Veep (2012–…): Season 6, Episode 2 - Library - full transcript

Hey, ma'am, I think somebody's coming.

Oh. Uh-oh.

Oh!

- Oh, my God.
- Gary.

Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God!

Oh!

- Oh!
- Ah, President Meyers.

President Stevenson!

Enjoying a stroll down memory lane?

Well, I'll tell you something,
if this were my library,

I would make sure the people
could sit behind the desk.



Can you even have a library?

Seems like it'd be more
like a bookmobile.

- Yeah.
- Oh, my goodness, you're so funny!

If only the American people could've
known you for your sense of humor

instead of your bizarre
indifference to apartheid.

President Stevenson.

- Ah, Mr. Splett.
- Ma'am, I found one.

You found what?

You told me to find all
the pictures of you.

- I didn't say that.
- Is that your purse?

No. Let's go and see what else
Hughes stole from the West Wing.

You want to? I think we're
about to start this thing.

- sync and corrections by Mr. C -
- www.addic7ed.com -

I don't understand how a guy who never
cracked a book can open up a library.



Let me tell you something,

Hughes literally grabbed this
chopper the day you left office.

How they "Jewed him down,"
as Mother used to say

when she wasn't busy telling me he
only picked me as a running mate

so that he could look taller.

Oh, my God. Supermodels are your height.

It doesn't matter. She's dead.
Who cares?

Hey, that reminds me, we need to find
a place for Andrew's desk upstairs.

How is an ex-president's
ex moving back in with her

gonna go over with small-town America?

Unlike small-town America,

Andrew fucks me in a way I really enjoy.

- Oh, wow!
- Mm-hmm.

Ma'am, may I get one with
you and the first ladies?

Oh, absolutely!

No Mrs. Hughes. She must be hanging
from the rafters somewhere.

- Gale!
- Don't forget the first husbands.

Madame President, you
look stunning in white.

Where's la presidenta?

I believe she is with President
Hughes and the other formers

taking pictures in front
of Air Force One.

Wait, that wasn't on the schedule.

I think it was an impromptu thing.

They just happened to be
chatting amongst themselves.

Got it. So good to see you!

Former fuckers.

This is as impromptu as a colonoscopy

except with quadruple the assholes.

Are we running from
something scary, ma'am?

No.

Richard, you slow down. It'll
look like I'm not running.

- Gary, you go fast.
- Yep!

Oh, no, that's too fast.

Okay, folks, listen up.

I want a library.

I guess I could give
up the gift wrapping room.

No, no, no, I want a goddamn

"look at the size of my dick,"

"bring history to life"
presidential library.

Mm-hmm.

I'm the only living president
who doesn't have one.

And you wanna know why that is?

Because you served less than one year?

No. Because nobody gives me any respect.

I was a two-term senator.

I was a congresswoman.

- A mother.
- No!

I was the first woman vice president.

And America cannot forget that.

Never forget.

Oh, sorry, that's the Holocaust.

- Totally forgot.
- I need a monument to Selina Meyer.

- An institution.
- Selina Meyer belongs in an institution.

- It was a spa.
- Let's do this!

Oh, you know what? We're on an airplane.
I know that.

What are you thinking
about for a location?

- It's gonna be Yale.
- Oh.

Yale has the prestige.

And, boys, it's where
I went to law school.

So, I mean, Yale's just perfect.

Your outfits alone are gonna be a wing.

- Dresses, belts...
- Now, look,

I want you to start
lining up architects.

I wanna talk to every Tom,
Dick, and Gehry out there.

Maybe a female candidate.

Well, we're not redoing a
kitchen, here, you know?

And we need to tell them that the
Kennedy Library is a reference point

'cause, you know, he was
also a part-termer.

Right.

Can I bring anything?

Ah, don't bring a thing. I'm gonna
make my famous paella valenciana.

We're looking forward to seeing you
and your lovely wife on Saturday.

All right, can't be too safe.

That sweaty pederast has ruined
more kids than the Common Core.

Luckily, Will's anal halitosis

renders him completely unbouffable.

- Tell 'em why, Will.
- I'm fortunate to be odious

to all colors of the sexual spectrum.

