Veep (2012–…): Season 6, Episode 3 - Georgia - full transcript
SELINA: As a former president,
I'm proud to lend my stature
to this crucially important moment
and it's just an honor for me to be here
as an official observer
of Georgia's first free
and open election.
And, in fact, the spreading of democracy
is one of the cornerstones
of my foundation.
- It is?
- So, thank you very much
- and ma... mad-lab-blah.
- Madloba.
- Thank you so much.
- Madloba.
Jesus, democracy. What
a horror show this is.
GARY: I didn't even know
Georgia was a country.
Where'd our guide go? Oh, hey, Petradze.
Do you have any water
that doesn't come from a nuclear
power plant, by any chance?
- Vodka.
- Okay, sure, fine. Vodka.
Excuse me, it would be a great honor
to introduce my daughter
to the president of USA.
Hello! One day, you can
grow up to be president.
No, not you. Your brother.
Unbelievable.
- Can we do picture?
- No.
Oh, it's okay. I don't have camera.
SELINA: Well, I'll tell you something.
All of this international shit
is gonna be great for my book.
This is my second act.
Selina Meyer travels the globe,
spreading democracy like
patient zero, right, Petradze?
- Yes?
- Oh, boy.
This place sucks my ghost nard.
Why couldn't you have gotten me on
an international election
watching trip to Hawaii?
Hawaii is rightfully a
monarchy and will be again.
Look, did you read the CODEL
schedule of official events
or were there not enough
pictures for you?
Ooh, sex trafficking workshop.
It's an anti-sex trafficking workshop.
- Lame.
- Okay, that's enough for now.
I need a drink.
It's gotta be 8:00 AM somewhere.
Checking in. Mike McLintock.
You don't have a
reservation in this hotel.
Richard, I don't have a reservation.
Well, you were a last minute
addition to the trip,
so it's possible that
we didn't make one.
Richard Splett.
- Oh, hello, boys!
- Madam President.
Look at us, just like the good, old days
except shittier in
every conceivable way.
Hey, hey, gang's all here.
Maybe we can win an
election for a change.
- That came out wrong.
- Yeah, way wrong, right?
So, Secretary Doyle has picked you
for elder statesman duty?
- Jailbait statesman.
- It's fine, it's okay.
Doyle picked me because...
So he's got a goat to
scape if things go wrong.
- Yeah, yeah.
- They need political cover.
Night and fog. Nacht und Nebel.
Yeah, I haven't missed that.
Secretary of State
Doyle for you, ma'am.
Oh, all right.
- Secretary Doyle?
- WOMAN: Please hold for Secretary Doyle.
Okay, no. I don't get put on hold.
Okay? When he comes on,
he gets put on hold.
Kent, will you book a massage for me, but,
you know, there one where the girl...
- Oh, fuck me.
- Congressman Ryan!
I haven't spoken to you since
the historic House vote.
Yes...
I just wanted to thank you for
all that you've done for me.
And I wanna let you know
that I will destroy you
in ways that are so creative,
they will honor me for it
at the Kennedy Center.
RICHARD: Please hold
for President Meyer.
Oh, you're putting me on hold.
Actually, do you think you could not?
- 'Cause she's right here.
- I'm here, I'm here, I'm... Andrew?
- WOMAN: Please hold for Secretary Doyle.
- God damn it.
So, he who hath betrayed me
standeth before me now.
Hello, Congressman Ryan!
It's been a while.
I am gonna find ways
to destroy you so hard
that everybody at the Kennedy Center
is gonna take a fucking massive shit.
It's really nice to see you.
So, I assume you're gonna
beg for your job back.
It's a very kind offer, but I already have
a better job working for President Meyer.
- I thought you knew that.
- Okay, you know what, I don't need you.
I already have 434
brand-new best friends
and we're all going to dinner tonight.
And you're not invited. Sorry.
Congressmen only.
- Have fun.
- (MAN LAUGHING)
What's up, fellas? How you doing?
Hey, you wanna go monitor some dinner?
I hear that horse is legal to eat here.
Uh, I'm actually pretty jet-lagged.
Probably gonna just
catch up on some sleep.
(YAWNS)
Let me know if you guys do go out, okay?
I got a Georgian SIM card.
Got text forwarding.
I'll here from you? All right, later.
BUDDY: I was suffering from
dehydration and exhaustion.
That's not the Buddy Calhoun
I see in the mirror.
Although, it would be if you
stepped out of the shower.
- Now, Ms. Brookheimer...
- Mm?
you're not only Buddy
Calhoun's campaign manager,
but you're also his fiancée.
And congratulations on that, by the way.
- Thank you, Danny.
- Now, wouldn't you concede
that when your fiancé exposed
himself to a police woman
that he hurt his chances
of becoming elected?
- I... I've seen the video, of course...
- You have?
Can we roll that video one
more time for our audience?
And I tried not to think
of the politics of it all.
And here's the moment
where he exposes himself.
That's right, yes.
But everyone... yeah, that's...
but for myself,
I'm happiest when Buddy
and I are on the couch...
Can we play that again?
eating popcorn and
watching "Downton Abbey."
In the interest of full disclosure,
Ms. Brookheimer and I did
have a brief relationship
- when she was a much younger woman.
- You did?
Thank you to you both.
We'll be right back.
MAN: We're clear.
Ames, who's your favorite
character on "Downton"?
I don't know. Abby, I guess.
Yep.
WOMAN: President Meyer's
still holding on line two.
Selina! So, Murman was a brutal
bastard who ruled with an iron fist
he liked to insert in the
anus of his opponents.
But when it came to the US viewpoint,
at least he was a good listener.
Yeah, and he did a beautiful
rendition of "Rendition."
- Exactly.
- I don't have a hotel room.
But it's time for a change,
so we're backing Professor
Nikolai Genidze.
He's a new voice for
democracy in the region
and would be a major victory
for the Doyle Doctrine.
You have a doctrine now? What is it,
"Boners are rare, don't waste them"?
Hey, did you think of that while you were
walking on the beach with a metal detector
or however you fill your empty days?
- Oh, that's nice.
- Look, just sit back,
take your lead from the UN Special
Envoy for Election Monitoring.
- What? Who is that?
- Selina!
Oh, fuck. Minna!
- Hi.
- You look absolutely radiant.
- Oh, thank you.
- Yes, your stay in the insane asylum,
- it's really agreed with you.
- It was a spa.
No, no, a spa is where you go
to get a massage and the like.
You were in an insane asylum.
Oh, it's been fun to see you.
I have such a big day tomorrow because
I have an election to supervise.
I know, because I am
supervising your supervising.
- Ah.
- We have so much to say to each other.
- Well, okay, okay. Goodbye.
- I look forward to it. See you later.
- Oh, God.
