Veep (2012–…): Season 2, Episode 10 - D.C. - full transcript

O'BRIEN: A cloud of suspicion
hangs over this administration.

Were there cover-ups? Lies?

Oh, God. I hate impeachments.

They're so '90s.

Well, the President now has the Senate
and the House after him.

Gonna rain pain.

So what's POTUS's next move, Jonah?

Oh, these lips are on lockdown.

Right. You don't know.

No, I just have a "don't ask, don't tell"
policy about the things that I know.

Or that I don't know.



Jonah, don't talk, don't stay.

You need to fuck off
and go back to Westworld.

- But, ma'am...
- You need to fuck off.

- But, ma'am...
- I said fuck off.

- Three fucks, you're out.
- Yes, ma'am.

SELINA: Yeah. Uh, guys,
everybody in my office, please.

Um, Gary,
why don't you come sit here next to me?

Okay.

SELINA: I've already told Amy this,

but I have something
that I need to tell you all.

I think I know what you're gonna say.

I've decided I'm not going to join POTUS
in the next election.

I'm gonna get out.

Yeah.



Ma'am, you have my deepest,
deepest sympathies.

Okay, Well, I'm not dead. (CHUCKLES)

My plan is that I'm gonna
leave in two years,

but then I'm gonna run for president
four years after that.

But in the meantime,
I obviously can't keep everybody on.

No, it's okay.

So, um, if you need to look for other jobs,

then you need to be thinking about that.

No one's thinking about that
right now, ma'am.

- Furthest thing from our minds.
- I'm still digesting the information.

Although I should really take this call.

- Yeah?
- SELINA: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, your devotion to this job...

- Yeah. Yeah.
- It's just inspiring, Dan.

He's not getting a call.
He's making a call, right?

Hi. Yes, uh...

Can you please tell Governor Chung

that Dan Egan is ready for the Chung chat?

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

Hi, Senator McKensie. How are you?

You really think she'll go?

God, that's such a shame.

No, it means I have
absolutely nothing to do.

Oh, I meant for her.

Still, this might mean
that we could spend more time together.

Let's take it one day at a time.

- Sweet Jesus.
- (BOTH LAUGHING)

Thank you so much for seeing me
at such short notice, Mr. Davison.

Happy to, Miss Wilson.

I'm, uh, an ardent admirer
of your efficiency and precision.

Oh, well, in that case,
let's get right to it.

Excellent. I respect your brevity.

It's almost threatening.

Yes, Congressman Kosynski.

Or should I say mentor Kosynski?

Yes, sir.
Well, I always thought of you as a mentor.

The father figure my own dad was
too weird and distant to be.

AMY: Like that night that you stayed over

- and we read the papers the next morning?
- Uh-huh.

That was really nice.

And I thought, yeah, that is something

that I could do for the rest of my life.

Yeah, well, you know,
I like sleep and newspapers

- as much as the next person, but...
- Right.

The rest of your life?

You know, you're gonna get bedsores.

I would have no problem
finding you a position

within my Dream Metric team. Sound good?

- Yes, sir.
- We are simpatico.

- We have a deal.
- Pleasure doing business with you, sir.

Yes, yes. Justice Blackwell, how are you?

Thank you so much for calling me back.

- You fast?
- Oh, yeah.

They call me the Washington Flash.

(LAUGHS) I doubt that.

All right, let's get this over with ASAP.

It's not gonna be easy with this big, gangly
piss flap over here who moves like...

Hey, what do you move like, Will?

I move as slowly as a Mississippi detective

investigating the murder
of a young black man.

(LAUGHS) That's right. Ready, Mike?

Yeah... Oh, right behind you.

Hey, ma'am, you know you're gonna break
the President's heart with this news.

Wish I could break his spine.

But I can't, 'cause it's made of Jell-O.

Come on, you being Veep is the best thing
that's ever happened to America.

Gary, it has been shit.

- No, it hasn't.
- It has. I'm getting out.

- Oh, Madam Vice President.
- Oh, what did I tell you earlier?

- Again?
- Yeah.

Excuse me, Ben. Gonna go see the President.

Uh, no. No, you're not. He's canceled.

And, uh, you're gonna meet with me instead.

Ah, ma'am, that is what
I was going to tell you earlier today

- until you told me to...
- Fuck off.

