Veep (2012–…): Season 5, Episode 2 - Nev-AD-a - full transcript

Selina meets a billionaire banker. Mike has a new diet. Richard, Jonah, Amy and Dan lead the Nevada recount effort. Kent ponders Sue's age.

(PHONE CHIMING, BUZZING)

- Hello?
- SELINA: Okay, what's happening, Amy?

Morning, Madam President. It's 5:00 A.M.

- And Nevada is still asleep.
- Hello? What?

Well, wake it the fuck up 'cause
I'm wondering if we should remove

the Native American precincts
from the recount list.

I'm having reservations
about the reservations.

So figure that out and call me
right back. I'm at Walter Reed.

I'm meeting troops and
shaking God only knows what.

Okay. (EXHALES)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)



- sync and corrections by Caio -
- www.addic7ed.com -

(CHATTER)

These are from the
president's last set

of precinct changes for
the recount challenge?

Yes, and the changes before that
and the changes before that.

She's changed her mind more times than a
frickin' child molester at Disneyland.

You need to file this at the
courthouse in exactly 17 minutes.

Yeah, and if you miss
the deadline,

find a rattlesnake and shove
that up your dick hole

'cause it's a lot more fun
than what I'll do to you.

And drive safe.

BEN: We've got Hallowes, Bennett,

and Gabby Ramos doing
press in Carson City

and Maddox is flying in tonight.



Oh, God, Maddox is probably
going to study the effects

of legalized prostitution on his dick.

Catherine, out.

All right, so do we have any idea

what this O'Brien press
conference is about?

- No idea.
- Perfect.

We're working on our video
connection with Amy as we speak.

Well, maybe we can get some
six-year-old Asian kid to fix it.

- Mike, when's your baby coming?
- Coming soon, ma'am.

We're gonna name her
Ellen after Wendy's mom.

Actually, her stepmom. She
has a difficult relation...

misunderstood your level
of interest, sorry.

AMY: Hey, guys, watching
the press conference?

Yeah. Amy, just listen a bit
before you start talking.

- Our founding fathers...
- All right, here we go.

...entrusted the American people
with the right to choose...

I mean, will you look at Montez?

Seriously, I'm more
Hispanic than she is.

You know? Where's she
from, Santo Connecticut?

BEN: She summers in Vinyardo Del Martha.

Can Montez look less Hispanic?

Jesus, Amy, we already
covered that, okay?

She's from El New Hampshire. (LAUGHS)

...James Whitman to head
up our recount team.

- Jesus! They got James Whitman.
- This is not optimal.

Where I'm from a vote is a
vote, the law is the law,

- and the count is the count.
- He makes a lot of sense.

All right, so they've got a Secretary
of State and what do I have?

Harpo, Chico, and Shito.

- You know who we need?
- Who? Who do we need?

Bob Bradley, my old mentor.

- The Eagle.
- That'd be amazing.

Served in more administrations
than any man alive.

Also an accomplished ballroom dancer.

Okay, great, done. Let's get him.
Bob Bradley.

- He's our Whitman hit man.
- Madam President, excuse me.

I have the meeting with the
Nevada Secretary of State.

Oh, Amy, don't forget to
bring Richard with you.

Wait, really? Richard? He's...

Ma'am, the DOD wants us to know
that now the Chinese hackers

have breached White
House employee files.

Maybe they can find out what
some of these people are doing.

Ooh, tell me about it.

SUE: Oh, and you have
a drop-by at a brunch

to thank campaign volunteers.

To thank them for what?

This Olympic-size swimming pool of shit

that I'm doing the
backstroke in right now?

Not a good idea to cancel, ma'am.

Make Tom do it.

He loves all that fake smiley shit.

MIKE: Tom has his banking
task force today.

His what?

It's a veritable who's
who of Wall Street.

Well, that sounds a lot
sexier than my thing.

Tell Tom that I get dibs on that.

It's my presidential
banking task force now.

Well, Tom is not gonna
be happy about that.

Well, good. That's the way I like it.
Open the door.

The president will be
there shaking hands

and thanking some of the
volunteers for their hard work

at some point in the near future.

I'll get back.

- No breakfast for this guy.
- Who's offering?

