Vexed (2010–2012): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript
Immature cop Jack Armstrong and new partner Kate Bishop,whose husband is a workaholic,investigate the murder of seemingly lonely singleton Sally Jacobs. A friend of the deceased tells them that she had just met a handsome blond man and Jack connects this to another,recent murder whose victim had the same tastes as Sally. Both women had loyalty shopping cards from the Honey Bee group and the killer would seem to be an employee with access to the company's database. Kate enters false details of herself to act as decoy,learning of her husband's apparent infidelity in the process. She is duly approached by a handsome young man. But is he the killer? An after hours visit to the Honey Bee offices provides the answer.
one month's deposit.
Just watch the step.
Nice view of the garden.
I like the cooker.
It's a great flat.
Isn't it just a tiny bit sick?
Look at all this natural light.
I know, it's fabulous.
One door closes, another door opens.
You see her signing a new lease?
I don't think so.
It's such a great fireplace.
Yeah, I'm loving that too.
It's gorgeous. Oh.
Hey, Naz. Meet my new partner.
Naz Omar, DI Kate Bishop.
Kate's just transferred from Bristol.
So, erm, what's the verdict?
If you don't want it, I'm going to need
to put an advert in the paper.
I guess I'll take it. Great.
What do you want to
do about the carpet?
Oh, erm... What you want to do is,
you want to soak it in cold, salty
water... Cold water?
Yeah, it's got to be cold. You know.
It might be too dry. D'you think?
I could just put the sofa over it.
Where are you going to put the TV?
The TV will go over here.
You can't put your TV there.
Look at your sight lines.
You put the TV there.
And you put your sofa...
Now that's what I call Feng Shui.
The Atkins Diet. The South Beach Diet.
Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.
Bridget Jones's Diary. Mamma Mia.
There's everything you need to know about our
victim, right here. He's Just Not That Into You.
The No-Excuses Truth
To Understanding Guys.
So? So...she was single, desperate and
probably blubbed herself to sleep every night.
And you can tell all this from
looking at her books and DVDs?
I'm sure she was very happy.
Are you saying, if a woman eats
a bit of chocolate... A bit?
And drinks a few glasses of wine...
It's bigger than my head.
It means she is therefore
I'm surprised she hasn't got a cat.
What if it's a relative? Oh, God.
Maybe they'll hang up.
I've got to have a look
in the bedroom.
Oh, I see you found the cat.
actually prove anything.
It proves she has a cat and I
was right. But who's counting?
Where are we going?
That was a friend of
Sally Jacob's on the phone.
She wants to meet us at the office.
So, you married? Yeah. You? No.
Girlfriend? Define girlfriend.
A woman you have an intimate
sexual relationship with.
No. You? Probably. Donated sperm while I was at
college, did my bit for the perpetuation of the species.
Oh. We're all very grateful.
Easiest 15 quid I ever made. Hobbies?
Not really. You? No. Cat?
No, no, no,
no, not that office, that office.
Have you ever tried the
coffee in there? It's terrible.
Haven't been in there since 1992.
Hey, Charlie. Hi, Jack.
Oh, wow! Hey, Tony.
Tony, Kate, Kate, Tony.
Hi, great place.
Thank you very much.
Tony's my old boss from the force.
There isn't anything that this guy doesn't
know. So what's the word on the street, Tone?
The word is your new partner's
herself a fantastic flat with underfloor
heating and plenty of natural light.
How d'you know that?
Voodoo. Oh, OK.
Wait, you think all
black people practice voodoo?
No. You said.
I didn't say anything.
Just messing, babe.
So, anyone ask for me? There's a distraught
young lady waiting for you at table four.
Mmm? No worry,
I gave her some ice cream.
Ooh, I fancy a smoothie.
Give me a Mango Mash-up, please,
Tone. Coming up.
Erm, give me an Apple Attack,
no cinnamon, please, Tone, thanks.
She was so happy. Sally Jacobs?
Are we talking about the same woman
here? She couldn't stop smiling.
She was on medication.
Sounds like Prozac.
No. She finally met somebody. Ah!
But she was miserable before, right?
Drinking too much, comfort eating?
All the time.
Who did Sally meet? His name's Ben.
I don't know his surname.
Sally met him in a bar.
It was amazing.
They had so much in common.
They liked the same
books, music, films.
