTHING'S WRONG.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, LUCILLE HAS
TAKEN THE KIDS TO HER MOTHER'S,
AND FOR THE NEXT 10 DAYS,
HUGGABLE HERB IS ON
THE LOOSE AND CRUISING.
- OUT.
- I'M GONE, JENNY-POO,
BUT I'LL BE BACK.
HI, BABE.
THAT IS SO DEGRADING!
WHY DON'T YOU DO SOMETHING
ABOUT THAT, JENNIFER?
- 10 DAYS?
- I WOULDN'T STAND FOR IT.
I CAN'T DO 10 DAYS.
- YOU KNOW WHAT
YOU OUGHT TO DO?
- WHAT?
JUST ONCE, WHAT DO YOU
SUPPOSE WOULD HAPPEN
IF YOU SAID YES TO HERB?
BAILEY!
NOTHING WOULD HAPPEN.
BAILEY, THIS IS HERB TARLEK.
WHO IS ALL SHOW AND NO GO.
SAY YES?
JENNIFER, AS SOON
AS A WOMAN GETS
JUST A LITTLE BIT AGGRESSIVE,
THE MAN STARTS RUNNING.
OH, BUT, BAILEY, I
COULDN'T STAND IT
IF EVERYBODY AROUND HERE
THOUGHT HERB AND I WERE...
YEAH, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
LISTEN,
YOU CALL A BLUFF'S
BLUFF, AND HE CRUMBLES.
I'VE DONE IT A DOZEN TIMES.
- WELL, UH...
- DO IT. IT CAN'T FAIL.
- ALL RIGHT, I'LL DO IT.
- ATTA GIRL, JENNIFER.
YOU TAKE IT TO THE LIMIT, AND YOU
WILL CRUSH THAT LITTLE WEASEL'S SPIRIT.
YOU WILL BREAK HIS BACK!
YOU WILL STOMP HIM UP
AND DOWN AND AROUND AND...
BAILEY, I GET IT.
OKAY.
WELL, I'VE GOT TO GO
WATER MY PLANTS NOW.
♪ BABY, IF YOU'VE
EVER WONDERED ♪
♪ WONDERED WHATEVER
BECAME OF ME ♪
♪ I'M LIVIN' ON THE
AIR IN CINCINNATI ♪
♪ CINCINNATI, WKRP ♪
♪ GOT KIND OF TIRED OF
PACKIN' AND UNPACKIN' ♪
♪ TOWN TO TOWN, UP
AND DOWN THE DIAL ♪
♪ MAYBE YOU AND ME
WERE NEVER MEANT TO BE ♪
♪ JUST MAYBE THINK
OF ME ONCE IN A WHILE ♪
♪ I'M AT WKRP IN CINCINNATI ♪
MAIL CALL.
OH, MY PACKAGE IS HERE.
- "BATTLE CREEK, MICHIGAN," LES?
IT'S MY SNEAKY SNOOPER.
IT'S A NON-ELECTRONIC
LISTENING DEVICE.
UH-HUH.
JOHNNY...
HERB...
THANKS, GORGEOUS.
MY PLEASURE.
Les: OH, THIS IS SO EXCITING.
OH, BOY! OH, THIS IS GREAT!
LOOK, HERB. LOOK.
IT'S A JELLY JAR, LES.
OF COURSE. THAT'S
THE WHOLE POINT.
IT'S DISGUISED TO
LOOK LIKE A JELLY JAR,
BUT IT COMES WITH A FULL SET OF OPERATING
INSTRUCTIONS, AND IT'S GUARANTEED.
YEAH, LET ME SEE THAT.
"STEP ONE: PLACE SNEAKY
SNOOPER NEXT TO WALL."
WALL.
"STEP TWO: PLACE EAR
TO SNEAKY SNOOPER.
STEP THREE: LISTEN."
YOU'VE BEEN HAD AGAIN, LES.
LAUGH IF YOU WANT TO, TARLEK,
BUT I'LL BRING BACK AN
EXCLUSIVE WITH THIS BABY.
YOU, UH... YOU SEEN JOHNNY?
- JOHN?
- YEAH?
- YOU, UH... YOU BUSY?
- IN A SEC.
ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE...
ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE DAYS, HUH?
YEAH.
YOU, UH, SEE ANYBODY
OVER THERE IN THAT CORNER?
NOPE.
NEITHER DO I.
- JUST TESTING YOU.
- OH, YEAH.
I GUESS IT'S A GOOD
THING NOBODY'S THERE.
LISTEN, UH, ARE YOU OKAY, MAN?
YEAH, SURE. FINE. NO.
SOMETHING WEIRD IS HAPPENING.
DID YOU EVER REALLY
GET INTO YOUR HAND, MAN?
I MEAN, ALL THOSE LINES.
IT'S LIKE A... LIKE A
TINY EXPRESSWAY.
