Veep (2012–…): Season 6, Episode 1 - Omaha - full transcript

Well, this last year has been fun.

You know, really fun.

I mean, I'm not gonna lie.

You know, to have gotten
so close to the presidency

and then have the American people

and Congress reject me was, um...

was devastating.

But, um...

I did reacquaint myself
with an old friend of mine

by the name of Selina Meyer.

And I like her.



That's fantastic.

If you're just joining us,

former president and my
old boss Selina Meyer

is with us live for her
first public appearance

since the historic vote

in the House of Representatives
one year ago today.

Madam President, why now?

Well, Dan, I realized that I
have more of myself to give.

This is a big day, people.

Campaign starts right now,

because we are going
to make Buddy Calhoun

the next governor of this
dried coyote turd of a state.

My campaign manager and
fiancée, Amy Brookheimer.

Just say "campaign manager."



I love that enthusiasm.

Reminder... Nevada is
the Sagebrush State...

Yeah, so saddle up those emphysema
tanks, you inbred cousin-fuckers,

'cause we are going to drag this
state into the 20th century.

- That's right, I said 20th.
- (BUDDY CHUCKLES)

Tracy, how are we doing on yard signs?

Writing a memoir, I feel,

is a debt that a president
owes to history.

- Amen.
- Shh.

SELINA: And I'm doing my best

to help the scholars of the future

reckon with the Meyer years...

Year.

um, um,

in America's

great tapestry of history.

Now, your predecessor,

- President Stuart Hughes...
- Mm-hmm.

his memoir has reportedly fetched

an advance of $20
million, while yours...

SELINA: Yeah, I'm really
much more focused

on the tapestry itself...

the weave, the thread count,

the old lady at the loom...

We're looking for a few small tweaks

in federal tax law concerning
independent contractors,

which brings us to our
very own mover and shaker,

Beltway Ben.

Thanks, Aiden.

What we need to do...

Uh, I don't have a slide show thingy.

- Sorry.
- It's called a deck.

Great.

So, what we need to do

is to get this on to the
desk of Congressman Jarvis.

Without him, we don't
have a Chinaman's chance.

- I'm sorry, Ben.
- Yes?

Here at Uber and in
the rest of the world

the word "Chinaman" is considered

inappropriate.

No, no, no. It's okay.

My wife is Oriental.

All of them have been.

I kind of got yellow "fev-ah."

(CHUCKLES)

Now, you've recently
drawn some criticism...

- Mm-hmm.
- over an 11th-hour pardon

of billionaire, private
prison magnate Sherman Tanz,

who's under indictment of tax
evasion and bribery charges.

I have pardoned hundreds of
nonviolent drug offenders,

many of them adults, who
never learned to read,

which is a tragedy.

But Sherman Tanz...

And that is why I'm
taking this opportunity

to announce my charitable organization,

the Meyer Fund for Adult Literacy.

Certainly a worthwhile cause, but if we
could bring it back to Sherman Tanz...

And AIDS.

Wow.

- AIDS?
- Yes, AIDS.

AIDS is a big part of the tapestry.

Explain. Connect the dots for me.

JONAH: My fellow representatives,

my conscience demands that
I speak out against HR723,

the so-called "Healthy
School Lunch Act."

Dessert is an apple.

I mean, it's no wonder kids
are shooting up schools

with lunches like these.

When I was a kid, I ate sloppy Joes,

pizza on a bagel.

The only green bean I ate
was a green jelly bean

and I grew up to be so tall,

my stupid mom had to
get a different car.

I will fight against green beans

the same way that I fought
against my deadly disease

called cancer.

For the children.

Yeah, well, I think
sometimes people forget

that I was the first female president.

- Before Montez.
- Oh, that's right.

Well, speaking of
President Laura Montez,

she won the Nobel Peace Prize for
her work in Tibet. Unprecedented.

- What did you think of her speech?
- Ugh.

I didn't really get a chance
to see it because I was...

(COUGHING) I was out of the country.

This is really great.

- No!
- Uh-oh.

Ho, ho, ho, ho!

- (SINGING ON TV)
- (SIGHS)

- Before I let you go...
- Uh-huh.

I've got to ask what
we're all thinking...

