Vexed (2010–2012): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript

So how's the "marriage"?

I know a good lawyer if
you want to get a divorce.

We're not getting a divorce.

Right, yeah. So would
you like me to call him?

No, I would like you to
mind your own business.

Well, if you change your mind.

I won't change my mind cos
we're not getting a divorce.

We're... not giving up
on our marriage, just...

God, like you'd understand.

Are you trying to lose weight?

Oh, right, see you at the
cafe for pancakes, yeah?



- By the way, we've got a case.
- Huh?

Yeah. Someone tried to kill
one of those banker arseholes

who screwed over the entire country.

Yeah, what happened?

The banker's being treated for
depression at some fancy clinic,

somebody sticks a
bomb under his car.

Everyone's freaking out!

Yeah, they want us
over there right away.

Why couldn't you tell
me this half an hour ago?

You were banging on about
your divorce. You forgot?

Where do you think you're going?

You're not wiping your sweaty
thighs all over my upholstery.

Wiping my sweaty thighs?

I...I do not have sweaty thighs.



- It's probably hormonal.
- Is it? Thank you.

So, er, you better hit the showers.
I'll meet you back at yours.

Chop, chop.

Andrew...

Andrew...

Andrew...

How can you not remember
the victim's name?

Andrew...Ridgeley.

He was in Wham.

- Was he?
- Yeah.

It was something like that.

I'm useless with names.

Names, dates, police procedure.

Are you still upset about
that sweaty thigh thing?

That's very perceptive.

I have a gift.

Naz, my man.

- There's a body in here.
- Really?

How did that get there?

- Who is it?
- Oh, some junkie from the clinic.

He decides he's had enough
of going cold turkey.

He wants to feel that sweet heroin
buzz rushing through his veins.

He tries to steal
Andrew Bridgely's car.

Bridgely!

Turns out someone's put
a bomb under it. Boom!

Come on!

I think that was his head.

- Get it off my foot.
- I'm not touching it.

- Jack, get it off.
- Naz, your job.

Please get it... OK.

Get it off! What is that?

We treat all kinds of conditions:

depression, addiction,
eating disorders, phobias.

What's wrong with him?

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Yeah?

Everyone's very distressed
about the bombing.

- Poor Carl.
- Was he the junkie?

We prefer the term
"substance abuser".

So do I.

And you know, if there's
anything we can do

to help reassure the
"substance abusers",

- please let us know.
- Thank you.

We also specialise in
the treatment of obesity.

Polly, you've lost two
pounds. Well done. Well done.

Go, Polly!

- Well done. Well done.
- Thank you.

OK, everyone, well,

that's it for the day...

So, erm, let me guess.
Obesity and OCD, right?

She's a cleaner.

Right, OK. Good work.

I can really see my face through
the... In those...

Y-Yeah.

That's Andrew Bridgely over there.

He's suffering from
acute depression.

You need to be careful not
to say anything to him that

might contribute to
his negative self-image.

Don't you worry. I've
done rape training.

Counselling the victims
of, not how to...

Shall we just, er...

Hey,

do me a favour.

Do him a favour, let
me handle this, OK?

You think I can't be sensitive?

I know you can't be sensitive.

You're just bitter because
your husband's leaving you.

Which I am incredibly sorry about.

I feel your pain.

How are you feeling?

I think you should deal with this.

Can you think of anyone
who might want to harm you?

You mean other than every
taxpayer in the country?

We were wondering if you could narrow
it down a bit, just, just slightly.

Perhaps you can think of someone
with a more personal reason?

My wife, she's a bitch.

My ex-wife, she's a total bitch.

My son hates me.

Erm, ex-colleagues, investors.

A load of people lost their
pensions when the bank went down.

Oh, and I'm in dispute with my
neighbour over some conifers.

He thinks they block
his natural light.

- Popular guy!
- No, not really.

Well, you know what Yazz And
The Plastic Population once said,

"The only way is up".

Andrew, we'll be maintaining
a police presence during our...

our...investigation.

So, if you, if you wouldn't
mind staying on the premises,

that would be great.

- Yazz?
- What?

That is the most annoying song.

- How's that going to cheer anyone up?
- It's a great song!

You're such a loser.

- Worked for Tony Blair.
- That was D:Ream!

