Veep (2012–…): Season 5, Episode 5 - Thanksgiving - full transcript

As Thanksgiving arrives, a new crisis hits the team, with Selina left unable to fulfill her duties. Meanwhile, Dan takes on a new role, and Jonah receives exciting news.

It's time.

Thanksgiving has always
meant sharing the bounty

of our rich land,

especially turkey.

But the one thing we will
not be sharing this holiday

is Drumstick or Cranberry.

Catherine actually personally chose
those names, didn't you, honey?

- Um, yes, I did.
- Yes, she did.

Help me get a few more details about these
turkeys that I can maybe give the press.

Like are they gonna hit the
minibar tonight at their hotel?

Well, we booked the
hotel for a few nights,

but I'm taking these guys
straight to a petting zoo

in Virginia after the ceremony.

Oh, they can while away the rest
of their peaceful years there.

Well, they were bred to be eaten,
so they'll probably collapse

from their own weight and
die in a year or two, tops.

Is there a more fun way to say that?

With the power vested in me,

I hereby declare Drumstick and Cranberry

pardoned from the
Thanksgiving dinner table

and also for tax evasion.

There we go. Oh! Oh!

I think they're trying to fly away.

Ooh, these birds are filthy.

- Dan.
- Hey, why have I been greened?

- Will you tell our friend over here...
- Take it easy.

It's just a screwup with
the security office.

Someone's got a case of the
blue badge blue balls.

I'm gonna assign you
to Tom James' office.

They're shorthanded since we're
duking it out with Congress.

I'll escort him in. He's harmless.

Unless you got a sister.

You looking forward to
Thanksgiving, Marjorie?

- Oh, yes, ma'am.
- Where do you spend the holiday?

- In Maryland, ma'am.
- Oh, that's where I'm from.

I know, ma'am.

Selina: Okay, so tell Congressman Price

I just pardoned his stanky-ass turkeys,

so I'm gonna expect him to wrap up

that Missouri delegation
when the House votes, right?

Well played, ma'am.

Missouri's the largest
turkey-producing state in the union.

Second only to Minnesota
followed by North Carolina.


And Arkansas.

Maybe I can pardon a car
with a defective airbag...

we can wrap up Michigan.

Michigan is actually the largest
producer of battery acid.

Can somebody reach around the back
of Kent's head and power him down?

Oh, ma'am, latest from Treasury

is housing starts are down
and unemployment's up.

Any chance we can switch those?

I'll turn the graphs upside down.

Oh, listen, I'm not gonna need
you this weekend or tomorrow,

- so you can take that off, okay?
- Oh, fantastic.

My husband and I are having his
whole family over for turkey.

Husband? You're married?

Yes. Last year.

250 people, no one from work.

Catherine: Mom, can I have a sec?

- Privately?
- Sure, honey.

- What is it?
- Okay.

Well, I was just gonna
go meet Dad and Monica.

I was just wondering what
time you'll be arriving.

Oh, honey, I can't.

But it's the first Thanksgiving
since Mee-maw's gone.

There's a lot to be thankful for.

But we're doing a whole
dinner at her house.

I mean, it... or, well, my house.

God, it still sounds
so weird saying that.

Yeah, it really does.

But I have to be here, sweetie pie,

'cause I've got to call all
of these Congress people.

Whip the vote. You understand that.
Mommy's got to whip.

- Whip it good. What is that?
- Devo.

Well, can't you make those
phone calls from anywhere?

- Nope, it's got to be Washington.
- Right.

It makes a big difference to know
that she's calling from the Oval.

But doesn't it just come up as unlisted?

They're ready in the Roosevelt Room.

Mom, so this is the
famous White House mess.

- Oh, very nice, Joni.
- Yeah, isn't it?

So this was renovated in 1951 by...

hey, I'll be right back.

Okay, just one second.

Ooh, is that the mandarin chicken salad?

Looks delicious. Hey,
can I see your badge?

My rusty sheriff's badge?

Oh, I'm sure that showing your anus gets
you into all your regular social clubs,

but this is the White House
mess and to be in here,

you got to have one of
these blue bad boys.

