Veep (2012–…): Season 6, Episode 8 - Judge - full transcript

Selina takes a trip; Dan woos Jonah to get a coveted interview; Amy convinces Selina to put her in charge of a very disorganized Mike.

- Sync and corrections by Mr. C -
- www.addic7ed.com -

Oh, Kentucky fried Christ!

It's like Satan's humidor out here.
My God!

Flying a thousand miles to Alabama.

I mean, is anyone as shocked
as I am that I'm doing this?

Well, I'm easily shocked, so
probably not the best person to ask.

- So, here we are! My boyhood home.
- What?!

Ma'am, I gotta tell you,
you coming to my birthday

is what gave me the strength to
get through that heart attack...

- You're welcome.
- and when I had my relapse.

You had a relapse?



Oh, I thought you were just being lazy.

Hey, Gary, how come your
family doesn't have

a Mongoloid kid on the
porch playing banjo?

'Cause he grew up and moved to DC.

- Ah, Mama!
- Gary Walsh, you get on up here!

It's like he's never
seen his mother before.

Ma'am, Tanz and the other donors
are getting really restless

about this lack of
progress on the library,

so we need to get some new money ASAP

or we have to give back the old money.

- That's a real snatch-22.
- Yeah.

And also, we have another email

from Jaffar in New York.
"I need to see you."

Just email him back a hard no,



but make it sound kind of sexy
so he knows what he's missing.

Why am I asking somebody who has
sex one and a half times a year

to do that?

- Hello!
- Mama, okay...

- Oh, you must be Amy.
- This is... yes.

- Hi, nice to meet you.
- And you obviously are Richard.

- 'Cause of the glasses, yeah.
- And, Madam President, it's...

Yes.

It... it's an honor to have
you at our humble home.

It is such a... a treat to
be here in Lynch City.

It's White City. We
couldn't afford Lynch City.

- All right.
- Where's Judge?

- Your dad's a judge?
- Oh, no! No.

Judge isn't back yet from his
hunting trip with Stewart.

Stewart? I don't remember Stewart.

- Stewart's the new Bobby.
- Oh!

He's always grooming some new associate

- in his law firm.
- Maybe we can go inside.

He takes his boys real, real seriously.

- Hi, honey.
- Happy birthday, Gary!

Catherine and Mr.
Marjorie have been here

and they've been keeping me in stitches!

- Okay, it's a lady.
- Oh.

We're finishing up President
Meyer's memoir this week...

- No one is gonna read that.
- and darn it

if I haven't been bitten
by the writing bug.

I wanna write a syndicated humor column

like Dave Barry or Erma.

Mike, do you have any awareness
of what's been happening

with newspapers in the last 10 years?

Not at all. I mean, truth is I
don't even get 'em anymore.

I just read the news on my phone.

It's so much better and it's free.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Let me just give you a little taste

- of the McLintock prose, okay?
- Oh, God.

"The other day, I found
my daughter, Ellen,

sitting in her closet
eating cello bow rosin."

- Creepy.
- "So, I sat her down and we dialogued."

- That's not a word.
- "And we agreed that it was okay

for her to sit in her closet

and it was okay for her to
eat cello bow rosin"...

- It's not.
- "but it was not okay

for her to do both at the same time.

I think we both found that
solution very 'rosinable.'"

Okay, well, Mike...

if I hear of anything,
I'll let you know.

Thank you so much, Leon.
I owe you big-time.

And you know what, I'll send
you a couple McLintock morsels

just to whet your appetite.

I do not want you to do that.

- I will.
- Don't.

- I'm gonna.
- No.

I can't believe

y'all are in my house!

I know, I can't believe it either.

I promise this party is
gonna be so elegant.

- Very "New South."
- Yes.

What does that mean? No butt-fucking Ned
Beatty till the after party, I guess.

No, there is gonna be a raw bar.

- And the very best Southern chef.
- Thank you.

Yes, who hasn't said the
N-word on television.

- Oh, that's good.
- Yeah.

Ma'am, I really think
that we need to discuss

my doing something other
than the library.

