Veep (2012–…): Season 6, Episode 7 - Blurb - full transcript
AMY: "Selina Meyer didn't just
shatter the glass ceiling,
she swept up every single shard
so that my daughter and your daughters
will never even know it existed."
- ALL: Aw!
- Well, that just tickles my twat!
Gosh, Montez is actually gonna say that
at my portrait unveiling in English?
Yeah, in front of 200 of
Washington's most important people.
- And Mike.
- See, Mike? That is good writing.
- Why can't you write like that?
- I'm the first to admit
I'm not the world's
greatest speech writer.
Ma'am, the White House wants
us to finalize your guest list
by the day after... yesterday.
So, today. That's a
bit of a brain twister.
It's a hot ticket.
What about Congressman Jonah Ryan?
(ALL LAUGHING)
Richard, you have such
a good sense of humor.
Amy, you should take a
cue from him, really.
MIKE: Ma'am?
- Yes. Oh!
- Greg Morehouse is here for our meeting.
- He's your editor.
- I know that.
Hey, Greg!
Can we get you some
coffee or some tea or...?
- Do you have some bai hao white tip?
- I do! (CHUCKLES)
Oh, well, there you go.
So, what did you think
of the manuscript?
- It's rough, of course, but...
- I think it's really interesting.
- Oh, I'm so happy!
- The dad and the horse.
I know, right? Well...
- There's just one little thing.
- Sure.
We do need a bit more of
the presidency in there.
I mean, the book ends with
you going off to college.
That's right, yes, and
the presidential stuff
will be in volume two...
"Meyer Ascendant."
- And three... "The Meyer Year."
- Yes.
I get that, and if you wanna
stick with this book as is,
I completely understand.
We're just gonna need our advance back.
- There was an advance?
- Quiet, quiet.
And Moses led his people
to the land of...?
- Hanukkah.
- Canaan, Rabbi.
Shut up, Nikhil. This stupid
hat is too small for my head.
Yarmulke.
Fine, this stupid hat is
too small for my yarmulke.
It's okay, Jonah. Conversion to Judaism
is about a commitment to
the Jewish lifestyle.
Oh, good, 'cause all this learning
is giving me a yarmulke ache.
Just to remind everybody that next week,
we'll be rededicating the sanctuary.
Sorry, I have to go to the White House.
President Meyer's unveiling.
- MAN: Okay.
- The final invitation list went out,
and you're not on it.
Oh, Jesus Christ!
I'm sorry, I can say that now and
still get into heaven, right?
Actually, Jonah, Jews
don't believe in heaven.
Shut the fuck up, Nikhil!
Wait, Shawnee, how am I
gonna see my dog again?
Is there, like, a Jew place for dogs?
SELINA: All right, Mike, we got
30 days to write a new draft.
Get out that diary, pick
a day, and let's go.
- June 14th. Ooh, chock full.
- Oh, goody! Great. Go.
Briefing on infrastructure bill,
clutch with Wichita notary group,
review on legislative conference
regarding pharmaceutical labeling.
(EXHALES) We're fucked.
I don't even remember any of that.
Some things are so dull,
you have to block them out.
No kidding.
I mean, I'm sure that I played with
Catherine when she was a child...
(DOOR CLOSES)
but for the life of me, I
can't remember one second.
- Oh, and there she is.
- MIKE: Hey!
Mom, we had a great wellness
check at the doctor's today.
- So, is it a boy, is it a girl?
- Oh, right.
ALL: It's a baby.
- No.
- GARY: Mm-mm.
We're not doing that.
No, Mom, we don't wanna know.
Catherine, you are not
going to be coy or twee
about the sex of my grandchild.
This is a human being you're making,
not some Brooklyn-based,
artisanal chocolate bar.
Birth gender isn't even that relevant.
She/he will decide her/his ideal
gender when she/he is/are ready.
Okay, is that how we're
talking now, Marjorie,
like some sort of bi-curious Porky Pig?
(IMITATES STAMMERING
) I'm not doing that.
I had an aunt who transitioned twice.
She was trapped inside a man, and then that
man was trapped inside of another woman.
- Oh, like a turducken.
- Mm-hmm.
Mom, it's not that big of a deal.
We have baby names
picked out either way.
Yes, Leslie or Dana if it's a boy and...
And for a girl we like Linus.
- Seriously?
- That feels like child abuse.
Yes. Okay, I can't.
Can you just go away, Catherine?
That's fine. We're late anyway.
Richard has doula class and
we're bringing the snacks.
- What?
- It'll be my first human birth, so.
- What is happening?
- (CHUCKLING) What is happening?
- It just...
- Gender is simple!
- Right.
- You're a girl, I'm a boy.
Well. Hey, what about
some of that lezzy stuff?
You think that would spice up the book?
Catherine's forbidden affair
with your Secret Service agent.
Yeah, but, I mean, does anybody really give
a shit about two average-looking lesbians?
- I don't mind them.
- GARY: Ugh.
I'll tell you one thing
people would flip out about.
Hmm?
A book about my sex life.
- (CHUCKLES)
- Seriously. I mean, obviously, we can't do that.
- Yeah, you can't do that.
- Really? Why can't we?
- You can do that.
- I mean, that book would fly off the shelves.
- Fly.
- People would pay whatever it is a book costs, you know?
And everybody knows that
I dated Charlie Baird.
Aw, Charlie.
But there's somebody
else that I slept with.
Somebody that I worked with closely.
All due respect, ma'am, we
all knew you were, uh...
- (IMITATES BED CREAKING) ...with Kent.
- Kent?!
My snatch isn't a data port!
- What are you talking about?
- (GARY CHUCKLING)
I slept with Tom James!
- Whoa!
- No!
In the white-hot White House.
In the Oval with your running mate?!
- On a couch.
- Ma'am, we have a best-seller!
(CHUCKLING) I mean, it
was the Green Room, but.
- What? How do you know that?
- You... you said it was at the Congressional Ball.
- Oh, did I say that?
- I think so.
- Did I?
- Ma'am, we got gold. Gold!
Do you think I should give him a call?
- That's a classy move.
- GARY: Yeah, I'll get his number.
Or I could go and I could
see him in person.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
You want me to go with?
I can take notes.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
- No. Mm-mm.
ANNOUNCER: It's the new
"CBS This Morning."
Welcome to the new "CBS This Morning."
- I'm Dan Egan.
- And I'm Brie Ramachandran.
Jane McCabe is on special assignment.
We start our day in the
state of New Hampshire
where Hurricane Chloe has
taken a turn for the deadly.
So boring.
God, how can anybody jerk off to her
with him sitting right there?
I'm sure you'll find a way, Congressman.
The Ethics Committee is
debating ending its probe
into Representative
Lawler's Nantucket trip.
You will vote yes despite
the strong evidence
of cocaine use and reckless boating.
- That guy knows how to party.
- Then Tuesday,
you have the White House meeting
on raising the debt ceiling.
Unless they try to kick it down
the road for a couple of months
and hope we get hit by an asteroid.
Are you listening to
anything we're saying?
Yeah! Cocaine, boating,
asteroids, whatever!
Did you guys get invited
to this unveiling thing?
Naturally.
How come you guys got
invited and I didn't?
Because we worked for the president
and didn't cost her the presidency.