Why are you doing this, Jonah?

You see the picture of Grover Cleveland?

Is that a tear in his eye

because he knows the rules
aren't being respected?

Oh, Jesus. Fuck you.

Excuse me, sir. We
have an intruder here.

No, we don't. You know, Jonah,

I hope you die a horrible death

choking on a red, glistening dog dick.

- Have a lovely Thanksgiving, Mrs. Ryan.
- Oh, you, too.

- Well, I'm ready if you are.
- For what?

I invited Richard to come back
with us for Thanksgiving tomorrow.

Mom, you don't invite my friends
to Thanksgiving dinner.

I invite my friends to
Thanksgiving dinner.

Richard, would you like to
come to Thanksgiving dinner?

wouldn't be complete...

Morning. Happy Thanksgiving.

- Are they ready for me?
- Yeah.

It's this election has
just been brutal on me.

My eyelids are seriously starting to
look like Keith Richards' ball sack.

- Oh, please. He wishes.
- Ma'am, Mike just announced to the press

that we're closing up shop for the
Thanksgiving holiday and we're monitoring

a North Korean military exercise
right now and that's about it.

God, all that exercising
and Glorious Leader

still can't seem to take
off a pound, right?

That haircut's not doing him any favors.

The South Korean PM is asking
for a few minutes to discuss.

And the CDC is reporting
a few more cases

of salmonella poisoning linked
to contaminated poultry.

Tell the South Korean PM I'll give
her a call later this afternoon.

- Right.
- After, you know. Wish me luck, though.

- Good luck.
- Yeah.

- Madam President.
- Dr. Abernathy.

- If you could please have a seat. Gary.
- Dr. Abernathy.

- You're here.
- I'm here to assist the president.

Well, I think that Karen
and I can handle this.

- Oh!
- Oh, I'm so sorry. How are you?

I'm fine, thank you. I'm just a
little nervous, I have to confess.

- You're gonna be fine.
- Yeah.

You're gonna be fine, ma'am.
In fact, I usually perform

things that are a bit more
complicated than a De-bagging.

A De-bagging? Is that
what you just said?

I thought you said tea-bagging.

No, no, no. That's my department.

He means that literally. He doesn't
know what the other thing is.

Anyway, listen, can you just talk me
through this procedure one more time?

It's quite simple. I actually don't have
to make any cuts to the exterior dermis.

It's all approached internally
from behind the eyelid.

There's gonna be a little swelling and of
course a tiny bit of bruising afterwards.

- Ooh, bruising?
- Yes, Gary, bruising.

That's when a little blood
collects underneath the skin.

It's not a problem for an actual doctor.

Now, the beauty of this procedure

is that we can do it today and
you'll be healed by Monday.

And I'll look 10 years younger.

That would make you a baby.

- Okay, it's...
- Shall we get started?

- Okay. Yeah.
- Gary, if you'll please excuse us.

It's very easy for me
just to sit right there.

- I've got it.
- Easy.

Officials are reporting
a salmonella outbreak...

You seeing this?

...that has led to 37
hospitalizations in four states.

POTUS is still getting
permanently Photoshopped.

Let's get the head of the CDC
out there, calm everyone down.

Let's send Tom James out as well.
He's a tall drink of Xanax.

The number of people
taken ill is orders

of magnitude below
statistical significance.

Do people not understand basic
nonparametric statistics?

Or how to cook a fucking turkey.

Oh, sir, you're here now. Good.

- So Ben told me that apparently...
- We're being deployed.

Operation Calm the Fuck Down.

- Yes.
- Come on in.

Just the guy I wanted to see.

Ooh, uh-oh. I know that number.

The number of the beast Sidney Purcell.

I don't know why he keeps calling me.

His comprehension of the word no

hovers somewhere around drunk
college quarterback level.

But anyway, sir, how can I help you?

Got a little something for you.

Carol in personnel owed me a favor.

Oh, this is gonna wipe that crooked
smile off Jonah Ryan's face.

I think that's genetic.

You know, Egan, I work a little
differently than the president.

