WKRP in Cincinnati (1978–1982): Season 1, Episode 7 - Turkeys Away - full transcript

WEATHER TODAY IN THE
GREATER CINCINNATI AREA...

♪ I LOVE YOU SO
BADLY I COULD... ♪

THEY'RE SOLID PLASTIC, SO
DON'T SETTLE FOR IMITATION...

BUT THE SENATOR, WHILE
INSISTING HE WAS NOT INTOXICATED,

COULD NOT EXPLAIN HIS NUDITY.

♪♪

♪♪

♪ BABY IF YOU'VE EVER WONDERED ♪

♪ WONDERED WHATEVER
BECAME OF ME ♪

♪ I'M LIVING ON THE
AIR IN CINCINNATI ♪

♪ CINCINNATI, WKRP ♪



♪ GOT KIND OF TIRED OF
PACKING AND UNPACKING ♪

♪ TOWN TO TOWN UP
AND DOWN THE DIAL ♪

♪ MAYBE YOU AND ME
WERE NEVER MEANT TO BE ♪

♪ JUST MAYBE THINK
OF ME ONCE IN A WHILE ♪

♪ I'M AT WKRP ♪

♪ IN CINCINNATI ♪♪

OH, THAT'S FINE.

THAT SHOULD DO IT. NO,
THAT'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

THERE'S NO NEED TO BOTHER MR. CARLSON
WITH THIS. HE'S A VERY BUSY MAN.

THANK YOU.

OH, GOOD MORNING, MR. CARLSON.
MORNING, JENNIFER. HEY, WHAT WAS THAT?

- NOTHING YOU NEED
TO KNOW ABOUT.
- AH, GOOD.

I SURE LIKE THE WAY
YOU HANDLE THINGS.

JUST ALL PART OF MY JOB.
WELL, NOBODY DOES IT BETTER.



HOW ABOUT THE MAIL? UH, UH, UH,
UH. THAT'S THE IMPORTANT STUFF.

THIS IS YOURS.

OH. WELL, I-I'M SORRY.

GOOD MORNING, BIG GUY.
OH, HEY, HERB, HOW'S IT GOING?

UH, TERRIFIC. EXCUSE ME.

MORNING, GORGEOUS.

YOU GOT ANYTHING, UH, FOR ME?

ONLY THE MAIL, HERB. THAT'S
ALL I'LL EVER HAVE FOR YOU.

HEY, HERB, I KNOW
YOU'RE IN A HURRY,

BUT CAN I HAVE A MINUTE? SURELY.

UH, I WAS JUST WONDERING
HOW THINGS WERE GOING IN SALES.

FINE. JUST FINE. AH.

YOU KNOW, IT'S BEEN QUITE A
WHILE SINCE THE FORMAT CHANGE.

I JUST, YOU KNOW,
THOUGHT I'D ASK.

EVERYTHING'S SQUARED AWAY,
BIG GUY. THANKSGIVING'S COMING UP,

AND I GOT A LOT OF
SPECIAL STUFF IN THE WORKS.

GOOD, GOOD. HEY, I'M
GLAD TO HEAR IT. YEAH.

PREVIOUS MANAGEMENT HAD THINGS
PRETTY WELL SCREWED UP AROUND HERE.

NO OFFENSE.

WKRP.

NO, I'M AFRAID HE'S NOT IN.

NO, I'M SORRY. MR. CARLSON
NEVER RETURNS CALLS.

- LES. HOW'S IT GOING?
- HOW'S WHAT GOING?

BUSINESS, THE NEWS
GAME... YOUR DEPARTMENT.

WHO WANTS TO KNOW?

WELL, YOU KNOW, JUST
ME, THE STATION MANAGER.

WELL, IN THAT CASE, IT'S
GOING JUST FINE. NO PROBLEMS.

GOOD. GOOD. YEAH.

WHAT, UH, SEEMS TO BE
THE BIG STORY OF THE DAY?

- TAXES. NOBODY WANTS
TO PAY THEM ANYMORE.
- AH, I SEE.

AND IN OTHER HEADLINES,
THURSDAY IS THANKSGIVING AGAIN.

INFLATION CONTINUES. THERE'S
MORE FIGHTING IN AFRICA.

AND IN FOOTBALL, THIS MAY BE
THE WEEK FOR THE BENGALS. AH.

OR MAYBE NOT. OH.

TURNING TO THE WEATHER,
IT'S 45 DEGREES AND CLOUDY.