So, what is it? Speak,
Professor X-Gayvier.

Minority Leader Furlong, with
Congressman Shields' retirement,

there is an empty seat
on Ways and Means, so...

Yeah, let me save you the peanut
log you're about to squeeze

out of your face anus here... no.

You remain in detention
on the Ethics Committee

with the rest of the
special ed Breakfast Club.

Nobody in Congress cares about ethics.

Jonah Ryan needs to make waves.

- Dismissed, GI Slow.
- I'm free Saturday night.

I am shocked.

Good luck getting your precious back
from those mean hobbits, Sméagol.

- Uh, Kent.
- Will.

I, uh... I'm so sorry, but,
you know, a job's a job.

That's a false equivalence, but
I appreciate the sentiment.

The first couple of years
are the toughest, but...

- Kent!
- Will!

- What is this music, ma'am?
- It's Brazilian music.

- Andrew gave it to me.
- Ma'am, could you please stop dancing?

'Cause I'm just... I'm framing
out your dress right now.

You know, you're using an awful
lot of paint for down there.

Maybe use it for up
here and focus on this.

Oh, yeah, let's give the
people what they want.

Okay, that's really...

- I'm sorry, that was too much.
- way out of line.

- But, yes.
- Knock, knock.

Sorry to interrupt. Can we take five?

Oh, uh, yeah. Sorry, Helen.

Just five for a second. No,
Gary knows how to do this.

- Okay, ma'am. Oh, sorry.
- What are you doing?

God damn it, what is it?

Lee, I've been rustling the bushes...

- Yes?
- and it turns out that people are

considerably more interested in your library
than they are in adult literacy or AIDS.

Well, I guess AIDS had a good run.

It did.

Um, I have a Pakistani
industrialist friend

who's interested in donating $20 million

if you get his cousin
off the no-fly list.

As long as he promises not
to blow up my library,

I mean, I don't really give a shit.

- Sure.
- Okay.

Richard!

I've been standing here
the entire time, ma'am.

Just trying to keep still in
case I'm in the painting.

No, you're not in the painting.
Come here.

So, listen, in terms of the library,

I really wanna have a
reflecting pool someplace

for people to come and sit and reflect

on what this cocksuck
of a country did to me.

- My pen's just out of ink.
- Let's go.

I'm gonna scratch it into the paper

and then kind of go back
over and trace over

and see what I wrote before,
like in a suspense movie.

Also, we heard back from Yale and
their response was emphatic.

It's a no.

Okay, Helen, I'm so sorry. Can
we just take another five?

Gary, I don't know why you
keep doing that because...

Okay, just get back.

What did Yale say? What
did they say exactly?

They said the Sherman
Tanz pardon was unsavory

and not in line with the values of Yale.

Then they asked for a donation to their
annual fund. How much do we send?

Okay, who else do we know that
went to Yale that can help us out?

I did. I can call my RA.
We're still pretty close.

Okay, well, that's, you know...

Well, your undergrad alma
mater, Smith College,

said they were open to exploring.

Just like a Smith girl,
open to exploring.

Lesbians would really know
how to run a library...

You know, it might not be a bad idea.

A woman president, women's college,

three hours from New York.

And the fall foliage is amazing!

You know what, can I just say something?

Fuck Yale University.

- Fuck Yale.
- Yeah.

I'm not really comfortable
with that kind of language.

Fuck Yale University.

- We're going with Smith.
- Ellen. Have you guys seen Ellen?

- Who?
- My daughter.

I had to bring her to work today,
and we're playing hide and seek,

and now I can't find her.

- I'm here, Mike! I'm going to hide again!
- Oh, shit!

- Oh, my God.
- No, no, we're not hiding anymore.

Oh, she's too much!

How the fuck long was that kid here for?

I think just since today,
but I can't be sure.

We about done, you think?

Well, we just got started, ma'am.

What?

It may look sunny,

but with temperatures plunging
down into the single digits,

the Coney Island Polar Bear Club is
really earning its name this year.

Hey, guys, wait for me!

Yeah!

All right! Oh!

Oh, my God! God, that's cold!

- It's great, right?
- I don't think this is working.