As far as treating my
staff, I try not to act

like an alcoholic father who
has just stepped on a Lego.

I value openness and straight talk.

You're part of the James team now.

- Part of my inner circle.
- I'm honored.

So raise your right hand
and repeat the oath.

I'm fucking with you. Come on, let's go.

That's very good, sir.

- Mike! Mike!
- Mike, is this a salmonella epidemic?

Is the president going
to make a statement?

She will be making a
full statement soon...

sooner than you think, but
only when she's ready.

Right now, though, I'd like to
bring up Dr. Robert Weinberg

from the Centers for Disease Control.
Dr. Weinberg.

- This is not good.
- It's fine.

Everybody's watching football.
There's only a couple cases.

No, Wendy's pissed.

I left her at home with her folks
and my folks plus her kids.

Shit, I don't even know
who's at my house.

I don't even know if they're in town.

I hate to admit it, but sometimes

I'm scared of Wendy.

She still has a great rack, though.

- What do you think?
- Oh, yeah. You did great, ma'am.

- Oh, good.
- Excuse me, ma'am.

- Hi, guys.
- Doesn't she look amazing?

Jesus, you look like
a southern housewife

who just burned her husband's dinner.

Ma'am, the salmonella
outbreak has mushroomed.

The cases now number over 200.

Oh, my God. Are you kidding?

- Should I make a statement?
- No, that's not a good idea.

No one should see you while
your face is... marinating.

Okay, she just had 10
years taken off her eyes.

- Yes.
- Well, I don't think they left yet.

You just stay hidden, okay?
Doctor's orders, right?

What are you asking him for?
He's not a doctor.

I mean, he doesn't have any academic
qualifications to speak of.

Well, I have a bachelor's
degree in hotel management

- from Cornell University.
- No, you don't.

Maybe we should ask the vice
president to make a statement.

No! He's the old face
of this administration.

- This is the new face.
- It's a beautiful face.

Well, you know...

So may we go ahead and ask Doyle?

All right, fine. Ow!

- Whoa.
- Aw.

It really hurts to roll my eyes.

Okay, yes, ask Doyle.

But don't tell him why.

- Wow.
- It's okay. It's okay.

Please don't keep touching me every day.

The first ever Thanksgiving,

there was actually no turkey at all.

- Did you know that?
- Fascinating.

The pilgrims, they ate deer

and harvest vegetables
like corn, zucchini.

They yelled at Grandpa, obviously.

- Of course.
- Some truths are eternal, but no turkey.

- Thank you, Senator.
- You're welcome.

Happy Thanksgiving and early Hanukkah.

Yes. We will be right back
after this short break.

- And we're clear.
- I love the Hanukkah bit.

Good. I'm jonesing for a cup of coffee.

I mean sell my sweet white ass
on a street corner jonesing.

Yeah, tell me about it.

Oh, yeah. Sure, yeah.

Also one cream, splash of
half-and-half, one sugar, one Splenda.

If that's not too much trouble.

- Not at all. I'm...
- Egan to please.

Ben: Mr. Vice President.

Ben, I would have you to
the table, but my wife,

she fucking hates you as do I.

And we had to throw the
turkey in the trash.

That's why I'm here.

We need you to make a statement
about the salmonella outbreak.

Oh, why doesn't the president make it?

Her mouth is swollen
from dental surgery.

- She can't make a statement.
- You're fucking kidding me.

Why wasn't I informed? You know there's
a system in place for this eventuality?

It falls between the
24th and 26th Amendment.

She hasn't been sedated.
She's not incapacitated.

So there was no need to invoke the 25th.

Well, if she's not incapacitated,
you don't need me.

She's not not incapacitated.

She's just not fully capacitated.

You fucking people.

I mean, you treat the Constitution
like a build-your-own-pizza menu.

Sir, you're calm, you're confident,

you exude a crotchety gravitas.

We need to shut this down like a
fucking public school for the arts.

Doyle: So I've spoken to the president.

She's up to date with the situation,
which we think is under control.

Yeah, Jeff?

How do you feel about
the term Turkeypocalypse?

I think that's a term
invented by the media.

