WKRP in Cincinnati (1978–1982): Season 2, Episode 17 - The Americanization of Ivan - full transcript
A member of a group of visiting Russians informs the radio staff that they wish to defect. Despite Les's staunch position on Communism, the group works to help the Russian to defect while in Cincinati, only to be thwarted by bureaucracy at the last moment. A ray of light at this point shines through, giving the Russian a way through the "red" tape.
FINALLY, IN PHILADELPHIA,
THOUSANDS RETURNED TO
THEIR HOMES PEACEFULLY.
NOW THIS.
Man: WKRP COMMENTARY
WITH LES NESSMAN...
A GLOVES-OFF, NO-HOLDS-BARRED
PERSONAL EDITORIAL
FROM THE DESK OF LES NESSMAN.
NOW, CINCINNATI'S WATCHDOG,
(voice echoing) LES
NESSMAN, COMMENTARY...
NESSMAN, COMMENTARY...
NESSMAN, COMMENTARY... NESSMAN!
HELLO. THIS IS LES NESSMAN.
YOU KNOW, I HAVE
TO CHUCKLE... (chuckles)
WHEN PEOPLE FROM EVERY WALK
OF LIFE COME UP TO ME AND SAY,
"SAY, LES, WHAT ABOUT
THIS DETENTE THING
"WITH THESE GODLESS,
DECEITFUL COMMUNIST RUSSIANS?
NOW, IS THIS REALLY
GOOD FOR THE COUNTRY?"
WELL... (chuckles)
THE U.S.S.R. WOULD CERTAINLY
LIKE FOR YOU TO THINK SO.
THAT'S WHY, EVEN AS I SPEAK, A
GROUP OF RUSSIAN DELEGATES
ARE FREELY STROLLING THE
BROAD, DAILY-LIGHTED BOULEVARDS
OF OUR QUEEN CITY.
THEY COME HERE UNDER THE GUISE
OF INTERNATIONAL HOG EXPERTS.
WELL, IF THERE'S ONE THING THIS
REPORTER KNOWS ABOUT, IT'S TWO THINGS:
A, HOGS; AND B, COMMUNISTS.
SO TODAY, PRECISELY
AT 11:15 A.M.,
THIS REPORTER WILL APPEAR AT A
JAM-PACKED PRESS CONFERENCE
AT THE RECENTLY REMODELED CASA
DE VIDA HOTEL AND MOTOR COURT
TO GIVE OUR MISGUIDED
FRIENDS A LITTLE DOSE
OF CAPITALISTIC JOURNALISM.
SO STAY TUNED TOMORROW
FOR THE RESULTS
OF THIS IMPORTANT YET MEANINGFUL
CONFRONTATION BETWEEN EAST AND WEST.
IN THE MEANTIME,
THIS IS... LES NESSMAN
SAYING, "GOOD
DAY, AND DON'T TAKE
ANY WOODEN NICKELS, AMERICA."
Man: THIS HAS BEEN
COMMENTARY WITH LES NESSMAN,
WHOSE VIEWS DO REPRESENT
THE VIEWS OF THIS STATION
AND ITS MANAGEMENT.
I DON'T KNOW HOW
YOU DO IT, NESSMAN.
I GUESS IT'S A GOOD THING THAT CARLSON
DOESN'T LISTEN TO HIS OWN STATION.
JOHNNY, HOGS... COMMUNISTS.
THINK ABOUT IT.
♪ BABY, IF YOU'VE
EVER WONDERED ♪
♪ WONDERED WHATEVER
BECAME OF ME ♪
♪ I'M LIVIN' ON THE
AIR IN CINCINNATI ♪
♪ CINCINNATI, WKRP ♪
♪ GOT KIND OF TIRED OF
PACKIN' AND UNPACKIN' ♪
♪ TOWN TO TOWN, UP
AND DOWN THE DIAL ♪
♪ MAYBE YOU AND ME
WERE NEVER MEANT TO BE ♪
♪ JUST MAYBE THINK
OF ME ONCE IN A WHILE ♪
♪ I'M AT WKRP IN CINCINNATI ♪
I'M TELLING YOU,
LES, A DATING SERVICE
FOR REGISTERED SEX
OFFENDERS IS A GOOD IDEA.
I WILL NOT DO AN EDITORIAL
ABOUT SEX OFFENDERS.
WHERE ARE THOSE PEOPLE
GOING TO GO FOR LOVE?
WELL, IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM.
- NOT YET, ANYWAY.
- GOOD MORNING, GUYS.
TRAVIS, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT A DATING
SERVICE FOR REGISTERED SEX OFFENDERS?
OH, SOUNDS GOOD,
HERB. I LIKE IT. EXCUSE ME.
LES, I WANT YOU TO
STOP THESE EDITORIALS.
YOU DO NOT REPRESENT
THE OPINIONS OF THIS STATION,
AND, IN MY HUMBLE OPINION,
YOU DO NOT REPRESENT THE
OPINIONS OF ANYONE I HAVE EVER KNOWN.
AND I WANT IT STOPPED.
AND I'M NOT GONNA GET
MAD ABOUT IT EITHER,
BUT IF IT CONTINUES, I'M
GONNA PUNCH YOU OUT.
- GUESS WHAT, ANDY.
- DEAR GOD, WHAT, LES?
I'M ON MY WAY TO TORPEDO
A PINKO PRESS CONFERENCE.
YEAH, LES, I HEARD ABOUT THAT.
YOU REALLY LIKE THAT SEX
OFFENDER THING, RIGHT, TRAVIS?
- WHERE'S YOUR SEAT, HERB?
- RIGHT OVER THERE.
TAKE IT, AS A
PERSONAL FAVOR TO ME.
I WAS JUST PREPARING
TO SIT AS YOU CAME IN.
ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE DEAL, LES.
I DON'T WANT YOU GOING TO ANY MORE
PRESS CONFERENCES WITHOUT BAILEY,
IF YOU GO TO A PRESS CONFERENCE
AND BAILEY IS NOT THERE,
I WANT YOU TO TAKE
THIS SPECIAL DIME,
AND I WANT YOU TO CALL
ME, AND I WANT YOU TO SAY,
"ANDY, WHERE'S BAILEY?"
OKAY? I'LL PIN THIS DIME
TO YOUR COAT SOMEHOW.
- WHY?
- I'VE HAD IT, LES.
LOOK, YOU'RE A NEWSMAN,
AND YOU'RE A VERY...
YOU'RE A VERY NEWSMAN,
BUT BETWEEN HOGS AND COMMUNISTS,
I THINK YOU'VE LOST YOUR PERSPECTIVE.
