Vexed (2010–2012): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript

'Dr Phillips,
you are needed in surgery.'

Right, OK.

Now if you'd like to get ready to be
examined and Dr Lawrence will be in shortly.

OK, thanks, yeah. Thanks.

This programme contains adult
humour.

I've been thinking.

Don't freak out.

I think we should move back
to Bristol.

We only really started
arguing when we moved up here.

Well, what about our jobs?

I could be based down
in Bristol.



I'm sure they'd have
you back in your old job.

This could be good for us.

I'm not saying 'no'.

But I just need to think about it.

I'm Ms Lawrence. I'm your surgeon.

So, er, how do you want me?

You only needed to lower
your trousers and pants.

I know, but they looked ridiculous bunched up around
my ankles, so, er, I lost the trousers completely.

Now we're looking at jacket and
shirt, naked, shoes and socks.

That's not doing me any favours.

So, I lose the jacket and shirt.

Naked, shoes and socks.
I mean they've got to go, right?

So, er,

here we are.



So I see.

I've got your test results.
Right, right.

We'll just have a quick chat
before I examine you. Take a seat.

So, er do you want me to
get dressed? It's up to you.

However you're most... comfortable.

No, I... I'm sorry this,
this is not working for me.

Oh.

Here. Thank you, thanks.

Have you told everyone
we're back together?

Yeah, I think most people.

Well, does Jack know?

No, not yet.

You work with him every day.

I know, it's just not exactly great
timing - the lump and everything.

"I'm back with my husband!

"Good for me!
Sorry about your testicle."

How is he? Terrified.

Other than that,

he's his usual irritating self.

Have you checked yours?
I went down there with a mirror.

I've checked every
wrinkle, crinkle and wrunkle.

A simple 'yes' would've done.

Oh, got to get ready.

Oh, mother...! I'm sorry, sorry,
sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

What is it with you and my legs?

I don't know. Sorry.

I'm afraid it's not good news.
Oh, Jesus. I'm dying.

You're not dying.

The lump is cancerous, but it's not
malignant. We've caught it early.

I won't know for certain
until I operate,

but we may have to remove
the testicle.

Even if we have to remove
the testicle...

Can you just, can you just
stop saying that, please.

You can still have children.

You think I'm going to be able
to find a woman as a one-ball?

I mean, let's face it, it's not
going to look very pretty, is it?

Aesthetically, they're not the most
attractive things in the world anyway.

Oh, great, I tell you what, why don't you cut
them both off, make yourself a pair of earrings!

Oh, Jesus!

I've offended you. You're going
to be cutting into my testicles

with a scalpel and I've offended
you. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'll tell you what.

Can we start again? I'm going to
go and get dressed. Yeah.

I'm sorry. I just wish I hadn't
made all those cancer jokes.

That's really come back to
bite me on the arse.

Have you ever, you know,
with a one-ball?

Er, I can't say I have.

RINGS DOORBELL

Haven't, or wouldn't?

Haven't.

OK. You're disgustingly drunk. You pick up some
sleazy guy in a club. You take him back to yours.

You're on your hands and knees,
you unzip his fly...

Sounds like an average weekend. You
reach in, whip it out. He's a one-ball.

Now are you still up for
a filthy night of cheap, sordid sex?

Do we have to do this right now? Yes!

If I like this sleazy guy that I just met in
a club, I don't care how many balls he's got.

To be continued.

Hi.

Gemma G's been abducted.

Who? Gemma G.

Never heard of her.

I'm surprised you haven't.

They have had three number ones.
Here, take a look.

This is Gemma G.
She's with the band...

Candy Crew?

And you are? Richard Anderson.
I'm their manager. Oh.

G for...?

G for gorgeous. She wanted to
be "like that H from Steps".

You know like, H for hyperactive.

I always thought it was H
for homosexual? Apparently not.

Ah, please allow me to
introduce Gemma's band mates.

This is Lucy B and Tina T.
They're police officers.

Have you found her?

Not yet. We are working on it.

Tina T.

T for, er...? T for teeth.

Oh, right.

B for...? B for bouncy, silly.

As in "I'm so much crazy fun".

Yeah, come on! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Lucy.

