Veep (2012–…): Season 6, Episode 10 - Groundbreaking - full transcript
Selina: And from the heady days
of our third-place finish in lowa,
we fought together for the dream
of becoming the first woman president.
Whoo!
But tonight... tonight, the voters
of Illinois, Missouri, North Carolina...
Ohio, Florida, Texas,
and the territory of Guam
have said otherwise.
God, I really thought
we were gonna win Guam.
And so, ahem...
- I have decided to suspend my campai...
- No!
- Crowd: No!
- Yes, I've decided to suspend my campaign.
Jesus, I need to get drunk
and slop-fuck an intern.
I'm really sorry that I could not
carry this one over the finish line
- for all of you.
- ♪ And we can build this thing together ♪
- And as... oh, my. Wow.
- ♪ Standing strong forever... ♪
As devastating as this loss may be,
you have not seen the
last of Selina Meyer.
Selina for you.
All: Selina for you!
Jonah's mom: Jonie, look,
I have a special treat.
- Hello, former Congressman Ryan.
- Oh, come on!
- Richard.
- What are you even doing here?
Well, your mom said you
could use some Splett pep,
so I brought you this.
See, the box is empty
to show that all you need
to be happy is right here.
- Well, that's stupid.
- Yeah, it was a waste of $30.
Look, save your pity, Richard.
In two years, I'm gonna run
against my motard cousin, Ezra,
who's been a congressman
for, like, two days
and he's already passed, like, 10 bills.
Well, two years is a long time.
I mean, you could petition for a recall
if they weren't unconstitutional.
Wait, can I petition for
a recall against Ezra?
- Unequivocally, no.
- That's a great idea.
- That's awesome.
- Well, it was nice to see you.
I guess I'll see myself out.
Well,
I don't know, as long as you're here...
you wanna play?
I'll let you be Aquaman. No tidal wave.
Does a rabbit need a yearly
vaccination for myxomatosis?
It does. Well, maybe.
It depends on the rabbit.
- But, yes.
- Mom, can Richard stay the night?
Can I please, Mrs. Ryan?
Oh, sure! I'll make
waffles for breakfast.
- Mom, I don't want waffles!
- Okay, then I won't make waffles.
Jaffar: Happy six month
anniversary, my love.
- This belonged to my great-grandmother.
- Oh, my God.
My great-grandfather bought it for her
with the money he made from
his first major arms deal.
Wow. Well, we'll have to
see what I look like later
wearing nothing but blood diamonds.
Selina.
Reporter: Here she
comes. Madam President!
Madam President, Ambassador,
are you two engaged yet?
- Hey, guys.
- It's the woman who freed Tibet!
Montez's numbers are tanking.
Is she gonna have to give
up her Nobel Peace Prize?
How come you never talk
about your stay in Arizona?
Oh, I love the Grand Canyon.
- That's not an answer.
- Man: Look over here!
- Arizona?
- Yeah, it was a spa. It was just a spa.
- It's really nice.
- Gary: Hey! Whoo!
- Hey, lookie, lookie!
- Hi!
Here she is, the most
beautiful woman in the spa.
- Hi, Mom!
- Watch your toesies, watch your toesies.
- Hey, baby!
- Hi!
- Boop-boop!
- Hello, Ma'am.
- Marjorie.
- Marjorie.
- Lovely to see you.
- Hi.
Yes, I'm gonna make
you look pretty, okay?
What's new?
- You were here yesterday. Yeah.
- That's right!
They love you so much,
they can't keep away.
Ma'am, that was a month
ago. Gary is humoring you.
- Okay. Yes, Ma'am.
- Gary,
are you sure that this
isn't too much medication?
- People think we're married.
- I think it's the perfect amount.
How often are you visiting?
- Oh, like, twice a day.
- A lot.
But not as much as I would like.
I got a place about three hours away.
Mom, how are you feeling?
- Losing was just the best.
- Aw.
- Yes, it was.
- Really?
Because politics has a sickness...
That's right, that's right.
- Catherine.
- That's right.
- And it's sick.
- How about some lipstick?
- It's so amazing to hear you say that.
- Yeah.
Mom, we were thinking that maybe
when you're feeling all better,
that maybe you could come live with us.
- Yes, Mom.
- Oh, isn't that nice?
You're beautiful. Catherine,
you are truly beautiful.
- I'll have what she's having.
- You're beautiful.
- Mom, we have a surprise for you!
- Knock-knock!
- Oh.
- As soon as I heard
what a vulnerable state you were in,
- I got on the first flight.
- Hi, Andrew.
Okay, I'm gonna get the
orderly with the big needles.
- Let's not do that.
- You look beautiful.
- Oh, okay.
- Marjorie: Oh.
That, uh...
Selina: Leon West will
not let this spa thing go.
He's like a bald dog with a bone.
Well, Ma'am, a buddy of mine
works at the "Post" snack shop.
- He says Leon's on the outs.
- Really?
The editors think he's lost
all sense of objectivity,
and he's eating Luna bars for women.
- Okay, see? He's unhinged!
- Mm-hmm.
He's like this demented creep
who follows me around...
and gets all in my personal life
and thinks about me 24-7, nonstop.
- Cuckoo!
- Yeah.
- Ma'am?
- Yeah?
They dropped off
- the final model for the library.
- Oh, wow! Look at this!
- Oh, my goodness!
- Look at this.
- So they solved the design problem.
- Yes.
And so now the staircase goes right up
and smashes through the glass ceiling.
Exactly what it's like to be a woman.
Yes, and they're working
on the engineering.
They said it's a little unstable.
Yeah, also what it's like to be a woman.
Lookit, Marjorie! What do you think?
It looks like a vagina, Ma'am.
See? Okay, that's from an expert.
You know, this is what
I said in the beginning.
I'm not seeing that.
Well, you don't have
any frame of reference.
What if you trim the
topiary around the edge?
- That could help.
- Nobody's gonna trim the topiary.
- I'm not a porn star.
- You could be,
- but you chose politics.
- What is this, the clitoris?
You know what would be funny? We
should put the men's bathroom there.
- They'll never find it.
- Well, actually, Ma'am,
the female pleasure
center is quite extensive.
- Gary: Ah.
- Uh, no, it's not.
- And that's the crypt, Ma'am.
- Right, that's what I just said.
No, the crypt.
What?
I'm gonna be buried there?
Yeah, most of the formers
are buried at their libraries.
Mike: Okay, I
gotta... I gotta go.
- Really?
- That was Wendy.
Ellen just got a spot in the Harper
Day School and full financial aid.
See, that wouldn't have
happened if I paid you more.
- More? You never...
- Amy: Now, Ma'am, there is a problem.
What?
As they were prepping
for the groundbreaking,
they discovered the
library might be situated
on the site of Yale's
former slave quarters.
- Oh, come on.
- Mike: What? Yale had slaves back then?
- This is not good, Ma'am.
- Wait, wait, wait, what if we own this?
Not in a slavey way, but, like,
if we put up a very sensitive
exhibit that talks about slavery
and honors the men and
women who suffered there.
Okay, well, that's an
excellent idea, Mike,
but I'm not gonna have my vagi-brary
underground railroaded by this.
- Mm-mm.
- All right, who else knows?
Just the site manager, that's it.
But he's Italian, so he knows
how to keep bodies buried.
Good. Nobody else can know.
Right? Okay, Marjor...? Okay, shit!
Oh, shit!
- Marjorie?!
- Marjorie?!
- Marjorie!
- Marjorie!
- Marjorie!
- Marjorie!