Now they are shite.
Look at these people.

They're enjoying themselves.

Look at him, he's
having a good time.

I didn't realise you were an
expert on psychiatric conditions.

Since when did everything
become an "illness"?

When a woman likes
to put it around,

suddenly she's a sex addict.

Well, addiction is an illness.

OK, you put an alcoholic
on a desert island,

is he still an alcoholic?

- Yes.
- No. He's just thirsty,

and probably sunburnt.

Skin cancer, there's
a proper illness.

Try curing that with a game of
ping-pong and a bit of yoga, huh?

OK, will you drop me home?

And then I think you should
go interview Bridgely's wife.

Yeah? What are you going to do?

Erm, I've got some...

I've got stuff I've got to sort.

Stuff? What sort of stuff?

It's none of your business.

Hey, you don't tell me,
I'll have to follow you.

Oh, for God's sakes.

If you really must know, I
am going to the doctors, OK?

Are you pregnant?

Trust me, you'd be
the first to know.

Listen, you get divorced, I'm going
to be the one nine months from now

in the maternity ward telling you
to breathe and taking all the abuse.

I think you are the last person
on earth I would want to be there.

So you'd rather have
Robert Mugabe there than me?

Absolutely.

There's a rumour he's got syphilis.

Me, I'm clean.

Had a test about a week ago.

Bit worried about
this girl I slept with.

She's a sex addict.

She'd have to be.

I was wrong to accuse
Dan of cheating on me.

And obviously I am
desperately sorry about...

... hitting him.

But... we were already
having problems, and...

... I would like Dan
to acknowledge that,

but he won't.

He thinks... You think
everything was OK.

It wasn't. It wasn't.

Is there something you'd
like to say to Kate?

Dan?

What's the point?

Well, erm, this is an opportunity
for you to tell Kate how you feel.

Since when does how I
feel count for anything?

That's a laugh.

- Of course it counts.
- No, no.

What matters is how
everything effects you.

You're the centre of the universe.

Everyone else is just...

just comes a distant,
distant second.

You're never satisfied.
You always want more.

There's always something else.

"When's this going to happen?"
"When's that going to happen?"

You go on at me to take you
on holiday for your birthday,

but get upset when you don't
have a present to open on the day.

I think it's nice to
have something to unwrap.

Ten days in Trinidad and Tobago!

That's not a proper present.

Maybe I should've wrapped you
up some sand, or a coconut.

You could have got me a card.

What is it with you and cards?

Bloody cards! You can't take a shit in someone's
house without sending them a thank you card.

- Legenda n?o traduzida -

You're so irritating!

Everything you do.

Why do you have to fill the
kettle to make one cup of tea?

- I might want another cup.
- Is the tap going to run out of water? No.

Just boil what you need! Jesus.

And if I have to lie there listening to
you breathe in your sleep one more time.

I swear to God...

Well...

Maybe I should stop breathing.

The number of times
I prayed you would.

OK. Good.

Thank you, Dan.

Kate.

Dan, do you even like me?

OK, er, time's up.

I think we've made
a lot of progress.

Speak to Andrew Bridgely's wife?

What did she say?

She said she was looking forward
to dancing on his grave and

that she didn't know
anything about the bomb.

Right. And we're just
taking her word for it?

Yeah, well she didn't sound guilty.

And I couldn't really tell cos
we had this really bad line.

You phoned her?

Do you know how long it
takes to get out to...

wherever it is she lives?

Anyway, I'm almost
certain she didn't do it.

Oh, almost certain.

Almost certain, hmm...

Yeah, that's good enough for me.

Let's all kick back then, yeah?

Hey, I'm not stopping
you from going out there.

Or... you can stay here and have a glass
of this rather excellent Sauvignon Blanc.

I might squeeze in a pud.

I've had a look at the bomb
they put under your fellow's car.

One second.

You gave him the bomb to look at?

Yeah, the lab would've taken weeks.

The paperwork's a nightmare.

Right, because he's left a
piece of cannelloni in there.

Has he?

- Oh, yeah.
- Ciao, bella.

So what's the verdict, Tone?

By the look of the detonator, you're looking
for a professional, possibly ex-military.

How come you know so
much about explosives?

Oh, when I was back on the force back in
the day, I infiltrated an IRA terror cell.