- The White House.
- Mm.

So, you're definitely not gonna
run again in three years?

I have no plans to run

at this time.

I'm also very busy with adult literacy.

- And AIDS?
- And AIDS, yes.

- We must never forget AIDS.
- Certainly not.

A very special thank you
to our very special guest,

President Selina Meyer.

- He's a great guy.
- Oh.

Back to you, Jane.

Thanks, Danny.

Danny Egan has been filling in

as my cohost this week,

and we think that he is
doing a terrific job.

We'll be right back with
more "CBS This Morning."

- MAN: And we're clear.
- SELINA: Okay, well, we got that done.

Madam President, it's
so good to see you.

Jane!

- Oh, for goodness sakes.
- You let your hair grow.

We should have lunch
now that you're back.

- Good, good. Wonderful, wonderful.
- Thanks. Ciao.

- What is she like?
- Oh, I love her.

'Cause I've heard she's a
complete gash and a half.

- Yeah, she really is. Yeah.
- Yeah.

Hey, thank you so much for doing this.

I am so glad to hear that
you're feeling better.

Oh, come on, come on.
Everything's... yes.

- Gary.
- Dan.

So, how did I do?
Somebody tell how I did.

- Oh, my God, you were fantastic.
- Literally, anyone.

- You were great, ma'am.
- Thank you, Richard.

- Oh, absolutely.
- Thank you.

I need my coat and I need my purse.

Can you believe this?

On the Anni-fucking-versary
of the historic House vote.

I feel like we're celebrating
my frat house gang rape.

Except I didn't even
get a candlelight vigil.

I love candles.

Hey, Richard, what else do
we have lined up for me?

You've got interviews the
rest of the day, ma'am.

Yeah, but you got to call
Wilner at the "Times."

"Indianapolis Times," got it.

And "Time Magazine," let's
get in touch with them

because the world
really needs to know...

- About the gang bang thing?
- Oh.

Well, I know you.

- Oh. Hey.
- Hey, hey.

- So?
- Sublime.

- Yeah?
- Lee, just sublime.

So, you don't think I came off too...

Insane? Not at all.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Oh, good. What about when he threw

the Hughes question at
me about the advance?

- I mean...
- I didn't actually watch the interview,

but everybody's talking about
how gorgeous you looked.

- Oh, good.
- Yeah.

You wanna try that new place
I was telling you about?

I gotta bolt, but I will catch
up with you all later, though.

So... wait a minute. You're not
coming back to the office?

No, I got an unofficial lunch

with a potential big foreign
donor for the Meyer Fund.

That could get us into
trouble down the line.

Señor Ocampo is having trouble
nudging his visas through,

so I called our friends over
at the State Department.

That definitely will.

I look forward seeing you in
your entirety a little later.

- Oh, my God.
- Nice. Okay. Bye.

- Adios.
- Okay. Not a word.

Seriously, not a word, all right?

Ma'am, they're saying it's
gonna take an hour longer

to get to the offices
because of traffic.

What's going on?

President Montez is in
town addressing the UN.

It's gonna be pretty exciting.

A minute of your time,
Congressman Powder?

- Absolutely, Roger.
- What?

Congressman Minority
House Leader Furlong.

Do you know what the chief
agricultural product

of my district in Ohio is?

I'll give you a hint... looks
like Will's wife's clit.

- Mangos?
- No. Tell him, Will.

Green beans.

That's why I spent two
months jamming them

into that school lunch
bill like what, Will?

Like me jamming anonymous
trucker cock in my mouth

at a public restroom well
known for that purpose.

I don't know if you can hear me

over the sound of your
ball tumors metastasizing,

but Americans don't care
what poor kids eat.

Actually, Congressman, better
tasting school lunches

poll surprisingly well.

It's a real hot button issue.

Kent Davison. How the
mighty have fallen.

You want me to call a
Japanese porn shoot,

see if I can get you a real job
sponging up bukkake parties?

Although you might have to
lie about working for Meyer.

He's already got a job

much better than sponging
up jizz, right, Kent?

(EXHALES)

Let's go, Will.

Feel better.

- (MUSIC BLARING ON RADIO)
- SELINA: Son of a Sam.

Offices in the South Bronx?