- YOU KNOW, TRAVIS...
- AH, AH, AH!
- SORRY.
- I DON'T WANT TO
CRAMP YOUR STYLE,
BUT I ALSO DON'T WANT THIS STATION TO
SOUND LIKE RADIO FREE BELLEVUE EITHER.
OKAY, LES?
WHAT IS BAILEY, SOME SORT OF
DOLLAR-AN-HOUR BABYSITTER?
- OF COURSE NOT. DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
- HI, BOYS.
BAILEY IS YOUR COLLEAGUE.
ANDY, I CHANGED
MY MIND. I WANT $1.50.
YEAH, OKAY. WELL,
THAT'S NO PROBLEM.
ARE YOU READY TO GO?
- YES, I AM.
- Herb: BAILEY,
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT A DATING
SERVICE FOR REGISTERED SEX OFFENDERS?
HMM. SOUNDS GREAT.
I ALWAYS KNEW THAT SOMEDAY
YOU'D START YOUR OWN BUSINESS.
NAH.
Man (with accent): AS A
RESULT OF A NEW HORMONE
BEING INVENTED IN THE U.S.S.R.,
WE HAVE MORE THAN
DOUBLED THE VOLUME OF MEAT
BEING PROCESSED
ON OUR COLLECTIVES.
- Les: BULL.
- "BULL"?
BULL.
BULL... (Russian) ...BULL?
(Russian)
HOWDY DOODY.
IT IS TIME NOW
FOR QUESTION-AND-ANSWER PERIOD.
DO YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS?
YES, I HAVE A QUESTION.
LES NESSMAN, WKRP NEWS.
WHAT I'D LIKE TO KNOW IS,
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE KIDDING?
- "KIDDING"?
- (Russian)
COMMUNISTS DON'T KIDDING.
NEXT QUESTION, PLEASE.
LES NESSMAN AGAIN. I
HAVE ANOTHER QUESTION.
I'D LIKE TO KNOW...
WHAT YOU THINK
YOU'RE TRYING TO PULL.
"PULL"?
(Russian)
A-TEAM.
WOULD PRETTY GIRL WITH GREAT
BODY LIKE TO ASK QUESTION?
OH.
UH, NO. IT'S NOT
MY FIELD... HOGS.
NO? WELL, WHAT IS FIELD THEN?
PLEASE TELL TO IVAN.
WOULD LIKE TO KNOW.
UH...
WELL, I, UH... I WORK
FOR A RADIO STATION.
RADIO? DO YOU PLAY
DECADENT AMERICAN MUSIC?
OH, WHY, YES. YES, WE DO.
LET'S STICK TO PIGS, COMRADE.
PRESS CONFERENCE OVER, HOWDY.
IS VERY BEAUTIFUL LADY,
AND IS GREAT HONOR
TO BE MEETING HER.
OH.
MUST NOW GO SEE
PRIZE-WINNING HOG.
- BYE-BYE.
- BYE.
(men speaking Russian)
WELL ALL THINGS CONSIDERED, I
THINK I HANDLED THAT PRETTY WELL.
WHAT'S THAT?
HE GAVE IT TO ME WHEN
HE KISSED MY HAND.
- WHAT IS IT?
- A NOTE.
A NOTE?
THEN THE RUSSIAN... THE RUSSIAN GOES
TO KISS BAILEY'S HAND JUST LIKE THIS...
- HEY!
- JUST LIKE THIS.
THEN HE SNEAKS HER A NOTE.
OH, LES, THAT HAPPENS
ALL THE TIME, TRUST ME.
BUT THE NOTE SAID,
"PLEASE HELP ME."
THAT'S STANDARD.
LOOK, THE GUY WANTS TO
DEFECT TO THIS COUNTRY.
- WHERE'S BAILEY?
- THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT:
BAILEY WENT TO HELP HIM.
THE NOTE SAID, "PLEASE MEET ME
AT FOUNTAIN SQUARE," AND SHE WENT.
WELL, WHY DIDN'T
YOU GO WITH HER?
TO MEET A COMMUNIST? HA!
HI.
THIS IS IVAN POPA...
SON OF A... OH, MY.
IVAN POPASONAVISKI.
RIGHT. IVAN, THESE
ARE MY FRIENDS.
AND YOU REMEMBER LES.
HOWDY.
- HOWDY.
- HOWDY.
(Russian)
- (Russian)
- OH.
AMERICAN BEAUTY.
MOUNTAIN VIEW!
HOT DOG! ICE CREAM!
(Russian)
GOD BLESS AMERICA.
- HEY, TRAVIS, DID YOU
MEET THE RUSSIAN YET?
- NO, NOT YET.
VENUS BOUGHT HIM
A WHOLE NEW OUTFIT.
SAID ALL THE CAT WANTS IS BLUE
JEANS, SNEAKERS, AND ROCK AND ROLL.
HE ALSO ASKED ABOUT
FUNNY CIGARETTES.
I TOLD HIM NOTHING
LIKE THAT EVER GOES ON
IN RADIO STATIONS.
- HEY, WHERE IS THIS GUY?
- IN THE MEN'S ROOM, CHANGING.
HE IS JUST AS CUTE AS CAN BE,
- AND I THINK HE'S GOT
A CRUSH ON BAILEY.
- NAH.
YOU KNOW, SOMEBODY SHOULD BE
CALLING THE POLICE. THIS IS VERY SERIOUS.
WE COULD ALL BE IN A
GREAT DEAL OF TROUBLE.
HOW DO WE KNOW HE'S
REALLY A DEFECTOR?
HEY, EVERYBODY,
TAKE A LOOK, HUH?
ARE WE TALKING COOL OR WHAT?
- YOU LIKE?
- HEY.
GET DOWN.
HE TEACH.
WELL, YOU LOOK VERY WESTERN.
"HEEP."
DEFINITELY "HEEP."
WHERE'S THE WHITE BELT? I
TOLD YOU TO GET HIM A WHITE BELT.
ANDY, I'D LIKE YOU TO
MEET IVAN POPA SOMETHING.
SON-OF-A-VICHI.
IVAN...
I'D LIKE YOU TO
MEET ANDY TRAVIS.
- HELLO, TRAVISKI.
- HOW DO YOU DO, IVAN?
GOOD.
VERY GOOD.
BLUE JEAN BABY, L.A. LADY,
♪ SEAMSTRESS FOR THE BAND ♪
OH, DEAR. APPARENTLY
ELTON JOHN TOURED RUSSIA.
WELL, TRAVIS, WHAT DO
YOU PLAN TO DO ABOUT THIS?
WELL, LES, I DON'T KNOW.
