WKRP in Cincinnati (1978–1982): Season 2, Episode 15 - Herb's Dad - full transcript

YOU LOOK VERY SILLY.

WELL, YOU LOOK VERY SEXY.

OH.

HOW ABOUT IT, JENNIFER?
WHAT DO YOU SAY...

YOU AND ME, HERE, NOW. HMM?

WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?

DANCING. YOU WANT TO DANCE?

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED
TO DANCE WITH YOU.

YOU'RE IN AN AWFULLY
GOOD MOOD THIS MORNING.

- WELL, THANK YOU.
- WHAT'S WRONG?

NOTHING.



I'M JUST, UH, GLAD
TO BE HETEROSEXUAL.

WHAT?

UH, I... IT JUST FEELS
GOOD, YOU KNOW?

I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT. IT'S
JUST THE WAY I FEEL.

MORNING, JENNIFER.
OH, HI, JOHNNY.

HI, A.C. FEEL LIKE DANCING? HMM?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?

OH, NOTHING. HE JUST IS GLAD

TO BE A MAN, AND HE FEELS GOOD.

OH, WELL, THAT'S GOOD. EVERYBODY
SHOULD HAVE THEIR PRIORITIES.

YEAH.

I DON'T RECOGNIZE THE STEP,
BUT YOU LEAD BEAUTIFULLY.

IF YOU'RE NOT DANCING,
PAL, I'M LEAVING.

OKAY.



YOU'RE SORRY NOW, RIGHT?

LISTEN, YOU TWO,
TOMORROW: NUDE WRESTLING.

ART, BE READY.

ANY MAIL?

NO,

BUT YOUR TOY AIRPLANES
CAME THIS MORNING.

"MODEL," JENNIFER.

- "MODEL," NOT "TOY."
- UH-HUH.

WELL, I LINED THEM ALL
UP ON YOUR DESK FOR YOU.

OH, GOD LOVE YOU.

AND ANDY WANTS TO SEE YOU.

- WELL, WAIT AN HOUR,
AND THEN LET HIM ON IN.
- OKEYDOKEY.

HELLO. COULD I HELP YOU?

I THINK YOU HAVE
ALREADY, GORGEOUS.

THE QUESTION IS, CAN I HELP
YOU? WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

JENNIFER MARLOWE,
AND NO, YOU CAN'T.

- WANT TO BUY A TOASTER?
- NO.

FORGET ABOUT TOASTERS.
TOASTERS ARE A BORE.

IT'S THE LESSONS
IN LIFE THAT COUNT.

IS THERE SOMETHING
I COULD DO FOR YOU?

I WOULDN'T TOUCH THAT
WITH A 10-FOOT POLE.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE MR. CARLSON,

I'M AFRAID HE WON'T BE IN
FOR AN HOUR, MAYBE LONGER.

- NOW, LITTLE LADY, I'M SURE
I CAN BE HONEST WITH YOU.
- WHAT ARE YOU SELLING?

ZUNI INDIAN JEWELRY.
EVERYBODY LOVES IT.

WELL, I DON'T THINK

MR. CARLSON WOULD BE INTERESTED.

OKAY, FINE.

DON'T LISTEN TO ME, JENNY-POO.

"JENNY-POO"?

I'VE ONLY BEEN IN
SALES ALL MY LIFE.

OH, NO.

NO, WAIT.

YOU'RE NOT... I MEAN, YOU'RE
NOT... YOU-YOU COULDN'T BE...

YOU'VE GOT IT... HERBERT
R. TARLEK, SENIOR,

AT YOUR SERVICE.

♪ BABY, IF YOU'VE
EVER WONDERED ♪

♪ WONDERED WHATEVER
BECAME OF ME ♪

♪ I'M LIVIN' ON THE
AIR IN CINCINNATI ♪

♪ CINCINNATI, WKRP ♪

♪ GOT KIND OF TIRED OF
PACKIN' AND UNPACKIN' ♪

♪ TOWN TO TOWN, UP
AND DOWN THE DIAL ♪

♪ MAYBE YOU AND ME
WERE NEVER MEANT TO BE ♪

♪ JUST MAYBE THINK
OF ME ONCE IN A WHILE ♪

♪ I'M AT WKRP IN CINCINNATI ♪

95, 96, 97, 98.99...