YOUR THUMB IS AN OFF-RAMP.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
HMM?
UH...
I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.
- HI, ANDY.
- WHAT?
HI.
THANK YOU.
HERB? COFFEE?
SURELY.
WHAT'S WRONG? YOU NEVER
BROUGHT ME COFFEE BEFORE.
THERE ARE ALL SORTS OF THINGS
I'VE NEVER DONE FOR YOU BEFORE.
HEY, UH,
I KNOW A CLASSY LITTLE
POLYNESIAN RESTAURANT
THAT PUTS UMBRELLAS
IN YOUR DRINKS.
INTERESTED?
YOU CAN TAKE 'EM HOME WITH YOU.
"INTERESTED"?
I'D LOVE IT.
I'M HAVING A FLASHBACK.
THE '60s WERE A CRAZY TIME, ART.
INTERESTING. UH, GO ON.
ANYTHING CAN TRIGGER IT OFF.
THIS TIME, I THINK IT WAS
SEEING SAMMY DAVIS JR.
WEEP ON TV AS HE ACCEPTED
THE DISCO LIFESTYLE AWARD.
YEAH, I THINK THAT COULD DO IT.
HERE.
BIG GUY... HELLO, HUNK.
"HUNK"?
(clicks tongue)
KAREN... SHE LOVES ME,
BUT SHE'S NOT READY
FOR THE MAJORS YET.
CATHY... SHE LOVES ME NOT.
HMM.
HEY, V.F. WHAT'S HAPPENING?
IS THAT WARREN BEATTY OR
HERB TARLEK I SEE THERE, HUH?
IT'S THE SUIT, RIGHT?
SOMEWHERE THERE'S A
VOLKSWAGEN WITHOUT SEAT COVERS.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, THOUGH...
CONGRATULATIONS, MAN.
YOU HAVE DONE IT. YOU'RE GOING
OUT WITH THE QUEEN, THE HEAD MAMA.
- (chuckles)
- HOW DID YOU KNOW?
BAILEY TOLD ME.
- BAILEY?
- I'LL BET YOU'RE SCARED,
AREN'T YOU?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "SCARED"?
(chuckles) AS IN "FRIGHTENED."
YOU DON'T KNOW ME
VERY WELL, DO YOU, 'TRAP.
I GUESS NOT.
I THOUGHT YOU'D BE WORRIED
ABOUT YOUR LIMITATIONS.
HEY, BABY, THIS IS...
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "LIMITATIONS"?
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT
HE MEANS, HERB.
YOU CAN, UH, HEAR THROUGH
DOORS WITH THAT THING, LES?
IT'S A SNEAKY SNOOPER.
YOU ARE NERVOUS, AREN'T YOU?
MAYBE JUST A LITTLE.
BUT I'M SURE YOU'VE BEEN
NERVOUS ON DATES BEFORE, RIGHT?
NEVER ANY PROBLEMS,
NEVER ANY COMPLAINTS.
OF COURSE, I'M NOT A MARRIED MAN
WITH A LOVELY WIFE AND
TWO WONDERFUL CHILDREN
WHO LOOK TO THEIR
FATHER FOR MORAL GUIDANCE
AND THE PRESERVATION OF
THE FAMILY UNIT AS WE KNOW IT.
LOOK, LES,
I HAVE WRESTLED WITH MY DEMONS,
I HAVE HAD MY SLEEPLESS NIGHTS,
I HAVE CHECKED MY
OWN HEART OF DARKNESS,
AND THE BOTTOM LINE IS, PAL,
I GOT TO DO IT.
I AM NOT GOING OUT WITH HIM.
BAILEY, THIS ISN'T WORKING.
WHY ISN'T THIS WORKING?
- WHAT?
- HERB. HE'S GOING
TO GO THROUGH WITH IT.
HE IS GOING TO EXPECT
ME TO GO OUT WITH HIM.
(gasps) WELL, I THOUGHT
IT WOULD WORK.
YOU SAID IT WORKED
FOR YOU A DOZEN TIMES.
DID I SAY THAT?
WELL, MAYBE IT WASN'T A DOZEN.
I CAN'T REMEMBER EXACT
NUMBERS, BUT I HEARD IT WORKED.
BAILEY, THIS IS MY REPUTATION
WE ARE TOYING WITH HERE,
MY LIFE, MY SANITY.
IT WILL WORK, TRUST ME. YOU
JUST HAVE TO GO ALL THE WAY.
"ALL THE WAY"?
THIS IS NO TIME TO RETREAT,
THIS IS TIME TO ATTACK!
BAILEY, IF THIS DOESN'T WORK...
WHY, WE'LL JUST TRY SWEEPING IT
UP HERE AND THEN PIN IT RIGHT THERE...
- HI, HERBIE.
- HI, HERBIE. UH-OH.