You are looking at a guy on the
master cleanse. I feel amazing.

What in the lunatic fuck
is the master cleanse?

Sounds like Nazi domestic policy.

Little known fact about the Nazis...

their polling numbers within
Germany, through the roof.

Unbelievable numbers.
Though also tragic.

The Jewish demo couldn't
have been that good.

MIKE: Yep, I don't eat food anymore.

Just water, maple syrup,

lemon juice, and cayenne pepper.

Do you still take shits?

Not exactly take.

MAN: Welcome to Nevada.

Everybody settle in. Make
yourselves comfortable.

Members of the Meyer-James
and O'Brien-Montez campaign.

Let's talk ground rules.
According to Nevada law,

if the recount sample shows
a difference of 1% or more,

which in this case comes to 512 votes,

we go ahead and recount the whole state.

Now, most of the voting
here is touch screen,

so we can't do more than
retabulate those totals.

Except you could recount the
voter-verified paper audit trails.

Sometimes there are big discrepancies.

- Sir, in that case we motion...
- On the other hand,

the ninth circuit court of appeals
ruled in Crowley v. Nevada

that you don't have to recount the
paper audit trails in local elections.

- That's Crawley versus Nevada?
- That's Crowley.

Actually, you know what?
I could email you.

Or you could email me at
splett2@splettnet.net.

Splett1 is my father. It'll
be sad to see him go,

but it'll be nice to get my
hands on that handle, you know?

- (REPORTERS CLAMORING)
- REPORTER: Is Meyer being a sore loser?

- Spirits are very high.
- The president won the popular vote.

I didn't quite catch all your questions.

- We had a pretty big setback in there.
- We have to go.

We're very late for another appointment.
Thank you very much, everybody.

What is wrong with you, you
Paddington Bear-looking fuck?

You just gave them a Time Life
instruction manual on how to fuck us.

You guys have Michael Jordan
sitting on the bench here,

but you're starting Hakeem Olajutwat.

You are not Michael Jordan.

You are a seven-foot-seven
goony-looking Lithuanian

who's gonna drop dead of Marfan syndrome.
Get your ass in the car.

- SELINA: The Eagle's landed.
- BRADLEY: Yes, he has.

- Madam President.
- Yes?

This is truly an honor to serve you.

Well, thank you very much.

Plus I would never miss the opportunity

to dry fuck Jim Whitman up the ass.

(LAUGHS) Catherine, out.

Oh, Bob, I need to introduce
you to Amy Brookheimer

and her team in Nevada right here.

Nice to meet you, Mr. Bradley.

How many lawyers you got on
the ground in Carson City?

I believe it's roughly...

I want you to double it
by the end of the day.

Now, let's talk about
the actual recount.

Well, I noticed something funny
about the mail-in ballots.

All right, let's hear it,
Affirmative Action Jackson.

Well, the county clerk of Nye County
disqualified a huge number of mail-in ballots

because the signatures didn't
match the voter rolls,

so I checked and he's
an O'Brien fundraiser.

He probably chucked out
a ton of Meyer votes.

Why aren't you moving on this, blondie?

Right, Amy. Come on, get it together.
My God in heaven.

We will get right on it, ma'am, sir.

Bob, what do you think? Are
we gonna win this thing?

I mean, really honestly, your true gut.

Well, Madam President,
I've got big balls,

- but neither one of them are crystal.
- Oh, darn it.

This reminds me of something
that Dick Nixon used to say

to Henry Kissinger back when
that tricky son of a bitch

was trying to get us out of that
messy business called Vietnam.

Vietnam, right.

He would say, "Henry,
you son of a bitch.

I can lead a horse to water,
but I can't milk it."

(LAUGHING)

Can't milk it! I don't
even know what that means.

- I love it.
- I've got to make a million phone calls.

- So you'll have to excuse me.
- All right.

- Good-bye, everyone.
- Fantastic. Good-bye. We got our guy.

- Hey, Bob.
- Yeah?

You don't remember me. I was an
intern way back when you were...

Of course I remember you.

Lookie here. Ben Cafferty all grown up.

We used to have a million
nicknames for this guy.