- IT'S ILLEGAL, HERB.
- IT'S FREE ENTERPRISE, LES.

I RAFFLE OFF MY PAYCHECK TO MY
FELLOW WORKERS HERE IN THE BUILDING,

AND FOR A MINIMAL INVESTMENT,

THEY GET A CHANCE
TO PICK UP A FAST BUCK.

AND, FOR MINIMAL EFFORT,

I GET A CHANCE TO PICK
UP 1,000 TAX-FREE DOLLARS.

IT'S WRONG.

IT'S AMERICAN.

BESIDES, IS IT WRONG TO
PROVIDE FOR YOUR FAMILY,

GIVE THEM THE THINGS THEY NEED?

NOT TO MENTION
THE THINGS I NEED.

- HERBERT.
- YO.

- LISTEN, LET ME TELL YOU HOW
MY MORNING'S BEEN GOING SO FAR.
- UH-HUH.

SEE, I WAS SITTING IN MY
OFFICE TRYING TO RELAX,

LISTENING TO JOHNNY NOT PLAYING
THE SONGS I PICKED OUT FOR HIM,

WHEN SUDDENLY, ON THE AIR
COMES A COMMERCIAL FOR...

- SHADY HILLS REST HOME.
- AH.

THE ONE THAT GOES, "HAVE YOU
EVER WONDERED WHAT WOULD HAPPEN

WHEN YOU CAN NO LONGER FEED YOURSELF?"
YOU KNOW THE ONE I'M TALKING ABOUT.

- I'M GLAD YOU BROUGHT THAT UP.
- WE SPECIFICALLY AGREED

THEY WERE NOT THE KIND
OF CLIENTS WE WANTED, HERB.

- YOU'RE RIGHT.
- THE ADS ARE TASTELESS
AND THE COMPANY IS DISREPUTABLE.

WAIT A MINUTE. NO, THEY'RE NOT.

I KNOW THESE PEOPLE PERSONALLY,

AND THEY PROVIDE DECENT
SERVICES AT REASONABLE RATES.

I WANT THOSE ADS OFF THE AIR.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

THE ADS ARE TASTELESS, I KNOW.

BUT, TRAVIS, IN ADVERTISING,

TASTELESS WORKS.

NO, HERBERT. THE ANSWER IS NO.

OKAY. I'LL REWRITE THE
AD. NO "PROBLEMOS."

- Andy: AH, JENNIFER,
MR. CARLSON IN YET?
- NOT YET.

- LET ME KNOW WHEN
HE GETS IN, WILL YOU?
- SURE.

- HERB?
- YEAH, GORGEOUS?

YOUR FATHER IS IN THE LOBBY.

WHAT?

YOUR DAD IS IN THE LOBBY.

(chuckling) GET OUT OF HERE.

ALL RIGHT. THEN THERE'S A MAN
IN THE LOBBY WITH PERFECT TEETH

CLAIMING TO BE YOUR FATHER.

WHY WOULD SOMEBODY
WANT TO DO THAT?

- WHAT'S HE WANT?
- I DON'T KNOW. WHY DON'T YOU ASK HIM?

(chuckling)

OH, JENNY-POO, LET'S SEE
WHAT YOU'RE UP TO NOW.

WELL, HOW MUCH DOES A
BRACELET LIKE THIS ONE COST?

ART, ART, HOW CAN YOU PUT

A PRICE ON CRAFTSMANSHIP?

WHAT DO YOU THINK IT'S WORTH?

OH, GOSH, I DON'T KNOW.

HEY, ART,

YOU REALLY LIKE
THAT ONE, DON'T YOU?

- WELL...
- (chuckles) I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT.