JENNIFER, COULD YOU CALL
SOMEBODY IMPORTANT ABOUT THIS?
FEDERAL, STATE OR LOCAL.
- PICK A CHOICE.
- NO PROBLEM.
AND I GUESS I SHOULD
INTRODUCE IVAN TO MR. CARLSON.
HE'LL KNOW WHAT TO DO.
WHAT AM I SAYING, RIGHT?
IVAN, COME.
NO, NOT LEAVE BAILEY.
HOLD ME CLOSER, TINY DANCER.
OH, UH, YOU GO
WITH ANDY. IT'S OKAY.
- OKAY.
- OKAY.
IVAN, WHAT PART OF
RUSSIA ARE YOU FROM?
- KIEV, IN UKRAINE.
- OH, IS THAT A FUN PLACE?
Ivan: HA! FORGET IT!
SOMETHING'S GOING ON
HERE. I DON'T TRUST THAT GUY.
TRAVIS?
NO. THE RUSSIAN. THE MEMBER
OF THE COMMUNIST PARTY.
- OH, LES.
- WE'LL SEE.
YES, WE CERTAINLY WILL.
WELL, LET'S SEE.
OH, I CAN'T SEE THAT
WITHOUT MY GLASSES.
AH. NUMBER EIGHT.
ONE, TWO, THREE,
FOUR, FIVE, SIX, SEV...
THAT'S BURNT UMBER.
(whistles) THOUGHT
THAT WAS PAGAN GREEN.
(sighs) WHAT TO DO,
WHAT TO DO, WHAT TO DO?
(knock at door)
SORRY. NOBODY HOME.
GONE SOUTH FOR THE WINTER.
MR. CARLSON?
UH, SIR, I HAVE SOMEONE
HERE YOU SHOULD MEET.
SIR, THIS IS IVAN... IVAN, IVAN.
THIS IS IVAN, UH,
POPA SOMETHING,
- AND HE'S A RUSSIAN.
- UH-HUH.
ACTUALLY, HE'S A
RUSSIAN DEFECTOR.
HE'S ASKED FOR POLITICAL
ASYLUM HERE AT THE STATION.
(chuckling)
- I'M SERIOUS, MR. CARLSON.
- UH-HUH.
HE'S FROM KIEV.
THAT IS IN THE, UH, UH, UKRAINE.
OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL.
WE GOT HIM THESE CLOTHES.
THAT'S WHY HE LOOKS LIKE THIS.
(chuckling)
I'M NOT KIDDING, MR. CARLSON.
THIS MAN IS A RUSSIAN HOG EXPERT.
IVAN, UH, WE GO.
(Mr. Carlson
continues chuckling)
- IT'S TRUE.
- Oh, I know it is.
MM-HMM. MM-HMM. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY
MUCH. UH-HUH. BYE-BYE.
WELL, NOBODY SEEMS TO BE VERY
UP TO DATE ON THE SUBJECT, ANDY,
BUT THIS VERY IMPORTANT
PERSON TOLD ME THAT HE THINKS
YOU GO TO THE NEAREST
U.S. IMMIGRATION OFFICE.
OKAY, GOOD. I'LL GET BAILEY.
IVAN, YOU STAY HERE.
I...
THIS IS UNITED
STATES IMMIGRATION?
COME ON. THERE'S GOT
TO BE ANOTHER ROOM.
I DON'T SEE ONE.
OKAY. WE WAIT.
WE SIT DOWN AND WAIT.
OKAY, I WILL.
YES?
IS THIS UNITED
STATES IMMIGRATION?
- YES.
- WELL, WE NEED YOUR HELP.
- YOU DO?
- THIS MAN IS A RUSSIAN.
HE IS?
- I CAN EXPLAIN EVERYTHING.
- OH, GOOD.
WHY DON'T YOU ALL JUST
COME INTO MY OFFICE?
OH. I'M AFRAID WE DON'T
HAVE ENOUGH CHAIRS.
ONE OF YOU WILL HAVE
TO SIT OUT IN THE LOBBY.
I WILL.
WELL, WE DON'T GET
VERY MANY VISITORS HERE.
THE OCCASIONAL
WORK VISA APPLICATION.
SOMETIMES MY WIFE
DROPS UP. WE GO TO LUNCH.
IS HE A RUSSIAN? REALLY?
DO YOU DANCE, SIR?
UH, NO, NO.
HE DOESN'T. THIS IS
IVAN POPA SOMETHING.
HOW DO YOU DO?
- GOOD.
- HE IS WITH THE...
EXCUSE ME. WHAT IS
YOUR NAME, PLEASE?
- ANDERSON.
- THANK YOU, MR. ANDERSON.
MR. POPA SOMETHING
IS WITH THE...
WHY DO YOU HAVE A PICTURE
OF RICHARD NIXON ON THE WALL?
THEY NEVER SENT ME A CARTER.
BAILEY...
I'M SORRY.
MR. POPA SOMETHING IS WITH
THE VISITING RUSSIAN
AGRICULTURAL DELEGATION,
AND HE WANTS TO
DEFECT TO THIS COUNTRY.
WOW.
- CAN YOU HELP US?
- I DON'T THINK SO.
WHY NOT? RUSSIANS
DEFECT ALL THE TIME.
NOT IN CINCINNATI,
THEY DON'T, NO.
SEE, THIS IS JUST
A BRANCH OFFICE.
NOTHING EVER HAPPENS HERE.
THE OCCASIONAL
WORK VISA APPLICATION,
OR SOMETIMES MY WIFE
DROPS BY AND WE GO...
MR. ANDERSON, WHAT SHOULD WE DO?
WELL, LET'S SEE.
WE COULD FILL OUT THE NECESSARY
FORMS. THAT'S ALWAYS GOOD.
NO, SIR, WE DON'T
HAVE TIME FOR FORMS.
HIS DELEGATION IS GOING TO BE LOOKING
FOR HIM. THEY'RE GOING TO WANT HIM BACK.
WELL, I'M SORRY,
BUT HE JUST CAN'T...
YOU CAN'T DEFECT HERE.
NO. NO, SEE, THERE
ARE A LOT OF THINGS
THAT YOU CAN'T DO IN CINCINNATI,
AND THAT'S ONE OF 'EM.
HOW ABOUT LOS ANGELES?
IS YOUR DELEGATION
GOING TO LOS ANGELES?
NO. NO PIGS IN LOS ANGELES.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT.
MR. ANDERSON, SIR, WHERE ELSE?
UH, LOOK, SEE, THE ONLY PERSON
WHO CAN GRANT POLITICAL
ASYLUM IS A DISTRICT HEAD.
