Veep (2012–…): Season 4, Episode 10 - Election Night - full transcript

Selina and her staff find their nerves growing frayed as each state result is called.


East Coast polls are closing, ma'am.



History is calling.

And it won't go to voice mail.


Hey. You okay, ma'am?

I'd love one, Gary. Thank you.

Okay, I'll get... I'll get you one.

Well, I've asked America
if she wants me to be her president.

Now, she's gonna give us her answer.

America doesn't just love you, ma'am,
she is in love with you.


MIKE: We've lost Kentucky!

So I assume you reached out
to the O'Brien camp.

Taking a meeting with Charlotte or with Kim?

No, I haven't contacted the O'Brien team.

Amy, if he wins, our lobbying stock
is gonna droop like a chimp's tits.

We're not gonna be the golden kids anymore.

We've got to stay on his radar.

But we need to be in with her, too.

- She might win.
- Yeah.

Well, on-air, I'm gonna keep in with her.

Off-air, I'm telling the Nazis
that she's hiding in the attic.


- Hi.
- Hey, so...

We have Sally Davenport with us, of course.

We've also got Matty Curtis.

- Wow.
- Love that guy.

The online-statistics savant.

Yeah, in the midterms, he predicted
the margin in every Senate seat.

So, suck it, Fox.


So we doing this or what?

Hey, well, thank God you're here.

No one else here knows how tonight will go.

- Have fun. Okay.
- Yeah, we'll see you out there.

- So, closest election in living memory.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Hope you guys are prepared.

- We will do our best.
- Well, we're gonna need better than that.

- Okay.
-l'm kidding. I'm just kidding.

But you better be good.

MAN: Sorry, guys,
we need this area to be clear.

Hey, wait, it's the testicle man.

Guilty as charged.
Check 'em, don't neglect 'em.

This whole scrotum situation
is really working out for you, sir.

That hearing was terrible,
but it really got my face out there, you know?

You're the face of workplace bullying
and genital health.

Look at this. Mike wants me up
in the presidential suite

to get a one-on-one thank you
from the President.

- How do I look? Thanks.
- Great.

No, no, no. One-on-one.

Oh, yeah, okay.

Oh, man, election nights are my cocaine.

It used to be election nights and cocaine
were my cocaine, but...

If Fox says it's close, then it must be.

- Then again, they said the Rapture was close.
- Anything yet?

Indiana and South Carolina
just called for O'Brien.

Yeah, Vermont and Connecticut,
yup, they're for us.

Yeah, Vermont! Yeah, Connecticut!

Okay, settle down.
A bowl of hair could win those states.

- Ma'am, you have a moment for Jonah?
- Jonah. Yeah.

I want to thank you for your work
on men's health

and talking about that bullying
that you had to endure.

- Thank you, ma'am. It was my honor...
- You know what?

I need to thank Vermont.

Yeah, that's it, Jonah. It's been a busy night.

What was that? I got, like, four seconds.

Well, most people get just two.

- Projections for Wisconsin, ma'am.
- Great.

I haven't read them yet.
I'm saving that for when I go to prison.

Even money, they give you the chair.

No one came out of the hearings
unscathed, Bill.

I had to ditch my fiancé.

I'll be thinking about that
while I'm with whichever guy

-makes me his prison fiancé.
- Ew.

Oh, Gary, I asked a friend to come
and be with me tonight.

- How nice.
- Yeah, Karen.

- Fuck!
- What?


Senator O'Brien has 33 electoral votes
based on our projection.

President Meyer has 10.

Is this significant, Dan?

I think it's far, far too early to tell at this point.

- I mean, the election really is...
- Very significant.

Uncertainty in battleground states
is bleeding into other areas.

It's the suburbs that
are gonna decide this contest.

Well, Amy, Dan, who do you feel
will win tonight?

- It's so close.
- So close.

- It's a tough call to make at this point.
- Mmm-hmm.

And not just for us, Greg, but for America.

That was transcendent bullshitting.

Well, I'll tell you one thing.
If I do lose, I'm gonna lose like a winner.

- You're not gonna lose, okay?
- Right. Right.