And because we don't look
like Herman Munster's brother
who liked to molest that
pudgy werewolf kid.
Charlie, also played by Fred Gwynne.
Season one, episode nine.
Kent, can I have your plus-one?
No, I'm bringing my jai alai instructor.
- Female.
- Ish.
- What about your plus-one?
- I work for you, I don't date you.
Maybe I'm gonna go hire some women,
and I'm gonna make them date me.
And tomorrow, a sex
offender registry for dogs.
- It's about time.
- Mm-hmm.
Until then, I'm Brie Ramachandran.
And I'm Dan Egan,
bringing you your morning
every morning of every day
for many mornings to come.
And we are clear. Great show, people!
What'd you think of that new sign-off?
You sound like a Scientologist.
- Really?
- Kind of.
Can I talk to you for a second...
actually, both of you, in here?
- BOTH: Yeah.
- So, we got the results back
from the first testing
of the new host pairing.
Oh, good!
And something interesting
jumps out from the data,
which is people say that you
two don't have any chemistry,
which is their words, not
mine, but also mine.
I've never not had
chemistry with a woman.
People like the energy
that you and Jane had.
It was this raw, sexual vibe
because you two were...
Jesus, we were not fucking!
Okay, going down on each other, whatever.
I don't wanna know!
Oh, my God!
The point is people find
you two cold together.
- But I... I'm actually fucking her.
- Dan!
- Aren't you engaged to a Yankee?
- Yeah, I am.
That's why I told you
not to tell anybody.
Aw, that's sweet.
Look, Dan, Brie, you two don't
have to make up this crazy story
- about you two fucking.
- We're not making this up, okay?
- We are fucking!
- Like, a lot.
Maybe you two should fuck
differently, then. I don't know.
That's where I draw the line, man.
I don't take notes on how I fuck.
I, however... I am
willing to do anything,
because I cannot lose this
job, not before my wedding!
Um, also... just a little thing here...
people don't like you in yellow.
- Okay.
- DAN: See? Told you.
SELINA: Jesus Christ, Tom.
- What is this?
- This is just temporary.
We're moving into the
big office next month.
- Oh, good, yeah. I was feeling cramped.
- (BOTH CHUCKLING)
My goodness, look at you.
You keeping busy?
I am.
Yeah, I made a deal to write a book,
as a matter of fact.
Well, that's funny because I did, too.
Yes, I wrote a blurb for
your upcoming tome.
- Of course you did.
- Sight unseen.
Yeah, what is... the title is
- "Investing with a Conscience"?
- "Conscience," yes.
So, it's sci-fi?
- Just trying to keep the lights on.
- (LAUGHING)
Well, the book that I'm writing,
I wanted to give you a heads-up
'cause I was toying with the notion of...
of perhaps mentioning our...
our little encounter.
Selina, there's... I'm
sorry to interrupt.
- No, that's all right.
- There's something I wanted to say.
You know, you did me the honor
of choosing me as your running mate...
Mm-hmm.
and I repaid that
honor with betrayal.
Yeah.
I guess my ego allowed me
to believe that folksy, old Tom James
was above all that beltway horseshit.
And in the end, I just turned out
to be another blue bottle fly
feeding on a heaping mouthful
of Seabiscuit's finest.
Wow!
I didn't come here to
ask for an apology,
but I certainly appreciate
getting one from you.
You deserve it.
If it makes you feel any better,
if I was in your shoes, I probably would've
tried to steal the presidency, too.
Well, that's what made the two of
us such a beatable combination.
Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
Selina, I beg you, please don't do this.
- Oh.
- I have a new life, I have a new wife.
And we are expecting our first child.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
She would be dialing a divorce lawyer
if she ever thought that you
and I had swapped more than,
you know, appreciative memos.
- You understand that?
- I do.
Well, I guess
I will have to think outside my box.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
Right.
Oh, my God, why did I have to fuck
the last remaining
gentleman in Washington?
- God!
- Who said that? Was that Dolley Madison?
It was James Madison.
- Okay, Mike, get up.
- So, how'd it go?
(EXHALES) Well, he just
begged me not to put it in.
So, none of it goes in the book?
- No, it all goes in.
- Good.
MONTEZ: With regards
to the debt ceiling,
I think we can all agree that
none of us wants to play politics
with the full faith and
credit of the United States.
I brought you here...
Hey, did you get invited
to the Meyer unveiling?
Everyone was unless you're a mole person
who was cast out of his
underground society
for keistering sewer rats.
- I wasn't invited.
- I know.
- Roger.
- Madam President,
my extremist colleagues on
the other side of the aisle
have launched a full-fledged
and savage attack
against the poor and
disadvantaged of this country.
You are addicted to spending like
the proverbial drunken sailor.
Okay, that part's done.
I can give you a freeze
on the rate of increase
on AFDC and all the Head Start
cuts, but no dice on Medicare.
- I can live with that.
- All right, gentlemen,
let's get this passed tomorrow.
Uh, excuse me, Ms. Caruso,
due to some oversight,
I did not receive my invite
to the unveiling ceremony.
I suggest you ask someone
from President Meyer's team.
- Candi, are you all right?
- Of course she's all right.
Why are women always
checking in on one another
when I am talking to them?
Ma'am, I would appreciate it very much
if I could have an invite
to the unveiling thing.
That is President Meyer's
invitation list.
It is her fiesta, as you would say.
Well, it's your casa
white-o, as you would say.
- Madam President, are you all right?
- Oh, for God's sakes.
You haven't heard the
last of Jonah Ryan.
Okay, Jeffersons, sit down.
The Black Caucus gets this
room back in 20 minutes.
I do not wanna piss those guys off.
Oh, we were talking about the name,
and Cherry Tree Choppers
sounds a lot more legitimate.
No! We already picked a name.
We're the Jeffersons, period.
- How about the Rough Riders?
- Oh, fuck, that's good!
No, we're already known
as the Jeffersons, okay?
And right now, we need to do something,
something big that makes Montez
really pay attention to us.
Mm-hmm.
Something like ending
Daylight Savings Time.
- Yes.
- Something like ending government waste.
- Yeah.
- Cutting aid to Israel!
Whoa, no! We're not gonna do that.
Are you crazy?
- Cutting aid to veterans.
- Great!
- They volunteered, right?
- CLARK: Yeah, yeah.
We're gonna do all these things,
and we're gonna get invited
to that unveiling.
- Who's with me? Yeah!
- ALL: Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Wait, you weren't invited?
- No. Were you?
- Yeah.
Oh, for Christ's sake.
Why do you keep saying Tom
James and I made love?
Are you a 15-year-old girl?
- No.
- Richard!
Yes, ma'am?
I want you to get my
editor on the phone, okay?
No, see, you gotta find a
different word than "screwed."
It's just hard to come up with
so many different ways to curse.
Please hold for President Meyer. I've
got Greg Morehouse for you, ma'am.
Greg? Hello!
Okay, so I have got a White House book
that is hotter than Nancy
Reagan's guide to cocksucking.
I kid you not.
You are gonna be so pleased!
I... what?
Oh, right.
(SNAPS FINGERS) Richard, go
and turn on CBS right now.
I'll call you back.
- Hey, Tom James is on TV.
- He looks good.
That's the reason I've always said
that Selina Meyer's political acumen
is sharp as any you'll
find in Washington.
What's wrong with that? My goodness.
