Veep (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Baseball - full transcript

DAN: The whole Chick-fil-A
narrative is just...

l mean, if l may, sir, it's...
lt's food-nomenal, really. lt really is.

MAN 1: With that construction outside, man,

l was stuck in traffic for two hours.

My bladder was like a fucking blimp.

You should maybe talk some more
to the food manufacturing guys

and the health advisors.

SELlNA: Yeah.

Come on, ma'am, just some small talk.
Even tiny talk will do.

Yeah, l know. l'm gonna do it.

MAN 2: God, what a waste of a morning.



If you ever want me to confess,
don't rip out my fingernails,

just make me eat like a vegan
for a fucking week.

The VP look like
she's about ready to open up a vein.

You okay?
You seem to be phoning it in a little.

You know what, Amy?

I'm the Veep l never wanted to be.

I'm talking salad wraps
and body mass index to these idiots.

You should really just go and...

Yeah, l know, feel my
soul slide out of my ass.

All right, here. You take that.

I'm building up the energy right now.

This smells like the inside of a taxi cab.

- Hi, guys.
- Hello.

Hello.



Not too much longer,
we'll get the group shot taken

and then you guys can get moving.

Awesome!

What a productive morning.

Can you envision selling some of these
items at any of your stores, do you think?

- Oh, sure.
- Yeah. Some wraps, maybe.

- Yeah, wraps.
- Grapes.

I mean, grapes are always good, right?

Grapes are... Hey, you can't beat grapes.

Those yellow things look... So...

Well, l'll tell you it's all local

- and it's all organic.
- Wow.

Orgasmic is more like it, right?

L'll have some of what you're having.

- Do you have a zoom on that thing?
- Oh, Ken, you know what?

We don't have to have pictures
taken here right now, okay?

- Sorry.
- Oh, no. lt's fine.

You back to D.C. tonight, Gary?

Yeah, l'm leaving a little bit earlier.

- My dad is having his birthday dinner.
- Nice.

No, he...

He has very little respect for my job.

He'd actually much rather me work here.

In catering?

No, a baseball stadium.

A man's man, a jock. (GRUNTS)

One of those guys.

Wow, that's got to be tough.

Yeah, tell me about it.

I meant for him.

- AMY: Jesus.
- Okay, you know what, Ken?

- Not so close, okay?
- Okay.

Nobody needs to know which of
my eyebrow hairs needs to be plucked.

- Okay? All right.
- Sorry.

What's going on with this group shot?

- What's the delay?
- Lt's not much longer, ma'am.

Just keep smiling.

Turn that frown... (CLlCKS TONGUE)

upside-down.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Do you see that he keeps touching me?

- Yeah, l've noticed.
- And his hands are really small.

It's his feely, little, touchy, hot hands.

Someone needs to tell him that
he's working with the White House

and not Penthouse.

Hey, can l talk to you
privately just for a second?

Okay.

The whole thing that you guys have done
with Krispy Kreme is just...

lf l may, it's food-nomenal, really.

So you know that l've
been seeing Ted, right?

Mm-hmm.

A while ago,

a lot of wine was drunk
and Springsteen was listened to

and things got a little bit out of hand.

You stole a car?

We had unprotected sex,

and l think l might be pregnant.

It's a possibility, Amy.

I haven't reached menopause yet, you know.

I'm not barren. l know it's unlikely.

I could probably have
unprotected sex with 30 men,

one right after the other,
and it would be totally fine.

I mean, no, it wouldn't be totally fine.
I mean, that would be a horrible thing.

I'm not doubting your fertility, ma'am.

But an unwed mother
one aneurism away from the presidency?

How do you think that plays?

The bag has got one big storage area

and then there are
60 separate pockets within the area.

- Wow!
- Right?

- That is a lot to remember, Gary.
- L know, l know.

But can you do it without looking?

Try me.

Eye drops.

- Ooh.
- Ooh.

- Wipes.
- Scented, unscented?

Scented.

- Bam!
- Wow!

- Knock it.
- That's unbelievable.

I hope l'm not pregnant, because, fuck,
if l am, l'm just finished, you know?

- Ma'am.
- Let's get moving!

- (SELlNA CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
- Huh.