You're gonna win in a slide.

You know, marginally.

Oh, my God, look who's here!

- Hi, it's Karen.
-lt's Karen.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Everybody, Karen.

Hi, Tom. Karen.
Yeah, we met at the convention.


Tell me how you're doing.

Well, I'm trying to stay positive.

We lost Oklahoma.

Which we were expected to, so...

It's only seven votes.

These damn hotel carpets.
I keep getting that static-electric shock.

You need one of those ionic
bracelets that grounds you.

Good call.

It's the prison toilet situation
which preys on one's mind.

Defecating in full view
of another man is unthinkable.

Forgive me, Bill, but I don't wish
to ever discuss this.

Yeah, Bill, put a cork in it, will you?

You know, that actually may help.

Hey, listen, how much did you
pay your lawyers?

Because I lawyered up for the hearings
and they charged me 15 grand,

and they only said words, you know?

Shh! There's a call coming.

He's like a Native American tracker.
He can hear it in the wind.

Senator O'Brien is the predicted victor
in the great state of Minnesota

-with 10 electoral votes.
- Oh, fuck!

- I thought that was ours.
- I thought we had it.

I wasn't entirely sure.


- Shit.
- If you'll excuse me for one second?

I'm not saying we will, because we won't,
but if we do lose,

and you're an outgoing president,
you could...

- I could pardon you?
- Yes.

That wouldn't look good.
You'd be the first person to say that.

I'm not entirely sure
I would in this circumstance.

- If... If there's any way...
- Hey, Bill,

I got a lot on the line
with my presidency right now,

so I don't really have time to be thinking
about your whatever the fuck it is.

- Probable imprisonment.
- Exactly.

- Thank you, ma'am.
- You're welcome.

WOMAN: What will you do if O'Brien wins?

Set up an office with Selina
at the Betty Ford Clinic?

No, I've applied for a job outside.

Politics bores me.

It bores the living hell out of me.

God, it's boring.

Amy looks off her game, distracted.

I only really know Amy
as the woman who rushed everywhere,

clutching her phone
like it contained her frozen embryos.

She's a workaholic.

Works frantically to avoid dealing with

her weird mix of lack of self-worth
and narcissism.

I really like her.

Uh, Ma'am, I don't mean to be
the bearer of bad news, but...

Called Wisconsin.
Projected as an O'Brien win.

That was the bad news,
which, in the end, I didn't bear.

Well, this is certainly something
not many people saw coming.

For me, it's the domino that signals
an O'Brien victory tonight.

This is a big, big win for O'Brien,

and I think the Meyer team
is gonna be feeling that.

The... The bigness.


Amy, is the race already slipping away
from your former boss?

No. No.


A lot of the polls have not closed yet.

So, no. No, you know, it's no.

I think O'Brien's gonna win this election.

O'Brien can't be president.

He's still contracted to be the KFC logo.

You're gonna win this, ma'am.

- I don't know.
- Oh, you are.

You think you would have won?

What do you mean?

If you had been the candidate,
you think you would have won?

'Cause that's the speculation, you know.

What do you think, Karen?

About something specific, or...

Should the President
and I have swapped roles?


For the election. This election.
There's an election going on.

Oh, Well... (SCOFFS)

Well, you're asking me
a hypothetical question,

and I need to answer it as best I can.

Okay, well, you just did.

Great. (LAUGHS)

Amy, I saw your instability on TV.

Call me when you get this.

Get someone else to dial
if you're in a straightjacket.

Hey, I'm sending some of our data to O'Brien.

If he wins this thing, I need to kiss his ass.

Mmm-hmm. I'm going. I have to go.

What? No, you can't do that.

Yeah, no, I have to see this
play out with Selina.

I've spent a third of my life
leading up to this night, so...



I have to go.

- You have to go?
- Yeah.

What does that mean?
This is not summer camp.

Well, I just feel that I'm needed elsewhere.

Oh, well, then, please go.

Some of our viewers were complaining
that you're shrill anyway, so...

Shrill? No, no, no, I'm never shrill.
And that's...