- Marjorie!
- Marjorie!
Slaves, Mother?
No way.
Okay, Cat... what room
is this, Catherine?
- Oh, my God.
- I mean, when did we build
an Indian casino gift shop?
- It's the nursery.
- Seriously?
- My God.
- Well, where are the toys?
Or is the baby gonna
play chess against death?
You know what, Mom, as your daughter...
And the library's third biggest donor.
- Ugh.
- And the library's third biggest donor...
- Oh, I heard her.
- You cannot build this library
on the oppressed backs of
the ancestors of my child!
Listen to me, Catherine Kinte...
- What am I on?
- Nothing.
Okay, so you wanna talk
about second-class citizens?
You wanna do that? Blacks
got the vote in 1870.
- When did women get the vote? 1920!
- Sistas!
Well, the Voting Rights Act was in 1965.
Mom, you are going to be
the grandmother of a child
- that is half black.
- And 1/16 French Huguenot.
I cannot stand that term.
Ma'am, the nomenclature has
moved away from African American.
- It is black...
- No, I'm talking about grandmother.
- Okay? I am still a young woman.
- Gary: Yes.
- Really! Look at my hands.
- Gorgeous.
- Look at my neck, okay?
- Ooh.
I am not about to buried
in a twat of my own making!
I'm still relevant!
Nobody likes a tattletale, Marjorie.
- Well, good morning, ladies.
- Good morning, Ma'am.
Vice President Selina
Meyer to see the president.
- Oh, hey, Ben.
- Madam Vice President.
- How are you?
- I'm good, thank you.
The president is very,
very busy right now.
Oh, I know, I know.
Why don't I show you your office first?
- Oh, sure. Yeah!
- Okay?
- Right across the street here.
- What?
- The EEOB?
- Yeah.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Hughes promised me an
office here in the West Wing.
Well, it's just right across the street.
You'll be neighbors.
Okay, I haven't spoken to my
neighbors in my entire fucking life.
- I don't even know who they are.
- Oh, be glad. I've met them.
All right? You and I both know
that Hughes would never
do this if I was a male VP.
We'd be out, shotgun and beers
and sucking each other off
like Carter and Mondale.
Don't look at me with that smirk.
- You know that's the case.
- Ma'am...
- You need to understand.
- Oh.
The president doesn't actually
want you to do anything
other than continue to be a woman,
which you're doing a pretty okay job at.
- Okay?
- So...
I'm gonna let you walk
the rest of the way.
I'm trying to cut
down on exercise, okay?
He'll call you if he needs you.
Um, well, you are an exceptional woman.
I know, but we are gonna fight this.
- Madam Vice President.
- Yeah.
- God, that feels good to say.
- So where are the new digs, huh?
- Are we close to a kitchen?
- Well, I actually have good news.
We are going to be in the EEOB.
- Oh.
- Yeah. No, it's good.
I'm thinking we need
to distance ourselves
from this sort of "one
and done" administration.
- So, this is your decision?
- Yes, it is.
And you don't want me
- to shut that down right now?
- I'm so sorry to interrupt.
Madam Vice President, I'm Jonah Ryan.
- Okay.
- I am... oh, I am a West Wing intern.
- Oh, congratulations. Okay.
- I just wanna say
it's such an honor to meet you.
The only reason that I voted for Hughes
is because you were on the ticket.
Well, I'm sure you're not alone.
Maybe we can pull some strings
and get you assigned to the EEOB.
Yeah... maybe.
- Oh, Mr. Cafferty!
- See that?
He's kind of cute, Amy.
- What do you think?
- Huh, yeah.
Hello, sir. I just wanna say
what a pleasure it is to meet you.
And the only reason that I voted
for Hughes is because I knew you were
- his campaign man...
- I have two things for you to do.
They're important. Can you handle it?
Of course. Yes, absolutely, sir.
One... get the fuck away from me.
Two... stay the fuck away from me.
- Okay? Can you do that?
- Yes, sir.
I won't let you down.
God, I love interns.
Congressman, there's a simple and easy
solution to the homeless problem...
Pass mandatory sentencing
laws for vagrancy.
Then these unfortunates
will finally have a home...
My prisons.
Look, I hate the homeless
as much as any librarian.
That's why God created subzero
winters and the third rail,
but chances of me pushing for any tax
incentives for these private hoosegows
is about as likely as what, Will?
As me walking out of a bar with less
than 10 types of semen in my hair.
- You can't go in there!
- Sir, I know I don't have an appointment,
- but what I have to say is...
- Furlong: Holy shit!
I can't believe you're actually showing
that camel snatch you call a face in DC.
You're about as welcome here as Jerry
Sandusky at an open call for "Oliver."
Here, you want a dried
apricot? They're Turkish.
Anything I can do to
annoy the Armenians.
All right, good seeing you, Tanzy.
Let me know when you find your wallet.
Oh, hey, Jonah, can
we get lunch sometime?
I wanna talk about you being
the legal guardian to my baby
if anything happens
to me and Mary, okay?
- Yeah, sure.
- Okay.
I hope you're not here for Shawnee.
No, sir. I am here with a final solution
- to restore me to power.
- Jonah, Jonah.
Sir, I will do anything that you say.
I know. That's what I love about you.
It's like that fagela cowboy
movie. "I can't quit you."
Yes, thank you, sir. Butch and Sundance.
The point is now is not the time
to go putzing after
representatives, congressmen.
No! From now on, I'm only
buying senators and presidents.
That's the way to
affect meaningful change.
We'll always have the
shutdown, won't we?
Huge miscalculation.
Selina: Mayor Thompson, I hope
you'll support me in November
in the Senate contest.
- Absolutely, Congresswoman Meyers.
- Thank you.
Thank you. No, op, op, op.
It's Meyer. There's no "S" at the end.
Look, you can see right
here on the... on the bus.
- There's no "S."
- Oh, Jewish.
- No, mm-mm. No.
- No?
Oh, what a great county this is.
I just love... everybody here
is so well-behaved and polite.
- Thank you! What joy! We gotta go.
- It is like Selinamania, right?
- Okay.
- Okay. We gotta go.
Mike: Selina, Selina.
We are fucked two ways
which till Tuesday.
What are you talking about?
We've completely spent
all of our TV money.
Well, who's in charge of that?
Technically, I am, but
when you buy these ads...
That's not my problem. All
right, we're leaving, okay?
Hey, Andrew, we have
gotta fire that Mike guy.
He's the biggest goddamn
idiot I've ever...
Selina! Hey! Uh, boy, I got...
Can you believe I put a pen
in my pocket without a cap?
And Sally was helping
me get the stain out.
You remember Sally
Nuefeld, our biggest donor?
- Nuefeld department stores.
- Hi.
You know, I'm so glad that
I've just run into you, Sally.
- You are?
- We need to make a TV buy tonight.
Otherwise, we're dead in the water.
So maybe you could help us
grease the knob or the
wheel or whatever it is.
- You know, I would love to, Selina...
- Oh, great!
But we've already given to a number
of candidates this cycle, so...
Yeah, you know, I wish
your husband was here
because I would love for
him to hear about the story
of you and Andrew on
the bus with the pen.
- Let me get my checkbook.
- Oh, can we have your pen, Andrew?
- I don't have a pen.
- Oh, you don't.
- Oh! We threw the pen out.
- I don't give a fuck.
- Okay, how does 25,000 sound?
- Well, I'll tell you something,
why don't you put your money
where your mouth was... is...
- And add another zero?
- That should be no problem.
Oh, goody!
