Veep (2012–…): Season 7, Episode 6 - Oslo - full transcript
Congratulations, Madam President.
Thank you. It's very exciting.
Yes, we're thrilled.
The woman who freed Tibet is finally
getting her Nobel Peace Prize.
Technically, not a Peace Prize, ma'am.
You've won the Summit Peace Award
of the World Summit
of Nobel Peace Laureates.
It's kind of like
the Peace Prize Junior.
The American voters
don't know the difference,
and, frankly, neither do I.
Ma'am, I'm headed back to the hotel
to work on your acceptance speech.
Okay, I don't know what
that's a euphemism for,
but, Leon, you need to
really lay it on thick.
- Okay? Tibet, Tibet, Tibet.
- You bet, you bet, you bet.
I wanna sound like Bono
trying to impress
his own reflection in the mirror.
- I understand.
- Yeah. Good.
Hey. Was that Colonel Al-Saleh,
the Butcher of Juba, back there
by the carving station?
The Nobel people don't ask too
many questions if you buy a table.
Ma'am, at this point, they're just
trying to avoid losing the building.
My Nobel Prize really makes the point
that I've got way more foreign policy
experience than that half-wit Kemi.
I think it's pronounced "half-white."
Well, "tomato, mulatto."
Hey, ma'am, Catherine and Marjorie's
wedding is in three weeks,
and her and her wedding planner...
Okay, can you just say you?
You and Catherine.
We're a little concerned about sitting
you next to Marjorie's shaman.
- Hello!
- Congratulations, Mom.
Thank you very much.
So, I understand we're having
some sort of a seating issue?
Whatever you gals want is fine by me
as long as someone lets me have
mini-vegan pigs in gluten-free
blankets at the reception.
- Oh, God.
- Listen, darling,
why don't you get married
over here in Europe?
Because without
an American marriage license,
U.S. community property laws
do not apply, my darling.
- Marjorie is my soul mate forever.
- That's fine.
I don't know why you
would bring this up...
You and your maid of honor here
can sit me next to
whatever Injun Joe you want.
It's your special day, so...
- Thank you, Mother.
- You're welcome.
- I don't have a drink.
- I'll get it.
Um, when am I getting my meeting with
President Lu about the Montez stuff?
- Oh, I can't hear you.
- Legally not present.
Guys, listen. I just need to get in
a room with Lu, one-on-one,
so I can change his mind
about supporting me for president.
Face-to-face, I can
convince anyone of anything.
- That's not true.
- Incorrect.
You're both wrong.
- Well, you're right.
- Okay?
Ma'am, Lu's people
have been Great-Walling us.
I don't think they're
anxious to meet with you.
That's why I brought along some bait.
- Selina!
- Minna!
Oh, Minna!
Lu developed a real hankering for
Finnish furburger back at Camp David.
He eye-fucked her so bad
he got retinal herpes.
Minna!
- Selina!
- Oh...
- I don't get the attraction.
- Oh, I do.
So, my last three lovers,
they are complaining
that my naughty talk
is both incessant and soporific.
Maybe you should let them choke you.
You think they would rather choke me
than listen to me talk?
I can only speak for myself.
You know, where is Lu?
- Selina Meyer!
- Murman!
Oh, my gosh,
I didn't know you were still alive.
The Russians reinstalled me
when they invaded Georgia.
- Oh, good for you.
- Huh! Factory reboot.
Beep-boop-beep-beep-boop.
A bit of personal news.
I recently bought
an English football club.
- Oh, wonderful!
- Leeds United.
No English players,
so pretty good team.
- Oh.
- Selina, crazy idea I have.
What if I gave you money
to help you win your election?
America does not stand for
foreign interference in our elections!
- Who do you think that I am?
- Yes, of course. Of course.
- I mean, it's an outrage!
- Yeah, yeah. New topic. New topic.
I want to buy your
Palm Beach house for $114 million.
Well, needless to say,
real estate is a different animal.
They're not making
any more of it, right?
Everybody's gotta live somewhere.
I'd rather deal with the Russian mob
than with those real estate people.
Well, it's because they're unethical,
that's what they are.
Because they are working
on commissions.
Yes! 6%.
It's abject greed, in my view.
- And I...
- The $114 million would be wired
from the Seychelles to Malta,
then back to the Seychelles,
and then to you.
I'm very flattered,
Murman, I really am,
but your timing is horrendous.
To live is to suffer, Selina.
The human condition.
- Yes.
- Ha!
- White people problems, right?
- Okay.
Thank you. Thank you, Murman.
You were right, ma'am.
Lu's looking for the tickee
in someone's shirtee.
What's the word, Minna?
President Lu will meet you
in the West Salon in ten minutes.
- He seems quite excited.
- Yeah, we could see that from here.
- Keith.
- Oh, hi.
- Where is Lu?
- You don't get to see Lu.
You need to go through me,
that's how this works.
I know all about Lu's secret plan
to get President Montez
elected for a second term.
So you go, and you tell Lu
that I want to talk
to him directly, right now.
You're going to do
exactly what we say.
- I'm sorry?
- Or else,
we'll tell the whole world
how you vaporized
a DRA leader's wedding
with Hellfire missiles
and also took a huge laser-guided shit
all over Pakistani sovereignty...
Okay, A, that never happened.
And B, that footage
is highly classified.
It was classified,
until somebody on your staff
clicked on
"Asian Girls Bound and Gagged."
Oh, Ben.
Or Kent.
Or Leon. Oh, God.
Or Marjorie. I mean...
Jonah, your anti-vaccination message
is bringing together an unheard-of mix
of Orthodox Jews,
uneducated fringe conspiracists,
and Kombucha-douching
private school moms.
That's the real America.
So, we've got three more stops
this afternoon.
Oh, look. If we go to Kentucky,
it's gonna look like a wang.
The Great Lakes
will be like the spooey.
Jonah, it's your dad again.
It's like the tenth time today.
Hey, Siri, you fuck my dad?
I don't know
how to respond to that.
- Typical woman.
- I know.
- That's mine.
- Clay, come on. Let's go.
All right. How you doing, Harrisburg!
Yeah!
Pennsylvania, you have
the second-lowest
vaccination rate in the nation,
and when I am elected president,
you will be number one!
- Thank you, Pennsylvania!
- Oh!
Thank you! All right! Yeah!
Oh!
Oh, look at this baby. Aw.
The menu has been an atrocity.
The guests are vegan,
and the president won't eat
anything without a face.
Selina.
I saw President Lu leaving.
Is everything all right?
Yeah, everything's
completely fine, Minna.
No. I can see the concern
in your eyes,
even through all the procedures.
What is it? Is it about the wedding?
He told you?
He would not stop talking about it.
He used the phrase
"complete atrocity."
Complete atrocity?
Minna, listen.
So I droned a couple wedding civilians
on the wrong side
of the Af-Pak border.
I thought you were talking
about your daughter's wedding
to your homosexual doppelganger.
Yes. I was.
Um...
"Droned a wedding"
is, uh, American slang for
- "I got it, I nailed it."
- Yeah, I do not think...
No, no, no. Really.
Like, "I droned that wedding, man!"
I do not think that
it is slang of any kind.
Oh, I guarantee you it is.
Ask anyone here...
Mike, we have made
a lot of mistakes here at CBS News.
I know, right?
But I think you could be a big part
of turning that around.
- Mmm-hmm.
- Okay. As a special correspondent,
you will be everywhere
that there's news.
And I don't think it hurts
that you will be our
youngest correspondent, by a lot.
Thank you, sir.
- So we bought the McLinTALK name...
- Uh-huh.
...but we did not get all
the intellectual property
from the old show. So...
- I have intellectual property?