Good luck.

So, where were we?

He infiltrated the IRA?

Wait, are you calling me a liar?

No. I just, erm,

I'm surprised because...

Because?

- Well...
- I'm?

Oh! No, no, no.

Because, OK, I'm...

I'm surprised because... What I
meant, when I was surprised, I...

meant...your... I
meant your accent.

And what would be wrong
with my accent now?

Why would you do
something like that?

Why are you picking on me?!

What's his problem?

He's got a persecution complex.

He's an idiot.

Andrew,

we have reason to believe someone may
have taken a contract out on your life.

Oh, really, what gave that away?

Was it the bomb under my car?

I'm not liking the attitude.

- Did you see where that came from?
- Are you insane?!

I wasn't hanging
around to take a look!

DI Bishop, we need urgent back
up at the clinic. Shots fired.

Help!

Who's that?

Get down! Get down!

Why are they shooting at me?

They're not shooting at
you, they're shooting at him!

How do you want to play this?

I think one of us
needs to get inside.

OK. Eeny, meeny, miny, moe...

- I'll do it.
- No, no, no, no, no. I'll do it.

If you get shot, I'll
spend the rest of my life

pushing you around in a
wheelchair feeling guilty.

You distract him.

- Wait!
- What?

- How?
- I don't know.

- Flash them.
- I'm not flashing them.

OK, all right. You just stay here
and make yourself feel comfortable.

Have we got a plan B?

- Hey, Naz.
- Hey.

Can I ask you a question?

Would you, as a police officer,

in the line of duty, step in,

take that bullet
and save that life?

- No way.
- Nah, me neither.

I've checked the clinic's CCTV.

The only people who could have had
access to this area of the building

when the shots were
fired were the patients.

Yeah?

Take a seat.

They're so much better for
your posture than chairs.

Are you on?

Yeah?

Everyone's in shock.

Thank God no-one was hurt.

We believe whoever's...

... targeting Andrew Bridgely
is posing as a patient.

Do you have any idea who it is?

We're going to need to look at the
patient medical records to identify them.

I can't allow access to medical
records without a court order.

One of your patients is
a professional killer.

And I want them caught as
much as you do. I'm sorry.

You need to get a court order.

Fine.

In the meantime, will you
discharge Andrew from the clinic?

He's on suicide watch.

We can't discharge a patient
who's a danger to themselves.

We have a duty of care.

Are you really...

OK.

Charlotte. May I
call you Charlotte?

Of course.

- Lottie...
- Charlotte!

Fine. I hear you.

Court orders.

Blah, blah, blah.

We wouldn't ask you to do
anything against the law.

No-one wants to see an
attractive woman go to prison,

least of all me.

So why don't you step outside
for a quick cigarette...

I don't smoke.

Why don't you step outside
for a quick herbal tea,

and we'll have a quick...

No-one knows anything about it.

I'm sorry. I'm just not
comfortable doing that.

It's illegal?

Lottie... Charlotte.

We're police officers.

The law doesn't apply to us.

I think you'll find that it does.

Nah, not really.

Are you all right?

He's fine. OK?

What do you say?

At this stage they won't allow us
access to the patient medical records,

so we think it would best for
you to move to a safe house.

This safe house, I
presume it's a shit hole?

Yeah, but, staying at the clinic,

obviously puts you
at a far greater risk.

I think I've cracked a rib.

Have you ever tried sitting on one
of those big balls she has in there?

Christ, you could kill yourself.

This is as good a
place to die as any.

If that's your decision, we will
give you round the clock protection.

I feel so safe just
knowing you're around.

Jack?

In here.

Hey, are you taking a bikini?

It's a tankini, you know,
with a top, the little shorts.

- Really?
- No.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- What's he doing here?
- What's that?

That OCD guy, from the clinic?

Billy? He's my new cleaner.

You're using someone with a
mental illness to clean your flat?

He's happy as a sand boy.

What sand boy?

That's OK, isn't it? We're
allowed to use that, aren't we?

(Jack!)

(You are exploiting him.)

How's that any worse

than under-paying
some nubile Polish girl

in cut-off shorts?

- It doesn't make it OK.
- He's willing, he's cheap.

He's free.

I don't know how can you look
at yourself in the mirror.

