Veep (2012–…): Season 5, Episode 7 - Episode #5.7 - full transcript

SELINA: Congresswoman Nickerson,
I just want you to know

that I won't forget my
friends in Congress.

These are fabulous.

- Wow.
- Her people say she wants the mug.

Would you like to keep the
mugs for your... minivan?

How did you know I have a minivan?

- Just a good guess.

Before I ran for Congress, I was
a stay-at-home mother of six.

Ugh, yeah.

I tell you, if I could not get there
in a minivan, then I wasn't going.

- Right.
- You know the drill.

Indeed I do, yeah.

I mean, my license
expired a few years ago,

but I get the general idea.

So, Penny. Penny.

We want to reauthorize the
amphibious fighting boat

and have them built in your district.

I saw a blanket out front that
said Air Force One on it.

It looks really beautiful.

Let's get one of our care packages

and then we can throw one
of those blankets in there.

- With the throw pillows?
- Yeah.

So what do you think? Can
I count on your support?

Okey-dokey, Annie Oakley.

- Bless your pea-picking heart.

Would you like to call
someone from Air Force One?

- That usually freaks people out.
- Oh, my gosh.

My Donald. He has chemo today.

(GASPS) Fantastic.


Let me tell you something
else about Selina Meyer,

our commander-in-thief.

Check out the tits in the third row.

I could dribble those
things like basketballs.

She has destroyed the economy,

made a mess of the Middle East,

she ruined Thanksgiving,

and that's all in just
10 months in office.

Kent says Jonah's up
another five points.

- Wait, what?
- We're gonna win in Nashua.

And we're gonna win in
Peterborough and Keene

and Brattleboro, yeah!

My name is Jonah Ryan and I...

CROWD: Won't back down!


- REPORTERS: Mike! Mike! Mike!
- Uh, Jim. Jim.

Mike, the navy doesn't even want the
amphibious fighting boat anymore.

Is it a coincidence that the plant

that builds it is in Congresswoman
Nickerson's district?

Jim, if our nation's enemies decide
to drop the puck on hostilities,

then our navy and our
allies will be very glad

we have the military
capabilities we need.

- Drop the puck?
- Common hockey term. Uh, Donna.

Mike, question about the
president's daughter Catherine.

- Is it true that...
- Oh, I just heard the buzzer.

That is the end of the third period.

- See you at the next face-off.
- Mike! Mike!

You know, with Nickerson's support,

that clinches Colorado
for us four to three.

That doesn't look like Santa.

The White House officially
celebrates Diwali,

Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa

- and Mawlid al-Nabi...
- I know.

...the alleged birth date
of the prophet Muhammad.

Well, I suppose putting a few pictures
up of Muhammad never hurt anyone.

Ma'am, I'm getting a lot of
press interest about Catherine

- and, you know, her condition.
- What?

She's a lesbian, Mike.
She's not a werewolf.

Although either one would explain
why she never shaves her legs.

- Anything else?
- Yeah.

"The Hill's" 50 Hottest
Staffers list is out.

When does the White House's most
useless press secretary list come out?

I can't wait to see who's
number one this year.

- I voted for Mike.
- AMY: I hate that thing.

Every year it means a month of horny
Senate aides looking down my blouse.

KENT: Also, their
methodology is unsound.

I don't think you're
in it this year, Ame.

There you go, Amy. Problem solved.

Oh, my God, Candi Caruso ranked 17.

Look at this picture.
No way, look who's 21.

- Gary.
- What?

Who's 22? The Elephant Man?

Oh, my God. (CHUCKLES)

- Hey, 21.
- Hmm.

Rose hip tea, okay? Or I'm gonna 86 you.


DAN: Just got an endorsement
from the "Courier."

The emails from Tom Petty's lawyers
keep on getting angrier and angrier.

How am I not on "The Hill's" 50
Hottest Staffers list this year?

This year? It's the 50
Hottest Staffers, Jonah,

not the 50 people most likely to
kill themselves before trial.

I am on a career rocket ship
to Mars right now, Dan,

except I'm gonna leave Matt Damon
there because the guy made potatoes

in his own shit like a fucking animal.

The whole point of the 50
Hottest is not to be on it.