When was Gemma abducted?
This morning.

Me and Lucy came back from the gym.

The door was open and the
place was all messed up.

Some sick psycho's probably putting
his thing in her puff-ball right now.

Can you think of anyone who
might want to... harm her?

Cheryl Cole. Really? Yeah she's just a jealous
bitch, cos Gemma's got better skin than her.

It wasn't Cheryl Cole. Can we see
Gemma's bedroom? Yes, of course.

Cheryl Cole?!

Now just wait.

Hmm, looks like she put up a fight.

Hmm.

TOILET FLUSHES

Hey Naz. When did you get here?

About half an hour ago.

You want to
take us through what happened?

It looks the intruder climbed up
the drainpipe, smashed the window.

Gemma comes from the bathroom,
sees the intruder.

"A-a-a-argh!"

Jesus! Jesus Christ.

"What're you doing in my bedroom?"

"I'm abducting you, bitch!"

The intruder grabs Gemma.
They struggle.

Gemma was overpowered by the
intruder and dragged downstairs.

"I got plans for you girl.

"Me and you are going to get to
know each other real well..."

"Argh! Argh!"

"Come on, bitch!"

What's with the American accent?
Don't know.

Do you need anything else?
No, I think we've got that.

Maybe you could dust for prints?
Sure, I'll go get my box.

You'd better take a look around. I'll,
er, I'll go and talk with the girls.

Hey, are you OK? Sorry.

That's all right.

Gemma's always taken care of me.

I'm nothing without her.

Now, that's not true.

She's the only one
of us who can sing.

Me and Lucy, we just mime.

I'm just a pair of tits on legs.

No. T for teeth, hmm?

That's bullshit.
No-one's looking at my teeth.

Hey, you've got a beautiful smile.

Yeah, maybe not right now,
but you know...

I don't know what I'll do
if something happens to her.

Yeah.

I know what it's like to
lose someone you love.

Really?

They're probably going to have
to cut my right testicle off.

I'm going to be a one-ball.

Can you tell us who this man is?

That's John Paul.

He's lovely.

He comes to all of our concerts.

He's always sending us presents and
flowers, and baking us cookies.

Sometimes, he hangs around
outside the house all night.

He's a super fan.
Otherwise known as a stalker.

I mean, why not just have her naked?

That should shift a few more units.

God forbid we
focus on a woman's talents.

I think you're
looking at her talents.

She's got a lot of talent.

Hey, if you've got it, flaunt it.

Is that right? You wouldn't have a
problem if this was your daughter?

She's not my daughter.
She's someone's daughter.

Everyone woman I've ever had sex
with is someone's daughter.

It's never stopped me
from playing Daddy. Ugh!

I think that might
have come out wrong.

OK, if your daughter
was a stripper...

Why is my daughter a stripper?
Ahh! So you would mind?

What if your son was a rapist?
How is that relevant? You started it.

I want you to acknowledge how you'd feel if your
daughter made her living by having men leering at her.

OK. How would you feel if your rapist son attacked
my stripper daughter, threw acid in her face.

She's disfigured for life,
can't even work.

I wouldn't defend him.

Your own son?

Some mother you'd be!

PHONE BEEPS

Who's that?
No-one. It's obviously someone.

It's a friend.
Oh, is she good looking?

I'm not answering that.
RINGS DOORBELL

Is she a bit of a hound?
It's good to have ugly friends.

It makes you look more attractive.

It's all relative. Hmm.

Hi...

Are your parents in?

"Are your parents in?"

Hey, I panicked when
I saw the wheelchair.

I didn't want to offend anyone.

Oh, well done.

Sorry. I just...I can't believe that
anybody would want to hurt Gemma G.

We're really sorry to bother you,

we think it could be a fan.

We just thought you...

might be a suspect.

We won't trouble you any further.

Sorry. Is that it?

You're not going to question me?

Well, I-I-I-I think we
can rule you out. Why's that?

You're eliminating me from your enquiries
purely because I'm in a wheelchair?

Is that against the rules?
What rules?

What my colleague
is trying to say is...

your personal circumstances make it
unlikely you could've abducted Gemma G.

