Veep (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Nicknames - full transcript

Selina becomes obsessed with the (many) unflattering nicknames given to her by bloggers, and after a snub, assigns Dan to get White House intel from Jonah. Later, Dan's political ...

You know, democracy is fantastic,
but it is also fucking dull.

It doesn't even look like
they're gonna break a tie.

Selina does not even have to be here.

Oh, my God. ls she falling asleep?

No, she cannot fall asleep on live TV.

Not on C-SPAN.
The irony would be too huge.

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Are you really waving?
She cannot see you through the TV.

Most of us learn that when we're four.

We can call her.
The vibrations will wake her up.

- No, she's not gonna fall asleep.

It's probably only us who have noticed.

No, Clive, no.

She is not falling asleep.

No, it is just very warm down there.

- Whoa, head jerk. Just head jerked.
- Okay.


MlKE: Are you sure you set this meeting
for 8:00 a.m. today?

Am l sure?

Okay, l'm sorry. l'm sorry.
Okay, of course you did. Of course.

Please, stop staring at me like that.

Undressing me with your eyes.

I'm adding more clothes, Mike.

Clean Jobs almost ready for liftoff, right?

- A little more detail work, but, yes.
- Yes.

I do think that we can start the countdown.

- Okay, well, get your spacesuits on.

Speaking of spacesuits,
l met Buzz Aldrin at a book signing.

You know what really freaks those guys out?

Seeing 1 7 dawns in a matter of 24 hours.

- Good morning.
- Morning, ma'am.

How is my day looking, Sue?

You have one community college meeting
this afternoon.

- Ls that it?
- Yes.

No, no, no, no. That's not right.

Okay, wait a minute.
What happens if you scroll down?


How about if you scroll up?

That's the past, ma'am.

What's he for?

Mike's your 8:00.

We're talking about your speech
for the Fire Fighters' Association tonight.

- Hey, where is Dan?
- L have been trying him all morning.

- He's not been picking up.
- L don't like that.

Probably sending photos
of his dick to himself.

Left him a voicemail. Called him a name.
Just a little thing we do.


So here's what l'm thinking.
We need to open with a funny joke.

Solid narrative throughout it,

into which l would like to pepper,
like, five zingers.

- No problemo. McLintock gold.
- Okay. Good.

I thought for the opener
we'd do a little self-deprecating joke

- about your snooze in the Senate.
- No.

- Want to hear it?
- No.

Okay. Yeah, it doesn't matter.

- Okay, here you go, first home run.
- Mmm-hmm.

"Firefighters have a
passion for their work.

"Arsonists just have a burning desire."

ls that even a joke?

- Yeah, it's a word play or a parody.
- Mmm.

Okay, doesn't matter.

- Got another one.
- All right.

Ladders, obviously germane
to the firefighting business.

You go, "Firefighters are
always climbing ladders,

"and in politics you're always..."

And this, l don't even know what l wrote,
but it's basically

you're taking steps to

get somewhere but without a ladder...

Yeah, this is not making me laugh at all.

We'll bring that one back when it's ready.

Okay, "Fire safety guy
asked me the other day,"

and this is your voice,
"'Do l smoke in bed?'

"And l said, 'l've never had
any complaints." ' (CHUCKLES)

Too shock? Too shock?

Okay. All right. This is
kind of a half an idea.

All right, so the idea is if you're a fireman
putting a wet blanket on something...

- You are late.
- Yes, and l am incredibly sorry.

I was not in my own apartment last night.
I just... l overslept.

Okay, having a massive stroke is an excuse
for coming in late to this office.

Having sex is absolutely not, Dan.

Quite right, ma'am.
Although, in my defense,

- l didn't even think you'd be here.
- Why?

There's the briefing on the fiscal
responsibility bill at the White House.

I just assumed you'd be there.

I wasn't invited. What?

This is happening...

Right now.

Fuck that POTUS.

He did this with the defense
budget briefing two weeks ago.

God. Where is Amy?

- You get a gag on top of...
- Mike!

Why didn't l know about this?

I'm going. They can't keep me out of there.

GARY: Hey, ma'am, l'm right here.
Can l get you something?

You got rollerblades?