- THAT'S THE ONE
THE CHIEF MADE.
- OH, YEAH?

BOY, I'M TELLING YOU, IT HURTS. I'M
GONNA LET YOU HAVE THAT FOR 20 BUCKS.

- SOLD, BY GOLLY.
- OH, I MUST BE
SOME KIND OF A FOOL,

BUT I'LL NEVER FORGET
THAT YOU'RE THE ONE

THAT GAVE MY SON A JOB
WHEN NOBODY ELSE WOULD.

OH, WELL... LISTEN, YOU
GOT CHANGE FOR A 50?

NO, I'M AFRAID I
DON'T, BUT LOOK,

WHY DON'T I THROW IN A
LITTLE GEM FOR YOUR WIFE?

- SHE HAD HER NOSTRIL
PIERCED YET?
- NO.

SEE THIS LITTLE GEM HERE? YOU
KNOW WHAT THAT USED TO BE?

THAT USED TO BE A LIVING
INSECT ON THE DESERT.

NOW IT'S AN ANTIQUE.
NOW, YOU TAKE THIS,

I'LL TAKE THE 50, AND
YOU CALL ME CRAZY.

OKAY, SO WHERE IS HE?

- WHO?
- HERB'S FATHER.

- OH, REALLY? CAN I MEET HIM?
- NO. HE'S NOT HERE.

- OH, TOO BAD.
- HI, SON.

- DAD.
- THOSE NEW SHOES?

BOY, THEY REALLY WORK
FOR ME. AND THAT SUIT...

WELL, WHAT CAN I SAY?

YOU CAN TELL ME WHAT
YOU'RE DOING HERE.

I JUST WANT TO SEE YOUR
FRIENDS, FIND OUT WHERE YOU WORK.

SHOULD I BE SHOT FOR THAT? YOU
WANT TO KILL YOUR FATHER FOR THAT?

COULD WE GO SOMEPLACE
AND HAVE A CUP OF COFFEE?

SURE, JUST A MINUTE.
SAY, UH, WHO'S THIS?

THAT'S BAILEY QUARTERS.

BAILEY QUARTERS. I
SHOULD'VE KNOWN.

YOU KNOW MY SON SPEAKS
ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME?

- HE DOES?
- NO, HE DOESN'T,
BUT HE SHOULD.

MY SON IS A LITTLE
BIT OF A JERK.

- DAD...
- OF COURSE, I KNOW
JENNIFER. HOT DOG.

NOT AS WELL AS I'D LIKE
TO, BUT, WELL, THAT'S LIFE.

I WISH I WAS A LITTLE YOUNGER.

OH, NO, NO, DON'T SAY THAT.
YOU'RE NOT OLD, MR. TARLEK.

OH, BOY, THAT'S
KIND OF YOU TO SAY.

PERHAPS WE COULD
HAVE A TALK SOMETIME,

MAYBE A LITTLE DRINK, YOU KNOW?

MAYBE WE COULD LIVE TOGETHER.
KIND OF A CASUAL RELATIONSHIP?

- MR. TARLEK?
- YES? OH, LOOK.

MORE OF HERB'S FRIENDS THAT AREN'T
GIRLS, BUT I'M GLAD TO MEET THEM.

- HOW DO YOU DO, SIR? I'M ANDY TRAVIS.
- OH, ANDY TRAVIS.

YOU'RE THE ONE THAT'S MAKING
LIFE TOUGH FOR MY BOY, HUH?

OH, NO, I'M KIDDING YOU. YOU'VE COME
UP WITH SOME GREAT CHANGES, I SEE THAT.

- IS THAT THE ONE?
- SHUT UP, DAD. PLEASE?

HELLO, MR. TARLEK.
I'M LES NESSMAN.

LES! OF COURSE, LES.

SEE A PSYCHIATRIST, REALLY.
IT'S WORTH THE MONEY.

DAD, WE'RE ALL PRETTY BUSY HERE.

OH, I UNDERSTAND. I
JUST DROPPED BY TO SAY...