It's just...

Do you have any social
skills whatsoever?

I mean, my God, Amy, we're
in the middle of visiting

with what's-his-ass's family here.

- Aw, so nice.
- Hey, birthday boy, I need my purse.

- I gotta get my eye drops.
- Well, hello to the house!

- Oh, there he is! Judge is home.
- Hey, honey.

Well, well, well, look at that!

Hey, everybody, not home an hour

and Gary's carrying a Jimmy Choo purse.

- Oh.
- Some things never change, huh?

It's for the president.
The president, Judge.

- Oh, the president!
- Yes.

Hey, I was just joshing with ya.

- I was joshing with ya.
- Ah! I know, okay.

- Don't tear up, now.
- I'm not.

You'll ruin your mascara.

- Hey! Hello.
- Hello, Mr. Walsh.

I did not vote for you, but
I do respect the office.

Okay, well, you didn't have to say that,

- but thank you very much.
- I understand.

You know what, I saw that Tom James

being interviewed on the
television about the two of you.

- Oh, good. You saw that?
- Yeah, I did.

My God, that's a good-looking man.

Looks like he works out.

- Where are my manners?
- Does he work out?

I'm gonna show you your rooms
so you can freshen up.

And, you two girls, I'm sorry.

You're gonna have to share
that room downstairs.

- I hope you don't mind.
- Oh, of course. We usually...

Da, da, da, da, da, da. Coming, Mama!

Madam President, the two of you
will be in separate bedrooms

since you're not official yet.

- Mama!
- What?

- Nope, nothing.
- Oh, look at this.

- You kept Gary's crib.
- It's not Gary's.

- It's his brother Bruce's.
- Oh, I didn't know you had a brother.

Brue was his stillborn twin.

- He had a huge heart.
- Missing all its valves, though.

- Here we go again!
- When Gary was in high school,

I used to say Bruce still had a better
chance of making the football team.

Them's fighting words.

Madam President, we're gonna
leave you to get settled.

Oh, Gary, can you stay
behind for a second?

We have some scheduling things.

- I can't sleep in here.
- I know.

- And your father comes off a little...
- Hard on me, I know.

- That, too.
- Mm-hmm.

Wow, no wonder I couldn't
carry the South.

I mean, none of the polling research

mentioned a dead son's ghost crib.

The ghost is gone.

- Hmm?
- I mean, at least we think it's gone.

Sometimes you hear crying, but
that's usually just Mama.

I'm gonna sleep in your mom's
room or your dad's room.

Okay, okay. How did you know
they sleep in separate rooms?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll tell you something, if I had a
crib for every baby who died inside me,

- I could open up a Pottery Barn Kids.
- Aha.

The Daylight Savings
Time-loving bureaucrats

have been "punching the clock"

on the taxpayers' dime for too long.

Well, now it's time for
me to punch a clock...

with a hammer.

At least while the
government's shut down,

we won't have to pay taxes.

- That's not how it works.
- Oh!

Homeless people...

our very own Dan Egan goes undercover

in our fourth installment of...

"Life on the Streets,
Tears in the Gutter."

We're back in two. Guys, let's talk.

I don't know how to say this to you,
Danny, but the network is not happy.

We need a game changer.

Okay, well, I mean, we
could go back to fucking.

Well, I wanted to wait till
after the wedding, but...

They want you to get an interview
with the head of the Jeffersons.

- I'm not doing it.
- Your job depends on it.

- I'm not doing it.
- 10 seconds.

You are fucking doing it,

because I am not going back
to Yahoo fucking Style!

And up next, a long-lost
letter from WWII

finally delivered, ending
a 60-year marriage.

Good morning, uh...

Amy, Richard, and Madam President.

Amy, Richard, Madam President.

- Good morning...
- Judge and Imogene.

Judge and Imogene.

So, how are the plans coming

- for the, um...
- 40th.

- 40th?
- The crystal came in today

and I am just like, ah!

Uh, Gary, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go fetch the papers.

Now, see, look at that.