- Oh, yeah!
The classic McLinTALK bits.
I mean, uh, when your phone rings
in the middle of an interview...
- Oh. Oh. Yeah, yeah.
- And the horrible wife?
- She's horrible!
- A lot of that stuff,
uh, I didn't know I was doing
until people pointed it out.
See? Keep that sense of humor.
Okay.
Because pretty much everything else
is gonna change.
Selina, you have put me
in a terrible situation.
You have just admitted
to being a war criminal.
Do they give Nobel Peace Prizes
to war criminals, Minna?
All the time. Aung San Suu Kyi,
Henry Kissinger,
and also, the prize
that you're getting,
it is not the Peace Prize.
- Oh, don't start with that!
- It is a second-tier Peace Prize.
- No.
- It is made of very hard plastic.
You have left me with no choice.
I must report you.
Okay. Well, then
you've left me with no choice.
Ha!
That was your phone.
I called Interpol
before we got in the car.
Come on, wait up.
Hey, hey... Minna.
Just a second! Sweet Viking Christ!
Come on!
Just call Interpol back,
tell them that you made a mistake.
I am sorry, Selina.
I have a commitment to
the principles of truth and justice.
As the former president
of the United States,
truth and justice can gargle my balls.
- Move the fuck out of my way.
- Ma'am, the ICC
has issued a warrant
for your arrest for war crimes.
Yeah. That's because
Autistic Barbie here
tattled on me over
the wedding drone strike.
- Which one?
- Nope. The DRA guy.
- Which was the only one.
- Correct!
Secret Service says
the Norwegian police
are all over the airport
and the hotel.
- Seriously?
- You will be extradited to the Hague
and imprisoned under Article VIII
of the Rome Statute.
Selina, if you request it,
I can offer you asylum.
You can stay here at the embassy!
I'd just as soon stay
at an Embassy Suites.
Ma'am, it's your only shot.
- Yeah.
- Really?
Fine.
I'll stay here.
Good. Now you must
formally request asylum.
Yeah, I'm just gonna go.
They can shoot me
as I make a run for it.
Fine. On behalf of the
Finnish Ambassador to Norway,
I grant you asylum.
She prefers the word "spa."
Welcome to your new office,
Lieutenant Governor Splett.
Here we go.
Wait. What? No. This is where
you stick an unfuckable intern.
Oh, no, no, no.
When I was a summer intern
for Lieutenant Governor Plasko
back in seventh grade,
I was in a much bigger office.
We gotta get the morbidly obese
fuck out of Iowa.
I mean, last night I tried to find
one non-chain restaurant to eat at,
and Yelp basically told me
to go Fuddrucker myself.
- Sounds like a settings issue.
- Okay. No.
Listen, we gotta get you
national, Richard. Okay?
So that's why I've already
booked you on McLinTALK.
And I canceled it.
Oh! Governor Ballentine!
You think you're hot shit, Splett?
First human mayor of Lurlene,
straight to lieutenant governor
in just a few months.
- Thank you.
- Well, now you're an ice-cold dog turd
because you're not getting my job.
Governor, we have
the utmost respect...
Save it, Manhattan Date Rape Mystery.
Splett, I'm gonna bury you so deep
in bullshit make-work
people are gonna forget
Iowa even has a lieutenant governor.
That shouldn't be too hard.
This is Michael McLintock...
and it's time to McLintalk
with Michael McLintock
on CBS International...
Yes, I'm still holding
for Secretary Doyle.
- Mike looks good.
- Mmm, so much better.
What's he doing? How long does
it take to change an adult diaper?
The Norwegian National Police
have surrounded
the Finnish Embassy in Oslo, Norway...
Oh, my God in heaven.
Selina, do you hate me?
Minna, I'm on the phone.
Ma'am, the White House refuses
to get involved in your situation.
- What?
- Although publicly,
Montez claims to be
considering all options.
Privately, I heard she's been
doing impressions of you
getting broom-sticked in prison.
Are people actually laughing
at that impression?
- No.
- Yes.
Is this really just about
me reporting you to the ICC?
Yeah. How long
am I supposed to be here?
I could be dead
before you ever get outta here.
Well, no offense, Ben, but honestly,
that could be, like, tonight.
- God willing.
- I forgave you
for not voting for me
to be the head of the IMF.
Minna, you don't go to prison
when you're not the head of the IMF.
Just the prison of unmet potential.
Ooh! Go sit in the corner, Minna! Go!
- Here comes the shoes!
- Sit here.
Guys, how is this affecting
my chances at the nomination?
You need to get in touch with
the American Ambassador to Norway.
Norway. Ambassador Costas
was Montez's husband's chiropractor.
Yeah, he does most of his
ambassador-ing in Orlando.
- Okay.
- Okay, that's everything.
I have no space in this room!
- I'll take it out.
- I cannot move!
It's easy. We'll get it out.
Selina, can I ask just one teeny,
tiny, very small question?
Yeah.
- Minna.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
From the bottom of my heart,
I truly and completely forgive you.
Now shut the living fuck up.
I am just sorry that
I cannot forgive you
for killing all those innocent people.
Get out.
- We are sharing a room.
- No, we're not.
Yeah.
Streptococksucker.
Do you have the chicken pox?
Clay gave them to me, yell at him.
- No, I didn't.
- Clay!
Oh, sweet pestilent Christ.
You need to see this.
...Disease Control is reporting
a large chicken pox outbreak
in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.
Oh, wow.
We got out of there just in time.
That is the eighth chicken pox
outbreak in the last week,
all in communities
with low vaccination rates
but no other apparent connection.
Oh, my God, you Patient IQ Zero!
You infected all those nutballs
who don't believe in vaccinations!
Well, serves them right.
Didn't you have
chicken pox as a child?
Were you too busy bed-wetting
and cutting fuck-holes in watermelons?
Ugh, Amy, that only works
with fleshy melons.
- Duh.
- Yeah. And sometimes pumpkins.
- Daddy!
- Hi, Bethy.
I'm really sorry I just showed up.
Oh, no, no, no!
I really wanna have a chance
to talk with you, Jonah.
Can't you see I feel
yucky enough already?
Jonah, I know that
you're angry with me.
I hate you so much I could walk into
a supermarket and shoot everybody.
It's all right to feel that way.
I just want you to know
that I love you.
And I hope someday
you'll give me another chance.
Okay.
Um, I beg your pardon?
Okay, you can be my dad.
I can be what?
You can be my dad if you want.
Oh, come here!
Oh, I love you, Jonah.
I love you too, Daddy. No homo.
Sure. No homo.
As we Finns say, the morning
is wiser than the evening.
Are you feeling wiser
this morning, Selina?
- Get off.
- No? I see that we are still choosing
not to make the best of the situation.
I can't.
Who ate my yogurt?
Alleged war criminal.
Selina, I think it would be best
for everyone if you can learn
to follow just a few simple
embassy staff rules.
- What?
- Number one,
you write your name
on your food in the refrigerator.
- Oh, my God.
- You see here, I've written "Minna,"
and I have written it
with a permanent marker.
Number two,
if you use a bowl or a spoon
or a plate or a cup or a jug,
afterwards, you would
wash in the sink.
Yeah?
Selina, if you go to prison,
you will not have your Gary
to clean up after you.
- Okay, look...
- No, I'll be there.
Ma'am, you gotta see
what's on TV. Come on.
Maybe it's time for me
to just turn myself in, Ben.
What is it? What's going on?
...Americans have come out in force
to show their support
for the former,
and possibly future, president,
Selina Meyer.
- Oh!
- Footage rolls.
Free Selina now!
What?
It turns out Americans
don't give a flying fatwa
if you drone a bunch of Muslims!
