Veep (2012–…): Season 7, Episode 1 - Iowa - full transcript

The United States of America

has a new president...
Laura Montez.

I hate this country.

We've gotten so close.
It was devastating.

But I did reacquaint myself
with an old friend of mine

by the name of Selina Meyer.

And I like her.

- You look absolutely radiant!
- Oh, thank you.

Yes, your stay
in the insane asylum?

- It's really agreed with you.
- Oh, it was a spa.

This is the second act.

Selina Meyer travels the globe,

spreading democracy
like patient zero.

you can't run for president.

Uh, you don't have
the party support. It's over.

Well, I was speaking

I want a library.

I'm the only living president
who doesn't have one.

Nobody gives me any respect.

How about that?

No justice, no library!

Who despises me like this?!

Well, there's President Montez,
Tom James...

The White House maids,
the stewards.

White working-class voters.

Jonah, my boy,
I've come to say farewell.

- I'm pulling all my financial support.
- Ow!

Let's send them a message,

by shoving the guy
that they hate the most

right back in their faces.
Thank you!

- Advance copies!
- Really?

My book, my book, my book!

- Woman First, First Woman.
- Yeah!

You'd get murdered in my country
for saying something like that.

Remember a couple months ago
after you got fired,

- we had drinks with Ben?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, well, I'm pregnant.
And it's yours.

Marjorie and I
are having a baby.

I can't believe
I'm gonna be a father.

Lotta responsibility.

You just signed away
all responsibility.

Say hello to little Richard.

It was President Selina Meyer
who negotiated to free Tibet.

- They finally know it's me!
- Oh, my gosh!

I've been rethinking things.

And there are some new options
for me.

The options would be easier
without any baggage.

I'm running for president!

The band is getting back
together again!

I do need to talk to you
about your role.

- To Team Meyer.
- Team Meyer!

Well, second time's the charm.

Uh, it's actually the fourth.

- Yeah, fourth time's the charm.
- Yeah, it's fourth.

It's just incredible.

"New Selina."

- "Now."
- Oh, it's perfect!

I don't really get it, actually.

Ma'am, we're so far ahead
in the polls

and you're not even running yet.

SHEILA couldn't agree more.

Hey, Kent's dating again.

No, SHEILA is my
predictive computer model

- for election results.
- No. No.

Strategic Hypermetric
Electoral Interactive

Logistical Algorithm.

I don't want nuts.

I like her more
than I like the deaf girl.

- Whatever happened to her?
- The police have no leads.

- Here you go, ma'am.
- I still need my speech.

- It's printing, ma'am.
- Amy, are you there?

We're all ready for you, ma'am.

Hey! Sweatpants!
You can't just walk out.

This isn't a Terrence Malick movie.

Al right, quiet, everyone.
Mommy's reading.

OK, the network's
been properly fluffed.

Told 'em to expect
a surprise announcement

without telling 'em that
she's surprise-announcing.

Maybe after the announcement
we can finally sit down.

There's still
a lot to talk about.

We talk plenty, Amy.

No, not you, ma'am.

I was talking about the...

What? Jesus, I thought you sent that thing
to the 7-Eleven dumpster in the sky already.

It's just we've been so busy with
the campaign. I don't wanna...

Waitin' for the thing to get into
fucking college?! What are you doing?!

OK, Leon, I'm still...
I'm not sure about this part

where I say I wanna be president
for all Americans.

I mean, do I? Ya know?
All of them?

- How about "real Americans"?
- Oh, yeah, that's good.

And then we can figure out
what I mean later.


Ma'am, I don't have
a copy of the speech.

OK, I don't know what she's
saying, so... here.

Ma'am, the voters
need to know clearly

and definitively why you
want to be president.

- In your own words.
- If you want me to use my own goddamn words,

- then write me something to say. OK?
- Yes, ma'am.

Oh, and take out the stuff
about immigration

'cause I feel like
it's a little too issue-y.


Hello, Iowa!

- I'm...
- Selina Meyer.

- Wait a minute. Where is everyone?
- Maybe they're hiding.


Amy? Where are you?

At the airport.
Where are you?

There's only one fuckin' runway!

I'm at the airport!
We just landed!

- That's not possible.
- Right now I'm standing here,

with my dick in my hand,

in Cedar... Falls, Iowa!

- Ma'am, we're in Cedar Rapids.
- No!