Look... Madam President,
with all due respect,

the government should get shut down.

Uh-huh.

And that's the kind of
man I could get behind,

but the bowtie makes him look queer.

Um, Mike, when did you get here?

- Just a couple minutes ago, Ma'am.
- Oh.

I got this really cheap flight.

- Had, like, four layovers.
- I'm really sorry I asked that question.

I really got here three hours early

because we had to make an
emergency landing in Birmingham

because some guy took a
poo on the beverage cart.

And, no, it wasn't me.

I'm actually really blocked
up from all the travel.

And by the way, these
biscuits are amazing.

- Oh, thank you, Mike.
- Ma'am, do you think that Mike

- could benefit from closer supervision?
- She's not wrong.

You know what, Amy, you are now in
charge of finishing the book with Mike.

And, Richard, you're in
charge of the library.

- What just happened?
- You're in charge of the library.

- We're still doing that?
- Yeah!

- I better get to work, then.
- Good luck.

- Thanks.
- Well, we should get going.

We're actually doing
a "herstorical" tour

of great Southern female writers.

And where they killed themselves.

Catherine, you know,
everybody just woke up

- and they don't wanna hear about...
- Just get in there!

All right, Madam President,

I found this person of interest
lurking around out there.

- In a Ferrari.
- Yeah.

You're kidding me. What is this?

I tried to explain to him that Birmingham
ranks low on the jihadi to-do list.

Did you tell him your
first name was Mohammad?

- No.
- I can vouch for him for the most part.

- That's fine with me.
- Let's get to work, Mike.

Roll those sleeves up
to your pit stains.

I need to talk to you in private.

- This is so inappropriate.
- Excuse us.

- It's not in here.
- What?

- I don't have my diary.
- Then look harder!

- It's gotta be in there!
- Shit.

Mike, that diary is all you're good for.

The diary should've lost you.

Every detail of every day in the
White House was in that diary.

Where do you think you might've left it?

I did stop to eat at this truck stop
diner driving up from Birmingham.

- No, you just ate breakfast now.
- No, I'm on DC time.

It's an hour's difference! Let's go!

Oh, good, they have great pancakes.
We'll split a stack.

I don't understand. What
are you even doing here?

Your man Richard told me to come down.

I had some business in the Gulf with
Sturges Energy, but I had to see you.

Oh, please, suddenly now
white lives matter?

- I mean, I just...
- I'm sorry for how I behaved,

but everything is different now that
my father's died of colon cancer,

praise be to Allah.

Plus, our family's got a brand-new imam

who's just a lot more chill.

I mean, I can engage in homosexual acts

with the entire writing
staff of Charlie Hebdo

and nobody would say boo.

Well, you're getting me all wet now.

- No, no, I didn't...
- Hey, did you say Sturges Energy?

I did.

Who donated that whole
wing to Hughes's library?

Yeah, Quartie and I are dear friends.

Our houses share a beach
path and a vineyard.

We don't let the public
use it, of course.

You had me at beach path.

Yeah, Carly Simon is on the other side.

You know, she has this tree. It just
sort of hangs over the property line.

Could you do me a favor? You
think you could talk to Quartie

about maybe donating a
few mil to my library?

I'll make that call for you.

Mm-mm, I haven't forgiven you yet.

- Why? Come on.
- No. Plus, we're in Gary's house

and this whole place is like a
vortex of sexual confusion.

- I mean, witness. This...
- Oh, my God.

Hey, Dan, look at my sandwich.

Remind you of Jane?

I really gotta stop
these weekly lunches.

Should've kept the old gray mare.

Your ratings ain't what they used to be.

I hear your days are numbered, boy-o.

Oh, this just might be the phone
call that changes all that.

- Hey!
- Hold for Congressman Ryan.

- Lower the capital gains tax.
- MSNBC and Bloomberg are on hold.

Deregulate the financial industry.

Deregulate the... deregulate everything!

- Congressman.
- Thank you.

Dan Egan, to what do I owe
the pleasure of this...

there is no fucking way I
am going on your show!

- Jonah.
- Hold for Congressman Ryan.