He loved cats.
It's like they were made for each other.
Did Sally say what Ben looked like?
She said he was very good-looking.
He had blonde hair, blue eyes.
Come on, we're going.
Oh... Here you go.
Jack, what's going on?
A couple of weeks ago, another woman,
Jessica something or other,
was beaten to death with a wok.
Do you think it's connected?
Jessica's friends said she just met a
guy called Richard, er, Richard, er...
anyway, he had
blonde hair and blue eyes.
Let's get over to Jessica's place.
How's your smoothie? Really good.
Atkins, South Beach,
French Women Don't Get Fat.
Is that true? I'm sure I've seen
some fatties waddling around Paris.
Maybe they were Yanks.
He's Just Not That into You. Mmm.
We got ourselves
another comfort eater.
This is still a crime scene, right?
Love Actually. Bridget Jones.
Mamma Mia. It's all the same
stuff as Sally Jacobs.
Miaow! This can't be a coincidence?
There's got to be a connection.
How's he finding them?
Ah, Honeybee. The loyalty card.
Sally Jacobs had the same letter.
We should check it out.
What d'you mean you've got plans?
I've got a fitting for a suit.
Classic two-button, navy blue...
We're in the middle of a case? Yeah, and if we
solve it today, we'll only have to start another one.
What you think they'll let us
chill for the rest of the week?
It's almost five anyway. It's 3.30.
Exactly. Where can I drop you?
Then we call it a day because
he's got a fitting for a new suit.
Can you believe that?
He has his suits made to measure?
he afford that on a police salary?
According to him, right,
if a woman watches Mamma Mia
and so much as looks at a bar of
chocolate, it means she's mental.
Well, you hate Mamma Mia.
I don't think liking it
constitutes a mental illness.
What about those women that've been
to the sing-along version 20 times?
Well, I'm not talking about
those nutters. This way...
Oh, he so fancies himself, it's...
Yeah. And where does the TV go?
Over here, huh?
Yeah, that works.
Do you want to christen the flat?
We should get something to eat.
I've got to go by eight.
Where are you going? It's a sales
conference in Leeds. I told you about it.
No, you didn't.
Yes, I did. I've got to go.
The Japanese are over. It's like
Tenko when that lot are here.
Dan... Oh, you wanted me to take the promotion
and come up here. No. We wanted to move up here.
Oh, c'mon. Don't start. I'm not
I just thought you might
want to have sex with me.
Obviously not. Someone died in here. Ooh
"Someone died". We better never have sex again.
I'm hungry. What do you want?
I quite fancy Thai. I'm glad you
What d'you want? Nothing.
I'm not hungry.
I'll have a green curry and
coconut rice. And...
Oh, it's work...Hiya!
Yeah, I can spare a minute.
For you, I can spare five.
Honeybee reception, can I help you?
It's just this way.
Oy, oy, blonde hair, blue eyes.
Blonde hair, blue eyes.
You are kidding me!?
These guys have got to look at
their equal opportunities policy.
It's like the Aryan Nation
in this place.
Just a minute!
The police are here.
Blonde hair, blue eyes.
Hmmm, hmmm. Mike Reynolds.
DI Bishop, DI Armstrong.
I hope we're not interrupting
anything. No, no, we just finished.
This is Suzie Miller, our
Sales Director. Hi.
I'll, er, leave you to it.
The figures for the uhm...
thing. Er, good work, great numbers.
Please. Take a seat.
So, what can I do for you?
We're investigating the
murder of two women...
..both of whom received iden...
identical letters from your company.
Well, over 12 million people use a Honeybee
card. I'm sure it's just a coincidence.
Are you? That makes you
sound guilty for a start.
What? Where were you on
Me? Am I a suspect?
Mmm, unless you've got
a watertight alibi.
Otherwise it's not looking so good.
I was at a charity
auction for Afghanistan...
or, er, was it Kurdistan?
One of the "stans".
or a flood. You mean the
earthquake in Kazakhstan?
Yes, that's it. I bought a
luxury weekend for two at a spa.
Here, check with the organisers.
We will. Thank you.
If you really think there
is a link, I'm happy to get one of
my project managers to assist you.
That would be great.
Emma, could you
ask Robert to come in, please?
You looking for this? Oh, thank you.