CLEVELAND IS OUR
DISTRICT OFFICE.
IT'S A LOT BIGGER
OFFICE THAN THIS.
THEY HAVE MUCH NICER DESKS.
OH, AND THEY HAVE A CARTER.
GREAT, BIG ONE.
IN OIL.
IVAN, IS YOUR DELEGATION
GOING TO CLEVELAND?
YES, IN TWO DAYS.
YOU CAN DEFECT THERE.
OR... WE COULD DRIVE YOU
TO CLEVELAND TONIGHT.
TONIGHT! GOOD.
WE GO IN BIG CAR WITH TAPE DECK.
YOU BET.
TO CLEVELAND, AND FREEDOM.
IVAN AND BAILEY SIT IN
BACKSEAT, GET DOWN.
WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF THAT, MR. ANDERSON?
I CAN'T ADVISE YOU.
IT'S OUT OF MY HANDS.
I CAN'T EVEN TELL YOU
THAT THE DISTRICT
HEAD IS THORNDIKE.
HOWARD. T-H-O-R-N-D-I-K-E.
- THORNDIKE. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
- GOOD LUCK.
OH, UH, THANK YOU
FOR GIVING ME THE
MOST EXCITING DAY
OF MY WHOLE PROFESSIONAL LIFE.
OUR PLEASURE.
- (door shuts)
- WOW.
OKAY, WHO'S NEXT?
(soft rock plays)
OLDIE-GOLDIE.
PLEASE MAKE BIG REQUEST...
TO BAILEY FROM
IVAN, WITH MUCH LOVE.
WOULD LIKE TO GRAB BAILEY
IN MOST FRIENDLY WAY.
UH, IVAN, I'VE GOT A BETTER
ALBUM IDEA THAN THIS.
- YES? GOOD.
- GOOD, YES.
OH, MUSIC! MUST HAVE MUSIC!
(volume increases, distorts)
- I DO THAT.
- OKAY.
LISTEN, WE'RE ALL SET.
BAILEY, HERE'S YOUR COAT.
OH, THANK YOU.
- DAMN, I LIKE THIS
CLOAK-AND-DAGGER STUFF, HUH?
- YEAH?
CARRYING A RUSSIAN ACROSS
OHIO IN THE DEAD OF THE NIGHT...
YOU TELLING ME MY
LIFE AIN'T WORKING OUT?
SOMETHING'S WRONG. WHAT'S WRONG?
- THERE ARE RUSSIANS
IN THE LOBBY.
- OH, NO.
- DO THEY KNOW IVAN'S HERE?
- WELL, I GUESS SO.
- WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
- RUSSIAN COMRADES HERE?
UH-HUH.
"OOPAH."
IVAN WILL HANDLE EVERYTHING.
NO TROUBLE FOR YOU.
MUST NOT MAKE
TROUBLE FOR FRIENDS.
OLD CLOTHES, PLEASE.
OLD CLOTHES, PLEASE.
THANK YOU, TRAVISKI.
- DON'T GO BACK, IVAN.
- MUST.
OH, IVAN.
OH, HELLO.
WHERE IS IVAN POPASONAVISKI?
OH, THE RUSSIAN GUY?
YEAH, HE'LL BE RIGHT OUT.
UH-HUH.
- (Russian)
- (door opens)
(whistling tune)
- TRAVIS, WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
- RUSSIANS, MR. CARLSON.
(chuckling)
I LOVE IT! GOOD NIGHT.
YOU REALLY OUTDID
YOURSELF THIS TIME, TRAVIS.
(Russian)
EXCUSE ME. IS-IS
THERE A PROBLEM?
IS NO BUSINESS OF YOURS,
CAPITALIST EXPLOITER.
I SEE WITH MY OWN EYEBALLS
CORRUPT SYSTEM HERE, COMRADE.
PTOOEY! I SPIT
ON DECADENT MUSIC
OF ROCK AND ROLL.
(Russian)
IVAN SNEAK AWAY TO SEE
AMERICAN SYSTEM CLOSE UP.
I ONLY PRETEND TO BE FRIEND.
SORRY, BUT IS TRUE.
PLEASE DO NOT BE MAD AT IVAN,
BUT IMPOSSIBLE TO SEE
AMERICA FROM HOTEL ROOM.
I INVESTIGATE. I LEARN TRUTH
ABOUT THIS COUNTRY AND
PEOPLE FROM THINGS I SEE HERE.
MUSIC IS JUST TRICK
TO GET WORKERS
TO BUY MORE THINGS
TO MAKE RICH RICHER.
IS CALLED COMMERCIALS.
OH, DA, DA, DA, DA. THERE HE IS.
LYING MEMBER OF
DECADENT NEWS MEDIA.
LIES TO WORKERS.
PART OF CORRUPT
PROPAGANDA MACHINE.
I AM NOT!
GIVES WRONG BALL SCORES TOO.
SEE?
I TOLD YOU. I TOLD YOU YOU
COULDN'T TRUST A RUSSIAN.
PEOPLE UNHAPPY HERE.
CONDITIONS TERRIBLE.
BLACK MAN HELD
PRISONER IN SMALL ROOM.
COME ON!
- BUT IT IS TRUE.
IT IS NOT TRUE.
- BULL.
- "BULL"?
BULL. I SAY THIS NOW TO EVERYONE
WHO THINK IVAN FOOLED BY THEM.
I WILL NOT STAY HERE
ONE MORE MINUTE.
COMRADES, WE LEAVE
NOW FOR CLEVELAND.
GOOD RIDDANCE. GET OUT! OUT!
STAY OUT OF THIS, LESTER.
IVAN... (Russian)
DA, DA, BUT FIRST, IVAN
HAVE ONE LAST LOOK
AT BOURGEOISIE-EXPLOITED
WOMAN WORKER.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
YOU "NINCOMPOOPIES."
OUT! OUT! (Russian)
IS, UH, CLEVELAND FUN PLACE?
- IT'S KIND OF, UH...
- WELL, IT'S, UH..
- WELL, UH...
- IT HAS, UH...
IT'S A MAGNIFICENT PLACE.
WELL, GOOD.
GOOD.
HOLD ME CLOSER, TINY DANCER.
THAT'S ANOTHER
PROBLEM THEY'VE GOT.
GOOD LUCK, COMRADE.
NO, NO, NO, NO. NOT
"COMRADE," "FRIEND."
Thorndike.
I REMEMBER.
("Tiny Dancer" plays)
♪ BLUE JEAN BABY ♪
♪ L.A. LADY ♪
DAMN.
I WAS KIND OF LOOKING
FORWARD TO GOING TO CLEVELAND.