Are you finishing my sentence
or are you telling me that again?

Both.

Yes, ma'am.

Good. Go ahead.

Congressman... (LAUGHS)

Wow, you're fast.

Just wondering if
you could use a top press guy.

Ha! I really don't have any need for
you, Mike. You're kind of obsolete.

You're like a Viking stuck in time.

- I have excellent contacts.
- Really?

"Very high up people, sir. Very high up.
- Oh.

Maybe you can hook me up
with Charlize Theron.

Funny, but I'm being serious, sir.

No, I'm being serious, too.

- I'd like to fuck her.
- (EXHALES DEEPLY)

Why'd you leave anyway? You get stuck
with your dick in the Veep's decaf?

(PUFFS) No, we just all
need new challenges.

We? What, is the whole team leaving?

- No, no. No, sir.
- Holy shit.

- She's leaving the ticket.
- No, absolutely not.

We had a fucking deal.

I make Senate in two years,
we run together as a team in six.

- That was the deal.
- Why don't you fucking kill yourself, Will?

Let me be clear, sir.
She may be planning to run in six years

if she was leaving the ticket,

which I have not actually said she will.

Oh, fucking God, thank you for stopping.

- (PANTING)
- You know what? If I didn't already know

how shitty you are at your job,
you just proved it.

I have some very big news, ma'am.

Well, I have huge news.

In fact, I guarantee you
that my news is front-page news.

Your news is probably more like a page six,

Kardashian crap news.

Uh, POTUS knows how
this is all going to end,

so he drank the poisoned Kool-Aid
from my very big, blue mug.

- Huh?
- He isn't going to run again in two years.

Are you serious?

No, I'm Joan fucking Rivers.
Of course I'm serious.

Once the party leadership figures out
he's not gonna run,

then all the impeachment bullshit
is just gonna fade away.

So, um...

So why didn't he tell me this?
Why are you telling me this?

Because he couldn't stomach the look,
like that,

just like that, of unbridled joy.

Ben, I am crying

very quietly on the inside.

While in your mind
you're doing pirouettes on his grave.

Oh, don't tell me you're not happy about
this. You're finally getting out of here.

Well, it's not the job that's depressing.

Life is depressing.

(DOOR OPENS)

Let's go.

No, I've got it. I can do this. I'm fine.

(SUPPRESSED SQUEAL)

(QUIETLY) Yes!

Fuck! Gosh!

(CLEARS THROAT)

Hi, Sue.

Uh, we'd like to see the Vice President
as a matter of some urgency.

- No.
- Fuck this, I'm going in the side door.

You do and Secret Service
might break your neck.

- That would be a tragedy.
- Yeah? Ma'am.

- Oh, hi, Roger.
- Can we talk?

Of course we can talk.
Hey, could I have my yogurt, please?

Oh, here. Don't eat it too fast.

Oh, stop it, nervous Nellie.

All right, get me something
sloppy with a spoon to eat.

- Do you want some yogurt?
- No, thanks.

- You look good, by the way.
- ROGER: Oh, thanks.

- What, are you working out or what?
- Ahh, yeah,

I'm burning calories
with the old anxiety diet.

- Oh.
- You know, the anxiet.

If you want to get some cardio exercise,
you have to have a heart.

I heard a pretty lousy rumor

that you're not running
for reelection with POTUS in two years.

- Oh.
- And that would be disturbing

because I kind of need
you to run as VP again.

- Mmm.
- And then I get in the Senate

and then you and I run together as a team.

- Remember, that was the deal.
- Yeah, I remember that.

Where did you hear this rumor?

Oh, I heard it from the Gingerhead Man.

The gash with the stash. McLintock.

What, are you kidding me?

Mike sees knowledge as the enemy.
Forget about that.

Then you are running
with the President in two years?

I am absolutely running in two years.

And then four years after that,
reelection, baby.

What do you mean reelection?

Not reelection. Election at that time.

- Yep. Right.
- You and I election.

Wait. But why did you say reelection?

- What?
- You said reelection.

Which implies that perhaps
something else is going on.

I meant election. You know what I meant.

- But you said reelection.
- I meant election, okay?

It's like saying flammable or inflammable.

- It's the same thing.
- I smell a fucking rat.

- Oh, stop it.
- You know that? I'll tell you what it is, too.

It's this whole administration.

