Veep (2012–…): Season 7, Episode 3 - Pledge - full transcript
In the run-up to the first debate, Selina makes a novel campaign proposal; Jonah's comments create blowback; Dan and Amy take a road trip.
TOM JAMES: Just wanted to say...
I love you.
I love you, too, Tom.
Go fuck yourself. (LAUGHS)
AMY BROOKHEIMER:
There's our new leader.
BEN CAFFERTY:
Oh, Keith Quinn in the house.
Okay, well, you're about to see
how a campaign is really--
No, that's not him.
The only reason you were hired
is because Mr. Tanz told me
you were the best
and because?
Because of my court-ordered
chemical castration.
Is chocolate bad for dogs?
-RICHARD SPLETT: Oh no, not bad.
Deadly.
-GARY WALSH: Okay.
Richard, you can't keep working
on both campaigns.
But they're both
equally good people.
I would like to schedule
an appointment.
It's for an abortion.
FELIX WADE:
Have you met Senator Talbot?
I like to say she's the future
of the party.
She's running for president?
Crowd:
( chanting ) Kemi! Kemi! Kemi!
As a woman,
and a woman of color,
I know these struggles
firsthand.
- Whose time is it?
- Crowd: Our time!
- When is our time?
- Now!
And now let me hear you!
Whose time is it?
It sounds like Dr. Seuss
fucked Maya Angelou
in the yuzz-ma-tuzz
and then filled her all up
with snoozily-scuzz.
How is this possibly
even working for her?
Socio-politically,
protest chants have proved
- an effective method--
- OK, off.
Kemi's crowds are huge.
You know what else
is huge, Amy?
Not even really showing.
- Gary: Mm...
- You look beautiful.
And how about
the 24-hours-a-day
free media coverage
that she's getting?
- Ben: Yep.
- MSNBC has something on you.
Put it on this I-thing.
Narrator:
--paign showing
signs of trouble.
- Selina: Oh, Christ.
- Andrew Meyer, husband
- of President Selina Meyer...
- Ex-husband!
- Everything looks great.
Ready when you are.
- I know.
Let's go, ma'am.
They're all waiting for ya.
Selina:
Here we go.
Hellooooo!
( cheers, applause )
- What?
- No, this is great.
This is great.
OK! University of Iowa!
- ( crowd cheers )
- People come up to me,
they say,
"Why do you want
to be president?"
And I say,
"It's time to finish
the unfinished business
of four years ago!"
Say it with me:
"Time to finish
- the unfinished business!"
- Crowd: "Of four years ago."
Without the "four years ago."
OK. Iowa! What do we want?
All:
Time to finish
the unfinished business..."
No-- Not--
"New Selina Now"!
- What do we want?
- Ben: When I say "shit,"
you say "show."
Of four years ago.
( music playing )
Selina:
I was so far ahead.
How are you losing Iowa?
- And did you see the new cover
of "Time" magazine?
- Yes. Are angels real?
- Ben: "Kemi Fever."
Three exclamation points.
- Kent: It's a pandemic.
Yeah, well, somebody
sneezed on our campaign,
now we're bleeding
out our assholes.
- Hi, guys!
- Morning.
Kent:
Ma'am, we're scrapping
tomorrow's schedule.
- What?
- You're making an appearance
at the Waterloo County Fair.
Ben:
Block and tackle
retail politics.
- Gary: Ugh. Retail.
- Ben: Eat a few corn dogs...
Selina:
Last thing I need
is my picture being taken
eating dick-shaped food.
I'd rather eat
a food-shaped dick.
OK, folks.
Where is Keith Quinn?
I have the "New York Times"
interviewing him
about running the campaign.
Maybe somebody should be
interviewing the "Times"
about why they write
so much about modern dance.
Thirty-six hours
in Snoozeville.
- That was my major.
- Selina: OK.
How are we going to
RU486 Kemi's campaign?
- No offense, Amy.
- Catherine: Mom, do you
have to act that way?
I mean, Kemi is
super impressive.
And I'm not gonna lie,
ma'am,
- very much my type.
- You're kidding.
Clearly, I have a thing
for strong women.
- What's happening?
- Strong women.
My God, pick a lane. Jesus.
Dan:
Ma'am, Kemi just picked up
two Senators and a union.
A good union
or, like, teachers?
Local 74.
Iowa Asbestos Workers.
- Kent: Well, there you go.
- ( laughter )
Actually, my uncle was
a shop steward in the 7-4.
Asbestos killed him.
- On, no!
- I'm sorry, Richard.
Asbestos was the name
of their pit bull.
It was a rescue
that killed its first owner.
That's why you have
to go to breeders.
Ben:
OK. Order, order.
First item: debate prep.
That's how we beat Kemi.
Fine. Stupid handshakes,
opening statement,
uh, thank you
to Date Rape University,
- first question.
- Dan: Madam President,
how do you explain
the accusations
the Meyer Fund
and your husband Andrew Meyer
stole millions during--
- No. Andrew Meyer
is my ex-husband.
- Yep.
And I have had virtually
no contact with him
- at this point.
- ( knocking on window )
Oh-- OK.
We're gonna take
a quick five, guys.
Fantastic.
Her Achilles cock.
Andrew! I see Monnie
got a new paint job.
Monnie and I
are still together.
Better than ever, in fact.
No. Felicia is my...
paralegal.
Oh, God, we're all
goin' to jail.
- Wait in the car, OK?
- Can you please
find me a real green juice
somewhere in Iowa?
I'm drinking Odwalla
like some country lesbian
who just got
to the big city.
- Ma'am.
- Not yet.
Amy:
So much for debate prep.
Dan:
Actually, that was
our best one yet.
- Ohh.
- Hey, Ame. Hey, Dan.
Happy Abortion Eve.
- Oh, my God!
- What? Don't they all know?
Amy: Go!
OK, I don't know
if I should be sad
- or turned on.
- Ben: Eww.
Richard, you're running
yourself ragged working
on both campaigns.
I'm actually a little
embarrassed. I mean,
two jobs is no big deal.
- In fact, it's the
Speltt family motto.
- Splett.
Speltt. It's my mother's
side of the family.
I think you should
definitely quit Selina.
I would if I could.
Actually, I tried
to quit last week,
and the president
gave me a raise.
- Marjorie: So quit Jonah.
- He gave me a raise too.
Some people say
I'm not fit to be president,
that I'm dangerously unskilled.
But when I debate my fellow
candidates in the debate
this Saturday,
I'm finally gonna
set the record straight.
Because that's when
the gloves... come off.
( bell dings )
Senator James,
you pledged to bring jobs
back to America.
- ( blow lands )
- Aaah!
President Meyer,
you say you're
tough on crime, huh?
Then why am I not in prison
for punching the president?
- Pretty good, right?
- Senator Talbot,
I think your tax plan
is a wack plan.
Psyche.
Aaah! Uhh!
- ( bell dings )
- Undisputed...
President of the United States!
I'm Jonah Ryan, and I wanna
suck this message's hot clam.
- Me too!
- When do we roll that out?
We don't.
You went completely off script!
I ad-libbed.
Teddy, improv
is Jonah's thing.
You should have heard
his wedding vows.
He did a really funny
Chinese voice.
Yeah, I expressed
how horny I was.
We focus-tested the ad,
and most people
are uncomfortable
watching a white man
kick a black woman
in the vagina.
Well, I don't see
vagina color.
Why don't we just kick
President Meyer instead?
The debate committee
just emailed me
to say that there
are so many candidates
they've decided to host
two separate debates.
One for candidates polling
with at least 5% of the vote,
and another one
for those polling
with less than 5%.
And, good news--
No, that's bad news.
I'm at less than 5%?
In the plus column,
the undercard debate
will be first,
which means we have no problem
getting out of the parking lot.
Oh, no, that's bad news too.
It's stacked parking.
Andrew, you said there was
nothing illegal about the fund.
I thought
we both understood
I was lying.
You do know I'm running
for president, right?
- ( knocks )
- Madam P! Got a moment?
Can you fuck off?
( laughs )
Can do, skipper.
- OK.
- Andrew: Lee,
do you happen to know
if Marjorie
has the complete ledgers
to all the Meyer Fund accounts?
Yes. I'm sure that she does.
That's too bad.
I think I'm gonna
pop by her office
and see if it's locked.
For once will you
tell me the truth?
How much money
did you steal?
Technically it was you
that stole the money
from the fund
because I signed your name
on some documents.