You're saying people in wheelchairs aren't
capable of committing heinous crimes?

Er, I can't think of
any examples, can you?

Nobody springs to mind.

How about the Nazis?

Weren't a few of those, er,
you know?

Yeah, I'm not sure the Nazis
were big on equal opportunities.

Perhaps we're so smart, you haven't
been able to catch any of us?

Are you saying that a significant number of unsolved
crimes are committed by people in wheelchairs?

It's a possibility. Well, maybe we should
round you all up and put you in a cage, huh?

That isn't funny.

We're just as capable of being cruel,
greedy and violent as any able-bodied person.

I take it you would like us
to question you?

I'd like you to treat me as you
would any able-bodied suspect.

OK. OK.

Did you climb up a drainpipe, smash your
way through a window, overpower Gemma G,

drag her downstairs, bundle her
into a car and abduct her? Hmm?

No. Oh, Jesus, I'm sorry. Sorry.

Well, that really moved
on the investigation.

Well, at least we didn't
offend anyone.

So, lunch?

It's 10.30.
PHONE RINGS

Is that your ugly friend?

Hello...

When was this? They've received
a ransom demand for Gemma. Yeah?

Tell them we'll come after lunch.

Yeah... OK...

Yeah, we're on our way.

♪ Just come back, cos I need you

♪ Got to be strong
I know we can see this through... ♪

Since the disappearance of Gemma
G, internet downloads

of the band's latest number two
hit have quadrupled.

Can you throw in a
few of those custard ones?

The band, seen here leaving for
the Brit Awards earlier this year...

Do you like the custard ones?

How many doughnuts do we need?

Hey, these ransom situations can go on for days.
We need a sugar rush to keep us sharp, on the edge.

Hey, do you remember that kidnapping case we
worked when I was on the force? Little Chinese boy?

Do I remember it? Just a bit.
What was that kid called?

Ho Fun something. That's a noodle.

Is it? Oh, something else then.

Yeah...

What happened?

Well, this kid's dad wants to pay up the
ransom, so he brings the money into the station.

It's a while since we hear from the
kidnappers and the money's just sitting there.

You know how it goes. People start dipping
in... lunch money, birthday collections...

Group outings...

You spent the ransom money?

No, not all of it.
We went ten-pin bowling.

Now, that was a night.
This boy can bowl.

Anyway, it comes time when we have to pay the
ransom, turns out we're twenty-five grand short.

The Commissioner goes ape.

He's this little bald guy. His
whole head goes red when he's angry.

Oh, my God!
Is that why you got the sack?

Who said I got sacked?

Oh, sorry, I don't... erm...

Didn't you...?
I, no, I don't know, erm,

I thought you were asked
to leave the force, sorry.

That was racially-motivated
constructive dismissal.

Right. Do you want to
see the tribunal verdict?

Because I can show it to you.
Tribunal verdict, please, darling.

Blonde at the bar. Tony, sorry. I...

I made a mistake, I just... Obviously
I was thinking of someone else.

OK, you mean another lazy,
incompetent black copper, yeah?

Yeah... What?!

Are you messing with me?

Funny, funny, funny. Hey, kids.

Hey, Naz, fancy a custard doughnut?

Custard? Ugh, gives me the creeps.

Right, that's everything you need to
trace the call from the kidnapper.

Do you know how to work one of these?

Do I know how to work one of these?

No, I thought you did. Well,
you're very lucky, because I do.

Now you see
this is why we make a good team.

OK. See you later. Thanks, Tone.

Oh, the sick bastard.

It arrived not along after you left.

There's a note with it.

They'll call
with further instructions.

DOORBELL

Looks like he used
a pair of secateurs.

Excuse me.

No comment.

Right. So I'm thinking I'll handle the
blah, blah with the kidnappers, right?

I take it you've trained in Hostage
Negotiations? All the courses?

Courses?
I didn't know there were any.

Right, I think I'll be
conducting the negotiations.

Did you know, on average, women pay
25% more for their cars than men?

Fact.
We're not buying a dodgy Mondeo...

Fact. Yeah, but it's the same
principle, isn't it? Give and take.

Thrust, counter thrust.
I'm doing the negotiations.