♪ HOLD ME CLOSER, TINY DANCER ♪
♪ COUNT THE HEADLIGHTS... ♪
(rock music plays)
(man singing, indistinct)
(meows)
THOUSANDS RETURNED TO
THEIR HOMES PEACEFULLY.
NOW THIS.
Man: WKRP COMMENTARY
WITH LES NESSMAN...
A GLOVES-OFF, NO-HOLDS-BARRED
PERSONAL EDITORIAL
FROM THE DESK OF LES NESSMAN.
NOW, CINCINNATI'S WATCHDOG,
(voice echoing) LES
NESSMAN, COMMENTARY...
NESSMAN, COMMENTARY...
NESSMAN, COMMENTARY... NESSMAN!
HELLO. THIS IS LES NESSMAN.
YOU KNOW, I HAVE
TO CHUCKLE... (chuckles)
WHEN PEOPLE FROM EVERY WALK
OF LIFE COME UP TO ME AND SAY,
"SAY, LES, WHAT ABOUT
THIS DETENTE THING
"WITH THESE GODLESS,
DECEITFUL COMMUNIST RUSSIANS?
NOW, IS THIS REALLY
GOOD FOR THE COUNTRY?"
WELL... (chuckles)
THE U.S.S.R. WOULD CERTAINLY
LIKE FOR YOU TO THINK SO.
THAT'S WHY, EVEN AS I SPEAK, A
GROUP OF RUSSIAN DELEGATES
ARE FREELY STROLLING THE
BROAD, DAILY-LIGHTED BOULEVARDS
OF OUR QUEEN CITY.
THEY COME HERE UNDER THE GUISE
OF INTERNATIONAL HOG EXPERTS.
WELL, IF THERE'S ONE THING THIS
REPORTER KNOWS ABOUT, IT'S TWO THINGS:
A, HOGS; AND B, COMMUNISTS.
SO TODAY, PRECISELY
AT 11:15 A.M.,
THIS REPORTER WILL APPEAR AT A
JAM-PACKED PRESS CONFERENCE
AT THE RECENTLY REMODELED CASA
DE VIDA HOTEL AND MOTOR COURT
TO GIVE OUR MISGUIDED
FRIENDS A LITTLE DOSE
OF CAPITALISTIC JOURNALISM.
SO STAY TUNED TOMORROW
FOR THE RESULTS
OF THIS IMPORTANT YET MEANINGFUL
CONFRONTATION BETWEEN EAST AND WEST.
IN THE MEANTIME,
THIS IS... LES NESSMAN
SAYING, "GOOD
DAY, AND DON'T TAKE
ANY WOODEN NICKELS, AMERICA."
Man: THIS HAS BEEN
COMMENTARY WITH LES NESSMAN,
WHOSE VIEWS DO REPRESENT
THE VIEWS OF THIS STATION
AND ITS MANAGEMENT.
I DON'T KNOW HOW
YOU DO IT, NESSMAN.
I GUESS IT'S A GOOD THING THAT CARLSON
DOESN'T LISTEN TO HIS OWN STATION.
JOHNNY, HOGS... COMMUNISTS.
THINK ABOUT IT.
♪ BABY, IF YOU'VE
EVER WONDERED ♪
♪ WONDERED WHATEVER
BECAME OF ME ♪
♪ I'M LIVIN' ON THE
AIR IN CINCINNATI ♪
♪ CINCINNATI, WKRP ♪
♪ GOT KIND OF TIRED OF
PACKIN' AND UNPACKIN' ♪
♪ TOWN TO TOWN, UP
AND DOWN THE DIAL ♪
♪ MAYBE YOU AND ME
WERE NEVER MEANT TO BE ♪
♪ JUST MAYBE THINK
OF ME ONCE IN A WHILE ♪
♪ I'M AT WKRP IN CINCINNATI ♪
I'M TELLING YOU,
LES, A DATING SERVICE
FOR REGISTERED SEX
OFFENDERS IS A GOOD IDEA.
I WILL NOT DO AN EDITORIAL
ABOUT SEX OFFENDERS.
WHERE ARE THOSE PEOPLE
GOING TO GO FOR LOVE?
WELL, IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM.
- NOT YET, ANYWAY.
- GOOD MORNING, GUYS.
TRAVIS, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT A DATING
SERVICE FOR REGISTERED SEX OFFENDERS?
OH, SOUNDS GOOD,
HERB. I LIKE IT. EXCUSE ME.
LES, I WANT YOU TO
STOP THESE EDITORIALS.
YOU DO NOT REPRESENT
THE OPINIONS OF THIS STATION,
AND, IN MY HUMBLE OPINION,
YOU DO NOT REPRESENT THE
OPINIONS OF ANYONE I HAVE EVER KNOWN.
AND I WANT IT STOPPED.
AND I'M NOT GONNA GET
MAD ABOUT IT EITHER,
BUT IF IT CONTINUES, I'M
GONNA PUNCH YOU OUT.
- GUESS WHAT, ANDY.
- DEAR GOD, WHAT, LES?
I'M ON MY WAY TO TORPEDO
A PINKO PRESS CONFERENCE.
YEAH, LES, I HEARD ABOUT THAT.
YOU REALLY LIKE THAT SEX
OFFENDER THING, RIGHT, TRAVIS?
- WHERE'S YOUR SEAT, HERB?
- RIGHT OVER THERE.
TAKE IT, AS A
PERSONAL FAVOR TO ME.
I WAS JUST PREPARING
TO SIT AS YOU CAME IN.
ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE DEAL, LES.
I DON'T WANT YOU GOING TO ANY MORE
PRESS CONFERENCES WITHOUT BAILEY,
IF YOU GO TO A PRESS CONFERENCE
AND BAILEY IS NOT THERE,
I WANT YOU TO TAKE
THIS SPECIAL DIME,
AND I WANT YOU TO CALL
ME, AND I WANT YOU TO SAY,
"ANDY, WHERE'S BAILEY?"
OKAY? I'LL PIN THIS DIME
TO YOUR COAT SOMEHOW.
- WHY?
- I'VE HAD IT, LES.
LOOK, YOU'RE A NEWSMAN,
AND YOU'RE A VERY...
YOU'RE A VERY NEWSMAN,
BUT BETWEEN HOGS AND COMMUNISTS,
I THINK YOU'VE LOST YOUR PERSPECTIVE.
- YOU KNOW, TRAVIS...
- AH, AH, AH!
- SORRY.
- I DON'T WANT TO
CRAMP YOUR STYLE,
BUT I ALSO DON'T WANT THIS STATION TO
SOUND LIKE RADIO FREE BELLEVUE EITHER.