Don't budge on the debt ceiling until you
get a private meeting with the president.

You're a freshman congressman who still
uses his mother's Netflix password.

There's no way you're gonna
get a meeting with Montez,

no matter what Fyvush
Fuckhole here says.

Well, Fyvush Fuckhole disagrees.

We're gonna hold out for the meeting.

I'll be in my car getting drunk.

Hi, Danny. I want tickets
to a certain Broadway show

that's impossible to get tickets to...

Turn Off the Dark."

That... that show closed years ago.

Hold for the congressman. I
have another offer coming.

No, wait! Jonah, I will give
you the questions in advance.

Fuck!

Four tickets to "Spider-Man:
Turn Off the Dark"?

No problemo. It'll be right
after the interview.

- Best seats in the house.
- Shit! Give... no, no. Hey, Jonah.

Jonah, hang up on him.
Greg is basic cable...

Are these from Trader Joe's?
They're delicious.

Oh, no, they're from Costco.

I get them in a five-gallon bucket.

Look, Jonah, just tell me what you want.

I want you and I to party like we did

back when we were best friends.

Uh, when ex... uh... yes.

Yes! Done-zo!

Well, then, I guess we have a deal.

You said on-air that Bruce Hornsby
was a member of the Grateful Dead.

He was a touring member from '90 to '92.
He never officially joined.

I wonder if we should get married
in the fall or at New Year's.

- Oh, I always thought...
- I was talking to my father.

Ma'am, will you be
okay with Congressman Ryan?

- Alone?
- She'll... what? She'll be fine!

Actually, why don't you stay, Candi?

Jesus Christ, it's not like
I'm gonna rape the president.

- Oh!
- I'm sorry, did you just say

you aren't going to rape the president?

Of course I'm not. Why
would I say I would?

- Why would you say you wouldn't?
- Because I wouldn't!

I think maybe your people
should come in, too.

- Gentlemen!
- What did he do, Ma'am?

Nothing! I didn't do anything!

Well, he threatened to
not rape the president.

Yeah, that's not a threat,
that's a promise.

Okay, Congressman,

first of all, let me congratulate you.

You have accomplished more in one month

than most extremely stupid
people do in a lifetime.

- That's very kind of you to say, Ma'am.
- Shut the fuck up.

This is my final offer, all right?

Tell Tanz he can have his deregulation

of the payday loan industry,

tripling of the private
prison tax incentives...

Nice.

And the sentencing reform
rollbacks for the mentally ill.

And you'll get rid of
Daylight Savings Time?

- Oh, my...
- Saving.

I cannot do that.

That is an impossible request.

- Why, because I'm Jewish?
- Excuse me?

- He's not Jewish yet, Ma'am.
- Yeah, but I only have two months left

of those Jiffy Jew classes.

And after that, it's snip, snip, snip.

- Wow.
- And as an almost-Jew,

I will not stand by with
this anti-almost-Semitism.

Why don't you take it up with
the Anti-Defamation League?

- The fuck is that?
- Wow! Okay.

My offer's not gonna be
on the table for long.

Good afternoon, gentlemen.

Wow, Gary!

- What is this crystal?
- I know!

It's Vintage Baccarat.

- It's really gorgeous.
- Selina.

- Hi.
- Yeah.

- So, I just heard back from Quartie.
- Right, and?

- He was intrigued but reluctant.
- Oh!

- Why? What?
- He's one of those real good ol' boys

and he thinks that you're
a little Upper East Side.

Are you kidding me? Me?

- Yeah. You know, like a snob.
- You've gotta be kidding me.

Well, like Eva Gabor in "Green Acres."

You had "Green Acres" in Qatar?

Oh, yes, but they censored all
the scenes with Arnold Ziffel.

You know, I'm technically
from the South.

- Oh, is that right?
- Yeah, Maryland had slaves.

They just didn't secede.

- So, they had it both ways?
- Like Gary's dad.

You know what, Gary?

Can we invite Quartie to your party?

- Ooh, that's a good idea.
- Give the good ol' boy a good ol' time?