Even so, I did not expect
to find myself on a couch
in the Green Room at
the White House, um...
Having sex with President Selina Meyer.
- Right.
- Oh, my.
Tom James, who is telling us
about the explosive revelations
in his book "Investing
with a Conscience,"
excerpted in this month's "Vanity Fair."
"Vanity Fair?" Mike, how did
we not know about this?
They called me a couple months ago
and I thought they were trying to
get me to renew my prescription.
Subscription!
TOM: I had always looked
up to President Meyer
as something of a mentor.
She's a year older than me.
- (GARY GASPS, GROANS)
- Okay, that is a fucking lie!
I mean, where's the follow-up question?
- This is disinformation!
- Yeah!
Now, Senator, was President
Meyer the aggressor?
Your word, not mine.
- But again, yes.
- Mm-hmm.
(SCOFFS) I didn't rape him!
He wishes!
Ma'am, I think he's talking about you!
DAN: My guest has been Tom James.
The book is "Investing
with a Conscience."
I can't believe I said that
steaming turd of a book
was a refreshing take on Wall Street
aimed at your conscience
and your funny bone.
- Hey, you used my blurb!
- Oh, quiet up, Mike.
Gary, call the White House
and tell them to cancel
that stupid portrait thing,
'cause I don't wanna go.
What are you talking about?
You have to go.
I just can't take this, you know?
I've taken the rest of it.
I took the election loss,
I took Andrew's infidelity,
- Catherine's Catherine-ness, okay?
- Mm-hmm.
But this I cannot take.
Listen to me, Tom is a weak man.
It wasn't even that
good, I gotta tell you.
Oh, please give me the permission
to tell that to his face tomorrow.
- Please, I beg you.
- Oh, my God, right.
I forgot Tom is gonna be there.
- (GROANS)
- This is like Black History Month.
It never fucking ends!
Do you want me to 69 him?
- Oh, 86.
- Yeah.
No, because then it just
becomes this thing.
Okay, what about the speech? What
about the speech, all right?
President Montez is giving
that amazing speech about you.
And I asked them to use the
Jackie Kennedy crystal service.
- Really?
- Yep.
Nobody since Jackie
has given as much for
their country as you.
That is true.
If Jackie Kennedy can go through the day
with her husband's philandering
brains all over her dress
and her head held high,
looking stunning,
even though they made her ride around in a
convertible like an animal, I might add,
you can go to the White House tomorrow
and forget all about those 15 minutes
where he couldn't even unzip
the back of your dress.
Wait a minute, what?
How do you know that?
It was in Mike's notes.
Oh, right.
- Okay, fine, I'll go.
- (SIGHS)
Okay? But I am not gonna
have a good time.
And if one person
mentions Tom James to me,
I'm gonna go piss in that punch bowl.
- This country doesn't deserve you.
- I know it.
Voting closes in five minutes
and we're still missing votes.
Well, well, well, sorry, boys,
no votes today on legalizing tiny
Fleshlights for micro wangs.
Except for you, Gellardi.
I'd wager it takes a
whole roll of duct tape
to strap down your hog of a cock.
For your information, we're
called the Jeffersons, probably,
and we're here to shove some
liberty up America's ass.
If you'll excuse me, Roger,
I'm gonna whip it out.
Madam Clerk, Representative Gellardi
votes no on HR 2970.
- Recorded.
- CLARK: Madam Clerk,
Representative Clark
votes no on HR 2970.
This was a done deal!
Now look what you did, you writhing,
piss-filled skin Twizzler!
You made Speaker Marwood
run all the way down here!
Now the clots in his legs are
gonna rush to his brain.
And maybe you were too busy biting James
Bond's cable car wire to realize,
but if we don't raise the debt ceiling,
America's financial system is gonna
go belly-up like what, Will?
Like my labradoodle, Teddy, when I cover his
cock in honey and give him a sticky licky.
- No, bad!
- Look at me. (SNAPS FINGERS, WHISTLES)
You could shut down the government.
Well, maybe the government
needs to be shut down
- because it's broken.
- Oh!
And when something's
broken, you shut it down,
and then you turn it back on
again like with a router.
And if they didn't want me
to shut down the government,
then maybe they should've invited
me to the Meyer unveiling!
Do you even know what an
unveiling ceremony is?!
Look, whether I know what
an unveiling is or is not
is not the point.
The point is principles.
My God. Just call off
your morons, Congressman.
My morons are voting no.
(ALL MURMURING)
Madam Clerk, on HR 2970,
Congressman Ryan votes no.
- (PEOPLE MURMURING)
- Lights out!
(JEFFERSONS CHANTING) Lights out!
Lights out!
Lights out! Lights out! Lights out!
SELINA: Oof, here we are.
Look at this place. It is
such a dump, isn't it?
Although, I have to admit
I sort of miss it.
Aw, and it misses you, too.
The one who got away.
And now she's back for her big day!
(CHUCKLES)
- Are you wearing makeup?
- No.
Yeah.
Madam President!
It is so lovely to see you again.
- My daughter misses you.
- Thank you...
I have no idea what
these people's names are.
so much!
I know one thing... she's the one
who put my sweater in the dryer.
- (GASPS) Yes!
- Right.
Madam President, we've sure
missed you around here.
- Oh, thank you...
- Friend.
friend.
Where are you taking the Jackie crystal?
- Such a shame.
- What's happening right now?
- What are those, chips?
- Why is there Coke Zero behind us?
Ma'am, your guests will
arrive in a half hour.
And they set up the
Blue Room for your use.
What is this Dixie cup shit show?
It's like we teleported to
post-Katrina Mississippi.
GARY: I know! There's no tablecloths.
Montez is really taking
this Mexican thing too far.
- Morning, ma'am.
- Hey, what is this?
Well, as of a few minutes ago,
Jonah and his merry band of jizz huffers
drove their short bus right
into the debt ceiling vote
and T-boned the entire US economy.
Treasury Secretary Baird ordered
- a full government shutdown.
- Shutdown.
All nonessential White House staff
have been furloughed,
starting immediately.
- Okay.
- Hey, Mom, everyone.
- Did we miss it?
- No, I'm afraid not.
You know, there's not even a punch
bowl for me to piss in here.
Marjorie, Catherine,
congratulations are in order.
Oh, right! Thank you.
We just hit the 12-week mark.
It's a boy.
(CHATTER)
- Congressman Furlong.
- Brookheimer!
Got your dong of a résumé. (CHUCKLES)
I know you'd chew your own arm
off to escape being handcuffed
to Meyers's overly toned corpse
and her dungeon of losers,
but I had to go in another direction.
Tell her why, Will.
You're stronger than me,
and you have a higher reserve
of dignity and self-worth.
And I'm trapped in a cycle of abuse.
FURLONG: Better luck next time.
Hey, Fuckleberry Finn!
Christ, you got old.
- You wanna work for that guy?
- I really do.
- Tom! Hi!
- Madam President.
- What are you doing here?
- (CHUCKLES)
Can I have a private word with you?
Would that be all right, or are you
afraid that I'll rape you again?
- Well...
- (CHUCKLES)
- Well, sure, let... all right.
- Come, come, come, yes, yes, yeah.
Hi. Yeah, so good to see you, too.
I can't believe that I
gave you a goddamn blurb.
- Why, Tom? Why did you do that?