You should see the mirrors. You've
never seen mirrors that clean.

- OK. Are you ready?
- Yes. Yes, I am.

I'll see you later, Billy.

So who do you fancy as our killer?

God, it could be any one of them.

I think we can rule him out.

Or can't we?

No, I don't think it's him.

What about that one?

Whoever heard of a "hit woman"?

It's a "hit man".

So it can't be a woman?

I'm saying women lack the

necessary skills to be
a professional killer.

- Like?
- Throwing.

Brilliant. Yeah, of course.

OK. You're a
professional hit woman.

- Yeah.
- You've been hired

to throw a grenade into
a room full of... nuns.

OK.

An entirely credible scenario.

Right.

There's your grenade.

Kill the nuns.

- This is ridiculous.
- Go on.

- No.
- Go on.

I'm not, no...

- Cos you can't throw.
- I can throw.

- Go on then.
- All right, fine.

Stand back, everyone.

- What was that?
- It's my shoulder.

That was pathetic.

That would have blown
up right in your face.

Right, then.

What you want to do is

you want to put your
whole body into it.

I'm sorry, mate, OK. I'm sorry.

Sorry.

It could be him.

Stay away from the windows.

And please keep the door locked.

Put that outside. I can't face it.

You should try to eat something.

You're worried about
me dying of starvation?

That guy is such a wan...

- Hi.
- Hi.

So, Billy,

get a set of keys cut and
you can let yourself in.

OK.

And the CDs. Can you
organise them alphabetically?

- Yeah.
- Enjoy.

Jack, erm, you said...

If we were getting divorced,

that you knew a good lawyer?

I wasn't being serious.

It's just something you say when
someone's marriage is on the rocks.

Right. Of course.

I naively believed you
were actually being sincere.

- No.
- No.

We should have armed back up.

Shouldn't we?

Don't you worry.

I've got it under control.

You're a Firearm's Officer?

Not technically.

- Well, either you are, or you aren't?
- I've taken a course.

Did you pass?

- A bit of a grey area.
- Oh, Jesus!

Hey, you should try it. They
put you in this darkened room.

There's these cardboard figures.

A bank robber with a shotgun.

A woman with a child.

You know, there's flashing lights,
sirens. Everyone's shouting at me.

So I shut my eyes,
squeeze off a magazine.

When the lights come up...

half the baby's head's gone,

Grandpa Joe's taken two in the face.

The lollipop lady's had her
arm blown off. It was carnage.

- So you failed the course?
- Yep.

Well, where did you get the gun?

The instructors let me keep it.

They said they'd never
seen anything so funny.

Give me the gun.

- No. You're not qualified.
- Neither are you.

Look, if it kicks off, just
keep your head down, all right.

Bloody cheek. You're probably
going to end up killing yourself.

I'm more likely to
kill you, aren't I?

I'm firing outwards.

Oh, yeah. Great!

Women love it.

You get it out in a nightclub.

They're all over you.

"Ooh, can I hold it?

- "Ooh isn't it heavy?"
- You're on the first shift.

Am I?

Right.

Hi.

Hi.

Sorry, I was just checking on you.

- Piss off.
- OK.

OK, fine. Sorry about that.

Jack?

Hi.

Hi, did you get some sleep?

No. I couldn't.

Have you been standing
there the whole time?

Yeah, better sight lines.

You know.

Anyway, I, er...

I think I'll turn in.

Yeah, I'll just take, take over.

- Hi.
- Hello.

Can't sleep, huh?

I'm a police officer.

- For the...
- Oh, right. Yes.

- Yeah, I heard about that.
- How about you?

I haven't slept in...

..ten years.

- You're kidding?
- I wish I was.

My name's Kevin
and I'm an insomniac.

I'm attending the
sleep clinic here.

Right. God. That
must be really hard.

You get a hell of a lot done, but,
yeah, it's bloody exhausting. Hmm.

Well, nice to meet you.

You too.

I hope you get some sleep soon.

Yeah, I very much doubt
it, but thanks anyway.

Is there a fire?

- Who was that?
- I don't know.

I didn't know you wore glasses?

Yeah. Just for reading.

They really suit you.

Thanks.

Stay here and look after Mr. Happy.

What happened to Polly?

It looks like an overdose.

Polly.