We called him Fatty Dicksuckle

and B-B-Benny and the Jizz.

Buttfucker.

Buttfucker, that's me.

I can't believe you
remembered my nickname.

Good to see you. Nice to see you.

Oh, good old Sue. You're still here.

- My, oh, my.
- KENT: Still here?

He hasn't worked in the White
House since the late '80s.

- How old is Sue?
- Huh?

AMY: Well, that's clearly
a vote for Meyer.

It says her name right there.
It's a write-in.

It says "Fuck Selina Meyer."

If anything, that one
should count for us.

Move to call this a no vote.

No, no, no. See, right there.

See that? Yeah, that's a comma.

- Where?
- After fuck, that is a comma.

So it doesn't say "Fuck Selina Meyer."

It says, you know, "Fuck, Selina Meyer!"

That's a testament to
this voter's earthy

but unambiguous enthusiasm
for President Meyer.

DAN: Absolutely.

(CAMERAS CLICKING)

- Vote for Meyer.
- Yes! Yeah.

- Madam President.
- Yes, Mr. Economy Czar.

Welcome to your banking task force.

- Great idea of yours.
- Yeah, it is, isn't it?

I'm looking forward to hearing what
my next great idea is gonna be.

Oh, I'm glad that you're able to turn

my actual policy meeting
into a meaningless photo op.

I'm sure the Dow is rocketing
skywards as we speak.

Don't you have a volunteers
brunch or something to get to?

- I think you do.
- Hmm, yeah.

And I have to tell you, it is a
pleasure to watch those people eat.

- Madam President.
- Yeah, take it easy.

- Wow. I know.
- Wow.

Boss boots, boss.

Oh, thanks. Yeah, check those out.
Genuine crocodile skin.

Yeah, I'm gonna be pulling
down Clint Eastwood

cowboy movie style
pussy in these things.

Except I'm not the man with no name.

I'm the man with mo' game.

(KNOCKS)

Afternoon, sir. We're
here because your ballot

was disqualified because your
signature didn't match...

okay, well, fooled me with that one.
(LAUGHS)

- Good job, team.
- Yeah, nice job, Richard.

That's not how I would've
done it if I was in charge.

How would you have done it?

I can't teach how I do it.

Can Paul McCartney teach Kid Rock
how to be a good songwriter?

I mean, that's a bad example.
Kid Rock rules, but...

GARY: Hey, ma'am, this is Charlie
Baird, CEO of EM Wheelright.

- Hello, Madam President.
- You're Charlie Baird.

- I am. Good to see you.
- Yes, good to see you, too.

- Thanks for coming today.
- My pleasure.

I thought this was going to be two hours

of Tom James lecturing us
about being paid too much.

(LAUGHS) Well, Tom can be, dare I say...

A bit of an asshat?

Actually, I was gonna say a
champion for the middle class,

but I kind of like your thing
better to tell you the truth.

Ma'am, this is Phillip Ryan. He's the...

- Can you hang on just two seconds?
- Of course.

So let me ask you this. What in the
heck is going on with the markets?

- I don't know.
- Oh, great.

I do know that yesterday morning

this room felt about
$25 billion smarter.

Yeah, I think that's what all of
you donated to my opponent, right?

Full disclosure, I did donate
to your campaign as well.

Mm-hmm. Two grand?

Where'd you find that? In
your sofa seat cushion?

I think it was in my other
pants, Madam President.

- (LAUGHS) Good. Nice to have you here.
- Hey, ma'am.

This is Eli Park. He's
the CEO of CM Capital.

Oh, yes.

- Oh, hello, Eli.
- Madam President.

- Yes, how is Susan?
- He's divorced.

Not in jail for what she did to you.

Honestly, it is an outrage.
But I'm happy you're here.

And I think we've got to get
this meeting going, don't we?

It's got to get... yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Thank you.
- Thank you, Madam President.

Oh, thank you very much.
Oh, Jesus Christ.

Don't worry about Eli.

Brooks Brothers sews prenups
into all our suits.

- Oh, are you divorced?
- Oh, yeah, proudly.

Yeah, best thing me and
my husband ever did.