Take this. I can't stand this anymore.

We should be in the
Meatpacking District.

- It's so chic.
- Exactly.

I mean, I'm not the President
of the Dominican Republic.

They should be so lucky.

Congressman Diaz said that optics

of you in the Bronx are really good.

Okay, well, then maybe I can host
"Showtime at the Apollo" next week.

- I'll check on that.
- No, don't.

- We love you, Selina!
- Oh, I love... ugh.

Ugh.

I mean, whose balls did
I twerk to end up here,

in the Triangle Shirtwaist offices?

I mean, seriously, this
is the worst place

they've ever stuffed an ex-president,

and I'm including JFK's coffin.

Ooh, I'm gonna get you the same one.

- Oh, yeah. Good.
- Yeah.

Um, are there any messages for me?

- No, ma'am.
- Okay.

- You were wonderful today.
- Oh, thank you.

- Who is that woman?
- I can find out.

Oh, it doesn't matter.

The National Association
for Transgender People

would like to give you an award.

Oh, well, that's nice.
Tell them I accept.

- Them?
- It's "her."

- Her.
- Him.

I don't know. Tell the
bearded ladies I'm a-coming.

And your editor called about
the pages to your book.

You're six months behind.

You know what being an
ex-president is like?

It's like being a man's nipple.

People go right by it
to jerk off a dick.

- Ah.
- Really.

All right, so, listen, Richard,

from now on, I am going to be
only about speaking engagements.

Okay? Cha-king, cha-king, cha-king!

- Right?
- It's cha-ching, cha-ching.

- No, it's cha-king.
- Okay.

Start out by calling Mutual of Omaha.

And I'm only flying there private.

- And I'm certainly not gonna...
- Is now a good time, Mom?

Marjorie, come on in.

You know, Marjorie, since you're
now heading the Meyer Fund,

it would be a good idea for you not
to call me "Mom" here in the office.

Of course, ma'am. Yes.

So, did you see today's interview?

I didn't know you were
gonna give me AIDS.

(LAUGHING)

Marjorie.

That's funny.

You did... are you making a joke?

No, sir, ma'am. We can't
do anything about AIDS.

Who are you, Ronald Reagan?

- Hi, everyone.
- Hi, darling.

Your daughter is here to see you.

How are you, sweetie?

What brings you to this
neighborhood, honey?

Buying chicken blood for a voodoo rite?

Well, I came to take Marjorie to lunch.

Okay.

I have AIDS now.

(LAUGHS) That's hilarious.

I don't get it.

Maybe it's her delivery. I don't know.

- What delivery?
- Mom, I saw your big interview.

Yeah, I know. Wasn't I just so great?

It was just really nice to
see you out there again...

- Sure.
- you know, not just sitting in the house

- in your bathrobe with Gary.
- We played backgammon.

- Or at the institution...
- At the spa. I was at the spa.

- Spa.
- The spa. Right.

Mom, can I talk to you for a minute?

- She doesn't like "Mom."
- What?

- Sure, darling.
- Well, I...

I just wanted to give you
your check for this month.

Thank you.

Ma'am, the Apollo was a soft pass.

Okay, can I have a
moment with my daughter?

- Yep.
- Catherine, honey,

a lot of the staff has been complaining

'cause they feel kind of cramped

and they're not in Midtown.

But I think that will require
a little bit more cash.

Okay, you know what? If you want
to talk about the money thing...

- Yes.
- you can talk about it...

- BOTH: With Marjorie.
- Great. Thank you.

Marjorie, when Mother died

and she gave Catherine
all of her money...

You've been over your
budget the last few months.

Okay.

You know, there's an
old Chippewa saying,

- "The 'coyotay' always howls..."
- You know what?

I'm not that interested in
what the "coyotay" has to say

unless he's writing me a check.

- Yes, ma'am.
- Yeah.

- Thank you.
- RICHARD: Ma'am, me again.

The secretary's name is Jennicker.

- That can't be right.
- 79 grand.

- (SCOFFS)
- Better sign me up for some food stamps.

Maybe look into an application.

This fucking country.

There he is. My golden boy.

- Danny, you're killing it.
- Dan. It's... yeah.