MR. TARLEK, WHAT INDIAN
TRIBES LIVE IN JAPAN?

OH, ART. YES, I JUST
WANT TO TELL YOU,

I WANT YOU TO HAVE
THE ENTIRE COLLECTION

- AT NO EXTRA COST TO YOU.
- OH, HEY.

BIG GUY, COULD MY FATHER AND I
USE YOUR OFFICE FOR A SECOND?

WELL, SURE, HERB, IF
YOU THINK IT'S NECESSARY.

MR. CARLSON, I NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT
THE SHADY HILLS REST HOME COMMERCIAL.

SHADY HILLS? YOU
MEAN "SLEAZY HILLS."

THAT PLACE IS A DUMP.
IT'S FULL OF OLD PEOPLE.

- YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS?
- INTIMATELY.

OH. NOW IT ALL MAKES SENSE.

- DAD, COULD WE TALK?
- OH, SURE, SON.

- MR. CARLSON, CAN WE TALK?
- OH, OF COURSE, ANDY.

- UH, LES, CAN WE TALK?
- CERTAINLY.

JENNIFER, I'D LIKE
FOR US TO TALK.

BUT I DON'T HAVE
ANYTHING TO SAY RIGHT NOW,

SO, UH, I GUESS I'LL LEAVE.

OKEYDOKEY, LES.

I LIKE A MAN OF FEW
WORDS. (clicks tongue)

- IS THIS WHERE YOU WORK?
- YES, SIR.

- YOU'VE GOT
AN OFFICE LIKE THIS?
- YEAH, BASICALLY.

BOY, I AM IMPRESSED. WOWEE.

HEY, UH, HOW ARE MY
LITTLE GRANDCHILDREN?

- THEY'RE GOOD.
- GOOD BOY. HOW'S ELAINE?

- LUCILLE.
- OH, YEAH.

GOOD COOK. SO, UH...

SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

SHOULDN'T YOU BE AT THE
HOME WITH YOUR NEW FRIENDS?

ONE WORD: MUCHO BOREDOM.

DAD, NOW, LOOK, WE HAVE BEEN
THROUGH ALL OF THIS BEFORE.

I'M NOT GONNA GO
BACK TO THAT PLACE.

LOOK, WE MADE A
DEAL WITH SHADY HILLS.

YOU SAY YOU'RE
70, I RUN THE ADS,

AND THEY PROVIDE YOU WITH
A VERY NICE PLACE TO STAY,

AND AT A REAL BARGAIN.

NOW, I PULLED JUST ABOUT EVERY
STRING I HAD TO PUT YOU IN THERE.

SON, I THOUGHT I WAS READY
TO RETIRE, BUT I AM NOT.

- I'LL GET THE CAR.
- I WON'T GET IN IT.

RECLINING BUCKET SEATS,
FINE CORINTHIAN LEATHER...

DON'T YOU SWEET-TALK ME, BOY.

- POP...
- YEAH?

NOW, LOOK, MOM HAS
BEEN GONE THREE YEARS.

NOW, YOU WON'T LIVE WITH US,

AND I CAN'T AFFORD
AN APARTMENT FOR YOU.

I SHOULD'VE STAYED IN VEGAS.

WHY? YOU BLEW JUST ABOUT EVERY
DIME YOU HAD ON THAT WAITRESS.

OH, YEAH.

LOOK, YOU ARE GOING
BACK THERE TODAY.

NOW, SON, WAIT A MINUTE.

THERE'S BEEN SOME TROUBLE.

- TROUBLE?
- YEAH, WOMEN TROUBLE AGAIN.

KIMBERLY SUE CRONKITE.

OH, GOOD GOD.

YOU KNOW, SHE'S KIND
OF THE HARD-DRIVING TYPE.

I WAS TRYING TO CALM HER DOWN,

YOU KNOW, IN A
ROOM, AFTER DARK...

- YOU GOT THE PICTURE?
- WELL, DON'T WORRY. I'LL FIX IT.