- Oh, my God.
- Don't worry, Lee.
I'll keep you out of it.
Yeah. "Don't worry, Lee.
You won't get pregnant.
I'll pull out
and cum on your back."
Again, I thought we both
understood I was lying.
General Stattler.
How are you?
Sorry to keep you waiting.
Come on in.
Madam President,
I have been trying repeatedly
to get your office to sign off
on a presidential funeral plan.
And since your tenure
was so unusually brief,
I took the liberty
of using President Ford's
ceremony as a template.
- Who?
- Uh, that's not gonna work.
He was lucky not to get dumped
out of a pickup truck
into a quarry.
- My vision for when I die...
- If you...
- No, I am gonna die.
- Mm...
More of a sort of
a Princess Diana thing.
But classy.
- But no Prince Charles.
- Oh, yeah.
- He's worse than the mother.
- Ohh.
Oh, that's a good idea.
Let's make a list
of everybody we don't want
invited to my funeral.
- Fun.
- Yeah.
And put Andrew
at the top.
( laughing )
Already there.
Begging your pardon,
ma'am,
but these plans
should have been made
- before you left office.
- Oh.
Put Montez on the list.
You know, I could
get reelected.
Ma'am, why don't we just jump
right to embalming options
to minimize decomp
during the rotunda viewing.
- Hughes.
- Gary: Ugh.
Do I really want
to get embalmed?
- Yeah, the neck. Yeah.
- Oh, that's true. Right.
- ( calliope music plays )
- Teddy: Jonah Ryan.
Outsider's insider.
Make sure to vote.
Hey, Teddy.
Teddy, check this out.
- Teddy, look.
- What am I doing?
- No, get the big one.
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh. ( moaning )
- ( Beth laughing )
Beth:
Teddy, isn't he
so funny?
He's hilarious,
Mrs. Ryan.
Why don't you eat this,
Congressman?
- OK.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
- All right.
- Congressman Ryan.
- Yeah.
How do you feel about
being relegated to
the undercard debate?
- Oh, no comment.
- Uh, no. Comment.
I deserve to be
in the real debate
as much as Selina Meyer
and that hot new black lady.
It is literally
the definition
of retarded.
Congressman has
a very busy schedule,
thank you.
Hi. Jonah Ryan,
candidate for president--
What the fuck, Teddy?!
You can't say "retarded"
in front of a reporter.
- Why, is he retarded?
- No, but you might be.
No. My pediatrician
ran the tests.
Besides, if I was, you'd know.
I'd have retard face
or whatever.
- He would look different.
- Jonah.
You have to watch
what you say.
- Damn it.
- Wait. Who are you calling?
No. Don't tell my mom.
It's Teddy, yeah.
I'm calling in the favor.
Teddy, look.
It's shitting in my mouth.
He's pretending the potato
is pooping in his mouth.
Mike:
Buzzfeed rented this house
for all their reporters.
- Babe, why are you
wearing that hat?
- Well, ever since I got it,
they stopped
calling me "Old Guy."
Now I'm "Hat Guy."
- It's "Fat Guy."
- Hey, Mike, have you given
any thought to that thing
that we talked about?
I think it would be
really good for Ellen
if we adopted another baby
from China.
Wendy, we're barely
makin' ends meet,
and ever since
the Felix Wade piece,
Buzzfeed's been
climbing up my ass.
Somehow they got the idea
I'm a good writer.
- And I'm not!
- I gotta go help Ellen
with her Mandarin.
All right. Ellen, ni hao!
That means "hello,"
Mike.
- Wendy: Have fun, baby.
- Lizzie: Hey, Fat Guy.
Did I hear you're having trouble
meeting your article quota?
Maybe.
You interested in
some study buddies?
Didn't I used to be
Hat Guy?
I think it was always Fat Guy.
( air brakes hiss )
Oh, wow! What a crowd! Hi!
- I hope you'll vote for me.
- Kent: "Caucus."
- They don't know
what that word is.
- Good point.
Hi, Mom! Don't tell me.
Are these all of
your children?
- Yes, they are.
- That's a busy beaver.
- Yes.
- Yes, indeed.
Hey, kids. Were you all
just petting the animals?
- Kids: Yes.
- Great.
- Where's Kemi?
- Senator Talbot
is currently using
her campaign app
- to host a digital town hall.
- Kemi:... woman of color...
Jesus-hashtag-Christ.
- Do we even have an app?
- Of course we do, ma'am.
The current version
only asks for donations
and, for some reason,
deletes your address book.
Technically,
it's more of a virus.
I had it but had to delete it
because it was making
my phone hot.
Hello! Yes! Yeah!
Madam President,
I have a question
and two follow-ups.
- You do?
- How do you feel about
Governor Calhoun accusing you
of being unfit for office
because of your complicity
in your husband's
alleged crimes?
He's my ex-husband, Mike,
and I think
we're all getting
pretty tired
of these cheap
personal attacks.
- Perhaps that kind of thing
plays well in "Nevahda" --
- Nevada.
Nevada, but I challenge
Governor Calhoun,
and the other candidates,
to, uh,
to join me...
in a "non-negative" pledge.
I think it's time
to start talking about
the issues that affect
real Americans.
Thank you.
Wow, Mike,
you said an actual thing.
How the fuck did that happen?
It's like
"Flowers for Algernon."
I understand
that reference now.
It's a book.
Oh, by the way,
have you seen Andrew?
I gotta get ahold of him.
I'm startin' to think
he's rippin' me off.
Stephanie:
What we do at
Crawford Bloom Associates,
we work with
high profile clients
like yourself
to make sure that
not only are they understood,
but, more importantly,
never misunderstood.
We want you to put
your best foot forward
- and not in your mouth.
- Exactly.
That's a good one.
I like that.
- I like these guys.
- Stephanie: OK, so,
you went to the fair yesterday.
- ( Jonah laughing )
- Yeah. Let's talk about
the specific incident
that brought you to us.
- Oh, yeah, the retarded thing.
- Yes. Exactly.
Now, when you said
that word, Congressman,
is there, I don't know,
another word that
you could have used,
had the same meaning?
- There's no wrong answers.
- Nope.
Um...
mentally retarded?
No, that-- that's wrong.
I see where
your head is at, though,
and you are
technically correct.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Danny: Yes.
And technically also, though,
you see how you're still using
the same form of
the hurtful word?
You're feeling
what I'm saying?
Yeah, not really.
Can I get another bagel?
It might be a great time
to introduce
a new strategy
that we have developed here
called "360 degree
perspective-taking."
Oh, God, is that like math?
Actually, it's just a way
of using empathy
to help avoid hurting
other people's feelings.
( laughs )
That's so gay.
- Um, what?
- Excuse me?
Oh, guys, come on.
I didn't mean like gay gay
or like "This guy
and his husband are gay."
I meant gay like,
uh, mentally retarded.
OK. You know what?
Ah, Stephanie,
I need a minute,
I just need one minute.
- I'm so sorry. Thank you.
- Jonah: OK. Yeah.
Is this guy on
his fuckin' period?
What is--
Ow!
( knocking on door )
My dumb slit sister
was supposed to be
my abortion ride,
but now, of course,
she is nowhere to be found,
so I'm--
- Oh. That makes sense.
- Dan: Yeah.
Well, would you mind?
Unless you plan on
fucking her again
while she's passed out.
She doesn't call that rape,
by the way, that's just
regular sex to her.
- I will get my keys.
- Thank you.
Sophie:
Don't wear white pants!
Richard:
Big news, ma'am.
Governor Calhoun announced
that he's signed onto
your non-negative pledge.
Oh, what a pussy.
Kent:
Ma'am, every candidate
has made
the non-negative pledge,
including Tom James and Kemi.
Look at you!
You've got chocolate
all over your face like a child,
but you're an adult! Adorable!
Also, the dog mayor of Lurlene
has passed away.
- I'm sorry, Richard.
- Oh, my God.
- What? Who?
- The dog that I, uh...
Oh. No.
We should probably
send someone to the funeral.
Well, make Amy go.
Where is that Fatty McFatty
hiding today?
She aborted
her unborn fetus.
Dock her a day's pay then.
Richard, do you want to go?
It would be my honor
to attend.
( rifle popping )
Winner.
Honey,
I think that's enough.
These are clearly made
with child labor.
- Hold this.
- Man: What are you,
some kind of Green Beret?
I was an agricultural advisor.
Nothing more.