I'll call an ambulance.

One, two, three, four.

Right, OK. Bag off, bag
off. One, two, three.

"There she blows."
(Moby Dick)

Do we know how she died?

Well, she didn't starve to death.

These guys think
she died of an overdose.

I am going to sleep like a baby.

Thanks, Stevens.

(What did you do?!)

All this mess!

Let me go and let me
clean it, let me clean up!

No, no needle! Please, no needle!

No needle!

(A duster. I'm sorry.)

You didn't find a wedding
ring in there, did you?

I've got the pathologist's report
on fat Polly from the clinic.

Can we please use her surname?

Sorry. Polly Tubbs.

- Her surname's Tobbs.
- What's the story?

The pathologist found extensive bruising
across various areas of her body.

It appears she received
a savage beating.

Oh, that? That was
me and the paramedics.

We had trouble getting
her on the stretcher.

That was you?

Hey. You weren't there. She
was like a beached whale...

God bless her beautiful soul.

Right, go on.

The toxicology report found a
large dose of cyanide in her blood.

We also found traces of cyanide
on Andrew Bridgely's dinner plate.

So it wasn't suicide?

Andrew Bridgely
didn't eat his dinner.

I left the tray outside his room.

Polly comes along. Bingo,
she's hit the jackpot.

We were right outside his room.
One of us would have seen her!

You fell asleep?!

I'll have a pancake.

I may have drifted off for
a few minutes. Ten minutes.

- My God!
- No more than an hour.

Definitely no more than two.

You take incompetence
to an entirely new level.

Oh, do I? So how come
they keep promoting me?

That's one of the great
mysteries of the universe.

Come on. No harm done.

No harm done to Andrew Bridgely.

That's fine, then.

We'll just chalk Polly up
to experience, shall we?

Obesity will kill you.

Eating food laced with
cyanide will kill you.

Yes, it's quicker,
but in the long-term...

There is no long-term, not for Polly.
She's dead.

What? Where are you going?

I can't eat around this kind of...

negative atmosphere.

Is it the thought of being
responsible for another woman's death?

Is it putting you
off your food a bit?

No, you put me off my food.

You and your face.

Yeah. There it is.

So how did the
marriage counselling go?

- How do you know about that?
- Oh, I hear things.

- From who?
- People.

What people?

My people.

You have people?

- It's a black thing.
- Oh. Right.

Wait, you think we're just
one big tribe or something?

- No.
- So what was the "Oh..."

- What was that about?
- All right, hang on.

You said, "It's a black thing."

We're not allowed
"things" now, right?

Of course you're
allowed black things.

I'm...

I'm messing, babe.

OK, so if having Andrew Bridgely
at the clinic

is endangering the other patients,

we have to move him.

Thank you.

I spoke to a Marshland Clinic
overseas. I think they'll take him.

- Where is it?
- Hawaii.

Hawaii?

Aloha!

Well,

I could actually do
with a bit of sun, so...

Here he is.

This will put a smile on your face.

Get this, we three
are going to Hawaii!

Oh, Jesus, do you believe this guy?

Hawaii!

When it comes to relationships,

it's the little things
that can make a big difference.

I want you to make a list,

of all the little things

that you can do for your partners

that would make a big
difference to their happiness.

(Do you want a pen?)

(Do you?)

(I'm not the one
getting a divorce.)

(Right, because that would involve finding
someone who actually wanted to marry you.)

OK, take it out on me.

That's fine. If it
helps you to vent...

(I will break your fingers.)

Was there something you
wanted to contribute?

- Sorry.
- Sorry.

- No.
- Please.

I'm sure everybody wants to
hear what you have to say.

It's fine, I'm so sorry.

- We...
- Jack.

- We were...
- Jack it's fine, just...

- We were discussing Kate's divorce.
- We were not discussing my divorce.

You are such a prick!

I'm sorry.

Well, I think somebody
has some hostility issues.

- That's abuse.
- Why are you getting a divorce?

I'm sorry, I...

I really don't want
to talk about this.

You brought it into the
group. No, I didn't. He did.

She hit her husband
with a rolling pin.

- You...
- It's domestic violence.

Excuse me, hi, it's actually
not domestic violence.

So how would you describe hitting
your husband with a rolling pin?