- Well, obviously...
- Denise! I'd cut it.

I'm sure that there are some
bored housewives out there

that would enjoy ogling
your Walter Cronkite,

but to me, it looks
like local morning news

from, I don't know, Delaware.

No, it's so Delaware.

- And, yeah, of course.
- Denise!

Jane, this piece was your idea.
I didn't even wanna do it.

Danny, I respect what
you are trying to do,

but maybe this isn't the best fit.

"Not the best fit" the piece or
"not the best fit" you and me?

- Mostly the piece.
- Hey, Jane!

- You're late.
- Okay.

Honestly, it could've gone worse.

Did you see that?

I was standing right there
and Furlong didn't invite me

to his little power broker dinner party.

I love paella.

Wives in this town make
the social calendar.

Mrs. Furlong likes inviting couples,

not unregistered sex offenders.

If you wanna position yourself
for higher office long term,

you will need a committed
partner, specifically, a woman.

Fuck that dated paradigm!

I am a balling bachelor
sexual congressman,

and I will be passing bills by
day and smashing gash by night.

Congressman, being a
bachelor in this town

means you're gayer than a TV evangelist.

God damn it! I hate homophobia.

If it's any consolation,
statistically speaking,

married politicians have more
sex with more single women

than single politicians.

Fine. Find me Mrs. Ryan.

- Okay.
- Not my mom.

I don't give a damn

what people say about Hoyt Steptoe,

but when my opponent
spreads lies about my wife?

How dare you, Buddy Calhoun?

- How dare you?
- No, he isn't.

He's crying. Haha, what a fucking girl!

Can I borrow you for a second,
Miss Brookheimer?

I did not do this,

absolutely, positively.

Fine, I did it!

But that's my job.

I need to clear my head,
because this whole campaign

is not going the way I envisioned it.

Oh, what did you envision, Woody,

that you and Buzz Lightyear
would win this election

and Andy would play with you again?

Will you play that back?

I wanna see him cry again.

All right, hit "POTUS SUV."

- Mm-hmm.
- Now select playlist.

- And voila.
- There you go, babe.

Oh, I like that.

Hey, who are we meeting
with again today?

The President of Smith
College, Regina Pell.

Gigi Pell. God, that's
a blast from the past.

Aw, you were college buddies?

No, I don't really
remember her that well.

Also, estimates for construction
are coming in at $300 million.

- What?
- The money's out there.

We just can't get our
hands on it right now.

How do you get this to read the
texts and emails out loud?

I mean, can we reallocate
some of the money

from the Meyer Fund to the library?

- Absolutely, yes.
- That's actually a felony.

So, we just tell them
that we have it all...

And then we just shuffle papers around

until it looks like we actually do.

- Okay.
- That's also a felony.

In order to find an ideal match,

the restaurant, table, food, and time

will be the same for every
date to establish a control.

- The girl will be different.
- Jesus, Kent.

He's just gotta go to a
Laundromat, meet a girl,

take her to a movie, a little chit-chat,

couple-three drinks, standard
hayjay in the cab home,

and a year later, he's a father.

I mean, why do you make it
so goddamn complicated?

You know, one time, I tried hitting
on a girl at a Laundromat.

For somebody with broken
English, she was real uppity.

- There's your answer.
- Carry on.

Every potential mate
has been preselected

from the online dating pool
of DC women ages 25 to 30

with a strong interest in
marriage to you in particular.

Son of a bitch. I'm gonna go broke
paying for all those dates.

Unlikely. There's only four.

We had to extend to the greater
Baltimore, Arlington, Alexandria area

to find them.

Well, we got a "maybe" in Delaware.

That's right.

She's waiting to see
your hair grow back.

So, maybe five?

I'd budget for four.

I must say I'm just
blown away that you were able

to raise so much money so quickly.

You know what? I think I'm
gonna go buy a Splett shirt.

Uh, sweatshirt. Yeah, that's
what we call it in my family.

Okay, great.

Well, this could not
come at a better time.

The Selina Meyer Presidential Library

and School for Public
Policy and Women's Studies

is just where we need to be headed.

I think that title is a
bit of a word salad.

Maybe trim that last part about women.