THANKS FOR THAT UPDATE, LES.

- KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.
- NO PROBLEM.

DON'T TOUCH THOSE.

I... I THINK I'LL PROBABLY
JUST SLIP OUT BACK, JENNIFER,

AND LOOK AROUND,
MAYBE REVIEW THE TROOPS.

RATTLE A FEW CAGES.

OKEYDOKEY.

IF ANYTHING, YOU KNOW, BIG
COMES UP, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK HERE.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

♪♪

- HELLO.
- HELLO.

OH, HELLO. IS TRAVIS IN?

UH, NO. NO.

- HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- NOTHING.

AH. YOU'RE OFF DUTY, HUH? HOW
ABOUT YOU? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

UH, I'M WORKING ON
A PROMOTION IDEA.

YEAH? WELL, MAYBE I CAN
BE OF SOME ASSISTANCE.

IT'S PROBABLY NOTHING
YOU'D BE INTERESTED IN.

YOUNG LADY, I'VE
DONE THOUSANDS OF

PROMOTIONS IN MY DAY.
NOW WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

WELL, UH, WE DON'T KNOW
WHETHER TO GIVE AWAY...

BOSTON T-SHIRTS OR
FOREIGNER T-SHIRTS.

BOSTON. FOREIGN STUFF SHRINKS.

YES, SIR.

ANYTHING ELSE? NO,
THAT-THAT'S ABOUT IT.

AH, GOOD. WELL, LISTEN, IT WAS
NICE SPEAKING WITH YOU BOTH.

MORNING, MR. CARLSON.
YOU WANTED TO SEE ME?

YEAH, UH, ANDY. UM... WHY DON'T
YOU COME RIGHT ON IN HERE?

MATTER OF FACT, TRAVIS, JUST COME
RIGHT OVER HERE AND, UH, TAKE A SEAT.

SIT DOWN RIGHT THERE. GET
YOU ANYTHING? COFFEE? GUM?

UH, NO, I'M-I'M FINE. AH. GOOD.

WELL, THEN LET'S... WHY DON'T
YOU JUST PUT THOSE SHINY BOOTS...

RIGHT UP THERE ON
THE DESK LIKE THAT.

RELAX, YOU RASCAL,
YOU SO-AND-SO,

YOU ROUGH-AND-READY
GUY, YOU, HUH?

YOU JUST GET COMFORTABLE THERE
AND THEN GIVE ME THE BIG PICTURE.

BIG PICTURE? YEAH, YOU KNOW.

GIVE ME THE RUNDOWN,
YOUR VIEW FROM THE TOP.

I MEAN, YOU'RE MY RIGHT ARM, MAN.
WHAT'S HAPPENING OUT THERE IN THE FIELD?

OH, YOU MEAN, HOW'S BUSINESS?
YEAH. YEAH. JUST, YOU KNOW,

SHOOT IT TO ME
STRAIGHT, HOTSHOT.

- WELL, EVERYTHING'S FINE.
- OH, LISTEN.

I GET THAT ANSWER FROM EVERYBODY
AROUND HERE. "OH, NO PROBLEM."

WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON, TRAVIS?

NOTHING!

WELL, I DON'T LIKE
IT. IT'S TOO QUIET.

WELL, DO YOU THINK THE
INDIANS ARE GONNA ATTACK?

POSSIBLY. WORSE THINGS HAVE HAPPENED
TO US SINCE WE SWITCHED TO ROCK AND ROLL.

NO, SIR. LOOK, EVERYTHING
IS RUNNING VERY SMOOTHLY.

I THINK WE'RE ON
THE RIGHT TRACK. AH.

HERB DOING ALL RIGHT? YEAH.

LES BEEN PROVIN'
RIGHT ALONG? YEP.

SO, HOW ABOUT
ME? HOW AM I DOING?

- I THINK YOU'RE DOING
JUST FINE.
- YOU DO? I SEE.

WHY?

I... I DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHAT YOU MEAN.

WHAT-WHAT AM I DOING GOOD AT?

YOU'RE THE STATION MANAGER. AHA!
YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I AM, BUT WHAT DO I DO?

YOU ARE THE BOSS. AH.

YOU'RE THE BOSS.
UH-HUH. ALL RIGHT.

AND YOU DO, UH, BOSS STUFF.

SUCH AS? WELL, YOU, UH...