Chung: And that's why I need your
help telling the Danny Chung story...
How I pulled a Marine
from a burning tank.
- Yep, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- We're familiar with the story.
How about this? How about an interview
with the soldier that
you pulled from the tank?
- That's an excellent idea.
- Yeah, thank you.
But best not to contact
him for personal reasons,
or, really, anyone who saw it.
I don't wanna retrigger.
But this is the kind of
thinking I need for my team.
- Dan: Mm.
- Well, let us put together an action plan.
- All right.
- Great.
Ready for a change, ready for Chung.
Ready for a "chunge."
First "chunge," we're
gonna fix that slogan.
- Really?
- I'm kidding. It's great.
- Ben: There's Amy. Come on in.
- How you doing, Danny?
You know, we could really use you, Ames.
Give us a little touch of the feminine.
You and I could split those duties.
Yeah, I think I, uh... I've
been waiting a long time
- for us to get together.
- There it is.
- There we go.
- Kent: Back at full strength!
- We can accomplish beautiful things...
- Ben: Absolutely.
- In this town, gentlemen.
- Yeah.
I'm just gonna have to talk to Selina...
- Oh, Amy's out.
- No!
- Thanks for coming in, Ame.
- No!
We're not gonna validate your parking.
- You don't mind that, do you?
- No, I just meant
that I'm gonna tell her
once and for all th-that...
Jaffar: Okay, so Lu wants to
meet in Hong Kong to talk Brazil.
- We'll leave Friday.
- That's so funny because
the lady who does my
Brazilian is from Hong Kong.
- Oh!
- It's Kismit.
I know. It really is, isn't it?
No, her name is Kismit.
They make her use Linda, but...
You know, my favorite
cousin Hamid went here.
He partied his balls off.
Oh, my God, we should've invited
him to come to the thing today.
- Oh, he's not exactly on the yes-fly list.
- Oh.
Mom, I'm so glad my doctor
cleared me to come today.
But you gotta be careful with
that McLintock cervix of yours.
- Oh, it's incompetent cervix, Ma'am.
- That's what I said, Marjorie.
- Zing! You got me, Ma'am.
- Quartie: Hey!
- Quartie!
- Who's the head librarian now?
I love the new design
- on the building there.
- Yeah, right.
My God, looks like Queen Kong's cooter.
That's what we were going for!
- Hog jaw!
- Yeah.
That ain't the first
time I spent 20 million
- on a piece of pussy.
- Oh, good on you, Quartie.
- Okay, have fun.
- Thank you. Yes, yes, yes.
Absolutely. Let's go get
President Caldwell, please.
- On it, Ma'am.
- Yeah.
Now that the library is
officially moving forward,
- I really need clarity on my role.
- Yeah.
So it's time for you to make a decision.
Yes, and I think I did, 'cause
I talked to you about that.
- About?
- The chicken, right?
- Nope.
- You didn't want red meat for a week.
No, no, no, no, who is
in charge of the library?
Is it Richard or is it me?
Because if it's not me, I have...
I have another offer
and I'm going to take...
- Oh, Jim! There you are.
- Madam President.
- Oh.
- This is the President of Yale, Ma'am.
- I found him.
- How are you?
Well, I've got a professor of
gender studies suing for tenure.
- You can imagine what that's about.
- Oh, my God.
Well, this thing shouldn't take too
long, so we can get you out of here.
Actually, Madam President,
the "Washington Post" called
asking for comment on the
story that the library site
was originally the
university's slave quarters.
That's Leon. It's gotta be Leon.
I'm embarrassed, but the
university is going to have to
take some time to study the situation.
What? What are you talking about?
We're having the groundbreaking today.
If it were up to me,
we'd be putting up drywall
on your vagina building today.
Well, I appreciate that,
- Jim, I really do.
- But in the current climate
with the lawsuit and
with one of our adjuncts
in the Hillel function
with the sombrero...
- Okay, I don't know what that is.
- you can understand that this is not a time
we wanna put a spotlight on our
historic association with slavery.
After all, this is Yale, not Brown.
- I got waitlisted there.
- Catherine: Oh, oh, ow, ow, ow!
Ma'am, I think her
water just broke, Ma'am.
- Good Christ!
- Are you kidding me?
I will be in touch. In the meantime,
if you're trying to get out of
town, don't take High Street.
The KKK... that's the
Kool Kweers of Kolor...
Oh.
Is having a "pee-in" in
front of Skull and Bones.
Got that. Thank you.
- I mean...
- Ma'am.
Yale pulled out without even
coming on my tits?
Things sure have changed
since I went to college.
We're gonna take her back
to Mount Sinai, Ma'am.
Let's go.
Doctor: Here we go.
Andrew: These are genuine
pieces of the wall.
The baby's crowing.
You know what? I should go.
- Here come the shoulders.
- Oh, my God,
I wish I had let you do anal.
It would've hurt less than this!
- See?
- Oh, I'll up the dosage on your spinal.
Oh, God, I like her. I like you.
- Have you decided on a name?
- No. What's your name?
- Sandra.
- Yeah, not that.
Hey, how about those ice chips?
- Selina: I need ice chips.
- Hi, I'm Gary.
- Hi.
- I ground these myself.
- Okay.
- The hospital ones are so big.
- There we go. There you go.
- Thank you.
- Oh, my God.
- Okay.
- Okay, Doctor...
- Sengupta.
- Gundupta.
- I'm gonna get you a cookie.
Right here. Here we go, push.
Okay, we're looking good.
- We're looking good. Here it comes.
- Oh, my God!
Congratulations, Mommy and Daddy.
- Here's your baby.
- Is that its hair?
- Yeah.
- Will you be nursing?
No. My God, I'm not a goat.
- No, those are for Daddy.
- Selina: Ooh, God, Sandra?
Can you write down your number in
case we have any questions about it?
- Okay.
- You can give it to my husband, Andrew.
Hi.
- I think I wanna run for Congress.
- Huh.
Oh, some black shit is coming out of it.
- Good... yeah.
- Loud. It's so loud.
I've never heard anything
quite like... ooh.
Ugh, it's loud.
Oh, ah.
- You went ahead without me.
- The baby has my elbows.
Mom, where have you been?
They're ready to send us home.
Okay, well, Catherine, slaves
have ruined my library...
- Yeah.
- so you can stop attacking me.
You know how busy your
mother is, Catherine.
- What are you doing here?
- Our daughter wanted at least
one of her parents to be here.
- Fortunately, I was available.
- So, what is it? What do we got?
- A boy or a girl?
- Well, if we're judging by sex organs,
which apparently we're not, it's a boy.
- Thank God.
- Would you like to hold him, Grandma'am?
- I'll take your purse.
- No, it's fine.
- I'll just give him a boop-boop, pat-pat.
- I packed your toiletries,
- so you're all set to go.
- Selina: Monnie.
- Oh! Grandma!
- Yeah.
Congratulations.
Okay, when did you come
back into the picture?
- What do you mean?
- Nope. Mm-mm.
Is Mama ready to roll out?
Oh, my God, I can't believe it!
- Oh, thank you.
- You're Monica from "Monica."
Oh, yeah!
It is a dream of mine
to cook with you someday.
- It's my dream, too.
- Aw, well, we should make that happen.
I'll get your number.
Absolutely, we should make that happen.
- Go, just go.
- Open up a bottle of Chateau Montelena.
Okay, so what are we calling him?
Aluminum? Tenafly? Ribbon?
- We haven't landed on a name yet.
- I don't mind Tenafly.
