Veep (2012–…): Season 5, Episode 1 - Episode #5.1 - full transcript
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
SELINA: My fellow Americans,
I stand before you this
morning in barefaced awe
of the majesty of our democratic system.
What a night.
In a democracy such as ours,
it falls to the people to
choose their president,
and that is what you
attempted to do last night.
As it turned out, there's a
virtually unprecedented tie
in the electoral college,
a somewhat arcane institution
that many scholars believe
we should do away with.
I wish to say on a personal note
that although there is a tie,
I am most privileged to
have won the popular vote.
And though this tie may be frustrating,
I want to assure the American people
our country is not leaderless.
No matter who you voted
for, I am your president.
Thank you all. God bless you.
And may God bless the
United States of America.
We're clear.
Can we have the room?
Fantastic speech, ma'am.
The three Ss... strength,
stability and bullshit.
I forgot to thank the voters for making our
country look like a high school Spanish club.
Didn't those founding fuckers
ever hear of an odd number?
Two great Greek
contributions to society...
democracy and getting fucked up the ass.
I've tried both and they're
way overrated, like jazz.
My bowling coach used to say a tie
was like kissing your sister.
Well, this feels like my sister
took a shit on my chest.
God, I'll tell you something, too, okay?
There is no world in which I
am going to be vice president
to that smug, Dick Van Dyke-looking
motherfucker Tom James.
Who in the hell does he think...
Catherine, what are you
doing with that thing?
- BEN: Is that on?
- Remember when we got back last night?
My thesis film about the tie.
She majored in film at Vassar College.
Oh, believe me, I know
what she majored in.
65 grand a year to watch movies.
Mom, this is such a historic event.
Can you please just get off of me?
And I never came up with a
thesis my advisor liked
because I had that thing last semester
where I was tired all the time...
Okay, we don't have time to hear
the story of your syndrome.
What about your minor, dance?
Why don't you make up a little kind
of a dance about the election?
You know, you can't decide should
you dance or should you not dance?
I want you to take this seriously.
You promised me.
Please, Catherine, stop with
the whining, all right?
You're gonna shatter the
bulletproof glass in here.
How is it that we did not win Delaware?
Okay, is that a yes to my question?
Okay, she can have full access, okay?
Starting right after we address
the situation in Yemen.
Honey, it's Yemen.
Life gives you Yemen, you
got to make Yemenade.
Okay, well, I'll come back later.
You always do. (KISSES)
- (DOOR CLOSES)
- Ma'am.
No, there's not gonna be a film.
The only thing Catherine ever finished
was an entire ice cream cake.
Quick thinking about Yemen, by the way.
Actually, four Christian
missionaries burned to death.
Oh, even better.
Amy! Jesus.
This thing on the side of my
face feels like a dog nipple.
It's hardly noticeable, ma'am,
like our Hispanic voter turnout.
Maybe you just might want to
see a doctor just in case.
No, she doesn't need a doctor.
I got it under control.
- Amy!
- Yeah?
- So, what?
- Nothing.
I've been on the phone all
night with these clueless
constitutional law experts of ours.
I don't know what's getting
their dicks harder,
an electoral college tie
or talking to a girl.
- Are you back?
- No, I'm not back. I'm just helping out.
- Ma'am.
- What?
Do you want to see a doctor about the...
- It's a stress pimple.
- No, it's...
- I get them on my ass all the time.
- It's not a stress pimple.
It's a pimple that erupted
during a very stressful time.
- Gary's on it, okay?
- Exactly, yes.
- I don't have a spoon.
- Oh.
Have you tried cider vinegar?
No, we're using hot compresses.
That's all we need.
For the stress pimple? Ben gets those
on his butt. She should see a doctor.
- Amy's back.
- No, I'm not back.
- Ma'am, rave reviews on the speech.
- Good.
- Oh, and big news.
- Oh, God, O'Brien made a statement?
I'm sorry, I should have
said big personal news.
Wendy and I are adopting
a baby from China.
GARY: Oh!
We were keeping it a secret
till after the election.
Actually, Wendy was keeping it
a secret from me until today
because I'm so bad with keeping secrets.
- But I'm gonna be a dad.
- You're a nincompoop.
We are in the middle of a tied election.
There is no time for some Chinese baby.
Cancel it and see if you
can get your money back.
Fortune cookie say you fuck
up big-time, round eye.
It's not a big deal. I don't
even know when to expect her.
And, starting today, I'm
getting in dad shape.
Counting my steps.
Too bad you're not
counting your missteps.
You'd be done by breakfast, right?
I prefer to count my steps in my head.
4,383.
Get out of my sight, Kent, okay?
I have not forgiven you for this tie.
Ma'am, I have the final House results.
- Lafontaine won?
- Mm-hmm.
How many abortions does a pro-lifer
have to pressure his mistress into
before the people turn on him?
- Three.
- And how did Craig lose?
Didn't she go to Indiana,
like, five times?
That may have been the problem.
All right, listen. From
this moment forward,
people, I am all about the House vote.
We are recommending direct engagement
with individual congressmen.
- That's got to happen.
- BEN: That's right.
And every day you have to do the
one thing O'Brien can't do.
- Yeah, drive sober.
- Take a shit without getting a hernia.
Be the president. It is imperative
that you look presidential right now.
I'm going to visit troops,
go on and off of Air Force
One as much as possible.
- We don't even have to leave the ground.
- Right.
Ma'am, you may want to consider
- moving up that symposium on race.
- SELINA: Uh...
I don't think that we're
symposium on race desperate yet.
- All right?
- Hi.
Sorry I'm late.
Strangely, I agree with
everything Amy just said.
And if I may also suggest
repurposing the election Twitter account
to a new POTUS account to talk
directly to the American people.
Great idea, Bill. Could you...
could you step outside
for a moment, please?
- (DOOR OPENS)
- Sure.
Now.
- (DOOR CLOSES)
- There's only one person
I'd be more surprised to see
today in the Roosevelt Room
and that's Teddy fucking Roosevelt.
- I'm just trying to help the president.
- And she appreciates that.
But the US Attorney for the District
of Columbia is prepared to indict you.
You're as welcome here as a
swastika-shaped shit in a synagogue.
- Of course.
- I spoke with the president
and she's willing to
reconsider a full pardon
if you surrender quietly. No media.
Just don't want to
dominate the news cycle.
- Can I just say one thing?
- Yes, good-bye.
- (DOOR OPENS)
- So, how'd it go?
He took it like a man.
Oh, well, he better get
used to that. Pfft.
Isn't she adorable?
- Oh, they all look alike to me.
- What?
Not Chinese people, but
pictures of children. How old?
The agency says she's either
16 months or three years old.
- Do you like your Fitbit?
- Oh, yeah.
- I am just over 12,000 steps today.
- (PHONE RINGING)
I'm at 3,000. Did you run to work today?
No, the job keeps me active.
Office of the president.
Hold, please.
When we come back, the
pollster postmortem.
Why were the exit polls so off?
- Oh, Greg. Greg.
- Dan.
- Great job last night.
- Thank you.