Your favorables have
never been higher, ma'am.
For polling purposes,
you're practically
a generic white male.
This is incredible!
I feel like the Grim Reaper
just dropped his scythe
and started eating me out!
Mom.
Ma'am, Catherine just had
the most romantic idea.
- Oh, good.
- Getting married here in Europe.
What?
Oh, Catherine!
What a wonderful idea.
Thank you, Mother.
- Gary.
- Yeah?
Can you put something together
here, at the embassy?
I found the perfect dress
at the Oslo Medieval Festival.
- Oh, I doubt it.
- Good. Okay.
Ma'am, we got bigger reindeer
to fuck here.
Guys, listen to me.
A wedding got me into this hot mess,
a wedding's gonna get me out of it.
A Potemkin wedding,
if I may coin a phrase.
Please don't.
Okay. Look, we need a plane
to get us home, correct?
...Selina Meyer live via phone.
Hello, President Meyer.
Hi, Mike.
You know, I just want
to thank the American people.
I mean, obviously,
while it is regrettable,
the loss of innocent lives,
you know, I will never, ever apologize
for keeping Americans safe.
Uh, Ma'am, we have
the drone footage here.
Would you take our viewers through it?
Guest speaks as footage two rolls.
Yes. Well, this is the compound
belonging to Hamza Al Bashir.
Now, hold on. What is that
right on over there, ma'am?
Is that an elephant or something?
Yes. Yeah, I believe it is.
Apparently, Al Bashir
had some sort of a private zoo,
and that's actually how
we were able to locate him.
And boom!
Wop! There goes the elephant.
- Ma'am?
- Yeah.
I think I may have found us a plane.
Governor, it's so nice of you
to come with us to comfort Jonah.
Jonah Ryan has as much chance
of becoming president
as a stack of retarded raccoons
in a trench coat,
but if anyone's crawling out
of our cesspool of a state
to become his Ag Sec,
it's gonna be this pigfucker.
Yeah. I didn't realize
that was a job requirement.
Oh, my God.
What do you think?
Beige or Tuscan beige?
Tough call.
They are the same.
And how is the blushing bride?
Mother, come on. Really?
- Cath, this is the best I could do.
- Gorgeous.
- You always do this.
- I do what?
- Do you remember my 13th birthday?
- No, I certainly don't.
Do you remember
my 16th birthday, then?
- Do you remember that?
- No, darling.
We gonna go through all the birthdays?
I don't remember any of them.
Do you remember my high school
graduation, or my college graduation?
Or any time I brought home a boyfriend
for you to meet
before I had girlfriends?
I didn't know the theme of the wedding
was Edward Scissor Sisters.
- I mean, seriously.
- I'm gonna pause.
Those sandwiches aren't
gonna finger themselves.
- I'll be right back.
- Catherine, I do not
want to fight with you, my darling.
- I...
- No, honey, listen to me.
I am so very proud of you
and your decision to get married here.
- Thank you, Mom.
- Mmm-hmm.
And you look amazing.
And I'm amazed by your look.
Um, I'm just gonna freshen up.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Okay, we're all good.
- Where's your mother?
- She went to the bathroom.
- That's not the bathroom.
- What?
If I could just have
a moment of your time, Congressman.
Will you move?
You're blocking the TV.
Sorry. Yeah. I think
in a Ryan administration
I could really make
a difference at agriculture.
Yeah. Whatever. There isn't gonna
be a Department of Agriculture.
- I'm getting rid of it.
- What?
Richard, who is this guy?
I'm the fucking governor
of Iowa, you nitwit!
And you just cost yourself
a spot in my administration!
- I'll call you a cab, Governor.
- Jonah, your dad's here!
Oh, hey, Dad!
Look who's ready for
a chicken pox party!
- What, I gave my dad chicken pox?
- Second time!
Now I can really see
the family resemblance.
Two generations of scabs, yo!
Fuck me with a side of ranch.
See ya back at the office, Governor.
Catherine. What has
your mother done now?
She used our wedding as a diversion
to escape from
the Norwegian National Police!
Smart.
Kitty Cat. It's all right.
We'll just get married
back in the States.
No. We are gonna
get married right now,
in Europe, because it's romantic.
Do you wanna maybe
clean up first?
No. I feel fucking pretty.
Uh...
I'm sorry. Who taught you
to do a smoky eye?
Joint Special Operations
Command. JSOC.
Ah.
It's not bad.
You know, these tunnels
date back to World War II.
- Really?
- Brave local citizens
banded together
in secret to assist the Nazis.
I think we should be underneath
the security perimeter by now.
- How can you tell?
- Ben. Over here.
- What's that?
- Ben.
Oh!
Murman!
Selina.
I am so happy to see you!
You have no idea!
- I have helped many tunnel escapes.
- Oh.
- Funny story.
- Oh, here we go.
Once, I told my enemy
it was tunnel escape,
- but in fact, I just buried him alive.
- Uh-huh.
Murman.
Actually, it was her,
but story is funnier with a man, huh?
In these MeToo days, you know?
Actually, I think
it could work with a woman.
Either way, it's a very good story.
Beginning, middle and end.
Plus a lesson.
Oh, but I would never, ever buried
alive my dear old friend Selina.
Oh. Chivalry is not dead, Murman.
No, no, no. Her name was Svetlana,
and she's definitely dead.
Yeah, I think the story
does work better with a man.
That was my first instinct.
Well, there you go.
Now, my car will take you
to the airport.
- Okay.
- And the airplane is waiting
to run out of gas
and drop you into the North Sea.
What?
Just kidding.
- You are bad.
- You believed me!
You got us.
I want to make one quick stop
on the way to the airport.
- What?
- Yeah, I wanna just pop in
and grab my Nobel Peace Prize.
Ma'am, that's the Nobel Prize
of bad ideas!
- No, that's economics, okay?
- We need to be out
of this jurisdiction immediately!
Oh, please,
I've got America on my side,
and America doesn't
give a shit about anything!
The Hague gives a shit.
Ma'am, we are not in America.
We just crawled out of a drain!
- Wait, what?
- We're not in America right now.
For crying out loud.
Okay look, call Leon right now.
Tell him to get his dick
out of whatever homeless woman
froze to death in front of the hotel,
meet us over there
with the speech. Let's go!
Call him!
Hi, I'm Dan Egan,
I used to work at the White House.
You barely worked at the White House.
Oh!
Oh, Ames, I almost offered
to help your career,
then bang you
and tell everybody in the office
you're an unstable slut.
It's a new dress.
Come on, come on.
Dumb child locks.
- Need some help?
- Thank you so much.
How long have you been taking these?
Ever since Jonah whacked me
on the nose at the rally,
but the pain went away in two days.
They gave me 97 pills, though,
so now I've just been taking them
for the going-away of my feelings.
So you're not pregnant.
Oh, no. Jonah and I
don't want any more kids
until I can get my cake pop
business off the ground.
And we can do genetic testing
to make sure they're not born dead.
- Hey, Jonie.
- Yeah?
You know, right now
you have a historic opportunity
to speak to our better natures,
bring the country together.
But to do that, I think
you have to tone down
the angry, incoherent rhetoric a bit.
I have kind of pushed it, haven't I?
A little. A little bit, Jonie.
Okay, Dad. Yeah, I will.
Yeah. Okay.
Hey, Mom, will you
make us some pancakes?
- Ooh! Banana pancakes.
- Yeah, banana pancakes.
Oh, you know, I don't think
I have any eggs.
- Boo! Boo!
- Boo!
Go to the store to make pancakes!
- Pancakes! Pancakes!
- Jonah, I think that...
Oh, my God! Lloyd!
