Veep (2012–…): Season 2, Episode 9 - Running - full transcript

SUE: No, Rachel, I'm sorry.

But the VP's schedule
has skyrocketed since the interview.

Actually, I'm not sorry.
I'm not sure why I just said that.

Boy, I'll tell you something.

That TV interview was a big gamble,
but it really paid off.

- Look at this.
- What is it?

They're calling you the no-BS VP.

- Damn right they are.
- (LAUGHS)

I mean, I lied and everything,

- but it sounded true, at least.
- Uh-huh.

DAN: Mood is good.



Just need six more years like today,
and they will vote us POTUS.

Hey, ma'am, remember tomorrow
you've got that Get Moving Fun Run.

SELINAI Yeah.

You probably should prepare,
don't you think?

- It's a 1 OK.
- Yeah.

- I can run that thing in a suit of armor.
- Okay.

Ma'am, I shouldn't go with you
to this donors' brunch.

We don't want to set off any alarm bells.

Oh, yeah. You know what? Me neither.

Okay, I'll go kiss some hateful
billionaire ass on my own.

Give them all donor boners.

- Everyone wants a piece of you, ma'am.
- Yeah.

- (PHONE RINGING)
- Via me.

I need to go talk to Ben right now.



Andale!

Let's go.

MALE REPORTER: We haven't heard
anything from the President so far.

We've got rumors of a whistleblower
high up in the State Department.

What? What are you doing?

- I don't want people to see that.
- Okay.

They should put those in a dispenser

- outside Ben's office, right?
- Yeah.

MALE REPORTER: White House staff
are lawyering up in case of subpoenas...

Ben. Ben?

We've got the President's own party
talking of a potential challenger...

Hey, why doesn't POTUS
just make an apology?

I mean, I did and I was only,
like, suicidal for a week. Huh?

Oh, because he's a mess, all right?

He's got a cave full of bats in his skull.

I took the heat for the spy.

- Don't I get any credit for that at all?
- Yeah.

So now we've got the House Judiciary
Committee subpoenaing us senseless.

And on top of that,

we got a rumor going around that says
that there's a challenger inside the party.

- What? Who?
- I don't know.

One of Gaddafi's sons.
They're polling better.

So thank you very much for your help,

but would you quit
being so goddamned proactive?

What are you going to do for an encore?

Blow the opening day pitch out of your ass?

Ah, that's lovely.

Is this what this is going to be like
for the next two years?

Oh, my, yes.

We are at DEFCON fuck.

(SIRENS BLARING)

GARY: Hey, ma'am,
I got flash cards on the donors.

No, thanks. I got it.

Peter Spiddock sleeps with his gun,
Sandra O'Neill fricking hates fracking,

Sidney Purcell, talking to him, it's like being
stuck in a sewer pipe filled with dead rats.

He's got money to burn.

Not that donating to your campaign
is burning money.

I know what this is all about.
This is a political prick tease today.

Yeah, and we're about to
meet a bunch of pricks.

SELINA: Yeah. Challenger schmallenger.

I mean, if this brunch goes well,

my campaign launchpad
is going to be made of solid fucking gold.

(ALL LAUGHING)

And then in six years,

- it's gonna be Ms. President.
- (ALL LAUGHING)

- Yeah!
- We're gonna need a bigger bag!

- Ovaries in the Oval Office!
- (LAUGHS)

The West Womb! (LAUGHS)

What?

- What?
- You know, like a womb.

Like a woman has a womb
that the baby comes...

MIKE: Oh, pathetic.

Politico is announcing that Danny Chung

has just uploaded his "What I'm
Listening To" playlist on Spotify.

Hmm, we need to do a playlist.

- No, we don't.
- Oh, we absolutely do.

- Get Dan.
- No, I can help with the songs.

You know, my niece loves Katy Perry.

Just like I said, get Dan.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

- There he is.
- DJ Dan.

- Thanks for the playlist.
- Oh, my pleasure.