It's kind of a sit-down dinner, so.

- Yeah, but, I mean...
- Who cares?

- Yeah.
- Party on.

- Great!
- Okay!

I'll show that oil-splatted cow-fucker

that I'm open-minded and nonjudgmental.

I love it.

Hey, Gary?

I'm wondering if a sit-down dinner
is a little stuffy these days.

What? No.

- Well...
- Maybe.

I wanna look at the menu.

And I gotta say I'm not
sure this crystal is right.

- I think it's a little elitist.
- I know!

- But not in a good way.
- Oh.

- Yeah, let's get rid of it.
- Oh.

But make a mental note of
exactly what this pattern is

'cause maybe we'll rent
it for my birthday.

Do you know that if
30,000 more people in Alabama

had gone to the polls instead of smoking
off-brand cigarettes

off-brand cigarettes through their neck
holes at riverboat casino slot machines,

we would be working at the
White House right now

instead of hunting for your
diary at a fucking truck stop

in which I guarantee we are the
only people who are not here

to score speed or get
their assholes licked.

Well, after I ate, I went
right to the bathroom

because things started
loosening up, you know.

- Whenever I drink coffee, usually...
- I do not need details!

Okay, let's see here.

Ha ha!

- Bingo!
- Oh, God, thank you!

Got it. My jacket.

- And?
- And what?

Oh, no diary. Fuck!

Mike, I am going to choke you to
death with your urine-soaked jacket.

It's not urine, okay? It's probably
just water from the urinal.

- Let's go.
- Hang on.

God, Jesus! I can tell you that the
diary is not in your ass crack

because I have had a very good view

of the strawberry fields
for the last hour.

Look, I lost my belt, okay?

When I went through
security at Dulles, I...

I left it at security.

Maybe the diary's there.

Okay, now we're going to Dulles.

- Can we get a quick stack of pancakes?
- No!

What about my look and my makeup?

I was thinking a smoky bronze eye.

Okay, yeah, good.

Well, well, look at you...

big-shot Washington insider

making like an Avon lady.

- Well, the president...
- Don't interrupt me, boy!

Smoky bronze eye?

God, don't you know that
woman needs a pop of color?

Classic red lip.

- That's what she needs.
- Hmm.

- Ma'am.
- How are you?

Mm-hmm.

You can't let your father
talk to you like that.

He's always interrupting
you and insulting you.

You're absolutely right. I've got to...

You have to stand up
for yourself, stupid.

I'm gonna tell you something that
I haven't told anybody but Mama.

Dear Lord.

And I'm gonna tell it
tonight at the party.

When I was a kid, I was a
bit of a tomboy, okay?

What?

All I wanted to do was go
hunting with Judge, that's it.

But he was always off with Teddy,
who was kind of the first Bobby

- and all this kind of stuff.
- Yeah, I think you need to...

But then on my 10th birthday,

he finally took me out hunting.

And then all of a sudden, this
squirrel just popped out.

Wow! I squeezed my eyes
shut, I pulled the trigger.

Well, the recoil just
knocked me out cold.

- Oh.
- When I came to,

the judge was standing
over me with a squirrel.

- You were passed out?
- Yeah.

- And he was standing over you?
- Yeah.

Did you have your pants on?

Of course I did.
What are you talking about?

But listen, what the judge doesn't know

is that when I was lying
down, I kind of saw

that he pulled the squirrel
out of his pocket.

I didn't hit anything.

He just wanted me to feel like a man.

He had a dead animal in his
pocket the whole time?

And you know what I did with it?

I skinned it and I made a fur vest

and matching boots for my G.I. Joe doll.

Bam, sucker!

Neat.

- Ma'am?
- Yeah.

Mike and Amy texted that they had to
head up to the National Archives.

Okay. Richard, what do you
know about jug bands?

- Everything.
- Ugh, what would I do without you?

Well, vice versa, Ma'am, so.

I will tell you one thing...

I think Judge was right
about the lip color.

- He always is.
- Yeah.

Jonah, you have to
take the Montez deal.