- Dad?
- Oh, my God! Call 911!
- Dad!
- Make sure his nose is wet!
- What?
- Uh, that's for dogs.
Let's go. We gotta move.
We gotta get this thing
and get to the airport.
President Lu!
You're a hard man to get ahold of.
Are we really doing this again?
We all know he speaks English.
I like your hair like that.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Selina Meyer. Why am I
not surprised to see you? Sit, please.
Lookit, Lu, we have always
been able to do business together.
If I'm elected,
the U.S. is gonna import
a shit-ton more
of your tainted baby formula
and defective drywall.
- A little secret.
- What?
Different label, same product.
Islands.
Any islands you want, Lu.
Diaoyu, Spratly, Florida Keys, even.
President Montez has been
a great friend to China.
Our loyalty to her
is unshakable. I'm sorry.
You can have Tibet.
What?
Yeah.
You can have Tibet back.
Are you fucking kidding me?
No. Right after the election,
you can have it back.
I mean, I'll have to condemn
your actions publicly, of course.
Of course.
But then we'll propose
a U.N. resolution,
- you'll veto it...
- I will.
Then, you know, have at it.
Is being president in a democracy
even that great?
- Well, it's barely a democracy, so...
- I agree with that.
Listen, I got a thing to get.
Do we have a deal, or...
- Sure.
- I knew it.
- Yeah. We're good.
- You're a good man.
I like it. You look good in a bow tie.
Everything okay in here?
Oh! You bet.
'Cause you're my lapdog now.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
I thought I would take
just a few moments of your time
to remind you of the plight of
the Azerbaijani minority in Georgia...
I'm here!
Thank you!
I'm here! Thank you!
- What are you doing here?
- Oh, thank you!
It's very perilous for you to be here.
Thank you so much! Thank you!
- I don't think you should...
- Give it.
Thank you so much
for that wonderful introduction.
Thank you.
When the committee called to tell me
I would be receiving
the Nobel Peace Prize,
Summit award...
I considered telling them
I didn't want it.
You see, it's never
been important to me
to be honored publicly.
But I decided to come tonight.
Not for myself,
but for the country of...
Tibet.
Imagine a world
where Tibet were not free.
Imagine that.
And one of the world's
great human treasures,
Tibet's Lamas,
like these right here
sitting in the front row,
looking at me...
would certainly be
imprisoned and tortured
in the most vicious ways imaginable,
possibly even killed.
Oh, God Almighty.
So maybe I should just wrap this up.
Shall we scroll ahead, please?
Could you just... Yes.
Wait. Yes.
Tibet must always be free.
Free today, free tomorrow,
free forever. Oh, God.
Uh, thank you.
Wonderful!
- Photos, please.
- Oh.
Okay.
No one's ever gonna
forget that speech.
You're fired.
All right, let's get out of here.
Take this piece of shit.
Stop. Selina, stop.
You give me no choice...
Ugh. Goodbye, Minna.
Wow. Talk about inhumane droning.
I guess I've got a type.
- Dan?
- Hi.
So nice to see you
on this sad occasion.
So I thought maybe
we could get a drink and...
Sorry. Ames,
this is Layla, my girlfriend.
It just feels so weird saying that
out loud. I can't help it.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Layla's an ob-gyn.
I know what she does.
Oh, God, of course.
You guys have already met.
Classic Egan.
Um, are you okay here?
- Mmm-hmm.
- Yeah? OK.
What's up, man?
So, how was your
follow-up appointment?
Less of a metal tube
up my vag than this.
I'm so sorry, Nancy.
Adult chicken pox can be very serious.
Thank you for coming.
Don't blame yourself, Jonah.
It's not your fault.
Oh, my God!
Can you get her a pill
or something and calm her down?
I don't want diazepam,
I want something good.
Okay.
Jonah, I gotta talk to you about that.
- Okay. Oh, God.
- Jonie, Jonie.
I'm just so sorry.
Oh. Thank you, Uncle Jeff.
I really appreciate that.
Sorry you killed your own father
and I wasn't there to see it!
- Sorry!
- Uncle Jeff.
Could you please stop laughing?
I can't!
I can't believe
you gave him chicken pox.
I always had you pegged
as an AIDS guy.
It's not funny,
but his laughter is infectious.
I can't breathe!
- I can't breathe!
- Mr. Kane,
you're gonna come with me.
Here's my hotel key.
If you got a dick, I'll pay double.
Okay, everybody can come in
and take a seat.
- Hey, babe.
- I love you.
Love you too.
So first off, I guess,
thanks, everybody, for coming.
And, um,
as most of you know,
I didn't get a lot of time with my dad
but I think in the time
that I did have with him
I realized what a stupid loser he was.
He didn't deserve me. Or even my mom.
All he ever did, actually,
was run out on us.
You know, first, all those years ago,
and now by dying.
Oh. Whoa!
And I guess I don't even really
know if I liked him that much,
because he probably would have sucked
like all of my other step-dads.
And I don't care that he's dead,
because I am very strong.
You're so beautiful.
We're having cake pops
at the house later.
Who wants to go dancing?
- I'm leaving. This place sucks.
- My husband's right there.
Richard, that bastard Ballentine,
he caught shingles from Typhoid Jonah.
He went blind with partial paralysis
and has to step down.
Oh, my God, that's awful.
No! That makes me, I mean you,
the Governor of Iowa!
- Congratulations to us both.
- Oh, my God.
So listen, you guys, we have to
start thinking about the convention.
- Oh, yeah. Sure do.
- And possible veep candidates.
There are a lot of people
I want to snub.
- Ma'am.
- Yeah?
Check this out.
Oh, my God! Is that Richard?
Governor Splett.
- No!
- Yeah.
What the hell?
What's going on here?
I thought nobody gave
two Osama bin Shits
about the drone strike.
This is about killing elephants.
Yeah. There's two things Americans
don't like to see get hurt,
animals, and white girls
on spring break.
The story is everywhere.
Peggy Noonan has a column
about Babar and
American exceptionalism.
Oh, she's a dumb cunt.
Is this gonna affect
my numbers, you think?
Yes.
Oh, my God!
He's giving me the finger.
Look. See?
As many of you know,
it has been a difficult week for me,
with the death of my dumb father
and my hot wife going into rehab.
Which, when you think about it,
kind of makes her hotter, you know?
But with the Lord's help,
I got through it.
And when I say Lord,
I mean Jesus Christ Almighty,
not the Jewish one.
Now, there has been a lot of debate
about whether vaccines
do or do not kill people.
And they do, that's just science.
But the other real killer is diseases.
And how do these diseases
get into America?
- How?
- Immigrants.
- Kill them!
- Yeah.
Well, I mean, we don't
have to kill all of them.
There are some
good immigrants. Beyoncé?
Ms. Brookheimer,
do you have anything to eat?
Um, I've got gum and Advil.
He had this carne asada
that I think was a family recipe.
That guy stays.
But we are not going to stop diseases
unless we close our borders!
- Yeah!
- From now on,
no one in, no one out!
Thank you. No one in, no one out!
- What? Who's there?
- Uh, it's Richard.
- Who?
- Oh, governor Richard Splett?
- Oh.
- We, uh, brought you some flowers.
Word is out on you, Splett.
You're living proof
that the worst people
in politics always succeed.
I'll tell you something else, Splett.
Listen carefully.
Someday you'll be
an old man, and you'll...
Governor Splett...
Now that you're a super-delegate,
have you given any thought as to who
you're gonna be
endorsing at the convention?
Isn't there any way
I can endorse all of them?
Okay. All right,
thank you guys so much.
Pull up a chair, Splett.
I've never told anyone this before.
I have a daughter in California.