Seems like it's playing pretty well, too,
with the oldies and the Young Chungers.

The Young Chungers.

- It's like you think in hashtags.
- You like that?

All right, maybe we can call the over 65ers
the Granny Chungs.

- Something. No, I'll keep working on that one.
- (CELL PHONE RINGING)

Oh, shit.

- You need to take that. Keep her happy.
- Tall order.

- You smell that? Money.
- (LAUGHS)

- Hey, Dan?
- Ma'am.

Have you heard anything about
this Danny Chung playlist?

DAN". I just caught that, actually.

Some smart stuff on there, too.

Nas for the young folks,
some Dean Martin for the retirees.

He just got one of his butt droids to do it,
which is why I want you to do it for me, okay?

Your mix is my command.

Come on, Sue, help me out with this, okay?
You're good at this stuff.

You're young, you're hip, you're hop.

What about Jimmy Cliff?
The Harder They Come?

No.

Look, I have no idea who that is, so, no.

Uh, Elvis Costello,
Peace, Love And Understanding?

- What?
- No, no, and no.

Are you getting these all from your iPod?

- No. I think it's in a cloud.
- Oh.

You know, do you think that Danny Chung's

the one who's getting ready
to bust a move in two years?

Well, the way POTUS is going, he'll probably
stumble into a war sooner or later.

Chung will reenlist
and hopefully get himself killed.

I don't understand why I don't get
the same respect as he does, you know?

- Shit!
- Oh, what about that? Respect.

- Sue?
- You know, the Aretha Franklin song?

- Yes.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- That would be great.
- Hey, Mike. Mike.

- Oh! Oh, my God.
- Duchess is down.

- Oh.
- MARTIN: Duchess is down. Yellow, yellow.

- I repeat, duchess is down. Go, Rick.
- MAN: Go, go, go, go!

(GASPS) Oh, God, your face!

- MAN: We're gonna need a medic.
- Is it bad?

- No.
- Yes!

You're fine, ma'am. You're fine.

Madam Vice President,
if you'd just stand still, please.

Just calm down, Martin. Okay?

- She's fine. It's not a terrorist.
- I'm fine.

- Just lock up the hallway, guys. It's all fine.
- Lock it up. Lock it up.

- Ma'am.
- Yes?

- Here's what you do.
- Okay.

Don't move. We're gonna have
to cut your clothes off you.

- Huh?
- I walked through a glass door before.

This is what you do, okay?

- You're kidding.
- No, I was fine because I was drunk.

- You're gonna be okay.
- Oh.

Shit, the donors.

Just go tell them
I'm gonna be a couple minutes late.

- Go tell them that, okay?
- Okay, okay.

- All right. What are you... No! Mike!
- Sorry, sorry, sorry.

- Oh, shit!
- Oh, my God!

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- Don't... Don't...

- Go another way, Mike.
- Okay. Okay.

- Ma'am, are you hurting? Are you in pain?
- Uh...

I don't know.

Do you have a mirror?

- No.
- Yes, you do.

I've got some St. John's wort
for pain relief if you want it.

I don't want to take medication.

It's herbal. It's from the earth.

- You can take six, it won't affect you.
- (BOTH GASP)

- (BOTH WHIMPER)
- Look at that.

Ah! OW!

Hiya. HeY-

Uh, the Vice President apologizes,
but she's slightly delayed.

She's stuck on a call
with the Australian ambassador.

The Australian ambassador?

Oh, that's good.
I've never heard that one before.

Sidney Purcell, always a pleasure, sir.

No, it's not, actually,
but you get marks for trying.

But the Vice President is in great spirits.
She's buoyantly waiting to meet you all.

And I will go check,
see if I can interrupt that call.

Like I said, it's a call.

Strength is being flexible and steadfast.

The living willow, not the dead oak.

I learned in Iraq that the road to respect
between me and my men ran two ways.

In order to get respect,
you have to give respect.