- You know you'll have to keep it.
- L know.

Unless we go on some sort of
special vacation to Mexico

and kill the doctor in the desert.

Father know?

What, are you kidding me? What am l, 1 5?

- L mean Ted.
- Oh, shit. No.

No. l'm still working on that one.

What are you shooting with?

This is a 5D.

- Not a 1 D?
- No.

Why would l need a 1 D to shoot this?

- L have a 1 D.
- Huh.

It's more expensive,
but it's a really nice camera.

You shoot a lot of sports? Moving action?

You take hundreds of pictures
of herons catching fish?

Because otherwise you don't need a 1 D.

Right, but l have a 1 D.

Yeah.

Hey, will you do me a favor?

Can you get me a real coffee instead of this
fucking beige paint they're serving, okay?

Grande skinny latte, extra shot,
and a dash of cinnamon?

Yeah.

Can l get some of the...

- This is what we're gonna do.
- What?

Photos with the nutritionists,
hang with the players, over to the school,

- then we pregnancy test you to fuck.
- Okay.

Listen, will you get the tests
on the way to the school, please?

Absolutely. l'm heading there right now.

Obviously this is in our
little circle of two.

- Obviously.
- Yeah.

(CELL PHONE RlNGlNG)

MlKE: Hey, Jonah.
How's the weather up there in your asshole?

Oh, that's cute, Mike. How's it going?

Good, good. Just going over my notes
for the press briefing.

Hey, did you get those
local business initiatives

l sent over from the President?

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Looking at them right now.

- Thank you. They're very helpful.
- Oh, good.

I'm glad you're right on top of that.
I can see you, Mike.

What?

Oh. (LAUGHS)

- This is awesome!
- You know what, Mike?

One day you're gonna wake up

and you're gonna find
your lungs have turned to pastry.

Gotta go, Jonah. Got incoming.

- Mike.
- Amy, what's up?

Selina might be pregnant.
What do we wanna do?

Is this for real?

'Cause if it is, the best
thing for her legacy

is if she's assassinated
before she starts showing.

It's not definite.
She still needs to take some tests.

Okay. l guess
l'll just add this to the press release.

People can start taking bets.

You know that this needs
to be way under the lid.

- Bye.
- All good?

Absolutely.

Let's go knock the socks off
of some seven-year-olds.

Dad, Dad, l like beer.

That was because l cut my lip
trying to open the bottle.

I just can't open it the way you do.

Listen, the Veep and l
are gonna have our photo taken

with the Orioles players. Huh? (LAUGHS)

Yeah, l can get you one.

Shit, yeah. Shit, yeah.

Where the fuck is coffee?

So that whole stadium day
was like a networking orgy for you, right?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Business card bukkake.

You know, you should get something
while we're here.

Razor blades, a large
amount of pain killers.

Holy shit.

Are you pregnant?

Amy, come on, career-wise,
that's like joining Scientology

or getting a fucking neck tattoo.

Thanks for the support.

So l guess you're gonna be
needing maternity leave.

L'd be the obvious choice
for your replacement.

That is literally your first thought?

No. My first thought was,
"There goes your figure."

But l didn't say that 'cause
l thought it would be upsetting.

Thanks. You know, if it's a boy,
maybe l'll name him after you.

Call him fuck weasel.

Ken, is this where l should be?

- Don't be too clustered.
- Yeah, don't be too clustered.

- Thank you. l got it.
- Okay.

So if you could just move a little bit...

- Yeah, a little bit so we're not all on one side.
- Just so we're not all on one side.

- SELlNA: Can you see everybody?
- Thank you. l think they heard me.

KEN: Yes, how about one where we say
"Let's get moving"?

- Let's get moving!
- Let's get moving!

KEN: All right, how about another one?

Another one where we say,
"Awesome avocado!"

- Awesome avocado!
- Awesome avocado!

KEN: Yes, that was great.

All right! Thank you for your patience.

- Thank you so much for being here.
- Ma'am.

- Lt sure... Yes? Yes?
- MAN: Gentlemen.

Construction hit a gas main.

There's a serious leak. Everybody must
stay in here until it's made safe.

Sorry. Because of the danger,
we need everybody to stay in the room.

We'll update you.