WELL, LOOK, GIVE BUNNY
AND LITTLE HERB MY LOVE TONIGHT
WHEN YOU TUCK
'EM IN... BED, THERE.
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT. LUCILLE? LUCILLE?
I LOVE YOU.
I REALLY DO.
NO, IT'S JUST THAT I
LOVE YOU, THAT'S ALL.
I KNOW. ALL RIGHT.
OKAY.
BYE.
WELL, LESTER, I GUESS IT'S TIME
FOR HERBIE TO HIT
THE OLD GLORY TRAIL.
IT'S GONNA BE SOME NIGHT.
TONIGHT, HISTORY
IS GOING TO BE MADE.
TOMORROW, I AM A LEGEND.
I CAN'T DO IT, LES.
YES, YOU CAN.
WHAT?
I KNOW SOMETHING YOU DON'T KNOW.
BUT YOU PROBABLY
WOULDN'T BE INTERESTED
SINCE I FOUND IT OUT
WITH MY SNEAKY SNOOPER.
COME ON, NOW, WHAT IS IT?
THE WHOLE THING IS A BLUFF TO
SCARE YOU AWAY FROM JENNIFER.
- "BLUFF"?
- MM-HMM.
THIS AFTERNOON, I OVERHEARD
JENNIFER TELL BAILEY
SHE HAD NO INTENTION OF SEEING
YOUR DATE THROUGH TO ITS LOGICAL,
ALBEIT SLIGHTLY
UNSEEMLY, CONCLUSION.
I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
SHE INTENDS TO SEE TO IT THAT
YOU'RE THE ONE TO BACK DOWN.
- OH?
- MM-HMM.
WELL, I GOT NEWS FOR THE
LITTLE BLONDE LADY OUT FRONT:
H.T. IS IN FOR THE DURATION.
I MEAN, HERB... (muttering)
(doorbell tones ringing)
- HELLO.
- HI, HERB.
WON'T YOU COME IN?
I'D LOVE TO COME IN, JENNY-POO.
IS THAT WINE?
BAG OF WINE.
THANK YOU.
WHY, HERB, THIS IS A
REALLY FINE FRENCH WINE.
IS IT?
I TOLD THE GUY TO GIVE ME
THE BEST HE'S GOT IN THE STORE
WITHOUT GOING OVER 14 BUCKS.
$13.99.
- MAKE YOURSELF COMFORTABLE.
- OKAY, FINE.
- I'LL FIX SOME COCKTAILS.
- GOOD. I COULD USE A DRINK.
WHAT WOULD YOU...
PERHAPS YOU'D BE MORE
COMFORTABLE IN THE LIVING ROOM.
RIGHT.
WHAT'LL YOU HAVE?
YOU GOT SOME BOURBON?
- I DO. WOULD YOU LIKE
ANYTHING WITH IT?
- OH, SOME NUTS, I GUESS.
SHOULD I, UH, SIT ON
THE COUCH OR THE CHAIR?
DOESN'T MATTER.
(hyperventilating)
ARE YOU OKAY?
(high voice) WHOO!
- I'M FINE. FINE.
- SHOULD I PUT SOME MUSIC ON?
- SURE. YOU WANT TO DANCE?
- OH, NO. NEVER MIND.
OKAY.
(coughing)
(coughing violently)
THIS IS STRAIGHT BOURBON.
YES, THAT'S WHAT
YOU SAID YOU WANTED.
IT IS?
(clicking tongue)
WELL...
THIS IS, UH,
QUITE A PLACE YOU'VE
GOT HERE, JENNY.
THANK YOU.
- FIREPLACE FUNCTIONAL?
- NO.
- (snaps fingers)
- THAT YOUR PIANO?
YES, IT IS.
- BLACK.
- I KNOW.
MOST PIANOS YOU SEE
NOWADAYS ARE BROWN.
- YOU PLAY?
- NO.
GOOD.
WOULD YOU, UH...
WOULD YOU JOIN ME ON THE COUCH?
ALL RIGHTY.
(wheezing)
HERB, WOULD YOU
LIKE TO LIE DOWN?
- WHERE?
- WELL, ON THE COUCH
OR IN THE BEDROOM.
OH, GOD!
HERB, WHY DON'T YOU JUST RELAX?
I'M NOT DOING THIS VERY
WELL, AM I, JENNIFER?
- YOU'RE DOING JUST FINE.
- OH, NO, I'M NOT.
DAMN.
I WANTED TO BE SO
COOL ABOUT THIS TONIGHT,
BUT I CAN'T!
I MEAN, I FANTASIZED ABOUT
HOW THIS WHOLE NIGHT WOULD BE.
IT WAS SO NICE. YOU WERE YOU,
AND I WAS, I DON'T
KNOW, SOMEBODY ELSE,
SAYING AND DOING
ALL THE RIGHT THINGS
INSTEAD OF HYPERVENTILATING
AND SWEATING.