You know, what about Richard?
That would be kind of cute 'cause
then we could call him Little Richard.
Love!
I was actually named after
my godmother, Richardina.
- Everybody just called her Regina.
- Selina: Oh, boy.
You know what, actually, I
probably wasn't named after her.
I just got here, but I
guess we're leaving now.
Oh, hello! Look at this little creature.
Looks just like both of you.
- Oh! Hi.
- Hi. How are you?
So, in the Quran, it is recommended
that upon the birth of a child,
a father should slaughter two goats.
However, out of respect
for your veganism,
I got you the wipe warmer instead.
- Yes! Yes, thank you.
- Oh! Wow, thank you.
Ambassador Jaffar, if I could
nibble your ear for a moment
about a sand opportunity
I'm currently involved with.
- I'm all set with sand.
- But this is beach sand.
He doesn't want sand.
Madam President!
This is traumatizing for the baby.
No, I know. You know
what? I'm gonna help you.
- I'm gonna help you out.
- Mom.
- We're good. Shh.
- Everyone say hello to Little Richard.
- Is that the baby's name?
- Yes.
- No, it's not.
- I have to say
that as the proud grand...
- Mother.
- mother of an African American baby,
I would rather never have
a presidential library
than to have one that is built
on the backs of dead slaves.
- Shame on Yale.
- Yeah.
- And shame on Amy Brookheimer.
- Yes.
Oh, and this is my lesbian daughter's
Native American lesbian
life partner, Marjorie.
- Sweetie.
- Leon: Madam President,
the American public would like to know
when you're going to come clean
about your stay at Whispering Sands.
Okay, well, I have a confession to make.
Both my daughter and my mother
have struggled greatly
with very serious
mental health problems.
- What?
- Don't worry, it runs in my family, too.
You know, if this administration
continues to ignore
the mental health
crisis in this country,
well, you know, it's crazy.
It really is. Yeah, thank you.
Thank you very much. I
appreciate it. Thank you!
Amy: Ma'am, I'm so sorry
you lost your library.
You know, last night, I dreamt that
I removed Leon West's balls
with an ice cream scoop
- and I think I actually came.
- Is everything always ice cream with you?
- Just say the word, Ma'am, and I will...
- Amy, Amy.
I leaked it to Leon.
Why? Why would you Kurt
Cobain your own library?
Because, girlie,
only former presidents have libraries.
And I'm running for president.
You're... you're running again?!
The band is getting back together again!
- Who cc'd Mike?
- I get it, I'm Ringo.
- We need champagne!
- Ben: No, Amy's Ringo.
You're Mark David Chapman's bullet.
How is this even possible?
Tibet! Tibet! It's all Tibet!
We are gonna ride that Dalai Lama
like Mrs. Lama on book club night.
All: Hey!
- And what about Montez?
- She's a Mexican who stole your job.
- She did, in fact, steal my job.
- Her numbers are under agua.
I can't believe this. We're back!
I do need to talk to
you about your role.
And, Mike, I need to talk
to you about your role, too.
- Sweet.
- To Team Meyer.
- All: Team Meyer!
- Second time's the charm.
- It's actually fourth.
- Fourth.
- Fourth time's the charm.
- Yeah, that's fourth, Ma'am.
So, uh, what do you think?
- Beats working for Jonah.
- Yeah.
There's just one last
thing you need to do.
Mm, I'm not gonna do that.
- Selina, you have to do it.
- Mm-mm.
You know, there's a
restaurant in Kowloon
that has a clay-baked chicken dish
that you have to order
24 hours in advance.
Yeah, Jaffar, I can't.
I understand.
24 hours seems like a lot of hoopla
for chicken, doesn't it?
I mean I can't... I can't, um,
go to Hong Kong with you anymore.
No, the Chinese are expecting us.
The Brazil plan is set.
No, I just, you know...
I've been rethinking things,
and there are some new options for me.
Okay?
Post-Tibet.
Um, well...
I don't have any problem with options.
Yeah, but, you know, the options will be
a lot easier without any baggage.
Muslim baggage?
- Jaffar, you are so sophisticated...
- Oh, come on.
And your grasp of geopolitics
is just...
- Selina, what are you...
- And those are assets
anywhere in the world except...
- In America?
- In the United States, yeah.
And most of Europe, except Germany,
you know, 'cause they overcorrect.
You should take this back.
Right?
Yes, I want it back.
- Oh, my God, Madam President!
- Hi.
Selina: Whoo! Council
Bluffs, lowa, here we are!
Exactly 20 minutes from Omaha.
- Not exactly.
- Okay, who has my speech?
- I need my speech.
- Speech.
How are the girls and Big
and Little Richard doing?
- How are your kids, Ben?
- Ooh, touché.
- Ma'am, here's your speech.
- Yes? Oh!
Thank you, Leon. Look at this.
There are no typos,
there are no food stains,
- you spelled Meyer right.
- Well, I am a grown man.
Okay, Madison-Monroe dinner.
- Really brings back old memories, huh?
- Ooh, and she's back.
Knock 'em dead, Ma'am.
Dan, you got a sec?
Uh, yeah, yeah. What's up?
Ben's right... a lot of memories.
- She and I started here seven years ago.
- Oh, tell me about it.
I was here in 2012,
"Steve Bing'd" a couple stewardesses.
Will you stop being
exactly like yourself?
- You're fucking ruining this.
- Ruining what?
Remember a couple months
ago after you got fired
and we had drinks with Ben?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we
had a lot of drinks.
Yeah, well, I'm pregnant and it's yours.
- Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen...
- Fuck!
I really thought things
were starting to turn around.
Selina: Thank you!
Thank you.
Thank you.
It is so great to be back
among all our friends in lowa!
You know, there's been
a lot of speculation
about me running for president.
Again.
But tonight is not about that.
No, over the next few months,
folks, I will embark
on what I call
a feeling tour across America,
from Palo Alto to Hollywood,
from lowa to New Hampshire,
and from the Hamptons
to Wall Street.
I'm going to be with the
real folks out there.
I wanna feel their feelings
and I wanna hear their speakings.
You know, I have to tell you,
when I left the White House,
I could've gone anywhere.
But I didn't.
I chose the South Bronx
so I could feel and smell
what America was all about.
It smells good!
Jonah: Two years ago,
I stood right here in
my old high school gym
where I was chosen for
many, many sports teams,
surrounded by my family
and my... my friends
to seek your support for Congress
as the ultimate insider's outsider.
And if there's one thing
that you should know about me,
Washington insiders, they
didn't like me very much.
So let's send them a message
by shoving the guy
that they hate the most
right back in their faces.
I am announcing my exploratory committee
for the Presidency of the
United States of America,
which basically means
I'm definitely running.
God bless New Hampshire.
God bless the United States of America
and Puerto Rico... if they
can vote for president...
And God bless Jonah Ryan.
Thank you. Thank you.
Okay, people, look, the
president can only do so much
without the cooperation of the Congress.
I can't impress upon you enough
that this process only works
when there's bipartisan communication.
That is what the
Constitution requires, right?
- Okay, you in the back.
- Uh, will this be on the final?
Uh, no comment.
Old habits die hard, I guess.
Uh, yes. No.
Actually, I can neither
confirm nor deny that.
That's an old... you
know what? I don't know.
So we'll deal with it later.
Okay, perfect. Remember,
three branches of government...
Judiciary, legislative,
and there's a third.
And if you wanna know
something about government,
watch this film "Air Force One."
It's a good movie.
Shows you what a president can do.