And I'm gonna light a fire
under the whole thing.

Then we'll find out whether
it's flammable or inflammable.

ROGER: Come on, Wilbo Faggins, let's go.

Okay, where are my beautiful veeple people?

There's one.

I need my veeple
to come into my office, please.

Hey, it's J-Diddy. Ladies get giddy.

- Jonah. Hey, listen, settle something for me.
- Okay.

You like to have sex and
you like to travel?

- Yes, ma'am.
- Then you can

(MOUTHS) fuck off.

But I shall be right here if you need me.

Like the mighty oak that
stands for... Ma'am.

Um, I have something to say.

I've literally no idea
what you're gonna say.

I'm not leaving. POTUS is leaving.

He's not gonna run for a second term.

- I'm gonna run.
- Oh, my God!

- I'm gonna run for president!
- Yeah!

- That's awesome.
- I did not see that coming.

- Selina Meyer, she deals 'em fire. Barn!
- (LAUGHING)

Boom! Let's go to the fucking moon!

I was this close to living on my boat.

- Oh, my God. I'm just...
- Congratulations, ma'am.

(STAMMERING) Can you give me
some time with my core team?

- Um... (STUTTERS)
- Ed.

- Ed.
- Of course.

I feel as though I may
have missed something.

If you need to fill me in on that...

Hey, what happened in there?

They're celebrating
because you weren't in there.

Gears are already turning.

- I see a light bulb above your head.
- Bing!

Okay, now listen, so...

You guys don't need to take other jobs.

You're here with me.

Uh, I've accepted a number of posts.

- Did you say a number?
- Currently four.

Wow. You're gonna cancel them, right?

Oh, clearly. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

I've said no to everything, ma'am.
I am here for you.

- Good.
- Hey, ma'am.

I took a job also.

- I didn't mean you, Gary.
- I know.

What job?

I'm going into business with Dana

and we're doing D&G Cheese Overseas.

- Cheese?
- And it's overseas.

Wait a minute.
You're choosing dead milk over me?

No, don't say that. That's not true.

Well, you're just gonna have to tell her
you're not gonna do that.

I can't. I can't tell her that.

Why not? Are you scared of her?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Gary, you cannot let this woman
have control over you, okay?

Seriously, you have got
to stick up for yourself.

- You gotta work for me.
- Right. Right.

(WHISPERS) She scares me a lot.

All right, call her in and
I'm gonna talk to her.

- Okay?
- Okay, yeah. Got it.

Ma'am, science fair in 30 minutes.

Okay, you go deal with that
and you cover for Gary, okay?

You trust me with that Leviathan?

Uh, ma'am, I left my BlackBerry in...

Okay, now listen, I got
this science fair thing.

So I want to make my speech

- a little bit more presidential.
- Yeah.

Like I'm Marilyn Monroe,
just JFK the fuck out of me.

- Oh, I got something.
- You do?

- Yeah, I do. I got something.
- SELINA: Fantastic.

I'm just completely in the dark. If...

I'm gonna go call Andrew.
Mmm, mmm, mmm.

- Uh, uh...
- No, no, no, it's all about crazy money, Ame.

He's got the crazy money

and I'm crazy enough to go get it.
(LAUGHS)

As long as it's strictly business.

Andy? It's me.

It's Lee.

Can you come here?

(SELINA LAUGHING)

DANA: Oh, there he is.

Hey, quit being so hot.
You're gonna melt all my cheese.

- Hi, you.
- Hi, sweetie. Hi.

Hey, what's wrong?

You look like you did
when I asked you to talk dirty.

- You were just like, "I'm in you right now."
- I know, I know.

Stop, stop.
I wanted to talk to you about something.

Selina's gonna stay.

Okay. Well, that ship has sailed.

You're on the good ship Pecorino now.

Yeah, I'm gonna stay, too, I think.

- No. No.
- Okay, listen...

- Where's the Toscano?
- It's at D12.

That's right over there, okay?
She needs me.

It's like I'm her central nervous system.

Honey, she'll get another bag bunny,
I just know it.

No, Brett, it's further down.
That's the Sardo, buddy.

Okay, I'm not a bag bunny.

It's like I'm Selina's
soul mate over there.

Okay, I love the stinking
shit out of you, Gary.

I know you do.

She doesn't love you, okay?
She doesn't care.