She doesn't know anything about me.
I've seen photographs on the internet.
Thank you. It's very exciting.
Yes, we're thrilled.
The woman who freed Tibet is finally
getting her Nobel Peace Prize.
Technically, not a Peace Prize, ma'am.
You've won the Summit Peace Award
of the World Summit
of Nobel Peace Laureates.
It's kind of like
the Peace Prize Junior.
The American voters
don't know the difference,
and, frankly, neither do I.
Ma'am, I'm headed back to the hotel
to work on your acceptance speech.
Okay, I don't know what
that's a euphemism for,
but, Leon, you need to
really lay it on thick.
- Okay? Tibet, Tibet, Tibet.
- You bet, you bet, you bet.
I wanna sound like Bono
trying to impress
his own reflection in the mirror.
- I understand.
- Yeah. Good.
Hey. Was that Colonel Al-Saleh,
the Butcher of Juba, back there
by the carving station?
The Nobel people don't ask too
many questions if you buy a table.
Ma'am, at this point, they're just
trying to avoid losing the building.
My Nobel Prize really makes the point
that I've got way more foreign policy
experience than that half-wit Kemi.
I think it's pronounced "half-white."
Well, "tomato, mulatto."
Hey, ma'am, Catherine and Marjorie's
wedding is in three weeks,
and her and her wedding planner...
Okay, can you just say you?
You and Catherine.
We're a little concerned about sitting
you next to Marjorie's shaman.
- Hello!
- Congratulations, Mom.
Thank you very much.
So, I understand we're having
some sort of a seating issue?
Whatever you gals want is fine by me
as long as someone lets me have
mini-vegan pigs in gluten-free
blankets at the reception.
- Oh, God.
- Listen, darling,
why don't you get married
over here in Europe?
Because without
an American marriage license,
U.S. community property laws
do not apply, my darling.
- Marjorie is my soul mate forever.
- That's fine.
I don't know why you
would bring this up...
You and your maid of honor here
can sit me next to
whatever Injun Joe you want.
It's your special day, so...
- Thank you, Mother.
- You're welcome.
- I don't have a drink.
- I'll get it.
Um, when am I getting my meeting with
President Lu about the Montez stuff?
- Oh, I can't hear you.
- Legally not present.
Guys, listen. I just need to get in
a room with Lu, one-on-one,
so I can change his mind
about supporting me for president.
Face-to-face, I can
convince anyone of anything.
- That's not true.
- Incorrect.
You're both wrong.
- Well, you're right.
- Okay?
Ma'am, Lu's people
have been Great-Walling us.
I don't think they're
anxious to meet with you.
That's why I brought along some bait.
- Selina!
- Minna!
Oh, Minna!
Lu developed a real hankering for
Finnish furburger back at Camp David.
He eye-fucked her so bad
he got retinal herpes.
Minna!
- Selina!
- Oh...
- I don't get the attraction.
- Oh, I do.
So, my last three lovers,
they are complaining
that my naughty talk
is both incessant and soporific.
Maybe you should let them choke you.
You think they would rather choke me
than listen to me talk?
I can only speak for myself.
You know, where is Lu?
- Selina Meyer!
- Murman!
Oh, my gosh,
I didn't know you were still alive.
The Russians reinstalled me
when they invaded Georgia.
- Oh, good for you.
- Huh! Factory reboot.
Beep-boop-beep-beep-boop.
A bit of personal news.
I recently bought
an English football club.
- Oh, wonderful!
- Leeds United.
No English players,
so pretty good team.
- Oh.
- Selina, crazy idea I have.
What if I gave you money
to help you win your election?
America does not stand for
foreign interference in our elections!
- Who do you think that I am?
- Yes, of course. Of course.
- I mean, it's an outrage!
- Yeah, yeah. New topic. New topic.
I want to buy your
Palm Beach house for $114 million.
Well, needless to say,
real estate is a different animal.
They're not making
any more of it, right?
Everybody's gotta live somewhere.
I'd rather deal with the Russian mob
than with those real estate people.
Well, it's because they're unethical,
that's what they are.
Because they are working
on commissions.
Yes! 6%.
It's abject greed, in my view.
- And I...
- The $114 million would be wired
from the Seychelles to Malta,
then back to the Seychelles,
and then to you.
I'm very flattered,
Murman, I really am,
but your timing is horrendous.
To live is to suffer, Selina.
The human condition.
- Yes.
- Ha!
- White people problems, right?
- Okay.
Thank you. Thank you, Murman.
You were right, ma'am.
Lu's looking for the tickee
in someone's shirtee.
What's the word, Minna?
President Lu will meet you
in the West Salon in ten minutes.
- He seems quite excited.
- Yeah, we could see that from here.
- Keith.
- Oh, hi.
- Where is Lu?
- You don't get to see Lu.
You need to go through me,
that's how this works.
I know all about Lu's secret plan
to get President Montez
elected for a second term.
So you go, and you tell Lu
that I want to talk
to him directly, right now.
You're going to do
exactly what we say.
- I'm sorry?
- Or else,
we'll tell the whole world
how you vaporized
a DRA leader's wedding
with Hellfire missiles
and also took a huge laser-guided shit
all over Pakistani sovereignty...
Okay, A, that never happened.
And B, that footage
is highly classified.
It was classified,
until somebody on your staff
clicked on
"Asian Girls Bound and Gagged."
Oh, Ben.
Or Kent.
Or Leon. Oh, God.
Or Marjorie. I mean...
Jonah, your anti-vaccination message
is bringing together an unheard-of mix
of Orthodox Jews,
uneducated fringe conspiracists,
and Kombucha-douching
private school moms.
That's the real America.
So, we've got three more stops
this afternoon.
Oh, look. If we go to Kentucky,
it's gonna look like a wang.
The Great Lakes
will be like the spooey.
Jonah, it's your dad again.
It's like the tenth time today.
Hey, Siri, you fuck my dad?
I don't know
how to respond to that.
- Typical woman.
- I know.
- That's mine.
- Clay, come on. Let's go.
All right. How you doing, Harrisburg!
Yeah!
Pennsylvania, you have
the second-lowest
vaccination rate in the nation,
and when I am elected president,
you will be number one!
- Thank you, Pennsylvania!
- Oh!
Thank you! All right! Yeah!
Oh!
Oh, look at this baby. Aw.
The menu has been an atrocity.
The guests are vegan,
and the president won't eat
anything without a face.
Selina.
I saw President Lu leaving.
Is everything all right?
Yeah, everything's
completely fine, Minna.
No. I can see the concern
in your eyes,
even through all the procedures.
What is it? Is it about the wedding?
He told you?
He would not stop talking about it.
He used the phrase
"complete atrocity."
Complete atrocity?
Minna, listen.
So I droned a couple wedding civilians
on the wrong side
of the Af-Pak border.
I thought you were talking
about your daughter's wedding
to your homosexual doppelganger.
Yes. I was.
Um...
"Droned a wedding"
is, uh, American slang for
- "I got it, I nailed it."
- Yeah, I do not think...
No, no, no. Really.
Like, "I droned that wedding, man!"
I do not think that
it is slang of any kind.
Oh, I guarantee you it is.
Ask anyone here...
Mike, we have made
a lot of mistakes here at CBS News.
I know, right?
But I think you could be a big part
of turning that around.
- Mmm-hmm.
- Okay. As a special correspondent,
you will be everywhere
that there's news.
And I don't think it hurts
that you will be our
youngest correspondent, by a lot.
Thank you, sir.
- So we bought the McLinTALK name...
- Uh-huh.
...but we did not get all
the intellectual property
from the old show. So...
- I have intellectual property?
- Oh, yeah!
The classic McLinTALK bits.