When I look out, I see many faces, but I
see only one nation with one aspiration,

and that aspiration
is to one day hope to dream together.

- I met a young woman...
- No.

Named Juanita in Saint
Paul the other day.

- Oh, crap.
- DAN NY: And I asked...

- You know what she said to me?
- Oh.

- Dan.
- This is awkward.

Like catching your sister's eye at an orgy.

Well, my sister would never be at an orgy.
Too uptight.

She would want health records from everyone
and just kill the momentum and...

Okay. I'm disappointed in you.

This is the kind of behavior
I would expect from myself.

But from you? Uh-huh.

Let's cut the crap. We're
both here for Chung.

So we both jump together.
You know, Butch and Sundance.

Don't they both die?

- No, not when theyjump. They die at the end.
- (CELL PHONE RINGING)

- Oh.
- (BEEPS)

Hey, Sue.

Dan, the Vice President
just walked through a glass door.

She walked through a glass door?
What is that, code?

No, unfortunately, it is not, Dan.

It is a literal description

- of what just happened-
- (MOUTHING)

And she's not too badly hurt.
Thanks for asking.

She walked through a glass door?

Yeah, that woman has become
a living metaphor of her own career.

(GRUNTING)

Just make sure you rest today, okay?

I feel like one of those old used footballs

that they fixed up

- for the kids at an orphanage.
- (KNOCK ON DOOR)

- (LAUGHING)
- (DOOR OPENS)

Good to see you've calmed down.

Ma'am, plenty of rest
and no 1 OK run tomorrow.

- Okay?
- Well, I don't know about that.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Uh, we told everyone you were delayed.

Um, but we're gonna have to
cancel this thing, okay?

No. Mike, what are you talking about?

I can't cancel my destiny.

Ma'am, look at you. You're wearing a robe.

Unless you want to go down there

and sing them a chorus of
Look At Me, I'm Sandra Dee,

you can't go downstairs.

Okay, um, I'll go ahead and go.

- Mmm-hmm.
- Thank you very much for your help.

- Mum's the word?
- Oh, yes.

- Good.
- What would I even say?

We'll just tell them
what happened and reschedule.

Oh! Ooh!

- Jesus.
- Oh, God.

I'm canceling. I'm canceling.

(PANTING)

- Okay, where is she?
- I don't know.

I guess we just follow
the trail of her blood and Gary's tears.

- Oh, hey.
- How bad is she?

She's fine. It's just superficial cuts.

Did you give her any painkillers or...

I didn't want to do that
because she's already on St. John's wort.

I think I got that off
a Catholic schoolgirl once.

So why can't she take anything else?

Well, uh, it can react badly with the body

if she's already on immunosuppressants,
beta-blockers, or antidepressants.

- Oh, okay, fine. She's not on any of those.
- (CELL PHONE CHIMES)

- I've really got to go. Catch you guys later.
- Yep, thank you.

AMY: Well, she is on antidepressants.
DAN: Yep.

After you.

See? You made that look so easy.

Hey, I'm sorry this isn't
the presidential suite, ma'am. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, it doesn't matter, Gary.

Who has the presidential suite?

I heard Russell Crowe.

- Russell Crowe, Gladiator.
- Yeah.

- "I'll be back."
- (LAUGHING)

- You know who would love this robe?
- Mmm. Who?

- Ben.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Can you imagine him in this
with his big mug?

- Yep, Yep-
- Walking around?

He'd love that.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

- Come on, sit here.
- Okay, that's nice.

- Yeah.
- Thank you, ma'am.

I don't really know anything
about you, you know?

You're kind of a mystery man.

Ooh. (CHUCKLES) Hmm.

- Where'd you grow up?
- Birmingham, Alabama.

- You did not.
- (IN SOUTHERN ACCENT) I did too! I did!

- Are you close to your parents?
- (IN NORMAL ACCENT) Close to my mom.