- Including our daughter.
- (LAUGHS)

Listen, I heard you on Bloomberg

talking about my financial acumen,

and I have to say you
were wildly out of line.

- Well, most of that is just for show.
- Uh-huh.

But, with all due
respect, Madam President,

some of your economic policies

are what my friend Katie
Gross likes to call fakakta.

Katie Gross? You know Katie Gross?

I went to Smith with Katie Gross.

- I dated Katie Gross.
- Yeah, so did I.

'Cause I was at Smith.
No, it's a Smith joke.

- That's incredible.
- This is Elizabeth Moorehouse.

- Oh, hi, how are you?
- I'm well, thank you.

- Thank you for coming today.
- My pleasure, Madam President.

I hope you can talk some
sense into the fed.

Excuse me, sorry to interrupt.

Madam President, Katie says
to tell you Hubbard forever.

- She didn't.
- She did.

She didn't! That's hilar...

that was our dorm and it was repulsive.

- You know Katie Gross?
- It sounds familiar.

I bet your paths have crossed.

The second signature was
when Carl had his stroke.

Oh, that's fantastic. I
mean, fantastic for us

because it means that his vote for
President Meyer is legitimate.

- Could he testify to that?
- I'm sorry, he's passed.

Sorry. You should read C.S.
Lewis's book on grief.

It's not as fun as "The Lion,
Witch, and the Wardrobe" series,

- but it's still pretty good.
- Ma'am, hi.

Jonah Ryan, Senior Deputy Recount
Strategist for the Meyer campaign.

Would it be all right if we
waited for your husband inside?

- I think I have a small blister.
- I'm sorry.

Alav hashalom. Hebrew.

Maybe you should put on your
regular shoes for a little bit?

You know what? I am sick of
your micromanaging bullshit.

But if you insist, yes, I
will stop by the hotel.

We can do that. It's a two-minute walk.

Oh, sorry, two miles. Ha, so...

God.

Well, well, well, if it
isn't TV's Ellen DeGeneres

and of course Amy Brookheimer.

Congressman Furlong, to what do we owe

this pleasure slash
skin-crawling sensation?

Well, I just came out West to
play a little Cowboys and Injuns

with Big Chief Suckum Choad here.

Say it.

(CLEARS THROAT) How.

Me suck pee pee in teepee.

(LAUGHS) Atta girl.

Actually, Bob Bradley
asked me to come out here

and dazzle some of these armadillo
fuckers with my political star power.

Step aside, roadkill.
Big rig coming through.

Hi, Amy, Dan.

- Hi again.
- How you doing?

That is not an overvote.

The voter crossed out O'Brien's
name and voted for Meyer.

That is a vote for Meyer.

Move to rule it an overvote.

Hey, Grimace. What are you...

no, no, no, not you.

The other person in the room who
looks exactly like Grimace.

That is not an overvote. You
need to trust me on this

because I've been doing this
since before your mother

was throwing herself down
the stairs belly first.

You want me to get you some glasses?

Maybe I'll call in Mayor McCheese?

He can come in here and explain
election procedures to you.

- (WHIMPERING)
- Oh, I'm not...

- Tracy.
- Look, it's... you're wearing purple.

All right? It's got nothing
to do with your body shape

or your... the way your head goes
into your shoulders so smoothly.

Hey, you know, we have to get
to your next meeting at the...

That's right. Good call. God bless you.

God bless America.

When you're ready, we would like
to vigorously contest your ruling.

Oh, ma'am, I have photos to approve
from the banking task force.

And you have a meeting with
Olympic medalists in five.

Special or normal?

Well, they seemed
normal, but I'll confirm.

Okay.

So you catch "The Godfather"
on TV last night?

No.

There was nothing like
seeing it in the theater

when it first came out back in '72.

I don't care for movies.

You've truly brought honor to
America with your kayaking.

So congratulations on your gold medal.

- It's bronze.
- Oh. Oh, bronze medal.

Did we get it? Oh, and
thank you for this.

I can't wait to try it out
on the Potomac. (LAUGHS)

- All right, guys. Right this way.
- SELINA: Okay.

Great. Great. Great. Great. Okay.

Fuck am I supposed to do with this?

- It'd be nice for your library.
- What?

Catherine, out.

