Veep (2012–…): Season 5, Episode 6 - C**tgate - full transcript

As the country faces a massive financial crisis, Selina must make an important decision. Meanwhile, Jonah campaigns in New Hampshire and Amy is asked to find the source of disparaging comments made about Selina.

Mike! Mike! Mike!

I'm hearing that some banks may
be requiring a federal bailout.

Bailouts are not on the table.

It is possible some banks may
require massive capital infusions.

That's the literal definition
of bailing something out.

There will be no bailouts.
I was clear on this point.

Very clear on this.

So, next up on the hit parade,

we get to decide which
banks to bail out.

Well, I hope to fiscal fuck

the fed has a trillion dollars
stuffed in a mattress somewhere.

There are three banks in
danger that are gonna need

massive infusions of
cash over the weekend.

Essentially, we can only
afford to bail out two.

And if we do nothing?

Go to the ATM Monday and
dust will come out.

This is not a decision we
can make based on politics.

- No, definitely not.
- But we've got to save Janders Capital

- because they're based in Illinois.
- We need Illinois.

That's one. Paulsten-Berheim
or EM Wheelright?

Well, Wheelright is
Charlie Baird's bank.


My pick is EM Wheelright.

You know what, Tom? I think...

oh, yes. What he just said.

Um, could everyone who doesn't absolutely
have to be here please leave the room?

Thank you.

Ma'am, you cannot bail
out Charlie Baird's bank.

Why not?

'Cause that's gonna look like you
care more about your boyfriend

than you do the economy, normal people,

and everything else you're
supposed to care about.

- AIDS for example.
- Thanks, Kent's autism.

Look, there is no love lost
between me and Charlie Baird.

Though it pains me to say
it, his bank is stronger.

- That's my point.
- It's the right call for the future.

Ma'am, you are not going to have a
future if you bail out Charlie.

All right, I'm gonna
need some more time.

At least when Truman made the
decision to drop the bomb,

he wasn't fucking anyone in Hiroshima.

That we know of.

Hello there. I'm Jonah Ryan.

And I grew up right here

in the awesome state of New Hampshire.

The Granite State of the United States.

For your
family, for your future,

vote Ryan for Congress.

My name is Jonah Ryan and
I approve this message.

So, now you have all seen the ad

and we want to know what
you think about it.

- Anyone?
- I didn't like the guy.

You don't like him? Okay.

That wood he's chopping,
it's not gonna burn right.

To burn... the wood
is not going to burn.

What else?

His head is too big for his body.

But then sometimes his body
is too big for his head.

- He's the wrong shape.
- Uh, shape is wrong?

Does anyone have anything
positive to say about the ad?

- I like the kid.
- Yeah.

Like the kid in the ad, the little boy.

But I did not like that
he was next to that guy.

I was like, "Run, kid."

Oh, surprise, surprise. Look who's here.

Do you morons really not understand
that this is a two-way mirror?

Seriously? Are you shocked
by that technology?

I work in the fucking West Wing,

you Pepperidge Farm ad motherfuckers.

- Fuck you.
- Watch your mouth.

Sit your fucking mom
jeans ass down, dude.

You've got to learn to
control your fucking temper!

Wow. Lord.

This is beyond language.

I know the world of focus groups.

I think maybe we picked
the wrong candidate.

Uh-huh. How is Catherine
there and also here?

- She's not here, ma'am.
- Since when?

- Last week.
- Oh, my God.

And then to put a fucking
cherry on this shit sundae,

did you guys see that
article in "Politico"?

"Meyer's Five Biggest
Economic Mistakes"?


"Recession Has a New
NAME: the Selina Slump"?

No. Gary, you have the machine?

- Yeah.
- Listen to this.

"In a further sign of low morale"...

No, you've got to read it properly.

- Nope, that's not it.
- You've got to spin it.

Here we go. Why does it
keep doing the turning?

"A high-level West Wing staffer
was recently overheard

calling the president the C word."

Can you believe this shit?

- Oh, wow.
- That's crazy.

Yeah, this is broken, by the way.

Ma'am, I think that we
need to resume our focus

on relaunching Jonah's campaign.

We need a Jonah whisperer,

except somebody who's gonna, like,

yell in his face and call him stupid.

- Oh, we need Dan Egan.
- Dan turned us down.