It's idiotic, but it scares people
into watching more news, right?

- This is amazing.
- Yeah, he's doing okay.

No, I got an email from
that surrogate we met with.

She's on board. We're putting
a baby in her.

Jesus, Mike. I'm gonna put a baby in you

- if you don't get your head in the game.
- Sorry.

- Where is the president?
- James, do me a favor.

Next time you have a
root canal, remind me.

I'll come and pester you to be
back at your desk in an hour.

Christ, I thought he was
gonna shit the bed.

Instead he's doing turndown service
and leaving a mint on the pillow.

You know, that can be the difference
between a three- and a four-star hotel.

All right, who's up first?

We've got Congressman Jaeger.
He's from Wisconsin.

Is he the one with the
prostitute problem?


Oh, never mind. They all have that.

House is like Caligula's room.

Okay, well, you got the...
that's a five.

Yeah, I got it.

- Hello?
- Happy Thanksgiving.

This is the president calling.
Is Congressman Jaeger available?

- Oh, sure. Let me get him.
- Thank you.

See? President calling herself.

That's gotta be very impressive.

I would die.

Jaeger: Yes, Madam President, hello.

Selina: Congressman Jaeger, how are you?

Well, to be honest, the holidays
are a little tough on our family.

My wife and I are trying
to work some things out.

- Prostitutes.
- Mm-hmm.

So I'm sure that you know why
I'm calling, Congressman.

Of course. The salmonella outbreak.

Ma'am, have you considered
making a statement?

If I have learned one thing
about crisis management,

it's that you've got to get out there
and talk to the American people.

If they hear it from you directly, you
can get away with just about anything.

Bordello Bill is giving me advice.

Maybe you should declare
a state of emergency.

- Are you able to do that?
- Yeah, but unfortunately, I have to run.

I hope I can count on your
support in the upcoming vote.

Happy Thanksgiving. Bye-bye. Oh, my God.

How many more of these do we have to do?

Okay, we've got Congressman Coffey.

Coffey. Where does he stick his dick?

Here's the statement from
Health and Human Services.

Hey, do you guys know a luxurious
but super cheap hotel?

Yeah, in the Philippines.

Another 60 cases being reported

including New Hampshire
Congressman Harry Sherman.

Jeez, he couldn't eat a turkey
unless you put it in a blender

and fed it to him through a straw.

Wait, the turkeys have
a hotel room, right?

Yes. We better go see
the black-eyed pea.

- Hello?
- Big news, babe.

Our surrogate Debralee is a go.

Praise Jesus! Are you kidding me?

We got to celebrate. Afternoon quickie.

Where? In the basement?

Not this time. Big Mike has a surprise.

I got us a suite at the Willard.

I'll text you the... no, I'll
sext you the room number.

Any news on Sherman?

CNN and Fox both say he's critical,

but Fox says it with blonder
hair and bigger tits.

What is this? Is that lint?

- You got one of those...
- Yeah, lint brush. Sure, right here.

That is amazing.

Can I trouble you for
another cup of coffee?

- I'm running on fumes.
- I'm your man.

And one cream.

Splash of half-and-half.

One sugar and one Splenda.

Fuck me.

Selina: Yes, Congressman,

the vice president is certainly the...

the president that never was.

You know what, actually? I'm gonna
have to call you back, Congressman.

Thank you so much. Happy Thanksgiving.
Yes. What?

Sherman's dead.

Ow! Oh, my God, that hurts so much.

Please don't surprise
me like that again.

We just got word.

Why couldn't he have waited
until after the weekend?

Well, in many ways, this could be
the best thing that could happen.

Say what, now?

We just lost the oldest
member of the House

and our president can't make a statement
without a paper bag on her head.

You're missing the big picture.
Sherman was an O'Brien diehard.

That's one less vote for O'Brien
and possibly one vote for us

if they can hold a special
election in time.

New Hampshire could
give us the presidency.

If I had known that, I would
have killed him myself.

Jonah's Uncle Jeff is flying down.

He's still the kingmaker
in New Hampshire.

God, he is such, like,
a little man, isn't he?