I'm coming in.



SELlNA: Hi, guys.

- Fiscal responsibility.
- Lt's ridiculous.

Are you kidding me?

Not one of those guys has paid for
their own lunch in like a decade.

I think l made a big point by being there.

- Big point.
- L was breathing really heavily, though.

- You don't think anyone noticed that, do you?
- No. God, no.

Bob Lewis has got emphysema.
Sounds like a broken-down leaf blower.

- He does.

That is an actually uncanny
impression of him.

- Madam Vice President.
- Yeah?

- Oh, hi, Jonah.
- Hey, Jonah.

You coming to see us?

Oh, no. l had to take a personal hour.

I have a nutritionist appointment.

- Oh, hope you're okay.
- Lt'll be fine.

But l'm fructose intolerant.

- Fructose?
- Fruit sugars.

It's very rare.

- Well, good luck with all that.
- Thank you.

Just when you thought
he couldn't get any weirder, he did.

My God.

Oh, sorry about earlier.
I thought you were in the chair.

Okay, you know what?
I'm gonna need a meeting with everybody.

I need a coffee.

Here's the deal.

The President is avoiding me.

Maybe he's just flaky like Gary's feet.

No, l know him. He hates confrontation,

and obviously there is something
that he needs to confront me about.

I mean, am l still getting
unequivocal support on Clean Jobs?

I need some good, solid
White House intel on this.

- Yup, the Whitegeist.
- Right.

- L'm on it.
- Good.

- Okay, please, please.
- Okay. Okay.

I'm gonna check and see if this fireman thing
tonight is getting mentioned anywhere.

- Whoa, are you self-googling?
- Yeah.

We have guys in the
office to do that, ma'am.

I wouldn't search on your name
or your nicknames, really.

My nicknames?

Gary, what are my nicknames?

There's just some nicknames
that it's necessary

for us to search on
to kind of pick up on blog coverage.

- But, l mean, like what?
- Okay.

There's one that has to do
with the legislation you did

to support women breast feeding in public.

- That was good legislation.
- Lt was good legislation.

- Mammary Meyer.
- Oh, please.

- Like that.
- Wait. Are there others?

Oh, really? Okay.

Grisly Madam, She-Ra, Meyer the Liar,
the Batcave, Pissface.

Wicked Witch of the West Wing,
Veep Throat, Voldemeyer,

Dickless van Dyke, Tawdry Hepburn,

Blunder Woman, Selina Meh.

Pissface? Huh?

No, not that one.

VaSelina, Betty Poop.

People attack you because they think
you're beautiful and you're smart.

You got the most nicknames
when you were on the cover of Vogue.

I remember that.
They were just jealous. Remember that?

AMY: Yes.
MlKE: They called you Goofy Smile.

GARY: Well, let's not get into it.
AMY: Yeah.

Hmm. Bummer. Looks like your girlfriend

didn't get the Chief of Staffjob
with the Speaker.

Guess l don't have to buy a hat now.

Hat? Oh, wedding? (SCOFFS) No.

Put a lot of time in on Alice.

I was deliberately late for work
because l wanted her to believe

that she was more important to me
than my job.

- She fall for that?
- L doubt it.

But it's the thought that counts.

She appreciates the gesture of me

trying to trick her into believing that.

That is so romantic.

Sadly, the beautiful thing
we had faded very suddenly

eight minutes ago.

So who's next?

Which strategically useful young woman
will get to witness

your two-hour morning skin care regime?

You like this place? l love this place.

Yeah. No frills.

Not a single frill.

When they bring out the bread,
you check it out.

It is a fuckload of bread.
Believe me, you could feed a family,

like a fat family off
the fuckload of bread alone.

Think l'm gonna get an orange juice.
You want one?

Oh, no. No way, dude. Fructose.

So Clean Jobs is looking pretty exciting.

What about the White House?
They as stoked as we are?

Hey, man, yeah. l'm out of the office.
I don't want to talk shop.

Oh, right, right, yeah.

Just punched out. Just two guys hanging.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah. l like hanging with you.

- Thanks, man.
- Yeah.

It's too bad Amy doesn't.

Please, she's just fucking jealous.

Since you guys went out,
you've been getting action, right?