- Hey, ma'am,
we have a situation
with your hotel room.
- What is it?
- Your bidet is splashy
and there's no terry
cloth robe or shower cap.
Wait, you tested my bidet?
Don't worry, I'm gonna
fix this before tub time.
I don't care.
- I'm on it.
- Hey.
(CHATTER)
(KNOCKING) Hey, Kent.
Sorry, Mike, you cannot stay with me.
Please don't make me make up a reason.
Listen to me. I went to
find a hotel room, right?
Nobody speaks English here, everything
was really confusing to me,
and I was chased by children.
And I think I may have voted.
Mike, that is the kind of voting
irregularity that we are here to prevent.
That sounds bad. Look, please,
can you help me get it off?
Unless you want the entire thumb
removed with a utility blade,
I suggest you find another person.
- (ELEVATOR DINGS)
- Mom, I told you
I get more homesick when you call.
Hi, what do you have
that's like SpaghettiOs?
- and I said, "It's in my carry-on."
- (ALL LAUGHING)
You know what, forget it.
I'm not hungry.
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- Oh, crap.
- (LOCK CLICKS)
- Oh, Mike, now's not a good time.
- I'm laying out her shoes, Mike!
- You have to help me.
I accidentally voted and
now my thumb is green.
The same thing happened to me!
Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God, oh, my God.
- How did it happen?
I went out to get a terry cloth
robe and there was this crowd
and I asked them where Nordstrom's was
and then the next thing I
know, they dyed my thumb
and an old lady who smelled like
cumin wouldn't stop hugging me!
- Mine smelled like paprika.
- Oh, God!
We cannot let anyone see this.
I can't afford to lose this job, Gary,
but I can't afford to keep it either.
I mean, it so expensive
to commute from DC.
- And I haven't been paid yet.
- Oh, Mike.
But I don't wanna lose it, I think.
- Uh-huh.
- Hey, Gary, can I sleep on your couch?
No.
- Hard no?
- It's a hard no.
MIKE: Hey, ma'am.
Get some food before everyone else.
Okay, I never ever wanna see the
inside of your mouth again.
Okay? It looks like a Haitian
porta-potty in there.
- Copy that.
- Okay, I just saw it again.
- Right?
- Copy.
I find this kind of food
display really repulsive.
- I know.
- Just a spoonful of this caviar
will pay for a wind turbine
for a whole village.
Yeah, but do we really want these
people to have electricity?
Professor Nikolai Genidze,
he's Georgia's only hope
for escape this cycle of
corruption and decadence.
Jesus, you and Doyle really
have a wide-on for this guy.
Well, you know that the moment that he announced
that he was running for the presidency,
Murman tried to poison him
in a sushi restaurant.
Well, it's a miracle that anybody survives
eating sushi in this country, Minna.
He has some scarring.
It is purely cosmetic.
But there's still some
cysts and some bubbling.
- Oh, my God, I need a drink.
- MURMAN: Selina!
- Madam President!
- Murman, it's so good to see you!
Have you imprisoned any
good novelists recently?
Ah, Ms. Hakkinen.
How are things in the
international busybody circuit?
- Great, thank you.
- I was sorry to see
that your forceful condemnation
did not do more to stop the
recent genocide in the Congo.
- Maybe next genocide.
- Or the one after that.
- Excuse me.
- Oh, hey, Ben.
You sure do get around, don't you?
Murman here is an old client of mine,
and the only reason he hasn't been
dragged naked through the streets
and hung upside down from a lamp post
with his cock stuffed in his mouth
is because he took my
advice from time to time.
- Guilty as charged.
- Okay, me, too.
Madam President, if I could
have a word in private?
Absolutely, although, if it
takes more than five minutes,
I think that Amnesty
International will be alerted.
(MURMAN CHUCKLES) I'm not
afraid of those guys.
Montez and Doyle, they're trying
to make Georgia more like America.
Look, I saw your last election.
No, thank you.
Well, I can't argue
with you there, Murman.
Let me tell you little story
about growing up as a tire-burner's son
in the Gurjaani countryside...
Murman, no, no, no. I love your stories
and this is, I'm sure, shaping
up to be a great one...
young Murman in the countryside,
etcetera, etcetera...
- but I really do have to get...
- Selina, I would like to make
a $10 million donation to
help you build your library.
I cannot possibly accept that.
I mean, even the appearance
of a quid pro quo...
Oh, no, no, no, there are
no threads attached.
And you should know that this donation
will be completely untraceable.
It will come from my
Georgian AIDS foundation.
- Mm, such a terrible killer.
- Tragic, yes.
- But we're making real progress.
- We are. We are.
I trust I have made
myself suitably clear.
As clear as the coffee table Danny
Thomas had his hookers shit on.
It's an American expression.
Danny Thomas also founded the St.
Jude's Hospital for Children, so.
- Ah, yes, the yin and the yang.
- There you go, exactly.
MARJORIE: Your mother just added
democracy to the foundation.
So, now it's the Selina Meyer Foundation
for Adult Literacy, Aids...
And the Advancement
of Global Democracy.
Hey, guys.
- Dan.
- So, uh, what's up?
- How are you?
- I'm good, I'm good. Thanks.
- How's your family?
- I don't know.
Uh, why, have you heard something?
No, it's, um... the thing is that
Marjorie and I have decided
that we wanna have a baby,
- and we'd like to do it...
- I will give you my sperm.
- Oh, great!
- Yeah.
- I thought that would take a lot longer.
- No.
Is there anything else
that you wanna talk about?
- I'm good.
- Well, we'll send you the details.
And if you could not ejaculate for the
next 72 hours, that would be ideal.
Okay, uh, could we start the
clock in, like, 30 minutes?
- Yeah, I guess so.
- Actually, no.
No, make it 40.
The girl I'm thinking
of likes to talk first.
Amber, it's Dan-Dan. You in midtown?
SELINA: Ben, I need to talk to you.
Yeah, what... what happened with Murman?
Okay.
He just offered me...
a $10 million donation to my library.
That's keep a lot of
docents in Rockports.
I'd kill for a job where I
could wear flats all day.
But, look, I can't take that money...
- right?
- Right.
- Right.
- Right.
I mean, I definitely
cannot take that money.
But hold up.
If I did take it,
- would I be compromising my...
- Reputation.
- Well, please.
- Your integrity.
Yes! My integrity!
I cannot lose my integrity.
Without that, I am nothing.
How would we make sure no one
finds out about the cash?
Technically, a library donation
would not be illegal under US law.
What about Georgian law?
There is literally no Georgian law.
And I'm using "literally" correctly.
So, are you saying
that I should take it?
- I don't know.
- It's hard to say.
See, at least when I was
leader of the free world,
people told me what to do.
Okay, what happened with this?
- Did you drink it?
- What happened?