NOW, LOOK, IT'S
NO FUN THERE, SON.

YOU CAN'T EVEN RAFFLE OFF YOUR SOCIAL
SECURITY CHECK. BUT, SON, I GOT A PLAN.

WHAT PLAN?

GOING TO CALIFORNIA, BUT JUST GOT
TO GET SOME CASH TOGETHER, THAT'S ALL.

LOOK, EVERYBODY
IS NUTS IN CALIFORNIA.

YOU'RE GOING BACK TO SHADY
HILLS. I'M GONNA CALL 'EM.

NO, WAIT, THERE'S SOMETHING-SOMETHING
I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU.

THIS BETTER BE IMPORTANT.

I'M DYING.

(hangs up phone)

I'M KIDDING. (chuckles)

"KIDDING"? THAT'S
NOT VERY FUNNY.

- YOU NEVER COULD TAKE A JOKE.
- THAT'S YOUR IDEA OF A JOKE?

WHY, SURE, IT WAS. I WAS JUST TRYING
TO BREAK THE TENSION, THAT'S ALL.

HOT DOG. I AM DYING.

WHAT?

YOU'RE A BORN SUCKER,
SON. GOT YOU AGAIN. (laughing)

- HI, HAVE YOU SEEN MY FATHER?
- BACK THERE SOMEWHERE.

- THANKS.
- YOU GONNA MAKE HIM
GO BACK TO THAT PLACE?

YES, I AM, AS A MATTER OF FACT.

I JUST FIXED IT, AND HE'S
GOING BACK THIS AFTERNOON.

DOES YOUR DAD KNOW THAT?

- NOT YET.
- OKAY.

- I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
- I BET YOU DON'T.

I BET I DO.

YOU'RE THINKING THAT I'M AN
INSENSITIVE, HEARTLESS, CRUEL SON

WHO WANTS TO
MAKE HIS LIFE EASIER

BY PUTTING HIS OLD MAN AWAY.

- IT'S NONE OF
MY BUSINESS, HERB.
- YOU KNOW, JENNY,

IT'S REALLY EASY FOR YOU
TO SIT THERE IN JUDGMENT,

THINKING THAT I
HAVEN'T QUITE RESOLVED

ALL MY CONFLICTS WITH
DAD YET, YOU KNOW?

THAT HE IS THE GREAT MAN,

AND THAT I NEVER QUITE
MEASURED UP TO HIS

IMPOSSIBLE STANDARD
OF EXCELLENCE.

- WELL, YOU'RE WRONG.
- OKAY, HERB.

OKAY. THAT'S BETTER.

OH.

JUST REMEMBER,

WHEN YOU'RE MESSING
WITH ME, BLONDIE,

YOU'RE PLAYING HARDBALL.

NICE TO SEE SUCH A GOOD,
HEALTHY FATHER-SON RELATIONSHIP.

THANK YOU.

BAILEY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY DAD?

YOU GONNA SEND HIM
BACK TO THAT PLACE?

YES, AS SOON AS I FIND HIM.

NO, I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM.

OKAY, I KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE THINKING.

IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS, HERB.

BUT IT'S NOT GONNA WORK,
BECAUSE I DON'T FEEL GUILTY.

- HERB...
- DON'T START ON ME, NESSMAN.

OH, I THINK YOU'RE
DOING THE RIGHT THING.

YOU DO?

YES.

I'VE OFTEN THOUGHT ABOUT
PUTTING MOTHER INTO A HOME.

HER APARTMENT
SEEMS SO LARGE NOW,

WHAT, WITH HER GETTING
SMALLER ALL THE TIME.

ALL RIGHT, THIS IS STILL
JOHNNY FEVER, STILL HERE,

CONSULTING PHYSICIAN ON
THE CASE FOR REX ERHARDT,

WHO WILL BE BACK IN HIS
REGULAR TIME SLOT, BABIES,

JUST AS SOON AS HE
EXPLAINS TO THAT JUDGE

WHAT HE WAS DOING
WITH THAT CHICKEN.