Oh, mad action.

I got a cock like a cappuccino frother.

One of the big ones.
The industrial ones, not the little ones.

Thanks, Joe.

(SOFTLY) Fuck, yeah.

What did l tell you? That's like two
grain silos fucked right there.

Yup, that's a regular granary gangbang.

Oh, dude, did you hear
that fucking bullshit

that Max Geldray is saying
that POTUS is avoiding Selina?

Max Geldray knows shit about shit.

The only intel he has is on his fucking PC.

- Lntel, that's a brand of microprocessor.
- Strong joke.

- POTUS, he knows Clean Jobs has traction.

Senator Macauley,
he'd sponsor that bill in a heartbeat.

He's got a big, veiny boner for it.

Oh, shit. They need me back
at the West Wing, like, now.

- What, did we declare war?
- No, it's worse.

Interactive tourist section
of the website is down.

Hey, there's this extreme metal band
playing over at Labyrinth's tonight.

Just real fucked up noise.

They don't even have a name.
You want to check it out?

Yeah, man. Let's go catch some decibels.

- You cut me, l bleed metal.
- Great.

And what would you like?

To eat at a different fucking restaurant.


AMY: So Mike's jokes didn't work?

SELlNA: Yeah. l mean, firefighters are used
to seeing people die, Amy,

but not like that.

SELlNA: Listen, we have got
to congratulate Martin on this.

I mean, this is such a great draft
of the Clean Jobs bill.

Yeah, it's pretty much all here.
We just need to...

Up the stakes substantially?

Noncompliance penalties,
don't you think those should be greater?

I think we should just go for it.

I think we should just fine the fuckers
till the fuckers aren't fine.


That was totally inappropriate.

- Lnappropriate.
- Lnappropriate.

That's not the first time
that that's happened, by the way.

He's not supposed to register emotion.
He's supposed to be like a robot geisha.

- L'll see to it.
- Yeah.

So, we still don't know if this bill
has unequivocal support from POTUS.

Well, Dan is working intel on that.


- Hey.
- Hey, Gary.

I'm gonna head home if it's okay.
If l'm not needed.

Yeah, sure. What's in the bag?

Oh, l got my first Zumba class tonight.

- Oh, neat.
- L'm excited.

Amy and l are gonna be
working pretty late, l think.

Would you do me a favor?
Could you go and pick up

some of those takeout crab cakes
from Levin's?

- L love those.
- Yeah.

That wouldn't spoil your plans, would it?

No, ma'am.

Hey, Gary, what are some
of the other nicknames?

Oh, come on. This is masochism.

No, it's not. l have very thick skin.

I'm just interested, that's all.

It's just various VP things.

- You know, like using the initials VP jokingly.
- Like what?

Vaguely personable.
VlAGRA prohibitor. Visible panties.

VlAGRA prohibitor? (CHUCKLES)

Why, because when a guy's with me
he doesn't need VlAGRA?

No. lt means that even if a guy uses it...

lt doesn't work?

They are saying that
a prescription medication

that is supposed to guarantee
a strong and sustained erection

in all men, despite their
age or their health,

is rendered ineffective by me?

You know what?
You no longer search on the nicknames.

- You said you had thick skin.
- GARY: God, no.

Wait, what about VPlLF?

- That's flattering. You know what that means?
- No, Gary.

Vice President l would like to,
you know, fool around with.

- Fuck.
- Okay.


Ah! This is fucking primordial.

You know what? You can't find
these guys on fucking iTunes.

- You know why?
- 'Cause they don't have a name?

'Cause they're not for fucking sale.

Fucking listen to this.

This is fucking like being operated on
by a chimp with a hard-on and a hacksaw.

Radical stuff.

Yeah. That's exactly how l feel
about the Clean Jobs legislation.

Has POTUS said anything about
how high the agenda's gonna go?

All noises are good.

I'm in a meeting tomorrow
and it's definitely gonna get discussed.

L'll call you.

That would be awesome, man.
Thank you. That's great.

Pick up this round, l'll get the next one.
And grab some nuts.

I'm sweating all my minerals
into my shorts here.

Get some fucking nuts!