Your loyalty card generates a record of
everything you buy, your purchase history.
And from that, we know pretty much
everything there is to know about you,
from your likes and dislikes, right
down to when your periods start.
You might as well have a
bar code stamped on your forehead.
So, say a psychopathic killer
wanted to identify single, lonely,
needy, neurotic, vulnerable,
desperate, comfort-eating women?
Piece of cake...
'provided you have access
to the Honeybee database.'
Do you have a Honeybee card?
'He knows you live alone.
'He knows you're lonely.
He knows you're looking for love.
'He knows you're
vulnerable and insecure.
'He knows your tastes,
hobbies and interests.
'He knows where you live.
'He'd engineer a
seemingly chance encounter.
He'd make it seem like you
were made for each other.
'You like the same magazine, you
like the same music and films.'
I can't believe you like
Mama Mia, that's ridiculous.
'He'd gain your
trust and affection...
'..then he'd cave in your skull
with a claw hammer.' SHE SCREAMS
Oh, something like that, anyway.
Where were you on Sunday evening?
I was at home.
Can anyone confirm that? No.
Where were you on the evening of the 21st of July?
I don't know. Why, do you think I killed these women?
Well, you seem very familiar
with how it would work.
You asked me. Give us one good
reason we shouldn't suspect you.
I'm a Buddhist. Give us two good
reasons why we shouldn't suspect you.
I'm gay. You're a gay Buddhist? Yes.
You don't look gay.
Does he look gay to you? What?
Let us have a look at your shoes.
Do you work out? What is this?
The gays at my gym are ripped.
Jack? He's flabby.
Feel it. You got any piercings?
Ow! You're not allowed to do that!
Ok, sorry, sorry.
Wow, is that a plane? Ow!
Stop touching his nipples! There's nothing there.
OK, let's see you dance, on your feet, sailor.
Stop... Get off! OK! I'll prove it!
His name's Henry.
We're in a committed relationship.
He's a quantity surveyor.
Oh, that's very nice.
Sorry, sir, but we had to be, er,
had to be absolutely certain.
that's a good look on you.
There's something about
hand cuffs and a truncheon.
Henry gets horny just
passing a police station.
We're going to need the names of everyone who
can access the loyalty card database. Right.
So, is that how you
usually interview suspects?
Yeah, it worked, didn't it?
Tch, tch, tch, tch.
Blonde hair and blue eyes. Right?
Never trust the guy mopping the
floor in the background.
Look at him... Mr Innocent.
I always feel guilty for
not buying Fairtrade coffee. Me too.
But it's rubbish, isn't it?
That's what happens when
you pay people a living wage.
I'm being ironic, obviously.
Yeah, I got it.
Well, I guess I'll stick with the
Costa Ricans then. Costa Ricans.
What is wrong with you?
Costa Ricans... Good people? You...
Do you have a Honeybee card? No.
Do you want an application form?
Uh, I think I'll pass, thanks.
Thanks for meeting me so early.
completely, hypothetical situation.
Say you were in a supermarket,
you see someone, I don't know perhaps
a woman, using a loyalty card, is
it possible to find out who they are?
The only woman using a Honeybee card in that
supermarket at 8.32 last night was Lauren Roberts.
Did she buy any ground coffee?
250 grammes of Costa
Rican Red Mountain Reserve.
Print up everything you have on her.
official police business, right?
You think I'm playing games here?
This is fun? I'm having a good time.
Two women are dead!
"WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE" RINGTONE
No, no, I'm at the dentist.
When was this?
What were you doing? Nothing.
Oh, you don't want to share.
There's nothing to share.
That's fine, fine.
So, er, what's the story?
It's just like the others, diets,
romantic comedies, comfort eating,
there's a big ginger cat somewhere.
Did I say something funny?
What? It's nothing.
You're laughing at something.
What is it?
It's just that when
you said "big ginger"...
I thought you were
going to say "pussy".
Ginger hair...ginger cat...
ginger pussy. I get it.
Jack? Are you still laughing
at that? That's it. I'm done.
Right, I've got a plan. Me too.
You first. What if we set me up with a fake
purchase history that matches the victim's?
We use a safe house as my address.
Maybe the killer will come after me.
That could work. What's your plan?
Ah, forget about it. Yours is better.
Um, obviously if I'm going to be the
bait, I want proper surveillance.