- I thought he was having an affair.
- And was he?

So why are you so angry
with your husband, then?

I'm not discussing my personal
life with a bunch of...

With a bunch of...

- What were you going to call us then?
- Nothing, I...

I think she was going to call
you mentals. Was it mentals?

- Thank you.
- Could've been nutters.

Loons.

- Whack jobs.
- Have you thought

about trying to address
the small things?

Why should I address anything?

Why's it down to me to change?

What about all the things he does?

Would you rather
be right, or happy?

I think she'd rather be right.

I hope things work out
between you and your husband.

Thank you.

Isn't that sweet?

- Is my marriage a joke to you?
- What?

Do you think it's funny?

No.

You have totally crossed the line.

If you ever, ever do that again...

Hey, hey, hey, hey!
I just, you know,

I just thought it would be good
for you to talk about it, you know?

- Did you?
- Yeah.

I'm going for lunch. Try not
to kill anyone while I'm gone.

Hey, I can't promise anything.

Kate?

Hi.

Did you want to see me?

Yeah. I...

It's your mum's birthday tomorrow.

You came just to tell me
it was my mum's birthday?

That's very thoughtful.
I had forgotten.

She really likes those
celebrity cookbooks

if you want to get her something.

Don't get Gordon Ramsay, though.

She hates all the swearing.

Get her Nigella, or...

Hugh Fearnley-Twat guy.

Thanks.

Those things I said
the other day...

I was angry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry too.

- How did this happen?
- I don't know.

I don't want us to
be like this. I...

- Where's your ring?
- What?

Where's your wedding ring?

I lost it. I... I took it off...

Why did you take it off?

You couldn't wait, could you?

You're already out there.
You're already dating.

Dan! Of course not!

Then why did take
your wedding ring off?

I just did.

- Because you think your marriage is over.
- No.

You didn't come down here to tell
me about my mum's birthday, did you?

You wanted me to see you
weren't wearing your ring.

You think I'd do that?

You'd bring my mum
into this? That is low.

Yeah, well, I'm obviously
such a total bitch.

- I'm so sorry! Sorry.
- Oh, Jesus!

- I'm sorry.
- Don't touch me!

Sorry, Dan. I'm really sorry.

Dan, I'm sorry.

Go on. Take it out, have a feel.

It's really heavy.

- I would love to fire it.
- Yeah?

Well, we'll see what we can do, huh?

I better, er, just, er...

Hi.

It's OK, relax. It's not loaded.

Better not leave that lying around.

How's he doing?

What a miserable bastard!

Total downer.

I guess that's why
they call it depression.

Yeah?

Are you going to be OK
here on your own for a bit?

Where are you going?

Charlotte's offered to give
me a tour of the medical wing.

Why do you need a...?

Right...

- Fill your boots.
- Thanks.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh... Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah...

Hey, I'm sorry, I'm
sorry, I'm sorry.

The squeezy... squeezy
thing's not working for me.

You've got a lump
on your right testicle.

I'm serious. It's just...

... there.

OK.

You see it? Right there.

Oh, God.

This is so not how I
saw this working out.

It could be a cyst.

The chances are, it's nothing,
but we won't know for sure

until a surgeon goes
in there and has a look.

Has a look?

You mean cuts into my
testicle with a scalpel?

That's generally how they do it.

(Oh, God!)

This sort of thing doesn't
happen to people like me.

Other people, not me.

How was the medical wing?

I don't want to know.

Will you stay with him?

He's got some building-trust
workshop thing.

Well done, well done.

Sorry I'm late.

Perhaps you could find a partner.

Andrew.

(Are you masturbating?)

Just fall back, trust
Lisa to catch you.

So if I can now have
you all up on your feet,

if you all want to get up?

And we'll do it all
together at the same time.

So if perhaps different partners?
If you'd like to change it up.

Make sure you've got enough space.

Make sure you've got enough room

to fall and, er, carry
on in your own time.

(Jack?)

(Jack!)

(Jack!!!)

(Lisa is...)

(Are you having fun?!)

(Lisa is the hitman.)

- Who?
- (Lisa.)

(I just found these in her room.)

What, she's the hitman?
You're kidding me!

- What?
- She just found those in your room.

They're not mine.

- I-I-I stole them.
- What?