I don't see how that's possible,
considering we've already

established that I don't know how
to use the phone-tracing equipment.

Oh, God help her. Fine, you do it.

Right there.

What? You see how easily you folded?

Oh, for...
There's your first mistake... Fact!

I'm sorry, Erin, it's great news.

It's just the circumstance...

Yeah, OK, bye.

Well, since Gemma's abduction, the band's
records have been flying off the shelves.

It's like Band Aid all over again.
Beautiful.

Exactly how is it like Band Aid? See,
that's your trouble, you're a cynic.

I bought ten copies of Do
They Know It's Christmas.

How many did you buy? Eleven.

PHONE RINGS

Thank you.

Hello...

A million pounds?

We'll get you the money
but we need to speak to Gemma first.

You're not making the rules here.

I'm afraid that's non-negotiable.

Then I'm going to cut Gemma's head
off and stick it in a box.

OK, let's keep calm.

Where do you want us
to drop the money?

There's a phone box outside the
south gate of Fairview Common.

I'll phone it at 9am tomorrow
morning.

If you don't answer, Gemma dies.

I'll be there.

I think I'd like your pretty partner
to deliver it to me.

Are you sure
you want to do this at 9am?

I'm just, I'm worried about the
traffic... erm, you know,

the school run's a nightmare and
they just put in these speed bumps

down there, and you know,
I don't want to be late because...

CALLER HANGS UP

Is there any news on Gemma?
No comment...

THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE

Hang on a minute.

KNOCK ON DOOR

How many times
do I have to say "no comment".

Jack, where are you going? Jack...

< Jack! I'm just checking, this whole,
er, abduction kidnapping scenario?

It's not just a
publicity stunt, is it? No.

You're sure about that?

Yes.

Where were you at the
time of the abduction?

I was screwing my brother's wife.

I know. What can I say?
I'm a terrible person.

I'm going to be checking your
alibi with your brother. What?!

No, no, Christ, please, please
don't do that, I'm begging you.

I'm joking.

So you had nothing to do
with the abduction? No.

Look, I'm not saying Gemma being taken hasn't been
bloody great for record sales, and I mean like...

kerching!

But I had nothing to do with it. OK.

You seem like an honest guy,

except for the thing about
your brother's wife, obviously.

Shame on you. Just checking.

Have you thought any more
about Bristol yet? Erm.

No, I, I haven't. I will.

Ready? Yeah.

All set.

Yeah, that's assuming you
haven't spent the ransom money?

I thought you had the money? What?
I'm joking. It's in the car.

Hilarious.
I just need to use your toilet.

Er, we haven't got time.

We've got plenty of time. Can't
you just use the toilet in the park?

Nobody uses the toilet in the
park... not as a toilet anyway.

I just...

Do you have a problem with
people using your toilet?

I do. I don't like it.

I am house trained, you know. I'm not
going to urinate all over the floor.

I'm just not comfortable with
other people using my toilet.

It's just...

Come on. So what do you do
when you have friends over?

They use my neighbour's toilet.
He's OK with that?

Yeah. We have an arrangement. I...
pay him.

What, this guy? Yep. Jack, what're you doing!?
I'm going to use his toilet. He won't be in.

Hello? Hi. I'm a friend of Kate's.
I've got to use your toilet.

I'm sorry. What? Who is this?

Andy, hi. Hello, it's Kate, sorry.

Sorry, it's just a misunderstanding.

Is there something wrong with
your toilet? No, no. It's all fine.

She won't let me use it.

Don't you get sick of all
her friends using yours?

I don't know how much
she's paying you but... What?

Jack?

Hey, Dan.

How are you? How're the legs?

Yeah, yeah, they're, erm,
they're on the mend.

Kate. I'm sorry. Are you letting
your friends use my toilet? No.

What's this? Apparently Kate has an arrangement
with her neighbour so her friends can use his toilet.

There's no arrangement.
I'm sorry about your, er,

you know. If
there's anything I can do to help.

Have you got a spare testicle?
I wish I did.

I should get dressed. Good luck.

OK.

Can we just go now? Oh, I'm sorry.
Am I making you feel uncomfortable?