Nice to meet you, and I'll see you guys
Wednes... Tuesday.
of our third-place finish in lowa,
we fought together for the dream
of becoming the first woman president.
Whoo!
But tonight... tonight, the voters
of Illinois, Missouri, North Carolina...
Ohio, Florida, Texas,
and the territory of Guam
have said otherwise.
God, I really thought
we were gonna win Guam.
And so, ahem...
- I have decided to suspend my campai...
- No!
- Crowd: No!
- Yes, I've decided to suspend my campaign.
Jesus, I need to get drunk
and slop-fuck an intern.
I'm really sorry that I could not
carry this one over the finish line
- for all of you.
- ♪ And we can build this thing together ♪
- And as... oh, my. Wow.
- ♪ Standing strong forever... ♪
As devastating as this loss may be,
you have not seen the
last of Selina Meyer.
Selina for you.
All: Selina for you!
Jonah's mom: Jonie, look,
I have a special treat.
- Hello, former Congressman Ryan.
- Oh, come on!
- Richard.
- What are you even doing here?
Well, your mom said you
could use some Splett pep,
so I brought you this.
See, the box is empty
to show that all you need
to be happy is right here.
- Well, that's stupid.
- Yeah, it was a waste of $30.
Look, save your pity, Richard.
In two years, I'm gonna run
against my motard cousin, Ezra,
who's been a congressman
for, like, two days
and he's already passed, like, 10 bills.
Well, two years is a long time.
I mean, you could petition for a recall
if they weren't unconstitutional.
Wait, can I petition for
a recall against Ezra?
- Unequivocally, no.
- That's a great idea.
- That's awesome.
- Well, it was nice to see you.
I guess I'll see myself out.
Well,
I don't know, as long as you're here...
you wanna play?
I'll let you be Aquaman. No tidal wave.
Does a rabbit need a yearly
vaccination for myxomatosis?
It does. Well, maybe.
It depends on the rabbit.
- But, yes.
- Mom, can Richard stay the night?
Can I please, Mrs. Ryan?
Oh, sure! I'll make
waffles for breakfast.
- Mom, I don't want waffles!
- Okay, then I won't make waffles.
Jaffar: Happy six month
anniversary, my love.
- This belonged to my great-grandmother.
- Oh, my God.
My great-grandfather bought it for her
with the money he made from
his first major arms deal.
Wow. Well, we'll have to
see what I look like later
wearing nothing but blood diamonds.
Selina.
Reporter: Here she
comes. Madam President!
Madam President, Ambassador,
are you two engaged yet?
- Hey, guys.
- It's the woman who freed Tibet!
Montez's numbers are tanking.
Is she gonna have to give
up her Nobel Peace Prize?
How come you never talk
about your stay in Arizona?
Oh, I love the Grand Canyon.
- That's not an answer.
- Man: Look over here!
- Arizona?
- Yeah, it was a spa. It was just a spa.
- It's really nice.
- Gary: Hey! Whoo!
- Hey, lookie, lookie!
- Hi!
Here she is, the most
beautiful woman in the spa.
- Hi, Mom!
- Watch your toesies, watch your toesies.
- Hey, baby!
- Hi!
- Boop-boop!
- Hello, Ma'am.
- Marjorie.
- Marjorie.
- Lovely to see you.
- Hi.
Yes, I'm gonna make
you look pretty, okay?
What's new?
- You were here yesterday. Yeah.
- That's right!
They love you so much,
they can't keep away.
Ma'am, that was a month
ago. Gary is humoring you.
- Okay. Yes, Ma'am.
- Gary,
are you sure that this
isn't too much medication?
- People think we're married.
- I think it's the perfect amount.
How often are you visiting?
- Oh, like, twice a day.
- A lot.
But not as much as I would like.
I got a place about three hours away.
Mom, how are you feeling?
- Losing was just the best.
- Aw.
- Yes, it was.
- Really?
Because politics has a sickness...
That's right, that's right.
- Catherine.
- That's right.
- And it's sick.
- How about some lipstick?
- It's so amazing to hear you say that.
- Yeah.
Mom, we were thinking that maybe
when you're feeling all better,
that maybe you could come live with us.
- Yes, Mom.
- Oh, isn't that nice?
You're beautiful. Catherine,
you are truly beautiful.
- I'll have what she's having.
- You're beautiful.
- Mom, we have a surprise for you!
- Knock-knock!
- Oh.
- As soon as I heard
what a vulnerable state you were in,
- I got on the first flight.
- Hi, Andrew.
Okay, I'm gonna get the
orderly with the big needles.
- Let's not do that.
- You look beautiful.
- Oh, okay.
- Marjorie: Oh.
That, uh...
Selina: Leon West will
not let this spa thing go.
He's like a bald dog with a bone.
Well, Ma'am, a buddy of mine
works at the "Post" snack shop.
- He says Leon's on the outs.
- Really?
The editors think he's lost
all sense of objectivity,
and he's eating Luna bars for women.
- Okay, see? He's unhinged!
- Mm-hmm.
He's like this demented creep
who follows me around...
and gets all in my personal life
and thinks about me 24-7, nonstop.
- Cuckoo!
- Yeah.
- Ma'am?
- Yeah?
They dropped off
- the final model for the library.
- Oh, wow! Look at this!
- Oh, my goodness!
- Look at this.
- So they solved the design problem.
- Yes.
And so now the staircase goes right up
and smashes through the glass ceiling.
Exactly what it's like to be a woman.
Yes, and they're working
on the engineering.
They said it's a little unstable.
Yeah, also what it's like to be a woman.
Lookit, Marjorie! What do you think?
It looks like a vagina, Ma'am.
See? Okay, that's from an expert.
You know, this is what
I said in the beginning.
I'm not seeing that.
Well, you don't have
any frame of reference.
What if you trim the
topiary around the edge?
- That could help.
- Nobody's gonna trim the topiary.
- I'm not a porn star.
- You could be,
- but you chose politics.
- What is this, the clitoris?
You know what would be funny? We
should put the men's bathroom there.
- They'll never find it.
- Well, actually, Ma'am,
the female pleasure
center is quite extensive.
- Gary: Ah.
- Uh, no, it's not.
- And that's the crypt, Ma'am.
- Right, that's what I just said.
No, the crypt.
What?
I'm gonna be buried there?
Yeah, most of the formers
are buried at their libraries.
Mike: Okay, I
gotta... I gotta go.
- Really?
- That was Wendy.
Ellen just got a spot in the Harper
Day School and full financial aid.
See, that wouldn't have
happened if I paid you more.
- More? You never...
- Amy: Now, Ma'am, there is a problem.
What?
As they were prepping
for the groundbreaking,
they discovered the
library might be situated
on the site of Yale's
former slave quarters.
- Oh, come on.
- Mike: What? Yale had slaves back then?
- This is not good, Ma'am.
- Wait, wait, wait, what if we own this?
Not in a slavey way, but, like,
if we put up a very sensitive
exhibit that talks about slavery
and honors the men and
women who suffered there.
Okay, well, that's an
excellent idea, Mike,
but I'm not gonna have my vagi-brary
underground railroaded by this.
- Mm-mm.
- All right, who else knows?
Just the site manager, that's it.
But he's Italian, so he knows
how to keep bodies buried.
Good. Nobody else can know.
Right? Okay, Marjor...? Okay, shit!
Oh, shit!
- Marjorie?!
- Marjorie?!
- Marjorie!
- Marjorie!
- Marjorie!
- Marjorie!
- Marjorie!
- Marjorie!