Look, between you and me, the
network's gonna name you

Jane's permanent cohost on Friday, so...

- Get the f...
- JANE: Fuck my face!

Do you know what's
wrong with that salad?

- Uh, no.
- Figure it out.

Yeah, I guess I should've told you.

She got rid of her last three cohosts.

Wait, what?

Yeah, probably wrecked
their careers, too.

(CHATTER)

- Stevie! Stevie, Stevie.
- What's up?

I have an idea that I think is
really gonna impress the network.

Have you ever heard of Congressman
Jonah Ryan from New Hampshire?

Great interview. Charming guy.

I can get him on the phone right now.

Hey, ma'am, I got big news
from the White House.

- Oh, really? What?
- They want you to pick an artist

for your official presidential portrait.

Well, I'd rather still be president.

- Yeah, that's true.
- You know what?

Get me whoever painted
Ambassador Stone's wife

and made her look like not a twat.

- Uh-huh.
- I mean, that was real artistry.

- Hey, where's... hey, Richard?
- Yes, ma'am?

- What's going on with the speeches?
- Let's see.

We have the National Auto
Dealers for 100,000.

You've gotta be kidding me.

That's half of what Hughes gets.

That is pure sexism.

You call those people
back and you tell them

that I was the first female
President of the United States

and I will not work for less
than 87 cents on the dollar.

Yes, ma'am.

And tell them I'll stand at a glass
podium and wear a short skirt.

- What about Omaha?
- They won't give us a private jet.

And you said not to touch
anything without a private jet.

- I know.
- Plus, they won't cover Andrew's fee.

- What? What's Andrew's fee?
- (DOOR OPENS)

- It's my fee.
- GARY: Oh, God.

Omaha is small potatoes, zero gravy.

I know some guys in Abu Dhabi

who are looking for a
license to import sand.

No, I want Omaha.

Well, Lee, their offer
was a slap in the face.

Hey, Andrew, I don't care

if it's a punch in my big, hairy dick.

- Okay? Go!
- Yep.

Tell them I'll jump out of a cake

- with tassels on my sagging tits!
- Mm.

(SIGHS) What? What is your fee?

- It's akin to a finder's fee.
- What do you find?

Besides the most beautiful
woman in the world?

- Oh, God. (LAUGHS)
- (SIGHS) Oh, God.

- (GROANING)
- So sappy.

BUDDY: Hey, babe?

We found a video of a woman
who says she did cocaine

with Governor Steptoe's wife in college.

- Wow.
- Hey, Purple Mountain's Majesty,

we need to put together an attack ad

yester-the-fuck-day, so
give me five options

from "party girl" to "coke
whore for cock," you know?

Oh, you know what?

I actually went to high
school with Kristin Steptoe

and she's a lovely gal, so...

My guess is if you gave her a
rail to snort off your dick,

she would let you fuck
the hole in her septum.

Oh, boy. Look, um,

I think I'm gonna have to
put my foot down on this

and just say we're not gonna use that.

Okay? Is that all right?

You're making an executive decision?

Right? I mean, don't you think?

- No, I like that.
- Yeah, so.

- You're the boss.
- Okay. Yes.

And my foot is down on that.

- Great.
- Okay, great.

Just do "cock whore."

GARY: Madame is up 950 points.

- Nice!
- No, no, no! Uh-uh.

You don't wanna do that.

See? You put these here...

- Uh-huh.
- and here.

You see how that's better for you?

- So much better.
- Do you actually understand that?

Yeah, very much so. Thank you.

- 'Cause honestly...
- (DOOR BUZZES)

- Who could that be at this hour?
- It's only 7:00.

- Richard.
- Oh. Hi, Gary.

This is... now is not a good time.

Is that Richard?

- Excuse me.
- Richard, come in.

Hey, what's going on
with Omaha, by the way?

Oh, yes. Walter Pallenberg's
jet is unavailable

because he's taking it on a
fuck tour of South America.

Of course.

It's weird that his
assistant told me that.

- I'm sitting there.
- Want something to eat?

Are you hungry? We've
got a lot of food here.

- (DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)
- Catherine, I'm home!

Oh! Marjorie, hi. We're in here.

Come join the party.

It's like Grand Central
Station here, right?