( protesters shouting )
Woman:
Abortion is murder!
Keep your head down, Ames.
I'll part the redneck sea.
Dan:
All right, all right,
back up. Make some room.
Psalm 106! Think of
the innocent children!
- Oh! You want me to think...
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
about the children,
you hog-fingering fucks?
Well, I did think about this.
I considered it,
and I cried, and yeah,
suck my cock,
I even prayed a little,
and here I am.
So you can back the fuck off,
you hypocritical cunts,
before I show up
to the piss puddle
that is your house
and protest your husband
whacking it to your daughter's
seventh grade yearbook.
That sign's misspelled.
- Come on, Dan.
- Yes. Yes.
And I hope you'll all caucus
for Selina Meyer.
New Selina Now.
- ( ring clanks )
- Ohh! Darn it.
- OK. Yeah?
- Ma'am.
( whispers )
Kemi killed her boyfriend.
What? How is this
not all over the news?
Her records were sealed.
She was 16.
She accidentally hit him
with her Volkswagen Cabriolet.
She is an actual murderer?!
( laughing ) Yes!
Who drives an import!
Oh, my God!
I think I'm gonna cry.
We gotta spread this news
like Kemi's boyfriend's guts
all over the pavement!
Actually, he was decapitated.
- Here. You do this.
- Ma'am. Ma'am.
We can't use this.
Social media is exploding
with praise
for your
non-negative pledge.
Well, why did you morons
let me do that?
- ( clank )
- Man: Winner.
- ( Selina gasps )
- ( crowd oohs )
Oh! I did it! I did it!
- Here you go, ma'am.
- Thank you.
Enjoy the rest of your day
at the Waterloo County Fair.
Thank you.
I don't want this.
OK. Is there any way
we can accuse Kemi
of murdering her boyfriend,
but in a positive way?
Madam President!
Guess your age?
Guess your weight?
Oh. Um-- ( laughs )
- OK. What was that?
- ( Gary mutters )
- Where's Secret Service?
- Just came out of nowhere.
Woman:
OK, Ms. Brookheimer,
I do need to warn you
about some of
the surgical risks involved.
Infection, bleeding,
uterine perforation.
Yep, 10-4.
Body's a wonderland.
Can I just sign
the consent form?
Per Iowa law, I do
have to offer you the option
of viewing the ultrasound.
Less talk, more abortion.
Patient has declined.
I am as sure...
as I will be.
OK. We're gonna give you
some medicine now
to help you relax.
( chuckles ) Oh, yeah? You got
any of those darts they use
on rampaging circus animals?
No need.
Everyone's always
telling me to relax
and I'm not good at relaxing.
Well, I don't want to relax
'cause I hate relaxing so...
- Ooh.
- Ahh.
There you go, tough guy.
- Very good.
- Nurse: Mm-hmm.
Is that the Berkeley VC-10?
That's like
the Shelby Cobra GT
of vag-vacs.
I'm sorry, who is this man?
( sing-songy )
That's Dan.
Yeah, I'm the proud
father-to-not-be.
- Here ya go, ma'am.
- Uh-huh.
- Madam President.
- Selina: Yes.
And the crowd goes wild.
What is up with
the Clubfoot Cunt-tessa?
I think she's worried
that you might beat her up
in the girls' bathroom,
- give her a swirly.
- Oh, no.
( laughing )
Yeah, you would've.
OK. You know what?
- Can you just...
- Sure. Yeah.
Madam President,
I do believe that we are
literally and figuratively
out to pasture.
Oh, God, it's really too bad,
'cause I've got something
so juicy on
Ms. Post-Racial America.
- How juicy?
- I mean,
fresh-squeezed
Billy Carter juicy.
But I can't use it,
- unless...
- Unless...
he wondered.
Unless.., you wanted
to break the pledge first.
You want me to go back
on your word.
No. Forget it.
This never works.
- What am I thinking?
- No, no, no, no.
Selina, listen, you got
no reason to trust me,
based on...
Yeah. Trying to screw me
out of the presidency,
then trying to
actually screw me,
then screwing me,
then writing a book
about screwing me.
- Also discussed it
on television.
- Lovely.
- If I go negative on Kemi...
- Yeah.
once she's gone...
The party's stuck with us.
Like it's supposed to be.
Jonah:
And that is why
I know I'm wrong
and I would like to apologize
for the hurtful words
that I used.
And not just because
there was a camera.
Teddy:
Although if there is a tape,
we would appreciate it
and any copies of that tape
to... pray and reflect on.
Come on, guys.
( scoffs ) Are you deaf?
( mocking deaf people )
Did you not hear
what he was saying?
What is wrong with you?
Are you fuckin' retarded?!
- Oh, my God!
- Ohh--
I am so sorry. I'm so sorry.
- No, no, no. It's OK.
- I'm so sorry.
I accept your apology.
( clears throat )
- I really love that sweater.
- Thank you.
Jonah:
One voter at a time, Teddy.
- Beth: But Jonah,
there were two of them.
- I know.
I have left literally
hundreds of messages,
none of which you've returned,
which is why
I am writing this email,
Andrew--
- Hey, Mike. You good?
- Actually, I'm under
a little bit of pressure.
My wife wants to adopt a new kid
and my old boss's ex-husband
maybe stole our life savings,
so I'm trying
to write him a letter
but I can't focus on anything
'cause it's so dirty in here,
and bright,
and, oddly, windy, right?
Hey, do you have any more
of those "concentratey" pills?
Yeah, no, I think
you've had enough.
Thank you!
"I've had enough, Andrew!
Mike McLintock
has had enough!"
Catherine:
This is a pretty good turnout
for a dog funeral.
I mean,
even the governor's here.
Who are all these people?
Novelty mayors
are Iowa's number one
source of tourism.
After tornado-chasing.
And coming into town
to buy Sudafed.
- Is that a mayor as well?
- ( laughs ) That's just a cat.
Could you imagine?
( laughs )
- This isn't Nebraska.
- Judge Sackett: Richard.
Can I speak with you
after the service?
Of course, Judge.
How's the search for
the new successor?
Sadly, the mayor was fixed
and cloning was too expensive.
That's what I want
to talk to you about.
Would you like me
to neuter the new mayor?
We're being sued
by the sensitivity trainers.
Joke's on them,
because you can't
sue the president.
Jonah, I know this is just
the undercard debate,
- but it's still important.
- Well, hello!
Oh, no. Jonah, you should've
worn a costume.
What the fuck?
I gotta debate Dumbledong?
Listen, OK. He's just
the protest candidate.
Ignore him.
What's most important is,
you have to be more PC
than a clit ring
made out of wheatgrass.
Don't worry about it.
I got it handled.
- I wrote down
all the words not to say.
- OK, that'll work.
( music playing )
Woman:
Welcome back
to tonight's debate
featuring candidates
polling between 5%
and not-statistically
significant.
I'm Brie Ramachandran-Shulhoff.
Let's turn our attention
to foreign policy,
- Congressman Ryan.
- Bring it on, Brie.
Your question is about Africa.
- Pass.
- With China challenging
American hegemony
across the African continent,
should we adopt
a more aggressive policy
of forward deployment
by sending U.S. ground troops
into countries like Niger?
I'm sorry, you can't say that.
I mean, only he can say that.
Say what, "Niger"?
It doesn't matter
how you pronounce it,
we now know
that it is wrong.
Congressman, I think
you're confused.
She's referring to
the African nation--
- African American nation.
- ...of Niger.
( whispers ) Jesus, Clark,
you're standing
right next to the guy.
What did he say?
No, he said it,
not me.
But for the record,
I think that the United States
should send troops
into countries like N-word,
and I think it would be best
if those troops were black.
Can I just say,
making friends overseas
- is powerful magic.
- ( crowd applauding )
You ask him any question,
it's gonna be "powerful magic."
I'm gonna ask him a question.
What's your solution
to fix our failing
public education system?
Well, longer school years,
free breakfast...
and magic!
- Oh, come on.
- ( crowd applauding )
Little Richard
will be very happy
for his daddy--
the new mayor of Lurlene.
Catherine, he won't
be making memories
for another 22 months.
Hey, I think that went
pretty well, right?
Well, I just got here,
so I'm gonna say yes.
I want you to add
the Dalai Lama to this list,
'cause I'm gonna be
the only stiff at my funeral.
Oh, look at this.
Congressman Ryan!
And this must be
Mrs. Ryan.
Or do you go by
your maiden name: Mrs. Ryan?