- Come on, Selina.
For Christ's sake, we both
know how the game is played.
I came to you in good faith and I asked!
- Well...
- I did the classy thing.
Come on, we both know you were
gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Of course I was, but I had the
courtesy to seem like I might not!
And then with that TV appearance.
Me the aggressor? What is that?!
That is sick, sociopathic shit.
I'm worried about you.
I think you need help.
- I need help? Oh, please!
- Absolutely.
You've got more issues than
"National Geographic."
What's going on here?
I don't understand.
- Did I do something to deserve this?
- No, no!
You did nothing.
Wait a minute, what was that?
Did I hurt your feelings
because I, what...
because I didn't call you afterwards?
Oh, that is just so stupid.
And I would've said
the same thing to you
a year ago if you had called me.
Oh, ho, ho! So, you did want me to call.
(MOCKING) Oh, oh, poor Tommy.
- He wanted me to call him afterwards.
- Shut the fuck up!
(INHALES)
Sorry, I should not have
raised my voice like that.
Madam President, thank you for
inviting us to your unveiling.
My wife is a huge fan.
Yeah, well, you know what, you
can have your trophy wife
and your trophy office
and your trophy baby,
who you won't even live
to see go to college,
but I still got to be president,
and, tsk, you never will.
(CHUCKLES)
Oh! I was looking for you. They're
waiting for you to begin.
I swear to God, Tom James just
wanted to fuck me right now.
- What?!
- Yeah, we had a real moment.
But he's too much of a
pussy to go for my pussy.
Okay, well, that's
probably for the best.
He's not gonna get away with that.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, ma'am!
I'm back. What the hell was that?
You really wanted me, didn't you?
There were sparks practically
flying out of your dick!
Why am I getting this sense of déjà vu?
No, no, no, I'm not talking
about the Green Room.
That was just a good,
old-fashioned hate fuck.
Selina, I do not and
never have hated you!
You got that right! You loved me.
- Stop it!
- You still love me now.
- What?!
- You do! Admit it.
- Admit it. Admit it!
- You are fucking crazy!
Okay, right there, right
there, what do you call that?
- What was that?
- That was...
You want to throw me onto this couch
and pin my legs behind
my head and do me.
- I am a happily married man, Selina.
- Oh, that's not an answer!
What the fuck is wrong with you?!
What the fuck is wrong with you?!
Okay, wha... this!
What do you want me to say, Selina?
What do you want me to say, Tom, huh?
That back when I was in the Senate,
the only reason that
I co-sponsored S-473
was because I had a crush on you?
That when we were in Los Angeles
and we walked out onto the stage
to accept the nomination,
and you grabbed my hand and you
held it up high, and I was like,
"Oh, my God, he's holding my hand."
That when I was in the loony bin,
I thought about you
endlessly, and I was...
(DOOR OPENS)
Tom?
Sweetheart.
This is my wife, Alethia.
Alethia?
Is that her name or is that the
pill you take to fuck her?
- Alethia!
- So nice to meet you, President Meyer.
- Oh, that's so nice of you.
- I voted for you.
Well, it didn't help. (CHUCKLES)
Okay, you know, I should head back
and, uh, deal with the
ceremony and so on.
Yes, yes, yes.
(MOUTHING) You love me.
(MOUTHING) I...!
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
the President of the United States.
Oh, wow, she looks awesome.
I'd give my left tit for those tits.
Hello. Buenas tardes. Good afternoon.
There are so many things
that I would like to say about
the extraordinary woman
- who was my predecessor
here at the White House.
- Here comes the love!
- Shh, I know. Shh.
- But unfortunately,
I have to return to the Oval
Office to deal with the shutdown.
I know Selina Meyer,
who has navigated many
crises in her own term,
will understand.
- President Meyer.
- Oh.
Selina.
Now, let's take a look at
this beautiful piece of work.
- (CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICK)
- (CROWD OOHS)
- GARY: Oh, my God.
- It's beautiful.
- Oh.
- That's beautiful.
Thank you very, very much. Thank you.
Oh, goodness, I do wish you could've
heard President Montez's speech
because she's so well-spoken,
don't you think?
And this is very nice, folks.
Very nice, indeed.
You know, um...
I look around this room
and I see so many portraits
of... of so many of our great presidents,
and I am reminded of their
many accomplishments
and shining moments.
But I also like to think
perhaps about their
not-so-shining moments.
And that, um...
well, maybe none of it matters.
You know, because maybe
in a hundred years,
all that anyone will remember
is that you have your portrait
hanging on a wall in the White House.
(CHUCKLES) So, out of
respect for the furlough,
um, I think we should wrap things up.
So, thank you so much.
What a... what a wonderful thing.
Thank you.
That was a great speech.
Yeah, that cow put the
chair in the painting.
- (WHISPERS) What chair?
- The fucking chair in that painting
is the chair that she
made love to Andrew on.
- I slept in that chair.
- And look at my neck.
I... no, in the painting!
Look at my neck. I have pardoned
turkeys with fewer waddles.
My neck does not look like that.
No, it doesn't.
- Madam President.
- Oh, yes!
- I'm sorry.
- This is John Corbin.
- He's Montez's me.
- Great.
Not exactly. I have a law degree
and served two tours in Afghanistan.
Oh, congrats.
I'm afraid we're gonna have
to start clearing the room
so we can furlough the rest of
the staff in a timely manner.
Well, that makes solid sense.
We'll get out of your hair.
Thank you so much. Hello!
- This goes inside your jacket.
- Oh.
Ma'am, the painting is stunning.
Well, thank you, Marjorie, but you're
not exactly known for your good taste.
You know what, this is your fault.
(GASPS) No!
Yes! I should not have
come to this thing.
Jesus Christ, underage Muslim brides
are less traumatized
at their unveiling.
AMY: Shh.
And even they don't have
to drink Coke Zero.
- At least Jonah wasn't here.
- Hey, that's positive, see?
A lot of people are saying that
I shut down the government.
You're damn right, I did!
I shut down the government
for wasting our money.
I shut down the government for
interfering with our clocks and watches.
I shut down the post office because
everybody just uses email anyway.
I shut down NPR because
they're a total snoozefest,
and they said this
shutdown was a bad idea.
I shut down the national parks
so that your parents will have to
take you someplace cool on vacation,
like Disney World or Cancun or Mexico.
- Okay.
- Okay, okay.
Are there any questions?
The congressman will not
be taking any questions.
The congressman will not
be taking any questions.
- Thank you.
- Provocative stuff there
from the bad boy of
Washington, Jonah Ryan.
Wall Street, meanwhile, has
reacted to the shutdown
with what analysts are urging
us not to label a panic.
Also, are we doing our
laundry all wrong?
Japanese efficiency experts say no.
Plus, our own Buzzy Kanahale's
gonna be reporting the weather
from the place that matters
the most... the beach.
- Oof, wish I could join him there.
- Oh. (CHUCKLES)
Not me.
I'm not down to my bathing
suit weight yet, so.
Oh, please, Brie, I bet you could
fill out a bikini quite nicely.
- Oh, Dan.
- (BOTH CHUCKLING)
Blech!
Well, that's all the
time we have for today.
- I'm Dan Egan.
- WOMAN: Bring back Jane!
- And I'm Brie Ramachandran.
- Remember,
every day starts with morning.