- You're just a guy that does a job for her.
- She does care.

- That's not true.
- Who's more important to you?

- Me or her?
- Okay, that choice, there's no way...

Do we have any with black truffle?

That's F15. Okay? F15.

Listen, the choice you're giving me
between you and her, that's impossible.

Sorry, not black truffle.
I meant white truffle.

That's next to the black truffle, okay.
What the fuck is wrong with you, Brett?

This is not a big place, is it?
It's not a big place.

I'm sorry. Would you guys like some space?

- Yeah!
- No! Stay right where you are.

Okay, listen, she wants to talk to you.

- She wants to explain this to you.
- Fine.

- Okay? Please?
- I'll go.

I'm not afraid to fight for you, Gary.
That's the truth.

No, no, no. Bah, bah, bah, bah.

Let's literally not fight, all right?

Okay? That's good cheese.

Amy, this is really happening.

You know, listen, just
ignore that earlier me.

The Little House on the Prairie bullshit.

No, updated me, totally career focused
and shooting for the White House.

- Of course, and I am right behind/beside you.
- Mmm-hmm.

You, Chief of Staff to the President,

- me, chief of sexiness and spooning.
- (AMY TYPING)

Yeah, but, um, as I said,
the focus right now has got to be...

- (KNOCK ON DOOR)
- Hey, Amy, can I talk to you about something?

Accidental dick move.

I, uh, had to write Selina's speech
for the science fair so fast

that I, uh, think I plagiarized a speech
that I wrote for Chung.

So here's Selina's hard copy

and Chung's is already up on his YouTube.

I met a young woman name Juanita.

- Oh, here's the bit.
- It's not about what America means to me.

- It's what I mean to America-
- (CHUCKLES)

Because America would be nothing
without Americans.

Jesus, you wrote this shit?

Yeah, it's like a noun-verb gumbo.

So it's the fictitious girl.
I gave her the same girl.

Although I did change it
from Juanita to Anita.

Oh, that's a brilliant plan.

Why don't you change
America to Shmamerica?

Yeah, I'm calling Mike.

No, I already tried him.
It went straight to voice mail.

SELINA: I met this young scientist
named Anita.

- And I said to her...
- You got a charger?

- Shh. I'm trying to watch.
- Okay, champ.

And she said,
"it's not what science means to me,

"it's what I mean to science."

Let's do this one first. This is a map-able
social media cloud for pets.

- Oh, I'm impressed with that.
- Home run.

Listen, let me tell you something.
Three words.

Caucus, primary, money.

- Right?
- Go big.

- No, four words. Money again. Right?
- (LAUGHS)

'Cause that's what we need.
Mike, we need a lot of money.

This is Rachel and Erica over here, ma'am.

- Oh, wow, what is this?
- It's an ant kibbutz.

Okay. I would love to look at that.

Oh, and I just had a thought.

- Remember that Iowa steak fry thing?
- Mmm-hmm.

- We need to go to that.
- Yeah.

Seriously, 'cause there's
a lot of money there.

- And steak.
- And steak. I love it. (LAUGHS)

So, I know what
you're thinking, Madam Vice President.

- You do? Uh-oh.
- A confined space, right?

But it's a humane environment.

- Well, from up here, they look like ants.
- (MIKE LAUGHS)

- That's a joke.
- (GIRLS LAUGH)

- Because they are ants.
- This way, ma'am.

- This is some kind of robot.
- Really? That's it?

- Would you excuse me?
- Hey, Joe fucking Slow.

You ever think about answering your phone?

Chill out. I lost my charger. You got one?

You're at a science fair. One of these
kids could build you a charger.

What's the problem?

Ben's been trying to get in touch
with the Veep all day.

All right, well, she's busy.

Sorry there, Todd. Just real quick.

- Oh.
- Matters of state.

Uh, sir, yes, I have
the Vice President for you. It's Ben.

- Give her a little space.
- Hi, Ben. How's it going?

Furlong has been spraying all over town

that you think POTUS is gonna quit.

What? I didn't say anything
to that crusty ass clown.

I might have mixed up a
couple words, but...

Well, now POTUS can't say
that he won't be running for reelection

because it'll look like
he's being pushed out.

So now our spineless,
flip-floppy fuck bag is staying.

- Oh, boy.
- Ls everything okay?