You know, l've asked
Dan and Mike to play devil's advocate

against this bill, assemble some arguments.

You know, what people might say
against it and stuff.

Dan is a great choice.

He is already a huge
advocate of the devil's.

POTUS needs some successes right now.

He doesn't fix the economy soon,

NASA's gonna have to build him
an escape pod.

I mean, how has he let this happen?

- God, if l were...
- Mmm-mmm-mmm.

Don't say, "lf l were President."
lt's the VP bear trap.

Okay. l won't say it.

L'll just think it.

Thanks for working late tonight, Amy.

Don't feel like you have
to come in early tomorrow.

Okay, thanks.

But you will come in early, right?

- Of course.
- Yeah.

Shit, Sidney Purcell.
Should we go another way?

No, l'm not scared of oil lobbyists.

- L'm only scared of two things.
- Yeah, bats and Alzheimer's.

Yeah, well remembered. Sidney Purcell.

Madam Vice President. So good to see you.

Guess what we were just doing? Just polishing
up the latest draft of Clean Jobs.

You know, l am from oil, but that
doesn't mean that l don't care deeply

about my children's future
and, of course, their children's future.

Speaking of children, l've got to go.

Catherine is waiting to skype with me.

Great seeing you, as always,
Madam Vice President.

- Okay, take care.
- Bye-bye.

I don't have any children.

I have a niece, but l fucking hate her.

How charming. l need to be getting home.

You know, l wanted to tell you if you think
this bill of yours is gonna go the distance,

then you must be even stupider
than l think you are.

And l should tell you, l think you're
borderline developmentally disabled.

This bill is a fucking disgrace,

and l'm gonna see to it personally

that it gets chewed up
like a dead prostitute in a wood chipper.

Just wanted to let you know.

You sure you're ready, Mr. Thrash Metal?

Heard you only got
two hours of sleep last night.

Yeah, well, with how many
times you've got to get up and pee, Mike,

l think we're about even.

Hey, have you boys read
the latest draft of Clean Jobs?

Yes, ma'am.

Okay, so you've got
your critiques all prepared?

- Mmm-hmm.
- Mmm-hmm.

Who's gonna go first?

Ladies first.

So you can be harsh.
You don't need to hold back or anything.


This is class genocide.

This is... This... Um, huh?

This is rich white people
and their rich white champion Selina Meyer

demanding an unproven solution

to an unproven problem
so they can sleep better at night.

Who works for large polluting companies?

Ordinary blue-collar Americans.

Who will get fired or have their wages cut
to pay for these taxes?

Ordinary moms and dads.

Who will suffer when these companies
are no longer competitive

because of your high taxes
and noncompliance penalties?

This is cold, calculated, class genocide

perpetrated by someone who is either evil,

or eligible to be held on a 51 50
at a mental health facility.

- Shame on you, Selina Meyer.
- Okay.

Remember that name.

No one will want to call their child
by that name.

There are no more Adolfs.
Soon there will be no more Selinas.

You are looking at the last Selina.

The Selina who killed America.


Oh, my God, Dan.

- No more Selinas?
- Okay.

Quiet, okay? l don't need to hear you.


My chief criticism is that
l don't fully understand it.

- Lf l don't understand it...
- All right, good job, dummy.

Sit down.

- Where's Selina?
- She's on her way back from lunch.

SELlNA: You know that trip to Paris?
GARY: Uh-huh.

- SELlNA: lt's on. Yeah.
- No!

- SUE: Oh, Amy, l have a quick Q for you to A.
- Quickly, then.

In diary hierarchy,

does the
National Resource Committee meeting

trump the Care for Children's Association?


Okay, l will kill the children.

GARY: You know what would be perfect
in Paris is that pink jacket you have.

Ma'am! Ma'am! lt's a fucking disaster.

What is? lt could be a lot of things.

The President is very eager to get the
fiscal responsibility bill through.

- So eager that...
- Oh, shit, no.

He wants all focus to be on that bill.

- He's dropped five other pieces of legislation.
- No.

Clean Jobs is one of them.

Oh, God.


- My Clean Jobs?
- Yeah.

Oh, son of a bitch.

That President,
he is a suffocating son of a bitch.

It's okay.