I never thought you'd
last more than a week,

but right now, you could piss
on every grave in Arlington

and still get reelected in November.

Fuck Daylight Savings Time, all right?

Just take the deal and you
could be governor or senator

or, God help us, who knows?

Thank you for your input.
It's very much appreciated.

You can clean out your office.

I don't have an office. I
share a desk with Kent.

Well, then you can clean
out your half-desk.

- It's empty.
- You're fired.

- Okay.
- All right.

- See you around never, Ben...
- Cafferty.

Yeah.

- Am I fired, too, or...?
- No, no.

Very well.

Quartie's gonna love this. Yeah.

Ma'am, this doesn't seem right.

- No.
- Yeah, let's lose it.

- All right, losing the flag.
- No, no, no, the birthday sign.

- Oh.
- Selina, look who I found.

- Who are all these people?
- Your guests!

- Hello!
- Madam President,

let me introduce you to Quartie Sturges.

Quartie, President Meyer.

You need to call me Selina.

- Okay?
- All right, Selina.

It is so nice to see you south
of the Mason-Dixon line

without your campaign bus behind you.

I think you're teasing me.

You know, President Hughes said
the nicest things about you.

Oh, my goodness, I wish I
could say the same thing.

We need a drink.

- I'm seven years sober, Ma'am.
- Uh-oh!

You know, my mother was an alcoholic.

She was a real mean drunk.

Are you mean when you drink?

Occasionally.

I get that sense.

What is this? This is the
biggest one you could get?

It's only got four wheels and there's
no fucking hot tub in the back.

Just get in the car before
someone sees us, Malcolm No-Sex.

- It's all right, playa.
- Okay, fine.

- Damn.
- Yeah.

We're gonna fuck bitches
till they in stitches.

Actually, I'm just kidding.
I got engaged.

- Did you hear that?
- Is she a foreigner?

No, just Jewish.

Oh, what's up now? 9-11, bitches!

We're gonna fly two
planes into the club!

Next stop, "Green-wich" Village!
Here we go, let's go!

Let's go... oh, fuck! Hey,
you could've killed me!

That's the problem
with you New Yorkers...

you don't appreciate fine weaponry

in your Bloomingdale's and your Zabar's.

- Quartie, I'm a country girl.
- Uh-huh.

Okay? I think you keep forgetting that

like you forgot to clean up that
oil spill of yours in the Gulf.

- Very good, very good.
- Okay, okay. Good, good.

You know, this band hasn't played
together since the Great Washboard Feud.

- Is that so?
- Mm-hmm.

Hey, Brian. Brian, Beth!

Where you guys going? You're
the only people I know left.

We're just uncomfortable around
so many Confederate flags.

- And the lawn jockeys.
- Sorry.

- Happy birthday.
- Oh, thank you, thank you.

- Gary?
- Yeah?

- Not a lot of vegetarian options.
- I know.

I'm sorry, Marjorie.

Oh, God, what a mean face.

Yeah. Hush up, y'all.

I just wanna say a few words for
Gary Walsh's 40th birthday.

Who's Gary?

Like Gary, I, too, was born in the glory

that is the deep south... of Maryland.

So, you know, Gary and I
both have our swimming holes

and our fishing holes and all the
holes you could ever possibly want.

Right, Quartie?

But I wanna tell you this
one particular story

that's one of my favorite
Southern memories.

It's when my daddy first
took me hunting for rabbits.

And I gotta tell you, my
rifle was bigger than I was.

I was just a tiny, little thing.

But the Second Amendment certainly
did guarantee my right to use it.

- Ho! Damn straight, huh?
- That's right.

So, anyway, I aim my shotgun
at one of those rascals

and, gosh darn it, the recoil
plumb knocked me on my behind.

I'm learning so much
about Selina tonight.

- Sure enough, when I came to...
- Me, too.

I should update her Wikipedia page.

Showed me the rabbit that I shot.

But what my daddy didn't know...

and I'm sorry if I get a little
emotional telling this story...

is that I saw him pull that
dead rabbit out of his pocket.