- I don't know.
- So crazy.
So, look, I was thinking, Minna,
w-would it be that bad
if Murman actually did win?
Well, that depends how you define bad.
You know, I'm just saying the poisoning
and the torture and the
death squads aside,
I think Murman is really good people.
Honestly. And he's a
hell of a storyteller.
Really. You know, you could actually
learn something from him, Minna.
You know, his stories
have a solid point.
They have a beginning and
a middle and an end.
And it makes it kind of, you know,
interesting to sit and listen.
Nikolai Genidze's scarring or no,
he is the only hope for
the Georgian people.
- Well...
- He has the soul of a poet.
Yeah, that and a car with a sunroof
could've bought you my virginity in '83.
- You were 22?
- No, I was 15 in 1983.
Right.
- Well, I was, Minna.
- Right.
- That's great.
- Yeah.
Did I tell you that my son
Otto tried to commit suicide
and that he is now not speaking to me?
Did he throw himself
from a moving town car?
No. No, he weighted his boots
and he jumped into an ice hole.
- I'm so sorry, into what?
- Into an ice hole.
- Like a hole they cut in the ice...
- Ah.
- for fishing.
- Right.
That makes sense.
I wonder how much longer
it is to get to the hotel.
- I'm not really sure...
- I think it's another 45, 50 minutes.
Oh, my God.
(SPEAKING GEORGIAN)
- (GLASSES CLINKING)
- MAN: Ooh, clink, clink.
Hey, Pinocchios.
Your noses must've been
really tiny yesterday
because you lied and now
they're normal-sized.
Representative Ryan, you were
officially hazed last night.
We got ya!
Wait, does that mean
that I'm, like, in now or?
- Totally!
- Well, then let's go celebrate!
- I'm buying.
- ALL: Oh!
By I, I mean the people
of New Hampshire.
In the immortal words of will.i.am,
"Tonight's gonna be really great!"
- (WOMAN SHOUTING)
- Ooh, careful.
- Oh, tuck in.
- I got shotgun.
- You got shotgun, all right.
- Okay, here I come.
- All right, push in, push in.
- Uh, we'll take this one.
You guys take the next one.
Oh, I don't know where
you guys are going.
That's right.
Fuck.
Are you fucking...?!
That's where that goes?
Pick up your fucking chairs!
I have not seen Nikolai since the Hague.
Oh, really?
Oh, you must remember not to
react to his disfigurement.
- He's very sensitive.
- Wait, how bad is it, exactly?
Oh, well, he was very handsome
before the poisoning,
so you may not even notice it.
There he is! Nikolai!
Oh, welcome! Hello!
- You look terrific.
- Minna. Mm. (KISSES)
- Oh, she's kissing it.
- Well, that's why we moisturize.
- Right.
- May I introduce to you
the former president
of the United States
- and my best friend.
- No, no, no.
- President Meyer!
- (BOTH LAUGHING)
Oh, may I say that the
reports of your beauty
have not been exaggerated.
Well, back at you, red.
And of course you know
my old friend, Ben.
Ben! Doing God's work, I see.
As long as the check clears.
So, welcome to my humble abode.
Thank you very much.
I think you will find
it a great contrast
to the vulgar palaces of Murman.
I mean, you know, who
needs all that champagne
when you can have all these
different kinds of wallpaper?
- Well, dinner is served.
- Great!
I know that you will soon find
we Georgians are a
warm, friendly people.
- Oh, good.
- Except for our politics.
Okay.
Minna? Minna, what is going on with you?
- Are you all right?
- Selina, you see right through me.
- What?
- It's because we are close as sisters.
- No, we're not.
- You know that Nikolai and I
are not only bound by mutual
respect and shared beliefs.
We are also bound by powerful
physical attraction.
- Oof.
- You gotta be kidding.
- We are, in fact, lovers.
- What?
- Lovers.
- Lovers.
With Scab Calloway?
- His very touch makes me quiver.
- (INHALES)
- Okay, and now we get to eat food.
- (GARY GROANS)
RICHARD: Good evening, Congressman.
Those new corduroys?
They're new-ish.
Well, I know you probably
have a lot of other offers,
but if not, you know, maybe you
and me could do something.
Yeah, maybe. I mean, I guess I
could move a couple things around.
I don't know, the doorman told me about
this really cool concert that he knew of.
- He said he thought I might like it.
- Well, luckily, the president
gave me the rest of the night off
so I could put on my tourist hat.
- It's actually my favorite joke ever.
- That's so good!
- Did you wanna go?
- Yeah!
All right.
NIKOLAI: We have adopted
all the worst traits of Russia
without any of the good ones.
- Not that there are many of those.
- (ALL LAUGHING)
So, it is now time
for Georgia to face west.
- (WHISPERS) Eat it.
- What?
Eat the soup.
Why?
Because I'm hungry.
I need to know if it's been poisoned.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
(STAMMERING) I don't wanna do that.
Just a tiny, tiny taste.
NIKOLAI: We will adopt what works
and discard what does not.
We will learn from others' mistakes...
(SLURPS)
(CLEARS THROAT) It's delicious.
Okay.
Is there anything happening to me?
- I don't think so.
- (INHALES)
Oh, it has carrots in it.
I'm not gonna eat that.
starting at the top.
If I might have a private word.
- It would be a very good pleasure.
- With Madam President.
- Oh, okay. Sure!
- Okay.
- What are you doing?
- I'm hungry.
- Okay. (EXHALES)
- Madam President,
I have been reliably told
that war criminal Murman
had the audacity to offer
you a $10 million bribe.
Okay, well, that is ridiculous.
I agree. It is so much
less than you are worth.
I'm sorry, what?
To ensure fair election,
I would like to offer you
a $15 million bribe.
How dare you, sir!
I will remind you that I am the former
president of the United States.
You have lost a great deal
of face in my estimation.
What I meant to say, of course,
is I would like to make
a $15 million donation to your library.
Well, that is something we can discuss
as long as we understand that there
is, in fact, no understanding.
I understand.
Nikolai, you say that
you have $15 million.
And yet you live in this... you
know, forgive the expression...
but unbelievably shitty apartment.
Ah, you see, because I have secret.
- Come here. Come here.
- Oh, no, you can just tell me.
- I can hear you fine from where I am.
- No, but come here.
Come here. See, all
this is just for show.
Uh-huh.
In reality, although I
teach at the university
and lead the opposition party,
I control a telecommunication monopoly
and own the most popular soccer team,
the Tbilisi Bauxite Miners.
Well, I gotta tell you, you really...
you have a lot of people fooled.
You know, I mean, even Doyle.
- Oh, Secretary Doyle, he's so gullible.
- Yeah.
If you told him that rava
ganavlis was chakapuli,
he would eat it up and ask for seconds.