UH, WELL, THEN AGAIN, YOU...
WELL, LET-LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY.

JUST KNOWING THAT YOU'RE
IN HERE, BOSS... UH, BOSS...

KNOWING THAT YOU'RE AT THE
HELM GIVES US A LOT OF CONFIDENCE.

AH.

THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH, TRAVIS.

I MEAN, I SIT IN HERE ALL DAY, YOU
KNOW, AT THE HELM, AS YOU SAY,

BUT I NEVER GET
TO STEER THE SHIP.

I'M IN CHARGE HERE. I
WANT TO BE INVOLVED.

HOW?

WELL, FIRST OFF,

I NEED TO HAVE THE DAY-TO-DAY
DETAILS IF I'M GONNA GET THE BIG PICTURE.

AND NO DETAIL IS TOO SMALL.

I WANT TO PERSONALLY APPROVE
EVERYTHING THAT GOES ON IN THIS STATION...

TRAFFIC, CONTINUITY, PROGRAMMING,
ENGINEERING... THE WHOLE BALL GAME.

WELL, SIR, NOW I DON'T KNOW
ABOUT... LET'S FACE IT, TRAVIS.

YOU'RE A GOOD MAN.
ONE OF THE BEST.

BUT I'M THE BIG GUY. HUH?

HUH? I SEE.

NOW YOU GET OUT THERE, AND YOU LET
THOSE TROOPS KNOW WHAT'S EXPECTED OF THEM.

- UH, MR. CARLSON?
- YES?

EVERYTHING IS GOING SO WELL NOW.

AND IT'S GONNA GET EVEN BETTER.

THE OLD SPIRIT!

ANDY, YOU GOTTA DO
SOMETHING ABOUT CARLSON, MAN.

WHAT'S HE DONE?

THE GUY WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE.

I MEAN, HE'S DRIVING ME
CRAZY WITH HIS SUGGESTIONS.

AH, JOHNNY, HE'S THE STATION
MANAGER, AND HE FEELS LEFT OUT.

LOOK, I TOOK THIS
JOB ORIGINALLY...

'CAUSE I FIGURED
CARLSON WAS LIKE ME...

A GUY WHO DOESN'T QUITE KNOW WHAT'S GOING
ON AROUND HIM, AND HE LIKES IT THAT WAY.

NOW HE'S... HE'S
INTO EVERYTHING.

WELL, I CAN'T SAY AS I BLAME
HIM. AFTER ALL, HE IS THE BOSS.

ANDY, YOU'VE GOT TO DO
SOMETHING ABOUT MR. CARLSON.

- YEAH, WELL, SO I HEAR.
- HE'S HANGING AROUND
MY TELETYPE MACHINES.

HE WANTS TO GO OUT
ON ASSIGNMENT WITH ME.

I WORK ALONE, ANDY.
EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT.

YEAH, YEAH, LES. I KNOW THAT YOU
DO. OKAY. I'LL, UH, TALK WITH CARLSON.

ANDY, I GOTTA TALK TO
YOU ABOUT CARLSON.

YEAH, WELL, GET IN
LINE. HMM? OH, SURELY.

I HAVEN'T GOT ALL DAY.

HERB, I WAS JUST KIDDING.

I KNOW.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S CARLSON DONE?

- HE BLEW A DEAL
I'VE BEEN WORKING ON.
- OH? WHO WAS THE CLIENT?

A LITTLE PIPE SHOP DOWNTOWN. CASH
ON THE BARRELHEAD... OUT THE WINDOW.

- WHAT'D HE SAY?
- HE SAID IT WAS JUST A FRONT...

FOR SELLING PARAPHERNALIA
FOR DRUG USERS.

OKAY, I'LL TALK WITH HIM.

UM, WHERE IS THIS PIPE SHOP?

ANDY, YOU GOT A MINUTE?

CARLSON, RIGHT? WHAT'S
GOT INTO HIM, MAN?

HE USED TO BE SCARED TO DEATH OF ME,
AND I THOUGHT THAT WAS A GOOD RELATIONSHIP.

BUT NOW HE'S ALWAYS COMING
UP, TRYING TO JIVE ME, YOU KNOW?

- WANTS TO KNOW
IF I NEED ANYTHING.
- WELL, LIKE WHAT?

A... A WATERMELON.

ANDY, MR. CARLSON...
YEAH, I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW.

HE WANTED TO APPROVE
THE T-SHIRT PROMOTION.