Hey, trust me.
I'm a professional.
Is this someone's purchase history?
Yes. Who is Lauren Roberts?
You are unbelievable.
Come on. What's the harm?
It's not like I'm going to cave
her skull in with a claw hammer.
You call yourself a professional?
When did I call
myself a professional?
Just now. I was joking. Oh!
OK. It's unprofessional. But it was one of
those moments, you know, you meet a girl,
you know you got to say something.
Get out of my car.
Like, "Do you want to have a drink?"
Or "You've got beautiful eyes."
Well, maybe not that...
Get out! My mind goes blank.
I say "Costa Rican's... Good people."
I've never even met a Costa Rican.
I'm sure they're great,
but you know...
There was something there.
I think I could really like her.
I just want to see her again,
see if I was right.
I'm sorry. Fine.
Do whatever you want. I...
Did you even have a plan?
It sounds like you're
having fun anyway.
Who is that?
Well, it's obviously someone.
I'm not being arsey... OK, fine.
OK, bye, call me, tomo...
Hmm, he's, er, away at a conference.
Oh, is he?
Linguine al basilico e
Erm, I haven't ordered yet.
What was it that you wanted?
I'll have the...linguine.
OK. Your purchase history
matches the victims.
You're a single, lonely, needy, neurotic,
vulnerable, insecure, desperate, comfort-eating woman.
Is there something else?
Yes, I need you to check
someone's purchase history.
His name's Dan Bishop. Postcode?
Here we go. What do you want to know?
Has he bought anything this week?
Erm, two Danish pastries,
pain au chocolat,
a ham and cheese sandwich, four
a king-size Twix, 12 roses, a
DKNY "Be Delicious" perfume.
Was that roses and perfume?
Isn't that your surname? Yeah.
He's my husband.
Agent Provocateur "Fifi"
A pack of 12 Pleasure Max condoms.
Erm, a steak and kidney pie
and a lemon meringue pudding.
One coffee. Thank you.
Hi?! Sorry, we met in the
supermarket, er, coffee.
Oh, yes, sorry.
Hi, how are you? Good.
Er, I was just passing.
I saw you sitting here.
I live next door.
Wow, you live here?
Oh, my God.
That is the weirdest coincidence.
I just bought that book yesterday.
You like Rushdie? Yeah.
I'm sorry, would you like to join me?
I'd love to, thank you. Great.
Great, can I get you a drink?
Well, thanks for walking me home.
Hey, no trouble.
Really, no trouble!
Does this feel weird to you?
Good weird... Great weird.
You know us,
us liking the same things and...
I sound like a nutter.
Definitely great weird.
So I'll, er,
I'll see you for lunch on Friday?
I'll look forward to it.
Oh, and I forgot to tell you...
What can I say?
Beautiful women make me nervous.
Nice recovery. I thought so too.
"Bad Moon Rising" by
Creedence Clearwater Revival
♪ I see trouble on the way... ♪
'Hi, this is Dan Bishop. Leave your
number and I'll call you straight back.'
Kate, morning, it's Jack. I'll meet
you at the safe house in 20 minutes.
Bye, kitty. I love you.
So, want to do a sound check?
How was your date? Oh, it was great.
It's true what they say, a little information
goes a long way. It's almost too easy.
Lying and cheating often is.
through loud and clear.
Let's do the park first
and then the bar. Aha.
"Heart Of Glass" by Blondie
'Ten more minutes and I'm leaving.'
You should have a Mojito. I don't
want a Mojito, I want to go home.
'Come on. A dash of rum, mint...
'give you a little zing.'
Miss, you see that lady over there.
The angry looking one.
'Can you, can you get her a Mojito?'
Ow! Jesus, mother...
Sorry, perforated eardrum. Diving accident,
saving a baby dolphin, from a fishing net.
OK, you don't want a Mojito.
I'll get you something else.
How about an Appletease? I'm leaving.
You're an idiot! 'Snap.'
'I just bought the paperback...'
Sarah Jessica Parker's one of the truly
significant women of our generation.
'Ooh, this guy is warped.'
It's so cruel how some people
say she looks like a horse.
'Does she look like a horse to you?'
Oh, no, not really.
'Imagine her with a saddle on.'
I guess some people are
just really ignorant.
Would you like a drink?
Yeah, why not.