I mean, uh, when your phone rings
in the middle of an interview...
- Oh. Oh. Yeah, yeah.
- And the horrible wife?
- She's horrible!
- A lot of that stuff,
uh, I didn't know I was doing
until people pointed it out.
See? Keep that sense of humor.
Okay.
Because pretty much everything else
is gonna change.
Selina, you have put me
in a terrible situation.
You have just admitted
to being a war criminal.
Do they give Nobel Peace Prizes
to war criminals, Minna?
All the time. Aung San Suu Kyi,
Henry Kissinger,
and also, the prize
that you're getting,
it is not the Peace Prize.
- Oh, don't start with that!
- It is a second-tier Peace Prize.
- No.
- It is made of very hard plastic.
You have left me with no choice.
I must report you.
Okay. Well, then
you've left me with no choice.
Ha!
That was your phone.
I called Interpol
before we got in the car.
Come on, wait up.
Hey, hey... Minna.
Just a second! Sweet Viking Christ!
Come on!
Just call Interpol back,
tell them that you made a mistake.
I am sorry, Selina.
I have a commitment to
the principles of truth and justice.
As the former president
of the United States,
truth and justice can gargle my balls.
- Move the fuck out of my way.
- Ma'am, the ICC
has issued a warrant
for your arrest for war crimes.
Yeah. That's because
Autistic Barbie here
tattled on me over
the wedding drone strike.
- Which one?
- Nope. The DRA guy.
- Which was the only one.
- Correct!
Secret Service says
the Norwegian police
are all over the airport
and the hotel.
- Seriously?
- You will be extradited to the Hague
and imprisoned under Article VIII
of the Rome Statute.
Selina, if you request it,
I can offer you asylum.
You can stay here at the embassy!
I'd just as soon stay
at an Embassy Suites.
Ma'am, it's your only shot.
- Yeah.
- Really?
Fine.
I'll stay here.
Good. Now you must
formally request asylum.
Yeah, I'm just gonna go.
They can shoot me
as I make a run for it.
Fine. On behalf of the
Finnish Ambassador to Norway,
I grant you asylum.
She prefers the word "spa."
Welcome to your new office,
Lieutenant Governor Splett.
Here we go.
Wait. What? No. This is where
you stick an unfuckable intern.
Oh, no, no, no.
When I was a summer intern
for Lieutenant Governor Plasko
back in seventh grade,
I was in a much bigger office.
We gotta get the morbidly obese
fuck out of Iowa.
I mean, last night I tried to find
one non-chain restaurant to eat at,
and Yelp basically told me
to go Fuddrucker myself.
- Sounds like a settings issue.
- Okay. No.
Listen, we gotta get you
national, Richard. Okay?
So that's why I've already
booked you on McLinTALK.
And I canceled it.
Oh! Governor Ballentine!
You think you're hot shit, Splett?
First human mayor of Lurlene,
straight to lieutenant governor
in just a few months.
- Thank you.
- Well, now you're an ice-cold dog turd
because you're not getting my job.
Governor, we have
the utmost respect...
Save it, Manhattan Date Rape Mystery.
Splett, I'm gonna bury you so deep
in bullshit make-work
people are gonna forget
Iowa even has a lieutenant governor.
That shouldn't be too hard.
This is Michael McLintock...
and it's time to McLintalk
with Michael McLintock
on CBS International...
Yes, I'm still holding
for Secretary Doyle.
- Mike looks good.
- Mmm, so much better.
What's he doing? How long does
it take to change an adult diaper?
The Norwegian National Police
have surrounded
the Finnish Embassy in Oslo, Norway...
Oh, my God in heaven.
Selina, do you hate me?
Minna, I'm on the phone.
Ma'am, the White House refuses
to get involved in your situation.
- What?
- Although publicly,
Montez claims to be
considering all options.
Privately, I heard she's been
doing impressions of you
getting broom-sticked in prison.
Are people actually laughing
at that impression?
- No.
- Yes.
Is this really just about
me reporting you to the ICC?
Yeah. How long
am I supposed to be here?
I could be dead
before you ever get outta here.
Well, no offense, Ben, but honestly,
that could be, like, tonight.
- God willing.
- I forgave you
for not voting for me
to be the head of the IMF.
Minna, you don't go to prison
when you're not the head of the IMF.
Just the prison of unmet potential.
Ooh! Go sit in the corner, Minna! Go!
- Here comes the shoes!
- Sit here.
Guys, how is this affecting
my chances at the nomination?
You need to get in touch with
the American Ambassador to Norway.
Norway. Ambassador Costas
was Montez's husband's chiropractor.
Yeah, he does most of his
ambassador-ing in Orlando.
- Okay.
- Okay, that's everything.
I have no space in this room!
- I'll take it out.
- I cannot move!
It's easy. We'll get it out.
Selina, can I ask just one teeny,
tiny, very small question?
Yeah.
- Minna.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
From the bottom of my heart,
I truly and completely forgive you.
Now shut the living fuck up.
I am just sorry that
I cannot forgive you
for killing all those innocent people.
Get out.
- We are sharing a room.
- No, we're not.
Yeah.
Streptococksucker.
Do you have the chicken pox?
Clay gave them to me, yell at him.
- No, I didn't.
- Clay!
Oh, sweet pestilent Christ.
You need to see this.
...Disease Control is reporting
a large chicken pox outbreak
in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.
Oh, wow.
We got out of there just in time.
That is the eighth chicken pox
outbreak in the last week,
all in communities
with low vaccination rates
but no other apparent connection.
Oh, my God, you Patient IQ Zero!
You infected all those nutballs
who don't believe in vaccinations!
Well, serves them right.
Didn't you have
chicken pox as a child?
Were you too busy bed-wetting
and cutting fuck-holes in watermelons?
Ugh, Amy, that only works
with fleshy melons.
- Duh.
- Yeah. And sometimes pumpkins.
- Daddy!
- Hi, Bethy.
I'm really sorry I just showed up.
Oh, no, no, no!
I really wanna have a chance
to talk with you, Jonah.
Can't you see I feel
yucky enough already?
Jonah, I know that
you're angry with me.
I hate you so much I could walk into
a supermarket and shoot everybody.
It's all right to feel that way.
I just want you to know
that I love you.
And I hope someday
you'll give me another chance.
Okay.
Um, I beg your pardon?
Okay, you can be my dad.
I can be what?
You can be my dad if you want.
Oh, come here!
Oh, I love you, Jonah.
I love you too, Daddy. No homo.
Sure. No homo.
As we Finns say, the morning
is wiser than the evening.
Are you feeling wiser
this morning, Selina?
- Get off.
- No? I see that we are still choosing
not to make the best of the situation.
I can't.
Who ate my yogurt?
Alleged war criminal.
Selina, I think it would be best
for everyone if you can learn
to follow just a few simple
embassy staff rules.
- What?
- Number one,
you write your name
on your food in the refrigerator.
- Oh, my God.
- You see here, I've written "Minna,"
and I have written it
with a permanent marker.
Number two,
if you use a bowl or a spoon
or a plate or a cup or a jug,
afterwards, you would
wash in the sink.
Yeah?
Selina, if you go to prison,
you will not have your Gary
to clean up after you.
- Okay, look...
- No, I'll be there.
Ma'am, you gotta see
what's on TV. Come on.
Maybe it's time for me
to just turn myself in, Ben.
What is it? What's going on?
...Americans have come out in force
to show their support
for the former,
and possibly future, president,
Selina Meyer.
- Oh!
- Footage rolls.
Free Selina now!
What?
It turns out Americans
don't give a flying fatwa
if you drone a bunch of Muslims!
Your favorables have
never been higher, ma'am.