HE'S WAY OUT OF LINE, ANDY.

WAIT A MINUTE. I ASSURE
YOU THAT THERE IS

NOTHING IN THE WORLD
WRONG WITH THE BIG GUY.

NOW TRUST ME ON THIS.

AH, YOU'RE ALL HERE. GOOD. I WAS
GONNA CALL A MEETING ANYWAY.

UH, YEAH. MR. CARLSON, I NEED
TO HAVE A WORD WITH YOU, SIR.

NOT NOW, TRAVIS. I GOT
SOME TREMENDOUS NEWS.

I JUST CONCLUDED A DEAL THAT'S
GONNA MAKE RADIO HISTORY.

I CAN'T GIVE YOU
ALL THE PERTINENT

INFORMATION AT THIS
PARTICULAR POINT IN TIME,

BUT I CAN TELL YOU THAT YOU'LL ALL
BE RECEIVING YOUR ASSIGNMENTS LATER.

LES, HERB, I DON'T HAVE TO
TELL YOU WHAT THIS MEANS.

HECK NO, BIG GUY.
I'M WITH YOU 100%.

AH. PERHAPS YOU SHOULD
TELL ME, MR. CARLSON.

LES, WE ARE NOW A
ROCK-AND-ROLL STATION.

AND THESE CASUALLY
DRESSED PEOPLE OVER HERE

SEEM TO THINK THEY'VE
TAKEN OVER THE PLACE.

JUST WANT TO TELL YOU THAT LES,
HERB AND I WERE HERE BEFORE ALL OF YOU.

AND WE DID PRETTY
GOOD ON OUR OWN.

AM I RIGHT, HERB? I'D SAY BETTER
THAN "PRETTY GOOD," BIG GUY.

HA! LES?

JUST WHAT EXACTLY DID YOU
HAVE IN MIND, MR. CARLSON?

ONLY THE GREATEST PROMOTION
IDEA OF ALL TIME. GREAT.

ALL IT'S GONNA TAKE IS YOUR
COMPLETE COOPERATION,

ABSOLUTE SECRECY
AND... 20 LIVE TURKEYS.

HERB, YOU'RE IN CHARGE
OF GETTING THOSE TURKEYS.

YOU GOT 'EM, BIG GUY.

WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE THIS THING MIGHT
WORK OUT FOR CARLSON AFTER ALL.

HE'S GOT TWO TURKEYS
WITH HIM ALREADY.

, GENTLEMEN,
TOMORROW IS TURKEY DAY.

OOH! CAN ALMOST FEEL
THAT ELECTRICITY IN THE AIR.

I THINK I COULD FEEL
IT TOO, MR. CARLSON,

IF YOU'D LET ME KNOW JUST A
LITTLE SOMETHING ABOUT IT. WHAT?

AND LET EVERY STATION IN THIS
TOWN FIND OUT ABOUT IT? NO, SIRREE.

USE A HAIRCUT, LES.

DID YOU GET THOSE TURKEYS?
YEAH, BUT IT WASN'T EASY.

WHEN THAT FARMER ASKED ME
WHAT I WANTED WITH 20 LIVE TURKEYS,

I HAD TO DO SOME PRETTY
FAST TALKING, LET ME TELL YOU.

- WHAT DID YOU TELL HIM?
- I TOLD HIM IT WAS A SECRET.

THAT'S PRETTY FAST, HERB. YEAH.

BOY. UH, JENNIFER, WOULD
YOU COME IN, PLEASE?

GENTLEMEN, AS I SPEAK,
JOHNNY FEVER IS ON THE AIR...

ON THE AIR TELLING THE WORLD ABOUT ONE
OF THE GREATEST EVENTS IN GOBBLER HISTORY.

YOU WANT ME, MR. CARLSON?
OH, YEAH. COME IN, JENNIFER.

UH, HAVE A SEAT. NO, THANK YOU.

WELL, ALL RIGHT. AT THIS
PARTICULAR POINT IN TIME,

- I WOULD LIKE TO DICTATE
A PRESS RELEASE.
- I DON'T TAKE DICTATION.

WHAT? WELL, ALL RIGHT. I GUESS
I CAN DO THIS THING MYSELF.

IT'S PROBABLY GONNA BE A LONG MEETING, SO
WHY DON'T YOU GET COFFEE FOR ALL THE GUYS?

I DON'T GET COFFEE,
MR. CARLSON. WE AGREED.