I'm a kleptomaniac.

She is. Serious abandonment issues.

My ring. It's my
bloody wedding ring!

You bitch.

Whose room did you find them in?

His!

It's OK, it's OK.

Hello.

My name's Kevin and I'm
a professional killer.

Put the gun down.

No-one else needs to get hurt.

I get the job done
and then I leave.

Everybody just stay calm.

It's nothing personal.

Don't do this.

Don't make me shoot you.

You seem really nice.

Kevin, it's not too
late. Think about it.

- What're you doing?
- Sorry, sorry.

I just... I just wanted... to tell Kate...

(I lost the gun.)

You are unbelievable!

(Hey, I've just been told I've
got a lump on my right testicle,)

(so why don't you try
cutting me some slack?)

- You've got a lump?
- Hmm, the right one.

Jesus. Will you just
let him get on with it?

Andrew, please, do you want to die?

I hired him, you idiot!

You hired me?

Oh, that is dark.

How was I going to get paid?

It's an automated transfer. When I
die, you get the rest of the money.

It's all taken care of.

Why didn't you just kill yourself?

This way, there's no backing out.

If you want something
doing, you out-source it.

You bring in a professional.

Look, Andrew,

I understand you must feel very
guilty about the bank collapsing...

I don't feel guilty. You think
I care about all those people

who lost their money? Screw them!

I failed. I cannot be a failure.

I'd rather die than...

be like the rest of these losers.

- Hey, shoot him.
- Shut up!

So,

now that that's sorted out, can
we please just get on with it?

You're the customer.

Kevin.

Why can't you sleep?

Your insomnia,

that's genuine, isn't it?

You want to let me do this
and then I'll be on my way.

Why can't you sleep?

- Don't push it.
- You're annoying him.

Why can't you sleep?

Ask me that one more time and
I will shoot you in the face.

Hey, look at the
big guy with the gun!

And then I'll shoot
you in the face.

Yeah? Why not shoot
me in the balls?

Aim for the right one.

What are you afraid of?

Come on! Shoot me!

What is it...

that you see...

every time you close your eyes?

S-S-Shut up!

Kevin, what is it?

- I see their faces.
- Whose faces?

The faces of everyone
I've ever killed.

Oh, this is pathetic.

Isn't that telling you something?

I used to enjoy killing

when I was in the army.

But you don't enjoy it any more?

Then stop it.

It's over.

Come on.

Why does everyone
keep picking on me?

Can't even find a reliable hitman.

Why is everyone so useless?

By the way, you're under arrest for
conspiracy to commit your own murder.

Perfect!

I'll just get in the
back of the van, shall I?

Sorry about your testicle.

Yeah, that'd be lovely.

I heard.

Pancakes, hmm?

Yes.

I'm sure it's going to be fine.

Oh, and this is based on what?

Years of medical training and an
intimate knowledge of my testicles?

I have to go, I'm sorry.

Are you going to be OK?

Yeah, sure. You go, I'll be fine.

I'll just sit here
and think about dying.

You're not dying!

You don't even know it's...

Yeah, cos things always work
out for the best, don't they?

Yeah.

Yeah, they do for you.

You're lazy, incompetent,

insensitive,

you screw up everything.

Yeah, I hope this
is going somewhere.

You always land on your feet.

You do, I don't
know, you're just...

You're lucky.

Maybe my luck's just run out.

No.

I'll see you tomorrow.
Breakfast, my treat.

OK, I'm not dating.

I'm not seeing
anyone. I lost my ring.

And then I found it.

You can shout at me
all you want, Dan,

because I'm going to keep
showing up till we fix this.

You just have to tell me
all the things I do wrong

and everything you hate
about me and I'll change.

Dan, I swear I will
do whatever it takes.

- Are you watching porn?
- No.

It's so big. I want your big...

Oh, yes, yes.

Come on, I've got needs.

So does she, by the sound of it.

Oh, my God. What are you
doing to my twin sister?

You'd think it was obvious.

I'm sure I pressed pause.

Do you want to come in?

- Do we have to watch porn?
- Shut up and come in.

You only needed to lower
your trousers and pants.

Truth is...

most women are pretty average.

That was intense.

This is why we make a good team.

Don't use your testicle to
justify your complete incompetence!

Hello?

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