I saw Matty Curtis crying
in the parking garage.
(LAUGHS) That's fantastic. Hey, listen.
I was really hoping to get back
on, but they got me waiting
- in the greenroom for, like, two hours.
- Spauldy showed up.
He's here. He's getting his hair done.
Just go home, I guess.
But I killed it last night, right?
Dan, look, I think you could
have a future in this,
but you got to get out there
and make a name for yourself.
You ran one campaign for two weeks
and had a nervous breakdown.
That is medically inaccurate.
Go out, win a race with a Jesus-loving
homophobic homosexual or
a racist billionaire.
Then we can talk about a career in TV.
- How's Zitzilla looking?
- Angry. You been picking at it?
No.
Ahem, well, maybe a little bit, but...
- Ow! Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God. What? What?
- Oh, that is so hot.
- It's supposed to be hot.
And the tea is cold.
Madam President, Chinese hackers
breached an NSA firewall
earlier this morning.
- Any chance they fixed the Wi-Fi?
- I'll check.
And the director of the Secret
Service is waiting to see you.
Then send him in. If he's been
waiting to see me, I mean...
- hi, Keith.
- Sorry to bother you, ma'am.
No, it's okay. It's no bother.
Since you became president, we have been
looking for a new lead agent for your detail.
Gosh, I like Bob. I mean, apart
from the discolored tooth.
But that's obviously not
a reason to replace him.
- Can they replace the tooth?
- No, no.
Ma'am, this is Special
Agent Marjorie Palmiotti.
- Oh, hello.
- Hello, ma'am.
- Agent?
- Palmiotti.
- Palmiotti, okay. Welcome aboard.
- Thank you.
Ma'am, a key requirement
for being lead agent
is someone who looks like the
president, especially from behind,
to provide an additional decoy
target for any would-be assailants.
I'm a perfect match from behind.
Um, okay, I'll tell you something.
I am not quite seeing it,
um, only because I'm...
well, you are...
Ma'am?
It's just... would you mind
just giving us a second,
Agent Palmi... thank you.
Keith, are you really not
seeing what it is I'm seeing?
- No, ma'am.
- Gary, can you help me out here?
She smells completely
different, so, you know...
- That is not what... it's not...
- (KNOCKS)
Excuse me, ma'am, if you... I'm sorry.
- What?
- You've got to see this, ma'am.
- Pleasure to meet you.
- Pleasure to meet you, ma'am.
Oh, shit.
The big story at this moment... Nevada.
With all the votes now tallied,
Senator Bill O'Brien's lead
over President Selina Meyer
is now less than half a percent,
which by Nevada state law
would allow for a possible recount.
If President Meyer
were to win a recount,
she wins Nevada's six electoral votes
- and therefore the presidency.
- Oh!
- All the networks have it.
- "New York Times" as well.
- Oh, my God! Oh, wait.
- (LAUGHING)
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a
minute. Is this really happening?
I mean, do we actually
have a chance at Nevada?
- "Nev-add-a."
- Oh, my God.
I get to be president. I don't
have to move. What do we do?
Ma'am, we need to be sure
that when we get on...
No, shut up, Kent. You already
lost Nevada for me once.
- "Nev-add-a."
- Ben, what do we do?
Uh, we need to get ahold of our
people in Nevada. Don't. Don't.
RICHARD: The vast majority of
Nevada voting is done by machine.
Once the Nevada Secretary of
State certifies the count,
we'll then have 72 hours
to request a recount.
At that point, 5% of the
precincts will be selected,
and if there's a discrepancy
of more than 1%,
a full hand recount will be requested.
I actually did my doctorate in
recount procedures in the West.
Excellent work, Richard.
Richard works for me.
You have a doctorate?
Two. Constitutional law
and veterinary medicine,
- which was my fallback.
- But you were getting my coffee.
Which is much harder 'cause you
have so many different moods.
Like a half-caff and a
full-caff, macchiato.
- "Ma-key-ato."
- Macchiato.
Okay, Richard, you are going
to be my recount specialist.
- Jonah, you're working for Richard.
- Wait, what?
Amy, you got to sort
all of this out, okay?
Ma'am, I really can't go to Nevada.
I'm not even really here.
Ma'am, O'Brien is calling a press conference
in an hour to discuss the recount.
I'm gonna talk in a half an hour, okay?
I got to say stuff before he says stuff.
- Listen, you got to write something up.
- I'm on it.
- Right now. Ooh, recount, recount.
- I'm on it.
Jonah, with me, please.
This is highly enriched
weapons-grade bullshit.
How dare she put you in charge of me?
It's an outrage is what it is.
It is an outrage, you know?
She's Uncle Dursley and she's got
the great wizard Harry Potter
living under the staircase.
Do you see that? But what happens
in the Harry Potter books?
He rises up and he
kills all the muggles.
I don't think that's what happens.
Actually, I'm sorry, that lumbar
support goes with this chair.
- GARY: Yeah, we're getting there.
- Okay, so what do you got?
Am I still standing in barefaced awe of
the majesty of our democratic system?
- Not exactly, ma'am. This time...
- (WATCH BEEPS)
- Oh, sorry.
- What?
Just hit 5,000 steps on my Fitbit.
- Okay, okay.
- This time, you're simply blessed.
Wow, I thought your last one
was flowery, vacuous nonsense.
This one is much worse. Excellent, Mike.
Gary, this is taking longer than it did
for them to paint my
fucking pool house.
We got to go.
- Good afternoon.
- Good afternoon.
Yes, oh, wow. Look at this full house.
When I think about this
great country of ours,
I have to count my blessings.
Earlier today as you'll remember,
I briefed you on the state
of affairs regarding...
It's looking a little worse.
Wherever you stand in the room,
it's still looking at you.
Since that time, we have
been doubly blessed
by new developments in
the state of Nevada.
And I am confident...
- (GARY GROANS)
- ...that all Americans,
including Senator O'Brien...
- Leave it. Leave it.
- (BLOWING) Come on.
It is my clear duty as president
to enforce the laws of this country
after a careful assessment
of what those laws actually mean.
(PHONES CHIMING)
I am also blessed to be your
candidate for president.
- What is this?
- Did it pop? Did it pop?
The Dow is dropping lower than
my balls on a hot summer day.
While the American people
may sometimes be...
BEN: It's the fucking pimple.
Zitzilla just stomped
all over Wall Street.
And in that, we are all blessed.
- Thank you.
- (REPORTERS CLAMORING)
So, how was that?
- Uh...
- REPORTER: The Dow has dropped 986...
Oh, suck my dick.
Panic from the recount
led to a huge sell-off
and the market is so
overmargined, blammo.
They're already calling
it Black Wednesday.
Jesus, it's only Wednesday?
And O'Brien just issued a statement.
He says, "The market crash caused
a blotch on the face of America."
Is that about my pimple?
Well, I don't think it helped.
- Gary.
- Yeah?
- I want to see a doctor.
- Okay, I just don't think...
You did this, okay? All that
heat made it grow bigger.
You baked a fucking soufflé on my face.
Madam President. Howzit going?
(CHUCKLES)
Did he just say zit?