- You're number 26, Mr. Egan.
- Yeah, five years in a row now.

It's to use it to learn who to fuck.


Find a woman who was on it
last year, but not this year.

I mean, that's like a "make
her pay for dinner" situation.

Does that work?

If you don't look like someone melted
Play-Doh all over a flagpole, it does.

Wow, you're a fantastic
campaign manager.

Yeah. Fucking Gary's number 21?

What? Well, that just makes a mockery
of the very idea of hot rankings.

Well, it makes sense.
He's got beautiful eyes.

- SELINA: There they are.
- TOM: Madam President.

- Hello, gentlemen.
- Children.

All right, let's get to this.
Let's make it quick.

Roger, you want to walk us
through the drill right now?

And would you please, please
try and keep it clean?

Madam President, tomorrow night
is the president's annual

holiday party for congressional
members and their families.

Ma'am, you'll need to make
the initial approach.

Ben will keep the offer straight.

Kent will keep a running tally.

Tom, you'll be in charge
of putting out any fires.

And once you're all done
with them, I'll move in

and squirt a half gallon of ropey jism

into their modeled
congressional cornholes.

Oh, you made it so far and
then you just... (SIGHS)

Tom, do you have anything
that you would like to add?

No, Roger took my thing
about ropey jism.

- Right.
- Thank you, Madam President.

And I will see you
tomorrow night, right, Tom?

Indeed, yes.


GARY: What's up?

Dirty. Just dirty and shady.

Door. Door.


What the fuck is Tom up to?

Why was he meeting with Purcell
at a Korean barbecue place?

- Marwood is the opposition.
- You think Tom is helping O'Brien?

But what could O'Brien offer him that's
better than the vice presidency?

Literally anything.

Oh! Tom wanted Secretary
of the Treasury.

I said no. Ah, fuck!

Ma'am, you just have to keep
nailing down those votes.

All right? 26 votes and it's over.

Okay, guys, we got to keep an
eye on Tom tomorrow night.

- Really.
- Yes, ma'am.

- Yes?
- I was just checking

to see if there was
another meeting about me.

Not today.

DAN: All right, the next
question is for Mr. Ryan.

Would you vote to raise
the debt ceiling?

Well, as the late, great
Lionel Richie once said,

"Oh, what a feeling, I am
dancing on the debt ceiling."

OKAY, A: Lionel Richie is not dead,

AND B: what the fuck
does that even mean?

New Hampshire loves my zingers.

It's my personality that
has gotten us this far.

No, I am the one who got us this far,

you sentient enema.

All right, Mrs. Sherman, same question.

I hereby solemnly promise to never vote

to raise the debt ceiling
without budgetary offsets.

Lord knows I stick to my
grocery budget every week.

Mother Mary dry humping a pillow.

That is what I call natural talent.

- What was your name again?
- Judy Sherman.

Oh, come on, Richard's only
winning because he gets to be

the easier person and I have to be me.

All right, Judy, pretend to be Jonah.

Richard's not gonna get the
subtleties of being...

Just shut the fuck up and move!

I'd have to agree with Mrs. Sherman
here on fiscal responsibility.

In fact, teacher, allow me to
present you with this apple.

Feel my dick. I am rock-hard
for you right now, mister.

You think I'm kidding. Feel it.

- Shit.
- JONAH: What?

Local news stations are running
footage from the rally.

- You said Brattleboro.
- So?

So Brattleboro just
happens to be in Vermont.

Since when?

Granted, every town up here is just two dirty
piles of snow connected by a covered bridge,

but Jesus Christ, Jonah, you grew up
here. How do you not know this shit?

I don't know. Maybe I was supposed
to learn it in the second grade,

but my teacher was a fucking bitch.

Jonah, watch your language.

Well, obviously Ericsson
had trackers at the event.

Richard, who do we
have tracking the widow?


Then go out there and buy a camera
and videotape everything she does.

- Do you want 4k or 1080p?
- Just buy any fucking camera.

- Okay, I'm going.
- You and I have to talk.

If you were like 10% less black,

- I could make you president.
- Thank you.


No. No. No. That's... get it out.

We talked about this. The wife of
Congressman Platt designed it.