And of course you would be offered
a full tenured professorship.

Oh, now, would that mean I would have...

Teach? Oh, no. God, no.

- Because my schedule...
- Your schedule...

is just constantly...

- in flux.
- fucked.

Flux. That's what I said.

- Did you wanna hang that?
- Yeah.

- Great.
- Wow!

- I just... I can't believe it.
- Look at us.

Do you remember that night junior year?

No.

Chardonnay on the quad
after Julia Child Day?

You know what, I'm
strictly a scotch girl

and I always have been,

so I never really experimented...

with Chardonnay.

Um, so I think you've got me
confused with somebody else.

- I don't think I was confused.
- Good for you.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- All right.
- So... oh, we're going up here?

Yes, we are going up here.

I understand you
girls have some questions

- about the library.
- Yeah.

You know what, actually,
just before that...

Mm-hmm, sure.

I wanted to ask you about your
controversial pardon of Sherman Tanz...

Renee.

..and the recent revelations
of widespread abuse

in his women's prisons
that he owns in New York.

- Wait till she crosses her legs.
- Sure, okay.

Things aren't always as black
and white as they may seem.

- Um...
- Now, now, now, now, now.

Not that it matters,

but as a nephew of a
survivor of the Holocaust...

- Mm.
- mm...

Sherman Tanz is particularly sensitive

to prison conditions.

And he is intimately involved

with every aspect of his company.

Now, that being said, he had
no idea what was going on.

And he immediately fired the
number five man in charge

as well as a couple of sixes.

- But, you know, the male-dominated media...
- Yes.

they just can't help themselves.

Sadly, it's what I've come to expect

from the gatekeepers
of this patriarchal...

"phallus quo."

- I apologize.
- Phallus!

That's why it's so vital

that we have a school
for public policy...

And women's studies.

TBD... here at Smith.

- Yes.
- So...

That's our first woman president, y'all!

Yeah, holla, holla, holla.

Thank you.

Sorry, ma'am.

Wendy's mom couldn't babysit today.

But we can keep cracking
away at that prologue.

I've got some exciting ideas.

I hope one of them is changing
out of that shroud of urine.

- Say bye-bye.
- It doesn't have to say goodbye.

Remember that we have the fundraiser

- for the library tonight.
- I do, yes.

- Wear something tight.
- Huh?

That's not for them, that's for me.

Oh, you are bad!

Agreed.

Hey, Dad, can you move your desk?

Gary, you gotta give
Mike one of your shirts.

They're bespoke tailored.

until Mommy and I figure out
our new co-living arrangements.

Well, I guess I'll just
wrap gifts on the sidewalk.

I thought you'd be more supportive.

Remember in seventh grade
when you ran away?

You were crying and crying 'cause you
wanted Daddy and I to get back together.

Then you sent me to etiquette camp.

Yes, where you learned
to interrupt, evidently.

Did Mike bring his babies?

Those babies are so
delicious, I could eat them.

Well, that would quiet them down.

- Speaking of, Dad, Mom...
- Gary.

Marjorie and I are having a baby.

What?

This is wonderful, wonderful news.

Wait a minute, what? One
of you is pregnant?

Congratulations. So, which
one of you is the carrier?

Oh, we're not pregnant yet.

We're just gonna look for a sperm donor.

If Catherine's uterus is as
loamy as the doctor says,

you're gonna be a grand... ma'am.

But I'm only 49.

Let's catch up later.

- I have to jet.
- Wait, you're leaving now, Andrew?

This is thrilling news!

- Yeah, but...
- I have to tell the world.

Hey, just so you guys know,

you gotta be careful with sperm banks.

- Did you hear about the one in Georgia?
- No.

Turns out the guy was actually
a mentally ill felon.

Oh, my God. Can you imagine
having a baby in Georgia?

Jesus Christ.

You have to pick someone
you know that you trust.

Why don't you use Gary's sperm? It's
just sitting there gathering dust.

I mean, if it came to that.

God, I wish there were some way
we could do this without men.

- No offense.
- None taken.

Okay, I can't look at you, Cape Fear,

until Gary gets you a shirt.

- What size are you?
- Me? Large.