- I know.
- Good evening.

You know what? Just move whatever.

You know, we're actually... no, no!

- Now she's mad.
- Hey, Marjorie,

I wanna add something to the fund

sort of to balance out the AIDS.

Something fun.

Ooh, how about Vets for Pets?

I don't know what it is,
but it sounds good.

Yeah, or, I don't know, stuttering.

Those people really make me laugh.

Oh, excuse me, sorry.

I'll go put together a list
of some fun causes, Mom.

Oh, that "Mom" thing, let's
not do that here either.

- Selina.
- Well, uh...

- Ma'am.
- Yeah, that's it.

All right, time to write this book.

- Where were we?
- First sentence.

- Then let's jump into the Middle East.
- Okay.

Now, I'm trying to remember,

what was the name of that
Iranian trade minister?

Gerard Hojati. Do you know
what I remember from that day?

Oh, look what... look.

You missed that white
one right down there.

Yep, got it.

Let's call Mike again.

- (THUDS)
- Ow! God!

Be careful 'cause that
cabinet's valuable.

- (PHONE RINGING)
- (BABIES CRYING)

McLintock residence. Ellen speaking.

- Is your father available?
- He's not my father.

Yes, I am, sweetie. I am your father.

Remember, I adopted you?

- Hello?
- Hey, Mike. How... wow.

- How are you?
- A little crazed.

Milo's all about cheese sticks.

I found a little button in his diaper.

- Do I have to call a doctor?
- I think he's in a kennel or something.

- I can't hear you.
- Oh, cool, are they getting a dog?

Sorry, ma'am. I'm in the baby bubble.

You gotta hit them in the
nose with a newspaper.

That'll quiet 'em down.

Mike, listen, we're trying to
figure out, if you can hear me,

what happened on the Middle
East trip with Leon West.

Hang on. Daddy's got his book.

May 3rd. En route to Tehran.
Air Force One.

- May 3rd.
- Two eggs, hard scrambled.

- Red pepper strips?
- No, no, no, no, no.

Not what you ate, Mike.

Just tell me... no, no, I want that.

- Okay. (BABBLING)
- Just wanna know what happened.

- Jesus.
- Uh, oh, yeah, yeah.

We met with Trade Minister Johati.

Oh, Trade Minister Johati.

- Okay?
- That's what I said.

I'm on the phone, okay?
You're as bad as these dogs.

- Is that her?
- Ma'am...

Tell her now. Tell her or I'll tell her.

Okay. Hang on.

Wendy and I were talking that if
you're gonna keep using the diary,

maybe you should start paying me.

What? Okay, fine. I don't give a shit.

- I thought I'd never work again.
- Me, too!

Former ma'am, there are news stories

about the Sherman Tanz pardon
in the "Washington Post"

and "Indianapolis Times."

Does anybody have anything
else to focus on in the world?

You know? Where the fuck is
a tsunami when you need it?

But the good news is we've just
received a large donation from...

- Sherman Tanz.
- Oh.

Well, don't put that in the fund.

Also, guess who I found outside.

- Did that homeless man die?
- Oh, no.

- Mike?
- Madam President.

- It's Mike McLintock.
- Oh, my God.

Look at this place! You guys...

What happened to your lip?

Oh, Maude bit me.

Ah. You should put her down.

That's my daughter, ma'am.

It's a cute story. We were
playing in the backyard...

"Catch the tiger," and I was the prey.

- She got up on top...
- Did you bring the diary?

Yeah. I got it. And I don't
think we ever discussed salary.

We should probably iron that out, so...

Oh, yeah. You get paid
when the book's finished.

Okay. And what's the timeline for that?

- I don't know.
- No? Okay.

Oh, and I took the Acela up.

It's pretty steep. I'd
love to get reimbursed.

We'll... also when the book's finished.

- Oh, right.
- Then you get that...

reimbursement.

Find some space for yourself out there.

But wait, I need the diary.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

(PHONE BUZZES)

Ma'am, great news.

We got Marty Leonhardt's G5 for Omaha.

Really? Great!

All righty!

Omaha's a go, go, go.

Ma'am, you've been to Omaha before.

You didn't really care for it.

Um...

- Okay, look.
- Is there something...