He is.

- Fuck!
- What?

O'Brien is offering
condolences to the widow.

We got to get somebody to say
something about Sherman.

Not Doyle. Anyone but the veep.

- We got to lance that Doyle.
- No promises, ma'am.

- What?
- No promises.

Come on.

- What is that?
- It's your Thanksgiving meal.

Why are there two place settings? You
know Charlie's not coming, right?

I do. That was just for in case you
wanted someone to sit with you.

Not to eat, just to talk.

Or be quiet.

- I'm not hungry.
- Me neither.

- You again?
- Sherman's dead.

We need you to make another statement.

What is dental surgery
code for anyway, Ben?

I mean, is it like anal bleaching?

Because if it is, you should
just come out and say that

because the American people,
they'll accept it in time.

To be honest with you, sir,
she's not looking real good.

And I'll be honest with you. I don't think
you're being honest about being honest.

So you know what? I want
to see the president.

- That won't be necessary.
- No more messengers, Ben.

If she wants me to do her bullshit,

she can tell me out of her
own shining white asshole.

Today's media-go-round
was a tour De force.

More like a waste De time.

Well, maybe you thought I was too busy

sorting through your junk
mail folder to realize

you mentioned things like zucchini
and Atlantic City and Pfizer,

all clients, of course, of Sidney
"Why is That Guy Calling Me" Purcell.

I used a lot of other words, too.

I'm pretty sure I said
"be" and also "careful."

I don't know what your
endgame is, but I want in.

I will bring you back human
ears for a necklace.

I am your guy.

Didn't you have, like,
a nervous breakdown?

- You had a nervous breakdown, right?
- It was not a breakdown.

It was just more a little bit
of psychological indigestion.

You just got back from Nevada
and you lost the recount.

It's got to be a pretty stressful time.

Seems to me like you're spinning out.

At least that's what I'm
gonna have to tell everyone.

Which would be a shame.

You're right. I don't even know
what we were talking about.

We're talking about
your mental state, Dan.

Your lips are looking a little dry.

- I just want to see if I have that balm.
- Oh, goodie.

Kent: Ben is bringing over
Vice President Doyle.

He insisted on seeing you.

Forgive me, but you
have to be nice to him.

What? I know that.

Why is everybody always
telling me to be nice?

All right? It is... oh, here.

- Jesus Horatio Christ.
- Andrew.


Needless to say, I did
not have root canal.

Thanks, guys. I got it.
Come, sit down, please.

Can I just say how much I appreciate

your coming down on your Thanksgiving

and giving it up to come here?
Thank you.

Sherman may have been from
the other side of the aisle,

but he's a decent guy

even though he still
used the word coloreds.

Oh, well, nobody's perfect, right?

You can cut the shit, Selina.

I have barely seen you for two months.

- Well, apologies about that.
- Okay.

Listen, I will go out there
with my golden boy smile,

- give 'em the Doyle dazzle.
- Okay.

But there's something I want in return.

I want to be considered
for Secretary of State.

It's the job I've always wanted.

Hughes said that he would give it
to me if he won a second term.

And he also said he'd
kick you off the ticket.

See, there's that Doyle dazzle
and I'm a big fan of it.

Andrew, I'm a woman of my word

and you have my word.

Fair enough.

- Okay, good. All right.
- Say, did Ben do this to you?

Because I can get you to a shelter.

- That's so funny.
- Seriously, I know he says he loves you,

but if you don't press charges,
he's gonna kill you someday.

I love it. Domestic abuse jokes.
They just tickle me.

As most of you already know, Congressman
Harry Sherman passed away today

in a hospital near his home in his
beloved state of New Hampshire.

Hey, I've got something for
you guys, something big.

I think Tom is up to something
with Sidney Purcell.

Up to what?

At each of today's programs,

he mentioned one of Purcell's clients.

I mean, zucchini, Pfizer, farmed salmon.

- Tom is not that stupid.
- There's a clear pattern.

And I noticed it, so I confronted
him with the evidence.

- And?
- And he said that I was crazy.

- You know what it could be?
- What?