- This is supposed to be New Selina!
- Now!

If Mohamad Atta

had you people
booking his travel,

he'd still be alive today.

Which from his perspective,

would be a massive fuck-up.

Yeah, it didn't go very well.

- Ya think?
- Ma'am, FYI,

we're tracking a school shooting

in Spokane, Washington.

- Muslim or white guy?
- Don't know yet.

- Which is better for me?
- White guy.

Fingers crossed.

OK, guys, what happened
at the airport today

can never, ever happen again.

And so, as such,
I have had A... OK.

I have had Amy prepare

a full autopsy
of the last campaign

to specifically identify

problem areas
within the organization.

- OK? So, Amy?
- Thank you, ma'am.

I have put together
a summary list

of what I discovered
were the most egregious

- flaws in our organization.
- I said this already. This is what I just said.

- Yeah.
- Great.

First and foremost, there was a
reluctance on the part of the candidate

to take responsibility
for mistakes.

What? No, you were the one
that made mistakes.

What else? Go on.

Second, there was
a culture of blame

which made people feel unsafe
expressing criticisms.

What dumb asshole said that?

Number three, an unwillingness
to actually discuss strategies

and share ideas
with campaign staff.

- Four...
- Autopsy is now over.

Forget about it.
Oh, my G...

How many pages is this, 500?

How about I write 500 pages

about how you need
to start wearing concealer?

Ames, can I get a copy of that?

Guys, this is not going to be
a repeat of my last campaign.

- I am New Selina. Exactly.
- Now.

So I'm gonna shake things up.
I'm gonna hire Keith Quinn.

He's already doing oppo
for Kapoor's people.

Then offer him campaign manager.

I thought I was
your campaign manager.

I thought I was going
to Cedar Falls.

- Cedar Rapids.
- Ma'am, we have

another candidate
announcing for president.

I'm gonna go out on a limb
and say white guy.

I was reminded of another innovator
by the name of Jesus Christ.

Thank you.

Two wheelchair guys behind him?

What, we didn't get the point
with the first one?

- I got it.
- One wheelchair guy, good for you,

two wheelchair guys,
shame on me.

OK, Keith fucking Quinn?
Are you kiddin' me?

I heard the last campaign that guy
joined, he had the entire staff fired.

I knew she'd cut my balls off,

I just thought it would be
after we lost Iowa.

Well, campaign's
ahead of schedule.

Ma'am, the Meyer Fund
is now completely wrapped up,

but there were some
accounting issues

that didn't resolve cleanly.

But that's Andrew's department,
so just give him a call.

His cell phone number now seems to
belong to a Portuguese gentleman.

Ma'am, your non-announcement
this morning

has given us an excellent
opportunity to fix your speech.

- Why do you want to be president?
- Leon, I've got this.

It's all in my head,
so just don't worry about it.


Why would you want
to be president?

- As the child of a Native American...
- OK, I get the gist.

Is Little Richard ready to go
and meet some voters?

Mom, you can't keep using
our baby as a campaign prop.

It's just a few more months
in Iowa,

and then we're gonna hide him
when we get to New Hampshire.

No, no crying.

Mom, you cannot
tell the baby "N-O."

"N-O" is a negative rejoinder.

We don't want to constrain
Little Richard developmentally...

What are you supposed to say then when the
baby is being an asshole? For instance.

You're supposed to say,
"That's not our plan."

I don't even
know where to start.

Child Services is a good place.

Here. Take... Go back to
Mommy #1 or 2 or whatever.

Catherine is Mama,
and I'm Mom-Mom.

You didn't want to go with
Mommy and Agent Palmiotti?



I'm sorry about that,
Gam-Gam, ma'am.

Catherine's been suffering
from postpartum depression.

- How can you tell?
- Well, the haircut.

It's been tough on both of us.

Particularly on our sex life.

- I've got to get out of here.
- We still enjoy sex in the mornings,

but in the evenings, hardly ever.
And rarely penetrative.

- Oh, Amy?
- Amy.

- Amy.
- Mm-hmm?

I, uh, just had to get away from

"Blue is the Most
Annoying Color."

CNN has the current
Spokane death toll at six.

Leon! OK,
I need a statement. Spokane.

- Standard thoughts and prayers?
- Bull's-eye.

- Ma'am, the speech?
- I know.

Any, why would you
want to be president?

- So I can nuke America.
- Mm.