Does she know I'm not
the president of Cuba?

Did you tell her that?
Are you wearing cologne?

A little.

(SNIFFS) Smells like birdseed.

- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, darling.

Hi, Marjorie. Don't you look...

- Strapping.
- ...strapping.

Thank you, ma'am.

What's happening with
these tentacles here?

Are they gonna get put
away or something?

I have a question. I
need to know how you...

gals want to play the whole gay thing.

I'm sorry, I don't know...

Mike has been getting
a bunch of questions

and interview requests and, you
know, et cetera, et cetera.

And I just don't know how
you want to handle that.

Do you want to just play it like Ellen or
do you want to be more like Jodie Foster?

Do you want to play it
more like a mystery?

Uh, I think that we were kind of hoping
that we could keep things on the down-low.

Okay, can you just speak
English, Catherine?

'Cause I don't know what
you're trying to say.

Madam President, if it's
all the same to you,

we don't want our private
life to be politicized.

Okay. I get that. I respect that.

We'll keep it under the gaydar.

- Thank you.
- So, great. I'll tell Mike.

- MAN: Ladies and gentlemen...
- Here, take it.

- ...the President of the United States.
- Thank you.

Thank... (GASPS) would
you listen to this?

- Who doesn't love a cappella, right?

It's like a magic trick 'cause there
are no instruments, of course.

Madam President, Tom James, 8:00.


You mean 11:00? Over there?

Seriously, can you really not tell time?

Sorry, ma'am, I just
thought it meant close.

- Ma'am?
- Yes.

The fluffers have done their work.

It's time for the orgy to begin.

Okay, let's get that done.

Oh, look, Catherine. You fixed
that there, didn't you?


Except it's still just a
rat's nest in the back.

It needs to pull... maybe
you can help her, Marjorie.

Just pull it back, sweetheart.

Oh, all my friends are here.

- Madam President, hello.
- Merry Christmas.

- Thank you so much for having us.
- Hello, Congressman Jaeger.

- And this must be Mrs. Jaeger?
- That's not his wife.

- Okay.
- This is one of my staffers, Nadia.

- She's a prostitute.
- Hmm.

Well, would you like a picture for
your friends and for your family?

- Yes...
- We've got a...

There we go. No.

And I want to wish you
a merry Christmas.

And I can count on
your support, can't I?

100%. Merry Christmas.

- Wonderful, thank you.
- And Happy New Year. Nadia, let's go.

This is Congressman Baines from Arizona.

He's solidly O'Brien.

Oh, let's get a picture. There we go.

And you're out of here. You can go.

Catherine's 23 years old.
She's fair game.

Maybe you ride the pine on
this one for a period or two.

- Please?
- All right, I'll talk to everyone.

- I owe you.
- I mean, I'd hate to be offsides.

- What?
- You know, hockey.

Hockey. Great sport. Thank you.

Mike, are you dating a
hockey player by any chance?

You noticed the hockey references?
Shit, I thought they were seamless.

Listen, you can't say a word,
but our surrogate is pregnant

and I've been talking
to somebody in the NHL

about a job as director
of communications.

So win or lose, I'm out of here.

Well, let me get my good-byes
out of the way now.

Congressman, the president would love to
have a clutch with you in the Green Room.

- Oh, of course.
- Great.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Carson City, Nevada.

Ah, Buddy Calhoun

in a tie that's not made out of string.

You're the only woman
who's ever threatened

to grate my balls over
a bowl of spaghetti.

- Night's still young. Knock yourself out.
- Well, yeah.

Madam President, we are looking to
build a 9/11 memorial in Bozeman.

That sounds superb.

Wonderful, because, you
know, never forget.

- That's right.
- Always remember.

But can you remind me
exactly what happened

in Bozeman on 9/11?

This is mainly focused
on our first responders.

Oh, that's so important.

Our first responders were
terribly traumatized

by what happened to the first
responders in New York.

Yeah, I get that. That's, uh...

- Wow.
- That's... wow. Yeah, Ben.

You know, I am sure there
is a little something

we can find somewhere for
such a great project, sir.

Roger, what do you think?

Oh, I'm sure we can just
slip it under the skirt

of the Homeland Security budget.
Tell him why, Will.