Listen, but l can get out of here, right?

Probably in about an hour.

- An hour?
- Yes, ma'am.

We're so excited about
the Vice President's visit.

Oh, we're very excited, too.
Amy's practically having a baby about it.

- Lsn't that right?
- Well, the children are waiting. Right this way.

DAN: Hey, kids. Good afternoon.

- Good afternoon.
- Good afternoon.

My name is Dan. This is Amy.

And we work for the Vice President
of the United States ofAmerica.

- Pretty cool, right? Yeah.
- KlDS: Yay.

Yeah, my man right here.

My dad works in State Department.

Really? What position?

Trade Policy Executive.

So he knows Roger Aldrige?

Uh... l don't know.

Are you networking with an eight-year-old?

- Yeah.
- (CELL PHONE RlNGlNG)

So...

Hold on one second, chief.

- Problem?
- There's a gas main leak.

Selina's gonna be delayed at least an hour.

These kids are gonna go berserk
if they have to wait that long.

- (SlGHS)
- We have to keep them entertained.

Lion King DVD and two shots of Ritalin.

You'll be such a great dad.

That's how l was raised.

All right, shall we, gentlemen? Uh...

Sean, why don't we start
with your question,

before you get the DTs
and you can't write in your notebook?

SEAN: Can you brief
on the new health initiative?

You its poster boy, Mikey?

Actually, though, great question.

You know, we were on the campaign trail
and we saw a woman with a very large boy.

And the Vice President
turned to me and said,

"l'd like to free that boy
from the prison of obesity."

Anybody else?

Leon West, Washington Post.

A source tells me that the VP shit-canned a
Secret Service agent just for smiling at her.

Can you give me a yes
or no on that, please?

Uh, l believe he was reassigned
because of his cologne.

It was Paco Rabanne.

I mean, this is not the
'80s anymore, right?

Nobody wears that stuff. Sean might.

You'd probably rather drink it, though.
Right, Sean?

That's necessary. Thank you, yes.

MlKE: l've seen you.
SEAN: l'm a drunk.

Okay, every which way but douche,

l want you to answer my question now.

I believe you asked a boring question,
Leon, and l gave a boring answer.

That's like carbon offsetting.

(ALL LAUGHlNG)

Mike, Mike, l wouldn't be smiling.
You might lose yourjob.

You understand my point?

You don't find it repugnant that Selina Meyer
let a Secret Service agent go for smiling?

- MlKE: Repugnant?
- Yes.

You're calling the Vice
President repugnant?

That's a very emotive term, sir,
and a little prissy, l might add.

I spent a night in jail when l was 1
9 once. That was more fun than this.

Well, if we get trapped here another
minute, l'm gonna kill you and eat you,

because l will not eat
another fucking falafel.

Hey, Jimmy fucking Olsen,

get lost before l shove
that thing up your ass

and give you another kind
of red eye to worry about.

Okay.

What is going on out there with those two?

- Do you know?
- Yeah, he's all pissed off.

They've been complaining all day

- about the event and the food.
- Oh.

I overhear stuff as l move around.
Plus, l can lip read.

- You can lip read?
- Yeah.

(MOUTHlNG)

Yes, l can tell what you're saying now.

Could you lip read earlier
when l was talking about you to Amy?

- No.
- Oh, that's too bad. lt was all good.

- Thank you.
- Oh, sure.

Amy.

- Amy.
- God, that is a lot of snot.

Hey, can l have my pen back?

Mike, hi. Thank you.

I just wanna warn you,
on top of everything else... Smile story.

Can l get the pen cap, too?
This came with a pen cap.

Amy, what the hell is going on over there?
Are you listening?

Yes, yes. Story. What...

The pen cap. Where was the pen... ln your
mouth? Did you put it in your mouth?

Okay, l just wanna give you
a heads-up, all right?

It's out there. They're
saying she's repugnant.

Oh, my God.

- Hi.
- AMY: I have just had a phone call from Mike.

He said that the press
is saying you are pregnant.

He's saying it's out.

No, it can't be.

What are you talking about? Nobody knows.

He said that Leon West

said that you're pregnant.

Holy f... uck.

I can't move my lips.

Okay, l'm going because Gary's calling.