Oh, either is fine.
No, ma'am,
she's my half-sister.
- Step.
- Gary: She's his step-sister.
Madam President,
Congressman Ryan,
I'm glad you're both here.
It seems I have been appointed
the new Mayor of Lurlene.
- Oh, congratulations!
- Mayor Splizzle in the hizzle!
Wow. All right.
But don't you have to be a dog?
Well, legally, yes,
but it's unenforceable.
But, sadly, I have to tell you
that I can no longer work
for your presidential campaign.
- Of course. I understand.
- I'll be sorry to lose you.
Uh, me too.
- Kent: ( whispers ) Ma'am.
- Hm?
- Ma'am.
- What?
Excuse me. Yes?
It seems that Mike
just published
a piece on Buzzfeed
entitled "An Open Letter
to Andrew Meyer."
"Dear Mr. Andrew Meyer,
I have invested my entire
life savings with you,
and have yet to see
a single dollar in return."
What?!
Mike's entire life savings?
So we're talking about,
what, $6?
The term "Fonzie scheme"
is referenced.
And the article as a whole
is not cool.
Get that Benedict
Ronald McDonald
on the phone right now.
And find me Tom James!
( cell phone ringing )
( ringing )
- Fat Guy's phone.
- Selina: Mike, what
the backstabbing fuck?!
Dude, your mom's on the phone.
She sounds pissed.
( music playing )
Kemi:
And that's why as a woman,
and a woman of color,
my entire life has been
training for the Oval Office.
- ( applause )
- If I could just add onto that
- Selina: You know, Greg,
- by speaking-- Yeah. OK.
Selina:
I have actually sat
in the Oval Office
and made tough decisions--
life-and-death decisions.
And believe me, the many,
many accomplishments
of the Meyer administration
were no accident.
What? What-- Oh.
- Did you say-- I'm sorry,
did you say something? OK.
- No, you're good. No, no.
- I'd like to hop in, and just--
- Selina: Which is--
- Tom: I think I know...
- All right.
what President Meyer
is driving at so artfully,
is that she would like me
to tell you
that Senator Talbot here
accidentally murdered
her boyfriend
in a reckless car accident
when she was 16 years old.
But you know what?
I'm not gonna stoop
to your level and say that,
Selina. I'm not--
I'm not sure what you mean,
Senator James--
I guess we shouldn't
be surprised at this kind
of underhandedness
from a woman whose husband,
Andrew Meyer--
- Ex-husband, in fact.
- Whatever he is.
- You want to get it right.
- The two of you,
according to your
former press secretary,
used the Meyer Fund
to defraud millions of dollars
from our obese children,
from our adult illiterates,
- from emerging democracies...
- Our military families.
So where you headed after this?
I got a neo-Nazi on the dangle
in Sweden.
Only one talking point,
but they do stick to it.
Did you know
that President Meyer
had a heart attack
a couple of years ago?
Just covered it up!
Well, you had a heart attack.
This was a minor
prostate procedure....
If I may interject.
Please.
I think that
the American people
deserve more from
the next president
than a bunch of
politics-as-usual
mud-slinging.
( applause )
Oh, boy.
That Kemi really
has it going on.
Kemi:
And it brings me no joy
to revisit one of the worst
events of my childhood
in which, yes,
I was in a car accident
that killed a dear friend.
But I have looked up
to President Meyer
since I was a little girl,
and I have heard her many,
many explanations
for her ex-husband's
activities at the fund.
And I accept them all.
Well. ( laughs )
You know, if--
- Oh. You do?
- I do. And frankly,
I'm tired of hearing about it.
- I think we all are.
- Selina: Well, I know I am.
Thank you.
- Um, I--
- And as far as both
of your medical issues go,
- it's TMI, people, it's TMI.
- ( audience laughs )
And I would just
like to add to that--
- Greg: Hold that thought,
Governor Calhoun.
- Yeah.
We're gonna take
a quick break
and then we will be right back
with more of
the presidential debate
live from Drake University
in Des Moines, Iowa,
in just a moment.
( applause )
Stagehand:
And we're clear.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
- I'm sorry, Mom.
- Man: Back in two minutes.
You gotta help me.
Somebody's gotta
tell me what to do.
Hit her with the economy.
There's no way
her college loan plan
can pay for itself.
Neither can mine, Ben!
None of these plans can!
Do you have your
debate cheat sheet?
- Yes, it's right here.
- All right.
Ma'am, this is your
funeral blackball list.
And all of you are on it!
We need to muddy her up.
Something as bad as Andrew.
- Drugs.
- Lesbianism.
Mom, Mom, stop. OK?
If you don't win,
we are all gonna
have to rally behind Kemi.
- Catherine, who cut your hair?
- Yeah.
Man:
One minute, Madam President.
Please head back to the stage.
OK, um...
Olu-wakemi Talibah Talbot.
- Oh.
- That sounds like
a terrorist to me, folks.
- Talibah, Taliban.
- Taliban.
That's an old chestnut.
Mom, I am begging you
as the mother of
a mixed-race child--
Stop it! Stop!
My God! I have had it
with this whimpering
and whining from you
and your generation!
It's time for you
to grow a pair
and man the fuck up!
Not bad.
( music playing )
Whether your ceiling
is made of glass
or covered in
peeling lead paint,
as a woman,
and a woman of color,
I want to challenge our notions
of economic justice.
Senator Talbot,
I met a farmer--
Let me tell you something
about justice, Senator.
When I was coming up
as a lawyer,
I didn't have to remind everyone
I was a woman every ten seconds
because they never
let me forget it.
I smiled all through
the casual grabbing of my behind
and all the secret meetings
on the golf course
that I wasn't invited to.
So how about giving a little
thanks to the women like me
who built the ladder
that you use to get up
onto your soapbox?
How about for once in your life
you stop whining,
you stop complaining,
and just man up?
- Because I honestly-- I--
- ( applause )
Yeah, that's right,
you heard me, man up.
Ya know? Let's just say it
like it is.
- That's it!
- ( applause )
All right. All right.
If you'll just
show our affection
for all of our candidates...
Congratulations,
Catherine.
( applause continues )
Greg:
From Drake University,
this has been CNN's first
Iowa presidential debate.
I'm Greg Hart. Good night.
- ( music playing )
- ( applause )
Aw, I'm so proud of you.
Thank you.
Greg:
Madam President,
- may I say whoooaaa!
- Thank you, Greg.
President Meyer.
- Hey!
- Wonderful job.
You did it, ma'am.
God bless America
for hating woman
almost as much as I do.
- Crowd:
Man up! Man up! Man up...
- Get out of my way.
Amy:
She won?
"Man up."
- Huh.
- That's really good.
Who came up with that?
Catherine.
How ya doin'?
Feels like...
someone shoved
a red-hot pair of barbecue tongs
up my joy trail.
Oh, before I forget.
Frozen maxi-pads
soaked in comfrey extract.
My own
personal recipe.
That is so nice.
And also...
cold and disgusting.
I'm gonna need that back
when you're done,
'cause Leon will pay
big bucks for it.
Ohh. Ugh.
Dan, did I make a mistake?
- What if I never get--
- ( phone chimes )
( chiming, buzzing )
- Yeah?
- Teddy: Ames-bo-bames.
It's Teddy Sykes.
How would you like the chance
to help lead a divisive,
physically repugnant underdog
to historic victory?
You want me to join
Jonah's campaign?
- Such as it is. Whaddya say?
- What?
( whispers )
Ask for campaign manager.
I would need to be
campaign manager.
So you shall be.
I'm not gonna lie--
it's gonna be really hard
and no fun.
We have got
a bit of a problem.
You are in luck,
because my schedule
just got scraped clean.
- We will talk soon.
- Yes!
Get up!
We have something
to celebrate.
- Nice.
- Mm.
Yeah. Five minutes.
See? When you do
good things,
good things happen
to good people.
I'm such a good person.
Ma'am, I was hoping I could have
some more responsibilities...
- SELINA MEYER: Yes!
- Yes!
Can you make me
a waxing appointment?
- I'm feeling patriotic.
- Full bald eagle.
I just found out
from my stupid stepfather--
TEDDY SYKES: Father-in-law!
From my stupid
stepfather-in-law,
that math
was created by Muslims.
How are we doing with
non-college educated whites?
-Look at this.
-KENT DAVISON:
Underwater, ma'am.
Then how about
college educated whites?