- My dad always wanted a man for a son, so...
- Oh, yeah.

- But it's a different generation.
- It is a different generation. It's true.

They're about to celebrate
their 40th wedding anniversary.

- (GASPS) Oh.
- Four-O.

They're gonna have a huge blowout.

What do you mean? Like a party?

- Massive party. Massive.
- (GASPS) Oh.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's really...
- Can I come?

- What?
- Could... Can I come?

Are you serious?

Is that completely inappropriate
for me to invite myself?

Oh, my God, no.

No. They...

- I would love that. Are you kidding?
- (KNOCK ON DOOR)

- Really?
- Yes.

That would solve
all of my validation issues with my dad.

Ma'am. Uh, how are you?

Look, Amy, watch this.

Look how tiny I can make myself.
Watch this.

(GIGGLING)

But the donor meeting
has been canceled, yes?

SELINA: I'm not doing that thing.

Seriously, screw all those people.

God, I hope Iran drops a nuke on DC.

- GARY: Ooh.
- Wouldn't that solve a lot of issues?

Except Kent wouldn't go anywhere.
He'd still be around.

- He's like an undead cockroach with his...
- (LAUGHING)

- (BOTH LAUGHING)
- it's true.

He's got that blank look.
I bet he doesn't even have a come face.

- Can you imagine fucking that guy?
- Whoa.

Amy, you have such pretty blonde hair.

Doesn't she?

SQ pretty.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Uh, hi, everyone. Good morning again.

Unfortunately, the Vice President is still
stuck on a phone call with Australia,

so she's going to have to postpone this
morning's meet and greet breakfast, okay?

We're very sorry.

Mike, you know, in the southern hemisphere,
the bullshit actually flows the other way.

Did you know that?

- The Australia thing is real.
- Yeah.

- What the fuck?
- Okay, listen to me.

There's been an incident
with the Vice President.

- Can you keep this under wraps?
- Yeah. What?

She's walked through a glass door.

- She walked through a glass door?
- Shh.

What, she just stumbled into
a solid piece of glass?

- Yes.
- (LAUGHING)

That's amazing.

I guess it's funny
because we've all done it at one point.

MAN: I haven't.

I pushed someone through
a plate glass door once.

That was fucking hilarious.

Stop laughing-

- Is she okay?
- Mmm-hmm.

Just cuts.

You are liaison to the VP, right?
That's your liaison d'étre?

Uh, I was born to liaise, sir.

Then why can't you tell me
about what the VP was doing

when she walked into a glass fucking door?

Okay, well, the VP's office
can be very insubordinate.

I mean, they insubord me all the time.
You know that they call me Jonad?

I mean, that is tantamount
to calling the President Jonad.

No, it's not.

He's the President, you're Jonad.

Now get in there
and liaise the truth out of Sue,

or I'll make sure that name sticks so hard,
it ends up on your gravestone.

Yes, sir.

Hello there, Susan.

Name's not Susan, it's Sue, Jonad.

Okay, and my name isn't Jonad!

- It's Jonah. Do not disrespect me on this, Sue.
- BEN: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

No one here is disrespecting you, Jonad.

Now go earn your name change.

- Sue.
- Sir.

What was the Vice President
doing at that hotel this morning?

Meet and greet
with the American Teachers Association.

If I call the ATA, they would confirm that
she was meeting and greeting them?

Uh, couldn't say.

If you can't tell me what she was doing,
maybe you can tell me what she wasn't doing.

The Vice President
was not at a brunch with campaign donors.

I would hope that she was not.

Otherwise, I'm not sure

if I wouldn't be within my rights
not to launch a drone strike right now.

I got lost in the double
negative, sir. What?

I'm fuckin' furious.

Jonad!

- Yes, sir.
- Get over to that hotel.

Cut your face off
and give it to the VP if you have to.

Just get her to talk to the press.

Say she is not the challenger.

I won't let you down, sir.

- Hey.
- Yeah.