(STAMMERS) And you're acting as though
I'm sounding shrill right now?

Yeah, yeah, keep making that face
implying that I'm shrill.

Hey, could someone check the parking lot?
I think all the alarms are going off.

Sorry for your loss, ma'am.

- I mean, about Wisconsin, not a person...
- I know... Ow!


I forgot. I have incompatible shoes
with the rug.

- God.
-l'm so sorry.

We don't have a lot of good news
for President Meyer.

Screw this whole sloppy,
backseat blowjob of a night anyway.

I don't give a shit.

- Hang on.
- Hang on what?

The Wisconsin call has been rescinded.

You mean they went back on the call?

Yes, hence my saying that they had.

"Rescinded" is actually not a word
that's immediately clear.

- This is a 360-degree turn.
-lt's 180.

"Rescinded" is my new favorite word!

We are back in the game. Back from the dead.

Zombies, bottom of the ninth.

Ma'am, listen to this.

Fox just called Colorado for you.

- No! No!
- Oh, my God!


Stand back, Meyer is on fire!

Look, look. Mom, CNN has it, too.

It appears that Matty's domino
is standing up straight again.

Obviously, this is a shock

-and needs some unpacking.
- Mmm-hmm.

Oh, yeah, you better unpack it.

"Let's see if we can unpack this now."

"I've got pubic hair on my head."


The models are only as good as the data
that you put into them,

and the data comes from
the polling companies.

So maybe we should talk to them
about what went wrong...

- Your website is shit.
- Honest to God. Shit.

- It's shit.
- Go back to The Shire,

-you fucking moonfaced hobbit.
- Yeah.

You know, ma'am, can we talk privately?

Oh, sure, yeah.

- I’d like to think that...
- Yeah.

...l have been some use to the campaign.

You've been great.
I mean, you know, everyone's like,

(GASPS) "Tom James. Ooh, it's Tom James.

"He's so dreamy. Sign my tits, Tom James."


But anyway, so... But you were saying?

Madam President, I don't want to be impotent.

I... I don't really...

-ln your administration.
- Oh, right!

I have had this very conversation.

You wanna be first in,
last out of cabinet meetings.

- No, I want to be...
- You want...

...Treasury Secretary.

- What?
- As well as Veep.

You wanna run my economy?

Bank of Tom James.

I am bitterly disappointed...

- With respect... With respect...
-...that you...

This administration was coming apart
at the seams during those hearings,

and I used six rolls of Magic Tape
to stick it back together.

Anything else you want to ask for?

Want your face on money or something?

Want that TV? Take it.

MAN: (ON RADIO) ...coming in, a low voter
turnout in Broward County. We're now...

(SINGING) It's a low turnout
in Broward County tonight

Low turnout in Broward County tonight

- Sing with me.
- No.

What's this... This job you've applied for?

It's a big food corporation.
United Seasonings.

They supply 90% of the country's paprika.

Yup, we lobby for them,

so my hands are dirty with paprika money.

I'll mention how good you are to them.

- No need, they already know.
- That's right.

This election is too close to call...

(SINGING) Too close to call,
too close to call

It's too close, baby, yeah, too close...

It's unbelievable. It's still impossible to call.

I've known sailors less likely
to go either way than this.

I... Pardon my ribaldry.

Hey, Illinois is still ours, isn't it?

- Yes. And Iowa called for O'Brien.
- Fuck Iowa.

I'd say nuke it,
but I think someone already did.

Pennsylvania's too close to call.
Florida's too close to call.

You might gather the general trend is that
it's too close to call.

The congressional results are similarly tight.


Okay, you don't need
to shake that bag, all right?

Try chewing with your mouth closed.
See if that works.

All right, they're saying we're gonna get

a clearer picture of this whole thing
in about an hour.

SELINA: God, I am so tense.

I could crack a walnut in my ass.

- Right, Mom, come with me.
- What?

Just get out of here
until this picture becomes clearer.

Maybe have some mother-daughter time?




Everybody, give it up for Band of the Horses.

Wait, what?

Band... I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Give it up for Band of Horses.
Band of Horses.