Hey, do you know how they
remove a cancerous testicle?

No.

A lot of people think that they
just slice one off, right?

What they really do is they make an
incision just a little bit further up,

and they go in and they
grab the testicle,

and they pull it out of the scrotum

and out through the body.

Oh, and I know what you're thinking.

The one that I still have,

like, it works just fine.

- Of course.
- All right, so who's hungry?

Oh, I... yeah.

Oh, you can get a dessert or
an appetizer, but not both.

Dessert, then. I got a sweet tooth.

Okay.

Question... do you have any
current pictures of your mother?

I'm gonna need both front and rear.

You know, I just gotta
run to the bathroom.

- All right, cool. No, of course.
- Great.

Oh, the bathrooms are that way.

Okay, so who's
the big swinging dick

at this fundraising gang bang tonight?

David Sloane, hedge fund manager.
He's in for a million.

1.5 if we can get his
dyslexic daughter into Smith.

Well, maybe get her to write the check.
Get 5.1 out of him.

What do you think about our
little girl becoming a mother?

Ugh, I'm just... I'm feeling really old.

You're being ridiculous.

People are gonna think you're
the hot, young babysitter.

- No, they won't.
- Like we played last night.

Oh, my God.

Stop it, Mr. Meyer.

- Do you want a snack or... no?
- No, thanks.

You have three
text messages from Helen Wright.

- Is that my phone?
- No, my pants didn't vibrate.

Oh, that's me. Sorry,
I'll get... turn that off.

Do you
want to hear the messages?

Nah, nah, that's okay.

- I did not recognize that command.
- No.

You have to really enunciate. No. No.

Message number one... "I can still taste
you in my mouth from last night."

What the fuck is going on?

Boy, we should not be listening to that.

That's probably to her boyfriend.

I imagine she's texting
while riding her bicycle

and sent it to me by mistake.

Second message... "You came so much.

Andrew, we ruined your
wife's pretty office chair.

I get so hot thinking of the
president sitting in our love puddle.

Call me after the fundraiser."

That was a long one. She
must be at a light.

Look, Lee...

Not one fucking word.

You are the devil!

- You are the fucking devil!
- Jesus Christ, he's crazy!

You are the fucking devil!

No, Gary! Stop!

- Gary!
- I swear to God!

- I will kill you in your face!
- Stop it!

- President Meyer!
- Hello. Hey!

So happy to see you. Thank you.

- Does the library have a name?
- It's the Selina Meyer

Presidential Library and School for
Public Policy, and that's all.

We're really excited.
Really, really excited.

Thank you so much. Yeah, we have
a lot of good friends here.

So, luckily, the doctors

were able to remove the mass
without a full mastectomy,

so I got to keep my nipple.

Whoo-hoo, right?

I'm gonna go ahead and
be honest with you.

That was the most disgusting
story I've ever heard.

Now I can't... I can't
finish my chicken piccata.

- Excuse me.
- Yes?

We're gonna get her dessert to go.

Sorry, I think I have to
use the restroom, okay?

The restroom is that way.

I mean, I just can't believe
I fell for it again!

Andrew is very hard to get rid of.

He's like the herpes virus
or an unwanted child.

In this case, he gave me both.

You can't just be that woman

who's standing by her man,

smiling like Lobotomy Barbie

- while he goes fucking...
- I know, I know.

- But, Amy, do you think that...
- Ma'am, I gotta go.

Well, Amy Brookheimer
just hung up on me.

Doesn't get lower than that, does it?

Oh, you are really
loving this, aren't you?

Well, I just didn't wanna tell
you "I told you so," but...

- Because you didn't.
- Okay.

Right? You just rolled your eyes
like the world's bitchiest mime.

Like you just did right there.

- And there it is again, see?
- Hey, Mom?

I just wanted to see how you were doing.

God, I'm really starting to understand
this whole lesbian thing now.

- Glad you're coming around.
- I'm just getting drunk here

on Gary's great bourbon from
his inbred backwoods family.

What? There is zero
inbreeding in my family.

- Well, that's not true at all.
- And only case of schizophrenia,

but my uncle-grandpa had her sterilized,

and we are all good...