- MAN: You suck!
- Bye, now.
shatter the glass ceiling,
she swept up every single shard
so that my daughter and your daughters
will never even know it existed."
- ALL: Aw!
- Well, that just tickles my twat!
Gosh, Montez is actually gonna say that
at my portrait unveiling in English?
Yeah, in front of 200 of
Washington's most important people.
- And Mike.
- See, Mike? That is good writing.
- Why can't you write like that?
- I'm the first to admit
I'm not the world's
greatest speech writer.
Ma'am, the White House wants
us to finalize your guest list
by the day after... yesterday.
So, today. That's a
bit of a brain twister.
It's a hot ticket.
What about Congressman Jonah Ryan?
(ALL LAUGHING)
Richard, you have such
a good sense of humor.
Amy, you should take a
cue from him, really.
MIKE: Ma'am?
- Yes. Oh!
- Greg Morehouse is here for our meeting.
- He's your editor.
- I know that.
Hey, Greg!
Can we get you some
coffee or some tea or...?
- Do you have some bai hao white tip?
- I do! (CHUCKLES)
Oh, well, there you go.
So, what did you think
of the manuscript?
- It's rough, of course, but...
- I think it's really interesting.
- Oh, I'm so happy!
- The dad and the horse.
I know, right? Well...
- There's just one little thing.
- Sure.
We do need a bit more of
the presidency in there.
I mean, the book ends with
you going off to college.
That's right, yes, and
the presidential stuff
will be in volume two...
"Meyer Ascendant."
- And three... "The Meyer Year."
- Yes.
I get that, and if you wanna
stick with this book as is,
I completely understand.
We're just gonna need our advance back.
- There was an advance?
- Quiet, quiet.
And Moses led his people
to the land of...?
- Hanukkah.
- Canaan, Rabbi.
Shut up, Nikhil. This stupid
hat is too small for my head.
Yarmulke.
Fine, this stupid hat is
too small for my yarmulke.
It's okay, Jonah. Conversion to Judaism
is about a commitment to
the Jewish lifestyle.
Oh, good, 'cause all this learning
is giving me a yarmulke ache.
Just to remind everybody that next week,
we'll be rededicating the sanctuary.
Sorry, I have to go to the White House.
President Meyer's unveiling.
- MAN: Okay.
- The final invitation list went out,
and you're not on it.
Oh, Jesus Christ!
I'm sorry, I can say that now and
still get into heaven, right?
Actually, Jonah, Jews
don't believe in heaven.
Shut the fuck up, Nikhil!
Wait, Shawnee, how am I
gonna see my dog again?
Is there, like, a Jew place for dogs?
SELINA: All right, Mike, we got
30 days to write a new draft.
Get out that diary, pick
a day, and let's go.
- June 14th. Ooh, chock full.
- Oh, goody! Great. Go.
Briefing on infrastructure bill,
clutch with Wichita notary group,
review on legislative conference
regarding pharmaceutical labeling.
(EXHALES) We're fucked.
I don't even remember any of that.
Some things are so dull,
you have to block them out.
No kidding.
I mean, I'm sure that I played with
Catherine when she was a child...
(DOOR CLOSES)
but for the life of me, I
can't remember one second.
- Oh, and there she is.
- MIKE: Hey!
Mom, we had a great wellness
check at the doctor's today.
- So, is it a boy, is it a girl?
- Oh, right.
ALL: It's a baby.
- No.
- GARY: Mm-mm.
We're not doing that.
No, Mom, we don't wanna know.
Catherine, you are not
going to be coy or twee
about the sex of my grandchild.
This is a human being you're making,
not some Brooklyn-based,
artisanal chocolate bar.
Birth gender isn't even that relevant.
She/he will decide her/his ideal
gender when she/he is/are ready.
Okay, is that how we're
talking now, Marjorie,
like some sort of bi-curious Porky Pig?
(IMITATES STAMMERING
) I'm not doing that.
I had an aunt who transitioned twice.
She was trapped inside a man, and then that
man was trapped inside of another woman.
- Oh, like a turducken.
- Mm-hmm.
Mom, it's not that big of a deal.
We have baby names
picked out either way.
Yes, Leslie or Dana if it's a boy and...
And for a girl we like Linus.
- Seriously?
- That feels like child abuse.
Yes. Okay, I can't.
Can you just go away, Catherine?
That's fine. We're late anyway.
Richard has doula class and
we're bringing the snacks.
- What?
- It'll be my first human birth, so.
- What is happening?
- (CHUCKLING) What is happening?
- It just...
- Gender is simple!
- Right.
- You're a girl, I'm a boy.
Well. Hey, what about
some of that lezzy stuff?
You think that would spice up the book?
Catherine's forbidden affair
with your Secret Service agent.
Yeah, but, I mean, does anybody really give
a shit about two average-looking lesbians?
- I don't mind them.
- GARY: Ugh.
I'll tell you one thing
people would flip out about.
Hmm?
A book about my sex life.
- (CHUCKLES)
- Seriously. I mean, obviously, we can't do that.
- Yeah, you can't do that.
- Really? Why can't we?
- You can do that.
- I mean, that book would fly off the shelves.
- Fly.
- People would pay whatever it is a book costs, you know?
And everybody knows that
I dated Charlie Baird.
Aw, Charlie.
But there's somebody
else that I slept with.
Somebody that I worked with closely.
All due respect, ma'am, we
all knew you were, uh...
- (IMITATES BED CREAKING) ...with Kent.
- Kent?!
My snatch isn't a data port!
- What are you talking about?
- (GARY CHUCKLING)
I slept with Tom James!
- Whoa!
- No!
In the white-hot White House.
In the Oval with your running mate?!
- On a couch.
- Ma'am, we have a best-seller!
(CHUCKLING) I mean, it
was the Green Room, but.
- What? How do you know that?
- You... you said it was at the Congressional Ball.
- Oh, did I say that?
- I think so.
- Did I?
- Ma'am, we got gold. Gold!
Do you think I should give him a call?
- That's a classy move.
- GARY: Yeah, I'll get his number.
Or I could go and I could
see him in person.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
You want me to go with?
I can take notes.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
- No. Mm-mm.
ANNOUNCER: It's the new
"CBS This Morning."
Welcome to the new "CBS This Morning."
- I'm Dan Egan.
- And I'm Brie Ramachandran.
Jane McCabe is on special assignment.
We start our day in the
state of New Hampshire
where Hurricane Chloe has
taken a turn for the deadly.
So boring.
God, how can anybody jerk off to her
with him sitting right there?
I'm sure you'll find a way, Congressman.
The Ethics Committee is
debating ending its probe
into Representative
Lawler's Nantucket trip.
You will vote yes despite
the strong evidence
of cocaine use and reckless boating.
- That guy knows how to party.
- Then Tuesday,
you have the White House meeting
on raising the debt ceiling.
Unless they try to kick it down
the road for a couple of months
and hope we get hit by an asteroid.
Are you listening to
anything we're saying?
Yeah! Cocaine, boating,
asteroids, whatever!
Did you guys get invited
to this unveiling thing?
Naturally.
How come you guys got
invited and I didn't?
Because we worked for the president
and didn't cost her the presidency.
And because we don't look
like Herman Munster's brother
who liked to molest that
pudgy werewolf kid.