- That's actually not bad.
- Pretty good, actually.

I love you, New Hampshire!

And that's why
I'm skipping the Iowa caucus.

Because I want you,
my home state,

to pick the next president,

and not because
my polls are low there.

And just wait until you see
how we juice the economy

with my new seven-eight-nine
tax plan.

No, it's nine-eight-seven
tax plan.

It's nine percent sales tax...

The candidate thinks it's funnier that way.
Wait for it.

Why was six afraid of seven?


Because of my seven-eight-nine
tax plan.

You know what I always thought
the funniest number was?


Did you guys know
that I got married?

Who wants to meet my brand-new

smokin' hot wife, Beth?

Beth, come on out here.

This is my wife.
And my stepson, Clay.

Clay, come on up here.

- Go ahead, say something.
- No, thank you.

Yeah, no, you have to.
They'd love it.

You have to.

- Look at how hot she is!
- Jonie!

- Yeah, I get sprung.
- Oh, gosh!

Thank you all so much.

My Jonie, he just
swept me off my feet.

And I know that
when he's elected president,

he's gonna sweep all of the dirt
out of Washington, so...

we're just gonna need
to find a broom

that's tall enough for him.

- Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
- I just want to make it clear

- that she does do all the housework.
- I do.

Thank you, New Hampshire,
thank you for coming.

Thank you!

The wife is really helpful.

She humanizes him,
if that were possible.

Like sunglasses on a dog.

His favorabilities are up 11%.


That bump could carry us
right to Super Tuesday.

- Uh-oh.
- Stay away from us.

You're lucky my wife is here,

or I'd give you
a berserker beat-down

and I would wipe my ass
with that dumb-looking cardigan.

It's a sweater-vest.

What the hell was that?

I thought you'd
gotten a handle on

the screaming-at-
random-seniors thing.

What, my ex-stepdad?
That guy's such a douche nark.

That's your stepfather?

Yeah, he thinks he can just
come down here

and bask in my meteoric success
just because he's my wife's dad?

Wait, I'm s...
He's your wife's... dad.

You said he was your stepdad.

Yeah, Beth's my stepsister.

Did you guys not know that?

- Oh, no.
- Oh. Oh. Oh.

- Oh, no, no.
- No.

Yeah, her dad married my mom

for like a year when I was 11.

You're killing me, sir.

Look, the point is, he's a dick.

He gave me a "D" in math

because I have dyslexia,
but for numbers.

And he forced us to go on
all these family vacations

to stupid Hawaii.

- Which island?
- The big one.

Did you do no oppo research

on our own candidate?
How did this not come up?!

The same reason
it didn't come up

that he moisturizes
with Minotaur semen!

It's not one of the standard
questions that you ask!

I don't know what
the big deal is here.

It's not like
Beth and I did anything,

unless you count her walking in while
I was whackin' off all the time.

I wish I was still in prison.

Are you kidding me?

You 80-story sky raper!

Excuse me, Teddy.

May I speak to you over here
for a moment?

Now? Thank you.

Teddy, we talked about this.

- I'm sorry, sir.
- The only reason you were hired

is because Mr. Tanz told me you
were the best, and because...?

Because of my court-ordered
chemical castration.

That's right.

This doin' anything for you?

Huh, right there?
You like that?

Not even a little tickle?
Not even a little move?

- Jonie, you ready to head home?
- Jesus, Beth, I'm working!

Someone gets so cranky
when he doesn't eat.

You're cranky.

- I have Goldfish.
- Thank you.

- I have string cheese too...
- I want Goldfish.

- Can I have some?
- No. Get your own.

Well, it is such an honor
to be here in...

- Lurlene.
- Lurlene,

and to shake hands with...

- with Mayor, um... Biscuit.
- Biscuit.

Gosh. I didn't have my breakfast
this morning,

I will admit, so that
makes me quite hungry.

And I'll tell ya something,
um, it's not the...

no, I don't want this...
the first time in politics

that I've had to shake hands
with a complete dog.

Madam President,
how do you respond to people

sick and tired of politicians
offering nothing

but "thoughts and prayers"
when it comes to mass shootings?

Um, well, uh...

my heart goes out to
the families of the victims,

and I want to offer them
my, uh...

um, mindfulness...

and, uh, meditations

un-unto the Lord,
on their behalf...

- Mike McLintock. Buzzfeed magazine...
- I know who you are.

- Print edition,
- Uh-huh. OK.

- Madam President. Now, will...
- Yes.

Sorry, this is a menu.
Hold on a second.

Great question, Mike.
That's all the time we have, folks.

The president looks forward
to continuing to meet with

the good people of Iowa
as she contemplates the future.

- Thank you so much, everybody.
- Thank you.

Mike, I really need you to post

at least ten pieces a day
to the site.

When you say "a day,"
do you mean a day a day?

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Mike. Workin' for the enemy, huh?
- Yeah. My new gig.

- It's really nice to see you, Mike.
- Yeah.

I've been meaning to email ya.

Google always filters out my
emails, they think I'm a bot.

Yeah. Well, Ellen's doin' good.
She's learnin' Mandarin.

We night even adopt
another, uh, kid.

"Lurlene." I mean,

even the name sounds like
it's on meth.

Who in their right mind would
live in this ashtray's anus?

Well, me.
I was lucky enough to be born here.

You are from Lurlene?

I just didn't want to brag.
"Boasters are roasters,"

my Grandma Splett
would always say.

She had a form
of rhyming dementia.

It's called Lyndrome Syndrome.

- Really?
- I'll bet she made that up.

Oh... OK. It's showtime
at the baby Apollo. Let's go.

Richard, is chocolate
bad for dogs?

- Oh, no, not bad. Deadly.
- OK. What?

Hello, Lurlene.

Richard, you can't keep
working on both campaigns.

But they're both
equally good people.

- Isn't there somewhere they can both be president?
- Fortunately, no.

No! Little Richard,
don't pull Mommy's hair.

"That's not our plan," Mother.

All right, fine.
Here. Take it.

Madam President, will you be
announcing your candidacy today?

No. I mean,
that's not our plan.

What?! You're not
planning on running?

I've always been a big fan
of Selina Meyer's,

but it's time
for some new blood.

Is this what I came to Iowa for?

- It's everywhere, ma'am.
- Well, except Buzzfeed.

They led with the story
about the dog mayor in a coma.

- Oh, my gosh.
- Ma'am, please don't make Catherine

feel any worse than she already does.
She's suffering from...

- I know. Postpartum depression.
- Catherine has postpartum depression?

- I didn't notice anything.
- I thought she was in a good mood.

Ma'am, we have to announce
immediately to counter this.

Why not announce
at the Statue of Liberty?

- You love standing next to ugly women.
- Yes!

OK, call Senator Talbot,
see if she can introduce me.

'Cause we could use the color,
don't ya think?

Could I get a quote
for my article?

what is Mike doing in here?!

And why does he have a good idea
now that he's not working for us?

- Does anybody have time to sit for an interview real quick?
- Mike. Mike.

- A blurbicle?
- No. Get out of here.

I'll go announce at a white
supremacist compound if I have to.

There got to be tons
of them around here.

Ma'am, you're thinking of Idaho.
Iowa is mostly meth labs.

That's mainly just
a difference in branding.

- There's our new leader.
- Keith Quinn in da house!

OK, well,

screw your wigs on tight,
Team Dipshit,

you're about to see
how a campaign is really ru...

- No, that's not him.
- What do you mean?

- I mean that's not him.
- It's not him.

- That's Keith Quinn.
- No, that is not Keith Quinn.

- Not him.
- Ma'am, it is him.

I thought Keith Quinn
was someone else!

- Someone else.
- It is not my job

to know what Keith Quinn
does or does not look like!

- Amy...
- Ma'am, look who's here.

- Keith!
- Yes!

- Keith Quinn!
- That's me!

Oh! And I'm so...
just amazed to see you.

I was shocked to get
the call to come here.

- I bet.
- But so happy.

I want Kent to show you
where your office is.

- Oh, sure.
- Right next to mine. I hope that's OK with you.

Where else would it be?
I'm the campaign manager, right?


And I want you to whip
everybody into shape.


- OK... Good.
- Brought all my whips!

But let me just say
thank you so much.

- Oh...
- This is a really big step up for me.

Oh. Ohh...

- Right this way, Mr. Quinn.
- Welcome, welcome, welcome!

Thank you! Fire him.

He's deader than democracy,

Wait a minute. No!
The press cannot know

that we've made another mistake.

I-I'm so sorry.
What's happening?

Amy hired the wrong guy.

So who's running the campaign?

- Keith Quinn, obviously, Amy.
- OK.

But he cannot know that
I've never seen him before

in my entire life!

So everyone's
gonna report to Ben,

he's gonna be the secret
campaign manager.

Congratulations, Mr. Cafferty.

My thoughts and prayers go out

to the good people of Spokane.

What happened today
was a tragedy.

But here is the hard truth:

Sometimes hotshot
lacrosse players

who think they own the cafeteria
can bring this on themselves.

- Congressman, will your wife be joining you today?
- Uh, no, not today. Just me.

Will she be joining you at the
senior center this afternoon?

No, so stop asking questions about my wife.
It's not like I murdered her.

- Is your wife OK?
- Look, I challenge you.

Go ahead. Try to find one thing
that's wrong with my marriage.

Send out your top guys,
have 'em follow me around.

- Did you marry your stepsister?
- Goddamn it. Who told you?

Is Beth Hennick's father
your stepfather, Lloyd Hennick?

- I married my half-sister.
- No, stepsister!

Whichever one, when I bone her

she doesn't give birth to
a pile of legs or whatever.

You know what?
If you wanna attack somebody,

attack my cousin Ezra.

He's the one who
fingered her in high school.

We wanna thank the
firefighters, the real heroes!

Amy, I put off
getting an abortion once,

and now I've got Joaquin.

I thought if I just
talked to Dan, then...


Fuck my parents!
I thought Kent snapped.

- Not today.
- Staff meeting.

Why can't we do it
in the conference room?

Because, Amy,
your hire, Keith Quinn,

is in the conference room having
what he thinks is a staff meeting,

but we're actually having
the real staff meeting in here.

- Meyer for President.
- Oh, boy.

I really thought my fifties
would be about me

fuckin' and suckin' my way
through The Shorenstein Center.

- You and me both, ma'am.
- Ma'am, we need to pick

a location
for your announcement.

Can you text Gary, please?

- He's been gone for an hour. I need that smoothie.
- Yeah.

- Ma'am, I've got it.
- OK.

We do your announcement
where you historically

announced your first run for
the presidency nine years ago.


Susan B. Anthony's birthplace?

- Oh.
- I love it.

- What is in this?
- Bourbon and Smartwater.

Woman, hero, suffragette,

bringing the Selina Meyer
story full circle.

Yes. - You know what?
I kinda love it.

- OK, we'll figure it out in the air.
- Yeah, yes.

- And not a word of this leaks.
- No.

- Did you text Gary?
- I did.

There was a shooting at a Home Depot
and they closed the interstate.

Oh, Jesus, Mary and Jamba Juice!

I really wanted that smoothie.

- I know you did.
- Hey! Where's everybody goin'?

She loves what you're doing.
Just keep on crackin'.


Oh, hey, I'm still waitin'
on that Wi-Fi password.

I haven't eaten all day.

Ma'am, any comment
on the latest shooting?

It's an absolute outrage.

I mean frankly,
somebody needs to do

something about these shootings

because I cannot
take any more of this.

Powerful words.

Check this out.
Connecting rooms.

They got me bunkin' with Gary.

You should see all
of Selina's dresses in here.

At least I hope they're hers.

I'm thinking
of having this baby,

and I'm not asking
anything of you,

literally nothing,
but I do want the baby

to know that you're the father.

But I don't want your last name

because I've always
loved the name Meagan

and I don't want people to think

that I was going
for Mee-gan Ee-gan

because that sounds like someone
who gets ass-fucked

on the Major Deegan
in a limerick.


I-I like the name Meagan, too.

Although the Deegan's
always congested. So...

Yeah, the Cross Bronx
is much better for butt stuff.

OK, well, just sleep on it,
or whatever.

- OK, good night, Dan.
- Night, Amy...

- Ugh.
- Oh!

Why do I have to tell people

why I want to be president?

I don't want to hear
about their jobs.

These are toxic.
I'm gonna throw them out.

Oh, oh, oh.
I've been wanting to ask you,

have you seen how Amy is hovering over Dan?
I think they're hookin' up.

- Dan is not dippin' his pen in that ink stain.
- No?

Plus she's getting kinda fat
in the front. Did you see that?

It is literally
all I can think about.

- Ugh. Hey, Gary.
- Mm-hmm.

Why would you want
to be president?

To give it to you, of course.

Oh. That's good. God.

I know what I want to say,
but I can't find the words.

What if you talk and I type?
How about that?

- You just say it out loud, and then I'll just type it.
- Yes. OK.

- How about that? Great, great.
- Yeah. Let's try that. OK.

- This is fun.
- Well, from the time I was a girl...

"From the time
I was a pretty girl..."

- No, not pretty girl.
- No.

"From the time I was a girl."

Oh, but you were so pretty.

I know.

But anyway, I have fought...

- Good. Good.
- ...every day...

- So good.
- make America a...

- A very good place.
- No, don't finish my sentences.

- I thought that's where you were going.
- You don't know

- where I'm going.
- To the White House!

You know what I would like
to tell people,

- but obviously I can't?
- Say it here.

- I should be president...
- Yeah?

Because it is my goddamn turn!

- I was the game-changer...
- Yep.

I took a dump
on the glass ceiling,

and I shaved my muff in the
sink of the old boys' club.

- Muff.
- But for three years

Hughes kept me chained to a radiator
in some basement in Cleveland.

So as far as I'm concerned,
America owes me

an eight-year stay
in the White House,

and this time, I want a war!


All right.
Do you want me to read that back?

Oh, we can't use any of that.

- Oh.
- It sounds like I'm shouting

from a balcony in Munich.

Like Evita!

OK, just put down something
about how I want to give

the American people
a better deal

or some fuckin' crap like that.

Very Kennedy-esque.

John, not Teddy.

Or the rapey one.

Or the one that killed
that little girl.


Hey, can I come in?

- I need to talk to you.
- Come in.

Hey. Um,
just a quick heads-up,

you might want to keep
this door closed.

I'm gonna fuck Mike's boss.

My spidey sense tells me

she's gonna yelp like a seagull
in a bread factory. So...


S-Stick it in there good, pal.

Only way I know how.

That lobby bar better be open!

I'm gonna have it
all by my fucking self!

What is she talking about?

Probably a cheesecake
or something.

You said it, not me.

All right, nighty-night.

Oh, shoot.

Hey, Dan.

It's your roomie, Gary.

Uh, I forgot my key.

Hey, Dan?

My heart medicine's in there.

Oh! Good, there you are.

I need coffee and any kind
of egg white frittata.

Put your jacket on.
This isn't a homeless shelter.

Yeah, yeah.


Oh, Ames. Ames. Hey.

Uh... listen,

I just don't know if I'm ready
to be a daddy

to anyone who's not
a sexy boho jewelry maker

struggling to pay off
her college loans.

I appreciate the soul-searching.

But if you wanna go Dutch
or whatever on the abortion,

just hit me up on Venmo, OK?

Oh, you know what? Make it public, OK?
Shows I'm a gentleman.

Oh, thanks, guys!

We love you, Selina!


This place has
feminine symbolism

spurtin' out of its dickhole.

All right, boys,
let's go launch this rocket.

Let's just hope it's the
Columbia and not the Challenger.

Both exploded,
killing all aboard.

OK, whatever. The one
without the schoolteacher.

What is... going on here?
Where is the stage?

- This was all supposed to be done like six hours ago.
- The tents aren't even here.

I'm guessin' those were supposed to
be put up four or five hours ago.

You want the stages up first.

Ma'am, it...

- it turns out back in 2008...
- Yeah?

Your campaign did not pay the
bill for your announcement.

- I-I...
- I want you to meet Nick Spooner,

he owns the tent company.

- Hello, Mr. Spooner.
- Spooner.

If you could just set up...
the stage, it...

Your Honor,
I totally respect your office

- and your service to this country...
- Thank you.

As former Commander-in-Chief
of the armed services.

Well, it's my pleasure.
Thank you.

And I want to say
that I love America.

- Mm-hm.
- However...

I am sick and tired

of these hoity-toity people...

- like yourself...
- O... K.

Prancing in here with
this la-dee-da attitude

and total "disregahd"
for the working class people

of this country, like myself.

Truth to power. Good for you.

My aide Mr. Walsh

would like to speak with you...

- Yes, yes, yes.
- Your aide?

Your hat is so fun.

The "B." Have you been
to Barbuda?

Can we just pay this townie
and get on with it, please?

It's too late now.
The press is already arriving.

So the national press
is now arriving

to this giant metaphor for a...

clusterfuck of a campaign.

Actually, it's a synecdoche.

Technically, it's more of
a goat rape than a clusterfuck.

If I ever needed a miracle
it is right now.

Ma'am, there's been a mass
shooting in a mall in Phoenix.

Twenty-seven people
have been killed.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh.


This can... work for us?

Yes, because we couldn't
possibly announce now

out of respect for the victims.


Praise the rational
equivalent of Jesus,

what Bonhoeffer would call
the spirit of beloved community.

We have to send that shooter
a nice thank-you card.

Actually, he shot himself
before he could be apprehended.

I'll send something to his wife.

Oh. Actually,
he shot her first.

I am literally shaking
from this.

I can't believe it!

Hey, guys!

This is our chance

to get in front
of the marriage story,

- shape the narrative.
- Mm-hmm.

All right.

What was that?

I'm just adjusting your mic.

I was chemically castrated,

As adults, you met again

- at Nancy's father's funeral?
- Right.

He was just so tall

that I fell in love
with him that night.

And, um, two months later
we were married.

In a normal... marriage.

Not weird or disgusting at all.

- Normal.
- So what would you say to someone who might ask,

"How can they marry?
They're step-siblings."

I'm not her brother,
and I never was.

Except for that one year.

It's exactly what
Woody Allen did.

I'm clearly no more
of a pervert than he is,

and if you're
gonna criticize us,

then you better be prepared
to criticize Woody Allen

and the little Chinese girl.

- Exactly.
- Exactly.

I would like to offer

my thoughts and prayers

for the victims
and their families.

And I realize that
there are those who say

that thoughts and prayers
aren't enough,

but prayer works, believe me.

It worked for me today.

- Amen.
- Whoo!


and this may not seem
like the right time,

but I have to say
that I love this country.

I think we all do.

And I am sick and tired
of all these hoity-toity people

prancing around with
their la-dee-da attitudes

with complete "disregahd"...

re... regard for the rights

of normal, working class

men and women!

And that is why
I wanna be President

of the United States of America!

And my candidacy begins...

right now! Thank you!

- Did you write that?
- Yes.

This is the bill for Mr. Spooner,
the old work plus today.

Yeah. I'm not paying that.

So, at the center of all
of this emotional turmoil

is Beth's father
and Jonah's stepfather,

- Lloyd Hennick.
- He was a monster.

Mr. Hennick, would you
join us, please?

- Hi.
- Wh-What?

- Have a seat.
- What is he doing here?

- Did you know about this?
- No.

- Hi, Jonah.
- "Oh, hi, Jonah."

Lloyd, is there anything

you would like
to say to your son...

your stepson, Jonah?

Yes. Jonah, I have always
tried to be there for you.

That's why I bought
your first car

and paid for all six years
of college, champ!

How come you failed me
in algebra, Mr. Hennick?

You failed eighth grade math?

My mom never loved you.

You know that?
She told me that.

Thanksgiving 1996.

We'd love to have him back,
you know, by himself.

- It'd be great.
- Eat a dick.

Nancy, ever since the kids
have gotten together,

it's just reminded me
of how much I miss you.

- No! No, no, no!
- Oh, I'm...

Do not touch her! No!

Those hands are for making me
Hot Pockets and nothing else.

You are gonna die alone.
Get up. Move over.

- Do you want me to move?
- Yes, you guys switch.

How does this make you
feel, Nancy,

- with th...
- It makes me feel terrible.

I miss him!

- I miss you! I miss you!
- No, no, no!

- I'm gonna be president!
- I'm gonna be president!

- I'm gonna be president!
- What?! Wha...

Actually, since this segment
first aired,

Jonah's numbers are up over 3%.

He's tapped into something.

Yeah, his stepsister.

Well, it's playing big with

non-college educated
white males,

and... college educated
white males.

Basically, white males.

This entire country

is getting more disgusting
by the second.

That's a demo we're
targeting mostly on Facebook.

OK, can we just talk about
how I pulled

one of the all-time
campaign announcements

- out of my lily-white anus?
- Kudos on that, Gary.

- What?
- The field could not be any clearer.

Ma'am, you need to see this.

I believe that our country
will always be

a shining beacon of hope...

- Oh, God, he looks good.
- for our own people

and those who will learn
from our example.

And that is why I would like to
announce my candidacy for the office

- That! Right there!
- of President of the United States of America.

That's the Keith Quinn
I was talking about.