I've got to get out of here
before I set fire to one of these nerds.

- Okay, okay, let's go.
- That's my phone.

- Thank you. Thank you.
- Madam Vice President.

- No.
- We're so sorry. She really likes it,

but unfortunately she's
out of time, you guys.

But this man right here
is gonna take over for her.

Don't fuck this up. This is a public
relations nightmare waiting to happen.

Promise them everything. Thank you, kids.

(SIREN WAILING)

- Ma'am, are you...
- (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

(MUFFLED SCREAMING)

DAN: I thought you'd like this spot.

DC's current go-to place
for these off-the-record meets.

Hmm, good choice. Under the radar,
as we used to say in the military.

Yeah, I think other people say that, too.

It's about loyalty to the truth.

And to the American people.

Furlong and Doyle
have turned their guns on the President.

That's the worst kind of friendly fire.

The unfriendly kind.

Yeah, oh, Danny,
I just want to let you know, uh,

one of your anecdotes may have accidentally

made its way into a Veep speech via me.

And I'd really appreciate it
if you could let this one slide.

Selina's a plagiarist? That's perfect.

You just handed me a silver bullet.

And as you know, I'm a good shot.

I might back away, though,
from calling her a liar.

After all, you didn't really meet anyone
named Juanita who said that.

No, I did. As I recall,
it went something like, uh...

(SPANISH ACCENT)
"Mr. Ching, I come to America to work.

"I send money home,
but life here is so hard for me."

I didn't know you did voices.

(LAUGHS)

Sue, come here.

- Where's Dan?
- He stepped out.

Um...
(CLEARS THROAT)

POTUS has decided that he is, uh, staying,

and he is going to seek
reelection after all.

Of course he wants to stay.

Could you just not...

So he's running for a second term,

which means I won't be
running for a first term.

So there's no point in my staying.
I'm just gonna leave.

- So he changed his mind again?
- SELINA: Yeah.

Jesus, the inside of his head
must be like an Escher drawing.

SUE: Ma'am, Andrew is here to see you.

Oh, good, more hurt and disappointment.

There is one other thing that, uh...

And I'm so sorry to let you down,

but I'm gonna stay with Selina.

You think you get to decide
on whether or not I hire you?

There are plenty of Dans out there, Dan.
Look around.

(SCOFFS) Sorry, kid.

Hey, don't call me kid, okay?

I mean, A, you're not
Jimmy Cagney, all right?

And B, we're practically
the same fucking age.

Oh, then it must really hurt to know
how much more I've achieved in life.

- Decorated veteran. President-in-waiting.
- (SIGHS)

Oh, okay. Do you see this?
See this right here?

You know what this is? This is me playing
"Fuck You" on the world's biggest cello.

Oh, I think someone
just suicide bombed their own future.

Oh, God, you know,
if I had a dollar for every time

you mentioned that goddamn war,

I would buy a tank
and I would blow your fat fucking head off.

- Wow. Well, I'm sorry, Dan.
- (CELL PHONE CHIMES)

I hate to leave a man down,
but I'll see you around.

Danny. Danny, hey.

Are you fucking kidding me?

You brought me over here for nothing?

Are you really talking
to me like this right now?

- I have shit to do.
- I am in a bad way.

Honestly, it's so out of line.

- SELINA: It's so out of line.
- It is.

You get fucked by everybody in DC...

Your friends, your enemies,

your colleagues, your fucking family.

That's Washington, DC, for you.

DC. District of Cunts.

Ma'am, you remember Sally, T.J. and Paul.

This is my nerd herd.
And I mean that affectionately.

Jonah, this is a restricted area.

We're like Area 51 except more restricted.

- Jonah, can you come here just for a second?
- Yeah.

Um, do you want to fill me in
as to what's going on right now?

Yes, ma'am.
Your abrupt exit from the science fair.

Mike needed a PR fix, so you have to
give these guys a West Wing tour.

- What?
- Uh, ma'am.

This has got to stop.

You should be aware
that the President is on his way.

Hey, why don't we go sit
on these chairs for a second?

What did you say?
The President is coming here?

- Yes.
- Why? He never comes here.

I don't know.
Information-wise, I am becalmed.

- The President is coming here?
- Gary, Dana just cleared security.

This is anarchy.

Hey, ma'am,
is now a bad time to talk to Dana?