I just wanna say thank you
for supporting the men's health campaign

and letting me tell guys that
they should feel themselves up.


Easiest job I ever had.


You guys remember my... You guys remember
my catchphrase, right? Remember it?

Just to jog your memories, remember,
"Check 'em, don't neglect 'em."

ALL: Check 'em, don't neglect 'em.

Nice. You guys remember The A-Team, right?

A-Team? "I'm the A-Team." Mr. T.

Um... Uh...

They were... They were supposed
to be on the run,

but, you know,
they were in a really distinctive van.

(STAMMERS) Yeah, what was up...
What was up with that?

Feeling kind of Zen-ish, you know?

I realize that there's nothing more I can do,
things are out of my control,

and I just have to let the tension go.


Get the fuck out of here, Kent.


I'm sorry about you and Jason.

I know that my job can be hard on you,

and that was a bit of a bummer, huh?

- Yeah, just a little bit.
- Yeah.

But like you said,
I can't be married to a lobbyist, so...

Yeah, and he was, like, 60.

He was 35.

How did he take it?

It's hard to tell.
He's not really big on emotions.


You know, Catherine,

men are horrible.


I mean, I have to just
tell it to you like it is, honey.

But all men are awful.

Really. And the key is to just find a man
who's the least horrible.

Okay, Mom.


Look at that photo of you and me.

You look like me in that picture.

No. No. Uh-uh. Not at all.

- Yeah, a little bit...
- No. Uh-uh.

- Oh.
- Oh.

There's Daddy.

- Horrible.
- Mom.

Okay, I'm back. How long was I gone?

About 20 minutes.

Is that it? God, it always seems
longer with Catherine.

All right, so what's my destiny here?

Still unfathomable.

Why can't the American people
make up their minds?

I mean, how hard is it to decide
between two candidates? (LAUGHS)

- For fuck's sake.
- Amy.

- Hey, Sue. Amy, nice to see you.
- Hi.

I've got to get a little space
between Karen's mouth and my ears.

I'm gonna hit the soda machine.
Anybody want anything?

Just something with real sugar.
No sweeteners, or I'll shit my pants.

- Welcome back.
- Thank you.



Hello, ma'am.

Wow. TV's Amy Brookheimer.

I felt that I needed to be here, ma'am.

We went through so much together
getting you here, so...

Pennsylvania results are about to come in.
They're about to call this.

So how is it...

Pennsylvania called for O'Brien.
- Oh!

No way!

I said we should have gone back there.

And you were right. Why did you ever resign?

It's hard to understand.

I think Pennsylvania
is the real significant call tonight.

Pennsylvania, you had that as a Meyer win,
is that right, Matty?

(STUTTERING) Yeah... Yes. That's...

Yes, we did.

Can't predict everything all the time, can you?
Even though that is your job.

GREG: ls this the end for
President Meyer, Dan?

Well, I would not be surprised
if the President were thinking

about calling Senator O'Brien very soon
to concede this election.

What do experts know?

Got O'Brien, 267. Us, 207.

If those are right,
it looks like he's got the election.

These are projections.
These are not real results. They're ghosts.

You can't... You can't concede.

I know you want to,
but you really, really shouldn't.



I'm gonna concede.


I don't see any point in dragging this on.

And I'd like to have
a little bit of dignity in defeat.


I'm gonna call O'Brien.

This fucking job sucks anyway.

Please don't electrocute me.


The next voice you hear will be the President.

- Bill?
- A fascinating night, ma 'am.

Were you calling me for
a particular reason, Madam President?

I wanted to just start by thanking you
for conducting a very dignified...


- Yeah, Mike, Selina's conceding,

so forget about the soda
and just grab a crate of whiskey.



I know.

Time to turn that noose
back into a necktie, buddy.

I got something you're gonna want to hear.

Dan, there's nothing useful you can tell me.

Pennsylvania was the wrong call.
We think it's gonna go Selina.

Look, I have no idea how...

No! Don't! Don't! Stop the concession!

SELINA: So, Bill, I feel now
is the time to call you,

- Ma'am, don't. Don't.


Also, another thing I'd like to just mention,

how's it going?