Slaves, Mother?
No way.
Okay, Cat... what room
is this, Catherine?
- Oh, my God.
- I mean, when did we build
an Indian casino gift shop?
- It's the nursery.
- Seriously?
- My God.
- Well, where are the toys?
Or is the baby gonna
play chess against death?
You know what, Mom, as your daughter...
And the library's third biggest donor.
- Ugh.
- And the library's third biggest donor...
- Oh, I heard her.
- You cannot build this library
on the oppressed backs of
the ancestors of my child!
Listen to me, Catherine Kinte...
- What am I on?
- Nothing.
Okay, so you wanna talk
about second-class citizens?
You wanna do that? Blacks
got the vote in 1870.
- When did women get the vote? 1920!
- Sistas!
Well, the Voting Rights Act was in 1965.
Mom, you are going to be
the grandmother of a child
- that is half black.
- And 1/16 French Huguenot.
I cannot stand that term.
Ma'am, the nomenclature has
moved away from African American.
- It is black...
- No, I'm talking about grandmother.
- Okay? I am still a young woman.
- Gary: Yes.
- Really! Look at my hands.
- Gorgeous.
- Look at my neck, okay?
- Ooh.
I am not about to buried
in a twat of my own making!
I'm still relevant!
Nobody likes a tattletale, Marjorie.
- Well, good morning, ladies.
- Good morning, Ma'am.
Vice President Selina
Meyer to see the president.
- Oh, hey, Ben.
- Madam Vice President.
- How are you?
- I'm good, thank you.
The president is very,
very busy right now.
Oh, I know, I know.
Why don't I show you your office first?
- Oh, sure. Yeah!
- Okay?
- Right across the street here.
- What?
- The EEOB?
- Yeah.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Hughes promised me an
office here in the West Wing.
Well, it's just right across the street.
You'll be neighbors.
Okay, I haven't spoken to my
neighbors in my entire fucking life.
- I don't even know who they are.
- Oh, be glad. I've met them.
All right? You and I both know
that Hughes would never
do this if I was a male VP.
We'd be out, shotgun and beers
and sucking each other off
like Carter and Mondale.
Don't look at me with that smirk.
- You know that's the case.
- Ma'am...
- You need to understand.
- Oh.
The president doesn't actually
want you to do anything
other than continue to be a woman,
which you're doing a pretty okay job at.
- Okay?
- So...
I'm gonna let you walk
the rest of the way.
I'm trying to cut
down on exercise, okay?
He'll call you if he needs you.
Um, well, you are an exceptional woman.
I know, but we are gonna fight this.
- Madam Vice President.
- Yeah.
- God, that feels good to say.
- So where are the new digs, huh?
- Are we close to a kitchen?
- Well, I actually have good news.
We are going to be in the EEOB.
- Oh.
- Yeah. No, it's good.
I'm thinking we need
to distance ourselves
from this sort of "one
and done" administration.
- So, this is your decision?
- Yes, it is.
And you don't want me
- to shut that down right now?
- I'm so sorry to interrupt.
Madam Vice President, I'm Jonah Ryan.
- Okay.
- I am... oh, I am a West Wing intern.
- Oh, congratulations. Okay.
- I just wanna say
it's such an honor to meet you.
The only reason that I voted for Hughes
is because you were on the ticket.
Well, I'm sure you're not alone.
Maybe we can pull some strings
and get you assigned to the EEOB.
Yeah... maybe.
- Oh, Mr. Cafferty!
- See that?
He's kind of cute, Amy.
- What do you think?
- Huh, yeah.
Hello, sir. I just wanna say
what a pleasure it is to meet you.
And the only reason that I voted
for Hughes is because I knew you were
- his campaign man...
- I have two things for you to do.
They're important. Can you handle it?
Of course. Yes, absolutely, sir.
One... get the fuck away from me.
Two... stay the fuck away from me.
- Okay? Can you do that?
- Yes, sir.
I won't let you down.
God, I love interns.
Congressman, there's a simple and easy
solution to the homeless problem...
Pass mandatory sentencing
laws for vagrancy.
Then these unfortunates
will finally have a home...
My prisons.
Look, I hate the homeless
as much as any librarian.
That's why God created subzero
winters and the third rail,
but chances of me pushing for any tax
incentives for these private hoosegows
is about as likely as what, Will?
As me walking out of a bar with less
than 10 types of semen in my hair.
- You can't go in there!
- Sir, I know I don't have an appointment,
- but what I have to say is...
- Furlong: Holy shit!
I can't believe you're actually showing
that camel snatch you call a face in DC.
You're about as welcome here as Jerry
Sandusky at an open call for "Oliver."
Here, you want a dried
apricot? They're Turkish.
Anything I can do to
annoy the Armenians.
All right, good seeing you, Tanzy.
Let me know when you find your wallet.
Oh, hey, Jonah, can
we get lunch sometime?
I wanna talk about you being
the legal guardian to my baby
if anything happens
to me and Mary, okay?
- Yeah, sure.
- Okay.
I hope you're not here for Shawnee.
No, sir. I am here with a final solution
- to restore me to power.
- Jonah, Jonah.
Sir, I will do anything that you say.
I know. That's what I love about you.
It's like that fagela cowboy
movie. "I can't quit you."
Yes, thank you, sir. Butch and Sundance.
The point is now is not the time
to go putzing after
representatives, congressmen.
No! From now on, I'm only
buying senators and presidents.
That's the way to
affect meaningful change.
We'll always have the
shutdown, won't we?
Huge miscalculation.
Selina: Mayor Thompson, I hope
you'll support me in November
in the Senate contest.
- Absolutely, Congresswoman Meyers.
- Thank you.
Thank you. No, op, op, op.
It's Meyer. There's no "S" at the end.
Look, you can see right
here on the... on the bus.
- There's no "S."
- Oh, Jewish.
- No, mm-mm. No.
- No?
Oh, what a great county this is.
I just love... everybody here
is so well-behaved and polite.
- Thank you! What joy! We gotta go.
- It is like Selinamania, right?
- Okay.
- Okay. We gotta go.
Mike: Selina, Selina.
We are fucked two ways
which till Tuesday.
What are you talking about?
We've completely spent
all of our TV money.
Well, who's in charge of that?
Technically, I am, but
when you buy these ads...
That's not my problem. All
right, we're leaving, okay?
Hey, Andrew, we have
gotta fire that Mike guy.
He's the biggest goddamn
idiot I've ever...
Selina! Hey! Uh, boy, I got...
Can you believe I put a pen
in my pocket without a cap?
And Sally was helping
me get the stain out.
You remember Sally
Nuefeld, our biggest donor?
- Nuefeld department stores.
- Hi.
You know, I'm so glad that
I've just run into you, Sally.
- You are?
- We need to make a TV buy tonight.
Otherwise, we're dead in the water.
So maybe you could help us
grease the knob or the
wheel or whatever it is.
- You know, I would love to, Selina...
- Oh, great!
But we've already given to a number
of candidates this cycle, so...
Yeah, you know, I wish
your husband was here
because I would love for
him to hear about the story
of you and Andrew on
the bus with the pen.
- Let me get my checkbook.
- Oh, can we have your pen, Andrew?
- I don't have a pen.
- Oh, you don't.
- Oh! We threw the pen out.
- I don't give a fuck.
- Okay, how does 25,000 sound?
- Well, I'll tell you something,
why don't you put your money
where your mouth was... is...
- And add another zero?
- That should be no problem.
Oh, goody!
Chung: And that's why I need your
help telling the Danny Chung story...