How come no one ever tries to
assassinate a vice president?
SELINA: Okay, so what are we
going to do about the economy?
Why don't we appoint an economy czar for
a start? That seems like something.
Like an empty cop car they park on the
side of the road to slow speeders.
Those cars are empty?
- Okay, you've got to sit down.
- Yes, ma'am.
Guys, it might be time to move
up the symposium on race.
BEN: I'm on it, ma'am,
like brown on rice.
Ma'am, Tom James just gave an interview
to the Bumfuck "Plain Dealer"
where he says, and I quote, "I just
want to make sure they're recounting
all the absentee ballots of our men
and women bravely serving overseas."
It's up on AP, too.
What is he doing? He knows
that the military hates me.
There are only bound to be
more votes for O'Brien.
We need less of those and
more votes for you, ma'am.
You think?
No, what we have to do is
hang a bell on this guy.
He's completely off book.
No, ma'am, I think that means
that he's learned all his lines
and he no longer needs a script.
- No, he's off book.
- Off the hook?
No, he's... God, he's
deviating from the book
of the things that he should do.
- You mean off the rails.
- Oh.
Fine, he's off the rails.
Well, let's make Tom economy czar.
Yeah.
We'll czar him. That'll
give him something to do.
All right, we're gonna start with that.
Amy, Amy, I just need to
talk to you for one second.
I've got a very big question.
I can't go to Nevada. I'm sorry.
I have thought about this a lot.
What do you think of Candi Caruso
to head up Nevada for me?
Oh, yeah.
I hear just excellent things about her.
- "Harvard Law Review."
- Right.
She clerked for Justice Tenny.
- "Politico" 's 30 under 30.
- That's right.
She's still under 30.
She looks older, but...
- You like her? Yeah.
- Yes.
I mean, if you want a super smart woman
who's young and brilliant, then why not?
Yeah, I really want that.
I really do.
Look, regardless of the recount, this
could mean big things for zucchini.
Yeah, good. We'll talk later. Bye.
Hey, Danny boy. Saw
you on TV last night.
- Nicely done.
- Yeah. Thank you.
That's actually what I
wanted to talk to you about.
- Uh-huh.
- See, I need to make some changes.
Can you just let me hold
on one quick second?
- Yeah.
- Shoot off this text. Sorry, go ahead.
- You were saying?
- I was.
I was saying that I really
enjoyed my time here.
- Oh, good.
- And I've learned so much from you.
- That's good to hear.
- (PHONE BUZZES)
- Sorry about that.
- Go ahead, take that.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- It's from you?
- Is it?
- I'm fired?
- Yes, get out.
We are doubling down on O'Brien,
so you're basically as useless
to me as a 40-year-old woman.
- Okay, well...
- (PHONE CHIMES)
Oh, interesting. Getting
something back from you.
Oh, "You can't fire me, I quib."
- (LAUGHS)
- You know it's supposed to say quit.
Well, I just fired you anyway.
You can't quib, you rebard.
Ma'am, someone opened a Twitter
account for the pimple.
- What?
- It's called POTUS.
- Pimple of the United States.
- Okay.
There are 220,000 followers
as of five minutes ago.
How many Twitter followers do I have?
Approaching that.
Is there anything not fucked up
that you can tell me right now?
Well, the symposium on race is
all set for this afternoon.
Oh, good. Well, that'll be a hoot.
Oh, czar she blows.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
...with the press on Sundays.
- Hey, Tom. Excuse me.
- Madam President.
- How are you?
- I am good.
- So you're up to speed on Nevada?
- Uh-huh.
- And the markets now.
- I saw that.
My God. Which brings me to my point.
Um, I would like to
officially offer you...
No, no, no, no.
- ...the position of economy czar.
- Nope, nope, nope.
Thank you, but no.
Why not? You would be in
charge of the economic crisis.
No, I would be blamed for
the economic crisis.
Tom, stop it. You wanted
to be Treasury Secretary.
Remember? I don't see how this
is any different than that.
Well, respectfully, Madam
President, I hope you do
because if the President
of the United States
can't tell the difference
between Treasury Secretary
and stock market patsy,
that's pretty disturbing.
Then you accept?
Madam President, it is a huge honor,
but I have to balance that
against my need not to do it.
Tom, I'm asking you
as the President of the United States.
And, respectfully, I am declining.
I'm not picking up any respect.
But you're getting the declining?
Do you know what Candi
Caruso's real name is?
It's Candice. And she changed
it to Candi with an I.
If she does that to
her own goddamn name,
how the hell is she going to
handle a potential recount?
Good morning, Amy. This is
the president's schedule,
which, incidentally, Ms.
Caruso is on right now.
- AMY: Oh, I'm aware.
- Oh, good morning, ma'am.
- Good morning.
- Hey, ma'am...
Okay, I see you. You
stay away from my face.
I hear you, but this is a family
recipe from my aunts in Savannah
and they swear by it for
skin problems and migraines.
Mm-hmm.
Chickpea based, Tabasco,
with just a dash...
All you're doing right
now is making me hungry.
So why don't you do
something about that?
Sure, sure.
- Snack.
- Uh-huh, yeah.
Amy, did you need me for anything?
- No. I'm just chilling.
- No? Mmm.
I think the most important
thing in terms of strategy
is controlling the narrative.
Oh, I have a saying. If you're
explaining, you're losing.
Absolutely. I'm right on board with you.
- Excuse me, Madam President.
- Amy.
Have... have you met Candi?
Hi, it's Candi with an I.
Amy with a Y. Which is correct.
We are right in the
middle of an interview
with an exceptionally wonderful
candidate for coordinating Nevada.
Ma'am, it's just gonna take a second.
- Apologies. I'll be right back.
- Absolutely.
- I got you a snack.
- Oh, yeah, give me that.
That's a great dress.
Oh, thank you.
- Size two?
- Um...
Ms. Caruso, the president
sends her apologies,
but the position has been filled.
- Ooh.
- Right this way.
Okay.
And if I need more clothes, then
I'll have you or Mom send them.
Yeah, fine, bye. Richard.
- What's this?
- You know Jonah. He works for me.
In fact, you two used to date,
but you never got over him.
Not Jonah. Why is baby
with a beard here?
Oh, good, you remember Cliff.
He works for me now.
I recruited him from Justice.
The first of many appointments
I intend to make.
Here, Richard, we need recount
lawyers in each county
and we need housing for
all the volunteers.
Could you take care of this, Jonah?
Cliff, my plate is just full of shit right
now and I'd like for you to clean that.
You know what? I'll do it. Yeah.
- I love talking to people anyway.
- Get out.
Out. Take that cushion with you.
That is disgusting.
Actually, it goes with the seat,
so it should probably stay.
- Madam President!
- (PEOPLE SHOUTING)
I can't understand a word.
This afternoon I asked Tom James
to serve as economy czar
and to my delight, he said yes.
- Madam President!
- (ALL SHOUTING)
Senator James' selflessness
is an inspiration to us all.
Whatever useless, vain, vapid thing
you're doing right now, drop it.