OKAY, LES?
WHAT IS BAILEY, SOME SORT OF
DOLLAR-AN-HOUR BABYSITTER?
- OF COURSE NOT. DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
- HI, BOYS.
BAILEY IS YOUR COLLEAGUE.
ANDY, I CHANGED
MY MIND. I WANT $1.50.
YEAH, OKAY. WELL,
THAT'S NO PROBLEM.
ARE YOU READY TO GO?
- YES, I AM.
- Herb: BAILEY,
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT A DATING
SERVICE FOR REGISTERED SEX OFFENDERS?
HMM. SOUNDS GREAT.
I ALWAYS KNEW THAT SOMEDAY
YOU'D START YOUR OWN BUSINESS.
NAH.
Man (with accent): AS A
RESULT OF A NEW HORMONE
BEING INVENTED IN THE U.S.S.R.,
WE HAVE MORE THAN
DOUBLED THE VOLUME OF MEAT
BEING PROCESSED
ON OUR COLLECTIVES.
- Les: BULL.
- "BULL"?
BULL.
BULL... (Russian) ...BULL?
(Russian)
HOWDY DOODY.
IT IS TIME NOW
FOR QUESTION-AND-ANSWER PERIOD.
DO YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS?
YES, I HAVE A QUESTION.
LES NESSMAN, WKRP NEWS.
WHAT I'D LIKE TO KNOW IS,
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE KIDDING?
- "KIDDING"?
- (Russian)
COMMUNISTS DON'T KIDDING.
NEXT QUESTION, PLEASE.
LES NESSMAN AGAIN. I
HAVE ANOTHER QUESTION.
I'D LIKE TO KNOW...
WHAT YOU THINK
YOU'RE TRYING TO PULL.
"PULL"?
(Russian)
A-TEAM.
WOULD PRETTY GIRL WITH GREAT
BODY LIKE TO ASK QUESTION?
OH.
UH, NO. IT'S NOT
MY FIELD... HOGS.
NO? WELL, WHAT IS FIELD THEN?
PLEASE TELL TO IVAN.
WOULD LIKE TO KNOW.
UH...
WELL, I, UH... I WORK
FOR A RADIO STATION.
RADIO? DO YOU PLAY
DECADENT AMERICAN MUSIC?
OH, WHY, YES. YES, WE DO.
LET'S STICK TO PIGS, COMRADE.
PRESS CONFERENCE OVER, HOWDY.
IS VERY BEAUTIFUL LADY,
AND IS GREAT HONOR
TO BE MEETING HER.
OH.
MUST NOW GO SEE
PRIZE-WINNING HOG.
- BYE-BYE.
- BYE.
(men speaking Russian)
WELL ALL THINGS CONSIDERED, I
THINK I HANDLED THAT PRETTY WELL.
WHAT'S THAT?
HE GAVE IT TO ME WHEN
HE KISSED MY HAND.
- WHAT IS IT?
- A NOTE.
A NOTE?
THEN THE RUSSIAN... THE RUSSIAN GOES
TO KISS BAILEY'S HAND JUST LIKE THIS...
- HEY!
- JUST LIKE THIS.
THEN HE SNEAKS HER A NOTE.
OH, LES, THAT HAPPENS
ALL THE TIME, TRUST ME.
BUT THE NOTE SAID,
"PLEASE HELP ME."
THAT'S STANDARD.
LOOK, THE GUY WANTS TO
DEFECT TO THIS COUNTRY.
- WHERE'S BAILEY?
- THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT:
BAILEY WENT TO HELP HIM.
THE NOTE SAID, "PLEASE MEET ME
AT FOUNTAIN SQUARE," AND SHE WENT.
WELL, WHY DIDN'T
YOU GO WITH HER?
TO MEET A COMMUNIST? HA!
HI.
THIS IS IVAN POPA...
SON OF A... OH, MY.
IVAN POPASONAVISKI.
RIGHT. IVAN, THESE
ARE MY FRIENDS.
AND YOU REMEMBER LES.
HOWDY.
- HOWDY.
- HOWDY.
(Russian)
- (Russian)
- OH.
AMERICAN BEAUTY.
MOUNTAIN VIEW!
HOT DOG! ICE CREAM!
(Russian)
GOD BLESS AMERICA.
- HEY, TRAVIS, DID YOU
MEET THE RUSSIAN YET?
- NO, NOT YET.
VENUS BOUGHT HIM
A WHOLE NEW OUTFIT.
SAID ALL THE CAT WANTS IS BLUE
JEANS, SNEAKERS, AND ROCK AND ROLL.
HE ALSO ASKED ABOUT
FUNNY CIGARETTES.
I TOLD HIM NOTHING
LIKE THAT EVER GOES ON
IN RADIO STATIONS.
- HEY, WHERE IS THIS GUY?
- IN THE MEN'S ROOM, CHANGING.
HE IS JUST AS CUTE AS CAN BE,
- AND I THINK HE'S GOT
A CRUSH ON BAILEY.
- NAH.
YOU KNOW, SOMEBODY SHOULD BE
CALLING THE POLICE. THIS IS VERY SERIOUS.
WE COULD ALL BE IN A
GREAT DEAL OF TROUBLE.
HOW DO WE KNOW HE'S
REALLY A DEFECTOR?
HEY, EVERYBODY,
TAKE A LOOK, HUH?
ARE WE TALKING COOL OR WHAT?
- YOU LIKE?
- HEY.
GET DOWN.
HE TEACH.
WELL, YOU LOOK VERY WESTERN.
"HEEP."
DEFINITELY "HEEP."
WHERE'S THE WHITE BELT? I
TOLD YOU TO GET HIM A WHITE BELT.
ANDY, I'D LIKE YOU TO
MEET IVAN POPA SOMETHING.
SON-OF-A-VICHI.
IVAN...
I'D LIKE YOU TO
MEET ANDY TRAVIS.
- HELLO, TRAVISKI.
- HOW DO YOU DO, IVAN?
GOOD.
VERY GOOD.
BLUE JEAN BABY, L.A. LADY,
♪ SEAMSTRESS FOR THE BAND ♪
OH, DEAR. APPARENTLY
ELTON JOHN TOURED RUSSIA.
WELL, TRAVIS, WHAT DO
YOU PLAN TO DO ABOUT THIS?
WELL, LES, I DON'T KNOW.
JENNIFER, COULD YOU CALL
SOMEBODY IMPORTANT ABOUT THIS?
FEDERAL, STATE OR LOCAL.
- PICK A CHOICE.
- NO PROBLEM.