Now he's just going on and
on for no apparent reason.

Listen, honey, I want you to
tell your whore of a father

that I fired the art skank.

- Yeah.
- Well, I'm not gonna tell him you said that,

but I am really sorry
that Dad did this to you.

Oh.

That is just the sweetest thing.

We're just one big, happy family!

- Oh, no.
- Okay.

You know what I'm thinking? Maybe...

maybe this isn't a good time

for you to get pregnant.

- You are the worst.
- Oh.

- Ugh.
- What?

Where is that... what?

- That's from her father.
- Yeah.

Ma'am,

you are unstable and manipulative,

and I worry about the genes
you'll pass down to your child...

- Mm.
- but your ex is worse.

I appreciate that. Means a lot.

You're like a son to me.

Thank you, ma'am.

You can call me "Mom."

Thank you, Mom.

Except, you know, it
doesn't quite sound right,

- you know, when you hear it out loud.
- Mm-mm.

- So, let's just stick with the ma'am.
- Ma'am.

- Yes, ma'am.
- Yeah, yeah, thank you.

- Yeah, that was a good edit.
- Right?

- Yeah.
- Really good edit.

- Go back to where we were with that.
- Yeah.

Ugh.

- Do you wanna label any of these boxes?
- No!

And I want all the touch screens

to say that they're powered
by my clean energy initiative

'cause those ecotards love that shit.

- Do you want a butterscotch?
- Oh, never for me.

Ma'am, bad news. Helen Wright is
going public with you firing her.

It's in the "Post" and
getting traction elsewhere.

Jesus Christ!

She's telling the world about
how she was blowing Andrew

in my office chair?!

No, ma'am, it's mostly about
how Andrew pursued her,

how she's the victim,
how she lost her job,

and then there's this nickname stuff.

What nickname stuff are
you talking about?

Apparently, Andrew kept referring
to his penis as the "First Chubby."

- Oof.
- Oh, God.

- All right, your fly is down.
- What?

Oh, wait, guys, we don't have a problem.

Helen signed an NDA.

We're gonna sue her for
breach of contract.

Well, we could had we paid her.

- Who was in charge of that?
- Andrew.

Okay, well, fucked again
by the First Chubby.

And both of your shoes are untied.

How did that happen?

I got one theory.

Oh, my God.

- What?
- This Helen thing is exploding.

It's everywhere. Are you sure you don't
wanna hire a communications director?

- Okay, fine, you're hired.
- Oh, congratulations!

What are they saying?

Well, they're mad at you
for victim-blaming Helen

for Andrew's behavior.

- You're fired.
- Tough break, buddy.

I'm the only one who
didn't do anything wrong

in this "trifuckta."

And now I'm wearing the scarlet letter?

Oh, that is your color.

Oh, ma'am, look how excited
they are to see you.

Oh, wait, you may not wanna
look out the window.

...no library!

No justice, no library!

- No justice, no library!
- I understand everything.

I'll tell you something, I can
tell you're very emotional

because I'm very emotional,
too, about this issue.

- Helen Wright is a victim!
- I think that we are both victims...

- How the fuck can you say that?!
- I can say that...

- Don't talk over me!
- Okay.

I think we need to tone down...

Why are you even here?!

Scandal continues
to dog Selina Meyer...

- What is this snapping?
- as allegations of sexual misconduct

swirl around her
ex-husband, Andrew Meyer.

And speaking of politics,

he's 28 feet tall and
only bathes once a year.

That's right, Jane.

The Lincoln Memorial has been
undergoing its annual cleaning,

so I'm heading to DC.

Gonna check in with
the people down there

that are involved with the project.

- Very exciting stuff.
- What fun!

Don't forget to pack
your long johns, Danny.

Will do.

So, until tomorrow, I'm Jane McCabe.

- And I'm Danny Egan.
- See you in the tomorrow.

- And we're clear.
- Denise!

- Do me a favor.
- Sure, man.

Wrap that wire around
my neck until I'm dead.

I am so sorry about
the protest out there.

I don't like the word shrill
because it's so misogynistic,

- but in this case...
- Believe me, I understand.

I mean, there isn't a
tampon in the world...