Well, I am enjoying a delicious sandwich
made even more delicious by the fact that
there's a homeless guy watching me eat it.
AMY: I need you to get on this
plane to Nevada with me today.
Been there, got fucked by that.
Cut the shit. You just got fired.
- Purcell's told everyone in town.
- That fucker!
Right now you're about as toxic
as a urinal cake in Chernobyl
and I am offering you a job.
You have exactly zero seconds to decide.
You know, Candi Caruso
would have asked me nicer.
Sue, the president's
remarks for the symposium.
And... (POPS MOUTH) caught you.
18,000 steps. I am Chinese baby ready.
Oh, my God. Mike, when are the
auditions for "Music Man"?
- (CHUCKLES)
- So how many flights, Mike?
- What do you mean flights?
- As in flights of stairs.
Burns way more calories. I
am at 22 flights today.
How... stairs?
The things you walk up and down.
Hi, Sue. Is she busy?
Oh, wow, never mind.
- Oh, looky, looky.
- How could you do this?
- What?
- I gave you my decision.
- Oh, suck it.
- Excuse me?
Yeah, you heard me. I LBJ'd you, okay?
I'm the LBJ queen
and you are Sargent "Suck It" Shriver.
And now you have to excuse me,
because this pimple isn't
getting any smaller.
Kind of like the national debt.
(CHUCKLES)
Hey, Sue, is Dr. Abernethy here?
- Yes.
- Okay, send him in, please.
- Do you mind? Hi there, Doctor.
- Madam President.
You know Senator James.
He's our new economy czar.
- Oh, congratulations, sir.
- Thank you.
Prosperity is just around the corner.
- Oh, good. Good, good.
- How may I help you?
Well, you can get rid of this
Skittle that's embedded in my face.
She's also got a mole near her
Spanx line and it's hidden...
Yeah, and this thing up my ass
has got to get removed, too.
- How are you, Gary?
- Fine. You?
- Oh, yeah. That is really deep.
- See?
What have you been doing?
- Just putting heat on it.
- Well, hot heat.
That's the last thing
you want to be doing.
- SELINA: Okay.
- It wasn't that hot.
Small cortisone shot
should take care of it.
- Uh, excuse me, ma'am.
- SELINA: Oh, yeah, come in.
We have to go over your opening
statement for the symposium.
- Sure.
- KENT: Also, ma'am,
catastrophic mudslides in Idaho.
The governor is requesting a
federal state of emergency.
- This should be cleared up in 24 hours.
- Okay.
Just keep your skin free of
all irritants for a few days.
- Ma'am, he said no irritants.
- You're an irritant.
How much did we lose Idaho by?
- Shellacked.
- Uh, well over 212,000 votes.
Then I declare a state
of go fuck yourself.
I'm not spending money to scrape
mud off a bunch of dirt roads.
- You're not from Idaho, are you, Doctor?
- No, ma'am.
I don't mean this to sound insensitive,
but don't you think that mudslides
are the funniest kind
of natural disasters?
I've always been partial to sinkholes.
You know, ah!
- (LAUGHS) Those are hilarious.
- KENT: Nature's trapdoor.
Ma'am, makeup is an irritant
and we really need that.
- Makeup is not an irritant.
- Actually, ma'am, yes, it is.
Let's avoid any makeup on the
facial area for at least 48 hours.
- You're gonna feel a small...
- Oh, no, we're not gonna do this.
- But thanks for coming.
- Yes, ma'am.
I'll show you out.
SELINA: We need to take a peek at this.
- KENT: Thank you, Doc.
- Cold compress, Gary.
Whatever.
I mean...
Yeah, took the words
right out of my mouth.
- Right?
- Yeah.
- Ma'am?
- Hmm?
Oh, Ben, were we able to get Dr.
Weisglass here today?
Absolutely, ma'am.
Okay. Oh, good, Catherine.
You're documenting this.
Okay, welcome to the First
Annual Towards a New Promise...
Mom, don't look into the camera.
- Just pretend I'm not here.
- But you are here.
Yeah, but that's the point of a
documentary film is that you're...
Okay, I don't understand what this
project is at all. I don't get it.
Catherine, why is that your hair?
BEN: They're ready for you, ma'am.
(PANTING)
(CHUCKLES)
(GASPS) There he is.
Dr. Weisglass.
Pleasure to see you
again, Madam President.
I'm so pleased you were able to make it.
And I'm really excited to start
this conversation today.
- Yes, ma'am.
- Sam O'Keefe, also Harvard.
I think what we're gonna
talk about today is hard,
but I think it's going to be
worth it, don't you agree?
- I agree, yes. Thank you.
- Good, good.
Madam President, Elisa Burke,
cochair of African-American
Studies at Howard.
- Oh, Ms. Burke, is it?
- Yes.
Great. Well, every
difficult conversation
starts with a sentence.
What the fuck is going on here?
Why are they all white?
Looks like the NHL All-Star Weekend.
Okay. Hello.
Franklin Washington,
Morehouse University.
Now, Morehouse University
is historically an
African-American university.
- Historically.
- Okay.
We need to round up
some blacks and fast.
- We need to round up...
- Don't say it over the radio, asshole.
Richard! Oh, thank God.
Go get Sue. We need her now.
- Right now.
- Yeah.
Folks, I look around here today
and I see a rainbow of faces, you know?
Faces from the savannahs of Africa
to the cities and towns of England.
Faces from... from Holland
and even perhaps Norway.
(GASPING)
(COUGHS)
In your fucking face, Sue.
- (ALARM BLARING)
- Fuck!
Everyone remain calm.
We're in total lockdown
- while we search the premises.
- We got her.
- (CROWD GASPS)
- Freeze! Put your hands up!
Whoa, whoa! I work here.
- Huh? What happened?
- SUE: Ma'am?
Mr. McLintock, why are there so few
people of color in the Meyer White House?
Mike, does President Meyer
care about black people?
Just moments ago, Bill Ericsson,
former Director of White
House Communications,
was arrested at his Kalorama home
and taken into federal custody.
Due to the seriousness of the crimes
and despite rumors to the contrary,
a pardon is not on the table.
Regrettably, he was also
responsible for the chaos
that occurred at the
symposium on race today.
- Thank you. That's all for now.
- (REPORTERS CLAMORING)
Once again, our top story tonight,
disgraced presidential aide Bill
Ericsson goes into federal custody.
This is a strong move by the president,
who was under fire for a
disastrous symposium on race
that left some wondering if she had
any control over her administration.
- (REPORTERS CLAMORING)
- BILL: No comment!
Wow, he looks puffy on TV.
Well, prison will get him in shape.
Okay, now I've just got to blow
for, like, five minutes, all right?
HART: When we come back, a
wild day on Wall Street.
And we'll go live to Nevada
where armies of staffers
and volunteers for the Meyer
and O'Brien campaigns
are descending on the desert to
monitor and manage the recount.
If you do not have a
reservation, we are sold out.
There are no more rooms at this hotel.
Richard, have your people check us in.
We're going to the lounge.
Jonah, take care of that.
Cliff, would...
Cliff?
Cliff?