I can only hope that rava
ganavlis is human shit.
It is actually what you
vomit after eating shit.
- I like you, dimples.
- (BOTH GROWLING)
(BAND PLAYING, SCREAMING)
This is fucking beast!
- It's very interesting.
- Hey, put that on.
All the cool guys wear
the band's T-shirt.
You know, the band's name
translates to Panzer Division.
What?
- I think maybe we should leave.
- Uh-huh.
- Excuse us. Pardon me.
- Excuse me.
MINNA: What did you think of Nikolai?
Can I be uncharacteristically
blunt with you?
- I can't imagine what that...
- The poison?
It did not engorge only his
face, if you know what I mean.
- I think I do.
- It also engorged his penis
and made it very unusual
texture of sea cucumber,
- so it's great for vaginal orgasms.
- Okay, Minna.
Which do you prefer, vaginal
or clitoral orgasms?
You know, I just come
and get it over with.
You can come just from your mind?
What can I do to get
you to stop talking?
Now?
Well, you have to walk 25
miles for breast cancer
and attend a WNBA game, but I
think we're gonna be okay.
What are you doing? That's my hand.
Amy, that morning when I heard you say
that you were happiest
curled up next to me
eating popcorn and
watching "Downton Abbey"
I figured it all out.
MAN: The next governor
of Nevada, Buddy Calhoun!
I was just saying that for the cameras.
Good evening, friends.
After much soul searching,
I am announcing tonight
that I'm withdrawing
- from the race for governor.
- ALL: No!
No, no, I need to get out of
this toxic world of politics
and start to appreciate the things
that really do matter in life.
- WOMAN: No, Buddy!
- Like the love of the wonderful woman
who has agreed to be my wife.
Amy, darling, come on out here, honey.
Amy.
(WOMAN SPEAKING GEORGIAN)
Murman's leading by more votes than
there are people in the country.
Yeah, maybe he's bussing
them in from Chicago.
Oh, this is not gonna stand.
This election's going down like Eleanor
Roosevelt at Dinah Shore Weekend.
(PHONE BUZZING)
Hey, ma'am, your phone
is ringing right there.
Well, do I work for you? Just answer it.
- Okay.
- Right?
Look, you call Nikolai now.
You tell him to start spackling his face
- for his inauguration speeches.
- Shit.
- Gary, just get it.
- I will.
Okay. Gary? Gar...
(GASPS) What the fuck is that?
Please hold. It was an accident.
- Mike voted, too, Mike voted, too.
- What?!
- I can't believe you!
- Stop it.
You two ding-dongs look like you
fingered the Incredible Hulk.
It's Murman. It's Murman.
God.
(CLEARS THROAT) Hello, Murman.
Madam President, I trust you
are watching the returns.
Yes, yes, yes. Listen, Murman,
as fond as I am of you personally
I really cannot accept your generous
donation to my library fund.
Madam President, let me tell you little story
about growing up in the Gurjaani countryside.
You thought you caught a fish,
it turned out to be a tire.
The tire was full of fish.
It's a great story.
It's a very valuable lesson,
but I really gotta go.
20 million.
Perhaps there could be a
fountain or a snack shop.
Well, Murman, that is a big tire
with a fuckload of fish in it.
But please understand that
whatever decision I make
is gonna be in the interest of democracy
and integrity...
Oh, yes, sounds good.
Great to hear. Bye!
- Murman?
- Mm-hmm.
How much?
20 million.
- Yahtzee.
- I mean, they're both crooks.
- What's the difference?
- $5 million.
- Exactly.
- So, I have set the wheels in motion.
In 10 minutes, there will
be a joint press conference
in which we will announce
that the IEC and USA
do not think that the elections
have been free and fair.
Good luck.
(EXHALES) Well, that is very
strong language, Minna.
Yes.
Yes, and I wonder if we might
phrase it a different way.
For instance, perhaps we would say
there have been certain irregularities
- in this election, yeah.
- Yes!
And that is not uncommon
for a young democracy.
- Yes.
- And that, therefore,
we believe that Murman is
the uncontested winner.
Now, are you aware that
that is the exact opposite
- of what you said just a moment ago?
- Yes.
But I've had time to
reflect since that moment.
My concern is I wonder if your
judgment is being clouded
by your feelings that are brought
on by Nikolai's lumpy poison cock.
Oh, my God. Well... well,
I will recuse myself.
Well, you don't need
to recuse yourself.
Immediately, I will resign.
- No, no, no, let's not overreact.
- (VOICES OVERLAPPING)
Just take a deep breath, Minna.
You're just in the middle of
what we in America call...
- A difficult situation.
- a fuck fog.
Yes, and that as well.
Yeah, in Finland, we call this
the fever of the sausage.
Okay, so, then you get it.
You won't tell anyone, Selina?
Thank you so much. You
are such a good friend.
Oh, well...
Sometimes I don't feel
worthy of this friendship.
Mm, well, sometimes I
feel that way, too.
(WOMAN SPEAKING GEORGIAN)
Oh.
SELINA: I mean, honestly,
that is the most
grotesque country I have ever been to
- and I have been all over Florida.
- GARY: Mm-hmm.
Hot in here, isn't it? Can we get them
to turn up the air in this cabin?
- RICHARD: Yes, ma'am.
- My back is just killing me, too.
Ma'am, you are not gonna believe this.
- Mike.
- What?
Eh, forget it, forget it.
Look at this.
Before Murman Shalikashvili
could be sworn in,
he was arrested on live television.
SELINA: Ooh.
Well, Murman's gonna have
a lot of great stories
to tell the firing squad.
seized by military elements
loyal to Oleg Petradze.
Wait a minute, is that our guide?
I think that's the guy I voted for.
Wow, that's like Gary
becoming president.
(CHUCKLES) From the tea party.
No. Oh, yeah, that is funny.
Yeah.
Also, I would be remiss not to
thank President Selina Meyer,
who not only assisted in the long,
overdue ouster of Murman Shalikashvili,
but also exposed his opponent
as a ruthless, corporate oligarch
and not the reformer some
had hoped he would be.
Ma'am, the library fund
received a sizable donation
from a Georgian AIDS
foundation late last night...
- 60 million Georgian Lari.
- Mm.
Yeah, that's worth about $20 million.
Well, actually, since the coup, there's
been a slight dip in the exchange rate.
It's now worth approximately $389,000.
Way to go, ma'am.
Selina Meyer is truly the godmother
of the Caucasian Spring.
- Madam President.
- Andrew.
- Un-fucking-believable.
- Yep.
- (CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING)
- Thank you, everyone.
All I did was stay focused
on one simple goal...
to free the peoples of the
world from totalitarianism
through open and free and
transparent elections.
And that, in a nutshell,
is what I call the Meyer Doctrine.