The budget has a fatter, more
womanly behind than myself.

Excuse me. Aren't you Gary Walsh?

- What did I do?
- You've got to come meet my daughter.

- She saw you in "The Hill."
- Oh.

She's single, divorced, has a kid.

- But he's really a sweetheart.
- Oh, how nice.

God, I feel like somebody's
playing a trick on him.

They're about to dump a bucket
of pig's blood on his head.


- You having a good time, Amy?
- Eh.

Can't believe how many compliments
I'm getting about the hot list.


Don't people around here
have anything better

to talk about than the stupid hot list?

- Amy, do you want some advice?
- Definitely not.

Listen, don't worry so much
about what's up here, okay?

Worry about what's in here.
And if you work at that,

I'm telling you, you're gonna
be back on the hot list, Amy.

I'm not saying you're
gonna be in the top 20,

but you would be a
lock for, like, mid 40s.

Thank you.

Look at him, he's smiling like his
shit's all pine-fresh smelling.

Oh, okay.

- What are you doing?
- What?

You're looking at
yourself in the mirror?

- You look wonderful.
- Yeah.

WOMAN: Madam President.

This is Connie DiBenedetto of Oregon.

She's the chairman of the
Gay and Lesbian Caucus.

Actually, she's the only member
of the Gay and Lesbian Caucus.

I'd like to take just
a moment of your time

to talk to you about your
environmental policy.

Oh, yes. Uh-huh.

- I know it's politically risky...
- Come this way.

...but, you know, a carbon
tax is the only way to go.

- Yeah, you've met my daughter Catherine?
- No.

And this is her special friend Marjorie.

I want to get a picture of all of us.

No, Mom, we don't want
to take any photos.

Sure, we do. We're dying to do that.

So, here we go right here.

Let's all say girl power.

- (LAUGHS) Girl power.
- Girl power.

Listen, I wish I was hip enough
to hang here with you all,

- but I've got to go deal with...
- You're a busy girl.

- Tell Liz I love her.
- Oh, I will.

- Okay. Okay. Bye-bye.
- She'll love that. Bye.

♪ Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
a dreidel I will play... ♪

- The Brandeis Chigh-notes.
- Hmm.

Tonight we've got the
bowling alley appearance

and we can't have any more gaffes.

I got it! I got it!

The widow saw me filming
her and she got mad.

She called me some truly awful things.

- Oh, thank you, Satan.
- I think this is a game changer.


JUDY: Thank you all so much for coming.

RICHARD: Oh, my God, I got it.
I think I got it!

You know, I think I see
what happened there.

Richard, you good boy. (LAUGHS)

I went to turn it on, but it was
already on, so I turned it off.

Then I went to turn it off, but it
already was off, so I turned it on.

(SIGHS) I had such plans
for you, Richard.

Congressman Baxter, I
completely believe you

about the whole men's room incident.

It sounded very plausible to me.

So I want to also wish
you a merry Christmas.

- Thank you so much.
- This is Paul Graves, purple state.

- He could go either way.
- Like Baxter.

I didn't know Jim Owens
was working for Graves.

Yeah. Oh, man, that was
your one work friend.

Yeah, he wouldn't return my
calls after POTUS fired him.

Oh, come on. It's been a long time.
Go talk to him.

- I can't. I can't.
- Mike.

Madam President, everyone
knows I'm no fan of O'Brien,

but if I'm gonna cross party lines
in order to hand you the presidency,

I'm gonna need something big.

Okay, how big?

Why don't we go with Secretary of State?

Well, at least we know you
don't need big balls.

- Got large stones for sure.
- Right?

I think it's something

we might be able to accommodate.

- Excellent. Then, Madam President...
- Yes?

- have my support.
- Oh, that's what I wanted to hear.

Thank you so much, Congressman.

Hey, enjoy the party, okay? Have fun.

Ooh, we got Graves.

- That was fantastic.
- I know it.

Oh, what about Doyle?
You promised him State.

- He knows I don't keep my promises.
- He should know by now.

Oh, I love your district.

And I love your district.

I love them both. (LAUGHS)

- FURLONG: Hey, where have you been?
- What?