That you are fucking crazy.

You were foaming at the
mouth during the election.

Tom James.

It was a fucking panic attack.

Tom James.

Goddamn panic attack.

You know it was a fucking panic attack.

Kent: Well done.

Congratulations, Mrs. McLintock.

Listen, baby, I have
some giblets simmering

and five really hungry people, so I'm
gonna need you to be really quick.

No problem. Fastest gun in DC.

Do you smell something?

No, nothing. Just the whiff of romance.

No, I smell something.
You don't smell anything?

Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm.

Amy's dad: So what is
this Tom James guy like?

- Is he tall?
- I should get back to work.

- The president needs me.
- Well, you just got here.

Why don't you tell me about Vegas?
Did you two girls have fun?

Well, one of us did,

but what happens in
Vegas stays in Vegas.

Jesus, for the final
time, it was not Vegas!

Amy, please don't swear like
that in front of the kids.

I'll get it.

Do not make me call your fathers.

What the fuck? You're not
answering your phone?

- My family hid it.
- Look, I've got to run something by you.

I fully support your decision
to live as an ugly woman.

- Amy's mom: Who's there, honey?
- Just Dan.

Oh, good. Bring him in.

- It's Thanksgiving.
- Please don't make me.

Jeff: I spoke to the governor.

New Hampshire is gonna
hold a special election

for the seat before Christmas.

- But...
- Sounds like a big goddamn but.

Oh, yeah, this is a giant, juicy,
muscular Serena Williams but.

Sherman's widow is about to announce

that she is running for the seat.

I have recurring nightmares

about running against widows.

We've got a list of vetted names here.

Great, why don't you send
them right over to me?

- I'm running low on toilet paper.
- Excuse me?

You don't give me names, Beardo.
I give you names.

So take your list, roll it up real tiny,

attach it to the leg
of a carrier pigeon,

and have it fly up tubby's dick.

So who's your choice?

You know I'm grooming my nephew Ezra.

Heard a lot of great things about Ezra.

Brilliant, handsome,
wife's a solid eight.

After kids, probably still be a seven.

Mark my words, he will
be president someday.

But Ezra's currently
serving in Afghanistan.

Besides, for anyone to beat the widow,
they're gonna have to fight dirty

- and I don't shit where I eat.
- Well, me neither,

not since my wife caught me
eating yogurt on the crapper.

We need a real piece
of cannon fodder here,

some spectacular dumbass

willing to charge this machine gun nest,

sacrifice his name and reputation,

and then fuck off so
Ezra can slide right in.

So do you have a list of
spectacular dumbasses?

There's only one name on it.

For my family back in
Connecticut, we ditched the turkey.

That's because I have a special recipe

for farmed salmon with
a side of zucchini.

- See? They're both clients.
- Well, what does it mean?

- I don't know.
- He doesn't know. Why would he know?

So for dessert, there's apple and
pecan pie. What would you like?

You know, I would love
a little bit of both.

Oh, you want both, do you?

Yeah, why not?

I'll tell you why not,
you shit sack Casanova.

You have had sex with
both of my daughters.

I mean, have you no shame? Wait a
minute, sweetie, I just figured it out.

You know what it is? You want to
fuck my wife, too, don't you?

- Good night, Brookheimers.
- Bye, Dan.

- Sorry.

Mrs. Ryan, these old Thanksgiving
photos are priceless.

- Oh.
- Wow, that is some overbite.

It's like a wererabbit.

Well, I was advanced for my age.

I had all my adult teeth by age four.

I didn't know children still
wore leashes at this age.

- Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
- Okay, Jeff.

I should tell you that there's not
enough white meat to go around.

- I don't want a repeat of '79.
- Whatever.

Listen, the reason I'm here...
now that Sherman is dead,

there is going to be a special
election back home for the seat and...

Oh, you want me to canvass for
Cousin Ezra the war hero?

No, I want you to run.

You want me to run his campaign?

No, Jonah, I want you
to run for the seat.


Dear Lord who guides
me and nourishes me,

I set foot on this path that
you have laid before me

with a strong arm and a willing heart

to totally rock this shit. Amen.