Charlie, also played by Fred Gwynne.
Season one, episode nine.
Kent, can I have your plus-one?
No, I'm bringing my jai alai instructor.
- Female.
- Ish.
- What about your plus-one?
- I work for you, I don't date you.
Maybe I'm gonna go hire some women,
and I'm gonna make them date me.
And tomorrow, a sex
offender registry for dogs.
- It's about time.
- Mm-hmm.
Until then, I'm Brie Ramachandran.
And I'm Dan Egan,
bringing you your morning
every morning of every day
for many mornings to come.
And we are clear. Great show, people!
What'd you think of that new sign-off?
You sound like a Scientologist.
- Really?
- Kind of.
Can I talk to you for a second...
actually, both of you, in here?
- BOTH: Yeah.
- So, we got the results back
from the first testing
of the new host pairing.
Oh, good!
And something interesting
jumps out from the data,
which is people say that you
two don't have any chemistry,
which is their words, not
mine, but also mine.
I've never not had
chemistry with a woman.
People like the energy
that you and Jane had.
It was this raw, sexual vibe
because you two were...
Jesus, we were not fucking!
Okay, going down on each other, whatever.
I don't wanna know!
Oh, my God!
The point is people find
you two cold together.
- But I... I'm actually fucking her.
- Dan!
- Aren't you engaged to a Yankee?
- Yeah, I am.
That's why I told you
not to tell anybody.
Aw, that's sweet.
Look, Dan, Brie, you two don't
have to make up this crazy story
- about you two fucking.
- We're not making this up, okay?
- We are fucking!
- Like, a lot.
Maybe you two should fuck
differently, then. I don't know.
That's where I draw the line, man.
I don't take notes on how I fuck.
I, however... I am
willing to do anything,
because I cannot lose this
job, not before my wedding!
Um, also... just a little thing here...
people don't like you in yellow.
- Okay.
- DAN: See? Told you.
SELINA: Jesus Christ, Tom.
- What is this?
- This is just temporary.
We're moving into the
big office next month.
- Oh, good, yeah. I was feeling cramped.
- (BOTH CHUCKLING)
My goodness, look at you.
You keeping busy?
I am.
Yeah, I made a deal to write a book,
as a matter of fact.
Well, that's funny because I did, too.
Yes, I wrote a blurb for
your upcoming tome.
- Of course you did.
- Sight unseen.
Yeah, what is... the title is
- "Investing with a Conscience"?
- "Conscience," yes.
So, it's sci-fi?
- Just trying to keep the lights on.
- (LAUGHING)
Well, the book that I'm writing,
I wanted to give you a heads-up
'cause I was toying with the notion of...
of perhaps mentioning our...
our little encounter.
Selina, there's... I'm
sorry to interrupt.
- No, that's all right.
- There's something I wanted to say.
You know, you did me the honor
of choosing me as your running mate...
Mm-hmm.
and I repaid that
honor with betrayal.
Yeah.
I guess my ego allowed me
to believe that folksy, old Tom James
was above all that beltway horseshit.
And in the end, I just turned out
to be another blue bottle fly
feeding on a heaping mouthful
of Seabiscuit's finest.
Wow!
I didn't come here to
ask for an apology,
but I certainly appreciate
getting one from you.
You deserve it.
If it makes you feel any better,
if I was in your shoes, I probably would've
tried to steal the presidency, too.
Well, that's what made the two of
us such a beatable combination.
Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
Selina, I beg you, please don't do this.
- Oh.
- I have a new life, I have a new wife.
And we are expecting our first child.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
She would be dialing a divorce lawyer
if she ever thought that you
and I had swapped more than,
you know, appreciative memos.
- You understand that?
- I do.
Well, I guess
I will have to think outside my box.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
Right.
Oh, my God, why did I have to fuck
the last remaining
gentleman in Washington?
- God!
- Who said that? Was that Dolley Madison?
It was James Madison.
- Okay, Mike, get up.
- So, how'd it go?
(EXHALES) Well, he just
begged me not to put it in.
So, none of it goes in the book?
- No, it all goes in.
- Good.
MONTEZ: With regards
to the debt ceiling,
I think we can all agree that
none of us wants to play politics
with the full faith and
credit of the United States.
I brought you here...
Hey, did you get invited
to the Meyer unveiling?
Everyone was unless you're a mole person
who was cast out of his
underground society
for keistering sewer rats.
- I wasn't invited.
- I know.
- Roger.
- Madam President,
my extremist colleagues on
the other side of the aisle
have launched a full-fledged
and savage attack
against the poor and
disadvantaged of this country.
You are addicted to spending like
the proverbial drunken sailor.
Okay, that part's done.
I can give you a freeze
on the rate of increase
on AFDC and all the Head Start
cuts, but no dice on Medicare.
- I can live with that.
- All right, gentlemen,
let's get this passed tomorrow.
Uh, excuse me, Ms. Caruso,
due to some oversight,
I did not receive my invite
to the unveiling ceremony.
I suggest you ask someone
from President Meyer's team.
- Candi, are you all right?
- Of course she's all right.
Why are women always
checking in on one another
when I am talking to them?
Ma'am, I would appreciate it very much
if I could have an invite
to the unveiling thing.
That is President Meyer's
invitation list.
It is her fiesta, as you would say.
Well, it's your casa
white-o, as you would say.
- Madam President, are you all right?
- Oh, for God's sakes.
You haven't heard the
last of Jonah Ryan.
Okay, Jeffersons, sit down.
The Black Caucus gets this
room back in 20 minutes.
I do not wanna piss those guys off.
Oh, we were talking about the name,
and Cherry Tree Choppers
sounds a lot more legitimate.
No! We already picked a name.
We're the Jeffersons, period.
- How about the Rough Riders?
- Oh, fuck, that's good!
No, we're already known
as the Jeffersons, okay?
And right now, we need to do something,
something big that makes Montez
really pay attention to us.
Mm-hmm.
Something like ending
Daylight Savings Time.
- Yes.
- Something like ending government waste.
- Yeah.
- Cutting aid to Israel!
Whoa, no! We're not gonna do that.
Are you crazy?
- Cutting aid to veterans.
- Great!
- They volunteered, right?
- CLARK: Yeah, yeah.
We're gonna do all these things,
and we're gonna get invited
to that unveiling.
- Who's with me? Yeah!
- ALL: Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Wait, you weren't invited?
- No. Were you?
- Yeah.
Oh, for Christ's sake.
Why do you keep saying Tom
James and I made love?
Are you a 15-year-old girl?
- No.
- Richard!
Yes, ma'am?
I want you to get my
editor on the phone, okay?
No, see, you gotta find a
different word than "screwed."
It's just hard to come up with
so many different ways to curse.
Please hold for President Meyer. I've
got Greg Morehouse for you, ma'am.
Greg? Hello!
Okay, so I have got a White House book
that is hotter than Nancy
Reagan's guide to cocksucking.
I kid you not.
You are gonna be so pleased!
I... what?
Oh, right.
(SNAPS FINGERS) Richard, go
and turn on CBS right now.
I'll call you back.
- Hey, Tom James is on TV.
- He looks good.
That's the reason I've always said
that Selina Meyer's political acumen
is sharp as any you'll
find in Washington.
What's wrong with that? My goodness.
Even so, I did not expect
to find myself on a couch
in the Green Room at
the White House, um...