How I pulled a Marine
from a burning tank.
- Yep, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- We're familiar with the story.
How about this? How about an interview
with the soldier that
you pulled from the tank?
- That's an excellent idea.
- Yeah, thank you.
But best not to contact
him for personal reasons,
or, really, anyone who saw it.
I don't wanna retrigger.
But this is the kind of
thinking I need for my team.
- Dan: Mm.
- Well, let us put together an action plan.
- All right.
- Great.
Ready for a change, ready for Chung.
Ready for a "chunge."
First "chunge," we're
gonna fix that slogan.
- Really?
- I'm kidding. It's great.
- Ben: There's Amy. Come on in.
- How you doing, Danny?
You know, we could really use you, Ames.
Give us a little touch of the feminine.
You and I could split those duties.
Yeah, I think I, uh... I've
been waiting a long time
- for us to get together.
- There it is.
- There we go.
- Kent: Back at full strength!
- We can accomplish beautiful things...
- Ben: Absolutely.
- In this town, gentlemen.
- Yeah.
I'm just gonna have to talk to Selina...
- Oh, Amy's out.
- No!
- Thanks for coming in, Ame.
- No!
We're not gonna validate your parking.
- You don't mind that, do you?
- No, I just meant
that I'm gonna tell her
once and for all th-that...
Jaffar: Okay, so Lu wants to
meet in Hong Kong to talk Brazil.
- We'll leave Friday.
- That's so funny because
the lady who does my
Brazilian is from Hong Kong.
- Oh!
- It's Kismit.
I know. It really is, isn't it?
No, her name is Kismit.
They make her use Linda, but...
You know, my favorite
cousin Hamid went here.
He partied his balls off.
Oh, my God, we should've invited
him to come to the thing today.
- Oh, he's not exactly on the yes-fly list.
- Oh.
Mom, I'm so glad my doctor
cleared me to come today.
But you gotta be careful with
that McLintock cervix of yours.
- Oh, it's incompetent cervix, Ma'am.
- That's what I said, Marjorie.
- Zing! You got me, Ma'am.
- Quartie: Hey!
- Quartie!
- Who's the head librarian now?
I love the new design
- on the building there.
- Yeah, right.
My God, looks like Queen Kong's cooter.
That's what we were going for!
- Hog jaw!
- Yeah.
That ain't the first
time I spent 20 million
- on a piece of pussy.
- Oh, good on you, Quartie.
- Okay, have fun.
- Thank you. Yes, yes, yes.
Absolutely. Let's go get
President Caldwell, please.
- On it, Ma'am.
- Yeah.
Now that the library is
officially moving forward,
- I really need clarity on my role.
- Yeah.
So it's time for you to make a decision.
Yes, and I think I did, 'cause
I talked to you about that.
- About?
- The chicken, right?
- Nope.
- You didn't want red meat for a week.
No, no, no, no, who is
in charge of the library?
Is it Richard or is it me?
Because if it's not me, I have...
I have another offer
and I'm going to take...
- Oh, Jim! There you are.
- Madam President.
- Oh.
- This is the President of Yale, Ma'am.
- I found him.
- How are you?
Well, I've got a professor of
gender studies suing for tenure.
- You can imagine what that's about.
- Oh, my God.
Well, this thing shouldn't take too
long, so we can get you out of here.
Actually, Madam President,
the "Washington Post" called
asking for comment on the
story that the library site
was originally the
university's slave quarters.
That's Leon. It's gotta be Leon.
I'm embarrassed, but the
university is going to have to
take some time to study the situation.
What? What are you talking about?
We're having the groundbreaking today.
If it were up to me,
we'd be putting up drywall
on your vagina building today.
Well, I appreciate that,
- Jim, I really do.
- But in the current climate
with the lawsuit and
with one of our adjuncts
in the Hillel function
with the sombrero...
- Okay, I don't know what that is.
- you can understand that this is not a time
we wanna put a spotlight on our
historic association with slavery.
After all, this is Yale, not Brown.
- I got waitlisted there.
- Catherine: Oh, oh, ow, ow, ow!
Ma'am, I think her
water just broke, Ma'am.
- Good Christ!
- Are you kidding me?
I will be in touch. In the meantime,
if you're trying to get out of
town, don't take High Street.
The KKK... that's the
Kool Kweers of Kolor...
Oh.
Is having a "pee-in" in
front of Skull and Bones.
Got that. Thank you.
- I mean...
- Ma'am.
Yale pulled out without even
coming on my tits?
Things sure have changed
since I went to college.
We're gonna take her back
to Mount Sinai, Ma'am.
Let's go.
Doctor: Here we go.
Andrew: These are genuine
pieces of the wall.
The baby's crowing.
You know what? I should go.
- Here come the shoulders.
- Oh, my God,
I wish I had let you do anal.
It would've hurt less than this!
- See?
- Oh, I'll up the dosage on your spinal.
Oh, God, I like her. I like you.
- Have you decided on a name?
- No. What's your name?
- Sandra.
- Yeah, not that.
Hey, how about those ice chips?
- Selina: I need ice chips.
- Hi, I'm Gary.
- Hi.
- I ground these myself.
- Okay.
- The hospital ones are so big.
- There we go. There you go.
- Thank you.
- Oh, my God.
- Okay.
- Okay, Doctor...
- Sengupta.
- Gundupta.
- I'm gonna get you a cookie.
Right here. Here we go, push.
Okay, we're looking good.
- We're looking good. Here it comes.
- Oh, my God!
Congratulations, Mommy and Daddy.
- Here's your baby.
- Is that its hair?
- Yeah.
- Will you be nursing?
No. My God, I'm not a goat.
- No, those are for Daddy.
- Selina: Ooh, God, Sandra?
Can you write down your number in
case we have any questions about it?
- Okay.
- You can give it to my husband, Andrew.
Hi.
- I think I wanna run for Congress.
- Huh.
Oh, some black shit is coming out of it.
- Good... yeah.
- Loud. It's so loud.
I've never heard anything
quite like... ooh.
Ugh, it's loud.
Oh, ah.
- You went ahead without me.
- The baby has my elbows.
Mom, where have you been?
They're ready to send us home.
Okay, well, Catherine, slaves
have ruined my library...
- Yeah.
- so you can stop attacking me.
You know how busy your
mother is, Catherine.
- What are you doing here?
- Our daughter wanted at least
one of her parents to be here.
- Fortunately, I was available.
- So, what is it? What do we got?
- A boy or a girl?
- Well, if we're judging by sex organs,
which apparently we're not, it's a boy.
- Thank God.
- Would you like to hold him, Grandma'am?
- I'll take your purse.
- No, it's fine.
- I'll just give him a boop-boop, pat-pat.
- I packed your toiletries,
- so you're all set to go.
- Selina: Monnie.
- Oh! Grandma!
- Yeah.
Congratulations.
Okay, when did you come
back into the picture?
- What do you mean?
- Nope. Mm-mm.
Is Mama ready to roll out?
Oh, my God, I can't believe it!
- Oh, thank you.
- You're Monica from "Monica."
Oh, yeah!
It is a dream of mine
to cook with you someday.
- It's my dream, too.
- Aw, well, we should make that happen.
I'll get your number.
Absolutely, we should make that happen.
- Go, just go.
- Open up a bottle of Chateau Montelena.
Okay, so what are we calling him?
Aluminum? Tenafly? Ribbon?
- We haven't landed on a name yet.
- I don't mind Tenafly.
You know, what about Richard?