- Yeah!
- Okay, let me just go fix that.

I'll fix that.

- Hey. Hey.
- Gary who I'm gonna marry.

- Fiancé in the house.
- Oh, ooh!

This is not a good time, baby.

- I brought the Pecorino Duo Grande sampler.
- Oh.

- Shaved and grated.
- Okay, I'll just give this to her.

But why? Oh, my God, is it Selina?

Right? She doesn't like me, is that it?

- Are you kidding? She loves you.
- Then what is it?

Shh, shh.

- POTUS is coming.
- Oh, my God!

There's a lot of security
and he doesn't like a lot of people around.

He should get the basket.
Right? We'll get him to tweet about it.

It'll be great publicity.
You know I'm right.

Is he gonna drop me from the ticket?
Is that what's going on?

- He's gone postal.
- I have no idea.

- Ma'am.
- What?

- You've got to mellow yellow.
- Don't tell me not to panic.

I know how to freak out, okay?

Everybody can just shut the shit up.

- I got to think.
- Okay.

- We know what she's like.
- Andrew, don't talk to me.

Ma'am, should I get Jonah to get the kids...
I'll get Jonah to get the kids out.

Jonah, why don't you put
the kids in my office?

- Mike. Mike.
- Ls the President coming?

- Mike! Mike! Mike!
- Ma'am, I'm coming.

- I'm here. I'm here.
- Come here.

- We got to make a statement.
- Okay.

Because I think POTUS is coming here
to kick me off the ticket.

And I've got to make a statement
saying I'm leaving the ticket

before he drops me from it.

I've got to jump
before we get stabbed in the back.

- Danny Chung is making an announcement.
- What?

I was proud to serve in the military.

I'm proud to serve as a governor.

Today I've set up an exploratory committee

- to look into whether in a couple of years...
- Okay.

I might be of use
serving at an even higher level.

Does she make you happy?
Because I make you happy.

Of course you make me happy, baby.

- Ma'am, we're gonna have to ask you to leave.
- Oh, what is this?

Oh, my God. What's going on?

We are gonna talk about this
when we get home.

- You are my diamond.
- DANA: I am a diamond in the rough.

- I know you're a diamond.
- DANA: Get your hands off me.

I know what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna run against Chung.

Okay? I'm gonna take myself off the ticket.

I'll run against Chung
and I'll run against POTUS.

It'll be like a political massacre.

Quit freaking out.
You need to get your head together.

What do you mean I need to get
my head together?

The President's gonna be here any second.

Lookie, lookie, lookie, lookie.

- This is for you.
- What?

It's like a Pecorino peace offering.

What the crippling fuck
is going on with you?

- I got rid of Dana.
- You've got to get out of here.

- Get out of here.
- I have POTUS incoming!

- I have POTUS incoming!
- Make a statement, Mike.

- About what? About what?
- Everything.

All possible statements
that you can even think of.

Okay, I'll come up with something.
I'll come up with something.

- Let's go say hi to POTUS.
- Don't talk to me like I'm a crazy person.

I didn't mean to. it came out weird.

JONAH: Make a hole, yo.
POTUS coming through. Make a hole.

You're not the President.

No, but you're not Justin Bieber either,
are you, sport?

Ma'am. POTUS is here.

Where?

Has he been miniaturized?

Uh, he's right in that room.

Would you care to join him in your office?

Uh...

(CLICKS TONGUE)

- Am I about to get whacked?
- No, no, no.

No, it's good to see you again. Take care.

Your boss wants to see you.
Don't keep him waiting.

(SIGHS)

What's going on here?

Is it Bring a Disparate Person to Work Day?

Uh, Selina is about to get
a Potal bullet through the head

and you are all
about to be unemployed and homeless.

But, Amy, I don't want you to worry.
You can crash at my place.

We're so fucked. We're so fucked.

We've fucked DC over so
many different ways,

no one's gonna hire us now.

How am I gonna pay for my fucking boat?

Enough about the fucking boat, Mike.

Take a flare gun, put it in your mouth
and blow your head off.

Listen to yourselves.
You people are monsters.

Ed, you really need to can it right now.
Do not comment on this office, okay?

Hey, Sue, don't talk to me that way, okay?

You're the secretary to the Vice President.

- That's like being Garfunkel's roadie, okay?
- (GASPS)

So this is Selina's team in action.