Excuse me, are you in line?
Does anybody know where the line ends?
SELINA: My fellow Americans,
I stand before you this
morning in barefaced awe
of the majesty of our democratic system.
What a night.
In a democracy such as ours,
it falls to the people to
choose their president,
and that is what you
attempted to do last night.
As it turned out, there's a
virtually unprecedented tie
in the electoral college,
a somewhat arcane institution
that many scholars believe
we should do away with.
I wish to say on a personal note
that although there is a tie,
I am most privileged to
have won the popular vote.
And though this tie may be frustrating,
I want to assure the American people
our country is not leaderless.
No matter who you voted
for, I am your president.
Thank you all. God bless you.
And may God bless the
United States of America.
We're clear.
Can we have the room?
Fantastic speech, ma'am.
The three Ss... strength,
stability and bullshit.
I forgot to thank the voters for making our
country look like a high school Spanish club.
Didn't those founding fuckers
ever hear of an odd number?
Two great Greek
contributions to society...
democracy and getting fucked up the ass.
I've tried both and they're
way overrated, like jazz.
My bowling coach used to say a tie
was like kissing your sister.
Well, this feels like my sister
took a shit on my chest.
God, I'll tell you something, too, okay?
There is no world in which I
am going to be vice president
to that smug, Dick Van Dyke-looking
motherfucker Tom James.
Who in the hell does he think...
Catherine, what are you
doing with that thing?
- BEN: Is that on?
- Remember when we got back last night?
My thesis film about the tie.
She majored in film at Vassar College.
Oh, believe me, I know
what she majored in.
65 grand a year to watch movies.
Mom, this is such a historic event.
Can you please just get off of me?
And I never came up with a
thesis my advisor liked
because I had that thing last semester
where I was tired all the time...
Okay, we don't have time to hear
the story of your syndrome.
What about your minor, dance?
Why don't you make up a little kind
of a dance about the election?
You know, you can't decide should
you dance or should you not dance?
I want you to take this seriously.
You promised me.
Please, Catherine, stop with
the whining, all right?
You're gonna shatter the
bulletproof glass in here.
How is it that we did not win Delaware?
Okay, is that a yes to my question?
Okay, she can have full access, okay?
Starting right after we address
the situation in Yemen.
Honey, it's Yemen.
Life gives you Yemen, you
got to make Yemenade.
Okay, well, I'll come back later.
You always do. (KISSES)
- (DOOR CLOSES)
- Ma'am.
No, there's not gonna be a film.
The only thing Catherine ever finished
was an entire ice cream cake.
Quick thinking about Yemen, by the way.
Actually, four Christian
missionaries burned to death.
Oh, even better.
Amy! Jesus.
This thing on the side of my
face feels like a dog nipple.
It's hardly noticeable, ma'am,
like our Hispanic voter turnout.
Maybe you just might want to
see a doctor just in case.
No, she doesn't need a doctor.
I got it under control.
- Amy!
- Yeah?
- So, what?
- Nothing.
I've been on the phone all
night with these clueless
constitutional law experts of ours.
I don't know what's getting
their dicks harder,
an electoral college tie
or talking to a girl.
- Are you back?
- No, I'm not back. I'm just helping out.
- Ma'am.
- What?
Do you want to see a doctor about the...
- It's a stress pimple.
- No, it's...
- I get them on my ass all the time.
- It's not a stress pimple.
It's a pimple that erupted
during a very stressful time.
- Gary's on it, okay?
- Exactly, yes.
- I don't have a spoon.
- Oh.
Have you tried cider vinegar?
No, we're using hot compresses.
That's all we need.
For the stress pimple? Ben gets those
on his butt. She should see a doctor.
- Amy's back.
- No, I'm not back.
- Ma'am, rave reviews on the speech.
- Good.
- Oh, and big news.
- Oh, God, O'Brien made a statement?
I'm sorry, I should have
said big personal news.
Wendy and I are adopting
a baby from China.
GARY: Oh!
We were keeping it a secret
till after the election.
Actually, Wendy was keeping it
a secret from me until today
because I'm so bad with keeping secrets.
- But I'm gonna be a dad.
- You're a nincompoop.
We are in the middle of a tied election.
There is no time for some Chinese baby.
Cancel it and see if you
can get your money back.
Fortune cookie say you fuck
up big-time, round eye.
It's not a big deal. I don't
even know when to expect her.
And, starting today, I'm
getting in dad shape.
Counting my steps.
Too bad you're not
counting your missteps.
You'd be done by breakfast, right?
I prefer to count my steps in my head.
4,383.
Get out of my sight, Kent, okay?
I have not forgiven you for this tie.
Ma'am, I have the final House results.
- Lafontaine won?
- Mm-hmm.
How many abortions does a pro-lifer
have to pressure his mistress into
before the people turn on him?
- Three.
- And how did Craig lose?
Didn't she go to Indiana,
like, five times?
That may have been the problem.
All right, listen. From
this moment forward,
people, I am all about the House vote.
We are recommending direct engagement
with individual congressmen.
- That's got to happen.
- BEN: That's right.
And every day you have to do the
one thing O'Brien can't do.
- Yeah, drive sober.
- Take a shit without getting a hernia.
Be the president. It is imperative
that you look presidential right now.
I'm going to visit troops,
go on and off of Air Force
One as much as possible.
- We don't even have to leave the ground.
- Right.
Ma'am, you may want to consider
- moving up that symposium on race.
- SELINA: Uh...
I don't think that we're
symposium on race desperate yet.
- All right?
- Hi.
Sorry I'm late.
Strangely, I agree with
everything Amy just said.
And if I may also suggest
repurposing the election Twitter account
to a new POTUS account to talk
directly to the American people.
Great idea, Bill. Could you...
could you step outside
for a moment, please?
- (DOOR OPENS)
- Sure.
Now.
- (DOOR CLOSES)
- There's only one person
I'd be more surprised to see
today in the Roosevelt Room
and that's Teddy fucking Roosevelt.
- I'm just trying to help the president.
- And she appreciates that.
But the US Attorney for the District
of Columbia is prepared to indict you.
You're as welcome here as a
swastika-shaped shit in a synagogue.
- Of course.
- I spoke with the president
and she's willing to
reconsider a full pardon
if you surrender quietly. No media.
Just don't want to
dominate the news cycle.
- Can I just say one thing?
- Yes, good-bye.
- (DOOR OPENS)
- So, how'd it go?
He took it like a man.
Oh, well, he better get
used to that. Pfft.
Isn't she adorable?
- Oh, they all look alike to me.
- What?
Not Chinese people, but
pictures of children. How old?
The agency says she's either
16 months or three years old.
- Do you like your Fitbit?
- Oh, yeah.
- I am just over 12,000 steps today.
- (PHONE RINGING)
I'm at 3,000. Did you run to work today?
No, the job keeps me active.
Office of the president.
Hold, please.
When we come back, the
pollster postmortem.
Why were the exit polls so off?
- Oh, Greg. Greg.
- Dan.
- Great job last night.
- Thank you.
I saw Matty Curtis crying
in the parking garage.