- OH, YEAH.
- YOU HAVE TO DRAW THE LINE
SOMEWHERE.

DRAW THAT LINE.

WILL THERE BE
ANYTHING ELSE I CAN DO?

NO, I THINK THAT ABOUT DOES IT.

- THANK YOU.
- OH, NO. THANK YOU.

HOW DID SHE GET AWAY
WITH THAT? ARE YOU KIDDING?

ALL RIGHT, GENTLEMEN,
TOMORROW'S THE BIG DAY.

I THINK WE OUGHT TO REVIEW OUR ASSIGNMENTS.
LES, YOU HAVE THOSE REMOTE LINES?

YES, SIR. AND I'VE HAD A BIG BANNER MADE
UP WITH THE STATION CALL LETTERS ON IT...

W... K... R... P.

EXCUSE ME, SIR. WHY DOES
LES HAVE TO DO A REMOTE?

BECAUSE THIS PROMOTION
IS NEWS, ANDY... BIG NEWS.

ALL RIGHT, TRAVIS. UH,
THE NEWSPAPER'S COMING?

NOPE. NO?

NO, THEY SAID THAT GIVING AWAY
TURKEYS WASN'T THEIR IDEA OF NEWS.

WHY, THOSE FOOLS.

THEY'LL BE SORRY. THIS EVENT'S
GONNA SET THE TOWN ON ITS EAR.

MR. CARLSON... SIR,
THIS IS YOUR PROMOTION,

AND I RESPECT THAT,
BUT DON'T YOU THINK...

YOU SHOULD LET US KNOW
SOME OF THE DETAILS?

OURS IS NOT TO WONDER
WHY, TRAVIS. RIGHT.

LES? YES, SIR?

YOU GET OUT THERE AND TAKE
CARE OF THE SHOPPING CENTER.

- TRAVIS, TAKE CARE OF
EVERYTHING HERE AT THE STATION.
- WHERE ARE YOU GONNA BE?

OOH, I'LL BE AROUND.

ALL RIGHT, GENTLEMEN, LET'S GET
OUT THERE AND WIN ONE FOR WKRP.

GIVE 'EM THE OLD RAH-RAH
SIS-BOOM-BAH STUFF, GUYS.

WE'LL REALLY WHIP
THIS PLACE INTO SHAPE.

UH, BIG GUY, I...

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT
THESE OTHER GUYS,

BUT YOU CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON ME.

I HOPE YOU KNOW
THAT. I DO, HERB.

BY THE WAY, WHERE WILL I BE? I
WANT YOU RIGHT THERE WITH ME.

BY MY SIDE.

I'M LIKE A SON TO HIM.

LISTEN, MAN. YOU HAVE
ANY IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON?

NOPE. BUT IN FIVE MINUTES, WE'RE
GONNA FIND OUT WHAT'S HAPPENING.

- WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE
HE'S UP TO?
- CARLSON? I DON'T KNOW.

YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN HERE
FOR THE BIG WIG PROMOTION.

- WHAT HAPPENED?
- WELL,

UH, NATURALLY, IT DIDN'T WORK.

AND WE ENDED UP WITH A
WAREHOUSE FULL OF WIGS.

CARLSON...

HE COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET RID
OF 'EM TILL THE GUATEMALAN EARTHQUAKE.

- SAY WHAT?
- WELL, THE RED CROSS
CALLED OUT,

YOU KNOW, FOR, UH,
BLANKETS, CLOTHES... ANYTHING.

SO CARLSON, OUT OF THE
GOODNESS OF HIS HEART,

SHIPPED THESE DESTITUTE
EARTHQUAKE VICTIMS IN GUATEMALA...

3,000 BLONDE STRETCH WIGS.

I STILL HAVE THIS
PICTURE IN MY MIND OF...

QUAKE VICTIMS STUMBLING
THROUGH THE RUBBLE,

ALL LOOKING LIKE DOLLY PARTON.

OKAY, JOHNNY, YOU
READY FOR WHATEVER?

UH, ALWAYS.

LES, YOU STILL THERE?

YES, JOHNNY. YOU
SEE ANYTHING YET?

UH, WELL, NO. THERE'S QUITE A
CROWD THOUGH. WHERE'S THE BIG GUY?

I DON'T KNOW WHERE
CARLSON IS. BUT WE'RE

COMING TO YOU RIGHT
AFTER THIS RECORD, OKAY?