BUT IN THE MEANTIME, THIS IS
THE ROCKIN' DOCTOR ON A ROLL

ON THE MIGHTY
KRP, WHERE IT'S 3:23,

AND FLASHIN' PASSION FROM
OUT OF THE PAST, LITTLE RICHARD!

♪ LUCILLE ♪

♪ YOU WON'T DO
YOUR SISTER'S... ♪

SO, HOW DO WE PLAY
THIS LIAR'S POKER AGAIN?

WELL, YOU SEE THE REGISTRATION
NUMBERS ON THAT BILL?

YOU PLAY IT JUST
LIKE A POKER HAND.

- NO KIDDING?
- AND YOU CAN BLUFF?

WELL, OF COURSE. THAT'S THE NAME
OF THE GAME. IF YOU THINK I'M LYING,

YOU CALL MY BLUFF, BUT YOU'D BETTER
BE RIGHT, OR I'LL TAKE YOUR MONEY, BOY.

- OKAY. TWO SIXES.
- THREE EIGHTS.

OH, IT'S JUST LIKE A PIPE
DREAM. I'M GOING TO CALIFORNIA,

START MY WHOLE
NEW LIFE. THREE NINES.

EVERYBODY WANTS
FREEDOM. UH, FOUR SIXES.

FOUR EIGHTS. UH,
ANY SIGNS OF SENILITY?

IT'S ALL AROUND, VENUS.

I'M VENUS.

- WHO'S HE?
- THAT'S JOHNNY.

THE BLACK GUY?

NO, NO. I'M THE BLACK GUY.

OH, EXCUSE ME. SIX NINES.

- YOU'RE BLUFFING.
- SIX NINES. THERE IT IS.

I'VE GOT TO SEE THAT. HUH.

SIX NINES. THERE YOU GO.

SIX NINES. (vocalizing tune)

(chattering)

HO, HO, HO, HO. HERB, MR. CARLSON
AND I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

NOT NOW, TRAVIS. I'VE
GOT PERSONAL PROBLEMS.

NO, NO, NO.

JUST HOLD ON, HERB.
SOMEBODY IN THIS STATION

IS RUNNING A NUMBERS
RACKET OFF THEIR PAYCHECK,

- AND ALL THE EVIDENCE
POINTS TO YOU.
- WHAT EVIDENCE?

HERE IS THE "WANT TO WIN
SOME EASY MONEY" CIRCULAR

THAT YOU POSTED IN THE LOBBY.

- YOU CALL THIS EVIDENCE?
- PEOPLE ARE READY TO COMPLAIN
TO THE POLICE ABOUT IT.

ALL RIGHT, EVEN IF IT WAS ME...

AND I'M NOT SAYING
THAT IT WAS...

I WOULDN'T DO IT AGAIN, BUT
CLEARLY, FREE ENTERPRISE IS DEAD.

AND SECONDLY, THESE
SHADY HILLS COMMERCIALS

ARE GONNA GO OFF THE AIR.

RIGHT, MR. CARLSON? MR. CARLSON?

HMM? OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

- SORRY, OKAY?
- OKAY. FINE.

YOU KNOW, I'VE ONLY BEEN IN SALES
ALL MY LIFE. DON'T LISTEN TO ME.

I'M JUST DIRT.

- RIGHT. CAN WE GO NOW?
- YES.

HEY, THERE, SON.

- OH, HI, POP.
- BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER FOR YOU.

YEAH, I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR
YOU. I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

LOOK AT THAT. THE OHIO RIVER.

- YEP.
- BOY, I'VE BEEN SOLD
DOWN THAT RIVER A FEW TIMES.

LOOK, I'VE BEEN THINKING
ABOUT THAT HOME.

- YEAH, SO HAVE I.
- YEAH. SHADY HILLS?

YEP.

UM...

OKAY, HERE'S THE DEAL.

I FIXED IT, AND YOU CAN GO BACK.

BOY, YOU ARE QUITE A SALESMAN.