I'M SORRY. PERSPIRING.
OH, HERB, DON'T
PUT YOURSELF DOWN.
I MEAN, THESE THINGS EITHER
WORK OUT NATURALLY OR THEY DON'T.
WE JUST DON'T HAVE
THE RIGHT CHEMISTRY.
NO, NO. NO, NO.
IT'S MY FAULT. I'M SO STUPID!
NO, IT'S NOT
YOU, IT'S... IT'S US.
I BET YOU'RE PRETTY
SUAVE AROUND YOUR WIFE.
SURE, OF COURSE.
SEE? THAT'S WHY THAT
RELATIONSHIP WORKS.
LOOK, I'D, UH,
RATHER NOT TALK ABOUT
MY WIFE, IF YOU DON'T MIND.
WHY NOT?
I FEEL A LITTLE GUILTY.
DON'T.
WE'RE JUST TWO GOOD FRIENDS
GETTING TOGETHER
FOR A FEW DRINKS.
NOTHING MORE?
I NEED TO ASK YOU
SOMETHING, JENNIFER.
OKAY.
DID YOU SAY THAT YOU WOULD
GO OUT WITH ME TONIGHT JUST TO
CALL MY BLUFF AND
GET ME OFF YOUR BACK?
WELL, I CAN'T SAY THE THOUGHT
HADN'T CROSSED MY MIND.
IT WORKED.
BUT, YOU KNOW, THEN I THOUGHT...
"WHY, THIS GUY, HERB,
"HE'S A PRETTY HANDSOME MAN,
"AND HE'S OBVIOUSLY
CRAZY ABOUT WOMEN,
"SO IT WOULD BE ONLY NATURAL
"IF I WERE A LITTLE
MORE THAN INTERESTED.
"BUT..." HE'S NOT MINE.
HE BELONGS TO ANOTHER WOMAN."
SO I THOUGHT,
"WELL, MAYBE I COULD JUST
SHARE HIS COMPANY A LITTLE.
"AND IF I CAN'T HAVE
HIM, ANY OTHER WAY,
THEN MAYBE I'LL HAVE HIM AS
A VERY DEAR FRIEND OF MINE."
YEAH?
YES.
- WELL, THAT'S NOT SO BAD.
- YOU THINK SO?
HECK, NO.
I MEAN, SOMETIMES,
YOU KNOW, I JUST LIKE TO
BE WITH A WOMAN,
YOU KNOW, WITHOUT...
PULLING ANYTHING.
THEN WHY DON'T YOU
TAKE ME OUT TO DINNER?
I'D BE DELIGHTED.
MY WRAP IS IN THE BEDROOM.
OKAY, FINE.
(clears throat)
YOU'D BETTER GET IT.
OKAY.
(kisses)
DON'T FOOL WITH ME, BOY.
Man: WKRP IN CINCINNATI
WILL BE BACK AFTER THIS.
- MORNING, JENNIFER.
- OH, GOOD MORNING,
MR. CARLSON.
UH, ANYTHING I, UH,
NEED TO DEAL WITH?
- OF COURSE NOT.
- MM
- WELL, IN THAT CASE...
- YOU DON'T WANT
TO BE DISTURBED.
- (snaps fingers)
- RIGHT.
- FEELING BETTER, FEVER?
- UH, YEAH, THANK YOU.
I HAD ABOUT 17 HOURS'
STRAIGHT SLEEP.
I THINK I'M SEEING WHAT
I'M SUPPOSED TO SEE.
Herb: ♪ DON'T GO CHANGIN' ♪
♪ TO TRY AND PLEASE ME ♪
♪ YOU'VE NEVER LET
ME DOWN BEFORE ♪
♪ OOH, OOH, OOH ♪
- YOU WERE TERRIFIC LAST NIGHT.
- YOU TOO.
- THANKS FOR THE DRINKS.
- MY PLEASURE.
♪ I JUST WANTED ♪
♪ SOMEONE TO TALK TO ♪
♪ I LIKE YOU JUST
THE WAY YOU ARE ♪
(door shuts)
(rock music plays)
(man singing, indistinct)
(meows)
- OH, GOOD MORNING, LES,
MR. CARLSON.
- MORNING.
- DID MY PACKAGE COME?
- NOT YET.
- GEE WILLIKERS.
OHIO FISHERMAN.
OH, BOY.
UH, JENNIFER, DON'T
WANT TO BE DISTURBED.
RIGHT.
Herb: ♪ IF YOU LIKE MY BODY ♪
♪ AND YOU THINK I'M SEXY ♪
♪ COME ON, BABY, LET ME KNOW ♪
GOOD MORNING, GALS.
HOW DOES THIS SOUND:
COUPLE OF SHOOTERS DOWN
AT THE CRICKET, THEN DINNER?
- BUZZ OFF, HERB.
- DON'T LIKE THAT?