- (APPLAUSE)
- Thank you.
Thank you very much.
I'm proud to lend my stature
to this crucially important moment
and it's just an honor for me to be here
as an official observer
of Georgia's first free
and open election.
And, in fact, the spreading of democracy
is one of the cornerstones
of my foundation.
- It is?
- So, thank you very much
- and ma... mad-lab-blah.
- Madloba.
- Thank you so much.
- Madloba.
Jesus, democracy. What
a horror show this is.
GARY: I didn't even know
Georgia was a country.
Where'd our guide go? Oh, hey, Petradze.
Do you have any water
that doesn't come from a nuclear
power plant, by any chance?
- Vodka.
- Okay, sure, fine. Vodka.
Excuse me, it would be a great honor
to introduce my daughter
to the president of USA.
Hello! One day, you can
grow up to be president.
No, not you. Your brother.
Unbelievable.
- Can we do picture?
- No.
Oh, it's okay. I don't have camera.
SELINA: Well, I'll tell you something.
All of this international shit
is gonna be great for my book.
This is my second act.
Selina Meyer travels the globe,
spreading democracy like
patient zero, right, Petradze?
- Yes?
- Oh, boy.
This place sucks my ghost nard.
Why couldn't you have gotten me on
an international election
watching trip to Hawaii?
Hawaii is rightfully a
monarchy and will be again.
Look, did you read the CODEL
schedule of official events
or were there not enough
pictures for you?
Ooh, sex trafficking workshop.
It's an anti-sex trafficking workshop.
- Lame.
- Okay, that's enough for now.
I need a drink.
It's gotta be 8:00 AM somewhere.
Checking in. Mike McLintock.
You don't have a
reservation in this hotel.
Richard, I don't have a reservation.
Well, you were a last minute
addition to the trip,
so it's possible that
we didn't make one.
Richard Splett.
- Oh, hello, boys!
- Madam President.
Look at us, just like the good, old days
except shittier in
every conceivable way.
Hey, hey, gang's all here.
Maybe we can win an
election for a change.
- That came out wrong.
- Yeah, way wrong, right?
So, Secretary Doyle has picked you
for elder statesman duty?
- Jailbait statesman.
- It's fine, it's okay.
Doyle picked me because...
So he's got a goat to
scape if things go wrong.
- Yeah, yeah.
- They need political cover.
Night and fog. Nacht und Nebel.
Yeah, I haven't missed that.
Secretary of State
Doyle for you, ma'am.
Oh, all right.
- Secretary Doyle?
- WOMAN: Please hold for Secretary Doyle.
Okay, no. I don't get put on hold.
Okay? When he comes on,
he gets put on hold.
Kent, will you book a massage for me, but,
you know, there one where the girl...
- Oh, fuck me.
- Congressman Ryan!
I haven't spoken to you since
the historic House vote.
Yes...
I just wanted to thank you for
all that you've done for me.
And I wanna let you know
that I will destroy you
in ways that are so creative,
they will honor me for it
at the Kennedy Center.
RICHARD: Please hold
for President Meyer.
Oh, you're putting me on hold.
Actually, do you think you could not?
- 'Cause she's right here.
- I'm here, I'm here, I'm... Andrew?
- WOMAN: Please hold for Secretary Doyle.
- God damn it.
So, he who hath betrayed me
standeth before me now.
Hello, Congressman Ryan!
It's been a while.
I am gonna find ways
to destroy you so hard
that everybody at the Kennedy Center
is gonna take a fucking massive shit.
It's really nice to see you.
So, I assume you're gonna
beg for your job back.
It's a very kind offer, but I already have
a better job working for President Meyer.
- I thought you knew that.
- Okay, you know what, I don't need you.
I already have 434
brand-new best friends
and we're all going to dinner tonight.
And you're not invited. Sorry.
Congressmen only.
- Have fun.
- (MAN LAUGHING)
What's up, fellas? How you doing?
Hey, you wanna go monitor some dinner?
I hear that horse is legal to eat here.
Uh, I'm actually pretty jet-lagged.
Probably gonna just
catch up on some sleep.
(YAWNS)
Let me know if you guys do go out, okay?
I got a Georgian SIM card.
Got text forwarding.
I'll here from you? All right, later.
BUDDY: I was suffering from
dehydration and exhaustion.
That's not the Buddy Calhoun
I see in the mirror.
Although, it would be if you
stepped out of the shower.
- Now, Ms. Brookheimer...
- Mm?
you're not only Buddy
Calhoun's campaign manager,
but you're also his fiancée.
And congratulations on that, by the way.
- Thank you, Danny.
- Now, wouldn't you concede
that when your fiancé exposed
himself to a police woman
that he hurt his chances
of becoming elected?
- I... I've seen the video, of course...
- You have?
Can we roll that video one
more time for our audience?
And I tried not to think
of the politics of it all.
And here's the moment
where he exposes himself.
That's right, yes.
But everyone... yeah, that's...
but for myself,
I'm happiest when Buddy
and I are on the couch...
Can we play that again?
eating popcorn and
watching "Downton Abbey."
In the interest of full disclosure,
Ms. Brookheimer and I did
have a brief relationship
- when she was a much younger woman.
- You did?
Thank you to you both.
We'll be right back.
MAN: We're clear.
Ames, who's your favorite
character on "Downton"?
I don't know. Abby, I guess.
Yep.
WOMAN: President Meyer's
still holding on line two.
Selina! So, Murman was a brutal
bastard who ruled with an iron fist
he liked to insert in the
anus of his opponents.
But when it came to the US viewpoint,
at least he was a good listener.
Yeah, and he did a beautiful
rendition of "Rendition."
- Exactly.
- I don't have a hotel room.
But it's time for a change,
so we're backing Professor
Nikolai Genidze.
He's a new voice for
democracy in the region
and would be a major victory
for the Doyle Doctrine.
You have a doctrine now? What is it,
"Boners are rare, don't waste them"?
Hey, did you think of that while you were
walking on the beach with a metal detector
or however you fill your empty days?
- Oh, that's nice.
- Look, just sit back,
take your lead from the UN Special
Envoy for Election Monitoring.
- What? Who is that?
- Selina!
Oh, fuck. Minna!
- Hi.
- You look absolutely radiant.
- Oh, thank you.
- Yes, your stay in the insane asylum,
- it's really agreed with you.
- It was a spa.
No, no, a spa is where you go
to get a massage and the like.
You were in an insane asylum.
Oh, it's been fun to see you.
I have such a big day tomorrow because
I have an election to supervise.
I know, because I am
supervising your supervising.
- Ah.
- We have so much to say to each other.
- Well, okay, okay. Goodbye.
- I look forward to it. See you later.
- Oh, God.
- Hey, ma'am,
we have a situation
with your hotel room.
- What is it?