I'm gonna tell you something, okay?

- Okay.
- But it's top secret.

Ooh, I love secrets.

- I'm gonna go to Omaha because...
- Okay.

Omaha is a 20-minute drive
right across the border

to Council Bluffs, Iowa...

Beautiful.

where they have their annual

Madison Monroe dinner.

Fun!

Which you have to go to

if you're gonna run for president again.

Huh?

I'm gonna run for president again.

- That is a great idea.
- I know, I know.

I think you're definitely
ready for this.

Yeah, I feel so great about this.

- You should.
- Yeah.

Are you sure you're ready for this?

So, I'm gonna tell the whole
family about it tonight.

You know, I mean, such as it is.
Whatever.

And if any one of them objects,

then, it's okay, I just won't run.

- Well, you got my vote.
- Why would I need your fucking vote?

You wouldn't. What a crazy idea.

(KNOCKING)

Hey, are you almost...

Get out! No. Get out. Guards!

Oh, my God. Your cancer is bullshit.

No, I did have cancer.

I had to go through six
weeks of chemotherapy.

All my hair fell out,
including my pubes, Dan.

Come on, you never had any pubes.

But guess what. People liked it.

Okay? They felt sorry for me.

I even got four and a half pity
handies out of it, so I kept shaving.

- What's the big fucking deal about it?
- Big fucking deal?

Jesus, you look like you
should be underground

worshipping an atomic bomb,
you human fucking Pap smear.

How dare you speak to a
cancer survivor that way?

Hey, let's go.

- Got two minutes.
- Yeah, yeah.

Do not tell anyone about this.

You know, I didn't think it was possible

for you to look more like a giant cock.

I guess it's true what they say...
you are what you eat.

Well, you eat an entire
fucking tanning bed.

I got an idea. I just
wanna draw a urethra...

Get out of here. Stop! Stop!

- It will be funny.
- Shut up. Stop it.

- MAN: Four, three...
- Just let it happen.

- MAN #2: We're set.
- Stop it! You're a dick, Dan.

Welcome back to "CBS This Morning."

Joining me now is freshman Congressman
Jonah Ryan of New Hampshire,

who recently had a close
shave with cancer.

- Don't.
- Now, Congressman...

you were really on the razor's
edge there for a while.

Stop it.

Do you ever get into a
lather about the bald truth...

You know what, Dan? F you!

You think you're such a big
shot just because you're on TV

and you have a fancy tie and
a tiny little microphone.

Everybody on TV sucks.

It's not nice, Dan, to
make fun of other people

who are supposed to be your friend.

Just because I look like a penis.

- (CORD RATTLES)
- Oh! God, (BLEEP).

(BLEEP) chair.

How do I even get out of here?

(DOOR SLAMS)

That was Congressman Jonah
Ryan of New Hampshire.

We'll be right back.

And we're clear.

Shit, Stevie, I had no idea anything
like that was gonna happen.

I totally understand if the network
has lost confidence in me.

Are you kidding me? This is great TV.

You're the fucking man!

Great job.

Oh, fuck me.

No more goddamn bronzer.

Okay, guys, I called this
family meeting because...

I have something very exciting
that I wanna talk to you about.

But if anybody has any objections,

I will absolutely not do this.

- Okay?
- We are behind you no matter what, Lee.

I know that this last year has been...

not very easy for all of us,

myself included.

But I have decided

that I am going to run

for president again.

What?

No! You... you can't do that.

- (HYPERVENTILATING)
- Well, yeah, I can, honey.

- (SOBBING)
- What?

Well...

Huh?

- I didn't see that coming. Did you?
- Eh...

Andrew, can you help
me out here with this?

Actually...

Nobody thinks this is a good idea?

Please don't do that. You
can't do this to us.

Catherine, let me just explain
something to you, sweetie.

All right? I really don't
care what you think.

I'm gonna run for president again.

Okay? Mommy's gonna be president again.

But you said that if
any one of us objects

that you're not gonna do it.

Yeah, but I didn't expect
anybody to object, did I?

This was a test, folks, and you
all failed. You really did.

- No, I just...
- Yeah, woman, you really did.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Family
meeting is now...

(MOCKING) No, I don't wanna...