(LAUGHS) That's fantastic. Hey, listen.
I was really hoping to get back
on, but they got me waiting
- in the greenroom for, like, two hours.
- Spauldy showed up.
He's here. He's getting his hair done.
Just go home, I guess.
But I killed it last night, right?
Dan, look, I think you could
have a future in this,
but you got to get out there
and make a name for yourself.
You ran one campaign for two weeks
and had a nervous breakdown.
That is medically inaccurate.
Go out, win a race with a Jesus-loving
homophobic homosexual or
a racist billionaire.
Then we can talk about a career in TV.
- How's Zitzilla looking?
- Angry. You been picking at it?
No.
Ahem, well, maybe a little bit, but...
- Ow! Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God. What? What?
- Oh, that is so hot.
- It's supposed to be hot.
And the tea is cold.
Madam President, Chinese hackers
breached an NSA firewall
earlier this morning.
- Any chance they fixed the Wi-Fi?
- I'll check.
And the director of the Secret
Service is waiting to see you.
Then send him in. If he's been
waiting to see me, I mean...
- hi, Keith.
- Sorry to bother you, ma'am.
No, it's okay. It's no bother.
Since you became president, we have been
looking for a new lead agent for your detail.
Gosh, I like Bob. I mean, apart
from the discolored tooth.
But that's obviously not
a reason to replace him.
- Can they replace the tooth?
- No, no.
Ma'am, this is Special
Agent Marjorie Palmiotti.
- Oh, hello.
- Hello, ma'am.
- Agent?
- Palmiotti.
- Palmiotti, okay. Welcome aboard.
- Thank you.
Ma'am, a key requirement
for being lead agent
is someone who looks like the
president, especially from behind,
to provide an additional decoy
target for any would-be assailants.
I'm a perfect match from behind.
Um, okay, I'll tell you something.
I am not quite seeing it,
um, only because I'm...
well, you are...
Ma'am?
It's just... would you mind
just giving us a second,
Agent Palmi... thank you.
Keith, are you really not
seeing what it is I'm seeing?
- No, ma'am.
- Gary, can you help me out here?
She smells completely
different, so, you know...
- That is not what... it's not...
- (KNOCKS)
Excuse me, ma'am, if you... I'm sorry.
- What?
- You've got to see this, ma'am.
- Pleasure to meet you.
- Pleasure to meet you, ma'am.
Oh, shit.
The big story at this moment... Nevada.
With all the votes now tallied,
Senator Bill O'Brien's lead
over President Selina Meyer
is now less than half a percent,
which by Nevada state law
would allow for a possible recount.
If President Meyer
were to win a recount,
she wins Nevada's six electoral votes
- and therefore the presidency.
- Oh!
- All the networks have it.
- "New York Times" as well.
- Oh, my God! Oh, wait.
- (LAUGHING)
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a
minute. Is this really happening?
I mean, do we actually
have a chance at Nevada?
- "Nev-add-a."
- Oh, my God.
I get to be president. I don't
have to move. What do we do?
Ma'am, we need to be sure
that when we get on...
No, shut up, Kent. You already
lost Nevada for me once.
- "Nev-add-a."
- Ben, what do we do?
Uh, we need to get ahold of our
people in Nevada. Don't. Don't.
RICHARD: The vast majority of
Nevada voting is done by machine.
Once the Nevada Secretary of
State certifies the count,
we'll then have 72 hours
to request a recount.
At that point, 5% of the
precincts will be selected,
and if there's a discrepancy
of more than 1%,
a full hand recount will be requested.
I actually did my doctorate in
recount procedures in the West.
Excellent work, Richard.
Richard works for me.
You have a doctorate?
Two. Constitutional law
and veterinary medicine,
- which was my fallback.
- But you were getting my coffee.
Which is much harder 'cause you
have so many different moods.
Like a half-caff and a
full-caff, macchiato.
- "Ma-key-ato."
- Macchiato.
Okay, Richard, you are going
to be my recount specialist.
- Jonah, you're working for Richard.
- Wait, what?
Amy, you got to sort
all of this out, okay?
Ma'am, I really can't go to Nevada.
I'm not even really here.
Ma'am, O'Brien is calling a press conference
in an hour to discuss the recount.
I'm gonna talk in a half an hour, okay?
I got to say stuff before he says stuff.
- Listen, you got to write something up.
- I'm on it.
- Right now. Ooh, recount, recount.
- I'm on it.
Jonah, with me, please.
This is highly enriched
weapons-grade bullshit.
How dare she put you in charge of me?
It's an outrage is what it is.
It is an outrage, you know?
She's Uncle Dursley and she's got
the great wizard Harry Potter
living under the staircase.
Do you see that? But what happens
in the Harry Potter books?
He rises up and he
kills all the muggles.
I don't think that's what happens.
Actually, I'm sorry, that lumbar
support goes with this chair.
- GARY: Yeah, we're getting there.
- Okay, so what do you got?
Am I still standing in barefaced awe of
the majesty of our democratic system?
- Not exactly, ma'am. This time...
- (WATCH BEEPS)
- Oh, sorry.
- What?
Just hit 5,000 steps on my Fitbit.
- Okay, okay.
- This time, you're simply blessed.
Wow, I thought your last one
was flowery, vacuous nonsense.
This one is much worse. Excellent, Mike.
Gary, this is taking longer than it did
for them to paint my
fucking pool house.
We got to go.
- Good afternoon.
- Good afternoon.
Yes, oh, wow. Look at this full house.
When I think about this
great country of ours,
I have to count my blessings.
Earlier today as you'll remember,
I briefed you on the state
of affairs regarding...
It's looking a little worse.
Wherever you stand in the room,
it's still looking at you.
Since that time, we have
been doubly blessed
by new developments in
the state of Nevada.
And I am confident...
- (GARY GROANS)
- ...that all Americans,
including Senator O'Brien...
- Leave it. Leave it.
- (BLOWING) Come on.
It is my clear duty as president
to enforce the laws of this country
after a careful assessment
of what those laws actually mean.
(PHONES CHIMING)
I am also blessed to be your
candidate for president.
- What is this?
- Did it pop? Did it pop?
The Dow is dropping lower than
my balls on a hot summer day.
While the American people
may sometimes be...
BEN: It's the fucking pimple.
Zitzilla just stomped
all over Wall Street.
And in that, we are all blessed.
- Thank you.
- (REPORTERS CLAMORING)
So, how was that?
- Uh...
- REPORTER: The Dow has dropped 986...
Oh, suck my dick.
Panic from the recount
led to a huge sell-off
and the market is so
overmargined, blammo.
They're already calling
it Black Wednesday.
Jesus, it's only Wednesday?
And O'Brien just issued a statement.
He says, "The market crash caused
a blotch on the face of America."
Is that about my pimple?
Well, I don't think it helped.
- Gary.
- Yeah?
- I want to see a doctor.
- Okay, I just don't think...
You did this, okay? All that
heat made it grow bigger.
You baked a fucking soufflé on my face.
Madam President. Howzit going?
(CHUCKLES)
Did he just say zit?
How come no one ever tries to
assassinate a vice president?