Turns out Nickerson
is back on the fence.

She said she never fully agreed
to endorse you or support you.

And I said maybe you'd remember better if
I fuck your brain through your ear hole.

- Then what did she say, Will?
- She's pretty furious about it, sir.

- Ben, you got to...
- I'm on it.

Why is Tom over there
chatting it up with Jaeger?

- I don't know. I'll handle it.
- No, no.

I don't need your subtle charm on this.

Bill, hi.

Just wanted to reconfirm that I
can still count on your vote.

Actually, Madam President, I've been
doing quite a bit of soul searching

and I'm afraid I need to
listen to my conscience.

Conscience? What the fuck
are you talking about?

After much prayerful consideration,
I have decided to abstain

from the upcoming congressional
tie-breaking vote in Congress.

- Abstain?
- Yes, ma'am.

But then no one wins, you dumbass.

I was warned that you would
say some hurtful things.

Okay, hold on. Let me see if I
can just explain this to you

in terms that you might
understand, okay?

Let's say that your chief of staff...
Nadia, is it?

- That's...
- Okay, and she's down on her knees

and she's got your balls in her hand

and she's working your shaft
just the way you like it.

And moments before you're about to come

all over her stupid Slavic face,

she says, "Nyet, after much
prayerful consideration,

I have to abstain from
the upcoming blowjob."

Are you Nadia in this situation?

Just get out of my sight. Oh, God, fuck.

- Okay.
- Let me guess, Jaeger's abstaining.

- Yeah.
- Nickerson, too.

Tom's not lobbying votes for O'Brien.

He's asking people to abstain.

What the fuck is happening?

If no one gets a majority in the House,

the vote goes to the Senate. I
explained this on election night.

- I wasn't listening.
- Yeah, but obviously Tom was.

Tom James is an acknowledged master
of the Senate's rules and procedures.

So if it's up to the Senate,
Tom is our next president.

Well, he must be stopped.

Is it too late to get Doyle back?

- We forgot to invite him tonight.
- Okay.

- That's great.
- Tom!


Congressman Griffin. Mrs.
Griffin. How are you?

- I'm very well, thank you, ma'am.
- Good.

I've been watching you all night
and I know what you're up to.


You're trying to get up the
courage to ask me to dance.

(LAUGHS) Guilty.

Ma'am, I would be honored.

Oh, thank you.

- Oh.

- Thank you. Hey.
- Hey.

- How are you?
- He asked.

- Thank you. Thank you.
- He asked me.

I think all this meeting and greeting
has really made me work up an appetite.

I'm starving.

Yeah, you never get the
chance to eat at these things.

Never. You know what I
really have a hankering for?

- What's that?
- Korean barbecue.

- Do you like Korean barbecue?
- It's okay.

There's this great place
that I heard about.

It's in Annandale. What is the name
of it? I'm trying to remember.

Oh, right, right. Um...

(WHISPERS) the Cocksucking Backstabber.

Oh, keep dancing, Tom.
Don't stop dancing.

Don't look around.
Nobody's gonna help you.

No, no. Right. Ma'am, let me explain.

What... what... what that...
I think you're referring...

You know what? I think maybe we
should go and talk in private.

That's perfect timing, isn't it? Yeah?

- Yes.

- Thank you for your support.
- Thank you.

- Thank you all.
- Thank you so much.

- So nice to see you all.
- Come. You can't get away.

- Let's go. Yeah.
- Okay. All right.

- Right, we're gonna do it.
- Thank you.

How stupid are you, you
motherfucking snake?

I know all about your meeting
with Marwood and Purcell.

I know all about how
you're trying to fuck me

with that abstinence program of yours.

Underneath this whole honorable,

decent, wholesome Boy
Scout crap of yours,

I know exactly who you are.

- Oh, you do?
- Yes, I do.

Right, so I don't have to explain

that I am not someone who
would piss away my presidency

- on a bunch of half-ass decisions.
- What?

And, by the way, by messing
around with that pretty boy

Charlie Baird, for God's sake.

What? Charlie Baird? What does Charlie
Baird have to do with any of this?

I don't know. He's got
nothing to do with it.

- Oh, my God, you're such a liar!
- The point is he...