The Jonah Ryan story, chapter five.

The House kneels before
the fucking J-man.

I'm running for Congress!

Oh, my God, that's great.

Actual Congress or some
fantasy league Congress?

Of course, up against the Widow Sherman,

it's gonna be like climbing Mt. McKinley

with your balls stapled to a piano.

She's got my vote, bless her heart.

Ain't a challenge been
invented Jonah Ryan can't do.

Ice bucket challenge.
You backed out of that.

Ice bucket challenge can suck my dick.

Well, it did raise a lot of
awareness for whatever ALS is.

- Who is this man?
- Richard Splett.

- Splett?
- Splett.

Yeah, okay. This is just
for one term here, Jonah.

You're merely acting as
a placeholder for Ezra.

Once I'm in, I'm in.

I went to the White House
on a three-week placement.

I'm a MRSA infection. You
don't get rid of Jonah Ryan.

Listen to me, all right? I'm not
asking you, I am telling you.

Yeah, but it's not my fault if Cousin
Lezra ends up eating my nut dust

and becoming the goofy Paul Simon
to my angelic-voiced Art Garfunkel.

Can I talk to you down
here just a minute?


Now listen to me, you walking trisomy.

I could get dog shit in a condom
elected in New Hampshire.

You are my puppet. I'd let you dance.

And when I stuff you back in
the toy box to let Ezra lead,

you will be grateful I ever let your
wooden painted face take the stage.

Now, do you or do you
not understand me?!

- Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir.
- Yeah.

- Jeff. Jeff.
- Hey, leave it.

I don't want you screaming at Joni.

Congratulations, sir. May I be
the first to join your campaign?

- Absolutely, chief of staff.
- Please let me earn it.

There will be a vetting process.

Okay, I'll just take a few questions
first, then I'll bring you up again, okay?

- All right.
- Okay.

Oh, hey, is it possible
to get salmonella

if you were to make
love in a turkey's bed?

I'm sorry?

I should add the turkeys
were no longer there.

Never mind. I'll be back.

- Mike! Mike! Mike!
- You wanted to see me, ma'am?

How'd it go with the New
Hampshire Napoleon?

- He's got a lot of ideas.
- Yeah? Good.

Oh, my God. Would you look at this?

Reporter: Mike, why won't
she give a statement?

Somewhere in the world there's
a woman exactly my age

getting her pussy eaten and
I'm stuck here watching this.

God, I've got to get out there.

When Admiral Burger first
suggested this trip,

it seemed like a very small sacrifice

to forgo a traditional Thanksgiving

with my beloved daughter Catherine

and travel here to be with

our brave sailors and Marines.


And, ladies and gentlemen of the press,

I want to thank you for
your understanding

as to the secrecy of this trip

and why I've had to be incommunicado
for the last few days.

I also want to take this opportunity
to introduce Congressman Bill Jaeger

from the first district in the
great state of Wisconsin.

- They're ready for you, ma'am.
- How was your Thanksgiving, Marjorie?

- It was nice, ma'am.
- Where were you?

- Maryland, ma'am.
- Oh, that's where I'm from.

I know, ma'am.


- What?
- What just happened?

- I can't even look at her.
- Yeah.

All right, who's ready for
some piping hot tofurkey?

Where are the tongs?

Ma'am, I'll be happy to
hold your sunglasses for you.

Oh, no, no, I'm good.

That's tofurkey. It's made from...

- Wheat, protein, organic tofu.
- ...wheat, protein, and organic tofu.

- There you go.
- We're gonna have a mutiny.

We're gonna have a mut... let's
get some meat on your bones.

Or we'll put this on your bones.

- We just got a text from Ben.
- Okay.

He said your trip is
playing really well.

- Keep waving the flag.
- Great.

And Jonah's running for
Congress in New Hampshire.



What is that?

- Oh, my God. Ah!
- Oh.

- Here.
- Thank you.

Just... shit.

I bet you there's about 20
pieces of corn in here.

Could be more. Probably fit
a lot of corn in there.

Oh, my God.

What the fuck is going... here.