Right?

big enough to soak up
that mess out there, my God.

So, um, I think the architects
are meeting us today or...?

Selina, we have to put
the library on hold.

What?!

Because of those 18-year-old
bitches out there?!

What am I supposed to do,
rehire Frida Swallow?

Oh, well...

Oh, well, that's not gonna happen.

- It would totally defuse their rage.
- No, no, no, no.

It would show that you listened if you
made a public show of embracing her.

No, that's like Princess Di hiring Camilla
Parker Bowles to be her limo driver.

I mean, I'm just... you know,
although in that case,

it would've worked out better
for her, obviously, but...

Selina, we're talking about
your legacy for the ages.

Oh, my God.

Just think about it.

Just... Regina, can we just...
can we just take a pause here?

- Okay.
- Um...

why don't you and I go
out to dinner, okay,

and if we...

if we need more time, you know,

let's go back to my hotel

and we can have that Chardonnay...

I'm in a committed relationship.

Yeah, I really, honestly...

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

You're just, like...

I can't believe I
spent the night in jail.

It's a piddly DUI.

In Nevada, that's practically
a resume builder.

There's a guy driving
drunk on the state flag

right next to the guy beating his wife.

No, it's a five-pointed star.

Hey, hobos, get off the Internet.
This isn't the library.

This is the dashcam footage
from Buddy's arrest last night.

Ooh, easy! Easy, pretty lady.

- What, are you on the rag?
- Calm down, sir.

Pretty... it's a pretty pristine image.

Oh, yeah, you're all hot and juicy now.

I bet if I take you home to bed,

you're just gonna lie there
with your BlackBerry

and no dirty talk for Uncle Buddy then.

- That is not about you.
- You don't think I have balls?

Guess what, I got balls.
I got big, blue balls.

- You wanna see them?
- Sir.

You wanna see my big, blue balls?
This is them!

- Get on the hood.
- Ow! Oh!

You know, I blacked out.

I... I don't remember any of that.

Okay? Can I count on your vote?

I'm
on my way to check it out.

I love Sting's solo stuff.

Say your favorite album on three.

- One, two, three...
- "Soul Cages."

- Come on, get out of here!
- Stop it.

- Are you serious?
- What else is it gonna be?

- That's crazy?
- Can I say something?

- Sure!
- You have a rockin' body.

- Oh, thank you.
- You know, go ahead and order a dessert.

- I know you had an appetizer...
- Oh, I'm not a dessert kind of girl.

Hey, if it isn't Congressman
Jonah Ryan of New Hampshire.

- Hi!
- This is my friend Dan,

- who is just leaving.
- Oh, what are you doing?

Oh, shit, she can see. That's a shocker.

Oh, wow! You're Danny.

I watch you when I'm on the treadmill.

- Of course you work out.
- It's just Dan.

And let me give you one
word of advice... run.

This predator has roofied more
women than Kappa Alpha Cosby.

Okay, that's not an actual fraternity.

So, unless you enjoy the thrill of waking
up in a basement torture dungeon...

- No.
- I'd say call it a night.

- You know, maybe I should go.
- Kristal, it's fine.

It's just an unfinished basement,
and he's just fucking with you.

This is for trapping me in a job

that makes me long for the
days of Selina Meyer.

And I'm gonna fuck your girlfriend.

- Oh, and, Kristal?
- Yes?

- Can I give you a ride home?
- Okay.

It's the least I could do.

Sir, can
I have the check...?

I'm sorry, could you move your head a
little bit more to the light, ma'am?

- Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.
- Shh.

- Oh.
- Sorry to interrupt.

Smith is a no.

Well, you can pack up your crayons
and get the fuck out of here.

- What?
- Gary.

Yep.

Oh!

I'm sorry.

If there's one thing I learned
in the Air National Guard,

it is respect for a woman in uniform.

I have no hate in my heart.

I love women, especially
my beautiful fiancée, Amy.

But now it is time to focus
on the issues at hand

that concern the people
of the state of Nevada.

Let us pray.

Heavenly Father,

warden of eternal light,

teach us to love women,

but in a way that is respectful.

And also, Your compassion.

And amen.