He just wanted to make his little girl

as happy as a hound dog
with a horse's Johnson.

Aw!

But at any rate, happy birthday, Gary.

And I think the birthday boy
would like to say a few words.

Would you like to say a few words, Gar?

Gary, you wanna come up?

- No.
- No? Oh!

I think he's feeling a little shy,

so, um, thank you all so much,

and y'all enjoy the party
and have a good time.

- Yeah!
- Well, all right!

Thank you! Thank you.

- That was amazing.
- Yeah.

As my father used to say,

"If that speech was a
horse, it'd be a unicorn."

"Magical!"

I wanna put that rabbit
story in the book.

Actually, Amy's in charge of the book.

- Amy's not in charge of anything.
- I wish I had a pen.

I just remembered I have
a photographic memory.

Oh, perfect! Perfect, perfect.

- Can I talk to you just a second?
- I wanna talk to you, too.

- Yeah.
- Gary, I'm so sorry.

- Yeah, yeah.
- We have run out of bourbon,

so do you think we could borrow some of
your daddy's bourbon from his stash?

- Yeah.
- Yeah? Good, good.

Great, great.

I think that went well.

There you are. I've been look...

Oh, my God. I'm... I'm so sorry.

There... there's no food here, and
the baby and I just got so hungry,

and I need you to not be mad at me because
I just... I just had... I had one bite.

Brought you a second plate
with extra pork chops.

Imogene, not now.

I don't know who you are anymore.

Stewart, is that you?

Jesus, Mary, and Robert E. Lee, Gary!

- You startled me.
- What are you doing...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no.
You snooping on me?

- No, I wasn't snooping...
- Oh, and what are you doing?

Did your lady boss send you down
to get her "tampoons," did she?

No, that's not till next week.

- Where you going? Hey, where you going?
- Excuse me.

I tell you, if more people would've seen
that side of you during the election,

my God, you would've gotten their
vote and you would've gotten mine.

I think you probably would've won.

Well, I'm telling you something,

I wanna talk to you, Quartie, about
the library that I'm planning now.

- It's a...
- Gary, don't you walk away from me, boy!

I ain't through with you yet.

That's my son, I guess.

Nail buffer to the lady president.

Just shut up, Daddy!

I am so sick of you lording over me

how much you know about
football and hair color

and how much better dead
baby Bruce is than me!

I know all about you.

I know your secret.

You are... you are a bully!

- No, that's not it.
- You're a big, fat, flaming bully!

And you know what, you
can take Teddy and Bobby

and Stewart and the other Bobby,

and you can be their daddy!

- Eh, getting warmer.
- Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna slow dance with Mama.

Mama.

Of course, Gary. Hey, everybody eat!

Danny, where the fuck were you?

I've been trying to call you all night.

A... it's Dan, and B...

I don't have my phone because
this morning's guest

dropped it over the side
of the Staten Island Ferry

while pretending to be Melanie
Griffith in "Working Girl."

Scrappiest underdog
in cinematic history.

Congressman Ryan, welcome back.

We painted the green
room green this time

so there wouldn't be any confusion.

Oh, perfect. Thank you, yeah.

Hey, handsome.

Let the record state I
did try to call you.

What is the Host of
Christmas Past doing here?

- Our interview. Checkers, bitch.
- Are you fucking kidding me?!

Dan, you've heard the old saying,

"You gotta keep your friends close

and make your enemies take you out

to Guy Fieri's restaurant
in Times Square."

You're giving her the interview?

I absolutely am because I hate
your stupid, perfect face,

and when I was in high school,
I used to pretend to be sick

to stay home and jerk
off to Jane McCabe.

I just can't hear that story enough.

- Thank you, Congressman.
- You're welcome.

Dan, great to see you.
I had fun last night.

- Congressman.
- It was fun.

- Come on with me.
- Be right with you.

Well, congratulations, Jane.

- Yeah.
- You finally fucked me.

In the face.

Do you know how expensive it is

to freeze your eggs?

- That's why you should adopt, Amy.
- I'm not adopting.