SELINA: Okay, so what are we
going to do about the economy?
Why don't we appoint an economy czar for
a start? That seems like something.
Like an empty cop car they park on the
side of the road to slow speeders.
Those cars are empty?
- Okay, you've got to sit down.
- Yes, ma'am.
Guys, it might be time to move
up the symposium on race.
BEN: I'm on it, ma'am,
like brown on rice.
Ma'am, Tom James just gave an interview
to the Bumfuck "Plain Dealer"
where he says, and I quote, "I just
want to make sure they're recounting
all the absentee ballots of our men
and women bravely serving overseas."
It's up on AP, too.
What is he doing? He knows
that the military hates me.
There are only bound to be
more votes for O'Brien.
We need less of those and
more votes for you, ma'am.
You think?
No, what we have to do is
hang a bell on this guy.
He's completely off book.
No, ma'am, I think that means
that he's learned all his lines
and he no longer needs a script.
- No, he's off book.
- Off the hook?
No, he's... God, he's
deviating from the book
of the things that he should do.
- You mean off the rails.
- Oh.
Fine, he's off the rails.
Well, let's make Tom economy czar.
Yeah.
We'll czar him. That'll
give him something to do.
All right, we're gonna start with that.
Amy, Amy, I just need to
talk to you for one second.
I've got a very big question.
I can't go to Nevada. I'm sorry.
I have thought about this a lot.
What do you think of Candi Caruso
to head up Nevada for me?
Oh, yeah.
I hear just excellent things about her.
- "Harvard Law Review."
- Right.
She clerked for Justice Tenny.
- "Politico" 's 30 under 30.
- That's right.
She's still under 30.
She looks older, but...
- You like her? Yeah.
- Yes.
I mean, if you want a super smart woman
who's young and brilliant, then why not?
Yeah, I really want that.
I really do.
Look, regardless of the recount, this
could mean big things for zucchini.
Yeah, good. We'll talk later. Bye.
Hey, Danny boy. Saw
you on TV last night.
- Nicely done.
- Yeah. Thank you.
That's actually what I
wanted to talk to you about.
- Uh-huh.
- See, I need to make some changes.
Can you just let me hold
on one quick second?
- Yeah.
- Shoot off this text. Sorry, go ahead.
- You were saying?
- I was.
I was saying that I really
enjoyed my time here.
- Oh, good.
- And I've learned so much from you.
- That's good to hear.
- (PHONE BUZZES)
- Sorry about that.
- Go ahead, take that.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- It's from you?
- Is it?
- I'm fired?
- Yes, get out.
We are doubling down on O'Brien,
so you're basically as useless
to me as a 40-year-old woman.
- Okay, well...
- (PHONE CHIMES)
Oh, interesting. Getting
something back from you.
Oh, "You can't fire me, I quib."
- (LAUGHS)
- You know it's supposed to say quit.
Well, I just fired you anyway.
You can't quib, you rebard.
Ma'am, someone opened a Twitter
account for the pimple.
- What?
- It's called POTUS.
- Pimple of the United States.
- Okay.
There are 220,000 followers
as of five minutes ago.
How many Twitter followers do I have?
Approaching that.
Is there anything not fucked up
that you can tell me right now?
Well, the symposium on race is
all set for this afternoon.
Oh, good. Well, that'll be a hoot.
Oh, czar she blows.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
...with the press on Sundays.
- Hey, Tom. Excuse me.
- Madam President.
- How are you?
- I am good.
- So you're up to speed on Nevada?
- Uh-huh.
- And the markets now.
- I saw that.
My God. Which brings me to my point.
Um, I would like to
officially offer you...
No, no, no, no.
- ...the position of economy czar.
- Nope, nope, nope.
Thank you, but no.
Why not? You would be in
charge of the economic crisis.
No, I would be blamed for
the economic crisis.
Tom, stop it. You wanted
to be Treasury Secretary.
Remember? I don't see how this
is any different than that.
Well, respectfully, Madam
President, I hope you do
because if the President
of the United States
can't tell the difference
between Treasury Secretary
and stock market patsy,
that's pretty disturbing.
Then you accept?
Madam President, it is a huge honor,
but I have to balance that
against my need not to do it.
Tom, I'm asking you
as the President of the United States.
And, respectfully, I am declining.
I'm not picking up any respect.
But you're getting the declining?
Do you know what Candi
Caruso's real name is?
It's Candice. And she changed
it to Candi with an I.
If she does that to
her own goddamn name,
how the hell is she going to
handle a potential recount?
Good morning, Amy. This is
the president's schedule,
which, incidentally, Ms.
Caruso is on right now.
- AMY: Oh, I'm aware.
- Oh, good morning, ma'am.
- Good morning.
- Hey, ma'am...
Okay, I see you. You
stay away from my face.
I hear you, but this is a family
recipe from my aunts in Savannah
and they swear by it for
skin problems and migraines.
Mm-hmm.
Chickpea based, Tabasco,
with just a dash...
All you're doing right
now is making me hungry.
So why don't you do
something about that?
Sure, sure.
- Snack.
- Uh-huh, yeah.
Amy, did you need me for anything?
- No. I'm just chilling.
- No? Mmm.
I think the most important
thing in terms of strategy
is controlling the narrative.
Oh, I have a saying. If you're
explaining, you're losing.
Absolutely. I'm right on board with you.
- Excuse me, Madam President.
- Amy.
Have... have you met Candi?
Hi, it's Candi with an I.
Amy with a Y. Which is correct.
We are right in the
middle of an interview
with an exceptionally wonderful
candidate for coordinating Nevada.
Ma'am, it's just gonna take a second.
- Apologies. I'll be right back.
- Absolutely.
- I got you a snack.
- Oh, yeah, give me that.
That's a great dress.
Oh, thank you.
- Size two?
- Um...
Ms. Caruso, the president
sends her apologies,
but the position has been filled.
- Ooh.
- Right this way.
Okay.
And if I need more clothes, then
I'll have you or Mom send them.
Yeah, fine, bye. Richard.
- What's this?
- You know Jonah. He works for me.
In fact, you two used to date,
but you never got over him.
Not Jonah. Why is baby
with a beard here?
Oh, good, you remember Cliff.
He works for me now.
I recruited him from Justice.
The first of many appointments
I intend to make.
Here, Richard, we need recount
lawyers in each county
and we need housing for
all the volunteers.
Could you take care of this, Jonah?
Cliff, my plate is just full of shit right
now and I'd like for you to clean that.
You know what? I'll do it. Yeah.
- I love talking to people anyway.
- Get out.
Out. Take that cushion with you.
That is disgusting.
Actually, it goes with the seat,
so it should probably stay.
- Madam President!
- (PEOPLE SHOUTING)
I can't understand a word.
This afternoon I asked Tom James
to serve as economy czar
and to my delight, he said yes.
- Madam President!
- (ALL SHOUTING)
Senator James' selflessness
is an inspiration to us all.
Whatever useless, vain, vapid thing
you're doing right now, drop it.
Well, I am enjoying a delicious sandwich
made even more delicious by the fact that
there's a homeless guy watching me eat it.