I DIDN'T THINK YOU
COULD PULL THAT ONE OFF.

WELL...

YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T WANT
TO PUT YOU IN THERE.

I KNOW. YOU KNOW, MAYBE
I SHOULDN'T HAVE RETIRED.

NO, NO. YOU SHOULD'VE.

I MEAN, YOU'VE BEEN ON
THE ROAD ALL YOUR LIFE.

EVEN AS A KID, I REMEMBER
YOU ALWAYS BEING GONE.

BUT I ALWAYS CAME BACK.

I KNOW.

YOU ALWAYS BROUGHT ME THOSE SALT-AND-PEPPER
SHAKERS FROM WHEREVER YOU'D BEEN.

- 'CAUSE YOU COLLECTED THEM.
- STILL DO.

I ALWAYS FOUND THAT
A LITTLE STRANGE, SON.

YOU STILL BOUGHT 'EM FOR ME.

I STILL DO. LOOK.

YOU READY FOR THESE?
THESE ARE BEAUTIES.

NOW, WHERE IN THE
HECK DID YOU GET THESE?

NEVER MIND. I JUST
GOT 'EM, THAT'S ALL.

(laughs) LOOK AT...

I FEEL BAD ABOUT THIS.

I... I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST COME ON
HOME AND JUST STAY WITH US, HUH?

NOW, THIS IS NOTHING
PERSONAL, SON...

I'M SAYING IT IN ALL KINDNESS, BUT
YOUR FAMILY MAKES ME NERVOUS.

WHAT ARE YOU...

YOU SEE? YOU TOOK OFFENSE
EVEN WHEN I WARNED YOU.

I'M SORRY.

- NOW, I LOVE LAURA
AND THE KIDS...
- LUCILLE.

YEAH. I LOVE LUCILLE.

AND, YOU KNOW, THEY'VE
BEEN NICE TO ME AND ALL THAT.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I HAVEN'T
HEARD FROM YOUR BROTHER

IN I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG, BUT
I JUST HATE THAT SHADY PLACE.

BUT WHERE ELSE IS THERE?

WELL, THERE'S CALIFORNIA, SON.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING: I
GOT CONNECTIONS OUT THERE,

AND IT'S WARM.

OLD PEOPLE GET COLD.

NOT THAT I SAY I'M
GETTING OLD OR ANYTHING.

DAD, I JUST DON'T
WANT YOU TO BE ALONE.

YEAH, WELL, I UNDERSTAND THAT,
AND I APPRECIATE YOUR CONCERN,

BUT I DON'T WANT YOU
TO WORRY, I REALLY DON'T.

WELL, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

WELL, SON, YOU KNOW, UM...

YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS LOVED YOUR
MOTHER. SHE WAS A WONDERFUL WOMAN.

AND HER MEMORY'S GONNA
LIVE WITH ME FOREVER.

BUT, UH... UH... WHAT?

WELL, UH, YOU
KNOW, I HAVE, UH...

I HAVE... NEEDS.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

- WELL, I, UH... UM...
- COME ON. WHAT?

A NURSE, 33. BLONDE.

REALLY?

NICE GOING.

BUT, UH, DON'T YOU THINK

THE AGE RANGE IS
A LITTLE STRANGE?

I'LL TELL YOU, SON, THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN YOUNG AND OLD IS,

IT TAKES COURAGE TO BE OLD.

THAT ABOUT SUMS IT UP.

YOU'RE GONNA GO OFF AND
GET MARRIED, AREN'T YOU?

NO, NO. WE'RE GONNA
TRAVEL TOGETHER.

GOING BACK OVER
SOME OF MY OLD ROUTES,

BRING BACK SOME
OF THOSE MEMORIES.

GOING ON TO CALIFORNIA,
MAYBE SETTLE DOWN.

GET US A CONDO.

GOING OUT TO THE BEACH,
WATCH THOSE GIRLS ROLLER-SKATE.