AND I GUESS I SHOULD
INTRODUCE IVAN TO MR. CARLSON.
HE'LL KNOW WHAT TO DO.
WHAT AM I SAYING, RIGHT?
IVAN, COME.
NO, NOT LEAVE BAILEY.
HOLD ME CLOSER, TINY DANCER.
OH, UH, YOU GO
WITH ANDY. IT'S OKAY.
- OKAY.
- OKAY.
IVAN, WHAT PART OF
RUSSIA ARE YOU FROM?
- KIEV, IN UKRAINE.
- OH, IS THAT A FUN PLACE?
Ivan: HA! FORGET IT!
SOMETHING'S GOING ON
HERE. I DON'T TRUST THAT GUY.
TRAVIS?
NO. THE RUSSIAN. THE MEMBER
OF THE COMMUNIST PARTY.
- OH, LES.
- WE'LL SEE.
YES, WE CERTAINLY WILL.
WELL, LET'S SEE.
OH, I CAN'T SEE THAT
WITHOUT MY GLASSES.
AH. NUMBER EIGHT.
ONE, TWO, THREE,
FOUR, FIVE, SIX, SEV...
THAT'S BURNT UMBER.
(whistles) THOUGHT
THAT WAS PAGAN GREEN.
(sighs) WHAT TO DO,
WHAT TO DO, WHAT TO DO?
(knock at door)
SORRY. NOBODY HOME.
GONE SOUTH FOR THE WINTER.
MR. CARLSON?
UH, SIR, I HAVE SOMEONE
HERE YOU SHOULD MEET.
SIR, THIS IS IVAN... IVAN, IVAN.
THIS IS IVAN, UH,
POPA SOMETHING,
- AND HE'S A RUSSIAN.
- UH-HUH.
ACTUALLY, HE'S A
RUSSIAN DEFECTOR.
HE'S ASKED FOR POLITICAL
ASYLUM HERE AT THE STATION.
(chuckling)
- I'M SERIOUS, MR. CARLSON.
- UH-HUH.
HE'S FROM KIEV.
THAT IS IN THE, UH, UH, UKRAINE.
OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL.
WE GOT HIM THESE CLOTHES.
THAT'S WHY HE LOOKS LIKE THIS.
(chuckling)
I'M NOT KIDDING, MR. CARLSON.
THIS MAN IS A RUSSIAN HOG EXPERT.
IVAN, UH, WE GO.
(Mr. Carlson
continues chuckling)
- IT'S TRUE.
- Oh, I know it is.
MM-HMM. MM-HMM. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY
MUCH. UH-HUH. BYE-BYE.
WELL, NOBODY SEEMS TO BE VERY
UP TO DATE ON THE SUBJECT, ANDY,
BUT THIS VERY IMPORTANT
PERSON TOLD ME THAT HE THINKS
YOU GO TO THE NEAREST
U.S. IMMIGRATION OFFICE.
OKAY, GOOD. I'LL GET BAILEY.
IVAN, YOU STAY HERE.
I...
THIS IS UNITED
STATES IMMIGRATION?
COME ON. THERE'S GOT
TO BE ANOTHER ROOM.
I DON'T SEE ONE.
OKAY. WE WAIT.
WE SIT DOWN AND WAIT.
OKAY, I WILL.
YES?
IS THIS UNITED
STATES IMMIGRATION?
- YES.
- WELL, WE NEED YOUR HELP.
- YOU DO?
- THIS MAN IS A RUSSIAN.
HE IS?
- I CAN EXPLAIN EVERYTHING.
- OH, GOOD.
WHY DON'T YOU ALL JUST
COME INTO MY OFFICE?
OH. I'M AFRAID WE DON'T
HAVE ENOUGH CHAIRS.
ONE OF YOU WILL HAVE
TO SIT OUT IN THE LOBBY.
I WILL.
WELL, WE DON'T GET
VERY MANY VISITORS HERE.
THE OCCASIONAL
WORK VISA APPLICATION.
SOMETIMES MY WIFE
DROPS UP. WE GO TO LUNCH.
IS HE A RUSSIAN? REALLY?
DO YOU DANCE, SIR?
UH, NO, NO.
HE DOESN'T. THIS IS
IVAN POPA SOMETHING.
HOW DO YOU DO?
- GOOD.
- HE IS WITH THE...
EXCUSE ME. WHAT IS
YOUR NAME, PLEASE?
- ANDERSON.
- THANK YOU, MR. ANDERSON.
MR. POPA SOMETHING
IS WITH THE...
WHY DO YOU HAVE A PICTURE
OF RICHARD NIXON ON THE WALL?
THEY NEVER SENT ME A CARTER.
BAILEY...
I'M SORRY.
MR. POPA SOMETHING IS WITH
THE VISITING RUSSIAN
AGRICULTURAL DELEGATION,
AND HE WANTS TO
DEFECT TO THIS COUNTRY.
WOW.
- CAN YOU HELP US?
- I DON'T THINK SO.
WHY NOT? RUSSIANS
DEFECT ALL THE TIME.
NOT IN CINCINNATI,
THEY DON'T, NO.
SEE, THIS IS JUST
A BRANCH OFFICE.
NOTHING EVER HAPPENS HERE.
THE OCCASIONAL
WORK VISA APPLICATION,
OR SOMETIMES MY WIFE
DROPS BY AND WE GO...
MR. ANDERSON, WHAT SHOULD WE DO?
WELL, LET'S SEE.
WE COULD FILL OUT THE NECESSARY
FORMS. THAT'S ALWAYS GOOD.
NO, SIR, WE DON'T
HAVE TIME FOR FORMS.
HIS DELEGATION IS GOING TO BE LOOKING
FOR HIM. THEY'RE GOING TO WANT HIM BACK.
WELL, I'M SORRY,
BUT HE JUST CAN'T...
YOU CAN'T DEFECT HERE.
NO. NO, SEE, THERE
ARE A LOT OF THINGS
THAT YOU CAN'T DO IN CINCINNATI,
AND THAT'S ONE OF 'EM.
HOW ABOUT LOS ANGELES?
IS YOUR DELEGATION
GOING TO LOS ANGELES?
NO. NO PIGS IN LOS ANGELES.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT.
MR. ANDERSON, SIR, WHERE ELSE?
UH, LOOK, SEE, THE ONLY PERSON
WHO CAN GRANT POLITICAL
ASYLUM IS A DISTRICT HEAD.
CLEVELAND IS OUR
DISTRICT OFFICE.
IT'S A LOT BIGGER
OFFICE THAN THIS.
THEY HAVE MUCH NICER DESKS.