You're such a liar! Why did you even
join my ticket in the first place?

Because I happen to believe in
something called public service.

- Oh, bullshit!
- Okay, well, then I got no fucking idea.

- I'll tell you why.
- Go ahead.

Because you wanted to be a
step closer to the presidency

and to me.

Oh, my God.

You wanted it so bad,
you could taste it.

This is unbelievable. Please.

You are lying now just
like you lied back then

just like you lied about that night
in the cab with the green shoes.

Oh, well, now I got no idea
what you're talking about.

Yeah, you know exactly
what I'm talking about.


You remembered the green
shoes that night,

but not the fact that
you wanted to fuck me?

Come on. Come on.

No straight man remembers
a woman's shoes.

Well, you got me. I'm gay, so...

Just admit it. Just say the
truth for once in your life.

Come on, Tom. You wanted
to fuck me that night.

- Just say it.
- Will you stop it?!

Just say it. You wanted
to fuck my brains out.

All right, I wanted to
fuck your brains out!

There you go. And now you're
trying to fuck me tonight.

- No, I am fucking you tonight.
- I'm gonna fuck you.

I mean, if I never see the White
House again, it'll be too soon.

It's funny, you know. I love my job.

I've been working for Congressman
Furlong since I was 15.

- Oh.
- Mike, where's the president?

- And where's Tom?
- I don't know.

- What, are you drunk?
- Maybe, Mr. Hipflask.

Listen, I'm a high functioning alcoholic

and you're a sloppy weekend drunk.
Now get with it.

- Ma'am?




JONAH: Hi. Jonah Ryan. Thanks
for coming out tonight.

Let me know if you have any questions.
Hi. Jonah Ryan.

Running for Congress and I hope
I can count on your support.

This is my boss Polly. She's gonna
be showing me the ropes today.

Oh, Polly, look at this.

Big shoes. You know
what that means, right?

Uh, big feet?

Can't argue with that. Maybe
you should run for Congress.

- Your name is Jonah, right?
- Yeah.

So why does your shirt say Jon H Ryan?


This is good. This is working.

Oh, bowling alley's
always a good choice.

I mean, skating rink's
good for a male candidate,

but it's cold and gals tend to nip out.

- Hi, I'm Jo...
- Hey, Jonah.

Could I get a child size 12, please?

What are you doing here, Teddy?

I'm looking forward to some bowling.

Although pocket pool is more my game.

You listen to me, you fucking weirdo.

I was a victim, but I am not
gonna let you define me.

Nice blog, Mary.

You know what? People like you,

you look like us, but there's
a little piece missing.

You're like a different species

and one that I hope gets
struck from the Earth

because you're a bully and Jonah
Ryan stands up to bullies.

- Yes. Yes, he does.

Thank you. Yeah. Yeah,
this is a no haters alley.

Okay, you and Boo-Boo the
ball-fondling bear here

have exactly two seconds
to get the fuck out.

Our work is done here.
Tell Selina hello.

Yeah, great place for an event, Dan.

The teenager selling cocaine in
the bathroom thought so, too.

- Hey.
- Oh, looking good, 26.

Hi, all.

Ma'am, have you seen Tom?

- Couple times.
- Good.

I need Nickerson, I need Jaeger,

'cause we're gonna finish this.

- Okay, walk this way.
- Yeah.

- SELINA: Gotcha!

- (LAUGHS) Hi.
- Hi.

Can I have a few minutes of
your time in the Green Room?

The Green Room? That sounds historic.

Oh, it is. It's where Woodrow Wilson

had some of his most
significant strokes.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Hey, buddy. Hey. Been a while.
- Mike.

Look, about how things went
down at the end, I am so sorry.

I should thank you 'cause
it was a wake-up call

for me to get out of the
insanity of DC politics.

Amen to that, brother. This place sucks.

Listen, I have lined up a
sweet private sector gig.

Oh? On the QT, I got
something in the works, too.

I am the new director of
communications for the NHL.

- You got the hockey job. Perfect.
- Where are you headed?

I'm going to CL International Time.

- That sounds great.
- Mmm, big.

Listen, any time you want Caps tickets,

you hit me up, buddy, all right?