Having sex with President Selina Meyer.
- Right.
- Oh, my.
Tom James, who is telling us
about the explosive revelations
in his book "Investing
with a Conscience,"
excerpted in this month's "Vanity Fair."
"Vanity Fair?" Mike, how did
we not know about this?
They called me a couple months ago
and I thought they were trying to
get me to renew my prescription.
Subscription!
TOM: I had always looked
up to President Meyer
as something of a mentor.
She's a year older than me.
- (GARY GASPS, GROANS)
- Okay, that is a fucking lie!
I mean, where's the follow-up question?
- This is disinformation!
- Yeah!
Now, Senator, was President
Meyer the aggressor?
Your word, not mine.
- But again, yes.
- Mm-hmm.
(SCOFFS) I didn't rape him!
He wishes!
Ma'am, I think he's talking about you!
DAN: My guest has been Tom James.
The book is "Investing
with a Conscience."
I can't believe I said that
steaming turd of a book
was a refreshing take on Wall Street
aimed at your conscience
and your funny bone.
- Hey, you used my blurb!
- Oh, quiet up, Mike.
Gary, call the White House
and tell them to cancel
that stupid portrait thing,
'cause I don't wanna go.
What are you talking about?
You have to go.
I just can't take this, you know?
I've taken the rest of it.
I took the election loss,
I took Andrew's infidelity,
- Catherine's Catherine-ness, okay?
- Mm-hmm.
But this I cannot take.
Listen to me, Tom is a weak man.
It wasn't even that
good, I gotta tell you.
Oh, please give me the permission
to tell that to his face tomorrow.
- Please, I beg you.
- Oh, my God, right.
I forgot Tom is gonna be there.
- (GROANS)
- This is like Black History Month.
It never fucking ends!
Do you want me to 69 him?
- Oh, 86.
- Yeah.
No, because then it just
becomes this thing.
Okay, what about the speech? What
about the speech, all right?
President Montez is giving
that amazing speech about you.
And I asked them to use the
Jackie Kennedy crystal service.
- Really?
- Yep.
Nobody since Jackie
has given as much for
their country as you.
That is true.
If Jackie Kennedy can go through the day
with her husband's philandering
brains all over her dress
and her head held high,
looking stunning,
even though they made her ride around in a
convertible like an animal, I might add,
you can go to the White House tomorrow
and forget all about those 15 minutes
where he couldn't even unzip
the back of your dress.
Wait a minute, what?
How do you know that?
It was in Mike's notes.
Oh, right.
- Okay, fine, I'll go.
- (SIGHS)
Okay? But I am not gonna
have a good time.
And if one person
mentions Tom James to me,
I'm gonna go piss in that punch bowl.
- This country doesn't deserve you.
- I know it.
Voting closes in five minutes
and we're still missing votes.
Well, well, well, sorry, boys,
no votes today on legalizing tiny
Fleshlights for micro wangs.
Except for you, Gellardi.
I'd wager it takes a
whole roll of duct tape
to strap down your hog of a cock.
For your information, we're
called the Jeffersons, probably,
and we're here to shove some
liberty up America's ass.
If you'll excuse me, Roger,
I'm gonna whip it out.
Madam Clerk, Representative Gellardi
votes no on HR 2970.
- Recorded.
- CLARK: Madam Clerk,
Representative Clark
votes no on HR 2970.
This was a done deal!
Now look what you did, you writhing,
piss-filled skin Twizzler!
You made Speaker Marwood
run all the way down here!
Now the clots in his legs are
gonna rush to his brain.
And maybe you were too busy biting James
Bond's cable car wire to realize,
but if we don't raise the debt ceiling,
America's financial system is gonna
go belly-up like what, Will?
Like my labradoodle, Teddy, when I cover his
cock in honey and give him a sticky licky.
- No, bad!
- Look at me. (SNAPS FINGERS, WHISTLES)
You could shut down the government.
Well, maybe the government
needs to be shut down
- because it's broken.
- Oh!
And when something's
broken, you shut it down,
and then you turn it back on
again like with a router.
And if they didn't want me
to shut down the government,
then maybe they should've invited
me to the Meyer unveiling!
Do you even know what an
unveiling ceremony is?!
Look, whether I know what
an unveiling is or is not
is not the point.
The point is principles.
My God. Just call off
your morons, Congressman.
My morons are voting no.
(ALL MURMURING)
Madam Clerk, on HR 2970,
Congressman Ryan votes no.
- (PEOPLE MURMURING)
- Lights out!
(JEFFERSONS CHANTING) Lights out!
Lights out!
Lights out! Lights out! Lights out!
SELINA: Oof, here we are.
Look at this place. It is
such a dump, isn't it?
Although, I have to admit
I sort of miss it.
Aw, and it misses you, too.
The one who got away.
And now she's back for her big day!
(CHUCKLES)
- Are you wearing makeup?
- No.
Yeah.
Madam President!
It is so lovely to see you again.
- My daughter misses you.
- Thank you...
I have no idea what
these people's names are.
so much!
I know one thing... she's the one
who put my sweater in the dryer.
- (GASPS) Yes!
- Right.
Madam President, we've sure
missed you around here.
- Oh, thank you...
- Friend.
friend.
Where are you taking the Jackie crystal?
- Such a shame.
- What's happening right now?
- What are those, chips?
- Why is there Coke Zero behind us?
Ma'am, your guests will
arrive in a half hour.
And they set up the
Blue Room for your use.
What is this Dixie cup shit show?
It's like we teleported to
post-Katrina Mississippi.
GARY: I know! There's no tablecloths.
Montez is really taking
this Mexican thing too far.
- Morning, ma'am.
- Hey, what is this?
Well, as of a few minutes ago,
Jonah and his merry band of jizz huffers
drove their short bus right
into the debt ceiling vote
and T-boned the entire US economy.
Treasury Secretary Baird ordered
- a full government shutdown.
- Shutdown.
All nonessential White House staff
have been furloughed,
starting immediately.
- Okay.
- Hey, Mom, everyone.
- Did we miss it?
- No, I'm afraid not.
You know, there's not even a punch
bowl for me to piss in here.
Marjorie, Catherine,
congratulations are in order.
Oh, right! Thank you.
We just hit the 12-week mark.
It's a boy.
(CHATTER)
- Congressman Furlong.
- Brookheimer!
Got your dong of a résumé. (CHUCKLES)
I know you'd chew your own arm
off to escape being handcuffed
to Meyers's overly toned corpse
and her dungeon of losers,
but I had to go in another direction.
Tell her why, Will.
You're stronger than me,
and you have a higher reserve
of dignity and self-worth.
And I'm trapped in a cycle of abuse.
FURLONG: Better luck next time.
Hey, Fuckleberry Finn!
Christ, you got old.
- You wanna work for that guy?
- I really do.
- Tom! Hi!
- Madam President.
- What are you doing here?
- (CHUCKLES)
Can I have a private word with you?
Would that be all right, or are you
afraid that I'll rape you again?
- Well...
- (CHUCKLES)
- Well, sure, let... all right.
- Come, come, come, yes, yes, yeah.
Hi. Yeah, so good to see you, too.
I can't believe that I
gave you a goddamn blurb.
- Why, Tom? Why did you do that?
- Come on, Selina.