OKAY, WHAT ABOUT THIS?
HOP INTO A PAIR OF BLACK
LEATHER SKIN-TIGHTS,
AND WE GO BOWLING IN KENTUCKY.
I'D LOVE GETTING
PHYSICAL WITH YOU.
GET LOST, HERB.
BODY-PAINTING CLASSES
AT THE UNIVERSITY?
I PAINT YOU, YOU PAINT ME,
AND IT'S ALL VERY RESPECTABLE.
I'M A LITTLE CONFUSED HERE.
USUALLY YOU COME IN,
YOU ASK ME TO DINNER,
I SAY "BUZZ OFF," YOU SAY
"OKAY, FINE," AND THAT'S IT.
IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG?
"WRONG"? NOTHING'S WRONG.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, LUCILLE HAS
TAKEN THE KIDS TO HER MOTHER'S,
AND FOR THE NEXT 10 DAYS,
HUGGABLE HERB IS ON
THE LOOSE AND CRUISING.
- OUT.
- I'M GONE, JENNY-POO,
BUT I'LL BE BACK.
HI, BABE.
THAT IS SO DEGRADING!
WHY DON'T YOU DO SOMETHING
ABOUT THAT, JENNIFER?
- 10 DAYS?
- I WOULDN'T STAND FOR IT.
I CAN'T DO 10 DAYS.
- YOU KNOW WHAT
YOU OUGHT TO DO?
- WHAT?
JUST ONCE, WHAT DO YOU
SUPPOSE WOULD HAPPEN
IF YOU SAID YES TO HERB?
BAILEY!
NOTHING WOULD HAPPEN.
BAILEY, THIS IS HERB TARLEK.
WHO IS ALL SHOW AND NO GO.
SAY YES?
JENNIFER, AS SOON
AS A WOMAN GETS
JUST A LITTLE BIT AGGRESSIVE,
THE MAN STARTS RUNNING.
OH, BUT, BAILEY, I
COULDN'T STAND IT
IF EVERYBODY AROUND HERE
THOUGHT HERB AND I WERE...
YEAH, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
LISTEN,
YOU CALL A BLUFF'S
BLUFF, AND HE CRUMBLES.
I'VE DONE IT A DOZEN TIMES.
- WELL, UH...
- DO IT. IT CAN'T FAIL.
- ALL RIGHT, I'LL DO IT.
- ATTA GIRL, JENNIFER.
YOU TAKE IT TO THE LIMIT, AND YOU
WILL CRUSH THAT LITTLE WEASEL'S SPIRIT.
YOU WILL BREAK HIS BACK!
YOU WILL STOMP HIM UP
AND DOWN AND AROUND AND...
BAILEY, I GET IT.
OKAY.
WELL, I'VE GOT TO GO
WATER MY PLANTS NOW.
♪ BABY, IF YOU'VE
EVER WONDERED ♪
♪ WONDERED WHATEVER
BECAME OF ME ♪
♪ I'M LIVIN' ON THE
AIR IN CINCINNATI ♪
♪ CINCINNATI, WKRP ♪
♪ GOT KIND OF TIRED OF
PACKIN' AND UNPACKIN' ♪
♪ TOWN TO TOWN, UP
AND DOWN THE DIAL ♪
♪ MAYBE YOU AND ME
WERE NEVER MEANT TO BE ♪
♪ JUST MAYBE THINK
OF ME ONCE IN A WHILE ♪
♪ I'M AT WKRP IN CINCINNATI ♪
MAIL CALL.
OH, MY PACKAGE IS HERE.
- "BATTLE CREEK, MICHIGAN," LES?
IT'S MY SNEAKY SNOOPER.
IT'S A NON-ELECTRONIC
LISTENING DEVICE.
UH-HUH.
JOHNNY...
HERB...
THANKS, GORGEOUS.
MY PLEASURE.
Les: OH, THIS IS SO EXCITING.
OH, BOY! OH, THIS IS GREAT!
LOOK, HERB. LOOK.
IT'S A JELLY JAR, LES.
OF COURSE. THAT'S
THE WHOLE POINT.
IT'S DISGUISED TO
LOOK LIKE A JELLY JAR,
BUT IT COMES WITH A FULL SET OF OPERATING
INSTRUCTIONS, AND IT'S GUARANTEED.
YEAH, LET ME SEE THAT.
"STEP ONE: PLACE SNEAKY
SNOOPER NEXT TO WALL."
WALL.
"STEP TWO: PLACE EAR
TO SNEAKY SNOOPER.
STEP THREE: LISTEN."
YOU'VE BEEN HAD AGAIN, LES.
LAUGH IF YOU WANT TO, TARLEK,
BUT I'LL BRING BACK AN
EXCLUSIVE WITH THIS BABY.
YOU, UH... YOU SEEN JOHNNY?
- JOHN?
- YEAH?