In South Carolina, that is not
a significant slice of the pie.
I would really love to be able
to count on your endorsement.
You gonna make me say it?
We got race in the race.
I love you.
I love you, too, Tom.
Go fuck yourself. (LAUGHS)
AMY BROOKHEIMER:
There's our new leader.
BEN CAFFERTY:
Oh, Keith Quinn in the house.
Okay, well, you're about to see
how a campaign is really--
No, that's not him.
The only reason you were hired
is because Mr. Tanz told me
you were the best
and because?
Because of my court-ordered
chemical castration.
Is chocolate bad for dogs?
-RICHARD SPLETT: Oh no, not bad.
Deadly.
-GARY WALSH: Okay.
Richard, you can't keep working
on both campaigns.
But they're both
equally good people.
I would like to schedule
an appointment.
It's for an abortion.
FELIX WADE:
Have you met Senator Talbot?
I like to say she's the future
of the party.
She's running for president?
Crowd:
( chanting ) Kemi! Kemi! Kemi!
As a woman,
and a woman of color,
I know these struggles
firsthand.
- Whose time is it?
- Crowd: Our time!
- When is our time?
- Now!
And now let me hear you!
Whose time is it?
It sounds like Dr. Seuss
fucked Maya Angelou
in the yuzz-ma-tuzz
and then filled her all up
with snoozily-scuzz.
How is this possibly
even working for her?
Socio-politically,
protest chants have proved
- an effective method--
- OK, off.
Kemi's crowds are huge.
You know what else
is huge, Amy?
Not even really showing.
- Gary: Mm...
- You look beautiful.
And how about
the 24-hours-a-day
free media coverage
that she's getting?
- Ben: Yep.
- MSNBC has something on you.
Put it on this I-thing.
Narrator:
--paign showing
signs of trouble.
- Selina: Oh, Christ.
- Andrew Meyer, husband
- of President Selina Meyer...
- Ex-husband!
- Everything looks great.
Ready when you are.
- I know.
Let's go, ma'am.
They're all waiting for ya.
Selina:
Here we go.
Hellooooo!
( cheers, applause )
- What?
- No, this is great.
This is great.
OK! University of Iowa!
- ( crowd cheers )
- People come up to me,
they say,
"Why do you want
to be president?"
And I say,
"It's time to finish
the unfinished business
of four years ago!"
Say it with me:
"Time to finish
- the unfinished business!"
- Crowd: "Of four years ago."
Without the "four years ago."
OK. Iowa! What do we want?
All:
Time to finish
the unfinished business..."
No-- Not--
"New Selina Now"!
- What do we want?
- Ben: When I say "shit,"
you say "show."
Of four years ago.
( music playing )
Selina:
I was so far ahead.
How are you losing Iowa?
- And did you see the new cover
of "Time" magazine?
- Yes. Are angels real?
- Ben: "Kemi Fever."
Three exclamation points.
- Kent: It's a pandemic.
Yeah, well, somebody
sneezed on our campaign,
now we're bleeding
out our assholes.
- Hi, guys!
- Morning.
Kent:
Ma'am, we're scrapping
tomorrow's schedule.
- What?
- You're making an appearance
at the Waterloo County Fair.
Ben:
Block and tackle
retail politics.
- Gary: Ugh. Retail.
- Ben: Eat a few corn dogs...
Selina:
Last thing I need
is my picture being taken
eating dick-shaped food.
I'd rather eat
a food-shaped dick.
OK, folks.
Where is Keith Quinn?
I have the "New York Times"
interviewing him
about running the campaign.
Maybe somebody should be
interviewing the "Times"
about why they write
so much about modern dance.
Thirty-six hours
in Snoozeville.
- That was my major.
- Selina: OK.
How are we going to
RU486 Kemi's campaign?
- No offense, Amy.
- Catherine: Mom, do you
have to act that way?
I mean, Kemi is
super impressive.
And I'm not gonna lie,
ma'am,
- very much my type.
- You're kidding.
Clearly, I have a thing
for strong women.
- What's happening?
- Strong women.
My God, pick a lane. Jesus.
Dan:
Ma'am, Kemi just picked up
two Senators and a union.
A good union
or, like, teachers?
Local 74.
Iowa Asbestos Workers.
- Kent: Well, there you go.
- ( laughter )
Actually, my uncle was
a shop steward in the 7-4.
Asbestos killed him.
- On, no!
- I'm sorry, Richard.
Asbestos was the name
of their pit bull.
It was a rescue
that killed its first owner.
That's why you have
to go to breeders.
Ben:
OK. Order, order.
First item: debate prep.
That's how we beat Kemi.
Fine. Stupid handshakes,
opening statement,
uh, thank you
to Date Rape University,
- first question.
- Dan: Madam President,
how do you explain
the accusations
the Meyer Fund
and your husband Andrew Meyer
stole millions during--
- No. Andrew Meyer
is my ex-husband.
- Yep.
And I have had virtually
no contact with him
- at this point.
- ( knocking on window )
Oh-- OK.
We're gonna take
a quick five, guys.
Fantastic.
Her Achilles cock.
Andrew! I see Monnie
got a new paint job.
Monnie and I
are still together.
Better than ever, in fact.
No. Felicia is my...
paralegal.
Oh, God, we're all
goin' to jail.
- Wait in the car, OK?
- Can you please
find me a real green juice
somewhere in Iowa?
I'm drinking Odwalla
like some country lesbian
who just got
to the big city.
- Ma'am.
- Not yet.
Amy:
So much for debate prep.
Dan:
Actually, that was
our best one yet.
- Ohh.
- Hey, Ame. Hey, Dan.
Happy Abortion Eve.
- Oh, my God!
- What? Don't they all know?
Amy: Go!
OK, I don't know
if I should be sad
- or turned on.
- Ben: Eww.
Richard, you're running
yourself ragged working
on both campaigns.
I'm actually a little
embarrassed. I mean,
two jobs is no big deal.
- In fact, it's the
Speltt family motto.
- Splett.
Speltt. It's my mother's
side of the family.
I think you should
definitely quit Selina.
I would if I could.
Actually, I tried
to quit last week,
and the president
gave me a raise.
- Marjorie: So quit Jonah.
- He gave me a raise too.
Some people say
I'm not fit to be president,
that I'm dangerously unskilled.
But when I debate my fellow
candidates in the debate
this Saturday,
I'm finally gonna
set the record straight.
Because that's when
the gloves... come off.
( bell dings )
Senator James,
you pledged to bring jobs
back to America.
- ( blow lands )
- Aaah!
President Meyer,
you say you're
tough on crime, huh?
Then why am I not in prison
for punching the president?
- Pretty good, right?
- Senator Talbot,
I think your tax plan
is a wack plan.
Psyche.
Aaah! Uhh!
- ( bell dings )
- Undisputed...
President of the United States!
I'm Jonah Ryan, and I wanna
suck this message's hot clam.
- Me too!
- When do we roll that out?
We don't.
You went completely off script!
I ad-libbed.
Teddy, improv
is Jonah's thing.
You should have heard
his wedding vows.
He did a really funny
Chinese voice.
Yeah, I expressed
how horny I was.
We focus-tested the ad,
and most people
are uncomfortable
watching a white man
kick a black woman
in the vagina.
Well, I don't see
vagina color.
Why don't we just kick
President Meyer instead?
The debate committee
just emailed me
to say that there
are so many candidates
they've decided to host
two separate debates.
One for candidates polling
with at least 5% of the vote,
and another one
for those polling
with less than 5%.
And, good news--
No, that's bad news.
I'm at less than 5%?
In the plus column,
the undercard debate
will be first,
which means we have no problem
getting out of the parking lot.
Oh, no, that's bad news too.
It's stacked parking.
Andrew, you said there was
nothing illegal about the fund.
I thought
we both understood
I was lying.
You do know I'm running
for president, right?
- ( knocks )
- Madam P! Got a moment?
Can you fuck off?
( laughs )
Can do, skipper.
- OK.
- Andrew: Lee,
do you happen to know
if Marjorie
has the complete ledgers
to all the Meyer Fund accounts?
Yes. I'm sure that she does.
That's too bad.
I think I'm gonna
pop by her office
and see if it's locked.
For once will you
tell me the truth?
How much money
did you steal?
Technically it was you
that stole the money
from the fund
because I signed your name
on some documents.
- Oh, my God.
- Don't worry, Lee.
I'll keep you out of it.
Yeah. "Don't worry, Lee.