Had we not heard anything about this?

Apparently there were
rumblings in the blogs, but...

But why weren't we on it?

They used a nickname, ma'am,
and we were not searching on it.

- Which one?
- Mrs. DoubtMeyer.

Well, you never mentioned that one.

Yeah, that means you're
kind of slightly confused.

You're oddly masculine.

It's a shitty nickname.

I'm just not gonna accept this.

Oh, my God.
L'd have more power in my hands

if l joined one of those
moronic Segway tours of D.C.

l mean, do you have any idea
what l have lost here today?

Do you? Really?

Are you not gonna say anything?


Dan, did your boyfriend
know anything about this?

I was trying to use Jonah for intelligence.

That's like trying to use a croissant
as a fucking dildo.

- L thought...
- No, no, no.

Let me be more clear.

It doesn't do the job,
and it makes a fucking mess!

Get out of my office.

- Gary!
- Yes, ma'am? Yes, ma'am?

- L need something.
- Okay, is there anything specific?

- L don't fucking know. l just need something.
- Okay.

L'll tell you what l'm going to do.

I'm gonna call that stupid POTUS myself.

I'm gonna tell him to shove it up his ass.
I don't see any reason...

Ma'am, why don't we just
wait this out, okay?

"Why don't we just wait this out?"

ls that what you're gonna suggest?

Remind me never to get trapped inside
a burning building with you, Mike.

- L'm very good in a fire.
- Ma'am, if l may. l think l have an idea.

What if we went to a friendly senator

and suggested that he or she take
the best parts of Clean Jobs,

the sanctions on polluters,
tax breaks for the good guys,

and then added that as an amendment
to the fiscal responsibility bill?

Well, that would get the meat of
Clean Jobs through, wouldn't it?

It would also mean
we'd go against the President's wishes.

- That's provocative, ma'am.
- Yeah.

Well, l feel like provoking someone.

I really do, Mike.

I'm feeling very fucking provocative.

I'm aware of that, ma'am.

The President won't like that.
I can tell you that right now.

- This is the bear trap.
- L know, you're right.

We can't do this. Can we? We can't.

We can do anything we want
if we really want to.

What is this? Eat, pray, fucking love?

- Give me a minute.
- L can't be seen

sneaking through legislation
behind the President's back.

I mean, that would be insane.
It would be disloyal.

Ma'am, Senator Macauley loves this bill
and he may decide to do it anyway.

Well, if Senator Macauley
wants to do it himself,

then that's great, you know?

It's just that l can't be seen doing it.

Okay? Okay?

Ma'am, l got you a little bit of ice cream.

I thought that might be
just what you wanted.

That is just exactly what l wanted.

- Would you get me some whipped cream?
- Yeah, give me a minute.

I wanted to tell you, but l couldn't
because l didn't know if you already knew,

but my loyalty is with POTUS.

Bullshit. You didn't know
he was gonna roll over on Clean Jobs.

- You had no fucking idea.
- Dan, l had a fucking idea.

You know what, Jonah? l don't think that
we should see each other anymore.

- Come on.
- Sorry.

So you're saying that

just because l'm not as close to POTUS
as you thought l was,

that means that we can't hang out anymore?

What l'm saying, you fucking ape,

is that you are a useless waste
of fucking carbon.

L've been trying to cynically use you,

but you're so fucking low-rent,
you can't even be exploited.

Not to mention the fact any restaurant
that serves anything in a fuckload

is not a nice restaurant.

Where is the bread at this place, asshole?

- And you, you upstate New York dickshit...
- Watch it.

Yeah, l'll talk about upstate New York.

You guys think you're fucking New York,
but you're not.

And you with your perpetual
5 o'clock shadow,

you're not that great to be around.

I don't like you, Dan.

Really? l think you do.
I think you're a little sweet on me, Jonah.

That's why you're so upset.

You know what, Dan?

You're a fucking dick.

Well, careful when you
go to sleep tonight, asshole.

Maybe l'll sneak into your apartment
with a bag of oranges

and fructose you to death.


SELlNA: Hey, we should send POTUS
a postcard from Paris.

What's the French for "shove
it up your ass"? (CHUCKLES)

God, Parisian women really intimidate me.