And if you ever need
anything international.

- And congratulations.
- You, too.

- Mazel. Yeah.
- Good luck.


If you think that you are getting

those worthless toy boats now,

I'm gonna shut down those factories

faster than you can bedazzle
a fucking sweatshirt.

- Let's cut the shit, Selina.
- Oh, here it is.

All roads through Colorado go through me

and the toll just went up.

You're playing a very
dangerous game of chicken

with the head fucking hen.

'Cause if I don't win the White House,

O'Brien is gonna sink your stupid boats

and you're gonna look like
a hair-sprayed asshole

in your 1980s mother-of-the-bride dress.

And if I do win, I will
have my administration

come to your shitty little district

and shake it to death
like a Guatemalan nanny.

And then I'm gonna have
the IRS crawl so far up

your husband's colon, he's gonna wish

the only thing they find is more cancer.

Good God.

So can I count on your vote?

Or do I need to shove a
box of White House M&Ms

up your stretched-out, six-baby vag?


Yes, you can count on my vote.

I think I want to hear

an okey-dokey, Annie Oakley.

Okey-dokey, Annie Oakley.

Oh, super-duper, trooper.

Now get the fuck out of
here, Congresswoman.

Merry Christmas, Amy.

Oh, Candi Caruso is who you are.

I'm surprised to see you here
after what happened in Nevada.

"Nev-add-a." I told POTUS that
there are other qualified people

out there for special advisor, but she
insisted she couldn't think of any, so...

- Oh. Guess what.
- Hmm?

- I am engaged. Mm-hmm.
- (GASPS) Wow!

Who's... who... to whom?

Gary Welsh. You know, Gary Welsh.

- Gary Welsh? Oh!
- Gary Welsh at State.

He was supposed to be on this
50 Hottest thing that I'm in,

but they got his name wrong.
They spelled it incorrectly.

Turns out there's an actual guy by
that name. They put him in instead.

- That's just a bad thing.
- Terrible. Terrible.

I'm sorry to hear that,
but happy for you.

- Oh! Thank you.
- All that.

Yeah, okay. Uh-oh, President
of the United States needs me.

- So...
- Mmm, yeah.

Take care. (CLEARS THROAT)

Hey, Opie, grab your coonskin
cap and let's get out of here.

Oh, okay.

- It wasn't you.
- What?

You're not hot. Gary Welsh at State is.
You're a typo.

But like you said, it's not
up here, it's what's in here.

And won't you give my
regards to your wife?

Yes, ma'am.

She's the head of the Red Cross
in Racine, did you know that?

She's a saint.

You can count on my
vote, Madam President.

- That is a promise.
- Oh, yes, it is a promise.

- Yes. Go. Turn, go.
- Mm-hmm.

Well, ah, I guess this party

is officially now over.
So how did we do?

We're about the same place we were at
the beginning of the ball plus Graves.

We could have secured Platt, but he never
got the picture with his wife's purse.

I just hope things are going
good in New Hampshire.

REPORTER: Good evening. We begin
with some shocking footage

of congressional candidate Jonah Ryan

all captured on amateur video.

We do have to warn you, though,

Ryan's language is extremely graphic.

People like you, you look like us,

but there's a little piece missing.

You're a different species,

one that I hope gets
struck from the Earth.

Fuck me, Amadeus.

Can't even see the guy
that Jonah's yelling at.

God, Polly's not gonna think that
I was yelling at her, will she?

Why don't we call her
publicist and find out?

Wait a second. Richard, tell me you
have that from the other angle.

Oh, definitely.

TEDDY: Hey, Jonah. I'll get
a child size 12, please.

What are you doing here?

- Thank you. Thank you.

I don't know what happened there.

- You did the same fucking thing!
- Literally.

Oh, yeah, you know what? You're
right, I did the exact same thing.

After the national elections,

the president may have found herself
with a bad lie in the rough,

but after stabilizing the economy,

the House vote is starting
to look like a gimme putt.

And mark my words, the president
will end up atop the leaderboard

just like Inbee Park or Lydia Ko

or any of the other great female golfers

- in the LPGA Tour.

I would like to get back to questions

about the first daughter's lesbianism.