Of course, thank you.
OK, if you're so
good at reading people,
what about me?
Let me see.
I'd say you're kind, gentle...
I bet you're a cat person.
How did you know?
'You can tell.
'I just got a kitten.
'It's a tiny little thing.'
So cute. What's yours called?
Keith? 'Keith?' 'Yeah,
I named him after my granddad.'
Your granddad's called Keith?
What? Oh, sorry. I...
just suddenly struck me
how beautiful you are.
This guy's so full...
That's all we have on file
for Oliver Young.
OK... There you go.
Right, a couple of
speeding tickets. That's it.
The Yorkshire Ripper
was done for speeding.
I don't think he's our guy.
He was using his real name.
He was nice.
Oh, yeah he's lovely, super,
really great guy, right up until he smashes you in
the head and your brains dribble all over your face.
There is something else.
He works for Draker Associates.
They're the IT
Consultants for Honeybee.
Which means he had access
to the loyalty card database.
So much for Mr Nice.
That's our guy.
Is that a fashion statement or
do you think she's having chemo?
Do people with cancer jog?
It can't be good for their knees.
Shin splints are a nightmare.
that's what they should do,
it's low impact.
If you went bald,
would you wear a wig?
Sorry. Am I disturbing you?
I'm trying to get some
rapport going here, you know...
I talk, you talk... ba-bing, ba-bong.
You, it's all ba-bing and no ba-bong.
I need something to come back at.
I'm ying, you're yang.
That's how it works. I need some
ba-bong. Give me some ba-bong!
My husband's having an affair.
How do you know he's
having an affair?
He made up some conference
he's supposed to be at now.
He's not returning my calls.
What, that's your evidence?
He bought some things.
Things? What kind of things?
A present for his mum.
An Agent Provocateur "Fifi"
A present for his sister?
It's a little weird.
A pack of 12 Pleasure Max condoms.
A present for a
painfully shy younger brother?
He hasn't got a brother.
Hang on, how d'you know all this?
You checked his purchase history,
I wasn't doing it to pull...
pull some bit
of skirt I met in a supermarket.
Call yourself professional.
Call yourself professional!
Shut up! It's completely different.
Of course it is. It's you.
He's my husband.
Run out of ba-bing?
I can't have a go at you, can I?
Your marriage is over.
I'm sure you'll work it out.
He better not be going far,
I've got a lunch date.
Oh, yeah. OK.
It's OK. I already paid.
What you paid for lunch,
while I was in the toilet? Hmm-mm.
Well, I'm sorry. It's...it's just
never happened to me before.
I hate these women who magically lose their
purse when it's time to pay for something.
Hey, Tone. Sorry, Jack.
We just received some information
about Oliver Young. You need to see it.
Naz, Lauren. Lauren, Naz.
Are you sure this is right?
I've double checked it.
Sorry. I've just got to make a call.
I'm going to watch the football.
You like football?
Who are you?
Hey, Kate. It's Jack. I just got some information
about Oliver Young. Give me a call when you get this.
Need any help?
I was, er, driving past and
I saw you. So you live here?
I thought you said your place was down by the
river? I moved. Let me give you a hand. Oh.
It's fine. No, no, don't be silly.
Honestly. I've got it.
It's heavy, that's it.
OK. In you go. OK.
So, where's it going to be?
Er, on the chest.
Well, it's a lovely flat. Thank you.
I've got to get the rest of
my things. I'll tell you what.
You make me a cup of tea
and I'll give you a hand.
Oh, no, it's...
there's hardly anything.
Well, it's even less with two
of us doing it. I insist.
Where's Keith? Who?
Keith the cat. He's dead.
He got run over by a car.
Oh, I'm so sor... Tea? Yeah.
Well, I'm sure you
didn't say you were moving.
Didn't I? Oh.
That's weird. No.
I would've remembered.
yeah, I was most probably
trying not to think about it.
..all that packing, unpacking.
So do you, er...come
round this area often?
My gym is just down the road. Oh?
I had a really
great time last night.
I've thought about you a lot.
Do you always have that
affect on men? Not usually.
Oh, I think you do.
You're being modest.
Didn't you get my message?
The night Sally Jacobs was murdered,
Oliver Young was on a water
sports holiday in Tahiti.
It's just a coincidence.
He really has just bought a kitten.