You won't get pregnant.
I'll pull out
and cum on your back."
Again, I thought we both
understood I was lying.
General Stattler.
How are you?
Sorry to keep you waiting.
Come on in.
Madam President,
I have been trying repeatedly
to get your office to sign off
on a presidential funeral plan.
And since your tenure
was so unusually brief,
I took the liberty
of using President Ford's
ceremony as a template.
- Who?
- Uh, that's not gonna work.
He was lucky not to get dumped
out of a pickup truck
into a quarry.
- My vision for when I die...
- If you...
- No, I am gonna die.
- Mm...
More of a sort of
a Princess Diana thing.
But classy.
- But no Prince Charles.
- Oh, yeah.
- He's worse than the mother.
- Ohh.
Oh, that's a good idea.
Let's make a list
of everybody we don't want
invited to my funeral.
- Fun.
- Yeah.
And put Andrew
at the top.
( laughing )
Already there.
Begging your pardon,
ma'am,
but these plans
should have been made
- before you left office.
- Oh.
Put Montez on the list.
You know, I could
get reelected.
Ma'am, why don't we just jump
right to embalming options
to minimize decomp
during the rotunda viewing.
- Hughes.
- Gary: Ugh.
Do I really want
to get embalmed?
- Yeah, the neck. Yeah.
- Oh, that's true. Right.
- ( calliope music plays )
- Teddy: Jonah Ryan.
Outsider's insider.
Make sure to vote.
Hey, Teddy.
Teddy, check this out.
- Teddy, look.
- What am I doing?
- No, get the big one.
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh. ( moaning )
- ( Beth laughing )
Beth:
Teddy, isn't he
so funny?
He's hilarious,
Mrs. Ryan.
Why don't you eat this,
Congressman?
- OK.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
- All right.
- Congressman Ryan.
- Yeah.
How do you feel about
being relegated to
the undercard debate?
- Oh, no comment.
- Uh, no. Comment.
I deserve to be
in the real debate
as much as Selina Meyer
and that hot new black lady.
It is literally
the definition
of retarded.
Congressman has
a very busy schedule,
thank you.
Hi. Jonah Ryan,
candidate for president--
What the fuck, Teddy?!
You can't say "retarded"
in front of a reporter.
- Why, is he retarded?
- No, but you might be.
No. My pediatrician
ran the tests.
Besides, if I was, you'd know.
I'd have retard face
or whatever.
- He would look different.
- Jonah.
You have to watch
what you say.
- Damn it.
- Wait. Who are you calling?
No. Don't tell my mom.
It's Teddy, yeah.
I'm calling in the favor.
Teddy, look.
It's shitting in my mouth.
He's pretending the potato
is pooping in his mouth.
Mike:
Buzzfeed rented this house
for all their reporters.
- Babe, why are you
wearing that hat?
- Well, ever since I got it,
they stopped
calling me "Old Guy."
Now I'm "Hat Guy."
- It's "Fat Guy."
- Hey, Mike, have you given
any thought to that thing
that we talked about?
I think it would be
really good for Ellen
if we adopted another baby
from China.
Wendy, we're barely
makin' ends meet,
and ever since
the Felix Wade piece,
Buzzfeed's been
climbing up my ass.
Somehow they got the idea
I'm a good writer.
- And I'm not!
- I gotta go help Ellen
with her Mandarin.
All right. Ellen, ni hao!
That means "hello,"
Mike.
- Wendy: Have fun, baby.
- Lizzie: Hey, Fat Guy.
Did I hear you're having trouble
meeting your article quota?
Maybe.
You interested in
some study buddies?
Didn't I used to be
Hat Guy?
I think it was always Fat Guy.
( air brakes hiss )
Oh, wow! What a crowd! Hi!
- I hope you'll vote for me.
- Kent: "Caucus."
- They don't know
what that word is.
- Good point.
Hi, Mom! Don't tell me.
Are these all of
your children?
- Yes, they are.
- That's a busy beaver.
- Yes.
- Yes, indeed.
Hey, kids. Were you all
just petting the animals?
- Kids: Yes.
- Great.
- Where's Kemi?
- Senator Talbot
is currently using
her campaign app
- to host a digital town hall.
- Kemi:... woman of color...
Jesus-hashtag-Christ.
- Do we even have an app?
- Of course we do, ma'am.
The current version
only asks for donations
and, for some reason,
deletes your address book.
Technically,
it's more of a virus.
I had it but had to delete it
because it was making
my phone hot.
Hello! Yes! Yeah!
Madam President,
I have a question
and two follow-ups.
- You do?
- How do you feel about
Governor Calhoun accusing you
of being unfit for office
because of your complicity
in your husband's
alleged crimes?
He's my ex-husband, Mike,
and I think
we're all getting
pretty tired
of these cheap
personal attacks.
- Perhaps that kind of thing
plays well in "Nevahda" --
- Nevada.
Nevada, but I challenge
Governor Calhoun,
and the other candidates,
to, uh,
to join me...
in a "non-negative" pledge.
I think it's time
to start talking about
the issues that affect
real Americans.
Thank you.
Wow, Mike,
you said an actual thing.
How the fuck did that happen?
It's like
"Flowers for Algernon."
I understand
that reference now.
It's a book.
Oh, by the way,
have you seen Andrew?
I gotta get ahold of him.
I'm startin' to think
he's rippin' me off.
Stephanie:
What we do at
Crawford Bloom Associates,
we work with
high profile clients
like yourself
to make sure that
not only are they understood,
but, more importantly,
never misunderstood.
We want you to put
your best foot forward
- and not in your mouth.
- Exactly.
That's a good one.
I like that.
- I like these guys.
- Stephanie: OK, so,
you went to the fair yesterday.
- ( Jonah laughing )
- Yeah. Let's talk about
the specific incident
that brought you to us.
- Oh, yeah, the retarded thing.
- Yes. Exactly.
Now, when you said
that word, Congressman,
is there, I don't know,
another word that
you could have used,
had the same meaning?
- There's no wrong answers.
- Nope.
Um...
mentally retarded?
No, that-- that's wrong.
I see where
your head is at, though,
and you are
technically correct.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Danny: Yes.
And technically also, though,
you see how you're still using
the same form of
the hurtful word?
You're feeling
what I'm saying?
Yeah, not really.
Can I get another bagel?
It might be a great time
to introduce
a new strategy
that we have developed here
called "360 degree
perspective-taking."
Oh, God, is that like math?
Actually, it's just a way
of using empathy
to help avoid hurting
other people's feelings.
( laughs )
That's so gay.
- Um, what?
- Excuse me?
Oh, guys, come on.
I didn't mean like gay gay
or like "This guy
and his husband are gay."
I meant gay like,
uh, mentally retarded.
OK. You know what?
Ah, Stephanie,
I need a minute,
I just need one minute.
- I'm so sorry. Thank you.
- Jonah: OK. Yeah.
Is this guy on
his fuckin' period?
What is--
Ow!
( knocking on door )
My dumb slit sister
was supposed to be
my abortion ride,
but now, of course,
she is nowhere to be found,
so I'm--
- Oh. That makes sense.
- Dan: Yeah.
Well, would you mind?
Unless you plan on
fucking her again
while she's passed out.
She doesn't call that rape,
by the way, that's just
regular sex to her.
- I will get my keys.
- Thank you.
Sophie:
Don't wear white pants!
Richard:
Big news, ma'am.
Governor Calhoun announced
that he's signed onto
your non-negative pledge.
Oh, what a pussy.
Kent:
Ma'am, every candidate
has made
the non-negative pledge,
including Tom James and Kemi.
Look at you!
You've got chocolate
all over your face like a child,
but you're an adult! Adorable!
Also, the dog mayor of Lurlene
has passed away.
- I'm sorry, Richard.
- Oh, my God.
- What? Who?
- The dog that I, uh...
Oh. No.
We should probably
send someone to the funeral.
Well, make Amy go.
Where is that Fatty McFatty
hiding today?
She aborted
her unborn fetus.
Dock her a day's pay then.
Richard, do you want to go?
It would be my honor
to attend.
( rifle popping )
Winner.
Honey,
I think that's enough.
These are clearly made
with child labor.
- Hold this.
- Man: What are you,
some kind of Green Beret?
I was an agricultural advisor.
Nothing more.
( protesters shouting )
Woman:
Abortion is murder!
Keep your head down, Ames.
I'll part the redneck sea.