Don't tell Gary.

No, Amy, they're not gonna let me through.
I'm running out of time here.

My dad needs a picture.

Okay, l need you to get
a pregnancy test for the Veep.

Oh, my... Oh, my God.

- That's kind of exciting.
- No, no.

I can carry the baby around in a
little sling or something like that.

Oh, my... Oh, wait, this is bad
because she's not married, right?

Indeed, and this is strictly need-to-know.

What kind of test do l get?
Are there different kinds?

How do l break it down? What do l get?

I've only got one, so you need
to get as many as you can find, okay?

We need to be sure, okay?

- We need to Shock and Awe this thing.
- Okay.

Hey. So what's the intel on the baby?

Intel.

Copy that. Security clearance denied.

Is Jonah the dad?

Is that why you look like
you wanna drink a bottle of Drano?

I don't blame you.
That's gonna be a long labor.

They're gonna be
pulling that kid out of you in shifts.

- Jonah?
- Yes, ma'am.

We gotta get rid of this whole
prison-yard-vibe feeling.

We gotta do something.

Well, we have to stay within the stadium,

but we could invite the guys down
to meet the Orioles players.

Okay. That's exactly what we're gonna do.

I forgot to find out
something about the players.

- L don't know what to say to them.
- L can help you along.

- Oh, you know about baseball?
- L do, yeah.

- You can be my Gary?
- Yeah.

- Yeah, l'll be the adult version of Gary.
- Okay.

SELlNA: Jonah, can you see me?

Yeah. Give me their numbers.

- I'II go off that.
- Hold on. Let me see.

34.

Jake Arrieta. He's a starting pitcher.

On his left is number 39, Tommy Hunter.
He's a starting pitcher.

- Wait, he's the starting pitcher?
- Yes.

The next gentleman...
Oh, that's Jim Palmer.

Now, he's a hall of famer.

- That guy's a legend.
- Right.

He's a starting pitcher as well.

You don't have multiple starting pitchers.

There's one pitcher's mound.

You see one mound or three mounds?

- L see one mound.
- That's how you play baseball.

They don't pitch on the same day...

You don't have any idea
what you're talking about.

Fucking idiot.

Hello! Hi!

- Honor to meet you, ma'am.
- And you are Jake.

- Yes, ma'am.
- Oh, how nice.

And you're the starting pitcher.

- One of them. Yes, ma'am.
- Oh...

Okay. Wonderful.

- So you must be Tommy.
- L am. l am.

Are you a starting pitcher?

- L am, l am, l am.
- You are a starting...

GARY: Hello, Dad. l'm still at the stadium.
Yeah, yeah.

I'm with the team. My playas.

I will get you that pic, man.

Boom shaka laka.

That's how they talk.

Okay.

Are these all the pregnancy tests you have?

- L think you got them all.
- Okay.

I hope you get the result
you're looking for.

No, it's not for me.

- Lt's my sister.
- L'm sorry?

I just... Did you see that?

See what?

Okay, l just...

ls there any other stuff
l should get for my sister?

Like, um, maternity underwear?

- How long has she been pregnant?
- Oh, God, l don't know.

I don't know anything
about her private life.

I do know, however, that the past few weeks
she has been pretty busy. (CHUCKLES)

- l'd hold off on the maternity underwear.
- Okay. Okay.

Isn't this nice how the lettering
works on these... On these tops?

- Thank you.
- (CELL PHONE RlNGlNG)

Oh, brother. l'm just... You know what?

L've got the Treasury Secretary calling.

Let me take this and l'm gonna be
right back. l'm so sorry. Pardon me.

Hello? Hello, Ted?

Hey. So are you looking for

- a little afternoon delight?
- No.

Listen to me for a second.
I gotta tell you something.

I might be pregnant. AII right?

I'm sorry to have to be so blunt about it,
but l don't have a lot of time.

Guys, can l have five minutes?

- What?
- One second, please.

- Are you still there?
- That's impossible.

No, it's not impossible. l'm not that old.

Oh, my God.

All right, you over that bombshell?

'Cause that bombshell just gave birth
to a bigger bombshell.

The press know about this.

- Oh, fuck.
- L know.

So this is what we're gonna do, all right?

We're getting married.