- I'm really excited for that party.
- I am, too. We'll dance. We'll get our dance on.

(BOTH VOCALIZING)

- Dance on.
- (LAUGHING)

(PANTING)

Why are you guys so tense?
She's completely chilled.

She's out of her fucking mind.

She's coming to my parents'
40th wedding anniversary.

- Yeah, exactly, Gary.
- (KNOCK ON DOOR)

She's out of her fucking mind.

Hey, ma'am. I canceled the donor breakfast,

but I did have to come clean about
you walking through the glass door.

Great job, asshat.
Now everyone's gonna know.

Everyone's gonna find out
she walked through a glass door, Dan,

because she looks like
she walked through a fucking glass door.

- Yeah, check this out.
- (MIKE LAUGHS)

- What's his problem?
- I don't know.

Get over here, gingerbread.

You know what?
That St. John's wort that you gave her

is reacting to her antidepressants.

What are you talking about?
It's herbal. It's from the earth.

- So are mushrooms, dipshit.
- Okay, that's illegal drugs.

- Feel this. Feel this.
- The guns?

- Jesus.
- Argh.

- Okay. Hey!
- I'll hurt ya.

- You're in a good mood.
- (LAUGHS) I am.

- How are you doing?
- So-so, you know?

Not great, but trying
to keep things on an even keel.

- Hey, what about that boat of yours?
- I can't sell it. Nobody wants to buy her.

How much do you want for her?

Honestly, I would take half
just to get rid of the damn thing.

I'll give you all of it.

- You really want to buy my boat?
- Yeah.

Shake on it, Magic Mikey.

- You're gonna buy my boat?
- I am.

- Congratulations!
- Congratulations to you.

You just got a boat.

- And I just got a vote.
- AMY: Mike!

Mike, you're needed in here.

I'm coming, I'm coming.

There's fucking press vans outside, Mike.

You better hope
Russell Crowe is threatening to jump.

All right, look, we're gonna have to
get her downstairs for an appearance.

- Otherwise, they're gonna start speculating.
- (STUTTERS)

Look, she is fuckin' high right now.

(SELINA URINATING)

(SELINA LAUGHING)

Yeah, yeah.

You didn't happen to notice that
the Veep is tripping balls?

Gary gave her something

that is reacting with her antidepressants
and turning her into Julie Andrews.

No, that's not doing it.

DAN: We just need to keep her
here till this thing passes.

What if we pump her stomach?

I've had my stomach pumped before.

- I think I can figure it out.
- (KNOCK ON DOOR)

- JONAH: Knock, knock, J Rock o'clock!
- Christ.

Yeah, somebody ordered boom service?

As a senior White House official,
I am commandeering this situation, Mike.

All right, what do you guys got for me?

Okay, she just walked through a glass door,

which is somewhat ironic
building up to an invisible primary,

and she is temporarily insane
on a cocktail of happy pills.

Over to you, Captain.

You just broke his brain, Amy.

Jesus, look at his stupid gaping mouth.
Let's put stuff in it.

Okay, decision. Listen up.

The Veep will make a statement.

She will make this statement on camera,

and she will make this statement
as soon as humanly fucking possible.

Ca-fuckin'-pisce?

What in the hell is your problem, Andrew?

What?
What are you looking at me like that for?

- Your...
- Huh?

You called me Andrew.

No, I did not.

I know who you are.

I can even say your name the other way...

Haney.

(YAWN S)

All right, academically, Amy,
what's your first move here?

- Mike, go talk to the press.
- Yeah, Mike, go talk to the press.

- I'll tag team with you.
- Gary, go get her some clothes.

Yeah, Gary, go get her
some fucking clothes.

Come on, it's time to dress up and fess up.
Go, go, go.

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

Gotta say, I think I
handled that pretty well.

(SNORING)

There's something so sexy about being
in a hotel in the middle of the day, right?

Yep, four people to one toilet. You can
hear everything that hits the water.