- That explains a lot to me.
- Likewise.

Yeah, well, they're actually
better than my team.

My team is just fucking horrible.

Ma'am?

Hi.

I think I know what you're gonna say,
but I don't wanna jinx it.

POTUS is not

gonna be running for a second term.

- GARY: Oh, my God!
- I'm gonna run.

Whoa, whoa!

Ma'am, give me the straight poop here.

- Is this for real?
- It's totally for real.

Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you.

- Can we make it public?
- No, no, no, no.

We got to wait for POTUS
to make a statement.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Mmm.

(LAUGHING)

Ma'am, of all the places
that I have liaised,

I have enjoyed liaising here the most.

Okay, guys, we don't want to get ahead
of ourselves here.

- We've got a lot of work.
- AMY: Yep, a long road ahead.

- Uh, right?
- And we're going all the way.

And for the record, ma'am,
I always believed in you.

Well, I have to say that
I believed in me, too.

- AMY: Of course.
- Yeah.

POTUS, he knew the gig was up

because Doyle, Furlong, Chung

all turned the party against him.

I mean, it was just, you know, RIP-OTUS.

- Just complete sinking shit.
- (ALL LAUGHING)

No, he had to go.
Together we are going to make history.

We're going to the White House, ma'am.

Boom, boom, pow.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Wow.

(ALL LAUGHING)

My brain is at your service, ma'am.

- We'll see.
- Ma'am, I am so psyched.

And the science fair speech
was plagiarized from Chung.

Just wanted you to know that up front.

- What? What? What? What?
- Yep.

- You're kidding.
- No.

- And so it begins.
- Yeah, with a kick to the tits.

So, Dan, you're gonna have to clean up
your own shitty diaper.

- Got it? Oh, wait a minute.
- Not a problem.

You know what? We got to talk
about the campaign, don't we?

- Okay. I'm right behind you.
- Okay, great.

Gary, call Dana. She's called 90 times.

- GARY: Shit.
- Talk to her, then sedate her.

Ma'am, the President has left the building.

- Who gives a flying fuck?
- (ALL LAUGHING)

- AMY: Not yet.
- Sorry. I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it.

Ma'am, West Wing.

- This is your fault.
- No, no.

I didn't arrive soon enough
to be able to cut out the cancer.

Oh, no, I think you arrived
with a man bag filled with tumors.

That was POTUS's problem.

Because he relied on those two guys.

One a burned-out loser,
the other a conniving robot.

- Crazy.
- Bad combo, yeah.

- Oh, hello, kids.
- Come on in.

Oh, my God,
have you been here this whole time?

M&Ms for the scientists.

So come with me 'cause I've got an idea.

I might show you around the West Wing.

- (GARY SCREAMS)
- Would you?

- Do you like government?
- ALL: Yes.

- And do you like politics?
- Yeah.

Oh, good. Because politics is about people,
don't you think?

- Yeah.
- SELINA: It is when you think about it.

'Cause without people,
you can't have politics.

See how crowded this is?
I mean, it's very claustrophobic.

I think that the President
should only have her staff here.

Or his staff. You know, their staff.

I mean, I've never seen...
Like that one we just passed,

I don't know who that person is.
I've never seen that person in my life.

No business being here.

Selina did not plagiarize
Danny Chung's speech.

Mike's already told you that.

No, I am not plagiarizing Mike.

I know it's boring, but, hey, I'm boring.

Those curtains there are going.

Wow. Those are hideous.

- We're still together, right?
- Ed, I haven't got time.

Time for us
or do you mean time as a general concept?

Hi, Terry. I am sorry I missed your call.

Hi, Dana. Hey. Hey, listen.

I just wanted to say that...

Okay. Okay. If you've got
something to say, you go first.

Was your mom plagiarizing the Bible
when she said, "Oh, God, oh, God"?

The President's chair
is a couple inches higher

than the rest of the
chairs in the Oval Office.

And I used to think,
"Oh, my God, that's so ridiculous."

But now I think it makes sense

because I think
it's a good psychological trick.

Yeah, that's what I...
Oh, you're not finished? Go ahead.

Oh, she loved the cheese. (LAUGHS)

Loved it.

When I grow up,
I want to be vice president just like you.

Ah, no, you don't. You
want to be president.