And the plan is that we got engaged, like,
six weeks ago or something, all right?

You proposed by giving me
some sort of a ring

in a heart-shaped,
fucking oyster thing or something.

You know, the key is in the details,
though, Ted.

- Okay?
- Okay.

Anyway, listen, you've gotta get me a ring.
You've gotta go, you've gotta get a ring now.

And it's gonna have to be a big one.

Well, what size is your finger?

I don't know
how fucking big my finger is, Ted!

Just be a man,

stand up, get the fucking ring, all right?

Okay.

You're fucking kidding.

Ma'am, l'm sorry. l
couldn't help but overhear.

I just... You're getting married.

I wanted to be the first one
to offer my congratulations.

- Okay. Ken?
- Yeah.

Read my lips. Don't read my lips.

- You understand me?
- Yeah.

(MOUTHlNG)

- Okay.
- You got it?

I got it. Okay.

- Let's go.
- Let's go.

Jim Palmer.

- Madam Vice President, nice to meet you.
- What a treat...

- Welcome to Camden Yards.
- Thank you.

- So, Jim, you are a hall of famer.
- They let me in there.

Oh, yes, that is a wonderful thing to
be in... ln the hall of fame, for sure.

- For sure.
- Yes.

Okay.

Okay, it's time for the group photo, right?
All right, great.

Okay, everyone say "Orioles."

- Orioles!
- Great.

- Okay, l guess we're done. We got the shot.
- Got it.

Okay, everybody, thank you so much.

- God bless America.
- Thank you.

Okay, thank you.

- Thank you.
- Okay.

Veep has left the stadium.
She's gonna be here in 20.

Ohh.

- Okay.
- One last push to keep these kids entertained.

You know, l saw a guitar in there.
You play the guitar, right?

Not in this situation.

- Yes. Yes.
- Amy, no.

My guitar is for seduction,
not crowd control, all right?

Granted, on a good night
that's one and the same, but still.

No, we're finding you a guitar.

- That's what we're doing.
- Oh, isn't this cute?

Look at you guys making juice.

- Leon.
- Go away. Why are you here?

She means hello.

I actually have a story
l'd like to discuss with the Veep.

- She here yet?
- Mm-mm.

No. No, of course not,
because she hates punctuality

almost as much as good governance.

So what should we do, guys?

Dormez-vous?
Dormez-vous?

Sonnez les matines
Sonnez les matines

(SlREN WAlLlNG)

No, l'm sorry, sir.
We have no comment on that at the moment.

Thank you. Goodbye.
Why would we need to ban smiling?

It's not like something
we have time for in the first place.

(CELL PHONE RlNGlNG)

- Ma'am?
- Sue, listen,

Ted proposed to me
about six to eight weeks ago, okay?

Oh, congratulations, ma'am.

No, no, no, he didn't really.
We're just gonna pretend that he did.

Okay. l assume he's in on this.

So now what l need you to do
is go to my calendar thing, please,

and let's find a date
where this would have happened.

The Children of Courage Awards.
Would he have proposed then?

No, no. Uh-uh. That's kids with alopecia,
their mothers are on crack.

That's a complete freak show.

Okay. Ah. Two months ago,

you and Ted went to an ice hockey game
and had dinner after.

Perfect. Yes.

Okay? Thank you very much.

Sue, Sue, Sue, did the President call?

- No.
- No. Yeah, okay. Right.

The As and the Es are like your basics.
That's like the roots of blues and stuff.

But if you really...
lf you get into some of the funkier stuff,

that's the... See, it's the sevenths. lt's
the minor sevenths that give it that...

That sort of that autumn...
That sort of gloom to it.

I just love that.

It's kind of moody, sort of sleepy,
but l like it. lt's...

lt does well with the, um...

You'll figure that out when you get older.
So it's, uh...

- You having fun?
- No.

Hear that? No fun.

You are no fun.

The Vice President is here.

- Yay!
- Yay!

- Leon West is here.
- Oh, great.

Now all we need are my parents on Skype.
Do you have the tests?

I have one. Gary's coming with more.

We're gonna have more tests
than you have pee.

You told Gary?

Oh, hello!

So he could get the tests.

Okay, well, fine.
L'll just have Gary do the tests.