We're going. I do actually need to go to the
toilet. Do you remember how this whole thing started?

Go on. You're not using mine.

So...

I was going to tell you.

But instead, you choose to make up
this, quite frankly, ridiculous lie

about paying your neighbour so that
your friends can use his toilet?

Yeah, good work. You know why I didn't tell you?
It's cos I didn't want to hear your opinion on it.

I'm sure you've got one.

I haven't said a word.

Hmm, you will.

Also, I actually didn't think it was a very
good time, you know, with your operation.

Hey, do not use my testicle to justify your
dishonesty! I wasn't using your testicle.

Yeah, well, it certainly felt like
you were, and not in a pleasant way!

Look, we work together. It's not like we have to
share every single intimate detail of our lives.

Oh, I see, so I'm just another colleague
to you, another face in the office.

We've never been to the office!

Another number on a sheet of paper, a
meaningless squiggle on the back of an envelope.

I don't even know what that means.

Yeah, well. Anyway, it's not like you tell
me everything about your personal life.

Maybe that's because you're too
wrapped up in your own life to care.

SHE GASPS
That is unfair.

And it's not true. Yeah?

Well, did you know that
I met a girl last week?

No, I didn't,
because you didn't tell me.

Well, did you ask? Do you ever ask?

OK.

I think it's just cos of everything
with Dan. And I'm...

I'm very sorry if I've
been self-obsessed.

That's OK. Don't worry about it.

So this girl.

Who is she? How did you meet?

Well, there's this tapas bar...
near the hospital...

So you and Dan...
you think that's going to work out?

Here we go.

Yeah, I do as a matter of fact.

HE SNIGGERS

Thanks for your vote of confidence.
Hey, no, I... I'm sure you're both

entirely different people
to who you were last week.

You're going to get on great.

Yeah, we are. We're both committed and we've
promised we're going to be honest from now on.

Mm-hm? Back in the real world.

What does that mean? The last thing
a woman wants to hear is the truth.

That's why men spend their lives
sugar coating everything.

Oh, you mean lying.

You know he's going to make you run all over
the place before you hand over the ransom money?

Why do they always do that?

It's Clint Eastwood in Dirty Harry.

Oh, yeah.

8.55.

Better make a move.

Those, are, erm...

Those shorts are really, er... What?

Sporty.

Now, pace yourself.
Don't go flat out.

You've got nothing to prove.

Is everyone in position?

Yeah, we've got people all over
the park. They'll be watching.

Hey!

Be careful.

Especially in those shorts.

PHONE RINGS

Hello? Have you got the money?

Yeah, I've got it. Where's Gemma?

You know how this works. I need to make sure
you lose all the people who are watching you.

If I see anyone else
at the ransom drop, Gemma dies.

Be at the phone box on Lawrence
Road in five minutes. HE HANGS UP

Did you get that? Lawrence Road,
Lawrence Road, Lawrence Road.

It's across
the Heath, dead ahead.

Oi, oi, darlin'! Piss off, wanker!

Easy, tiger. He's one of ours.

Three-seven, visual contact.

Roger three-seven.

PHONE RINGS

Hello? The phone box on Park Road.
Ten minutes.

Park Road, dead ahead...

away from the car park. Got it.

There's a fork in the path.
Which way is it?

Go right. Jack?

No hang on, sorry... Jack? Kate?

Come on... You're breaking up. What?
Kate? I can't hear you.

Left... left... Left... Kate?!

She must have gone into the trees.

Spread out and find her.

Three-four, lost visual contact.
Three-seven lost...

Three-five... Kate?

Jack?

Jack, come in.

What's in the bag, lady?

I'm a police officer.
I'm under surveillance.

Do you hear that, boys?
She says she's under surveillance.

Unless you want to get yourselves
arrested, walk on. Give me the bag.

I can't do that.

Give me the bag, bitch.

PHONE RINGS

DIALLING TONE

PHONE RINGS

Hello? You're late. What did I say
would happen if you were late?

I've got the money.

You look tired, Kate.

Where's Gemma?
Do you see the blue van?

She's waiting for you there.

Leave the money by the phone.

I see her first,
then you get the money.

You've got ten seconds, or she dies.

Ten...