But I've got some interviews lined up.

- We'll make the right choice.
- Well, are you doing it?

You're just sitting here
farting into my couch.

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Amy, I need to
talk to you for a moment.

Yes, ma'am.

I want you to find out
who called me a cunt.

- Ma'am...
- Listen, with the votes and the banks,

we can't have a traitor
in our castle, right?


- You need to bring me a head.
- Yes, ma'am.

Hey, Dan. You want to go to lunch later

at Hansong Korean Barbecue?

Come on, I've got a
Groupon, expires Monday.

50 bucks for $100 worth of food.

It's in Annandale, Mike. No one
from DC goes to fucking Annandale.

Hey, how about an $80 in-home
massage for 40 bucks?

- With release?
- No.

Then what's the point?

Hey, why did you turn
down the Jonah job?

Come on.

Jesus, Dan, you wouldn't
know the smart move

if it bent you over and fucked
you with a Coke bottle.

If Jonah loses, no
one's gonna blame you.

- If he wins, you're a political genius.
- I'll think about it.

Think fast. Ben's interviewing
candidates right now.

Not worried.

Move, move!

The widow bravely carrying
the flag narrative

has traction for about a week.

After that, done.

Hey, Ben, can I...

Dan, do you know Candi Caruso?

- Yes.
- No.

Can I speak to you for a second?

- Yeah. Excuse me.
- Sorry.

I'm sorry, Candi. The
position's been filled.

- Aw.
- Thanks for coming in.

- It's good seeing you again.
- Mm-hmm.

What's this about? Am I in trouble?

No, no. The president

asked me to speak to everyone
about a certain matter.

Is this about the coffee pods
I took from the kitchen?

- We had a brunch and I took them.
- No. No.

Mike, do you know who called
the president a cunt?

No, I... I have no idea.

Okay, I'm sorry. I can't do this.

She put me in charge of this
whole stupid investigation

and it was me. I called her a cunt.

You did?

I thought everyone knew it was me.

I was in the Senate building with Dan

and I'm sure someone overheard me.

I shouted it into my phone
on the Acela Quiet Car.


I've made my decision.

We are going to bail out Charlie's bank.

I don't care what hits we take.

It's for the good of the
country in the long run.

- Bravo, Madam President.
- Yeah.

- Ma'am, if I could just...
- Nope.

I don't want to hear it, okay?

That's my final solution.

"Who Wants to be a Millionaire?"

Do you get it? Yeah.

I can't ever forget

it's about the people.

Are you even getting any of this?

Getting what?

I was looking thoughtfully
out the window.

Some straight up JFK level shit.

I was just getting some
B-roll of the fax machine.

Ah! Come on!


You know, the state
that you live in sucks.

Sir, as your director of communications,

I need to tell you that we just
got a letter from the band Rush.


They said that we can't use
the song "Working Man" anymore

because they find you odious.

You know what? I play what I want.

Copyright shit went out with the Zune.

Whoa, I'm sorry. What
are you doing here?

Hello, Jonah. Richard.

- Hi, Catherine.
- When you talk to me, you ruin the film.

Always a pleasure.

I'm here to be your
new campaign manager.

Holy shit, are you here
to beg me for a job?

As director of communication, I
should have been alerted to this.

Uh, why don't you have a seat

and tell me about your job
history and we'll go from there?

From now on, Jonah, you will shut the
fuck up and do exactly as I say.

And if you listen to me instead
of your only two brain cells

busy butt-fucking each other somewhere in
the vast expanses of your misshapen skull,

then maybe, Jonah, you
might have a chance

at becoming the first mentally
impaired Frankenstein's monster

to ever win an American election.

And by the way, your banner makes it
look like your name is Jon H. Ryan,

so great job, communications department.

- I'm taking this office.
- Wait, that's my office.

I got that.

How do you look so good
with all this stress?

You're glowing.

You actually look younger.
What did you do?

Oh, my God, he noticed.

- What?
- Mmm.

Uh, I have a new facial moisturizer.

- Oh.
- And a new soap.

- Gary.
- Yeah, I'll just stand over here.

- Actually, I think...
- I'll just leave the room.

- Yes.
- Yeah.

Listen, Selina, I want to apologize.

I know that our relationship
has compromised your job.

- Yeah.
- But you're the president.

Whatever you decide is best.