OH, AND THEY HAVE A CARTER.
GREAT, BIG ONE.
IN OIL.
IVAN, IS YOUR DELEGATION
GOING TO CLEVELAND?
YES, IN TWO DAYS.
YOU CAN DEFECT THERE.
OR... WE COULD DRIVE YOU
TO CLEVELAND TONIGHT.
TONIGHT! GOOD.
WE GO IN BIG CAR WITH TAPE DECK.
YOU BET.
TO CLEVELAND, AND FREEDOM.
IVAN AND BAILEY SIT IN
BACKSEAT, GET DOWN.
WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF THAT, MR. ANDERSON?
I CAN'T ADVISE YOU.
IT'S OUT OF MY HANDS.
I CAN'T EVEN TELL YOU
THAT THE DISTRICT
HEAD IS THORNDIKE.
HOWARD. T-H-O-R-N-D-I-K-E.
- THORNDIKE. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
- GOOD LUCK.
OH, UH, THANK YOU
FOR GIVING ME THE
MOST EXCITING DAY
OF MY WHOLE PROFESSIONAL LIFE.
OUR PLEASURE.
- (door shuts)
- WOW.
OKAY, WHO'S NEXT?
(soft rock plays)
OLDIE-GOLDIE.
PLEASE MAKE BIG REQUEST...
TO BAILEY FROM
IVAN, WITH MUCH LOVE.
WOULD LIKE TO GRAB BAILEY
IN MOST FRIENDLY WAY.
UH, IVAN, I'VE GOT A BETTER
ALBUM IDEA THAN THIS.
- YES? GOOD.
- GOOD, YES.
OH, MUSIC! MUST HAVE MUSIC!
(volume increases, distorts)
- I DO THAT.
- OKAY.
LISTEN, WE'RE ALL SET.
BAILEY, HERE'S YOUR COAT.
OH, THANK YOU.
- DAMN, I LIKE THIS
CLOAK-AND-DAGGER STUFF, HUH?
- YEAH?
CARRYING A RUSSIAN ACROSS
OHIO IN THE DEAD OF THE NIGHT...
YOU TELLING ME MY
LIFE AIN'T WORKING OUT?
SOMETHING'S WRONG. WHAT'S WRONG?
- THERE ARE RUSSIANS
IN THE LOBBY.
- OH, NO.
- DO THEY KNOW IVAN'S HERE?
- WELL, I GUESS SO.
- WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
- RUSSIAN COMRADES HERE?
UH-HUH.
"OOPAH."
IVAN WILL HANDLE EVERYTHING.
NO TROUBLE FOR YOU.
MUST NOT MAKE
TROUBLE FOR FRIENDS.
OLD CLOTHES, PLEASE.
OLD CLOTHES, PLEASE.
THANK YOU, TRAVISKI.
- DON'T GO BACK, IVAN.
- MUST.
OH, IVAN.
OH, HELLO.
WHERE IS IVAN POPASONAVISKI?
OH, THE RUSSIAN GUY?
YEAH, HE'LL BE RIGHT OUT.
UH-HUH.
- (Russian)
- (door opens)
(whistling tune)
- TRAVIS, WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
- RUSSIANS, MR. CARLSON.
(chuckling)
I LOVE IT! GOOD NIGHT.
YOU REALLY OUTDID
YOURSELF THIS TIME, TRAVIS.
(Russian)
EXCUSE ME. IS-IS
THERE A PROBLEM?
IS NO BUSINESS OF YOURS,
CAPITALIST EXPLOITER.
I SEE WITH MY OWN EYEBALLS
CORRUPT SYSTEM HERE, COMRADE.
PTOOEY! I SPIT
ON DECADENT MUSIC
OF ROCK AND ROLL.
(Russian)
IVAN SNEAK AWAY TO SEE
AMERICAN SYSTEM CLOSE UP.
I ONLY PRETEND TO BE FRIEND.
SORRY, BUT IS TRUE.
PLEASE DO NOT BE MAD AT IVAN,
BUT IMPOSSIBLE TO SEE
AMERICA FROM HOTEL ROOM.
I INVESTIGATE. I LEARN TRUTH
ABOUT THIS COUNTRY AND
PEOPLE FROM THINGS I SEE HERE.
MUSIC IS JUST TRICK
TO GET WORKERS
TO BUY MORE THINGS
TO MAKE RICH RICHER.
IS CALLED COMMERCIALS.
OH, DA, DA, DA, DA. THERE HE IS.
LYING MEMBER OF
DECADENT NEWS MEDIA.
LIES TO WORKERS.
PART OF CORRUPT
PROPAGANDA MACHINE.
I AM NOT!
GIVES WRONG BALL SCORES TOO.
SEE?
I TOLD YOU. I TOLD YOU YOU
COULDN'T TRUST A RUSSIAN.
PEOPLE UNHAPPY HERE.
CONDITIONS TERRIBLE.
BLACK MAN HELD
PRISONER IN SMALL ROOM.
COME ON!
- BUT IT IS TRUE.
IT IS NOT TRUE.
- BULL.
- "BULL"?
BULL. I SAY THIS NOW TO EVERYONE
WHO THINK IVAN FOOLED BY THEM.
I WILL NOT STAY HERE
ONE MORE MINUTE.
COMRADES, WE LEAVE
NOW FOR CLEVELAND.
GOOD RIDDANCE. GET OUT! OUT!
STAY OUT OF THIS, LESTER.
IVAN... (Russian)
DA, DA, BUT FIRST, IVAN
HAVE ONE LAST LOOK
AT BOURGEOISIE-EXPLOITED
WOMAN WORKER.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
YOU "NINCOMPOOPIES."
OUT! OUT! (Russian)
IS, UH, CLEVELAND FUN PLACE?
- IT'S KIND OF, UH...
- WELL, IT'S, UH..
- WELL, UH...
- IT HAS, UH...
IT'S A MAGNIFICENT PLACE.
WELL, GOOD.
GOOD.
HOLD ME CLOSER, TINY DANCER.
THAT'S ANOTHER
PROBLEM THEY'VE GOT.
GOOD LUCK, COMRADE.
NO, NO, NO, NO. NOT
"COMRADE," "FRIEND."
Thorndike.
I REMEMBER.
("Tiny Dancer" plays)
♪ BLUE JEAN BABY ♪
♪ L.A. LADY ♪
DAMN.
I WAS KIND OF LOOKING
FORWARD TO GOING TO CLEVELAND.
♪ HOLD ME CLOSER, TINY DANCER ♪
♪ COUNT THE HEADLIGHTS... ♪
(rock music plays)
(man singing, indistinct)
(meows)