I see her first...nine, eight...

Better get running, Kate.

Hi. I'm Gemma G. G for gorgeous.

Hi. I'm Gemma G. G for gorgeous.

Oh, no...

Hi. I'm Gemma G. G for gorgeous.

Hey!

Hi. I'm Gemma G. G for gorgeous.

Hi. I'm Gemma G. G for gorge...

Are you OK?
Did we activate the tracking device?

It's on an automatic setting. The
monitor's in the glove compartment.

He's really close. Yeah?

Oh, my God. We're right on him.

Must be some sort of
underground passage.

Well...

I was going to put it in the bag.

But, you know, then we got,
we got, we got into that whole weird

thing with you not letting me use
the toilet and it slipped my mind.

So it's my fault? Indirectly, yes.

OK, it was a contributing factor.

Give me that, huh?

I kill myself running
all over that park.

I was nearly mugged.
Really? Was it the shorts?

I warned you about the shorts.

Clint Eastwood never had to
put up with this kind of shit.

Clint Eastwood never wore shorts
like that, not with his legs.

You can't even do a simple thing like
putting a tracking device...

in a bag.

You know, I've got a lot on my mind.
I'm about to go under the knife.

What?! What did you just
say to me this morning?!

What? Don't use your testicle to
justify your complete incompetence.

It was worth a try. Oh, God, this...

This is going to be all over
the news. You know that?

What's the Commissioner going say? Don't
worry about that. He never watches the news.

I can't do this any more.

I'm sorry,
I need a partner I can trust.

What? Hey, you can trust me.

I can't.

I don't.

I never will.

Fine. If that's the way you feel,
you can take the bus home.

You are such a child!

A ransom was paid, but failed to
secure the release of Gemma G. Hiya.

Hey. The police operation is being
described as bungled and incompetent.

How was your day?

Just like the man said,
bungled and incompetent.

Oh.

Are you OK?

Let's move back to Bristol.

Really? Yeah.

Peace offering?

I don't think the kidnapper had
any intention of releasing Gemma.

OK, if this is just you covering
your arse, I'm not interested.

Just hear me out, OK?

Why wouldn't he let us talk to her?
I think Gemma knew him.

And if she knew him, there's no
way he's releasing her alive. Mm-hm.

So yesterday evening, I go and see this manager guy,
Richard Anderson, see if he knew anyone it could be.

Yeah? Nobody's heard from Richard
since yesterday morning...

after the ransom was paid.

You worked late? Yeah. "Yeah".

You never work late.

Look, I screwed up yesterday.

Mm-hm. I'm sorry. We're a good team.
This friction thing works.

It took us a while, but we got
there with the, with the rapport.

Ba-bing, ba-bong, you know?

Look, I trust you.

I want you to trust me.

I'll stop dicking around, I promise.

Really?

OK, not all the time. Hmm.
Come on. Partners?

You can't beat the smell
of freshly toasted bagel.

Little ring of heaven.

Hmm, not bad.

It wasn't my idea, it was Richard.

Do you know where he is? Tell them.

Since Gemma's been kidnapped, we've
been getting so much publicity.

We've been selling loads and
loads of records, like, loads.

You asked Richard if it was all a publicity
stunt. You gave him the idea. Did I?

Richard asked the kidnapper to hold
on to Gemma for another few days.

The kidnapper promised
he wouldn't hurt her.

How did Richard contact him?
He left a message on our website.

The kidnapper phoned up.

Richard offered him some money
if he kept hold of Gemma.

It was only supposed to be till
Sunday, until the charts came out.

We just... we just...

Where is it?

Where's what? Where's she going?

Oh, God, she's hyperventilating!

Is she? Breathe. Breathe.

Jack! She's breathing too heavily!

Stop breathing! You're not helping.

I'm not a doctor, am I?

That was intense.
We just wanted to be number one.

What?
How could you do that to Gemma?

I'm sorry.

Why did Richard take the money?

Don't even think of trying
to pin this one on me.

You gave him the idea.

OK. So we fix the paperwork
to make it look like I didn't.

Naz.

Oh, Naz! You want to take
us through this, please?

Oh, the killer
must have fired the gun from here.