AMY: I need you to get on this
plane to Nevada with me today.
Been there, got fucked by that.
Cut the shit. You just got fired.
- Purcell's told everyone in town.
- That fucker!
Right now you're about as toxic
as a urinal cake in Chernobyl
and I am offering you a job.
You have exactly zero seconds to decide.
You know, Candi Caruso
would have asked me nicer.
Sue, the president's
remarks for the symposium.
And... (POPS MOUTH) caught you.
18,000 steps. I am Chinese baby ready.
Oh, my God. Mike, when are the
auditions for "Music Man"?
- (CHUCKLES)
- So how many flights, Mike?
- What do you mean flights?
- As in flights of stairs.
Burns way more calories. I
am at 22 flights today.
How... stairs?
The things you walk up and down.
Hi, Sue. Is she busy?
Oh, wow, never mind.
- Oh, looky, looky.
- How could you do this?
- What?
- I gave you my decision.
- Oh, suck it.
- Excuse me?
Yeah, you heard me. I LBJ'd you, okay?
I'm the LBJ queen
and you are Sargent "Suck It" Shriver.
And now you have to excuse me,
because this pimple isn't
getting any smaller.
Kind of like the national debt.
(CHUCKLES)
Hey, Sue, is Dr. Abernethy here?
- Yes.
- Okay, send him in, please.
- Do you mind? Hi there, Doctor.
- Madam President.
You know Senator James.
He's our new economy czar.
- Oh, congratulations, sir.
- Thank you.
Prosperity is just around the corner.
- Oh, good. Good, good.
- How may I help you?
Well, you can get rid of this
Skittle that's embedded in my face.
She's also got a mole near her
Spanx line and it's hidden...
Yeah, and this thing up my ass
has got to get removed, too.
- How are you, Gary?
- Fine. You?
- Oh, yeah. That is really deep.
- See?
What have you been doing?
- Just putting heat on it.
- Well, hot heat.
That's the last thing
you want to be doing.
- SELINA: Okay.
- It wasn't that hot.
Small cortisone shot
should take care of it.
- Uh, excuse me, ma'am.
- SELINA: Oh, yeah, come in.
We have to go over your opening
statement for the symposium.
- Sure.
- KENT: Also, ma'am,
catastrophic mudslides in Idaho.
The governor is requesting a
federal state of emergency.
- This should be cleared up in 24 hours.
- Okay.
Just keep your skin free of
all irritants for a few days.
- Ma'am, he said no irritants.
- You're an irritant.
How much did we lose Idaho by?
- Shellacked.
- Uh, well over 212,000 votes.
Then I declare a state
of go fuck yourself.
I'm not spending money to scrape
mud off a bunch of dirt roads.
- You're not from Idaho, are you, Doctor?
- No, ma'am.
I don't mean this to sound insensitive,
but don't you think that mudslides
are the funniest kind
of natural disasters?
I've always been partial to sinkholes.
You know, ah!
- (LAUGHS) Those are hilarious.
- KENT: Nature's trapdoor.
Ma'am, makeup is an irritant
and we really need that.
- Makeup is not an irritant.
- Actually, ma'am, yes, it is.
Let's avoid any makeup on the
facial area for at least 48 hours.
- You're gonna feel a small...
- Oh, no, we're not gonna do this.
- But thanks for coming.
- Yes, ma'am.
I'll show you out.
SELINA: We need to take a peek at this.
- KENT: Thank you, Doc.
- Cold compress, Gary.
Whatever.
I mean...
Yeah, took the words
right out of my mouth.
- Right?
- Yeah.
- Ma'am?
- Hmm?
Oh, Ben, were we able to get Dr.
Weisglass here today?
Absolutely, ma'am.
Okay. Oh, good, Catherine.
You're documenting this.
Okay, welcome to the First
Annual Towards a New Promise...
Mom, don't look into the camera.
- Just pretend I'm not here.
- But you are here.
Yeah, but that's the point of a
documentary film is that you're...
Okay, I don't understand what this
project is at all. I don't get it.
Catherine, why is that your hair?
BEN: They're ready for you, ma'am.
(PANTING)
(CHUCKLES)
(GASPS) There he is.
Dr. Weisglass.
Pleasure to see you
again, Madam President.
I'm so pleased you were able to make it.
And I'm really excited to start
this conversation today.
- Yes, ma'am.
- Sam O'Keefe, also Harvard.
I think what we're gonna
talk about today is hard,
but I think it's going to be
worth it, don't you agree?
- I agree, yes. Thank you.
- Good, good.
Madam President, Elisa Burke,
cochair of African-American
Studies at Howard.
- Oh, Ms. Burke, is it?
- Yes.
Great. Well, every
difficult conversation
starts with a sentence.
What the fuck is going on here?
Why are they all white?
Looks like the NHL All-Star Weekend.
Okay. Hello.
Franklin Washington,
Morehouse University.
Now, Morehouse University
is historically an
African-American university.
- Historically.
- Okay.
We need to round up
some blacks and fast.
- We need to round up...
- Don't say it over the radio, asshole.
Richard! Oh, thank God.
Go get Sue. We need her now.
- Right now.
- Yeah.
Folks, I look around here today
and I see a rainbow of faces, you know?
Faces from the savannahs of Africa
to the cities and towns of England.
Faces from... from Holland
and even perhaps Norway.
(GASPING)
(COUGHS)
In your fucking face, Sue.
- (ALARM BLARING)
- Fuck!
Everyone remain calm.
We're in total lockdown
- while we search the premises.
- We got her.
- (CROWD GASPS)
- Freeze! Put your hands up!
Whoa, whoa! I work here.
- Huh? What happened?
- SUE: Ma'am?
Mr. McLintock, why are there so few
people of color in the Meyer White House?
Mike, does President Meyer
care about black people?
Just moments ago, Bill Ericsson,
former Director of White
House Communications,
was arrested at his Kalorama home
and taken into federal custody.
Due to the seriousness of the crimes
and despite rumors to the contrary,
a pardon is not on the table.
Regrettably, he was also
responsible for the chaos
that occurred at the
symposium on race today.
- Thank you. That's all for now.
- (REPORTERS CLAMORING)
Once again, our top story tonight,
disgraced presidential aide Bill
Ericsson goes into federal custody.
This is a strong move by the president,
who was under fire for a
disastrous symposium on race
that left some wondering if she had
any control over her administration.
- (REPORTERS CLAMORING)
- BILL: No comment!
Wow, he looks puffy on TV.
Well, prison will get him in shape.
Okay, now I've just got to blow
for, like, five minutes, all right?
HART: When we come back, a
wild day on Wall Street.
And we'll go live to Nevada
where armies of staffers
and volunteers for the Meyer
and O'Brien campaigns
are descending on the desert to
monitor and manage the recount.
If you do not have a
reservation, we are sold out.
There are no more rooms at this hotel.
Richard, have your people check us in.
We're going to the lounge.
Jonah, take care of that.
Cliff, would...
Cliff?
Cliff?
Excuse me, are you in line?
Does anybody know where the line ends?