So what's the press saying
about our banking task force?

They opened wide and
slurped it down, ma'am.

You know what I was thinking?

I was thinking that I would like
to do another banking task force.

I bet we could get
Pallenberg at Barclays.

I see no problem there.

No, you know who had a lot to say
was that guy from Wheelright.

Charlie... Baird.

- Really?
- Uh-huh.

Ma'am, I don't think right now

would be the best time for
another banking task force.

No, I just want to have a
quick banking task force.

With all due respect, ma'am, you
know, the banks will still be,

you know, raring to go for a task force,

you know, when you're safely reelected.

I'm human, okay? I just...

I just sometimes need a
little banking task force.

Well, ma'am, if you want, I can arrange
a more discreet banking task force.

I don't want that kind
of banking task force.

I want the banking task
force that I want.

What about Patty Driscoll
from Deutsche Bank?

She's very good. Might be nice
to throw a woman in the mix.

Ma'am, Amy's on video conference.

SELINA: Amy, what is it?

- Can you see me? I can't see you.
- Yeah.

- Am I on your screen?
- Who cares if you can't see me?

We're not looking at each other's
hairdos. What's going on in Nevada?

- Kent, are you sitting on a bottle?
- Shh, shh!

- Ma'am, where are you?
- Amy?

Ah, there you are. Precinct
totals have been reported.

We got... votes.

Wait, you just went out.
What did you just say?

We got... votes.

- How many votes did we get?
- Let me try a landline.

- I'm losing my mind.
- We got it. We got it.

512 votes. Full state recount is a go.

- (LAUGHING)
- Fucking recount!

- Oh, my God!
- This is favorable news.

Oh, my God, this is my house.
This is my house.

Hey, guys, listen up. Okay, precinct
totals have been reported and...

Oh, just hang up on her.
Wait, where is Catherine?

She should be getting this
for her little movie.

I'm feeling light-headed. That bottle's
my only source of blood sugar.

Okay, Gary, I'm wanna get Charlie
Baird in for another meeting.

You want me to invite some other people?

- No, no, no, just him.
- Oh.

- Just him?
- Yep.

Here's your stupid bottle.

Stop with the Kabuki show
and eat a fucking cookie.

Uh, Mike, remind me again
the science behind this.

MIKE: Now I feel great.

You guys have got to try this.

We need surrogates for
the Sunday talk shows.

- Right.
- Chung will do it.

Chung would volunteer for a beheading
video to get national airtime.

I'd actually like to see that.

Ma'am, Tom James is
here sans appointment.

Bleh. Can you go tell him to fuck
a bag of glass or something?

Actually, I told him something similar
to that, but he's most insistent.

Oh, okay. Send him in.

Hi there. This is an
unexpected pleasure.

No, no, no, guys. I
want you to hear this.

Ma'am, on reflection,
I totally understand

why you needed to take the lead
on the banking task force.

And I am ready to do whatever I
need to do to help the team.

So, economy czar, kids' birthday
parties, reflecting pool boy.

Just don't ask me to be the
United Nations ambassador

'cause I still have some pride.

(LAUGHS)

I wanted to say that and
I'll leave you guys alone.

- Thank you so much.
- Oh, great. Thanks. Good to see you.

Oh, by the way, I just polished
the floor in the Eisenhower Room.

- Tom, stop.
- Be careful in there, all right?

- Huh?
- That was something.

Why did Tom James just wrap up his balls
in butcher paper and put them in my purse?

Because he thinks you're
gonna win Nevada.

- Tom thinks I'm gonna win Nevada?
- Yeah.

- "Nev-add-a."
- He's the smartest guy in DC.

You know that? He's a lot
smarter than you dummies.

Seriously, if Tom thinks I'm
gonna win Nevada, I'm gonna win.

(LAUGHS)

Ma'am, Charlie Baird is here.

Oh.

Hey, I'm gonna be president,

so I can go take a shit in the
Rose Garden if I want to.

We used to call that a Jimmy Carter.

Charlie Baird. Move.

Madam President. What a lovely surprise.

Oh, thank you.

I thought my $2,000 donation
only entitled me to a photo.

- How are you?
- I am good. I am energized.