Oliver, erm...there's been a
I only wanted a kiss, you mad bitch.
I'm very sorry.
I'm glad your cat's dead!
It's a New Zealand Pinot Noir.
I hope that's OK?
It's my favourite wine. Oh?
It's a lovely flat.
JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY
How do you afford it on a police
salary? I'm not really sure myself.
Here you go. Thank you.
There's something I need to tell
you...want to tell you. Yeah?
Er, when we met, at the supermarket, it
wasn't exactly an accident. What do you mean?
Well, I saw
you earlier at the deli counter.
You were buying some Camembert and
you smiled at the shop assistant.
Oh, yeah, she made that
xenophobic remark about the French.
I'm not one of those freaks
who talks to random strangers.
I hate those people,
their inane conversation.
It's just that it's...
it's, it's really difficult to
meet anyone...anyone nice.
And I just thought...
I'm glad you did.
Well, I just wanted to be honest.
So you don't think I'm
stalker? HE LAUGHS No.
There's something else. What? I only buy
serious literature because I think I should.
I've never finished
any of Rushdie's books. Me neither.
He freaks me out with his weird,
That ridiculous beard.
They should've let
the Iranians have him.
One more thing.
I don't usually buy fresh coffee.
We can work on that.
I think this
could be really special. Me too.
DOORBELL RINGS URGENTLY
What? I just found this
shampoo in my bathroom.
Is that a joke? It's not mine. So, it
must have belonged to Sally Jacobs.
It's from the Framlin Hotel.
I had them check the register.
She stayed there the night
before she was murdered.
But, the card used to pay for
the room, was Mike Reynolds'.
Who? The Chief Executive of Honeybee.
He's our guy. Great. Fantastic.
We'll pick him up tomorrow.
What do you mean tomorrow?
It's Friday night.
He's probably out with his mates.
I checked. He's still at the office.
He's working late. Good for him.
You stay and enjoy yourself.
I'll pick him up myself.
Yeah, I worked out what
your problem is. My problem?
other people having a good time.
Other people enjoying themselves,
it cuts you up, doesn't it?
That is the most. Oh...
I'm not even responding to that.
I don't hate people
enjoying themselves, actually.
You can't stand it.
Oh, you are just unbelievable.
You think you're an
expert on people?
You know nothing. You know
less than nothing. JACK ARGUES
You are the least professional,
most incompetent, laziest...
You can't even get a girlfriend without
deceiving her. You think about that, stalker boy.
Stalker boy? Stalker boy!
That's not even a term. Yeah, you know
why, I made it up, especially for you,
joy hater. All right, that is it.
I can't work with you. I quit.
Suits me. Great,
well, let's just get this done.
Then we never have to
speak to each other.
Fine. Good. Great.
Mr Reynolds isn't answering his phone. He
may have just slipped out of his office.
I know he's in, though. Thank you.
You stay down here,
I'll check upstairs.
Hey! Why don't I check
upstairs and you stay down here?
You're just arguing for sake of it.
Am I? Fine. Whatever.
It was the cleaner, wasn't it?
I bloody knew it.
Mopping away. Butter wouldn't melt.
It's always the guy mopping
the floor in the background.
God, this is when you wish you
were freakishly double-jointed.
It wasn't the guy mopping
the floor in the background?
You killed those women? Well, that's
pretty bloody obvious, isn't it?
OK, let me re-phrase the question.
Why do you kill those women? Because I found out he
was picking them up in bars, taking them to hotels.
You said you love me.
Oh... SPLASHING I'm sorry.
They were so pathetic.
Thought they'd found the man of their
dreams. I was doing them a favour.
Hey! Woah, woah, woah,
hold the phone, what have I done?
You're all the same...men.
You lie, and you cheat, and
you never want to talk on the phone.
That's because we'd rather
talk to you face to face.
Liar! OK, OK, OK!
OK, we don't have the same endless
capacity for mundane conversation
about every little thing.
Look, you still love him, right?
You do this, huh, what then?
Oh, no, no, no, you see I'm
coming with you.
That way, we can be together...
Ah, Jesus...for ever!
You don't want me there. Huh?
I'll just get in the way.
Three's a crowd.
Oh, no, no, no
- you don't want to do that. You don't want to do that, don't do that!
See you on the other side.
Wait, wait, wait!