And it won't affect our
relationship one way or another.

- Okay.
- Now, enough shoptalk.

- Yeah, no kidding.
- All right.

- Let's talk about something else.
- Yes.

- Do you want to just have sex?
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- It's got to be quick, though.

I got wheels up at 9:30.

Ooh, that turns me on.

- Hello, ma'am.
- Amy, come to my office.

- Right now?
- Yeah.

Of course.

Set a reminder.

Make an appointment to freeze eggs.

Ma'am, are you okay?

- Amy, how's the investigation going?
- Oh, uh, fine.

I mean, the investigation
of me being called a cunt.

- I knew which one you meant.
- Yeah, good.

Well, it does occur to me that we've
all got a lot on our plates right now.


So I think we should
push this investigation

until after everything...

I want you to fire Gerry Duggan,

Phil Neary and what's her ass, Lisa...


Yeah, I want her out of
the comms department, okay?

Because they should not
have let an article

about me being called a cunt get
out in the first place, right?

- Well, I'm not the person who...
- Fire them.

- Okay.
- I am the first female president

of the United States and
this is an affront.

Yes, ma'am.

I'll tell you something, Amy.

A lot of people don't
want me to be president.

And you know why. Because fundamentally,
people hate women, right?

I mean, they'll just stop at
nothing to get me out of here.

Everybody's trying to get me,
but I'm not gonna let them.

You okay, ma'am?

Have you ever been called a cunt?

Many times.

Well, now I have, too, apparently once.

Hey, Mom, I'm back.

You were gone? Oh, right,
you were in New Hampshire.

- Gary, is now a good time?
- Mm-hmm.

- What? He's not in charge of me.
- Mm-mmm.

I just wanted to know
can we talk for a second?


I feel like since Mee-Maw died,

I've had some time to reflect on things

and, you know, why things didn't
work out between me and Jason.


Or the guy in college who
wanted to watch me pee.

Or the guy with the weirdly high voice.

No, there were two guys
with weirdly high voices.

- Yeah, there were two.
- Do you remember?

- I've been trying...
- Madam President.

Yeah? I have to deal with whatever
this is, okay, Catherine?

So we can talk later.

- Guys, I don't want to hear it.
- Ma'am.


No, guys, you know I'm
not gonna rethink it.

- I've made the decision.
- Madam President!

That is if you'd like for
that to remain your title!

Wow. What?

It's worse than we thought.

I ran the numbers. Approval
rating for bailing out

your sexual partner's financial
establishment... 4.3%.

Hanukah polls higher in Mecca.

But it's the right bank
to bail out, right?

That's right, ma'am, but nobody
understands the economy.

- Literally nobody.
- Not literally.

And then I think we lose three or four
states in Congress just like that.

What would you guys do if you had to
choose between your cock and your balls?

I could lose them both. I mean, at
this stage they're purely decorative.

Guys, you want to go out later for
some Hansong Korean Barbecue?

Korean barbecue is a travesty
and a far cry from authentic.

- I'm his plus one.
- Sue?

That's Korean for "I hate you."


That is her name, right?

Sorry to do this, everyone.

But I've done some deep soul diving

and we are going to bail
out Paulsten-Berheim.

- Oh, fuck.
- Make that happen.

Thank nonexistent Jesus.

No, I don't know. I don't
want to wear the glasses.

They're part of your relaunch.

They make you look half
smart, you fucking goon.

You know what we call people
like you back in my day?


Tom Petty says we can't use
"Won't Back Down" anymore.

Okay, well, fuck him if he
thinks I'm gonna back down.

That's, like, the whole
point of the song.

We got the okay from Gary Glitter,

but he's in jail for child rape,
so maybe not the first choice.

Okay, all right, now listen to me.

Go out there, turn this
thing around, all right?

The widow's beating you by 30 points.

She's a retired second grade
teacher, for Christ's sake.

Yeah, who sucks and gives
too much homework.

- She's your second grade teacher?
- Yeah.

Jonah Ryan, pleasure to meet you.
Thanks for coming out, sir.

Jonah Ryan, running for Congress.
Pleasure to meet you.

Get a picture of me and
this guy's mustache.

Jonah Ryan. Ma'am, I have
some breakfast back there.

You should really try
the corned beef hash.

It's so much more
agreeable than anything

that gets dished out in prison.