OKAY, NO PROBLEM.
I CAN HANDLE IT.

OKAY. REAL CLOSE. ♪♪

♪♪ ALL RIGHT, FELLOW BABIES,

AND NOW IT'S TIME TO GO TO OUR
LIVE REMOTE MAN ON THE SCENE...

AT THE PINEDALE SHOPPING MALL
FOR THE BIG WKRP TURKEY GIVEAWAY.

SO TAKE IT AWAY, LES NESSMAN.

THIS IS LES NESSMAN, YOUR MAN ON THE
SCENE HERE AT THE PINEDALE SHOPPING CENTER,

WHERE THE
EXCITEMENT IS MOUNTING.

WE'RE HERE TO WITNESS
THE BIG WKRP... HEY, YOU...

TURKEY THANKSGIVING GIVEAWAY.

HEY, YOU GOT PERMISSION
TO BE OUT HERE? WHAT?

YOU'RE BLOCKING MY
STORE HERE, BUDDY.

DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM? UH-UH.

I'M LES NESSMAN. I WON THE
BUCKEYE NEWSHAWK AWARD LAST YEAR.

GOOD FOR YOU, BUCKEYE.
NOW GET OUT OF MY DOORWAY.

I'M SORRY. CREEP.

SO FAR, SO GOOD, HUH?

I'M HERE WITH HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE
WHO HAVE GATHERED TO WITNESS...

WHAT HAS BEEN DESCRIBED AS
PERHAPS THE GREATEST TURKEY EVENT...

IN THANKSGIVING DAY HISTORY.

ALL WE KNOW FOR SURE IS
THAT IN A VERY FEW MOMENTS,

THERE ARE GOING TO BE A
LOT OF HAPPY PEOPLE OUT HERE.

NOW THE CROWD IS...

THE CROWD IS, UH,
CURIOUS BUT WELL-BEHAVED.

AND I THINK I HEAR
SOMETHING NOW.

UH, THE CROWD IS MOVING OUT
INTO THE PARKING AREA. AND...

OH, YES. I CAN
SEE IT NOW. IT'S A...

I-IT'S A HELICOPTER.

- AND IT'S COMING THIS WAY.
- A HELICOPTER?

IT'S FLYING SOMETHING BEHIND
IT. I CAN'T QUITE MAKE IT OUT.

IT'S A LARGE BANNER,
AND IT SAYS, UH,

"HAPPY... "THANKS...
"GIVING... "FROM W...

"K... R... P."

WHAT A SIGHT, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN. WHAT A SIGHT.

THE COPTER SEEMS TO BE
CIRCLING THE PARKING AREA NOW.

I GUESS IT'S LOOKING
FOR A PLACE TO LAND.

NO, SOMETHING JUST CAME OUT
OF THE BACK OF THE HELICOPTER.

IT'S A... A DARK OBJECT. UH...

PERHAPS A SKYDIVER PLUMMETING TO THE
EARTH FROM ONLY 2,000 FEET INTO THE AIR.

THERE'S A SECOND AND A THIRD.

THERE'S NO PARACHUTES YET.

THOSE CAN'T BE SKYDIVERS.

I CAN'T TELL JUST YET
WHAT THEY ARE, BUT...

OH, MY GOD! THEY'RE TURKEYS!

OH, NO! JOHNNY,
CAN YOU GET THIS?

OH, THEY'RE CRASHING TO THE
EARTH RIGHT IN FRONT OF OUR EYES!

ONE JUST WENT THROUGH THE WINDSHIELD
OF A PARKED CAR! JOHNNY, THIS IS TERRIBLE.

THE CROWD IS RUNNING AROUND
PUSHING EACH OTHER. OH, MY GOODNESS!

OH, THE HUMANITY!

ALL THE PEOPLE
ARE RUNNING ABOUT.

THE TURKEYS ARE HITTING THE
GROUND LIKE SACKS OF WET CEMENT.

HONESTLY, FOLKS, I... I DON'T
KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER...

THE CROWD IS RUNNING
FOR THEIR LIVES.

I THINK I'M GOING
TO STEP INSIDE.

I CAN'T STAY OUT HERE AND
WATCH THIS ANY LONGER.

NO, I CAN'T GO IN THERE.

CHILDREN ARE SEARCHING
FOR THEIR MOTHERS, AND...

OH, NOT SINCE THE HINDENBURG TRAGEDY
HAS THERE BEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS.