- Your bidet is splashy
and there's no terry
cloth robe or shower cap.
Wait, you tested my bidet?
Don't worry, I'm gonna
fix this before tub time.
I don't care.
- I'm on it.
- Hey.
(CHATTER)
(KNOCKING) Hey, Kent.
Sorry, Mike, you cannot stay with me.
Please don't make me make up a reason.
Listen to me. I went to
find a hotel room, right?
Nobody speaks English here, everything
was really confusing to me,
and I was chased by children.
And I think I may have voted.
Mike, that is the kind of voting
irregularity that we are here to prevent.
That sounds bad. Look, please,
can you help me get it off?
Unless you want the entire thumb
removed with a utility blade,
I suggest you find another person.
- (ELEVATOR DINGS)
- Mom, I told you
I get more homesick when you call.
Hi, what do you have
that's like SpaghettiOs?
- and I said, "It's in my carry-on."
- (ALL LAUGHING)
You know what, forget it.
I'm not hungry.
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- Oh, crap.
- (LOCK CLICKS)
- Oh, Mike, now's not a good time.
- I'm laying out her shoes, Mike!
- You have to help me.
I accidentally voted and
now my thumb is green.
The same thing happened to me!
Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God, oh, my God.
- How did it happen?
I went out to get a terry cloth
robe and there was this crowd
and I asked them where Nordstrom's was
and then the next thing I
know, they dyed my thumb
and an old lady who smelled like
cumin wouldn't stop hugging me!
- Mine smelled like paprika.
- Oh, God!
We cannot let anyone see this.
I can't afford to lose this job, Gary,
but I can't afford to keep it either.
I mean, it so expensive
to commute from DC.
- And I haven't been paid yet.
- Oh, Mike.
But I don't wanna lose it, I think.
- Uh-huh.
- Hey, Gary, can I sleep on your couch?
No.
- Hard no?
- It's a hard no.
MIKE: Hey, ma'am.
Get some food before everyone else.
Okay, I never ever wanna see the
inside of your mouth again.
Okay? It looks like a Haitian
porta-potty in there.
- Copy that.
- Okay, I just saw it again.
- Right?
- Copy.
I find this kind of food
display really repulsive.
- I know.
- Just a spoonful of this caviar
will pay for a wind turbine
for a whole village.
Yeah, but do we really want these
people to have electricity?
Professor Nikolai Genidze,
he's Georgia's only hope
for escape this cycle of
corruption and decadence.
Jesus, you and Doyle really
have a wide-on for this guy.
Well, you know that the moment that he announced
that he was running for the presidency,
Murman tried to poison him
in a sushi restaurant.
Well, it's a miracle that anybody survives
eating sushi in this country, Minna.
He has some scarring.
It is purely cosmetic.
But there's still some
cysts and some bubbling.
- Oh, my God, I need a drink.
- MURMAN: Selina!
- Madam President!
- Murman, it's so good to see you!
Have you imprisoned any
good novelists recently?
Ah, Ms. Hakkinen.
How are things in the
international busybody circuit?
- Great, thank you.
- I was sorry to see
that your forceful condemnation
did not do more to stop the
recent genocide in the Congo.
- Maybe next genocide.
- Or the one after that.
- Excuse me.
- Oh, hey, Ben.
You sure do get around, don't you?
Murman here is an old client of mine,
and the only reason he hasn't been
dragged naked through the streets
and hung upside down from a lamp post
with his cock stuffed in his mouth
is because he took my
advice from time to time.
- Guilty as charged.
- Okay, me, too.
Madam President, if I could
have a word in private?
Absolutely, although, if it
takes more than five minutes,
I think that Amnesty
International will be alerted.
(MURMAN CHUCKLES) I'm not
afraid of those guys.
Montez and Doyle, they're trying
to make Georgia more like America.
Look, I saw your last election.
No, thank you.
Well, I can't argue
with you there, Murman.
Let me tell you little story
about growing up as a tire-burner's son
in the Gurjaani countryside...
Murman, no, no, no. I love your stories
and this is, I'm sure, shaping
up to be a great one...
young Murman in the countryside,
etcetera, etcetera...
- but I really do have to get...
- Selina, I would like to make
a $10 million donation to
help you build your library.
I cannot possibly accept that.
I mean, even the appearance
of a quid pro quo...
Oh, no, no, no, there are
no threads attached.
And you should know that this donation
will be completely untraceable.
It will come from my
Georgian AIDS foundation.
- Mm, such a terrible killer.
- Tragic, yes.
- But we're making real progress.
- We are. We are.
I trust I have made
myself suitably clear.
As clear as the coffee table Danny
Thomas had his hookers shit on.
It's an American expression.
Danny Thomas also founded the St.
Jude's Hospital for Children, so.
- Ah, yes, the yin and the yang.
- There you go, exactly.
MARJORIE: Your mother just added
democracy to the foundation.
So, now it's the Selina Meyer Foundation
for Adult Literacy, Aids...
And the Advancement
of Global Democracy.
Hey, guys.
- Dan.
- So, uh, what's up?
- How are you?
- I'm good, I'm good. Thanks.
- How's your family?
- I don't know.
Uh, why, have you heard something?
No, it's, um... the thing is that
Marjorie and I have decided
that we wanna have a baby,
- and we'd like to do it...
- I will give you my sperm.
- Oh, great!
- Yeah.
- I thought that would take a lot longer.
- No.
Is there anything else
that you wanna talk about?
- I'm good.
- Well, we'll send you the details.
And if you could not ejaculate for the
next 72 hours, that would be ideal.
Okay, uh, could we start the
clock in, like, 30 minutes?
- Yeah, I guess so.
- Actually, no.
No, make it 40.
The girl I'm thinking
of likes to talk first.
Amber, it's Dan-Dan. You in midtown?
SELINA: Ben, I need to talk to you.
Yeah, what... what happened with Murman?
Okay.
He just offered me...
a $10 million donation to my library.
That's keep a lot of
docents in Rockports.
I'd kill for a job where I
could wear flats all day.
But, look, I can't take that money...
- right?
- Right.
- Right.
- Right.
I mean, I definitely
cannot take that money.
But hold up.
If I did take it,
- would I be compromising my...
- Reputation.
- Well, please.
- Your integrity.
Yes! My integrity!
I cannot lose my integrity.
Without that, I am nothing.
How would we make sure no one
finds out about the cash?
Technically, a library donation
would not be illegal under US law.
What about Georgian law?
There is literally no Georgian law.
And I'm using "literally" correctly.
So, are you saying
that I should take it?
- I don't know.
- It's hard to say.
See, at least when I was
leader of the free world,
people told me what to do.
Okay, what happened with this?
- Did you drink it?
- What happened?
- I don't know.
- So crazy.