What if there is no other side?
What if the whole idea of an
afterlife is an artificial construct
designed to control and manipulate the masses,
encouraging them to accept religious doctrine
in return for some
imaginary reward after death, huh?
Now you think about that,
just think about it.
Well, I guess we'll find out,
Oh, ah... It's diesel.
Oh, it's diesel!
Light as many matches
as you want, babe.
Diesel doesn't ignite on contact with
You think you can rewrite the
laws of chemistry? Good luck.
Did you know she was insane when
you first started going out with her?
How do they do that?
What are you doing? Just shut up!
I'm going to cave your skull in!
Trust me. I know how you feel.
You took your time.
Oh, you're welcome.
I'm not saying I couldn't have
talked my way out of it.
Oh, that's what you were doing?
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
Well, I suppose this is goodbye. Yep,
some things, er, just aren't meant to be.
Not enough ba-bong. Little too much
400-thread Egyptian cotton.
Well, are you coming in or what?
'Hi, this is Dan Bishop, leave your
number and I'll call you straight back.'
It's me again, can you call me when
you get this?
It's important, so... Just call me.
Hey, how d'you like your eggs?
Scrambled, poached, unfertilised?
Oh, please. Come on.
It's a classic postcoital gag.
OK, funny guy, where do you keep
In the drawer just down there.
What do you
fancy doing this afternoon?
We could go to the zoo.
Laugh at the monkeys.
What is this? Oh?
You've got a file on me?
Where did you get this?
Lauren, this isn't as bad
as it looks.
OK, OK, it is pretty bad.
Look, this doesn't change anything.
Please, Lauren, Lauren.
I'm sorry, OK. Don't go.
Hiya. Is there any food
in the fridge? I'm starving.
Ooh, can I have this Scotch egg?
Do you want some?
I know. You know?
Don't make me say it. Say what?
Are you OK?
Do not touch me.
What is up with you?
Dan, I know. What?
I have no
idea what you're talking about.
What did I do now?
Did I forget to do
the washing up...?
Jesus, what are you doing?!
Who is she? What? Who is she?
Who? You're insane!
You broke my knee! Ow!
I know about the roses, and the
perfume, and the "Fifi" lingerie.
What?! I know about the pack of 12
Pleasure Max condoms.
Since when could you do it 12 times
a night, hmm? That just for her?
You're Mr "12 times a night"
All that sex must have made you
a bit peckish, did it?
How about a nice steak and kidney
pie, mmm? And a lemon meringue.
What? I hope you really enjoyed it.
What're you talking about?!
I know everything. What's this?
What it's not...
Who is she? It was Ryan!
He was buying stuff for his wife's
It was on your loyalty card!
He doesn't have one. I was with him.
I used my card to get the points.
I'm saving up for a
Porsche track day. Argh! Ask Ryan.
Ask him. I'm not cheating on you!
Get me an ambulance! OK.
A rolling pin. Ouch.
Hey, how is he?
Well, you fractured
both his kneecaps.
So they're going to keep him in
Did he say anything?
He says he's not going
to press charges.
And that he's...he's going to go and
spend some time with a friend.
So you get the house.
Result, huh, huh?
I just... Oh, God I can't
Oh... Just...just give him a chance
to calm down... Yep.
..and, er, you know for his, for his
knees to heal. Yeah.
He got the hang of the wheelchair OK.
Did he? Yeah, yeah.
GLASS BREAKS, CHEERING
So did you speak to Lauren?
She won't listen to a word I've got
Oh? I really liked her.
Yeah. You like Lauren so much, you're
already looking at other women's arses.
That's a reflex. That's nothing.
Unbelievable. A woman bends
over, you check her out.
All men do. Not all men do it. Well,
how would you know? You're bent over.
What, you don't check out your own arse when
you're buying new clothes. Who's that for?
See, you're doing it again!
She keeps bending over!
You're no better than a baboon.
A woman bends over, I look at her.
That makes me a baboon?
Aha. You're a baboon.
Have you got a problem with baboons?
Look you missed one, she's doing it again.
You know what you are, you're baboonist.
Am I? Yes.
Oh, my God, that's terrible.
There's a body in here. Ah!
I think that was his head.
Did you see where that came from?
Are you insane?! You think I was
hanging around to take a look?
to an entirely new level.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd