Veep (2012–…): Season 6, Episode 9 - A Woman First - full transcript
Selina: You know how much I
love the size of your jet,
and... oh, my God, what?
What is this weather? Why doesn't
everybody just go to St. Bart's?
I miss it already. It was so romantic.
- Just the two of us.
- (both moan)
- And Gary.
- Gary: So passionate.
It's just what I needed, you know?
That ocean air and the
crystal blue water.
Oh, and not to mention
the topless beach.
I didn't see anything.
- Selina: Next time, I wanna stay longer.
- Hello, ma'am.
- Hello, Marjorie.
- I'm sorry to be so hysterical,
- but we have a situation.
- What are you talking about?
Catherine's on bed rest. She's been
diagnosed with an incompetent cervix.
Well, why should her cervix be any
different than the rest of her?
Hi, Mom. Hi, Jaffar.
Before you even ask, we have
taken a break from sex,
specifically penetrative sex.
- She has a penis?
- I don't know.
Honey, what are you doing here?
Well, yeah, I'm on bed rest
so that the stitches don't
get ripped out of my cervix.
- (all groan)
- Oh, my gosh.
Well, this isn't bed rest,
this is couch rest.
Did you put a towel or
anything underneath her?
Because, girls, this is
imported French linen.
- Maybe a waterproof tarp.
- Yes, actually,
or even a garbage bag, you
know, in case she leaks.
- Special delivery! Advance copies.
- Selina: Really?!
- My book, my book, my book!
- Mike: Fresh off the presses.
- Finally getting paid.
- Well, we'll see.
- (gasps) No!
- Yeah.
- Look how pretty!
- Oh, the prettiest!
- "A Woman First: First Woman."
- Yeah.
You could get murdered in my country
for saying something like that.
- It's a bit of a pun.
- No, it's not.
There's a typo on the first page.
- What?
- The first sentence.
"From the moment I entered
the the White House."
- Is that a pun?
- Well, that's on you, Amy,
because you were in charge of the book.
- That's copy editing.
- Congratulations again, Amy.
Richard! So glad to see you.
I missed you.
Ah, welcome back, ma'am. Also,
Ambassador, ahlan wa sahlan.
(speaking native language)
(laughs) Now that's a pun!
Ma'am, you are confirmed
for tomorrow night
for "The Tonight Show" to
kick off the book tour.
- Yeah.
- Which, again, is tomorrow night,
- not tonight, despite the title.
- Okay.
And you're doing the "Today"
show one week from yesterday.
Wow, that smells good. What is that?
Oh, it's Catherine's uterine tea.
Catherine: Yeah, it's a broth
of red raspberry leaf,
black haw, and false unicorn root.
I hope that's going in your mouth.
Whatever happened to half a bottle of
red wine and three Virginia Slims?
Ma'am, the producer of "The Tonight
Show" thought it would be fun if...
No, you know what? Nothing's
fun on that show.
I need to go and unpack.
- All: Good night, ma'am.
- What? I'm not on bed rest.
- My cervix is as tight as a snare drum.
- Oh, yes, it is.
I'm not mentioned in this
book until page 134.
I once dry-shaved that woman's legs
under her desk during a cabinet meeting.
Yeah, I'm not in there till
213, and I wrote the book.
(gasps) Ooh, page 93, suckers!
"As Gary poured my tea, I realized the
hostages..." Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
- Oh, yes!
- Amy: How about you, Richard?
- Did you make the book?
- Just the dedication.
Kent: Congressman, I put
up all your flyers.
Ooh, hey, fantastic...
Oh, God damn it, this
office sucks my nard!
A punishment from Congressman Furlong
and the speaker and the president.
An astonishing bipartisan agreement.
Some interesting reading arrived.
- No such thing.
- Well, President Meyer's book.
- Take a look.
- All right, let's see if I'm in here.
- Jordan, jobs...
- Try Ryan.
I know, Kent. I was looking up jobs
because they're important
to the American people.
- R-Y-A...
- I know how to spell my last name, Kent.
Are you fucking kidding?
I'm not in here.
I ruined her administration,
like, four times.
You'd think that'd count for something.
- Are you in here?
- 12 mentions. Adequate.
Jonah, I just saw the latest polls.
The shutdown really hurt you
in Massachusetts' anus.
AKA New Hampshire.
You're only up by five points
in your reelection against
Selectman Di Vicentis
when you should be up by 20 points.
Whoa, I'm only up five on Skeevy Deevy?
I went to summer camp with that dude
and he was too afraid to get changed
in front of the other boys.
- I thought that was you.
- No, I'm pretty sure it was him.
It was you.
How do you know, Kent? Were
you at that summer camp?
- Tanz: Ah, there he is.
- Oh, hello, sir.
God!
Jonah, my boy, I've
come to say farewell.
I'm pulling all my financial support...
the PACs, the reelection
committees, everything.
I suppose I should've hired some
goons to kick the shit out of you,
but you're dating my daughter, so.
- Dad.
- I know I've had some setbacks...
No, no, don't take it so hard!
Come on, Shawnee, let's boogie.
No, you don't tell me what to do.
I'm not one of your precious inmates.
- I'm staying with Jonah.
- You are?
- Are you pregnant?
- No, I'm not pregnant.
All: Oh, thank God.
I thought we'd wait
till we bought a house.
If you stay with him, you're cut off.
- Okay.
- If you change your mind before dinner,
we're having Peking Gourmet.
I'm not coming, but order me some
slippery shrimp just in case.
(sighs)
Babe, did you give up
your inheritance for me?
Are you out of your fucking mind?
I still have my trust.
- Oh, money!
- We're moving the wedding up.
Just as soon as you
finish your conversion.
- Mazel tov.
- Oh, thanks, Kent.
God... motherfucker!
Okay, I'm gonna get you a bike helmet.
I don't need a bike helmet!
God damn it, ow!
As you may have heard,
today marks my departure
from the "CBS Morning
Show with Dan Egan."
But you'll still be
able to find me weekly
on our CBS digital platforms.
- Podcast.
- What?
Well, most importantly, I
hope that you've cherished...
- our time together.
- I'm... I'm sorry, Danny.
- Stevie says we've gotta wrap it up.
- Brie: Yeah.
Okay, well, then to Brie.
Thank you, Brie, you know, for
everything that we've shared,
- both on and off camera.
- Oh.
And to Jane, incredible.
Absolutely incredible.
I mean, you've been with this
network for how many decades now?
I mean, Jane... I will always remember
Jane covering the moon landing.
I mean, I studied that footage.
- That beautiful black and white stuff.
- Before me.
It was just fantast...
well, regardless...
Danny boy.
- Jane, you are historic.
- Thank you.
Be sure to join us starting tomorrow
for "CBS This Morning
with Jane and Brie."
Girl power.
- We'll see...
- We'll see you in the tomorrow.
And we're clear. Great job, everybody.
Good job, Jane.
Okay, well, what do you say
we let bygones be bygones
- and have some goodbye cake?
- I told them you didn't want cake.
Oh, my God, I love this!
They started demo at Mee-Maw's
for the birthplace and library,
and the contractor sent
me this video link.
Look at this. I could
watch this all day.
- What?
- Nothing.
Catherine, I can't repeat myself
every five seconds for your amusement.
- Isn't that good?
- Ooh, "Tonight Show" dresses.
- Look how pretty.
- You think it's too low-cut?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Ma'am, I'm leaving. Take
good care of Catherine.
- Who is she talking to?
- I don't know.
- Ma'am, um...
- Ahem, yeah?
the "Washington Post" is running
an exposé on your term in office.
Is it bad?
Can I have a drink? I
feel a little dehydrated.
It's kind of like the wave
in "The Perfect Storm,"
except in this case, the
wave is made out of shit
and our boat is also made out of shit.
It's Leon West.
Fuck.
What does it say?
"Ignoring the advice of
experienced staffers,
Meyer instead sought the counsel
of a high school drop-out,
her personal trainer and
lover, Ray Whelan."
He had a GED, guys.
Oh, my God, they're
talking about my eye job?
- (Gary gasps)
- Chinese cover-up over the tweet.
This isn't an article,
this is a gang bang
on a pinball machine!
Who despises me like this?!
Well, there's President
Montez, Tom James...
The White House maids, the steward.
- White working class voters.
- Nobody!
- Everybody loves you!
- Shut up!
Can somebody carry me to the bathroom?
Ma'am, there's a remote possibility...
- a while back, I was working on this humor column...
- No, don't, Mike.
- Leon West has Mike's diary!
- Amy, you promised!
What? What, Mike?
What have you and your 47
tangled chromosomes done?!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, ma'am.
I should've gotten a diary
with a little lock on it,
but I didn't wanna lock myself out.
- How long have you known about this?
- Since Alabama.
But to be fair, we thought
we were on top of it.
We did, ma'am.
Oh, really? Well, now
it's on top of you,
it's knocked your teeth out, and
it's making sweet love to your face!
We don't know my diary is the source.
Well, there's scans of
it on the WaPo website.
- Oh, God.
- It's crystal clear.
God, get out of here,
you great walrus Judas!
I'm gone, I'm gone.
Okay, Amy, you have to
call my lawyer right now,
my lawyers, the whole firm.
All right, we have to call Leon, too.
And, Mike, where the fuck
do you think you're going?!
You need to get in touch
with Leon right now.
Yes, ma'am.
- Ooh.
- Ma'am, do you need to sit down?
I just feel a little woozy, okay?
- I've got stomach cramps.
- Aw.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, what are you drinking?
This is Catherine's tea
for her underparts.
- Catherine: What?
- It's the tea for your underparts!
- Oh, my God. (retching)
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
- (vomiting)
- (whimpering)
- What time is "The Tonight Show"?
- Call time is 3:30.
I'm fine. It's okay, I'm fine.
- I'm... (vomiting)
- Ah, ah!
Oh, dang! What's up, white boys?
Yo, you guys ready to drop that rock?
- Gellardi, hit me, I'm open.
- What are you doing here, Congressman?
I started up a basketball league
to endear myself to you assholes.
We have a league. We play
here every Tuesday night.
You guys can join my league.
How about that?
- We don't want to.
- I don't give a fuck what you want!
I have your ball, so you
have to join my league.
I get first pick, and I pick Graves.
Oh, really? Why are you picking me?
Because you're so tall.
Oh, God, who the fuck
invited Dikembe Mutomtard?
A little word of advice,
Congressman, don't wear the shorts.
Even Kobe Bryant wouldn't
rape you in those things.
Oh, lookie here, we got old Jesus
with a camel toe and his
child molester goggles
and the headband, of course,
'cause you don't want the
sweat getting in your eyes
when you're choking them out afterwards.
Congressman Ryan took our ball.
- Oh, shut up, narc!
- You shut up!
All right, Will, take the
ball and tell 'em why.
Balls are the only thing keeping
me from choking on cocks.
Without balls, I'd be swallowing
dicks whole just like Joey Chestnut.
- I'm sorry, Jonah, but I'm gonna...
- (grunts)
Foul. Foul.
Doctor says I gotta play
20 minutes every day,
so get the fuck off our court.
- Ball in.
- Let's go, Congressman.
Wanna play a game of Horse?
Yes, I would like that very much.
- Boom goes the dynamite.
- You're fired.
Yes!
Amy: Ma'am, "The Tonight Show"
is ripshit because you canceled.
I just got a lecture from a 22-year-old
piss twat with a SUNY Binghamton degree
who says that she thinks
that you chickened out
because of the "Post" article.
Just call her back and
rebook the whole thing.
No, you have...
Okay, look, this is all
about damage control, Amy.
My presidency just got caught with a
tranny hooker on Sunset Boulevard,
and I have to make America think
that I was just giving her a ride home.
- Right? Right.
- Mike: Very smart, ma'am.
Actually, I did write a zinger for
"The Tonight Show" about Ray.
"In sleeping with my trainer, I think you
could say I did not exercise good judgment."
Okay, I am not gonna say
that joke to Johnny.
- I mean...
- Uh, ma'am, Johnny...
Ma'am, Leon West is here for
your double secret meeting.
Okay, you know what?
Let's make him wait.
Yeah!
Okay.
And maybe give him some of
that lesbian cooze potion.
Okay, I think all we have
is Diet Coke in the fridge.
Okay, they should not be allowed
to call that stuff tea.
- That's what I think.
- (both chuckling)
You know what I think? You sound like
the world's gayest AM radio show.
Now, guys, what is our move with Leon?
- Well, he really likes Amy.
- Amy who?
Ew! No!
She's all over his diary.
She's in every page.
You're kidding me.
- No!
- Amy, Amy.
(scoffs) Come on, nobody's asking you
to engage in some sort of
human pleasurable activity.
- I know that's not your bag.
- Okay.
So, then what...
But perhaps maybe you could
flirt a little with him.
I don't know if that's something
that you're actually able to do.
Yes, of course, I can
be very flirtatious.
(door opens)
Nope.
Ma'am, Leon West says he knows
you're just making him wait.
- Okay, just send him in.
- Okay.
One of these days, she's
gonna make that face
and that eyeball of hers is gonna
pop out and shoot across the room.
- Yeah. Boing!
- I know it.
- Leon West, ma'am.
- Ah, Leon!
Woodward minus Bernstein plus Propecia.
Ooh.
This entire conversation
is off the record.
You are going to retract every
word this very nanosecond.
Otherwise, I'm gonna sue you.
I'm curious, you're
gonna sue us for what?
Because this is public
interest and fair use.
Oh, I'd love to know how my eye job...
- Which never happened.
- which never happened, by the way,
is in the public interest.
Now, I've got you on the hook
for defamation, libel,
and, if I remember my law school
tort professor correctly,
and I do 'cause I slept
with him for two years...
- Still off the record.
- invasion of privacy.
You can go ahead. We're
the "Washington Post"
and we have been sued by better
terrible presidents than you.
- Name one.
- Okay, you know what I want?
I want this room, okay? Everybody out.
Are there any nibbles
on that Dave Barry...
Mike!
- Get!
- Shh.
What do you want?
I think the Pulitzer I'm
going to get from this
is good enough for me, so good evening.
- You can have Amy.
- Wait, I don't understand.
You can have her.
Probably better from behind, though,
you know...
Good evening.
Yeah, I don't blame you.
Selina: Can you stop blowing
on my legs like that?
- I'm drying the "glow-tion."
- Don't use the word "glow-tion."
- Ma'am.
- What is it?
Oh, my God, Amy, you are making
that terrible, terrible news face.
You're gonna throw your
neck out, you know?
What is it? Is it Leon West?
- Is it a second diary dump?
- Oh, it is beyond a dump.
It is a toxic infant blowout
out both diaper legs and
up the back of the onesie.
Did they mention the antique egg
that we stole from the Oval?
You stole it.
It's got the terrorist
drone assassination.
- (gasps)
- Richard: Well, that sounds bad.
- The DRA guy?
- Yeah, and the Chinese.
It's got the soldier whose leg you lost.
Oh, my God, the lost leg. Ooh!
Surrounded by Mike's poorly
drawn doodles of legs.
- I'm sorry, Mike.
- It looks like arms.
I'm better at arms. You should see the
page where I wrote about the arms dealer.
Oh, my God!
The Georgian election is here
and all of that stuff about Murman?!
Mm-hmm.
Why do you work for me,
you stupid mustache?!
We were telling so many lies, I had to
write them down to keep them straight.
Any decent lawyer would've
told me to do that.
Ma'am, they've got the data breach.
- No.
- They know that you 100% knew
about the mining of those dead kids'
social security and medical data.
I don't have a zinger for that one.
Well, I could go to jail for that.
- No.
- Well, I can't do the show.
You guys have to get me out of here.
Madam President, we are all so
honored to have you on the show.
I'm Bethany, and I'm gonna go over a few
rules of "What's in the Bag?" with you...
Okay, look, Tiffany, I
am so happy to be here,
but unfortunately, I've just
gotten this emergency call...
- Pregnant daughter.
- from my pregnant daughter...
- The baby is in distress.
- and her baby is in such distress.
- Is my baby okay?
- Come on, guys, we gotta go!
She's gonna love these.
By the way, what is in the bag?
(whispers) It's a copy
of the president's book.
Ha, that's good.
I was a patsy, but to my knowledge,
this is just the tip of the iceberg.
These revelations will continue to come
out in a steady drip, drip, drip...
- Balls.
- like the leaky prison faucet
I was forced to drink from.
- Good evening, ma'am.
- (sighs)
- Finally got Catherine down.
- I could never get her down.
She was always so scared
about monsters everywhere,
you know, under her bed and behind
the curtain and in the closet.
Although, actually, one time, Andrew did
hide one of his women in the closet,
so she had reason to
be somewhat alarmed.
- Why don't I join you in that nightcap?
- Uh, Gary?
- I think I heard him leave.
- What? Oh, right.
I don't think that there
are any clean glasses.
- There's one here.
- Uh-huh, okay.
- (liquid pouring)
- You know, ma'am,
something I've always
wanted to tell you.
You know what I love most
about your daughter?
What's going on with the foundation?
You know, I was thinking that I
might wanna become more involved.
I could really use the cleansing
power of a charity right now.
Well, it's been quite a year for
the Meyer Fund for Adult Literacy,
AIDS, the Advancement
of Global Democracy,
Military Family Assistance,
and Childhood Obesity.
- AIDS in particular has had...
- Wait, wait, hang on a second.
What is that you just... what was
the thing that you just said?
Childhood obesity. You sent me an
email about it last month at 4:00 AM.
I forgot. I was looking at
Catherine's baby pictures.
I have to admit I was
skeptical about it at first,
but the more I learned about those kids,
I started to see that the problems
are not just physical problems...
Yeah.
that come with obesity...
the cancer, the diabetes...
but also the emotional and
psychological problems...
- the body dysmorphia...
- Yeah. Hey, Jaffar, it's me.
- so we started an
exciting new program...
- Can you come and get me?
we get the kids out
10 minutes a day...
- Yeah, in 10 minutes would be good.
- It is good.
It is. It's a perfect amount of
time for a lot of these kids.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Selina: From the moment
I have left office,
it has been nothing but a giant slalom
down Mount McRimjob, brown diamond.
I know, but in my mind, you
have nothing to be ashamed of.
You know, my uncle, he poisoned
an entire village with sarin gas.
Ooh, that is worse. Thank
you very much for that.
Yeah, you're welcome.
I just wish we could leave
this country forever.
Why don't we, eni?
I mean, you've got nothing here.
- I've got Catherine, but, I mean...
- Let's just go.
I've got a plane that's
fully fueled always
- and ready to go at any moment.
- Why? Why is your plane always fueled?
Well, you know, in case...
Let's just say that I've
got some cousins...
- Yeah.
- who sometimes get very angry
at some of your tall buildings.
(both laugh)
Oh, God, you're making a joke, right?
- Yes. Yes.
- Yeah.
Dipshit Mike and his shit-dip diary.
"Amy committed perjury today,"
written in crayon and mustard stains.
- You gonna hire a lawyer?
- No, I'm thinking of pleading guilty.
I wouldn't mind a little time in
prison, get away from my wife,
- spend time with guys who get it.
- Yeah, learn a trade.
All right, I gotta get up early,
yammer my case to the morning TV yabbos.
- No offense.
- Hey, none taken. Former yabbo.
- Bye, kids.
- What about you? What's
next for the great Dan Egan?
- Any job leads?
- I thought about teaching high school,
but, I mean, girls these days
just can't keep a secret.
- You see Jane's up to her old tricks?
- Mm-mm.
Yeah, she's telling Page Six that
she and Brie are clam slamming.
Vaginas are so gross.
I wish I didn't have one.
Sometimes I forget I do.
Yeah, yeah, we all do.
Get you one more of these?
I gotta get up in the morning, early,
'cause Selina's...
- Yeah, make it a double.
- Atta girl.
Jaffar: So, we will go to Paris first.
Goody!
We'll figure out where
we wanna go next.
Hey, listen, can you call somebody
to bring me some fresh towels?
- More towels? How many towels are you...
- Yes, I need them.
Breaking news from the
"Washington Post."
Buried among many new scandalous acts
- from the Meyer Presidency...
- Oh, no.
comes the revelation that
it was President Selina Meyer
and not President Laura Montez
who negotiated with the Chinese
president to free Tibet.
- Jaffar!
- Sources close to...
- What is the matter? What's going on?
- No, no, look!
They know! They finally know it's me!
- Oh, my gosh!
- Yeah!
Well, the history books
are being rewritten,
and this time, it's not Texas
saying Satan made fossils.
Yes, he did.
- What?
- Ma'am, it is everywhere!
This is the best day we've had
since I started working for you.
I guess it was actually
good I lost the diary.
Ma'am, we're getting requests for
confirmation from all the big Tibetan papers,
except for the "Lhasa Express," though.
They're playing their usual games.
- Well, whatever.
- This is amazing.
Nobody is talking about
any of the other stuff!
God bless the media and their "fly
hitting a windshield" attention span!
- Mike: I know!
- Leon West is on "CBS This Morning" right now.
Selina: Oh, my God, put
it on really quick.
Even you would admit that
freeing Tibet from Chinese rule
is a monumental achievement.
- Yes, it was.
- Leon: No, that was a fluke.
That was a success despite an
almost pathological level...
President Meyer's discretion
speaks well of her.
Yeah!
Take that cum shot in
all four eyes, Leon.
You should've taken Amy and walked away.
- Hmm?
- Nothing.
If she were a man, you would
call that confidence.
Yeah, tell it, sister!
Kick him in the cunt.
I adore Jane McCabe.
a heroine for our times.
Montez is not gonna be happy.
It's gonna put a real
turd in her chalupa.
Oh, we should get Mexican for lunch.
President Meyer's office. Yale
University president's office?
- Oh.
- Okay, and she knows what this is regarding, Yale?
Give me that. I'm talking.
Hello, this is President Meyer.
Jim! How are you?
Oh, absolutely.
We'll have your office get
in touch with my office.
We're very interested
in discussing that.
You, too. Bye-bye.
- (laughs)
- Well?
Guess who is interested,
all of a sudden,
in the Selina Meyer
Presidential Library.
Shut up!
- Andrew.
- Selina: What?
- Your ex.
- No. Yale!
- I thought you went to Smith.
- No, it's in the book that you wrote.
- Right, right, right, right.
- (all laughing)
Oh, my God, I'm gonna get upset!
- I'm so moved by this!
- You just started tearing down Mee-Maw's house.
- Well, that's Catherine's problem.
- Okay.
Hey, Kent, free at last, free at last.
I've been fired three times in my life...
from the US Postal Service
Office of Investigations,
by the Seattle Seahawks,
and by Jonah Ryan.
I cried each time. This
time, it was tears of joy.
Good for you.
Well, good timing
because we're in print
as genius operators.
You know, this could be an opportunity.
I might get my teeth re-whitened.
Maybe we could start a new business,
take our shit show on the road.
Yeah, easier than explaining
yards after the catch to Steve Largent.
If we do this, though,
one rule... no McLintock.
No shit. So, what do you think?
The three Meyersketeers hang a shingle?
I am gonna bid you farewell
because this face
belongs in broadcasting
and I start a new gig tomorrow.
Drinks are on you. Bye.
You'll be sorry.
I thought you were taking
the family to Italy.
They're in Italy.
Woman: Hey, wake up.
Can you hear me?
- There you go. Hi.
- Am I Jewish?
Your circumcision was a success, Mr.
Ryan.
If you notice any swelling, let me know,
and no erection for six weeks.
Well, I don't know how I'm
not gonna get it hard
when I'm talking about my hog
with some hot "shiska" nurse.
I'm your doctor, and it's shiksa.
- I'll check on you later.
- I'm pretty sure it's "shiska."
- I'm leaving.
- How are you doing?
I don't know.
Babe, so far, being Jewish really sucks.
Will you pass me one of
those ice packs, please?
- Here you go, sweetie.
- Thank you.
At least your dick won't smell
like donkey pussy anymore.
Oh, God, I told you
that was expired lube.
Oh, and there's someone here to see you.
- Hello, Jonie.
- Ugh, fuck. Hello, Uncle Jeff.
Now, why do you think I'm here?
To wish me a speedy recovery?
No, wishes belong in
the bottom of a well
with unwanted girl children.
Actually, I'm here to thank you.
Well, fine, you're welcome for whatever.
For shitting the urinal so badly,
you made the Hindenburg look like
a normal, on-time blimp landing.
Uncle Jeff, people loved the shutdown...
Shut the fuck up, you
epileptic Picasso painting!
Uh, you can't talk to him like that.
(mocking) Uh, you can't
talk to him like that.
Who is this tranny knuckle-dragger?
Somebody you hired to make
sure you don't get erections?
That tranny knuckle-dragger
is my fiancée.
- Jonah!
- Her name is Shawnee Tanz,
and you will treat her with respect.
- Tanz as in Sherman Tanz?
- That's right. He's my father.
Oh, royalty.
Well, I suppose I should say I'm sorry.
Thank you.
Sorry you're even related
to that human melted candle
who puts the Jew in
"why people hate Jews."
Tell me this, did he
sell your training bras
as cum rags to the sex
offenders in his prisons?
Listen up, Ms. Tranz,
as of today, Jonie here
is down three points
to that wop wonder Di Vicentis,
so I am pulling this creature
from the jizz lagoon
right off the New Hampshire
congressional ballot
and replacing him with his cousin, Ezra.
What... mm... what?
Ezra has more raw political talent
in the tip of his rosy-head pecker
than you have in this mangled
abortion coat hanger
you should be ashamed to call your body.
The people of New Hampshire are
gonna be so grateful to me,
I'm gonna be like a disability check
wrapped around a pack of
no-filter cigarettes.
- See you around, Jonie.
- Wait, can he really do that?
Take your name off the ballot?
Yeah, he owns, like,
all these old people.
(clears throat) Jonah,
I have been thinking,
um, you know, I think I wanna
slow things down with us.
Okay, yeah, that makes sense. My
teachers had to do that all the time.
No, with us... you and me.
What?
(cackling)
- She's dumping you!
- Shut the fuck up, Uncle Jeff.
- She's not dumping me.
- Oh, no, I am.
I've been having doubts
for a little while.
(cackling)
Uncle Jeff, shut up!
What do you mean a little while?
What the fuck does that even mean?
Is that before or after
I scheduled the surgery
to cut my dick off so
you could marry me?
Uncle Jeff, come on!
I'm so glad I came in
person and didn't call.
- (cackling continues)
- Goodbye, Jonah.
Sorry.
- Come on, honey, I'll walk you out.
- Oh, that's nice of you.
- Are you parked in the garage?
- Yeah, I'm just outside.
Oh, that's...
Shawnee, wait...
- (heart monitor beeping)
- (PA chatter)
Okay, come on.
(screaming)
Ow! Nurse!
Leon West just called
for the seventh time.
He says he wants you to...
He wants to gargle my
nuts and tickle my taint?
- Tell him to get in line.
- Oh, ma'am, the publisher said
we're getting some book reviews in.
Oh, the "Lhasa Express"
gives it five namastes.
- Now, what are you doing?
- Don't worry about it.
- They're ready for you, ma'am.
- Selina: Oh.
- Gary: That's Bethany.
- Okay, thank you, Tiffany.
- I'm going!
- Amy: Knock 'em dead, ma'am.
- Thank you!
- Have fun.
How long have you been working
for "The Tonight Show"?
- About a month.
- Richard: Hey, ma'am.
Ma'am, Catherine's in an ambulance.
- She's having some bad bleeding.
- Oh, my God, on the couch?
- Did they put the garbage bags down?
- I don't know.
- Okay, and?
- One of us should go?
Well, what are you standing here for?
- You're the donor.
- Oh, father.
- Do you need to leave?
- Where do I stand?
- Oh, right there on the mark.
- On the thing? Okay. Thank you.
- Man: Good luck, ma'am.
- Hi. How are you?
the first woman to hold
the office of the president.
If that's not enough, she's
written an autobiography...
"A Woman First: First Woman."
- Ladies and gentlemen,
please help me welcome...
- (gasps)
- President Selina Meyer! Selina!
- (cheering, applause)
Hey! Ah! Whoo! How about that?
- Hello.
- Hey. Great.
- Thank you so much for coming.
- Thank you!
How about this, a real president!
A real president.
- Where to?
- 53rd and 3rd, please.
- (sighs)
- (jingle plays)
Hi, there. Welcome to "CBS This Ride."
I'm your host, Dan Egan,
- bringing you exclusive content...
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
Off.
right here in New
York City Yellow Cabs.
Sir, how do you... I can't
get the screen to go off.
Come on, how the fuck do
you turn this thing off?!
There's an off... you see the off button?
All right, you know what? You know what?
I wanna get out. Shut the fuck up!
Sir, can you calm down, please?
Broadway is your scene,
Fringe Festival's in town.
God damn it. Ben, it's me.
- Driver: Hey, you gonna pay?
- I'm in.
I did wanna clear the
air about one thing.
Sure.
Earlier this week, you
were booked on the show.
You had to cancel, which,
to us, is like, you know,
she's the President of
the United... who cares?
We're fine with it. You have so
many more important things to do...
- Well, thank you.
- than our stupid show
that we put together
with Scotch tape here.
No, it's a great show.
- No, I love this show.
- And then there was speculation
that you did so because
you were embarrassed
about some salacious news
stories about your trainer.
Yes, in sleeping with my trainer,
- I did not exercise good judgment.
- (audience laughs)
Wow.
Ha, ha, ha! (imitates sword slashing)
Zinger!
Actually, what I really
would love to talk about,
um, is Tibet.
- Yeah, absolutely, Madam President.
- The deal that we brokered.
But before that,
just in honor of your new book...
- Oh, sure.
- "A Woman First: First Woman."
Is that the final title
or are you, uh...?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, that... mm-hmm. (chuckles)
- It's a little pun.
- It is a pun, kind of.
By the way, this is quite
a photo on the cover.
- It's really, really nice.
- Thank you.
Do I need, like, special glasses
- to be able to see this in focus?
- No, no!
Or how does this work?
It just came out today, and
we thought it would be fun,
in honor of you canceling on us,
to have some children come out here.
They'll read you some
of our favorite reviews
- of your book.
- Oh, neat!
Because as any parent knows,
kids read the darndest
things off of cue cards.
That's right. So, kids, could
you come out here, please?
- Oh, so cute.
- Yeah, very cute.
Starting up here, we've got
Ella, who is age nine.
"'The New York Times' says,
'We've been stunned by the revelations
and achievements of the Meyer presidency
over the last few days.
Why aren't they in the book?'"
Host: That's not a bad question.
Next up, Melanie, age eight.
"'Publisher Weekly' calls it
'Scattered and disjointed,
much like the Meyer presidency.'"
- Okay, next up, we got Ruby, age 10.
- Wow.
"The 'New York Post'
says, 'Remainder City.'"
- (host chuckles) Whoa.
- Can we play "What's...
What's in the Bag"?
Let's guess what's in the bag.
We played that last night
when you weren't here.
- Ah.
- We've got Elliot, age 10.
Elliot: "'The New Yorker' called
it 'A trite, monotonous tune
that's as inconsequential as any...'"
love the size of your jet,
and... oh, my God, what?
What is this weather? Why doesn't
everybody just go to St. Bart's?
I miss it already. It was so romantic.
- Just the two of us.
- (both moan)
- And Gary.
- Gary: So passionate.
It's just what I needed, you know?
That ocean air and the
crystal blue water.
Oh, and not to mention
the topless beach.
I didn't see anything.
- Selina: Next time, I wanna stay longer.
- Hello, ma'am.
- Hello, Marjorie.
- I'm sorry to be so hysterical,
- but we have a situation.
- What are you talking about?
Catherine's on bed rest. She's been
diagnosed with an incompetent cervix.
Well, why should her cervix be any
different than the rest of her?
Hi, Mom. Hi, Jaffar.
Before you even ask, we have
taken a break from sex,
specifically penetrative sex.
- She has a penis?
- I don't know.
Honey, what are you doing here?
Well, yeah, I'm on bed rest
so that the stitches don't
get ripped out of my cervix.
- (all groan)
- Oh, my gosh.
Well, this isn't bed rest,
this is couch rest.
Did you put a towel or
anything underneath her?
Because, girls, this is
imported French linen.
- Maybe a waterproof tarp.
- Yes, actually,
or even a garbage bag, you
know, in case she leaks.
- Special delivery! Advance copies.
- Selina: Really?!
- My book, my book, my book!
- Mike: Fresh off the presses.
- Finally getting paid.
- Well, we'll see.
- (gasps) No!
- Yeah.
- Look how pretty!
- Oh, the prettiest!
- "A Woman First: First Woman."
- Yeah.
You could get murdered in my country
for saying something like that.
- It's a bit of a pun.
- No, it's not.
There's a typo on the first page.
- What?
- The first sentence.
"From the moment I entered
the the White House."
- Is that a pun?
- Well, that's on you, Amy,
because you were in charge of the book.
- That's copy editing.
- Congratulations again, Amy.
Richard! So glad to see you.
I missed you.
Ah, welcome back, ma'am. Also,
Ambassador, ahlan wa sahlan.
(speaking native language)
(laughs) Now that's a pun!
Ma'am, you are confirmed
for tomorrow night
for "The Tonight Show" to
kick off the book tour.
- Yeah.
- Which, again, is tomorrow night,
- not tonight, despite the title.
- Okay.
And you're doing the "Today"
show one week from yesterday.
Wow, that smells good. What is that?
Oh, it's Catherine's uterine tea.
Catherine: Yeah, it's a broth
of red raspberry leaf,
black haw, and false unicorn root.
I hope that's going in your mouth.
Whatever happened to half a bottle of
red wine and three Virginia Slims?
Ma'am, the producer of "The Tonight
Show" thought it would be fun if...
No, you know what? Nothing's
fun on that show.
I need to go and unpack.
- All: Good night, ma'am.
- What? I'm not on bed rest.
- My cervix is as tight as a snare drum.
- Oh, yes, it is.
I'm not mentioned in this
book until page 134.
I once dry-shaved that woman's legs
under her desk during a cabinet meeting.
Yeah, I'm not in there till
213, and I wrote the book.
(gasps) Ooh, page 93, suckers!
"As Gary poured my tea, I realized the
hostages..." Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
- Oh, yes!
- Amy: How about you, Richard?
- Did you make the book?
- Just the dedication.
Kent: Congressman, I put
up all your flyers.
Ooh, hey, fantastic...
Oh, God damn it, this
office sucks my nard!
A punishment from Congressman Furlong
and the speaker and the president.
An astonishing bipartisan agreement.
Some interesting reading arrived.
- No such thing.
- Well, President Meyer's book.
- Take a look.
- All right, let's see if I'm in here.
- Jordan, jobs...
- Try Ryan.
I know, Kent. I was looking up jobs
because they're important
to the American people.
- R-Y-A...
- I know how to spell my last name, Kent.
Are you fucking kidding?
I'm not in here.
I ruined her administration,
like, four times.
You'd think that'd count for something.
- Are you in here?
- 12 mentions. Adequate.
Jonah, I just saw the latest polls.
The shutdown really hurt you
in Massachusetts' anus.
AKA New Hampshire.
You're only up by five points
in your reelection against
Selectman Di Vicentis
when you should be up by 20 points.
Whoa, I'm only up five on Skeevy Deevy?
I went to summer camp with that dude
and he was too afraid to get changed
in front of the other boys.
- I thought that was you.
- No, I'm pretty sure it was him.
It was you.
How do you know, Kent? Were
you at that summer camp?
- Tanz: Ah, there he is.
- Oh, hello, sir.
God!
Jonah, my boy, I've
come to say farewell.
I'm pulling all my financial support...
the PACs, the reelection
committees, everything.
I suppose I should've hired some
goons to kick the shit out of you,
but you're dating my daughter, so.
- Dad.
- I know I've had some setbacks...
No, no, don't take it so hard!
Come on, Shawnee, let's boogie.
No, you don't tell me what to do.
I'm not one of your precious inmates.
- I'm staying with Jonah.
- You are?
- Are you pregnant?
- No, I'm not pregnant.
All: Oh, thank God.
I thought we'd wait
till we bought a house.
If you stay with him, you're cut off.
- Okay.
- If you change your mind before dinner,
we're having Peking Gourmet.
I'm not coming, but order me some
slippery shrimp just in case.
(sighs)
Babe, did you give up
your inheritance for me?
Are you out of your fucking mind?
I still have my trust.
- Oh, money!
- We're moving the wedding up.
Just as soon as you
finish your conversion.
- Mazel tov.
- Oh, thanks, Kent.
God... motherfucker!
Okay, I'm gonna get you a bike helmet.
I don't need a bike helmet!
God damn it, ow!
As you may have heard,
today marks my departure
from the "CBS Morning
Show with Dan Egan."
But you'll still be
able to find me weekly
on our CBS digital platforms.
- Podcast.
- What?
Well, most importantly, I
hope that you've cherished...
- our time together.
- I'm... I'm sorry, Danny.
- Stevie says we've gotta wrap it up.
- Brie: Yeah.
Okay, well, then to Brie.
Thank you, Brie, you know, for
everything that we've shared,
- both on and off camera.
- Oh.
And to Jane, incredible.
Absolutely incredible.
I mean, you've been with this
network for how many decades now?
I mean, Jane... I will always remember
Jane covering the moon landing.
I mean, I studied that footage.
- That beautiful black and white stuff.
- Before me.
It was just fantast...
well, regardless...
Danny boy.
- Jane, you are historic.
- Thank you.
Be sure to join us starting tomorrow
for "CBS This Morning
with Jane and Brie."
Girl power.
- We'll see...
- We'll see you in the tomorrow.
And we're clear. Great job, everybody.
Good job, Jane.
Okay, well, what do you say
we let bygones be bygones
- and have some goodbye cake?
- I told them you didn't want cake.
Oh, my God, I love this!
They started demo at Mee-Maw's
for the birthplace and library,
and the contractor sent
me this video link.
Look at this. I could
watch this all day.
- What?
- Nothing.
Catherine, I can't repeat myself
every five seconds for your amusement.
- Isn't that good?
- Ooh, "Tonight Show" dresses.
- Look how pretty.
- You think it's too low-cut?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Ma'am, I'm leaving. Take
good care of Catherine.
- Who is she talking to?
- I don't know.
- Ma'am, um...
- Ahem, yeah?
the "Washington Post" is running
an exposé on your term in office.
Is it bad?
Can I have a drink? I
feel a little dehydrated.
It's kind of like the wave
in "The Perfect Storm,"
except in this case, the
wave is made out of shit
and our boat is also made out of shit.
It's Leon West.
Fuck.
What does it say?
"Ignoring the advice of
experienced staffers,
Meyer instead sought the counsel
of a high school drop-out,
her personal trainer and
lover, Ray Whelan."
He had a GED, guys.
Oh, my God, they're
talking about my eye job?
- (Gary gasps)
- Chinese cover-up over the tweet.
This isn't an article,
this is a gang bang
on a pinball machine!
Who despises me like this?!
Well, there's President
Montez, Tom James...
The White House maids, the steward.
- White working class voters.
- Nobody!
- Everybody loves you!
- Shut up!
Can somebody carry me to the bathroom?
Ma'am, there's a remote possibility...
- a while back, I was working on this humor column...
- No, don't, Mike.
- Leon West has Mike's diary!
- Amy, you promised!
What? What, Mike?
What have you and your 47
tangled chromosomes done?!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, ma'am.
I should've gotten a diary
with a little lock on it,
but I didn't wanna lock myself out.
- How long have you known about this?
- Since Alabama.
But to be fair, we thought
we were on top of it.
We did, ma'am.
Oh, really? Well, now
it's on top of you,
it's knocked your teeth out, and
it's making sweet love to your face!
We don't know my diary is the source.
Well, there's scans of
it on the WaPo website.
- Oh, God.
- It's crystal clear.
God, get out of here,
you great walrus Judas!
I'm gone, I'm gone.
Okay, Amy, you have to
call my lawyer right now,
my lawyers, the whole firm.
All right, we have to call Leon, too.
And, Mike, where the fuck
do you think you're going?!
You need to get in touch
with Leon right now.
Yes, ma'am.
- Ooh.
- Ma'am, do you need to sit down?
I just feel a little woozy, okay?
- I've got stomach cramps.
- Aw.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, what are you drinking?
This is Catherine's tea
for her underparts.
- Catherine: What?
- It's the tea for your underparts!
- Oh, my God. (retching)
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
- (vomiting)
- (whimpering)
- What time is "The Tonight Show"?
- Call time is 3:30.
I'm fine. It's okay, I'm fine.
- I'm... (vomiting)
- Ah, ah!
Oh, dang! What's up, white boys?
Yo, you guys ready to drop that rock?
- Gellardi, hit me, I'm open.
- What are you doing here, Congressman?
I started up a basketball league
to endear myself to you assholes.
We have a league. We play
here every Tuesday night.
You guys can join my league.
How about that?
- We don't want to.
- I don't give a fuck what you want!
I have your ball, so you
have to join my league.
I get first pick, and I pick Graves.
Oh, really? Why are you picking me?
Because you're so tall.
Oh, God, who the fuck
invited Dikembe Mutomtard?
A little word of advice,
Congressman, don't wear the shorts.
Even Kobe Bryant wouldn't
rape you in those things.
Oh, lookie here, we got old Jesus
with a camel toe and his
child molester goggles
and the headband, of course,
'cause you don't want the
sweat getting in your eyes
when you're choking them out afterwards.
Congressman Ryan took our ball.
- Oh, shut up, narc!
- You shut up!
All right, Will, take the
ball and tell 'em why.
Balls are the only thing keeping
me from choking on cocks.
Without balls, I'd be swallowing
dicks whole just like Joey Chestnut.
- I'm sorry, Jonah, but I'm gonna...
- (grunts)
Foul. Foul.
Doctor says I gotta play
20 minutes every day,
so get the fuck off our court.
- Ball in.
- Let's go, Congressman.
Wanna play a game of Horse?
Yes, I would like that very much.
- Boom goes the dynamite.
- You're fired.
Yes!
Amy: Ma'am, "The Tonight Show"
is ripshit because you canceled.
I just got a lecture from a 22-year-old
piss twat with a SUNY Binghamton degree
who says that she thinks
that you chickened out
because of the "Post" article.
Just call her back and
rebook the whole thing.
No, you have...
Okay, look, this is all
about damage control, Amy.
My presidency just got caught with a
tranny hooker on Sunset Boulevard,
and I have to make America think
that I was just giving her a ride home.
- Right? Right.
- Mike: Very smart, ma'am.
Actually, I did write a zinger for
"The Tonight Show" about Ray.
"In sleeping with my trainer, I think you
could say I did not exercise good judgment."
Okay, I am not gonna say
that joke to Johnny.
- I mean...
- Uh, ma'am, Johnny...
Ma'am, Leon West is here for
your double secret meeting.
Okay, you know what?
Let's make him wait.
Yeah!
Okay.
And maybe give him some of
that lesbian cooze potion.
Okay, I think all we have
is Diet Coke in the fridge.
Okay, they should not be allowed
to call that stuff tea.
- That's what I think.
- (both chuckling)
You know what I think? You sound like
the world's gayest AM radio show.
Now, guys, what is our move with Leon?
- Well, he really likes Amy.
- Amy who?
Ew! No!
She's all over his diary.
She's in every page.
You're kidding me.
- No!
- Amy, Amy.
(scoffs) Come on, nobody's asking you
to engage in some sort of
human pleasurable activity.
- I know that's not your bag.
- Okay.
So, then what...
But perhaps maybe you could
flirt a little with him.
I don't know if that's something
that you're actually able to do.
Yes, of course, I can
be very flirtatious.
(door opens)
Nope.
Ma'am, Leon West says he knows
you're just making him wait.
- Okay, just send him in.
- Okay.
One of these days, she's
gonna make that face
and that eyeball of hers is gonna
pop out and shoot across the room.
- Yeah. Boing!
- I know it.
- Leon West, ma'am.
- Ah, Leon!
Woodward minus Bernstein plus Propecia.
Ooh.
This entire conversation
is off the record.
You are going to retract every
word this very nanosecond.
Otherwise, I'm gonna sue you.
I'm curious, you're
gonna sue us for what?
Because this is public
interest and fair use.
Oh, I'd love to know how my eye job...
- Which never happened.
- which never happened, by the way,
is in the public interest.
Now, I've got you on the hook
for defamation, libel,
and, if I remember my law school
tort professor correctly,
and I do 'cause I slept
with him for two years...
- Still off the record.
- invasion of privacy.
You can go ahead. We're
the "Washington Post"
and we have been sued by better
terrible presidents than you.
- Name one.
- Okay, you know what I want?
I want this room, okay? Everybody out.
Are there any nibbles
on that Dave Barry...
Mike!
- Get!
- Shh.
What do you want?
I think the Pulitzer I'm
going to get from this
is good enough for me, so good evening.
- You can have Amy.
- Wait, I don't understand.
You can have her.
Probably better from behind, though,
you know...
Good evening.
Yeah, I don't blame you.
Selina: Can you stop blowing
on my legs like that?
- I'm drying the "glow-tion."
- Don't use the word "glow-tion."
- Ma'am.
- What is it?
Oh, my God, Amy, you are making
that terrible, terrible news face.
You're gonna throw your
neck out, you know?
What is it? Is it Leon West?
- Is it a second diary dump?
- Oh, it is beyond a dump.
It is a toxic infant blowout
out both diaper legs and
up the back of the onesie.
Did they mention the antique egg
that we stole from the Oval?
You stole it.
It's got the terrorist
drone assassination.
- (gasps)
- Richard: Well, that sounds bad.
- The DRA guy?
- Yeah, and the Chinese.
It's got the soldier whose leg you lost.
Oh, my God, the lost leg. Ooh!
Surrounded by Mike's poorly
drawn doodles of legs.
- I'm sorry, Mike.
- It looks like arms.
I'm better at arms. You should see the
page where I wrote about the arms dealer.
Oh, my God!
The Georgian election is here
and all of that stuff about Murman?!
Mm-hmm.
Why do you work for me,
you stupid mustache?!
We were telling so many lies, I had to
write them down to keep them straight.
Any decent lawyer would've
told me to do that.
Ma'am, they've got the data breach.
- No.
- They know that you 100% knew
about the mining of those dead kids'
social security and medical data.
I don't have a zinger for that one.
Well, I could go to jail for that.
- No.
- Well, I can't do the show.
You guys have to get me out of here.
Madam President, we are all so
honored to have you on the show.
I'm Bethany, and I'm gonna go over a few
rules of "What's in the Bag?" with you...
Okay, look, Tiffany, I
am so happy to be here,
but unfortunately, I've just
gotten this emergency call...
- Pregnant daughter.
- from my pregnant daughter...
- The baby is in distress.
- and her baby is in such distress.
- Is my baby okay?
- Come on, guys, we gotta go!
She's gonna love these.
By the way, what is in the bag?
(whispers) It's a copy
of the president's book.
Ha, that's good.
I was a patsy, but to my knowledge,
this is just the tip of the iceberg.
These revelations will continue to come
out in a steady drip, drip, drip...
- Balls.
- like the leaky prison faucet
I was forced to drink from.
- Good evening, ma'am.
- (sighs)
- Finally got Catherine down.
- I could never get her down.
She was always so scared
about monsters everywhere,
you know, under her bed and behind
the curtain and in the closet.
Although, actually, one time, Andrew did
hide one of his women in the closet,
so she had reason to
be somewhat alarmed.
- Why don't I join you in that nightcap?
- Uh, Gary?
- I think I heard him leave.
- What? Oh, right.
I don't think that there
are any clean glasses.
- There's one here.
- Uh-huh, okay.
- (liquid pouring)
- You know, ma'am,
something I've always
wanted to tell you.
You know what I love most
about your daughter?
What's going on with the foundation?
You know, I was thinking that I
might wanna become more involved.
I could really use the cleansing
power of a charity right now.
Well, it's been quite a year for
the Meyer Fund for Adult Literacy,
AIDS, the Advancement
of Global Democracy,
Military Family Assistance,
and Childhood Obesity.
- AIDS in particular has had...
- Wait, wait, hang on a second.
What is that you just... what was
the thing that you just said?
Childhood obesity. You sent me an
email about it last month at 4:00 AM.
I forgot. I was looking at
Catherine's baby pictures.
I have to admit I was
skeptical about it at first,
but the more I learned about those kids,
I started to see that the problems
are not just physical problems...
Yeah.
that come with obesity...
the cancer, the diabetes...
but also the emotional and
psychological problems...
- the body dysmorphia...
- Yeah. Hey, Jaffar, it's me.
- so we started an
exciting new program...
- Can you come and get me?
we get the kids out
10 minutes a day...
- Yeah, in 10 minutes would be good.
- It is good.
It is. It's a perfect amount of
time for a lot of these kids.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Selina: From the moment
I have left office,
it has been nothing but a giant slalom
down Mount McRimjob, brown diamond.
I know, but in my mind, you
have nothing to be ashamed of.
You know, my uncle, he poisoned
an entire village with sarin gas.
Ooh, that is worse. Thank
you very much for that.
Yeah, you're welcome.
I just wish we could leave
this country forever.
Why don't we, eni?
I mean, you've got nothing here.
- I've got Catherine, but, I mean...
- Let's just go.
I've got a plane that's
fully fueled always
- and ready to go at any moment.
- Why? Why is your plane always fueled?
Well, you know, in case...
Let's just say that I've
got some cousins...
- Yeah.
- who sometimes get very angry
at some of your tall buildings.
(both laugh)
Oh, God, you're making a joke, right?
- Yes. Yes.
- Yeah.
Dipshit Mike and his shit-dip diary.
"Amy committed perjury today,"
written in crayon and mustard stains.
- You gonna hire a lawyer?
- No, I'm thinking of pleading guilty.
I wouldn't mind a little time in
prison, get away from my wife,
- spend time with guys who get it.
- Yeah, learn a trade.
All right, I gotta get up early,
yammer my case to the morning TV yabbos.
- No offense.
- Hey, none taken. Former yabbo.
- Bye, kids.
- What about you? What's
next for the great Dan Egan?
- Any job leads?
- I thought about teaching high school,
but, I mean, girls these days
just can't keep a secret.
- You see Jane's up to her old tricks?
- Mm-mm.
Yeah, she's telling Page Six that
she and Brie are clam slamming.
Vaginas are so gross.
I wish I didn't have one.
Sometimes I forget I do.
Yeah, yeah, we all do.
Get you one more of these?
I gotta get up in the morning, early,
'cause Selina's...
- Yeah, make it a double.
- Atta girl.
Jaffar: So, we will go to Paris first.
Goody!
We'll figure out where
we wanna go next.
Hey, listen, can you call somebody
to bring me some fresh towels?
- More towels? How many towels are you...
- Yes, I need them.
Breaking news from the
"Washington Post."
Buried among many new scandalous acts
- from the Meyer Presidency...
- Oh, no.
comes the revelation that
it was President Selina Meyer
and not President Laura Montez
who negotiated with the Chinese
president to free Tibet.
- Jaffar!
- Sources close to...
- What is the matter? What's going on?
- No, no, look!
They know! They finally know it's me!
- Oh, my gosh!
- Yeah!
Well, the history books
are being rewritten,
and this time, it's not Texas
saying Satan made fossils.
Yes, he did.
- What?
- Ma'am, it is everywhere!
This is the best day we've had
since I started working for you.
I guess it was actually
good I lost the diary.
Ma'am, we're getting requests for
confirmation from all the big Tibetan papers,
except for the "Lhasa Express," though.
They're playing their usual games.
- Well, whatever.
- This is amazing.
Nobody is talking about
any of the other stuff!
God bless the media and their "fly
hitting a windshield" attention span!
- Mike: I know!
- Leon West is on "CBS This Morning" right now.
Selina: Oh, my God, put
it on really quick.
Even you would admit that
freeing Tibet from Chinese rule
is a monumental achievement.
- Yes, it was.
- Leon: No, that was a fluke.
That was a success despite an
almost pathological level...
President Meyer's discretion
speaks well of her.
Yeah!
Take that cum shot in
all four eyes, Leon.
You should've taken Amy and walked away.
- Hmm?
- Nothing.
If she were a man, you would
call that confidence.
Yeah, tell it, sister!
Kick him in the cunt.
I adore Jane McCabe.
a heroine for our times.
Montez is not gonna be happy.
It's gonna put a real
turd in her chalupa.
Oh, we should get Mexican for lunch.
President Meyer's office. Yale
University president's office?
- Oh.
- Okay, and she knows what this is regarding, Yale?
Give me that. I'm talking.
Hello, this is President Meyer.
Jim! How are you?
Oh, absolutely.
We'll have your office get
in touch with my office.
We're very interested
in discussing that.
You, too. Bye-bye.
- (laughs)
- Well?
Guess who is interested,
all of a sudden,
in the Selina Meyer
Presidential Library.
Shut up!
- Andrew.
- Selina: What?
- Your ex.
- No. Yale!
- I thought you went to Smith.
- No, it's in the book that you wrote.
- Right, right, right, right.
- (all laughing)
Oh, my God, I'm gonna get upset!
- I'm so moved by this!
- You just started tearing down Mee-Maw's house.
- Well, that's Catherine's problem.
- Okay.
Hey, Kent, free at last, free at last.
I've been fired three times in my life...
from the US Postal Service
Office of Investigations,
by the Seattle Seahawks,
and by Jonah Ryan.
I cried each time. This
time, it was tears of joy.
Good for you.
Well, good timing
because we're in print
as genius operators.
You know, this could be an opportunity.
I might get my teeth re-whitened.
Maybe we could start a new business,
take our shit show on the road.
Yeah, easier than explaining
yards after the catch to Steve Largent.
If we do this, though,
one rule... no McLintock.
No shit. So, what do you think?
The three Meyersketeers hang a shingle?
I am gonna bid you farewell
because this face
belongs in broadcasting
and I start a new gig tomorrow.
Drinks are on you. Bye.
You'll be sorry.
I thought you were taking
the family to Italy.
They're in Italy.
Woman: Hey, wake up.
Can you hear me?
- There you go. Hi.
- Am I Jewish?
Your circumcision was a success, Mr.
Ryan.
If you notice any swelling, let me know,
and no erection for six weeks.
Well, I don't know how I'm
not gonna get it hard
when I'm talking about my hog
with some hot "shiska" nurse.
I'm your doctor, and it's shiksa.
- I'll check on you later.
- I'm pretty sure it's "shiska."
- I'm leaving.
- How are you doing?
I don't know.
Babe, so far, being Jewish really sucks.
Will you pass me one of
those ice packs, please?
- Here you go, sweetie.
- Thank you.
At least your dick won't smell
like donkey pussy anymore.
Oh, God, I told you
that was expired lube.
Oh, and there's someone here to see you.
- Hello, Jonie.
- Ugh, fuck. Hello, Uncle Jeff.
Now, why do you think I'm here?
To wish me a speedy recovery?
No, wishes belong in
the bottom of a well
with unwanted girl children.
Actually, I'm here to thank you.
Well, fine, you're welcome for whatever.
For shitting the urinal so badly,
you made the Hindenburg look like
a normal, on-time blimp landing.
Uncle Jeff, people loved the shutdown...
Shut the fuck up, you
epileptic Picasso painting!
Uh, you can't talk to him like that.
(mocking) Uh, you can't
talk to him like that.
Who is this tranny knuckle-dragger?
Somebody you hired to make
sure you don't get erections?
That tranny knuckle-dragger
is my fiancée.
- Jonah!
- Her name is Shawnee Tanz,
and you will treat her with respect.
- Tanz as in Sherman Tanz?
- That's right. He's my father.
Oh, royalty.
Well, I suppose I should say I'm sorry.
Thank you.
Sorry you're even related
to that human melted candle
who puts the Jew in
"why people hate Jews."
Tell me this, did he
sell your training bras
as cum rags to the sex
offenders in his prisons?
Listen up, Ms. Tranz,
as of today, Jonie here
is down three points
to that wop wonder Di Vicentis,
so I am pulling this creature
from the jizz lagoon
right off the New Hampshire
congressional ballot
and replacing him with his cousin, Ezra.
What... mm... what?
Ezra has more raw political talent
in the tip of his rosy-head pecker
than you have in this mangled
abortion coat hanger
you should be ashamed to call your body.
The people of New Hampshire are
gonna be so grateful to me,
I'm gonna be like a disability check
wrapped around a pack of
no-filter cigarettes.
- See you around, Jonie.
- Wait, can he really do that?
Take your name off the ballot?
Yeah, he owns, like,
all these old people.
(clears throat) Jonah,
I have been thinking,
um, you know, I think I wanna
slow things down with us.
Okay, yeah, that makes sense. My
teachers had to do that all the time.
No, with us... you and me.
What?
(cackling)
- She's dumping you!
- Shut the fuck up, Uncle Jeff.
- She's not dumping me.
- Oh, no, I am.
I've been having doubts
for a little while.
(cackling)
Uncle Jeff, shut up!
What do you mean a little while?
What the fuck does that even mean?
Is that before or after
I scheduled the surgery
to cut my dick off so
you could marry me?
Uncle Jeff, come on!
I'm so glad I came in
person and didn't call.
- (cackling continues)
- Goodbye, Jonah.
Sorry.
- Come on, honey, I'll walk you out.
- Oh, that's nice of you.
- Are you parked in the garage?
- Yeah, I'm just outside.
Oh, that's...
Shawnee, wait...
- (heart monitor beeping)
- (PA chatter)
Okay, come on.
(screaming)
Ow! Nurse!
Leon West just called
for the seventh time.
He says he wants you to...
He wants to gargle my
nuts and tickle my taint?
- Tell him to get in line.
- Oh, ma'am, the publisher said
we're getting some book reviews in.
Oh, the "Lhasa Express"
gives it five namastes.
- Now, what are you doing?
- Don't worry about it.
- They're ready for you, ma'am.
- Selina: Oh.
- Gary: That's Bethany.
- Okay, thank you, Tiffany.
- I'm going!
- Amy: Knock 'em dead, ma'am.
- Thank you!
- Have fun.
How long have you been working
for "The Tonight Show"?
- About a month.
- Richard: Hey, ma'am.
Ma'am, Catherine's in an ambulance.
- She's having some bad bleeding.
- Oh, my God, on the couch?
- Did they put the garbage bags down?
- I don't know.
- Okay, and?
- One of us should go?
Well, what are you standing here for?
- You're the donor.
- Oh, father.
- Do you need to leave?
- Where do I stand?
- Oh, right there on the mark.
- On the thing? Okay. Thank you.
- Man: Good luck, ma'am.
- Hi. How are you?
the first woman to hold
the office of the president.
If that's not enough, she's
written an autobiography...
"A Woman First: First Woman."
- Ladies and gentlemen,
please help me welcome...
- (gasps)
- President Selina Meyer! Selina!
- (cheering, applause)
Hey! Ah! Whoo! How about that?
- Hello.
- Hey. Great.
- Thank you so much for coming.
- Thank you!
How about this, a real president!
A real president.
- Where to?
- 53rd and 3rd, please.
- (sighs)
- (jingle plays)
Hi, there. Welcome to "CBS This Ride."
I'm your host, Dan Egan,
- bringing you exclusive content...
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
Off.
right here in New
York City Yellow Cabs.
Sir, how do you... I can't
get the screen to go off.
Come on, how the fuck do
you turn this thing off?!
There's an off... you see the off button?
All right, you know what? You know what?
I wanna get out. Shut the fuck up!
Sir, can you calm down, please?
Broadway is your scene,
Fringe Festival's in town.
God damn it. Ben, it's me.
- Driver: Hey, you gonna pay?
- I'm in.
I did wanna clear the
air about one thing.
Sure.
Earlier this week, you
were booked on the show.
You had to cancel, which,
to us, is like, you know,
she's the President of
the United... who cares?
We're fine with it. You have so
many more important things to do...
- Well, thank you.
- than our stupid show
that we put together
with Scotch tape here.
No, it's a great show.
- No, I love this show.
- And then there was speculation
that you did so because
you were embarrassed
about some salacious news
stories about your trainer.
Yes, in sleeping with my trainer,
- I did not exercise good judgment.
- (audience laughs)
Wow.
Ha, ha, ha! (imitates sword slashing)
Zinger!
Actually, what I really
would love to talk about,
um, is Tibet.
- Yeah, absolutely, Madam President.
- The deal that we brokered.
But before that,
just in honor of your new book...
- Oh, sure.
- "A Woman First: First Woman."
Is that the final title
or are you, uh...?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, that... mm-hmm. (chuckles)
- It's a little pun.
- It is a pun, kind of.
By the way, this is quite
a photo on the cover.
- It's really, really nice.
- Thank you.
Do I need, like, special glasses
- to be able to see this in focus?
- No, no!
Or how does this work?
It just came out today, and
we thought it would be fun,
in honor of you canceling on us,
to have some children come out here.
They'll read you some
of our favorite reviews
- of your book.
- Oh, neat!
Because as any parent knows,
kids read the darndest
things off of cue cards.
That's right. So, kids, could
you come out here, please?
- Oh, so cute.
- Yeah, very cute.
Starting up here, we've got
Ella, who is age nine.
"'The New York Times' says,
'We've been stunned by the revelations
and achievements of the Meyer presidency
over the last few days.
Why aren't they in the book?'"
Host: That's not a bad question.
Next up, Melanie, age eight.
"'Publisher Weekly' calls it
'Scattered and disjointed,
much like the Meyer presidency.'"
- Okay, next up, we got Ruby, age 10.
- Wow.
"The 'New York Post'
says, 'Remainder City.'"
- (host chuckles) Whoa.
- Can we play "What's...
What's in the Bag"?
Let's guess what's in the bag.
We played that last night
when you weren't here.
- Ah.
- We've got Elliot, age 10.
Elliot: "'The New Yorker' called
it 'A trite, monotonous tune
that's as inconsequential as any...'"