So, look, I was thinking, Minna,
w-would it be that bad
if Murman actually did win?
Well, that depends how you define bad.
You know, I'm just saying the poisoning
and the torture and the
death squads aside,
I think Murman is really good people.
Honestly. And he's a
hell of a storyteller.
Really. You know, you could actually
learn something from him, Minna.
You know, his stories
have a solid point.
They have a beginning and
a middle and an end.
And it makes it kind of, you know,
interesting to sit and listen.
Nikolai Genidze's scarring or no,
he is the only hope for
the Georgian people.
- Well...
- He has the soul of a poet.
Yeah, that and a car with a sunroof
could've bought you my virginity in '83.
- You were 22?
- No, I was 15 in 1983.
Right.
- Well, I was, Minna.
- Right.
- That's great.
- Yeah.
Did I tell you that my son
Otto tried to commit suicide
and that he is now not speaking to me?
Did he throw himself
from a moving town car?
No. No, he weighted his boots
and he jumped into an ice hole.
- I'm so sorry, into what?
- Into an ice hole.
- Like a hole they cut in the ice...
- Ah.
- for fishing.
- Right.
That makes sense.
I wonder how much longer
it is to get to the hotel.
- I'm not really sure...
- I think it's another 45, 50 minutes.
Oh, my God.
(SPEAKING GEORGIAN)
- (GLASSES CLINKING)
- MAN: Ooh, clink, clink.
Hey, Pinocchios.
Your noses must've been
really tiny yesterday
because you lied and now
they're normal-sized.
Representative Ryan, you were
officially hazed last night.
We got ya!
Wait, does that mean
that I'm, like, in now or?
- Totally!
- Well, then let's go celebrate!
- I'm buying.
- ALL: Oh!
By I, I mean the people
of New Hampshire.
In the immortal words of will.i.am,
"Tonight's gonna be really great!"
- (WOMAN SHOUTING)
- Ooh, careful.
- Oh, tuck in.
- I got shotgun.
- You got shotgun, all right.
- Okay, here I come.
- All right, push in, push in.
- Uh, we'll take this one.
You guys take the next one.
Oh, I don't know where
you guys are going.
That's right.
Fuck.
Are you fucking...?!
That's where that goes?
Pick up your fucking chairs!
I have not seen Nikolai since the Hague.
Oh, really?
Oh, you must remember not to
react to his disfigurement.
- He's very sensitive.
- Wait, how bad is it, exactly?
Oh, well, he was very handsome
before the poisoning,
so you may not even notice it.
There he is! Nikolai!
Oh, welcome! Hello!
- You look terrific.
- Minna. Mm. (KISSES)
- Oh, she's kissing it.
- Well, that's why we moisturize.
- Right.
- May I introduce to you
the former president
of the United States
- and my best friend.
- No, no, no.
- President Meyer!
- (BOTH LAUGHING)
Oh, may I say that the
reports of your beauty
have not been exaggerated.
Well, back at you, red.
And of course you know
my old friend, Ben.
Ben! Doing God's work, I see.
As long as the check clears.
So, welcome to my humble abode.
Thank you very much.
I think you will find
it a great contrast
to the vulgar palaces of Murman.
I mean, you know, who
needs all that champagne
when you can have all these
different kinds of wallpaper?
- Well, dinner is served.
- Great!
I know that you will soon find
we Georgians are a
warm, friendly people.
- Oh, good.
- Except for our politics.
Okay.
Minna? Minna, what is going on with you?
- Are you all right?
- Selina, you see right through me.
- What?
- It's because we are close as sisters.
- No, we're not.
- You know that Nikolai and I
are not only bound by mutual
respect and shared beliefs.
We are also bound by powerful
physical attraction.
- Oof.
- You gotta be kidding.
- We are, in fact, lovers.
- What?
- Lovers.
- Lovers.
With Scab Calloway?
- His very touch makes me quiver.
- (INHALES)
- Okay, and now we get to eat food.
- (GARY GROANS)
RICHARD: Good evening, Congressman.
Those new corduroys?
They're new-ish.
Well, I know you probably
have a lot of other offers,
but if not, you know, maybe you
and me could do something.
Yeah, maybe. I mean, I guess I
could move a couple things around.
I don't know, the doorman told me about
this really cool concert that he knew of.
- He said he thought I might like it.
- Well, luckily, the president
gave me the rest of the night off
so I could put on my tourist hat.
- It's actually my favorite joke ever.
- That's so good!
- Did you wanna go?
- Yeah!
All right.
NIKOLAI: We have adopted
all the worst traits of Russia
without any of the good ones.
- Not that there are many of those.
- (ALL LAUGHING)
So, it is now time
for Georgia to face west.
- (WHISPERS) Eat it.
- What?
Eat the soup.
Why?
Because I'm hungry.
I need to know if it's been poisoned.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
(STAMMERING) I don't wanna do that.
Just a tiny, tiny taste.
NIKOLAI: We will adopt what works
and discard what does not.
We will learn from others' mistakes...
(SLURPS)
(CLEARS THROAT) It's delicious.
Okay.
Is there anything happening to me?
- I don't think so.
- (INHALES)
Oh, it has carrots in it.
I'm not gonna eat that.
starting at the top.
If I might have a private word.
- It would be a very good pleasure.
- With Madam President.
- Oh, okay. Sure!
- Okay.
- What are you doing?
- I'm hungry.
- Okay. (EXHALES)
- Madam President,
I have been reliably told
that war criminal Murman
had the audacity to offer
you a $10 million bribe.
Okay, well, that is ridiculous.
I agree. It is so much
less than you are worth.
I'm sorry, what?
To ensure fair election,
I would like to offer you
a $15 million bribe.
How dare you, sir!
I will remind you that I am the former
president of the United States.
You have lost a great deal
of face in my estimation.
What I meant to say, of course,
is I would like to make
a $15 million donation to your library.
Well, that is something we can discuss
as long as we understand that there
is, in fact, no understanding.
I understand.
Nikolai, you say that
you have $15 million.
And yet you live in this... you
know, forgive the expression...
but unbelievably shitty apartment.
Ah, you see, because I have secret.
- Come here. Come here.
- Oh, no, you can just tell me.
- I can hear you fine from where I am.
- No, but come here.
Come here. See, all
this is just for show.
Uh-huh.
In reality, although I
teach at the university
and lead the opposition party,
I control a telecommunication monopoly
and own the most popular soccer team,
the Tbilisi Bauxite Miners.
Well, I gotta tell you, you really...
you have a lot of people fooled.
You know, I mean, even Doyle.
- Oh, Secretary Doyle, he's so gullible.
- Yeah.
If you told him that rava
ganavlis was chakapuli,
he would eat it up and ask for seconds.
I can only hope that rava
ganavlis is human shit.