For polling purposes,
you're practically
a generic white male.
This is incredible!
I feel like the Grim Reaper
just dropped his scythe
and started eating me out!
Mom.
Ma'am, Catherine just had
the most romantic idea.
- Oh, good.
- Getting married here in Europe.
What?
Oh, Catherine!
What a wonderful idea.
Thank you, Mother.
- Gary.
- Yeah?
Can you put something together
here, at the embassy?
I found the perfect dress
at the Oslo Medieval Festival.
- Oh, I doubt it.
- Good. Okay.
Ma'am, we got bigger reindeer
to fuck here.
Guys, listen to me.
A wedding got me into this hot mess,
a wedding's gonna get me out of it.
A Potemkin wedding,
if I may coin a phrase.
Please don't.
Okay. Look, we need a plane
to get us home, correct?
...Selina Meyer live via phone.
Hello, President Meyer.
Hi, Mike.
You know, I just want
to thank the American people.
I mean, obviously,
while it is regrettable,
the loss of innocent lives,
you know, I will never, ever apologize
for keeping Americans safe.
Uh, Ma'am, we have
the drone footage here.
Would you take our viewers through it?
Guest speaks as footage two rolls.
Yes. Well, this is the compound
belonging to Hamza Al Bashir.
Now, hold on. What is that
right on over there, ma'am?
Is that an elephant or something?
Yes. Yeah, I believe it is.
Apparently, Al Bashir
had some sort of a private zoo,
and that's actually how
we were able to locate him.
And boom!
Wop! There goes the elephant.
- Ma'am?
- Yeah.
I think I may have found us a plane.
Governor, it's so nice of you
to come with us to comfort Jonah.
Jonah Ryan has as much chance
of becoming president
as a stack of retarded raccoons
in a trench coat,
but if anyone's crawling out
of our cesspool of a state
to become his Ag Sec,
it's gonna be this pigfucker.
Yeah. I didn't realize
that was a job requirement.
Oh, my God.
What do you think?
Beige or Tuscan beige?
Tough call.
They are the same.
And how is the blushing bride?
Mother, come on. Really?
- Cath, this is the best I could do.
- Gorgeous.
- You always do this.
- I do what?
- Do you remember my 13th birthday?
- No, I certainly don't.
Do you remember
my 16th birthday, then?
- Do you remember that?
- No, darling.
We gonna go through all the birthdays?
I don't remember any of them.
Do you remember my high school
graduation, or my college graduation?
Or any time I brought home a boyfriend
for you to meet
before I had girlfriends?
I didn't know the theme of the wedding
was Edward Scissor Sisters.
- I mean, seriously.
- I'm gonna pause.
Those sandwiches aren't
gonna finger themselves.
- I'll be right back.
- Catherine, I do not
want to fight with you, my darling.
- I...
- No, honey, listen to me.
I am so very proud of you
and your decision to get married here.
- Thank you, Mom.
- Mmm-hmm.
And you look amazing.
And I'm amazed by your look.
Um, I'm just gonna freshen up.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Okay, we're all good.
- Where's your mother?
- She went to the bathroom.
- That's not the bathroom.
- What?
If I could just have
a moment of your time, Congressman.
Will you move?
You're blocking the TV.
Sorry. Yeah. I think
in a Ryan administration
I could really make
a difference at agriculture.
Yeah. Whatever. There isn't gonna
be a Department of Agriculture.
- I'm getting rid of it.
- What?
Richard, who is this guy?
I'm the fucking governor
of Iowa, you nitwit!
And you just cost yourself
a spot in my administration!
- I'll call you a cab, Governor.
- Jonah, your dad's here!
Oh, hey, Dad!
Look who's ready for
a chicken pox party!
- What, I gave my dad chicken pox?
- Second time!
Now I can really see
the family resemblance.
Two generations of scabs, yo!
Fuck me with a side of ranch.
See ya back at the office, Governor.
Catherine. What has
your mother done now?
She used our wedding as a diversion
to escape from
the Norwegian National Police!
Smart.
Kitty Cat. It's all right.
We'll just get married
back in the States.
No. We are gonna
get married right now,
in Europe, because it's romantic.
Do you wanna maybe
clean up first?
No. I feel fucking pretty.
Uh...
I'm sorry. Who taught you
to do a smoky eye?
Joint Special Operations
Command. JSOC.
Ah.
It's not bad.
You know, these tunnels
date back to World War II.
- Really?
- Brave local citizens
banded together
in secret to assist the Nazis.
I think we should be underneath
the security perimeter by now.
- How can you tell?
- Ben. Over here.
- What's that?
- Ben.
Oh!
Murman!
Selina.
I am so happy to see you!
You have no idea!
- I have helped many tunnel escapes.
- Oh.
- Funny story.
- Oh, here we go.
Once, I told my enemy
it was tunnel escape,
- but in fact, I just buried him alive.
- Uh-huh.
Murman.
Actually, it was her,
but story is funnier with a man, huh?
In these MeToo days, you know?
Actually, I think
it could work with a woman.
Either way, it's a very good story.
Beginning, middle and end.
Plus a lesson.
Oh, but I would never, ever buried
alive my dear old friend Selina.
Oh. Chivalry is not dead, Murman.
No, no, no. Her name was Svetlana,
and she's definitely dead.
Yeah, I think the story
does work better with a man.
That was my first instinct.
Well, there you go.
Now, my car will take you
to the airport.
- Okay.
- And the airplane is waiting
to run out of gas
and drop you into the North Sea.
What?
Just kidding.
- You are bad.
- You believed me!
You got us.
I want to make one quick stop
on the way to the airport.
- What?
- Yeah, I wanna just pop in
and grab my Nobel Peace Prize.
Ma'am, that's the Nobel Prize
of bad ideas!
- No, that's economics, okay?
- We need to be out
of this jurisdiction immediately!
Oh, please,
I've got America on my side,
and America doesn't
give a shit about anything!
The Hague gives a shit.
Ma'am, we are not in America.
We just crawled out of a drain!
- Wait, what?
- We're not in America right now.
For crying out loud.
Okay look, call Leon right now.
Tell him to get his dick
out of whatever homeless woman
froze to death in front of the hotel,
meet us over there
with the speech. Let's go!
Call him!
Hi, I'm Dan Egan,
I used to work at the White House.
You barely worked at the White House.
Oh!
Oh, Ames, I almost offered
to help your career,
then bang you
and tell everybody in the office
you're an unstable slut.
It's a new dress.
Come on, come on.
Dumb child locks.
- Need some help?
- Thank you so much.
How long have you been taking these?
Ever since Jonah whacked me
on the nose at the rally,
but the pain went away in two days.
They gave me 97 pills, though,
so now I've just been taking them
for the going-away of my feelings.
So you're not pregnant.
Oh, no. Jonah and I
don't want any more kids
until I can get my cake pop
business off the ground.
And we can do genetic testing
to make sure they're not born dead.
- Hey, Jonie.
- Yeah?
You know, right now
you have a historic opportunity
to speak to our better natures,
bring the country together.
But to do that, I think
you have to tone down
the angry, incoherent rhetoric a bit.
I have kind of pushed it, haven't I?
A little. A little bit, Jonie.
Okay, Dad. Yeah, I will.
Yeah. Okay.
Hey, Mom, will you
make us some pancakes?
- Ooh! Banana pancakes.
- Yeah, banana pancakes.
Oh, you know, I don't think
I have any eggs.
- Boo! Boo!
- Boo!
Go to the store to make pancakes!
- Pancakes! Pancakes!
- Jonah, I think that...
Oh, my God! Lloyd!
- Dad?
- Oh, my God! Call 911!
- Dad!