I don't know. They're so Parisian.

You're as stylish as any Parisian woman.

Oh, thank you.

- Oh, so are you.
- Thank you.

That took too long, didn't it?

- We can't go to Paris.
- Shit.

No, whoa, whoa, whoa. What?
We got all those tours lined up.

- What are you talk...
- Be quiet. What?

They're anticipating another
tied vote in the Senate.

You need to head back to preside again.

- Lt's gavel time.
- What bill is it?

- That was a play on "it's hammer time."
- l know. What bill is it?

No. No. lt's the Macauley amendment?

Yeah. lt's the meat of Clean Jobs.

Which way are you gonna vote?

The way that my principles
and conscience tell me to go.


Which way do you think that should be?

Look, you already know my feelings on this.

The President does not want

the Clean Jobs amendment
passed in any form.


Dan, talk, please.

If it comes down to a tie, vote for.

- You back your own policy.
- Yeah? You think so?

- No.
- Yes.

So you are actually saying
that you want me to destroy the policy

that you and l have been
working on for months,

actually years if you think about it, Amy?

- Yes.
- Wow.

All right, let me get this straight.

So you, Dan,
who are absolutely against this policy,

don't say otherwise,
you want me to vote for it.

And you, Amy, who love this policy,
you want me to vote against it. Yeah?

This is some weird-ass
Through the Looking-Glass shit right now.

- Vote against.
- Vote for.

Hey, ma'am. They need you on the floor.

Oh, boy.

All right, well...

See you later, folks.

Wish me luck.

You got Macauley to add this amendment,
didn't you?

- L know you did.
- Macauley is his own man.

If you did this,
you went against Selina's explicit orders

and you have put this entire office
into a salad spinner of fuck.

What, are you checking
your fantasy fucking football scores?

Get the fuck off it.

Hey. Oh, man. What's she gonna do?

AMY: What l said.
DAN: What l said.


On this vote, the yeas
are 50, the nays are 50.

The Senate being equally divided,

the Vice President votes in the negative
and the amendment is not agreed to.


ls this what l came into
politics to do, Amy?

It's a rhetorical question.

Obviously l didn't come into politics
to do this.

On a happy note, we reassigned
the smiling Secret Service guy.

It's one less grinning idiot with a gun
you have to worry about.


- Oh, God, what?
- Sorry to disturb you, ma'am.

And yet you are disturbing me.

Uh, POTUS is anxious, after recent events,

that you don't feel he's trying to nudge
you out of the process of government.

Oh, isn't that thoughtful, Amy?

So he would like you to head up a program

that is very important
and very dear to his heart.

No, no, no, no, no.

You do not do this to me.

Do not say that it is obesity.

Do not say that to me.

- Lt's obesity.
- No, no.

I'm sorry, ma'am,
but you have drawn the fat straw.

I will have all the relevant documents
forwarded onto your team.

Okay, it's your bedtime.
Get out of my office.

Good night.

Oh, God. Amy.

I mean, seriously.
Are you believing this fucking day?

I had to pull the plug on Clean Jobs,

l'm about to go to France,

and now he gives me obesity.

My God. l'll tell you something else, too.

This is deliberate, Amy.

The President knows how
uncomfortable l am made

(WHlSPERlNG) by fat people.

You want to know the secret
to keeping weight off?

Shut your fucking pie hole.

How about that? lt's not rocket science.

I'm not a nutritionist, am l?

No, l'm not. But l do know one thing.

You've got to put the corndog down,

you've got to get up off your dead one,
you've got to get moving.

"Get moving" might actually be
a good slogan for this damn thing.

Oh, my God.
It's weakness. That's really all it is.

Pure and simple, it's weakness.

It's about self-control.

You don't masturbate
in the subway, do you, Amy?

No, you don't. Do you
shit in the street, Amy?

No, of course you don't.

Because you've gotten a hold of yourself.

And now l've got to say what?
L've got to say,

"l'm the Vice President of the United
States. Put the cupcake down."

That's now my job?

AMY: l... lt's...

SELlNA: Oh, for fuck's sake.

AMY: Have you ever had a weight problem?

SELlNA: Yeah, l have.