I don't wanna hear it, okay?

Family meeting is adjourned.
La-la-la-la.

Everybody up. Get up.

Out, out.

I love you, but get out.

- Is that good? You like that?
- It's good.

- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

- What's good about it?
- I...

- What do you like?
- don't know.

- What do you want me to say?
- I want you to talk dirty.

- You know...
- Oh. Really?

Yeah. Like how you do.

This is a really nice...

penis.

No, like how you do at work.

Tell me you'd rather take it up the ass

than attend another meeting
at the Board of Regulators.

Except with just no regulators, okay?

- Thank you.
- Okay.

I would rather take it up the ass
with the Board of Regulators...

No Board of Regulators.

- I said that.
- This is stupid.

I am not some teased-haired casino cooze

who will let you jizz all over her
face with a handful of chips.

I like that. Keep going. Tell me more.

What's her name? Susan or...?
What's her deal?

You know what the problem with
the Board of Regulators is?

They are all appointed
by these partisan hacks

who are antiquated as fuck.

Okay, I'm sorry I brought that up.

It was going well before
that, though, I thought.

Just forget it.

There shouldn't even be a board.

- Is it okay if I finish?
- I'm not your mother.

GARY: Lookie-look who's here.

- Wow!
- Madam President.

I haven't seen you forever.

Well, I was gonna come by a
couple of times, but they said...

I'm so sorry to hear about Uber.

Oh, God. A bunch of dumb-ass
millennials, you know,

too lazy to learn how to drive drunk.

- You want a drink?
- Absolutely.

- Let me get that for you.
- No, I have it.

Great.

So, listen...

I am...

gonna be making a speech at
Mutual of Omaha on Monday

and I was wondering if you
wanted to come with me.

Um, ahem, is that the...

the same Omaha that's a 20-minute
drive from Council Bluffs, Iowa,

and the Madison Monroe
dinner on Monday night?

Maybe.

Son of a bitch, you're...

gonna run for president.

What if I were, hypothetically?

- Hypothetically?
- Mm-hmm.

Ma'am, you can't run for president.

You don't have the party's support,

you don't have the donors' support.

What if I told you that
I had Tanz on board,

hypothetically?

Shlomo Tanz is radioactive.

He can read the newspaper on the toilet

by the light of his own shit.

Okay, but, Ben, you and I...

- could... we...
- No, no, I cannot.

I'm... I'm out, okay?

May God forgive me.

I... I'm taking the Jonah job with Kent.

I'm sorry, ma'am. I can't
watch you lose again.

There's nobody out there who wants
to see a Meyer comeback, Selina.

It's... it's over.

Well, I was speaking hypothetically.

I mean, you of all people
should know that, Ben.

Jesus Christ, you know?

I wanted you to come here
because I was wondering

if you wanted to join the
board of my Meyer Fund for...

AIDS and Adult Literacy.

- Be an honor.
- Hmm.

- Okay.
- Thank you, ma'am.

Yeah.

You know, maybe if we teach them
how to read a condom wrapper,

they wouldn't get AIDS
in the first place.

Okay. See? There's hope.

Mm.

You know, ma'am,

you're one of only 46
people who became...

Good night, Ben. Good night, good night.

Good night.

(DOOR OPENS)

(DICE RATTLING)

Hmm?

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Ma'am, we're all set for private
jets to Omaha on Monday

and back from Council
Bluffs on Wednesday.

We're coming back from Omaha on Monday.

Uh-oh.

- Madam President.
- Hello.

Welcome.

PILOT: Good morning.
This is Captain Stevens.

I'd like to welcome you
all aboard flight 327,

Omaha to New York.

ATTENDANT: Right here, Madam President.

Do you want window or aisle?

- I don't want anything here.
- Hmm.

(JINGLE PLAYS)

ANNOUNCER: "CBS This
Morning" with Jane McCabe.

And introducing Danny Egan.

I'm Jane McCabe.

And I'm Dan-ny Egan.

And here's what's going
on in your world.

JANE: This morning, today
we start with a story...

Sir, I'm sorry, you're going to
need to gate-check your bag.

It's complimentary.

Huh?

I need hand sanitizer.

Ma'am! Ma'am.

Ugh.

Hi.