(CELL PHONE CHIMING)

Where the fuck are you?
Picking cotton to weave?

Amy, I can't find anything to cover her up.

She doesn't have any turtlenecks.

I've narrowed it down to four looks.

Just get back here.

Amy, Amy, Amy. Give me a number
between one and four, please.

- Four.
- I think I prefer three.

- Fucking three, then.
- Actually, four's good.

FEMALE REPORTER:
So, who could challenge this president?

At the moment, the names we're hearing...

Okay, it has been three hours.
I need her on television now.

Do I need to draw you a line graph, Jonah?
More time equals less cuckoo.

We need to take a cold dump
on the speculation.

Is she the mystery challenger

who's going to throw her hat into the ring
to challenge POTUS in two years?

We need to send the message
that the ring is a hat-free zone.

No berets, no Stetsons, no beanies...

Why are you just listing hats?

Jonah's right.

(CLEARS THROAT) I've gotta put my face
out there, my fucked-up face.

I feel so good. I had such a deep sleep.

Looks like I'll just be
sitting over here being right.

Yeah, in 700 days of working with us,
you've been right once.

- Sit like a gentleman, please?
- Oh, my God.

You like the view, Mike?

- Okay, everyone. The Vice President.
- Madam Vice President.

- Please, give her some space.
- Hi. Hi, guys.

I'm sorry for keeping you waiting.
I'm fine.

I didn't want you to think I'm hiding anything.
'Cause that's not my style. (CHUCKLES)

Um, what happened is that
I, um, walked through a glass door.

And, um, the only thing that's really hurt
is my pride.

Were there any mitigating circumstances?
Was there carpeting or...

- Was there carpeting there, Mike?
- Yes.

There was.

Yes, it has been confirmed
that there was carpeting there.

You will be doing
the Get Moving Run tomorrow, correct?

I fully intend to run.

Oh, no, that's a fucking wire brush
to my hemorrhoids.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Thank you, ma'am.

So she's either crazy
or she's starting a presidential campaign.

Yeah, I'd say the two are synonymous.

- "I intend to run"?
- JONAH: No, no, no.

She was talking about
running the race, sir, the 10K.

Fix it, or I'll liaise
your balls to your desk.

Yes, sir. And thank you for
your continued... He's gone.

Amy, Amy, Amy. Okay, Amy.

Uh, she needs to run tomorrow to magic away
any presidential speculation, okay?

She can't do the Fun Run.

She can barely do
a convincing walk at the moment.

- Okay, can and will.
- Can't and won't.

Now go up and screw a pillow.
The room's paid for.

Oh.

MIKE: And this just in from Taiwan.

- So good.
- What?

- Come here.
- What?

(WOMAN SPEAKING MAN DARIN)

(ALL LAUGHING)

- DAN: (SNORTS) Oh.
- What the fuck?

- (SNORTS)
- Why are you laughing?

I love cartoons.

(LAUGHING)

AMY: Jesus.

- That's you, Gary.
- Shut up.

That doesn't even look like the Leviathan.

What else you got?
Is there anything else out there?

Your delay in facing the press has raised
speculation on your long-term health.

- What?
- They're asking if you're up to the job, ma'am.

Am I up to the job?
Ooh, jeez.

- Oh.
- The leg thing?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Seriously, I am totally overqualified
for this job.

- Stop it!
- You know...

- Stop what?
- Nothing.

These flowers came for you
from the Secretary of Defense Maddox.

Oh, let's see.

"Good luck with your Fun Run.

"Try not to swear
when the starter pistol goes off."

Come on.

He's just a varicose dick vein.
I can't stand that guy.

All right, let's go, guys.

Oh, I went to a Mexican karaoke restaurant,
and I did Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen.

Oh, no, you didn't.

I did, and I changed the
"hallelujah" to "jalapefio."

(LAUGHS)
I can imagine that was very funny, sir.

Oh, Christ. It's the Committee.