- YOU, UH... YOU BUSY?
- IN A SEC.
ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE...
ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE DAYS, HUH?
YEAH.
YOU, UH, SEE ANYBODY
OVER THERE IN THAT CORNER?
NOPE.
NEITHER DO I.
- JUST TESTING YOU.
- OH, YEAH.
I GUESS IT'S A GOOD
THING NOBODY'S THERE.
LISTEN, UH, ARE YOU OKAY, MAN?
YEAH, SURE. FINE. NO.
SOMETHING WEIRD IS HAPPENING.
DID YOU EVER REALLY
GET INTO YOUR HAND, MAN?
I MEAN, ALL THOSE LINES.
IT'S LIKE A... LIKE A
TINY EXPRESSWAY.
YOUR THUMB IS AN OFF-RAMP.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
HMM?
UH...
I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.
- HI, ANDY.
- WHAT?
HI.
THANK YOU.
HERB? COFFEE?
SURELY.
WHAT'S WRONG? YOU NEVER
BROUGHT ME COFFEE BEFORE.
THERE ARE ALL SORTS OF THINGS
I'VE NEVER DONE FOR YOU BEFORE.
HEY, UH,
I KNOW A CLASSY LITTLE
POLYNESIAN RESTAURANT
THAT PUTS UMBRELLAS
IN YOUR DRINKS.
INTERESTED?
YOU CAN TAKE 'EM HOME WITH YOU.
"INTERESTED"?
I'D LOVE IT.
I'M HAVING A FLASHBACK.
THE '60s WERE A CRAZY TIME, ART.
INTERESTING. UH, GO ON.
ANYTHING CAN TRIGGER IT OFF.
THIS TIME, I THINK IT WAS
SEEING SAMMY DAVIS JR.
WEEP ON TV AS HE ACCEPTED
THE DISCO LIFESTYLE AWARD.
YEAH, I THINK THAT COULD DO IT.
HERE.
BIG GUY... HELLO, HUNK.
"HUNK"?
(clicks tongue)
KAREN... SHE LOVES ME,
BUT SHE'S NOT READY
FOR THE MAJORS YET.
CATHY... SHE LOVES ME NOT.
HMM.
HEY, V.F. WHAT'S HAPPENING?
IS THAT WARREN BEATTY OR
HERB TARLEK I SEE THERE, HUH?
IT'S THE SUIT, RIGHT?
SOMEWHERE THERE'S A
VOLKSWAGEN WITHOUT SEAT COVERS.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, THOUGH...
CONGRATULATIONS, MAN.
YOU HAVE DONE IT. YOU'RE GOING
OUT WITH THE QUEEN, THE HEAD MAMA.
- (chuckles)
- HOW DID YOU KNOW?
BAILEY TOLD ME.
- BAILEY?
- I'LL BET YOU'RE SCARED,
AREN'T YOU?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "SCARED"?
(chuckles) AS IN "FRIGHTENED."
YOU DON'T KNOW ME
VERY WELL, DO YOU, 'TRAP.
I GUESS NOT.
I THOUGHT YOU'D BE WORRIED
ABOUT YOUR LIMITATIONS.
HEY, BABY, THIS IS...
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "LIMITATIONS"?
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT
HE MEANS, HERB.
YOU CAN, UH, HEAR THROUGH
DOORS WITH THAT THING, LES?
IT'S A SNEAKY SNOOPER.
YOU ARE NERVOUS, AREN'T YOU?
MAYBE JUST A LITTLE.
BUT I'M SURE YOU'VE BEEN
NERVOUS ON DATES BEFORE, RIGHT?
NEVER ANY PROBLEMS,
NEVER ANY COMPLAINTS.
OF COURSE, I'M NOT A MARRIED MAN
WITH A LOVELY WIFE AND
TWO WONDERFUL CHILDREN
WHO LOOK TO THEIR
FATHER FOR MORAL GUIDANCE
AND THE PRESERVATION OF
THE FAMILY UNIT AS WE KNOW IT.
LOOK, LES,
I HAVE WRESTLED WITH MY DEMONS,
I HAVE HAD MY SLEEPLESS NIGHTS,
I HAVE CHECKED MY
OWN HEART OF DARKNESS,
AND THE BOTTOM LINE IS, PAL,
I GOT TO DO IT.
I AM NOT GOING OUT WITH HIM.
BAILEY, THIS ISN'T WORKING.
WHY ISN'T THIS WORKING?
- WHAT?
- HERB. HE'S GOING
TO GO THROUGH WITH IT.
HE IS GOING TO EXPECT
ME TO GO OUT WITH HIM.
(gasps) WELL, I THOUGHT
IT WOULD WORK.
YOU SAID IT WORKED
FOR YOU A DOZEN TIMES.
DID I SAY THAT?
WELL, MAYBE IT WASN'T A DOZEN.