- Make sure his nose is wet!
- What?
- Uh, that's for dogs.
Let's go. We gotta move.
We gotta get this thing
and get to the airport.
President Lu!
You're a hard man to get ahold of.
Are we really doing this again?
We all know he speaks English.
I like your hair like that.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Selina Meyer. Why am I
not surprised to see you? Sit, please.
Lookit, Lu, we have always
been able to do business together.
If I'm elected,
the U.S. is gonna import
a shit-ton more
of your tainted baby formula
and defective drywall.
- A little secret.
- What?
Different label, same product.
Islands.
Any islands you want, Lu.
Diaoyu, Spratly, Florida Keys, even.
President Montez has been
a great friend to China.
Our loyalty to her
is unshakable. I'm sorry.
You can have Tibet.
What?
Yeah.
You can have Tibet back.
Are you fucking kidding me?
No. Right after the election,
you can have it back.
I mean, I'll have to condemn
your actions publicly, of course.
Of course.
But then we'll propose
a U.N. resolution,
- you'll veto it...
- I will.
Then, you know, have at it.
Is being president in a democracy
even that great?
- Well, it's barely a democracy, so...
- I agree with that.
Listen, I got a thing to get.
Do we have a deal, or...
- Sure.
- I knew it.
- Yeah. We're good.
- You're a good man.
I like it. You look good in a bow tie.
Everything okay in here?
Oh! You bet.
'Cause you're my lapdog now.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
I thought I would take
just a few moments of your time
to remind you of the plight of
the Azerbaijani minority in Georgia...
I'm here!
Thank you!
I'm here! Thank you!
- What are you doing here?
- Oh, thank you!
It's very perilous for you to be here.
Thank you so much! Thank you!
- I don't think you should...
- Give it.
Thank you so much
for that wonderful introduction.
Thank you.
When the committee called to tell me
I would be receiving
the Nobel Peace Prize,
Summit award...
I considered telling them
I didn't want it.
You see, it's never
been important to me
to be honored publicly.
But I decided to come tonight.
Not for myself,
but for the country of...
Tibet.
Imagine a world
where Tibet were not free.
Imagine that.
And one of the world's
great human treasures,
Tibet's Lamas,
like these right here
sitting in the front row,
looking at me...
would certainly be
imprisoned and tortured
in the most vicious ways imaginable,
possibly even killed.
Oh, God Almighty.
So maybe I should just wrap this up.
Shall we scroll ahead, please?
Could you just... Yes.
Wait. Yes.
Tibet must always be free.
Free today, free tomorrow,
free forever. Oh, God.
Uh, thank you.
Wonderful!
- Photos, please.
- Oh.
Okay.
No one's ever gonna
forget that speech.
You're fired.
All right, let's get out of here.
Take this piece of shit.
Stop. Selina, stop.
You give me no choice...
Ugh. Goodbye, Minna.
Wow. Talk about inhumane droning.
I guess I've got a type.
- Dan?
- Hi.
So nice to see you
on this sad occasion.
So I thought maybe
we could get a drink and...
Sorry. Ames,
this is Layla, my girlfriend.
It just feels so weird saying that
out loud. I can't help it.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Layla's an ob-gyn.
I know what she does.
Oh, God, of course.
You guys have already met.
Classic Egan.
Um, are you okay here?
- Mmm-hmm.
- Yeah? OK.
What's up, man?
So, how was your
follow-up appointment?
Less of a metal tube
up my vag than this.
I'm so sorry, Nancy.
Adult chicken pox can be very serious.
Thank you for coming.
Don't blame yourself, Jonah.
It's not your fault.
Oh, my God!
Can you get her a pill
or something and calm her down?
I don't want diazepam,
I want something good.
Okay.
Jonah, I gotta talk to you about that.
- Okay. Oh, God.
- Jonie, Jonie.
I'm just so sorry.
Oh. Thank you, Uncle Jeff.
I really appreciate that.
Sorry you killed your own father
and I wasn't there to see it!
- Sorry!
- Uncle Jeff.
Could you please stop laughing?
I can't!
I can't believe
you gave him chicken pox.
I always had you pegged
as an AIDS guy.
It's not funny,
but his laughter is infectious.
I can't breathe!
- I can't breathe!
- Mr. Kane,
you're gonna come with me.
Here's my hotel key.
If you got a dick, I'll pay double.
Okay, everybody can come in
and take a seat.
- Hey, babe.
- I love you.
Love you too.
So first off, I guess,
thanks, everybody, for coming.
And, um,
as most of you know,
I didn't get a lot of time with my dad
but I think in the time
that I did have with him
I realized what a stupid loser he was.
He didn't deserve me. Or even my mom.
All he ever did, actually,
was run out on us.
You know, first, all those years ago,
and now by dying.
Oh. Whoa!
And I guess I don't even really
know if I liked him that much,
because he probably would have sucked
like all of my other step-dads.
And I don't care that he's dead,
because I am very strong.
You're so beautiful.
We're having cake pops
at the house later.
Who wants to go dancing?
- I'm leaving. This place sucks.
- My husband's right there.
Richard, that bastard Ballentine,
he caught shingles from Typhoid Jonah.
He went blind with partial paralysis
and has to step down.
Oh, my God, that's awful.
No! That makes me, I mean you,
the Governor of Iowa!
- Congratulations to us both.
- Oh, my God.
So listen, you guys, we have to
start thinking about the convention.
- Oh, yeah. Sure do.
- And possible veep candidates.
There are a lot of people
I want to snub.
- Ma'am.
- Yeah?
Check this out.
Oh, my God! Is that Richard?
Governor Splett.
- No!
- Yeah.
What the hell?
What's going on here?
I thought nobody gave
two Osama bin Shits
about the drone strike.
This is about killing elephants.
Yeah. There's two things Americans
don't like to see get hurt,
animals, and white girls
on spring break.
The story is everywhere.
Peggy Noonan has a column
about Babar and
American exceptionalism.
Oh, she's a dumb cunt.
Is this gonna affect
my numbers, you think?
Yes.
Oh, my God!
He's giving me the finger.
Look. See?
As many of you know,
it has been a difficult week for me,
with the death of my dumb father
and my hot wife going into rehab.
Which, when you think about it,
kind of makes her hotter, you know?
But with the Lord's help,
I got through it.
And when I say Lord,
I mean Jesus Christ Almighty,
not the Jewish one.
Now, there has been a lot of debate
about whether vaccines
do or do not kill people.
And they do, that's just science.
But the other real killer is diseases.
And how do these diseases
get into America?
- How?
- Immigrants.
- Kill them!
- Yeah.
Well, I mean, we don't
have to kill all of them.
There are some
good immigrants. Beyoncé?
Ms. Brookheimer,
do you have anything to eat?
Um, I've got gum and Advil.
He had this carne asada
that I think was a family recipe.
That guy stays.
But we are not going to stop diseases
unless we close our borders!
- Yeah!
- From now on,
no one in, no one out!
Thank you. No one in, no one out!
- What? Who's there?
- Uh, it's Richard.
- Who?
- Oh, governor Richard Splett?
- Oh.
- We, uh, brought you some flowers.
Word is out on you, Splett.
You're living proof
that the worst people
in politics always succeed.
I'll tell you something else, Splett.
Listen carefully.
Someday you'll be
an old man, and you'll...
Governor Splett...
Now that you're a super-delegate,
have you given any thought as to who
you're gonna be
endorsing at the convention?
Isn't there any way
I can endorse all of them?
Okay. All right,
thank you guys so much.
Pull up a chair, Splett.
I've never told anyone this before.
I have a daughter in California.
She doesn't know anything about me.
I've seen photographs on the internet.