They're gonna vote
on the POTUS investigation.

Yeah, I think that's gonna be fine, sir.

Yeah, of course you do, Jonah.

You don't get the complexity.

You're the world's biggest
single-cell organism.

Hey, Amy,
you know Schmidt at the State Department?

He's the whistleblower. Yeah.

POTUS is gonna be up shit's creek

and I am not hanging around
to be his fucking paddle.

- I'm not.
- It's not coming to that, ma'am.

We don't know.

All I'm saying is that there are going to
be difficult choices to make, you know?

Like Sophie's Choice choices,

except more important
because it's gonna be about me.

- Well, hey there!
- (CROWD CHEERING)

All right. Great!

- All right, ma'am.
- Okay.

She is definitely wearing too much makeup.

- She looks like Marcel Marceau.
- BOTH: Yeah.

He couldn't tell the difference between
real glass and air either.

Come on, that's fuckin' funny.

- MAN OVER PA: On your marks...
- Wait.

- Yeah.
- I'm scared.

- Get set, go!
- Yeah. Okay.

- Oh, shit.
- Let's do it!

Yeah, I see you!

I see you.

Let's get moving!

MIKE: Oh, Christ.

Did we warn her one of the Get Moving
ambassadors was a one-legged veteran?

DAN: He's behind her.
She's never gonna see him.

But wait, does it look good,
her beating a one-legged guy like that?

No, it doesn't look good.

The alternative is a little worse,
don't you think?

The key is we make it look like she could
beat the guy, but then she lets him win.

DAN: Yeah, a win-win by losing.
That's good.

Yeah?

Hello?

Gary, you need to get her to slow down.

Oh, thank God.

- It looks bad if she's beating the disabled guy.
- Okay.

Hey, ma'am. You gotta slow down.

- Why?
- It looks bad.

Oh, God, what? My face?

No, your face looks fine.
You're beating a disabled guy.

Oh, come on.
Don't be so hard on yourself, Gary.

Oh, God. I can't stop her.
She's unstoppable.

(PHONE RINGING)

BEN: Dep Sec Schmidt is testifying.

House Judiciary Committee
is discussing an impeachment vote.

Burn everything incriminating,
including this building.

Burn all the White House pets
and then yourselves.

Burn yourselves first.

Jonah, you go down to the race site,

make sure the Vice President
says she stands by POTUS.

Mr. Ryan, ensure that the Vice President

does not respond to any questions
about the impeachment vote.

Those are contradictory orders.

No. You make sure that
she stands up and she shits back.

- Refuses to engage at all.
- JONAH: Okay, so I should...

- Pick a fucking side.
- Use yourjudgment.

Sir, that's not my strongest suit.

DAN: AW, Christ.

Schmidt at the State Department
just pushed the button.

The Judiciary Committee
says he's agreed to testify.

AMY: Okay, get me Gary again.

- Please, get me Gary again.
- You know what? Pull over here.

MIKE: Could this go to an impeachment vote?

(TIRES SCREECH)

All right, look, you guys go ahead.

We're gonna make sure
Gary keeps up with her. Okay, okay.

- Gary! Gary, come here!
- Gary! Gary!

As soon as she crosses the finish line,
the press is gonna be all over her.

- All right, so what do we say?
- Hang on, hang on.

- No, no, fuck it. We gotta go.
- No, come on, man.

- Come on!
- Fuck!

DAN: Gary!
AMY: Gary.

What? What?

The Judiciary Committee
is talking impeachment vote.

We need to give her a response.

I'm way behind.
If I keep talking, I'm gonna vomit.

Jonah?

Yeah. What's up, you fuckin' Lorax?

Hey, Dan, if you're trying to
get a statement to the Veep, it's this...

Full commitment to the President,
total backing.

No, no, no, no. She will support him,
but she will not back him.

- He's too toxic.
- No, full backing, full support.

Oh, God, this zipper is like
a cheese grater on my dick.