I CAN'T REMEMBER EXACT
NUMBERS, BUT I HEARD IT WORKED.
BAILEY, THIS IS MY REPUTATION
WE ARE TOYING WITH HERE,
MY LIFE, MY SANITY.
IT WILL WORK, TRUST ME. YOU
JUST HAVE TO GO ALL THE WAY.
"ALL THE WAY"?
THIS IS NO TIME TO RETREAT,
THIS IS TIME TO ATTACK!
BAILEY, IF THIS DOESN'T WORK...
WHY, WE'LL JUST TRY SWEEPING IT
UP HERE AND THEN PIN IT RIGHT THERE...
- HI, HERBIE.
- HI, HERBIE. UH-OH.
WELL, LOOK, GIVE BUNNY
AND LITTLE HERB MY LOVE TONIGHT
WHEN YOU TUCK
'EM IN... BED, THERE.
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT. LUCILLE? LUCILLE?
I LOVE YOU.
I REALLY DO.
NO, IT'S JUST THAT I
LOVE YOU, THAT'S ALL.
I KNOW. ALL RIGHT.
OKAY.
BYE.
WELL, LESTER, I GUESS IT'S TIME
FOR HERBIE TO HIT
THE OLD GLORY TRAIL.
IT'S GONNA BE SOME NIGHT.
TONIGHT, HISTORY
IS GOING TO BE MADE.
TOMORROW, I AM A LEGEND.
I CAN'T DO IT, LES.
YES, YOU CAN.
WHAT?
I KNOW SOMETHING YOU DON'T KNOW.
BUT YOU PROBABLY
WOULDN'T BE INTERESTED
SINCE I FOUND IT OUT
WITH MY SNEAKY SNOOPER.
COME ON, NOW, WHAT IS IT?
THE WHOLE THING IS A BLUFF TO
SCARE YOU AWAY FROM JENNIFER.
- "BLUFF"?
- MM-HMM.
THIS AFTERNOON, I OVERHEARD
JENNIFER TELL BAILEY
SHE HAD NO INTENTION OF SEEING
YOUR DATE THROUGH TO ITS LOGICAL,
ALBEIT SLIGHTLY
UNSEEMLY, CONCLUSION.
I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
SHE INTENDS TO SEE TO IT THAT
YOU'RE THE ONE TO BACK DOWN.
- OH?
- MM-HMM.
WELL, I GOT NEWS FOR THE
LITTLE BLONDE LADY OUT FRONT:
H.T. IS IN FOR THE DURATION.
I MEAN, HERB... (muttering)
(doorbell tones ringing)
- HELLO.
- HI, HERB.
WON'T YOU COME IN?
I'D LOVE TO COME IN, JENNY-POO.
IS THAT WINE?
BAG OF WINE.
THANK YOU.
WHY, HERB, THIS IS A
REALLY FINE FRENCH WINE.
IS IT?
I TOLD THE GUY TO GIVE ME
THE BEST HE'S GOT IN THE STORE
WITHOUT GOING OVER 14 BUCKS.
$13.99.
- MAKE YOURSELF COMFORTABLE.
- OKAY, FINE.
- I'LL FIX SOME COCKTAILS.
- GOOD. I COULD USE A DRINK.
WHAT WOULD YOU...
PERHAPS YOU'D BE MORE
COMFORTABLE IN THE LIVING ROOM.
RIGHT.
WHAT'LL YOU HAVE?
YOU GOT SOME BOURBON?
- I DO. WOULD YOU LIKE
ANYTHING WITH IT?
- OH, SOME NUTS, I GUESS.
SHOULD I, UH, SIT ON
THE COUCH OR THE CHAIR?
DOESN'T MATTER.
(hyperventilating)
ARE YOU OKAY?
(high voice) WHOO!
- I'M FINE. FINE.
- SHOULD I PUT SOME MUSIC ON?
- SURE. YOU WANT TO DANCE?
- OH, NO. NEVER MIND.
OKAY.
(coughing)
(coughing violently)
THIS IS STRAIGHT BOURBON.
YES, THAT'S WHAT
YOU SAID YOU WANTED.
IT IS?
(clicking tongue)
WELL...
THIS IS, UH,
QUITE A PLACE YOU'VE
GOT HERE, JENNY.
THANK YOU.
- FIREPLACE FUNCTIONAL?
- NO.
- (snaps fingers)
- THAT YOUR PIANO?
YES, IT IS.
- BLACK.
- I KNOW.
MOST PIANOS YOU SEE
NOWADAYS ARE BROWN.
- YOU PLAY?
- NO.
GOOD.
WOULD YOU, UH...
WOULD YOU JOIN ME ON THE COUCH?
ALL RIGHTY.
(wheezing)
HERB, WOULD YOU
LIKE TO LIE DOWN?
- WHERE?
- WELL, ON THE COUCH
OR IN THE BEDROOM.