How's it going?

You and I are the only ones sort of going
through the same thing and I just...

Ma'am, forgive rne for being direct,
but you're not conceding?

No. I don't know why you would even
imagine that I would be doing that, Bill.

GREG: people of Pennsylvania
go to Selina Meyer.

Yeah, I don't know if you've seen this, Bill,

but they seem to have
called Pennsylvania for me.

Yes, I heard that.

I wonder if there's anything that
you would like to say to rne right now.

I'm taking the White House.
Please leave the hot tub on.

I don't think so, my friend.


Sir, the crowd is getting restless.
The band has stopped playing.

I've given them my best material,
and we don't know what to do.

We need to give them a hit of political meth.

I think we should send out Tom James.

Ma'am, would you consider allowing Tom
to go out on the rally stage?

What? Well, let's see. First of all, no.

And then the other thing
I really wanted to say was no.

I'm hearing a no.

Jonah, sorry, the answer is...

Oh, hello.

- What? What is it?
- Holy mother of moly.

Ma'am, Fox is calling
Washington State for us.

-(GASPS) No!

- They called Ohio.
- Oh, my God, that's amazing!

- BEN: Ohio?
- No, for O'Brien. I should have said.

- Oh, my God.
- ABC is saying it's still too close to call.

- Yeah.
- No, they're calling it now.

- O'Brien.
- Shit!

Fox again and POLITICO.

New Hampshire to O'Brien and Ohio.

Yes, we took Florida!

SELINA: We did not!
BEN: Twenty-nine.

- That is extraordinary.
- Yes.

- What is my number now, Kent?
- Okay, one second.

- You're two... You're...
- What?

Yeah, you're 256.

- Kent, where does that leave us?
- Okay, it all comes down to Virginia.

If O'Brien gets Virginia, he wins.

- However, if we get Virginia...
- We win!

No, actually, Gary, if we get it, we tie.


What? I don't follow these things that closely,
but that's right, isn't it, Mr. Davison?


- Tie, like it's a tie? You mean, we tie?
- Mmm-hmm.

You do.

The real shock, Greg,

ls where this leaves us.

Neck and neck if the President takes Virginia.

Matty, you'll forgive me if I sideline you here.

- Dan...
- Sure. know the President well.

What is going on in that Meyer hotel suite
right this second?

The President has a lot of top minds
working on her campaign.

They're gonna be all over this.

What happens when there's a tie?

Everybody goes online to try to find out
what happens if we get a tie.

Way ahead of you.

Shit, I'm just getting how to tie a tie.

Is there a book? Like an old-fashioned...
Like a paper book?

Jesus Christ, you know?

You do your best.
You try to serve the people,

-and then they just fuck you over.
- Yeah.

And you know why? Because they're ignorant
and they're dumb as shit.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is democracy.

God damn it.

It's the Twelfth Amendment.

- I have Twentieth Amendment. Yeah.
- Why are there so many amendments?

Get it right the first time, people.

It's actually both.
Twelfth is superseded by the Twentieth.

They give the House until January 20th
to elect the president.

Each state gets one vote.
First candidate to 26 is the new president

and the Senate chooses the VP.

It's a close election
with a ton of House races too close to call.

- What happens if it's a tie in the House?
- Right.

Is it a dance-off?

Well, vice president-elect becomes president.

Whoever the Senate has picked for VP
will be president.

- Wait, that means...
- That Tom...

- What?
-...could be the president.

Well, l... I had literally no idea.

I mean, it's good to be prepared.

So... Wait. So you mean that I...

I might lose this election
to my fucking vice president?

At least it'd be somebody
from our team, ma'am.

I mean, that's good, right?


I didn't mean to make her cry.

There, there.

It's gonna be okay.

- She's going down.
- She's going down.

Don't touch her.



Sir, I'm sorry to contact you directly,
but the crowd is drooling for you.

Yup, floor is wet out here.

Okay, great. Thank you.

ALL: (CHANTING) Tom James!
Tom James! Tom James...

I'm gonna go rally the rally.

With all due respect,

you need to get your shit together now, lady.