The other day, Ellen was in her
closet, eating cello bow rosin...

I really don't care, Mike.

- Okay, all right. Never mind.
- Just... I really don't care.

Here it is!

Oh, my God, my house keys!

This is the luckiest day ever!

- Did you guys find a belt?
- No belts.

Wait, this is Leon West's diary.

What?

Oh, my God, it is.

So, where's yours?

And the little boy with
the broken roller skates?

He grew up to be Egyptian
President Anwar Sadat.

- Who, sadly, was assassinated.
- Mm.

And now it's my pleasure to welcome back

an old, old friend,

senior correspondent Jane McCabe.

If you don't already know
my first guest's name,

- you've been hiding under a rock.
- Uh, it's Jonah Ryan.

Joining me this morning is Jonah Ryan.

Thank you, Jane, for having me in.

Breaking news from Washington, DC,

where an agreement has been reached
to end the government shutdown.

I'm sorry, what?

We go live to the White House.

No, we don't. No, we...

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm happy to say

that we found a way to reach
across the partisan divide

and build a bridge.

You've gotta be kidding me!
I did not authorize...

I'd like to thank Congressman
Clarence Clark and his Libertonians.

- I did not approve this!
- Thank you, Congressman.

He's pissing himself!

- Start asking questions!
- Oh.

Ooh, beat my wife with a frying pan,

it's even hotter today.

Y'all, I'm sorry that Judge
couldn't be here to say goodbye.

He went off this morning
on a business trip

with Stewart to Key West.

Ooh, I bet he went off to
one of his special holes.

Hey, you two girls, how you doing?

- Yeah, we just cried a lot.
- But we're stronger for it.

Yeah, I'm glad we're going in
separate cars, I can tell you that.

Imogene, thank you so much.

Oh, you take good
care of my Gary, okay?

- I want grandkids.
- Yeah, sure, you do whatever you want.

Ma'am, you got a text
from Ambassador Jaffar.

He said he talked to Quartie,
who said, "He took to you

- like a hog to persimmons."
- Is that a good thing?

- Well, they cause diarrhea in hogs.
- Oh, well...

And Quartie said, "All that
hollering was a hoot,"

and he wants to make a large
donation to the library.

- Oh, that's fantastic!
- Oh, Gary,

it's just too long between visits.

You got such a hard job.

- There's so much I wanna say to you, Mama.
- Well, we just won't say it.

Gary, it's 100-and-fuck degrees.
Let's go!

- Come on! My God in heaven.
- I love you, Mama.

Take it easy, Imogene.

Are you still not talking to me?

Because I'm not going
to apologize, you know?

I would if I had something to
apologize for, but I don't.

I certainly don't need to
apologize for anything.

Okay, lookit,

politicians borrow stuff all the time.

- Personal stories?
- Absolutely.

I mean, you should be honored

that I would think your story was special
enough to even consider using it.

Did you really like it?

It's actually... it's like
what my daddy used to say.

He used to say, "If that
story was like a horse,

it'd be a unicorn.

'Cause it was magical."

- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.

- That's nice.
- I did come all this way.

I know.

You know, like, a thousand
miles or something, so...

- I know.
- I wish you'd be a little more grateful.

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- That's okay. I accept your apology.

- Ooh.
- What is this?

It's a children's portion, too.

- No.
- Yeah.

No wonder you had a heart
attack when you were 39.

All right, get in there.
Just tear that animal apart!

Oh, my God.

Mmm!

- Mmm.
- Oh, yeah.

- Ooh, it's kind of messy.
- Oh, I'm way ahead of you.

- Mmm.
- Way ahead of you.

- Mmm.
- Look at that.

Thank you.

- Mmm.
- Yep.

There we go.

Mmm.

You've got to admit I
told it better, though.

Yeah, you did. You did.

So, I just told the senator that
that is a non-denial denial

like in "All the President's Men."

It's uh... sorry... it's
got Robert Redford.

Nope, not taking that one.

All right, cool.

I'll see you at lunch
or around the office.

Fuck.