(MIKE LAUGHS)

Lorax. (HUFFING)

So which one of us do you think
Andre the Giant Jagoff is gonna obey?

- Jonah?
- Yeah.

- 100 bucks says you.
- Really?

He's an idiot.

I'm surprised he gets to work without being
hit by a car or punched in the mouth.

- Hi!
- Excuse me.

Ma'am, Amy says, "I give my support to the
President in this very challenging time."

Emphasize it's important
to respect the process of the hearing.

She needs a get-out.

Cut to the chase, Amy.
I'm being overtaken by a banana.

(PANTING) I can't breathe. Oh,
I can't breathe. Oh, Jesus.

Ma'am.
Ma'am, I need you to speed up or slow down.

We can't have you
in a photo finish with a banana.

- Yeah.
- It's a caption contest waiting to happen.

Yeah, I'm not gonna get beaten by a banana.

(CROWD CHEERING)

REPORTER 1: Madam Vice President!
Madam Vice President!

- REPORTER 2: Well done.
- Thank you.

- REPORTER 2: Nice job.
- Thank you.

- Not bad, considering, huh?
- Yeah.

Feels good to get moving, guys.

Oh, my God, it gets the blood pumping.

You know, the key really, folks,
to a healthy lifestyle is exercising well.

- Thank you.
- Any comment on the impeachment rumors?

I have, of course,
given my full account of what I knew,

and now I'm sure
the President will do the same.

- Yeah, that's all you get. That's it, that's it.
- (REPORTERS CONTINUE QUESTIONING)

Come on, put your hands above your head.

- Put your... Get them up.
- (WHEEZING)

DAN: Come on, buddy. Let's go.

- Mike, come on.
- Well done, ma'am.

(SIGHS) I am done.

Mmm-hmm. Yes, ma'am, you're all done.

I mean, I am done. I am
done with all of it.

The vice presidency... I mean, forget it.

Seriously, Amy.

You can see what's coming, can't you?

He's gonna implicate me in all of this.

All of it. (EXHALES DEEPLY)

And then it's gonna be two years
of standing next to this man that I loathe.

- Is this just the St. John's wort talking?
- Look at me.

I'm covered in scabs. (SNIFFS)

I smell like a hobo's craphole.

Forget it. Forget it.

I'm not gonna run with him in two years.
I'm not gonna be his Vice President.

I'm finished.

I'll come back in six years
and I'll save the party from itself.

Hey, do you know what my time was,
by the way?

- What's good?
- Like an eight-minute mile.

- That.
- Yeah?

Yeah, let's get moving...

Oh.

- (COUGHING) on, my God.
- (SIRENS WAILING)

That was really rough.

(SIGHS)

Hey, Mike, I have some sort of hazy memory

of me promising to buy your boat.

Yeah, you did. Well remembered.

That's not gonna happen.
You can't hold me to that, right?

Yeah, no. Sure. Of course.

Man, that is low.

That's like trying to have sex
with somebody who's passed out.

Hey, ma'am. (CLEARS THROAT)

About my parents' party...

What? I thought your parents were dead.

No.

- No?
- No.

Um...

It's their 40th wedding anniversary,

and you wanted to come,
and we were gonna go dancing.

You know, it's gonna be a big blowout.

Okay, I'm the Vice President
of the United States.

- Uh-huh, yeah.
- You know.

I can't be running off to shindigs put
on by the parents of people on my staff.

- Yeah.
- You know what I mean? That's completely...

- Yeah, sure.
- Absurd, you know?

I mean, you've never even
mentioned your parents before.

- I've just always assumed that they were dead.
- Great.

I mean, why wouldn't I
make that assumption?

Why wouldn't... Right. Yeah, totally. Yeah.

All right, let's back up for a second here.

Your parents are not dead.

Nope. Mmm-mmm.

It's so funny
that you thought that they were, too.

MIKE: I thought you were adopted.