That would be kind of cute 'cause
then we could call him Little Richard.
Love!
I was actually named after
my godmother, Richardina.
- Everybody just called her Regina.
- Selina: Oh, boy.
You know what, actually, I
probably wasn't named after her.
I just got here, but I
guess we're leaving now.
Oh, hello! Look at this little creature.
Looks just like both of you.
- Oh! Hi.
- Hi. How are you?
So, in the Quran, it is recommended
that upon the birth of a child,
a father should slaughter two goats.
However, out of respect
for your veganism,
I got you the wipe warmer instead.
- Yes! Yes, thank you.
- Oh! Wow, thank you.
Ambassador Jaffar, if I could
nibble your ear for a moment
about a sand opportunity
I'm currently involved with.
- I'm all set with sand.
- But this is beach sand.
He doesn't want sand.
Madam President!
This is traumatizing for the baby.
No, I know. You know
what? I'm gonna help you.
- I'm gonna help you out.
- Mom.
- We're good. Shh.
- Everyone say hello to Little Richard.
- Is that the baby's name?
- Yes.
- No, it's not.
- I have to say
that as the proud grand...
- Mother.
- mother of an African American baby,
I would rather never have
a presidential library
than to have one that is built
on the backs of dead slaves.
- Shame on Yale.
- Yeah.
- And shame on Amy Brookheimer.
- Yes.
Oh, and this is my lesbian daughter's
Native American lesbian
life partner, Marjorie.
- Sweetie.
- Leon: Madam President,
the American public would like to know
when you're going to come clean
about your stay at Whispering Sands.
Okay, well, I have a confession to make.
Both my daughter and my mother
have struggled greatly
with very serious
mental health problems.
- What?
- Don't worry, it runs in my family, too.
You know, if this administration
continues to ignore
the mental health
crisis in this country,
well, you know, it's crazy.
It really is. Yeah, thank you.
Thank you very much. I
appreciate it. Thank you!
Amy: Ma'am, I'm so sorry
you lost your library.
You know, last night, I dreamt that
I removed Leon West's balls
with an ice cream scoop
- and I think I actually came.
- Is everything always ice cream with you?
- Just say the word, Ma'am, and I will...
- Amy, Amy.
I leaked it to Leon.
Why? Why would you Kurt
Cobain your own library?
Because, girlie,
only former presidents have libraries.
And I'm running for president.
You're... you're running again?!
The band is getting back together again!
- Who cc'd Mike?
- I get it, I'm Ringo.
- We need champagne!
- Ben: No, Amy's Ringo.
You're Mark David Chapman's bullet.
How is this even possible?
Tibet! Tibet! It's all Tibet!
We are gonna ride that Dalai Lama
like Mrs. Lama on book club night.
All: Hey!
- And what about Montez?
- She's a Mexican who stole your job.
- She did, in fact, steal my job.
- Her numbers are under agua.
I can't believe this. We're back!
I do need to talk to
you about your role.
And, Mike, I need to talk
to you about your role, too.
- Sweet.
- To Team Meyer.
- All: Team Meyer!
- Second time's the charm.
- It's actually fourth.
- Fourth.
- Fourth time's the charm.
- Yeah, that's fourth, Ma'am.
So, uh, what do you think?
- Beats working for Jonah.
- Yeah.
There's just one last
thing you need to do.
Mm, I'm not gonna do that.
- Selina, you have to do it.
- Mm-mm.
You know, there's a
restaurant in Kowloon
that has a clay-baked chicken dish
that you have to order
24 hours in advance.
Yeah, Jaffar, I can't.
I understand.
24 hours seems like a lot of hoopla
for chicken, doesn't it?
I mean I can't... I can't, um,
go to Hong Kong with you anymore.
No, the Chinese are expecting us.
The Brazil plan is set.
No, I just, you know...
I've been rethinking things,
and there are some new options for me.
Okay?
Post-Tibet.
Um, well...
I don't have any problem with options.
Yeah, but, you know, the options will be
a lot easier without any baggage.
Muslim baggage?
- Jaffar, you are so sophisticated...
- Oh, come on.
And your grasp of geopolitics
is just...
- Selina, what are you...
- And those are assets
anywhere in the world except...
- In America?
- In the United States, yeah.
And most of Europe, except Germany,
you know, 'cause they overcorrect.
You should take this back.
Right?
Yes, I want it back.
- Oh, my God, Madam President!
- Hi.
Selina: Whoo! Council
Bluffs, lowa, here we are!
Exactly 20 minutes from Omaha.
- Not exactly.
- Okay, who has my speech?
- I need my speech.
- Speech.
How are the girls and Big
and Little Richard doing?
- How are your kids, Ben?
- Ooh, touché.
- Ma'am, here's your speech.
- Yes? Oh!
Thank you, Leon. Look at this.
There are no typos,
there are no food stains,
- you spelled Meyer right.
- Well, I am a grown man.
Okay, Madison-Monroe dinner.
- Really brings back old memories, huh?
- Ooh, and she's back.
Knock 'em dead, Ma'am.
Dan, you got a sec?
Uh, yeah, yeah. What's up?
Ben's right... a lot of memories.
- She and I started here seven years ago.
- Oh, tell me about it.
I was here in 2012,
"Steve Bing'd" a couple stewardesses.
Will you stop being
exactly like yourself?
- You're fucking ruining this.
- Ruining what?
Remember a couple months
ago after you got fired
and we had drinks with Ben?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we
had a lot of drinks.
Yeah, well, I'm pregnant and it's yours.
- Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen...
- Fuck!
I really thought things
were starting to turn around.
Selina: Thank you!
Thank you.
Thank you.
It is so great to be back
among all our friends in lowa!
You know, there's been
a lot of speculation
about me running for president.
Again.
But tonight is not about that.
No, over the next few months,
folks, I will embark
on what I call
a feeling tour across America,
from Palo Alto to Hollywood,
from lowa to New Hampshire,
and from the Hamptons
to Wall Street.
I'm going to be with the
real folks out there.
I wanna feel their feelings
and I wanna hear their speakings.
You know, I have to tell you,
when I left the White House,
I could've gone anywhere.
But I didn't.
I chose the South Bronx
so I could feel and smell
what America was all about.
It smells good!
Jonah: Two years ago,
I stood right here in
my old high school gym
where I was chosen for
many, many sports teams,
surrounded by my family
and my... my friends
to seek your support for Congress
as the ultimate insider's outsider.
And if there's one thing
that you should know about me,
Washington insiders, they
didn't like me very much.
So let's send them a message
by shoving the guy
that they hate the most
right back in their faces.
I am announcing my exploratory committee
for the Presidency of the
United States of America,
which basically means
I'm definitely running.
God bless New Hampshire.
God bless the United States of America
and Puerto Rico... if they
can vote for president...
And God bless Jonah Ryan.
Thank you. Thank you.
Okay, people, look, the
president can only do so much
without the cooperation of the Congress.
I can't impress upon you enough
that this process only works
when there's bipartisan communication.
That is what the
Constitution requires, right?
- Okay, you in the back.
- Uh, will this be on the final?
Uh, no comment.
Old habits die hard, I guess.
Uh, yes. No.
Actually, I can neither
confirm nor deny that.
That's an old... you
know what? I don't know.
So we'll deal with it later.
Okay, perfect. Remember,
three branches of government...
Judiciary, legislative,
and there's a third.
And if you wanna know
something about government,
watch this film "Air Force One."
It's a good movie.
Shows you what a president can do.
Nice to meet you, and I'll see you guys
Wednes... Tuesday.