Bill. I thought you were in the...

The slammer? My lawyer got
it thrown out on appeal.

O'Brien hired me to be the Widow
Sherman's new campaign manager.

- You're kidding me.
- No, Dan.

One thing you learn in
prison is not to make jokes.

I am fructose intolerant, you nitwit.

I assume what I'm seeing is
the patented Egan touch.

I'll see you on the
campaign trail, amigo.

Tell the president no hard feelings.

Oh, wait, that's right.

I do have hard feelings.
I'm consumed by them.

...we're not in this situation.

This is done. Dan, we got to go.

- Yeah. Yes.
- Dan.

Oh, Catherine.

Honey, you wanted to talk
to me privately before.

- Now is a perfect time.
- Really?

Mm-hmm. Now, what happened to the
boyfriend with the high voice?

He couldn't go to the bathroom?

What it was more about was
just my relationships

and examining a sort
of common pattern...


- Yeah?
- I wondered... hey, Catherine.

I wondered if you and I could
just have a moment together?

- Privately.
- Definitely.

I'm gonna talk to you later.

Tom, I don't think...

where are you going?

Ma'am, you are known to be

- a very smart political operator.
- I know.

Good afternoon. Hello again.

On second thought, we are
now going to bail out

Charlie and Wheelright. Thank you.


No. You know what?

On third thought, let's just
stick with the plan before.

We're going to bail out Paulsten.

Yeah. Yeah.

So, who had 12:50 P.M.?

Huh, you eat.

I suppose you need something
to nervously shit out.

Hello, Leon. It's always good to see

the most left-swiped face on Tinder.

Busy day. Three people fired
from the communications office.

High turnover department.

Or is a panicky mass firing

because someone called POTUS
a cunt in "Politico"?

Ah, I just blew the lid off of Cuntgate.

- It's not a gate.
- No, it's very much a gate.

- Untrue.
- You should watch out, Amy.

You don't want to be
the face of Cuntgate.

Although you do have the
perfect face for it.

So it spread to the
insurance companies?

- At least three of them.
- Jesus Christ.

Oh, come on.

Good evening. It is me again.

Um, yeah, so I was just talking to Mike

and I definitely want
to bail out Wheelright.

That's a smart play.

Mike! You fucking jagoff.

Is this about the coffee pods?
I swear I was gonna put...

No, you told the president
to bail out Charlie's bank.

No, I didn't say anything about banks.

I was talking to her
about how Wendy paid off

my student loans and
how I love her for it.

You still have student loans?
How old are you?

I'm not good with money.

Now, the widow's gonna get 10
minutes, then you get 10 minutes.

Hi, I'm Jonah Ryan. So happy to be here.
What a great cause.

- Stump speech.
- I'm listening and I'm a doer.

It's good to start with a
joke about a local bigwig

like Mayor Brock is here tonight.

I guess when he had cancer,
the doctors removed

his ability to stop doing
his kid's babysitter.

Seems kind of harsh.

I know New Hampshire.
Trust me, big laugh.

Also, sir, some bands we haven't used

have sent some preemptive
cease-and-desist orders.

Sting, Bruce Springsteen...

sent two letters, actually... and Enya.


Send her a fucking
cease-and-desist letter.

- Hello, Jonah.
- Good morning, Mrs. Sherman.

I still remember that
lovely macaroni portrait

you made of your mother.

I don't recall that macaroni
portrait, Mrs. Sherman.

- Please welcome...
- Excuse me, ma'am. You're on.

...our first speaker, Mrs.
Judy Sherman.

Thank you.

Did you hear that dig about
the macaroni portrait?

Can you fucking believe that?

Hey, we're on a code black.

POTUS is on an opinion shopping spree.
Come on.

Hey, slow down. I'm on Coumadin.

Sue, we need to see the president.

Gentlemen, you'll have
to towel off and wait.

- She's in with someone.
- Who?


Come on, Charlie, 100%.

- 100%.
- All right, great.

Now, on the other hand,
bailing out your boyfriend,

I mean, that could be
career-ending, right?

Yeah, right.

But, I mean, if you had
a gun to your head...

Oh, maybe the gun doesn't
have any bullets.

Well, thank you so much for coming.

It was my pleasure. Oh, gentlemen.

Well, that was completely useless.

Ma'am, we need a final
decision right now,

even if it's the wrong one.