It is actually what you
vomit after eating shit.
- I like you, dimples.
- (BOTH GROWLING)
(BAND PLAYING, SCREAMING)
This is fucking beast!
- It's very interesting.
- Hey, put that on.
All the cool guys wear
the band's T-shirt.
You know, the band's name
translates to Panzer Division.
What?
- I think maybe we should leave.
- Uh-huh.
- Excuse us. Pardon me.
- Excuse me.
MINNA: What did you think of Nikolai?
Can I be uncharacteristically
blunt with you?
- I can't imagine what that...
- The poison?
It did not engorge only his
face, if you know what I mean.
- I think I do.
- It also engorged his penis
and made it very unusual
texture of sea cucumber,
- so it's great for vaginal orgasms.
- Okay, Minna.
Which do you prefer, vaginal
or clitoral orgasms?
You know, I just come
and get it over with.
You can come just from your mind?
What can I do to get
you to stop talking?
Now?
Well, you have to walk 25
miles for breast cancer
and attend a WNBA game, but I
think we're gonna be okay.
What are you doing? That's my hand.
Amy, that morning when I heard you say
that you were happiest
curled up next to me
eating popcorn and
watching "Downton Abbey"
I figured it all out.
MAN: The next governor
of Nevada, Buddy Calhoun!
I was just saying that for the cameras.
Good evening, friends.
After much soul searching,
I am announcing tonight
that I'm withdrawing
- from the race for governor.
- ALL: No!
No, no, I need to get out of
this toxic world of politics
and start to appreciate the things
that really do matter in life.
- WOMAN: No, Buddy!
- Like the love of the wonderful woman
who has agreed to be my wife.
Amy, darling, come on out here, honey.
Amy.
(WOMAN SPEAKING GEORGIAN)
Murman's leading by more votes than
there are people in the country.
Yeah, maybe he's bussing
them in from Chicago.
Oh, this is not gonna stand.
This election's going down like Eleanor
Roosevelt at Dinah Shore Weekend.
(PHONE BUZZING)
Hey, ma'am, your phone
is ringing right there.
Well, do I work for you? Just answer it.
- Okay.
- Right?
Look, you call Nikolai now.
You tell him to start spackling his face
- for his inauguration speeches.
- Shit.
- Gary, just get it.
- I will.
Okay. Gary? Gar...
(GASPS) What the fuck is that?
Please hold. It was an accident.
- Mike voted, too, Mike voted, too.
- What?!
- I can't believe you!
- Stop it.
You two ding-dongs look like you
fingered the Incredible Hulk.
It's Murman. It's Murman.
God.
(CLEARS THROAT) Hello, Murman.
Madam President, I trust you
are watching the returns.
Yes, yes, yes. Listen, Murman,
as fond as I am of you personally
I really cannot accept your generous
donation to my library fund.
Madam President, let me tell you little story
about growing up in the Gurjaani countryside.
You thought you caught a fish,
it turned out to be a tire.
The tire was full of fish.
It's a great story.
It's a very valuable lesson,
but I really gotta go.
20 million.
Perhaps there could be a
fountain or a snack shop.
Well, Murman, that is a big tire
with a fuckload of fish in it.
But please understand that
whatever decision I make
is gonna be in the interest of democracy
and integrity...
Oh, yes, sounds good.
Great to hear. Bye!
- Murman?
- Mm-hmm.
How much?
20 million.
- Yahtzee.
- I mean, they're both crooks.
- What's the difference?
- $5 million.
- Exactly.
- So, I have set the wheels in motion.
In 10 minutes, there will
be a joint press conference
in which we will announce
that the IEC and USA
do not think that the elections
have been free and fair.
Good luck.
(EXHALES) Well, that is very
strong language, Minna.
Yes.
Yes, and I wonder if we might
phrase it a different way.
For instance, perhaps we would say
there have been certain irregularities
- in this election, yeah.
- Yes!
And that is not uncommon
for a young democracy.
- Yes.
- And that, therefore,
we believe that Murman is
the uncontested winner.
Now, are you aware that
that is the exact opposite
- of what you said just a moment ago?
- Yes.
But I've had time to
reflect since that moment.
My concern is I wonder if your
judgment is being clouded
by your feelings that are brought
on by Nikolai's lumpy poison cock.
Oh, my God. Well... well,
I will recuse myself.
Well, you don't need
to recuse yourself.
Immediately, I will resign.
- No, no, no, let's not overreact.
- (VOICES OVERLAPPING)
Just take a deep breath, Minna.
You're just in the middle of
what we in America call...
- A difficult situation.
- a fuck fog.
Yes, and that as well.
Yeah, in Finland, we call this
the fever of the sausage.
Okay, so, then you get it.
You won't tell anyone, Selina?
Thank you so much. You
are such a good friend.
Oh, well...
Sometimes I don't feel
worthy of this friendship.
Mm, well, sometimes I
feel that way, too.
(WOMAN SPEAKING GEORGIAN)
Oh.
SELINA: I mean, honestly,
that is the most
grotesque country I have ever been to
- and I have been all over Florida.
- GARY: Mm-hmm.
Hot in here, isn't it? Can we get them
to turn up the air in this cabin?
- RICHARD: Yes, ma'am.
- My back is just killing me, too.
Ma'am, you are not gonna believe this.
- Mike.
- What?
Eh, forget it, forget it.
Look at this.
Before Murman Shalikashvili
could be sworn in,
he was arrested on live television.
SELINA: Ooh.
Well, Murman's gonna have
a lot of great stories
to tell the firing squad.
seized by military elements
loyal to Oleg Petradze.
Wait a minute, is that our guide?
I think that's the guy I voted for.
Wow, that's like Gary
becoming president.
(CHUCKLES) From the tea party.
No. Oh, yeah, that is funny.
Yeah.
Also, I would be remiss not to
thank President Selina Meyer,
who not only assisted in the long,
overdue ouster of Murman Shalikashvili,
but also exposed his opponent
as a ruthless, corporate oligarch
and not the reformer some
had hoped he would be.
Ma'am, the library fund
received a sizable donation
from a Georgian AIDS
foundation late last night...
- 60 million Georgian Lari.
- Mm.
Yeah, that's worth about $20 million.
Well, actually, since the coup, there's
been a slight dip in the exchange rate.
It's now worth approximately $389,000.
Way to go, ma'am.
Selina Meyer is truly the godmother
of the Caucasian Spring.
- Madam President.
- Andrew.
- Un-fucking-believable.
- Yep.
- (CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING)
- Thank you, everyone.
All I did was stay focused
on one simple goal...
to free the peoples of the
world from totalitarianism
through open and free and
transparent elections.
And that, in a nutshell,
is what I call the Meyer Doctrine.
- (APPLAUSE)
- Thank you.
Thank you very much.