So, you know, you made an interesting point
earlier today about the bond market...

but you know what? Before we do that,

would you like to go on a tour of
the West Wing? Would that be fun?

I don't know if you have
time for that, ma'am.

Yeah, I have time.

- Okay.
- Yeah? Okay.

I warn you, I had a pretty comprehensive White
House tour on my fifth grade class trip.

I actually know a lot about West
Wing history if you'd like... no.

I feel like that guy
doesn't like me very much.

- Who, Gary?
- Yeah.

Come on, that's like saying
that the cat doesn't like you

or that table doesn't like you.

Okay, now, there's this
Rockwell down here

that is so stunning and I swear to
God if I lose this fucking election,

I'm gonna stick it in my suitcase
and I'm taking it with me.

- Love Rockwell.
- Yeah.

- I have a bunch of Rockwells.
- You do?

- Yeah.
- You're kidding.

- No.
- Where are they?

Some beach house.

- Not sure which beach.
- You are wild.

In another person it would be bragging,

but with you it's something different.

Oh, wait a minute. I
got to show you this.

Okay, see this closet?

I don't know if you've heard about this,

but this is the actual
closet where Warren Harding

fathered a child with
his teenage mistress.

They left that off our fifth grade tour.

Did they show you the residence?

Nope.

Uh, you want to see the residence?

Uh, yeah.

Okay.

- Fuck, today.
- Now, was that a vote in favor of today?

Oh, that was a fuck, comma, today, yes!

(LAUGHS)

Oh, I didn't... yeah, this is me.

This is me. Uh...

- Okay, good night.
- Good night, yeah.

- God damn it. Come on.
- (BEEPS)

Jesus Christ.

I've had to get this key
card changed twice.

- Because it's like...
- Okay, allow me.

(ELECTRONIC CHIRP)

- Ooh, hi, Amy.
- Whoa.

You didn't tell me faggy hair was here.

Sophie, haven't seen you in years.

How are your illegitimate children?

I asked my sister to send
me a change of clothes

and apparently she has decided
to bring them herself.

- Uh-huh.
- Your hotel room sucks.

I thought that Carson City
was, like, part of Las Vegas.

Vegas is 432 miles away.

Sorry I'm not a "where
everything is" nerd.

Were you two just about to bone?

(LAUGHS) Okay, well,

you enjoy all that.

- I'm gonna...
- SOPHIE: Oh, no, no, no.

What happens in Vegas,
it stays in Vegas.

- We're not in Vegas.
- (LAUGHS)

You know, I hardly ever did
that with President Hughes.

And even when we did, I was just
kind of going through the motions.

Oh, thank you very much.
That's very flattering.

- Maybe we can do this...
- We got to get you out of here.

- Right.
- I'm gonna call Gary

and get him to take you
to the southeast gate.

Can you send Gary up here, please?
Yeah, thank you.

- But I really did have a great time.
- No, no, no, I did, too.

I mean, I'm just saying I'm
not that kind of a president.

- Got it.
- Yeah. Do you know where my shoes are?

- I think you... we started in there.
- Yes, they're here.

- Yeah.
- (KNOCKS)

- SELINA: Come in!
- Okay, let's go.

You must be Gary. We
haven't officially met.

I'm Charlie Baird.

Uh, nice to meet you.

Where you from?

- Birmingham, Alabama.
- Ah, underrated city.

(LAUGHS) You're telling me.

You're telling me.

They call it the
Pittsburgh of the South.

You come from a big family, do you?

I do come from a big family.
I do, I do, I do.

(LAUGHS) It's actually just me.
I'm an only child.

Oh, Gary, can you take Mr. Baird
to the southeast gate, please?

Oh, so soon?

SELINA: But what I want to know, Bob,

is do we put a full recount
team in all the rural precincts

or do we just focus on Reno and Vegas?

Well, what you have here is a classic
two fires, one glove situation.

And you need to know which
hand to put the glove on.

- That's exactly right.
- Exactly.

You know, as much as it pains me

to leave your company, Madam President,

I got to catch a flight to Nebraska.

No, oh, wait a minute.
You mean Nevada. Nevada.

- What did I say?
- You said Nebraska.