I just need a little bit more time.

If we don't put a plan into
action tomorrow morning,

then by Monday we will be Greece.

The country, not the musical.

All right, here's my final decision.

You will have a final
decision by tomorrow morning.

Have both plans ready to go.

Now, I need to get on the phone
with the Israeli prime minister

and then the president of France, okay?

They may give me some insight into this.

Ma'am, instead of that, I got an idea.

You can clear your head out and
have a little fun at the same time.

- What?
- Yeah, I'll call Jonah and Dan

and you can tear them a
six-pack of new assholes.

- Oh, that does sound like fun. Okay.
- Yeah.

But when your husband of 47 years

asks you on his deathbed...

Dan, you're on with the president.

Dan, I cannot fucking believe

how terrible you are at your job.

What, are you running on a platform

of higher taxes and episiotomies?

Ma'am, we just... we need a little time.

Put that world's tallest pile of
garbage on the phone right now.

It's the president.


- Hello, ma'am.
- Hey, hunchback.

I don't know what you've been
doing instead of trying to win,

but I'm gonna guess that it
has the word anal in it.

Now, you learn to control
your cocksucking temper,

otherwise I'm gonna come up there myself

and I'm gonna shoot you
in your fucking mouth.

- She hung up.
- Fuck her.

You know, Selina Meyer is
a second-rate mediocrity

whose only achievement is
single-handedly tanking the economy.

But somehow we're the losers
doing anal with each other?

Her entire presidency has been
one disgrace after another.

- She has never respected me.
- And I'm bad at my fucking job?

- Fuck!
- You know what? That's bullshit.

- You're doing a good job.
- Oh, fuck off.

No, this glasses shit, that was dope.

These look great. That was a great idea.

Go fuck yourself.

And I promise I won't
let anyone get away

with wasting your hard-earned money.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Thank you.

I want you to go out there and I want
you to kick some New Hampshire ass.

Yo, Granite State. Hey, how you feeling?

I see that Mayor Block
isn't here tonight.

Guess he couldn't get a babysitter.

Or could he?

You suck! Go back to Washington.

I took the liberty of
arranging some hecklers.

- No charge.
- But, yes, I was in Washington.

And I worked a very
high-level, important job.

You helped Selina Meyer
screw up this country.

I think she did a fine job screwing
up the country all by herself.

No, I'm serious.

This is so much more beautiful to
watch than the birth of my child.

Right, she single-handedly
destroyed the economy,

but she doesn't care
because she's too busy

cuddling up to her
billionaire boyfriend.

And I don't know about you,

but my boyfriend's not a billionaire.

Her whole presidency has been
one disgrace after another

and I don't know if you're sick of it,

- but I am definitely sick of it...
- Yes.

...and I'm not just gonna sit
here and take it anymore.

What the fuck?

My name is Jonah Ryan

and I want to be your congressman.

And I won't back down. Thank you.

Thank you very much, Granite State.

You feeling me? Thank you.

Thank you.

- Mike! Mike!
- Wayne.

When will we hear which banks
are gonna get bailout money?

No one is using the term bailout
money except for you, Wayne.

The details for the plan will
be revealed later today.


Can you confirm the
allegation of the firing

of three people from the comms office
is tied to See-you-next-Tuesday-gate?

That sort of coarse language is far
beneath the dignity of this room.

- And also it's not a gate.
- Oh, it's a gate.

- No, it is not a gate.
- It's very much a gate.

You know what? We're gonna
elevate the conversation,

go to my friend here at
"The New York Times."

Mike, the "Politico" sidebar suggested

that there was one staffer
who called the president

the worst thing you can call a woman.

- Why were three people fired?
- Okay, that about wraps it up.

Thank you all. No further questions.

Enjoy your evening.

Ben, this is real. The whole room
was sniffing around Cuntgate.

- It's not a gate, Mike.
- No kidding!

It isn't a gate. I agree. I said that.

She's becoming seriously unhinged.

She has gone full metal Nixon.

Who do you think said it?

Well, we did. Me and Mike.

- Oh, my God. I thought it was me.
- No way.

No, I'm pretty sure I called her a cunt
to the reporter who broke the story.

Amy, it's probable that
your investigation

has already determined that I was
the one that called her a cunt.