OH, GOD!
HERB, WHY DON'T YOU JUST RELAX?
I'M NOT DOING THIS VERY
WELL, AM I, JENNIFER?
- YOU'RE DOING JUST FINE.
- OH, NO, I'M NOT.
DAMN.
I WANTED TO BE SO
COOL ABOUT THIS TONIGHT,
BUT I CAN'T!
I MEAN, I FANTASIZED ABOUT
HOW THIS WHOLE NIGHT WOULD BE.
IT WAS SO NICE. YOU WERE YOU,
AND I WAS, I DON'T
KNOW, SOMEBODY ELSE,
SAYING AND DOING
ALL THE RIGHT THINGS
INSTEAD OF HYPERVENTILATING
AND SWEATING.
I'M SORRY. PERSPIRING.
OH, HERB, DON'T
PUT YOURSELF DOWN.
I MEAN, THESE THINGS EITHER
WORK OUT NATURALLY OR THEY DON'T.
WE JUST DON'T HAVE
THE RIGHT CHEMISTRY.
NO, NO. NO, NO.
IT'S MY FAULT. I'M SO STUPID!
NO, IT'S NOT
YOU, IT'S... IT'S US.
I BET YOU'RE PRETTY
SUAVE AROUND YOUR WIFE.
SURE, OF COURSE.
SEE? THAT'S WHY THAT
RELATIONSHIP WORKS.
LOOK, I'D, UH,
RATHER NOT TALK ABOUT
MY WIFE, IF YOU DON'T MIND.
WHY NOT?
I FEEL A LITTLE GUILTY.
DON'T.
WE'RE JUST TWO GOOD FRIENDS
GETTING TOGETHER
FOR A FEW DRINKS.
NOTHING MORE?
I NEED TO ASK YOU
SOMETHING, JENNIFER.
OKAY.
DID YOU SAY THAT YOU WOULD
GO OUT WITH ME TONIGHT JUST TO
CALL MY BLUFF AND
GET ME OFF YOUR BACK?
WELL, I CAN'T SAY THE THOUGHT
HADN'T CROSSED MY MIND.
IT WORKED.
BUT, YOU KNOW, THEN I THOUGHT...
"WHY, THIS GUY, HERB,
"HE'S A PRETTY HANDSOME MAN,
"AND HE'S OBVIOUSLY
CRAZY ABOUT WOMEN,
"SO IT WOULD BE ONLY NATURAL
"IF I WERE A LITTLE
MORE THAN INTERESTED.
"BUT..." HE'S NOT MINE.
HE BELONGS TO ANOTHER WOMAN."
SO I THOUGHT,
"WELL, MAYBE I COULD JUST
SHARE HIS COMPANY A LITTLE.
"AND IF I CAN'T HAVE
HIM, ANY OTHER WAY,
THEN MAYBE I'LL HAVE HIM AS
A VERY DEAR FRIEND OF MINE."
YEAH?
YES.
- WELL, THAT'S NOT SO BAD.
- YOU THINK SO?
HECK, NO.
I MEAN, SOMETIMES,
YOU KNOW, I JUST LIKE TO
BE WITH A WOMAN,
YOU KNOW, WITHOUT...
PULLING ANYTHING.
THEN WHY DON'T YOU
TAKE ME OUT TO DINNER?
I'D BE DELIGHTED.
MY WRAP IS IN THE BEDROOM.
OKAY, FINE.
(clears throat)
YOU'D BETTER GET IT.
OKAY.
(kisses)
DON'T FOOL WITH ME, BOY.
Man: WKRP IN CINCINNATI
WILL BE BACK AFTER THIS.
- MORNING, JENNIFER.
- OH, GOOD MORNING,
MR. CARLSON.
UH, ANYTHING I, UH,
NEED TO DEAL WITH?
- OF COURSE NOT.
- MM
- WELL, IN THAT CASE...
- YOU DON'T WANT
TO BE DISTURBED.
- (snaps fingers)
- RIGHT.
- FEELING BETTER, FEVER?
- UH, YEAH, THANK YOU.
I HAD ABOUT 17 HOURS'
STRAIGHT SLEEP.
I THINK I'M SEEING WHAT
I'M SUPPOSED TO SEE.
Herb: ♪ DON'T GO CHANGIN' ♪
♪ TO TRY AND PLEASE ME ♪
♪ YOU'VE NEVER LET
ME DOWN BEFORE ♪
♪ OOH, OOH, OOH ♪
- YOU WERE TERRIFIC LAST NIGHT.
- YOU TOO.
- THANKS FOR THE DRINKS.
- MY PLEASURE.
♪ I JUST WANTED ♪
♪ SOMEONE TO TALK TO ♪
♪ I LIKE YOU JUST
THE WAY YOU ARE ♪
(door shuts)
(rock music plays)
(man singing, indistinct)
(meows)