(Herb chuckles)

YOU KNOW, SHE'LL WORK. SHE'S
YOUNG. I'LL WORK. I'M YOUNG.

- A NURSE.
- YEAH.

- BLONDE.
- YOU GOT THE PICTURE.

KIMBERLY SUE...

NO, I LIED ABOUT THAT
ONE. NO, I DON'T KNOW.

LOOK, DON'T YOU THINK, UH...

YOU REALLY THINK GOING OFF WITH
THIS NURSE IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO?

IT'S A DREADFUL
MISTAKE. WAKE UP, BOY.

I GUESS YOU GOT EVERYTHING
JUST ABOUT HANDLED.

WELL, WELL, WELL, I DO.

IS THERE, UH, ANYTHING I CAN DO?

WELL, YOU KNOW... WELL, YOU...

- WHAT?
- A LITTLE PIN MONEY.

FOR TOLLS, TIPS,

YOU KNOW, KNICKKNACKS,
LITTLE ODDS AND ENDS,

SALT-AND-PEPPER SHAKERS,
YOU KNOW, THINGS LIKE THAT.

- HOW MUCH?
- $622.30.

HOW ABOUT...

A THOUSAND BUCKS,
AND KEEP THE CHANGE?

BOY, WHERE DID YOU
GET THAT KIND OF MONEY?

WELL, LET'S JUST SAY
I GOT IT, THAT'S ALL.

BOY, YOU SURE LEARNED A FEW
THINGS FROM YOUR OLD MAN, DIDN'T YOU?

YEAH, I TRIED TO.

YES, SIR. BOY, THAT'S GOOD.

SO, UH...

WHEN ARE YOU THINKING
ABOUT HEADING OUT?

WELL, WE THOUGHT TODAY,
BUT THERE'S NO RUSH.

- I KNOW. YOU'RE DYING.
- NO, NOT ANYMORE, SON.

- POP?
- YEP?

- I'M GOOD.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, SON?

I CAN SELL.

ME. I-I CAN SELL.

I'M REALLY PRETTY GOOD.

THAT'S IMPORTANT
TO YOU, BEING GOOD?

- YOU BETCHA.
- LISTEN TO AGE. THIS IS
A LESSON I ALWAYS LEARNED.

WHAT'S THAT?

YOU'D BETTER BE GOOD,
OR THEY'LL EAT YOU ALIVE.

REALLY?

NO, I'M KIDDING YOU. OH, NO.

- SON?
- YES, SIR?

NOT THAT I'M SAYING I LOVE YOU,

BUT I LOVE YOU.

KRP TIME, 2:20. THIS
IS THE DOCTOR SAYING,

"REX ERHARDT, COME
BACK. I NEED YOU, BABY.

"I CAN'T TAKE THIS DOUBLE
SHIFT MUCH LONGER.

"NOW, YOU CAN BRING THE CHICKEN
AND THE JUDGE IF YOU WANT TO.

"I DO NOT WANT TO BE ACCUSED
OF BREAKING UP A RELATIONSHIP.

I JUST WANT TO GO HOME."

HERE'S THE JEFFERSON
STARSHIP WITH YET ANOTHER TALE

OF FRUSTRATED DESIRE.

♪ JANE, YOU SAY IT'S ALL OVER ♪

♪ FOR YOU AND ME, GIRL ♪

- TWO SIXES.
- TWO NINES.

UH, THREE SIXES.
HEARD FROM YOUR DAD?

OH, YEAH. SENT US A PAIR

OF WAYNE NEWTON SALT-AND-PEPPER
SHAKERS FROM VEGAS.

YOUR DAD IS TOGETHER, MAN.

UH, FOUR NINES.

YEAH, HE DOUBLED HIS
POCKET MONEY AT BLACKJACK.

SIX NINES.

- BULL.
- YEAH. GOT TO CALL.

THAT'S THE SAME HAND
YOUR DAD BEAT ME WITH.

IT'S THE SAME DOLLAR.

(rock music plays)

(man singing, indistinct)

(meows)