I'm hoping that my utility
to the organization

gives you reason to protect me on this.

Also our friendship.

- Hey, Ben?


It was me. I called the
president the C word.

- No, you didn't.
- Really?

I was so mad about her
not wearing sunscreen,

which is stupid, and I was like,

"What an old crone."

A what?

An old crone, Amy.

Gary, C is for cunt.


We all called her a cunt.

Oh, my God!

What is wrong with you people?

Oh, Madam President. Welcome.

I've made my final decision.

I'm gonna bail out Charlie.

Madam President, you really don't
have to make that decision yet.

- I mean, you got a little bit more time.
- I don't need more time.

It's best for our country's economy.

That's the end of it.

So you're gonna go talk to Treasury,

I'm gonna go tell Tom. Done. Okay?

- Right?
- Yes, ma'am.

Hey, ma'am, I know you made
the right choice with Charlie

because when you have
found someone you love,

who makes you feel special
every time he talks to you

and you can be happy just
thinking about him, you know...

I mean, that's more important
than anything, you know?


- Good morning.
- Morning, ma'am.

Madam President.

What brings you here?

Let's do this.

Madam President, what
will you be buying for Mr. Baird?

I don't want to spoil Charlie's surprise

under the tree...

but I'm going to be
purchasing a book of poetry

by one of my favorite African-American
poets, Wanda Coleman.

And I've got my eye on a graphic novel

with a very strong female
Asian protagonist.

So, merry Chris...

happy holidays to everybody, right?

- Right.
- And let's go shopping. Thank you.

Please don't get me a
book for Christmas.

I already have a book.

It's Tom James. I should
actually take this.

No, no, that wasn't
supposed to come now.

Hey, ma'am. Catherine keeps calling.

- Do you want to take it?
- Uh, what?

- No, just let it ring.
- Okay.

I don't know why she keeps calling.

When were you gonna let me know?

- I...
- I'm Chapter 11.

Janders is buying my assets.

I'm CEO of a fucking yard sale.

- Hey, Charlie, you know what?
- How could you fucking do this to me?

- What do you mean?
- "Politico" was right about you.

- No, Charlie...
- Hey, you said it wouldn't affect...

I know you had an eye job.

You made the right call
on the banks, ma'am.

Well, you can thank "When
Gary Met Sally" for that one.

He gave me some sappy speech

and made me realize what
an idiot I was being.

In further good news, ma'am,
Jonah had a huge polling bump

since he hit on the
strategy of attacking you.

What? He's attacking me?

Yeah, and the voters, they love it.

- Is that good?
- It's really good.

Oh. Hey, Sue, did Charlie call?

- No, ma'am.
- Okay.

Mom, there's something that I really
need to find a way to say to you.

Catherine, I'm in the middle
of a shitstorm like...

Please, I've been trying to talk to you for
three days and I need to tell you something.

What is it, Catherine? What
is it that is so pressing?

I've met someone and I
know that this is awkward

because you work with them,

but we're in love.


Me and Marjorie.


Me, ma'am.


Now you know why I've been
acting all silly and giggly.

- Hi.
- Hi.

We figured you guessed already.

I mean, I know it's so obvious.

Didn't guess. Didn't guess.

- I...
- Amazing.

It's... amazing.

I've told Director Parker

I'll be resigning from
your detail immediately.

Okay, I'm just gonna need

a little moment to process
all of this, girls.

Of course, ma'am.

But I'm happy for you.

- Thank you, ma'am.
- Thanks, Mom.

- I love you.
- Thank you.

- Uh...
- What...

I wish Mother were alive.

'Cause this definitely
would have killed her.

- You know how she was.
- Mm-hmm.

- Ma'am, is this a good time?
- You bet.

The investigation continues
at a rigorous pace.

- So who called me a cunt?
- Uh...

- Was it everybody?
- Pretty much, yeah.

You can go.

- Ma'am...
- No.


Hi, called ahead for $100
worth of food to go.

Under McLintock.

And I'll be using a Groupon.

- We don't take Groupon.
- You have to take Groupon.

I already paid money
for this Groupon, sir.

No Groupon. Total is $184.12.

Whoa, I told the guy on the
phone $100 worth of food.

Where's this $89 coming from?

That's your problem, sir.


Shit! Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

No, no, no, no.

I can't stop smiling.

Neither can I.

I'm *