I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER I
CAN HOLD MY POSITION HERE, JOHNNY.

THE CROWD... LES? LES?
LES, ARE YOU THERE?

LES ISN'T THERE.

THANKS FOR THAT
ON-THE-SPOT REPORT, LES.

AND, UM, FOR THOSE OF
YOU WHO JUST TUNED IN,

THE PINEDALE SHOPPING MALL HAS
JUST BEEN BOMBED WITH LIVE TURKEYS.

FILM AT 11:00.

♪♪

YEAH. NO, MIS...
LOOK, MR. MAYOR,

YES, THERE WAS SOME DAMAGE,
SIR, BUT NO ONE WAS HURT.

MR. COLLIE, WE KNOW WHAT
THE HUMANE SOCIETY STANDS FOR.

THE NATIONAL GUARD? NO, SIR. THE NATIONAL
GUARD... I DON'T THINK IT'S THAT SERIOUS.

WELL, MR. COLLIE, A LOT OF TURKEYS
DON'T MAKE IT THROUGH THANKSGIVING.

YES, YES, SIR. YES, SIR.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

YES. UH, GOOD-BYE.

THAT WAS THE HUMANE SOCIETY.
THEY SOUNDED PRETTY UPSET.

OH, ANDY, WHY DID YOU
LET MR. CARLSON DO THIS?

BECAUSE IT'S
MR. CARLSON'S STATION.

THIS MAN MUST BE STOPPED
BEFORE HE PROMOTES AGAIN.

LOOK, NOW LISTEN. MR. CARLSON WAS
HERE AT WKRP WHEN WE WERE JUST KIDS.

AND I'LL BET YOU HE'S GONNA BE
HERE LONG AFTER WE'RE ALL MOVED ON.

YEAH, BUT, ANDY... NOW, VENUS, IF
WE CUT HIM OUT, WHAT'S THE POINT?

LOOK, WE'RE THE YOUNG ONES.

AND SOMETIMES I THINK WE'RE JUST A LITTLE
BIT TOO CONCERNED ABOUT BEING NUMBER ONE.

NOW, MR. CARLSON, HE...
WELL, HE'S JUST MR. CARLSON.

HE JUST WANTS TO
BE A PART OF THINGS.

YEAH.

- IT SHOULD HAVE WORKED.
- MR. CARLSON, CAN I HELP YOU?

NO, NO. I'M... I'M FINE.

HEY, MR. CARLSON...

UH, WHAT'S IT LIKE TO
RIDE IN A HELICOPTER?

A LOT OF FUN. EXCUSE ME.

MR. CARLSON, COULD I
GET YOU A CUP OF COFFEE?

WHAT?

UH, NO, THANK YOU,
JENNIFER. WE AGREED. HMM?

SIR, IT WAS THE MOST UNUSUAL
PROMOTION IDEA I EVER HEARD OF.

NEVER BEEN
ANYTHING ELSE LIKE IT.

NO. NO, I DON'T
SUPPOSE THERE HAS.

BUT I THOUGHT IT WOULD WORK.

I PLANNED THIS THING RIGHT DOWN
TO THE LAST DETAIL. IT WAS PERFECT!

WHERE'D YOU GET THOSE BIRDS?

- LES! ARE YOU OKAY?
- I DON'T KNOW.

A MAN AND HIS TWO
CHILDREN TRIED TO KILL ME.

AFTER THE TURKEYS
HIT THE PAVEMENT,

THE CROWD KIND
OF SCATTERED, BUT...

SOME OF THEM TRIED TO ATTACK ME.

I HAD TO JAM MYSELF
INTO A PHONE BOOTH.

THEN MR. CARLSON HAD THE HELICOPTER
LAND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PARKING LOT.

I GUESS HE THOUGHT HE COULD SAVE THE DAY
BY TURNING THE REST OF THE TURKEYS LOOSE.

IT GETS PRETTY
STRANGE AFTER THAT.

NOW IT GETS
STRANGE. YEAH, RIGHT.

UH, LES, COME ON
NOW. TELL US THE REST.

I REALLY DON'T KNOW
HOW TO DESCRIBE IT.

IT WAS LIKE THE TURKEYS
MOUNTED A COUNTERATTACK.

IT WAS ALMOST AS IF
THEY WERE... ORGANIZED.

AS GOD IS MY WITNESS,

I THOUGHT TURKEYS COULD FLY.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