Dan:
All right, all right,
back up. Make some room.
Psalm 106! Think of
the innocent children!
- Oh! You want me to think...
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
about the children,
you hog-fingering fucks?
Well, I did think about this.
I considered it,
and I cried, and yeah,
suck my cock,
I even prayed a little,
and here I am.
So you can back the fuck off,
you hypocritical cunts,
before I show up
to the piss puddle
that is your house
and protest your husband
whacking it to your daughter's
seventh grade yearbook.
That sign's misspelled.
- Come on, Dan.
- Yes. Yes.
And I hope you'll all caucus
for Selina Meyer.
New Selina Now.
- ( ring clanks )
- Ohh! Darn it.
- OK. Yeah?
- Ma'am.
( whispers )
Kemi killed her boyfriend.
What? How is this
not all over the news?
Her records were sealed.
She was 16.
She accidentally hit him
with her Volkswagen Cabriolet.
She is an actual murderer?!
( laughing ) Yes!
Who drives an import!
Oh, my God!
I think I'm gonna cry.
We gotta spread this news
like Kemi's boyfriend's guts
all over the pavement!
Actually, he was decapitated.
- Here. You do this.
- Ma'am. Ma'am.
We can't use this.
Social media is exploding
with praise
for your
non-negative pledge.
Well, why did you morons
let me do that?
- ( clank )
- Man: Winner.
- ( Selina gasps )
- ( crowd oohs )
Oh! I did it! I did it!
- Here you go, ma'am.
- Thank you.
Enjoy the rest of your day
at the Waterloo County Fair.
Thank you.
I don't want this.
OK. Is there any way
we can accuse Kemi
of murdering her boyfriend,
but in a positive way?
Madam President!
Guess your age?
Guess your weight?
Oh. Um-- ( laughs )
- OK. What was that?
- ( Gary mutters )
- Where's Secret Service?
- Just came out of nowhere.
Woman:
OK, Ms. Brookheimer,
I do need to warn you
about some of
the surgical risks involved.
Infection, bleeding,
uterine perforation.
Yep, 10-4.
Body's a wonderland.
Can I just sign
the consent form?
Per Iowa law, I do
have to offer you the option
of viewing the ultrasound.
Less talk, more abortion.
Patient has declined.
I am as sure...
as I will be.
OK. We're gonna give you
some medicine now
to help you relax.
( chuckles ) Oh, yeah? You got
any of those darts they use
on rampaging circus animals?
No need.
Everyone's always
telling me to relax
and I'm not good at relaxing.
Well, I don't want to relax
'cause I hate relaxing so...
- Ooh.
- Ahh.
There you go, tough guy.
- Very good.
- Nurse: Mm-hmm.
Is that the Berkeley VC-10?
That's like
the Shelby Cobra GT
of vag-vacs.
I'm sorry, who is this man?
( sing-songy )
That's Dan.
Yeah, I'm the proud
father-to-not-be.
- Here ya go, ma'am.
- Uh-huh.
- Madam President.
- Selina: Yes.
And the crowd goes wild.
What is up with
the Clubfoot Cunt-tessa?
I think she's worried
that you might beat her up
in the girls' bathroom,
- give her a swirly.
- Oh, no.
( laughing )
Yeah, you would've.
OK. You know what?
- Can you just...
- Sure. Yeah.
Madam President,
I do believe that we are
literally and figuratively
out to pasture.
Oh, God, it's really too bad,
'cause I've got something
so juicy on
Ms. Post-Racial America.
- How juicy?
- I mean,
fresh-squeezed
Billy Carter juicy.
But I can't use it,
- unless...
- Unless...
he wondered.
Unless.., you wanted
to break the pledge first.
You want me to go back
on your word.
No. Forget it.
This never works.
- What am I thinking?
- No, no, no, no.
Selina, listen, you got
no reason to trust me,
based on...
Yeah. Trying to screw me
out of the presidency,
then trying to
actually screw me,
then screwing me,
then writing a book
about screwing me.
- Also discussed it
on television.
- Lovely.
- If I go negative on Kemi...
- Yeah.
once she's gone...
The party's stuck with us.
Like it's supposed to be.
Jonah:
And that is why
I know I'm wrong
and I would like to apologize
for the hurtful words
that I used.
And not just because
there was a camera.
Teddy:
Although if there is a tape,
we would appreciate it
and any copies of that tape
to... pray and reflect on.
Come on, guys.
( scoffs ) Are you deaf?
( mocking deaf people )
Did you not hear
what he was saying?
What is wrong with you?
Are you fuckin' retarded?!
- Oh, my God!
- Ohh--
I am so sorry. I'm so sorry.
- No, no, no. It's OK.
- I'm so sorry.
I accept your apology.
( clears throat )
- I really love that sweater.
- Thank you.
Jonah:
One voter at a time, Teddy.
- Beth: But Jonah,
there were two of them.
- I know.
I have left literally
hundreds of messages,
none of which you've returned,
which is why
I am writing this email,
Andrew--
- Hey, Mike. You good?
- Actually, I'm under
a little bit of pressure.
My wife wants to adopt a new kid
and my old boss's ex-husband
maybe stole our life savings,
so I'm trying
to write him a letter
but I can't focus on anything
'cause it's so dirty in here,
and bright,
and, oddly, windy, right?
Hey, do you have any more
of those "concentratey" pills?
Yeah, no, I think
you've had enough.
Thank you!
"I've had enough, Andrew!
Mike McLintock
has had enough!"
Catherine:
This is a pretty good turnout
for a dog funeral.
I mean,
even the governor's here.
Who are all these people?
Novelty mayors
are Iowa's number one
source of tourism.
After tornado-chasing.
And coming into town
to buy Sudafed.
- Is that a mayor as well?
- ( laughs ) That's just a cat.
Could you imagine?
( laughs )
- This isn't Nebraska.
- Judge Sackett: Richard.
Can I speak with you
after the service?
Of course, Judge.
How's the search for
the new successor?
Sadly, the mayor was fixed
and cloning was too expensive.
That's what I want
to talk to you about.
Would you like me
to neuter the new mayor?
We're being sued
by the sensitivity trainers.
Joke's on them,
because you can't
sue the president.
Jonah, I know this is just
the undercard debate,
- but it's still important.
- Well, hello!
Oh, no. Jonah, you should've
worn a costume.
What the fuck?
I gotta debate Dumbledong?
Listen, OK. He's just
the protest candidate.
Ignore him.
What's most important is,
you have to be more PC
than a clit ring
made out of wheatgrass.
Don't worry about it.
I got it handled.
- I wrote down
all the words not to say.
- OK, that'll work.
( music playing )
Woman:
Welcome back
to tonight's debate
featuring candidates
polling between 5%
and not-statistically
significant.
I'm Brie Ramachandran-Shulhoff.
Let's turn our attention
to foreign policy,
- Congressman Ryan.
- Bring it on, Brie.
Your question is about Africa.
- Pass.
- With China challenging
American hegemony
across the African continent,
should we adopt
a more aggressive policy
of forward deployment
by sending U.S. ground troops
into countries like Niger?
I'm sorry, you can't say that.
I mean, only he can say that.
Say what, "Niger"?
It doesn't matter
how you pronounce it,
we now know
that it is wrong.
Congressman, I think
you're confused.
She's referring to
the African nation--
- African American nation.
- ...of Niger.
( whispers ) Jesus, Clark,
you're standing
right next to the guy.
What did he say?
No, he said it,
not me.
But for the record,
I think that the United States
should send troops
into countries like N-word,
and I think it would be best
if those troops were black.
Can I just say,
making friends overseas
- is powerful magic.
- ( crowd applauding )
You ask him any question,
it's gonna be "powerful magic."
I'm gonna ask him a question.
What's your solution
to fix our failing
public education system?
Well, longer school years,
free breakfast...
and magic!
- Oh, come on.
- ( crowd applauding )
Little Richard
will be very happy
for his daddy--
the new mayor of Lurlene.
Catherine, he won't
be making memories
for another 22 months.
Hey, I think that went
pretty well, right?
Well, I just got here,
so I'm gonna say yes.
I want you to add
the Dalai Lama to this list,
'cause I'm gonna be
the only stiff at my funeral.
Oh, look at this.
Congressman Ryan!
And this must be
Mrs. Ryan.
Or do you go by
your maiden name: Mrs. Ryan?
Oh, either is fine.
No, ma'am,
she's my half-sister.
- Step.
- Gary: She's his step-sister.