Yeah?

Hang on, how come the blood
splattered so high up the wall?

The bullet must have
come from a lower angle.

Hmm? Yep.
OK, you be Richard. Lower.

Yeah? Lower...

That's it. Oh, boy, this is a really
uncomfortable firing position.

My thighs are on fire. This guy's
really short. Murdered by a midget?

I think they prefer
to be called dwarfs.

Hmm, they're not the same.
Yeah? What's the diff?

Dwarfs have bigger heads.

Bigger heads.
OK. Let's round up all the dwarfs.

Unless... he was sitting down.

But there's no chair.
What if he takes his own chair...

wherever he goes?

Yeah. I know it. Thanks.

He manages the greyhound track.

Yeah, where's the greyhound track?

I'm not exactly sure.
You said you knew it!

I've just moved here! God I...

I assumed that means
you know where it is.

Just drive, for God's sakes.

Right, let's split up. Don't you
think that's asking for trouble?

Do you want me to hold your hand?

Hey, you know, I'm trying
to be a good partner here.

There's no pleasing you.

BANGING >

Hello.

I'm going to cut Gemma's head off.

I'm going to cut Gemma's head
off and stick it in a box.

< MUFFLED YELLING

Gemma?

< BANGING

Gemma?

Jesus!

Hang on, hang on, I'll
get you out of there.

It's OK.
It's OK, I'm a police officer.

You're safe. You're OK.

He cut my finger off!
He was going to kill me.

He's insane.

What?

It's nothing, I just thought
you'd be a bit more, you know, G.

G for gorgeous. I've been locked in
here sweating like a pig for days.

I've been shitting in a bucket!
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Too much detail.

Come on, let's go...
Ooh, I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry. Are you OK?

I didn't mean to do that...

He's in a wheelchair.
They're supposed to be nice.

It's over, John Paul.

Hi, Jack.

What kept you so long? Come any
closer and your girlfriend dies.

Let her go.
Why on earth would I do that?

This whole super-fan thing... it was just
a way to get close to the band, wasn't it?

Yeah. And it worked like a dream.

"Look at the poor little
man in the wheelchair.

"Let's nuzzle our breasts
into his face."

And this is how you repay them?

I'm curious.

When you abducted Gemma, how did you
break through the window? I didn't.

I threw a grappling hook through it.

As I pulled it out, it knocked over some furniture,
making it appear a struggle had taken place.

OK, how did you overpower her?
She invited me in.

I then drugged her with a
home made chocolate chip cookie.

How did you move her? I used a
winch to lift her up into a box,

I sealed it up and called a courier
company and had her collected.

Now that's impressive.

You don't know the half of it.

You have no idea
of the things I'm capable of.

Do you remember that robbery at the
safe-depository on The Broadway? Me.

Really? The diamond merchants
on Cross Street?

No! Me!

The robbery and execution-style slaying of
that notorious drug dealer on the Park Estate?

You're kidding me. Me again.

You all see the wheelchair, rather than the
sick, twisted mind of the person that's in it.

And that's your weakness.

You're not the guy who's been exposing
himself outside the primary school, are you?

No!

Steps, that's your weakness!

Actually I'd better
call an ambulance.

Mmm? Mmm?

♪ Sugar

♪ Uh-huh honey honey

♪ You are my candy girl... ♪

Did you hear their single?

Hmm. Now that's a crime.

My cousin dated this guy in a
wheelchair. Oh, that ended badly.

What happened?

He was a crack dealer. They went
out driving in a little blue car,

a rival dealer opens up
on them with an Uzi 9mm.

Phhh... Messy, man, messy.

Right. Very funny.

What? My cousin and her disabled
boyfriend being slaughtered

in a hail of automatic gun fire -
you think that's funny?

No, I think it's hysterical.

Kate. What is wrong with you?

"I'm messing."

Come on,
you're always messing with me.

Am I?

You know, I'm glad you're
going back to Bristol.

Goodbye.

He's messing with me, right?

I do remember him saying something
about his cousin being shot.

Oh, my God!

What did he mean
"moving back to Bristol"?

Oh...

yeah...

I am.

I was about to tell you.

Erm... Dan wants to move back.