- How will that work?
- No, not with his pee, Amy.

- Hi.
- Wait a second.

So, ma'am...
So you're the one who's pregnant?

I might be pregnant.

So we're looking at a wedding.

Or a suicide. l haven't decided which.

Look at these fantastic children!

- Madam Vice President.
- Hello. l'm so sorry l'm late.

I have never meant those words more.

It's a pleasure to meet you.
The children are waiting and ready for you.

You know, l need to use
the ladies' room very briefly, if l may.

Of course. The staff
restroom is right there.

Fantastic. l'm also parched
and l'm wondering if l might...

- Can l have a cup of water?
- Of course.

- Maybe in a paper cup?
- Yeah.

- This is all we have. Here.
- Oh! Well, this is...

- Okay, it's in a plastic, clear...
- lt should be fine.

- Lt'll be fine.
- Lt'll be fine.

Thank you.

Okay, cool it.

Oh, good Lord.

So what do you think?

Is she really pregnant?

How should l know?

- You're a woman.
- What?

You think that as a woman
l might sense some disturbance

in the fucking lady matrix?

- Hey, Ken. How's it going?
- Good.

Hey, l missed that photo with the Orioles.

Do you think you can kind of do
your magic and Photoshop me into it?

- Technically, yes.
- Oh, okay.

Ethically, no.

I document. l don't invent.

Do it yourself.

Okay. You got hot hands.

Hey, did she sing with the kids yet?

- Not yet.
- No.

Awesome. Where is she?

- Bathroom.
- Okay.

Holy shitballs. Leon West is here?

- Uh-huh. l thought you knew that.
- The guy's like gay porn. He's everywhere.

Okay, okay, they only had three types
of pregnancy tests l could find.

Hi, Gary. Okay, that's okay.
We have plenty.

- She's in the bathroom.
- Why are we doing this now?

Because you said that
the pregnancy story is out there,

so we need to make sure right now.

- Hey, Mike.
- Hi, ma'am.

I never said the pregnancy
story's out there.

Yes. On the phone you said the press
"is saying that she's pregnant."

l said she's repugnant.
I said Selina's repugnant.

What? Why am l repugnant?

Leon said it in reference
to you firing the Secret Service agent.

- The smile story?
- Yeah.

Why is that story out there now, Mike?

I don't know.

Yeah, "l don't know."

- Really?
- Ma'am, if we just table this...

l think we should just
knock off the kid thing...

- Lower that.
- You're right, we need to get this over with.

I think we're ready. Very
excited for the kids.

- Here, can you test this? Oh!
- (GARY GASPS)

(LAUGHlNG NERVOUSLY)

Hi! Oh, Leon.

So pleased to be shaking your hand
right at this moment.

- Lt's wonderful to see you, too.
- Just delighted.

- Have you met Ken? Ken, let's get moving.
- Okay.

Right this way.

Well, l'm so sorry l was a little bit late,

but l had to hang out
with a bunch of boring grown-ups. Bleh.

- Boo!
- Boo!

Mrs. Saunders,

l understand that the boys and girls
have a song that they wanna sing.

Okay, kids. Now, after four.
All right? One, two, three, four.

If you're happy and you know it
Clap your hands

Hey, Dad. Just wait until you
see the photo. lt's awesome.

You're right. l do do a
proper man's job. l do.

Oh, God.

If you're happy and you know it
Nod your head

You're very, very pregnant.

And you really wanna show it

If you're happy and you know it
Nod your head

Yeah.

If you're happy and you know it
Shout hooray

Hooray

If you're happy and you know it
Shout hooray

Hooray

If you're happy and you know it
And you really wanna show it

If you're happy and you know it
Shout hooray

Hooray

Oh, wow! That was marvelous.
Wasn't that great?

- Fun day. Thank you so...
- Wasn't it great?

Yes, what a good song and we're gonna
have to go on to the next thing.

- Oh, darn it.
- L know.

We have to leave. What a shame.
I wish l could be here all day.

- Good job.
- Okay, good job.

Wonderful. Bye-bye, everybody.

- Bye!
- Bye.

Bye-bye. See you later.

Don't touch.

That's it? How about that, kids?

Waited all day for that.