Madam President,
Congressman Ryan,
I'm glad you're both here.
It seems I have been appointed
the new Mayor of Lurlene.
- Oh, congratulations!
- Mayor Splizzle in the hizzle!
Wow. All right.
But don't you have to be a dog?
Well, legally, yes,
but it's unenforceable.
But, sadly, I have to tell you
that I can no longer work
for your presidential campaign.
- Of course. I understand.
- I'll be sorry to lose you.
Uh, me too.
- Kent: ( whispers ) Ma'am.
- Hm?
- Ma'am.
- What?
Excuse me. Yes?
It seems that Mike
just published
a piece on Buzzfeed
entitled "An Open Letter
to Andrew Meyer."
"Dear Mr. Andrew Meyer,
I have invested my entire
life savings with you,
and have yet to see
a single dollar in return."
What?!
Mike's entire life savings?
So we're talking about,
what, $6?
The term "Fonzie scheme"
is referenced.
And the article as a whole
is not cool.
Get that Benedict
Ronald McDonald
on the phone right now.
And find me Tom James!
( cell phone ringing )
( ringing )
- Fat Guy's phone.
- Selina: Mike, what
the backstabbing fuck?!
Dude, your mom's on the phone.
She sounds pissed.
( music playing )
Kemi:
And that's why as a woman,
and a woman of color,
my entire life has been
training for the Oval Office.
- ( applause )
- If I could just add onto that
- Selina: You know, Greg,
- by speaking-- Yeah. OK.
Selina:
I have actually sat
in the Oval Office
and made tough decisions--
life-and-death decisions.
And believe me, the many,
many accomplishments
of the Meyer administration
were no accident.
What? What-- Oh.
- Did you say-- I'm sorry,
did you say something? OK.
- No, you're good. No, no.
- I'd like to hop in, and just--
- Selina: Which is--
- Tom: I think I know...
- All right.
what President Meyer
is driving at so artfully,
is that she would like me
to tell you
that Senator Talbot here
accidentally murdered
her boyfriend
in a reckless car accident
when she was 16 years old.
But you know what?
I'm not gonna stoop
to your level and say that,
Selina. I'm not--
I'm not sure what you mean,
Senator James--
I guess we shouldn't
be surprised at this kind
of underhandedness
from a woman whose husband,
Andrew Meyer--
- Ex-husband, in fact.
- Whatever he is.
- You want to get it right.
- The two of you,
according to your
former press secretary,
used the Meyer Fund
to defraud millions of dollars
from our obese children,
from our adult illiterates,
- from emerging democracies...
- Our military families.
So where you headed after this?
I got a neo-Nazi on the dangle
in Sweden.
Only one talking point,
but they do stick to it.
Did you know
that President Meyer
had a heart attack
a couple of years ago?
Just covered it up!
Well, you had a heart attack.
This was a minor
prostate procedure....
If I may interject.
Please.
I think that
the American people
deserve more from
the next president
than a bunch of
politics-as-usual
mud-slinging.
( applause )
Oh, boy.
That Kemi really
has it going on.
Kemi:
And it brings me no joy
to revisit one of the worst
events of my childhood
in which, yes,
I was in a car accident
that killed a dear friend.
But I have looked up
to President Meyer
since I was a little girl,
and I have heard her many,
many explanations
for her ex-husband's
activities at the fund.
And I accept them all.
Well. ( laughs )
You know, if--
- Oh. You do?
- I do. And frankly,
I'm tired of hearing about it.
- I think we all are.
- Selina: Well, I know I am.
Thank you.
- Um, I--
- And as far as both
of your medical issues go,
- it's TMI, people, it's TMI.
- ( audience laughs )
And I would just
like to add to that--
- Greg: Hold that thought,
Governor Calhoun.
- Yeah.
We're gonna take
a quick break
and then we will be right back
with more of
the presidential debate
live from Drake University
in Des Moines, Iowa,
in just a moment.
( applause )
Stagehand:
And we're clear.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
- I'm sorry, Mom.
- Man: Back in two minutes.
You gotta help me.
Somebody's gotta
tell me what to do.
Hit her with the economy.
There's no way
her college loan plan
can pay for itself.
Neither can mine, Ben!
None of these plans can!
Do you have your
debate cheat sheet?
- Yes, it's right here.
- All right.
Ma'am, this is your
funeral blackball list.
And all of you are on it!
We need to muddy her up.
Something as bad as Andrew.
- Drugs.
- Lesbianism.
Mom, Mom, stop. OK?
If you don't win,
we are all gonna
have to rally behind Kemi.
- Catherine, who cut your hair?
- Yeah.
Man:
One minute, Madam President.
Please head back to the stage.
OK, um...
Olu-wakemi Talibah Talbot.
- Oh.
- That sounds like
a terrorist to me, folks.
- Talibah, Taliban.
- Taliban.
That's an old chestnut.
Mom, I am begging you
as the mother of
a mixed-race child--
Stop it! Stop!
My God! I have had it
with this whimpering
and whining from you
and your generation!
It's time for you
to grow a pair
and man the fuck up!
Not bad.
( music playing )
Whether your ceiling
is made of glass
or covered in
peeling lead paint,
as a woman,
and a woman of color,
I want to challenge our notions
of economic justice.
Senator Talbot,
I met a farmer--
Let me tell you something
about justice, Senator.
When I was coming up
as a lawyer,
I didn't have to remind everyone
I was a woman every ten seconds
because they never
let me forget it.
I smiled all through
the casual grabbing of my behind
and all the secret meetings
on the golf course
that I wasn't invited to.
So how about giving a little
thanks to the women like me
who built the ladder
that you use to get up
onto your soapbox?
How about for once in your life
you stop whining,
you stop complaining,
and just man up?
- Because I honestly-- I--
- ( applause )
Yeah, that's right,
you heard me, man up.
Ya know? Let's just say it
like it is.
- That's it!
- ( applause )
All right. All right.
If you'll just
show our affection
for all of our candidates...
Congratulations,
Catherine.
( applause continues )
Greg:
From Drake University,
this has been CNN's first
Iowa presidential debate.
I'm Greg Hart. Good night.
- ( music playing )
- ( applause )
Aw, I'm so proud of you.
Thank you.
Greg:
Madam President,
- may I say whoooaaa!
- Thank you, Greg.
President Meyer.
- Hey!
- Wonderful job.
You did it, ma'am.
God bless America
for hating woman
almost as much as I do.
- Crowd:
Man up! Man up! Man up...
- Get out of my way.
Amy:
She won?
"Man up."
- Huh.
- That's really good.
Who came up with that?
Catherine.
How ya doin'?
Feels like...
someone shoved
a red-hot pair of barbecue tongs
up my joy trail.
Oh, before I forget.
Frozen maxi-pads
soaked in comfrey extract.
My own
personal recipe.
That is so nice.
And also...
cold and disgusting.
I'm gonna need that back
when you're done,
'cause Leon will pay
big bucks for it.
Ohh. Ugh.
Dan, did I make a mistake?
- What if I never get--
- ( phone chimes )
( chiming, buzzing )
- Yeah?
- Teddy: Ames-bo-bames.
It's Teddy Sykes.
How would you like the chance
to help lead a divisive,
physically repugnant underdog
to historic victory?
You want me to join
Jonah's campaign?
- Such as it is. Whaddya say?
- What?
( whispers )
Ask for campaign manager.
I would need to be
campaign manager.
So you shall be.
I'm not gonna lie--
it's gonna be really hard
and no fun.
We have got
a bit of a problem.
You are in luck,
because my schedule
just got scraped clean.
- We will talk soon.
- Yes!
Get up!
We have something
to celebrate.
- Nice.
- Mm.
Yeah. Five minutes.
See? When you do
good things,
good things happen
to good people.
I'm such a good person.
Ma'am, I was hoping I could have
some more responsibilities...
- SELINA MEYER: Yes!
- Yes!
Can you make me
a waxing appointment?
- I'm feeling patriotic.
- Full bald eagle.
I just found out
from my stupid stepfather--
TEDDY SYKES: Father-in-law!
From my stupid
stepfather-in-law,
that math
was created by Muslims.
How are we doing with
non-college educated whites?
-Look at this.
-KENT DAVISON:
Underwater, ma'am.
Then how about
college educated whites?
In South Carolina, that is not
a significant slice of the pie.
I would really love to be able
to count on your endorsement.
You gonna make me say it?
We got race in the race.