For Christ's sake, we both
know how the game is played.
I came to you in good faith and I asked!
- Well...
- I did the classy thing.
Come on, we both know you were
gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Of course I was, but I had the
courtesy to seem like I might not!
And then with that TV appearance.
Me the aggressor? What is that?!
That is sick, sociopathic shit.
I'm worried about you.
I think you need help.
- I need help? Oh, please!
- Absolutely.
You've got more issues than
"National Geographic."
What's going on here?
I don't understand.
- Did I do something to deserve this?
- No, no!
You did nothing.
Wait a minute, what was that?
Did I hurt your feelings
because I, what...
because I didn't call you afterwards?
Oh, that is just so stupid.
And I would've said
the same thing to you
a year ago if you had called me.
Oh, ho, ho! So, you did want me to call.
(MOCKING) Oh, oh, poor Tommy.
- He wanted me to call him afterwards.
- Shut the fuck up!
(INHALES)
Sorry, I should not have
raised my voice like that.
Madam President, thank you for
inviting us to your unveiling.
My wife is a huge fan.
Yeah, well, you know what, you
can have your trophy wife
and your trophy office
and your trophy baby,
who you won't even live
to see go to college,
but I still got to be president,
and, tsk, you never will.
(CHUCKLES)
Oh! I was looking for you. They're
waiting for you to begin.
I swear to God, Tom James just
wanted to fuck me right now.
- What?!
- Yeah, we had a real moment.
But he's too much of a
pussy to go for my pussy.
Okay, well, that's
probably for the best.
He's not gonna get away with that.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, ma'am!
I'm back. What the hell was that?
You really wanted me, didn't you?
There were sparks practically
flying out of your dick!
Why am I getting this sense of déjà vu?
No, no, no, I'm not talking
about the Green Room.
That was just a good,
old-fashioned hate fuck.
Selina, I do not and
never have hated you!
You got that right! You loved me.
- Stop it!
- You still love me now.
- What?!
- You do! Admit it.
- Admit it. Admit it!
- You are fucking crazy!
Okay, right there, right
there, what do you call that?
- What was that?
- That was...
You want to throw me onto this couch
and pin my legs behind
my head and do me.
- I am a happily married man, Selina.
- Oh, that's not an answer!
What the fuck is wrong with you?!
What the fuck is wrong with you?!
Okay, wha... this!
What do you want me to say, Selina?
What do you want me to say, Tom, huh?
That back when I was in the Senate,
the only reason that
I co-sponsored S-473
was because I had a crush on you?
That when we were in Los Angeles
and we walked out onto the stage
to accept the nomination,
and you grabbed my hand and you
held it up high, and I was like,
"Oh, my God, he's holding my hand."
That when I was in the loony bin,
I thought about you
endlessly, and I was...
(DOOR OPENS)
Tom?
Sweetheart.
This is my wife, Alethia.
Alethia?
Is that her name or is that the
pill you take to fuck her?
- Alethia!
- So nice to meet you, President Meyer.
- Oh, that's so nice of you.
- I voted for you.
Well, it didn't help. (CHUCKLES)
Okay, you know, I should head back
and, uh, deal with the
ceremony and so on.
Yes, yes, yes.
(MOUTHING) You love me.
(MOUTHING) I...!
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
the President of the United States.
Oh, wow, she looks awesome.
I'd give my left tit for those tits.
Hello. Buenas tardes. Good afternoon.
There are so many things
that I would like to say about
the extraordinary woman
- who was my predecessor
here at the White House.
- Here comes the love!
- Shh, I know. Shh.
- But unfortunately,
I have to return to the Oval
Office to deal with the shutdown.
I know Selina Meyer,
who has navigated many
crises in her own term,
will understand.
- President Meyer.
- Oh.
Selina.
Now, let's take a look at
this beautiful piece of work.
- (CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICK)
- (CROWD OOHS)
- GARY: Oh, my God.
- It's beautiful.
- Oh.
- That's beautiful.
Thank you very, very much. Thank you.
Oh, goodness, I do wish you could've
heard President Montez's speech
because she's so well-spoken,
don't you think?
And this is very nice, folks.
Very nice, indeed.
You know, um...
I look around this room
and I see so many portraits
of... of so many of our great presidents,
and I am reminded of their
many accomplishments
and shining moments.
But I also like to think
perhaps about their
not-so-shining moments.
And that, um...
well, maybe none of it matters.
You know, because maybe
in a hundred years,
all that anyone will remember
is that you have your portrait
hanging on a wall in the White House.
(CHUCKLES) So, out of
respect for the furlough,
um, I think we should wrap things up.
So, thank you so much.
What a... what a wonderful thing.
Thank you.
That was a great speech.
Yeah, that cow put the
chair in the painting.
- (WHISPERS) What chair?
- The fucking chair in that painting
is the chair that she
made love to Andrew on.
- I slept in that chair.
- And look at my neck.
I... no, in the painting!
Look at my neck. I have pardoned
turkeys with fewer waddles.
My neck does not look like that.
No, it doesn't.
- Madam President.
- Oh, yes!
- I'm sorry.
- This is John Corbin.
- He's Montez's me.
- Great.
Not exactly. I have a law degree
and served two tours in Afghanistan.
Oh, congrats.
I'm afraid we're gonna have
to start clearing the room
so we can furlough the rest of
the staff in a timely manner.
Well, that makes solid sense.
We'll get out of your hair.
Thank you so much. Hello!
- This goes inside your jacket.
- Oh.
Ma'am, the painting is stunning.
Well, thank you, Marjorie, but you're
not exactly known for your good taste.
You know what, this is your fault.
(GASPS) No!
Yes! I should not have
come to this thing.
Jesus Christ, underage Muslim brides
are less traumatized
at their unveiling.
AMY: Shh.
And even they don't have
to drink Coke Zero.
- At least Jonah wasn't here.
- Hey, that's positive, see?
A lot of people are saying that
I shut down the government.
You're damn right, I did!
I shut down the government
for wasting our money.
I shut down the government for
interfering with our clocks and watches.
I shut down the post office because
everybody just uses email anyway.
I shut down NPR because
they're a total snoozefest,
and they said this
shutdown was a bad idea.
I shut down the national parks
so that your parents will have to
take you someplace cool on vacation,
like Disney World or Cancun or Mexico.
- Okay.
- Okay, okay.
Are there any questions?
The congressman will not
be taking any questions.
The congressman will not
be taking any questions.
- Thank you.
- Provocative stuff there
from the bad boy of
Washington, Jonah Ryan.
Wall Street, meanwhile, has
reacted to the shutdown
with what analysts are urging
us not to label a panic.
Also, are we doing our
laundry all wrong?
Japanese efficiency experts say no.
Plus, our own Buzzy Kanahale's
gonna be reporting the weather
from the place that matters
the most... the beach.
- Oof, wish I could join him there.
- Oh. (CHUCKLES)
Not me.
I'm not down to my bathing
suit weight yet, so.
Oh, please, Brie, I bet you could
fill out a bikini quite nicely.
- Oh, Dan.
- (BOTH CHUCKLING)
Blech!
Well, that's all the
time we have for today.
- I'm Dan Egan.
- WOMAN: Bring back Jane!
- And I'm Brie Ramachandran.
- Remember,
every day starts with morning.
- MAN: You suck!
- Bye, now.