- Well, I'll get that one for you, too.
- Okay.

Listen, safe travels, my friend.

Thank you. Gentlemen.

- Buttfucker.
- Bye, Bob.

Honestly, they don't make
them like that anymore.

The best.

- He's from a different age.
- When giants walked these halls.

- Ma'am.
- Yeah?

You have a drop-by with the
Canadian Trade Delegation in 30.

- Oh, I forgot about that.
- And FYI, Charlie Baird's on TV.

You know, I was over in the East
Wing and I saw a painting of Sue

holding George Washington's horse.

Senator Bill O'Brien made remarks...

Catherine, I can't even begin. Out.

Charlie Baird is a friend of mine.

Charlie Baird is one of the great
financial minds of our time

and would be an asset
to any administration.

- You're kidding.
- No.

He fucked me and then he fucked me?

What, is he trying to fuck me?

I bet he's really sorry.

(KNOCKS)

Hey, ma'am, Charlie's here.

He seems really sad.

- I always count to 10...
- Shut it.

(SCOFFS)

You went straight from
here to O'Brien's hotel?

Are you kidding me? Did you take
a shower at least in between?

It was just a preliminary
meeting regarding his cabinet.

Were you thinking about his cabinet
while you were fucking me?

Seriously. Were you fantasizing
I had some sort of a goatee

and was on the wait list for a liver?

The O'Brien meeting was scheduled
days before we even met.

I didn't think it was a
conflict of interests.

You didn't think it was a conflict...

first of all, he doesn't
even have a cabinet.

Look, if you win the election,
it doesn't mean anything anyway.

- If O'Brien wins the election...
- Okay, let's hear what this is.

...you've slept with the
Secretary of the Treasury.

SELINA: Oh, that's classy. This is over.

Over? I didn't even know it was a thing.

Absolutely not a thing. And
if it was a thing, it's over.

- Yeah.
- (CUPS RATTLE)

- How we doing?
- They're ready for you.

Then let's get 'er done! (LAUGHS)

Oh, where's my bottle? My bottle?

Is this it?

Thanks. Got to keep the
old blood sugar up.

- (CHATTER)
- Good evening, everyone.

Before you ask, there are
no updates on Nevada.

The president is laser-focused
on the economy,

so I'd be happy to address that.

- Mike, Mike!
- Deb.

Can we expect a stimulus package?

Yes, right now all options
are on the table.

Mm-mmm.

Uh, including a stimulus package,

uh, which is on the table.

- Mike!
- Wayne.

Why did the president bring
Charlie Baird in again today

after he met with the O'Brien camp?

Uh, Charlie Baird, uh...

he's just... came in for a meeting.

Just a meeting. He's an advisor.

Uh, actually not an advisor.

- (EXHALES)
- (CRUNCHES)

Uh, he... he's a Charlie Baird.

Mike, what exactly is the
nature of President Meyer's

relationship with Charlie Baird?

No more questions. I do have to go.

- Thank you.
- (REPORTERS CLAMORING)

Looks like Charlie Baird
is fucking the president.

(MUSIC BLARING)

You know, I got my sister her own room.

So it's just little old you

in that big old room.

I'm gonna go back to that room.

See you later.

- Well, hello.
- (GROANS)

Everybody here is so boring.

The shit you do is such bullshit.

Remind me again what it is that
you do that's so interesting.

I work at CVS.

Really? CBS?

I would love to work at CBS.

- Oh, God, don't be a dick.
- No, I'm serious.

There's always openings.

Do you seriously think that
you could get me something?

- Maybe late night.
- Late night's perfect!

Do you want to get out of here?

I have my own room.

Uh, yeah.

- Cool, let's go.
- Yeah.

- Let's go! (SNAPS FINGERS)
- Yeah.

GARY: And this is my number
and it goes straight to me.

You can call me any time of the day.
I'm always here.

- Thank you, Birmingham.
- Okay.

Mr. Baird! Can you confirm that
you are dating President Meyer?

When did you and the
president first meet?

Mr. Baird, are you dating the president?

Have a lovely night.

BEN: 23 messages?

A nightcap?

(SCOFFS)

"I'm in DC."