Ma'am up. You're still the leader
of the free world.


Where's Tom?

Oh, uh...

He's gone to talk to the crowd at the rally.

- What?
- The fuck he has.

Why would you let him do that?

Well, you don't work here.

Well, neither do you.

All right, fuck all of you. I'm going to the rally.

Ma'am, ma'am, that would be unprecedented.

No, I'll tell you what's unprecedented, Kent.

A tie is unprecedented.

So is becoming the first lady president.

So is that jackoff becoming president
through the back door.

Okay? The rule book's been torn up now
and America is wiping its nasty ass with it!

Get the fuck out of my way!

BEN: Ma'am! Ma'am!

Let's go.

ALL: (CHANTING) Tom James!
Tom James! Tom James!


Thank you.

Okay, I admit, this isn't boring.

Why make the total of electoral votes
an even number?


Listen, I know this is a long night.

You're tired and you're cold
and your legs ache

and you need the bathroom.

Boy, do you need the bathroom.

That fucking guy.

With his fucking charm and his fucking son

and his fucking wheelchair
with his spine all fucked up.

My grandmother survived the Dust Bowl.

And before she died at the age of 89,

she told me a secret
that she kept for almost 50 years.

The story concerns...

Ladies and gentlemen, Tom James.
How about it?


Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. Wow.

Do I know how to pick 'em? Yup.

Well, thank you so much for being here.
I know it's been a wait.

And we really do appreciate your presence.

What a night, right? It's the night of nights.


You know what I wanna do?

I want to introduce you
to the First Daughter of the United States,

my daughter, Catherine Selina Meyer.


Always a delight to have...

She is such a beautiful girl.
I'm so proud of her.

Well, we have another minute or so
before we're prepared to call Virginia.

Just checking a couple of precincts.

We've made some
premature calls this evening.

So we're anxious
to be absolutely certain this time.

Why don't we meet
some of the people who lift me up?

I'd like you to meet them.

Guys, come on out.
How about these great faces?

Incredible scenes. Never happened before.
Very emotional moment.

Dan, do you wish you were there?

I'm sure it's a very exciting place to be at.

- There's never been an election like this.
- No.

You must want to be there.

Folks, you don't know her,
but this is Karen Collins.

And she has been a friend of mine for a while.

Yup. And Amy Brookheimer is here.

Amy Brookheimer who
so successfully ran my campaign

until she became unwell.

I'll tell you somebody else
that is not here tonight

who was with the campaign...

Sounds like it could be you, Dan.

Well, I would be incredibly touched.

...and that is, of course, Leslie Kerr.

I'm sure Leslie is thanking you, too.

And I'm hearing we can now
project a Virginia result.

- Dan, what is that projection?
- Thank you, Greg.

CNN is prepared to make
the following projection,

that Virginia, with its 13 electoral votes,

is a win for President Meyer.

This election is a tie.

We did it!

We have one more hurdle to overcome.

And we shall overcome.

One more river to cross.

One more mountain to climb.

But I have been to the mountaintop.

Thank you.

- I don't know what to do.
- We don't do anything.

- You do what you have to do.
- Yeah, I'm getting drunk.

Hey, Dan, when you get this,
can you put in a good word for me with Greg?

I think that I need to keep my TV work going.

Okay, you're gonna win.
And if you don't, I'll kill myself.

Kent, what happens next?
You've got to know.

No, I'm afraid not. Some of these House races,
they're still too close to call.

What does that mean?

Well, presently, we cannot predict the result
of the vote in Congress on January 20.

- We're in a kind of purgatory.
- Welcome to my world.

- Can you stop thinking about yourself...
- Honestly.

...for one second?

No, because I'm going to prison.
Have I mentioned that?

- So what are we gonna do here?
- Should we drop the balloons?

- No, no balloons.
- Maybe just drop half of them?

- No!
- Why do we even have balloons?

Ma'am, I seriously overstepped the mark
going out onstage.

That was a fuck-up.

Yeah, I'll say.

You might wanna watch that
if you become president.

If that does happen, wanna be my Veep?


Why don't you go help them
with the balloons?

Copy that.