What happened to "partners", huh?

I know, I'm sorry.

I have to put my marriage first. Hey,
no, you got to do what you've got to do.

So when do you leave? Tomorrow,
erm, just to sort stuff out.

Then I'll come back next week
to get the rest of my stuff.

Right. So this is goodbye?

Yeah, I suppose.

Well..

Well, anyway, as much as I would love to stay and
bicker with you, I have got to get back and pack.

Oh, Jack,

it's been an experience.

You know, I think you enjoyed
this more than you'd let on.

Oh, do you? Uh-huh.

Well,
you just keep telling yourself that.

Good luck with the, er...

"marriage".

Thanks.
Let me know how it goes tomorrow.

Hey, you want to say goodbye to him?

Would you text me?

Yeah, right.

Has she gone?

Yep. You did tell her I was
messing about my cousin, yeah?

Yeah?

No...

Another drink?

Hey, we better get going.

Now, I'm just going to mark the
testicle I'm going to operate on.

It's the right one, yeah?

Is it my right or your right? What?

It's usually your right.

Now count backwards with me from ten.
Ten...

Hang on. Nine... Whose right? Is it
your right? Eight...

Or is it your right?
..seven... Is it his right?

Oh, God! Oh, Jesus!

Please, please don't
make me a no-ball...

What?

I was just thinking what
I was going to tell Paul.

He was like, "You're mad to get back
with her. Don't. She's a psycho!"

I can't believe you discussed
our relationship with Paul.

He's a man with three kids
by three different women...

So what did you say?
I said you'd changed.

That was the old Kate.

I haven't exactly changed.

Yeah, I mean...
just the annoying stuff.

I'm still me.
Yeah, but you're different.

Not really.

Oh, well, you're trying.

That means a lot to me.

Twat. What's that?

What? See? That was the old Kate.

There is no old Kate,
because there's no new Kate, OK?

There's just me.

You're really starting to
disappoint me. Oh, I'm sorry.

Maybe it's cause you're being a
patronising prick. Old Kate.

"Old Kate." There you go. Prick.

All right, you're
embarrassing yourself.

Why don't you just calm down and
think about what you're doing?

I'm not prepared to tolerate this
kind of behaviour from you any more.

What're you doing?

I'm just going to get
rid of some old rubbish.

What are you doing!?

Unbelievable.

Right, come on. Thank you. Thank you
so much. You're very, very welcome.

Can I have my crutches, please!
Yes, you can.

Thank you.

I have to adjust my brace, if
you don't mind. Right, not at all.

Thank you. Right.

You'll be begging me to
take you back. Just watch.

You can't cope on your own.

OW! My leg!

One down, no problem.

Hello. Hi, I'm DI Bishop,
I'm looking for Jack Armstrong.

Ah, yeah. He's just in there.
OK. Thank you.

< MAN AND WOMAN LAUGH

Hello! Oh?
Hey, what are you doing here?

She's not my wife or anything.

He's lying. I am his wife.

Dick.

Hey, don't be ridiculous.

Me and her? Come on!

Thanks for that
So, I take it you're feeling better?

They didn't have to remove it in
the end. I'm still a two-ball.

Congratulations. Massive scar.

It's a talking point around here.
Do you want to have a look?

Hmm. Tempting as that is,
I'm going to pass.

OK.

I'd have thought you'd be on
your way to Bristol by now.

Hmm, erm,

change of plan.

Mrs Bishop? Your husband's
just about to go into surgery.

Thanks.

So you're going to be out there now,
dating.

I might give myself a day or two.

So what're you looking for?

Someone with a bit of cash, right?

Someone with...
a bit of personality, I think.

Right. So you're going to date
some guy who sells the Big Issue

cos he has a great personality?

No. Because he's skint?

Because we'd have nothing in common.
Because he doesn't have any money.

Money isn't important to me.

See, this is what happens
when women get over 30.

Oh, my God, here we go again.

What? You don't even know what I was going
to say. Well, I know I'm not going to like it.

That's your hormones talking.
You are an ignorant twat.

How dare you!

How dare you! You are, I'm afraid.

I am not ignorant. Moron.

I won the pub quiz last week...

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd