Veep (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - Full Disclosure - full transcript

VlC: (ON RADlO) So Vice President Meyer
is under pressure today, Rod.

ROD: That's right, Vic. She fired one of
her Secret Service men because he smiled.

He wasn't fired, he was reassigned.

VIC: This doesn't look good for the
VP's Chief of Staff Amy Brookheimer.

Amy, you listening to Crock FM right now?

Yeah, that's exactly what l'm doing.

Well, don't sweat it.
I can still bust some moves in this town.

Bust some moves? Really, Mike?

I have a black belt in Mike Kwan Do.

All right, sir, no.

Okay, okay. Hey, hey, easy, dough boy.



Hands off the suit.

- ROD: Uh-oh, Blame Me Brookheimer.
- (VlC LAUGHS)

Stop laughing there, Vic. That's treason.

- Hello?
- Dan.

You must have
a huge schaden-boner over this Amy flack.

Oh, l take no pleasure in my
colleague's very public, brutal...

l'm trying to watch TV.
Would you please move?

And probably career-ending
humiliation, Jonah.

God, she is gonna go
ape-shit menstrual over this.

Hey, l'm on the phone with AT&T.
Can you stop shouting "menstrual"?

Yeah, you know,
she'll probably go a little menstrual.

Yeah, she probably will.
Although, when you think about it,

it's actually kind of worse for you.

Is that right?



Well, the VP's office
is a cataclysm on spin cycle.

And then you got that
pregnancy rumor flying around

like the contents
of a broken fucking condom.

It's gonna be last in and first out and
you're a dead Dan walking... What the fuck?

This is going in with
the dirty dishes, man.

For fuck's sake. lf this is broken,
l'm adding it to your fucking rent.

ROD: Please call in on this one.
Should Amy Brookheimer go?

(THEME MUSlC PLAYlNG)

SELlNA: But the bottom line is,
you keep the streets safe,

l'll keep your budget safe.

Well, l was gonna say that
brings a smile to my face,

but that would be safe, wouldn't it, ma'am?

That's very funny, Bill. (CHUCKLlNG)
You're fired.

I'm kidding. l'm kidding, l'm kidding.
(LAUGHS)

Hey, ma'am, it's leave o'clock.

Okay, yes. l'm afraid l
have to go, gentlemen.

Thank you so much.

Let's be cheerful out there.

SELlNA: Mike, this is not a story.

Collins made a bunch of faces,
he was reassigned.

That shouldn't be news.
How in the hell did this happen?

It's the Secret Service, for Christ's sake.

Secret as in, "Shut the fuck up."

And service as in, "You work for me, okay?

"So why don't you shut the fuck up?"

We have an enemy and l want a name and a
severed head that answers to that name,

or would if it could still talk.

All right, l'm gonna be in my office.

Alone!

Oh, Gary, did the Veep
just bitch slap you with a door?

She didn't mean that.
She's got a lot on her mind today.

Oh, yeah, you mean like firing Amy?

Or someone who's undermining the
President by back-channeling Macauley.

That's bullshit.

Okay, l need to tell you guys something.

Oh, what, is she out of
hand sanitizer again?

I can't say this. l can't tell you this.

Gary, why are you talking in cliff-hangers?

Selina's had a miscarriage.

Well, this is good for us. Right?

Nicely done, Dandroid.

How is she?

Free from a major
fucking political headache, l'd say.

That's deep space cold, Dan.

Explains why you piss liquid nitrogen.

Yeah, okay, Ted. l'll call you back, then.

So that's...

What? What's going on?

I was telling the guys
about my riding mower l got.

Wow, Gary.

That was quick. Look at that.

Okay, everybody. Please
come into my office.

White House is in the house.
Everybody say way-o!

The skyscraper of shit has arrived.

Madam Vice President, top story today

is that viral sensation
that's sweeping the nation.

What are you talking about?

- Uh, may l?
- No, you may not.

It's tagged "Selina Sell-outta."

Selina Meyer, has this Veep lost control?

Are, are, are...

She says she's an environmentalist,
but she vetoes environmental protection.

She sets up a Clean Jobs Task Force
that includes not one, but two oil men.

I'm gonna tell you the truth.

WOMAN: What is the mental state ofa Veep
that fires a man for smiling?

(LAUGHlNG)

- l love this part.
- Could you...

l am Selina Meyer.

And l don't have any idea

what's going on in my office.

All right, pack up your limbs
and get the fuck out, Jonah.

- Get him out.
- Hey, don't shoot the messenger.

- Ls punching allowed?
- Oh, you wouldn't stand a chance.

I have a much longer reach.

- Hey, did everybody get a chance to see this?
- No!

I mean, how are we gonna
shut this negativity down?

Amy, what are we gonna do?

AMY: Yeah, well, it's inaccurate.

Technically,
the Secret Service guy was reassigned.

Yeah, and technically we didn't put
two oil guys on Clean Jobs Task Force.

Oh, yeah, l see.

And technically this is
a fully functioning office, too.

Well, that Secret Service
clown has obviously leaked this.

That's right, Mike. Good. You know what?

You're gonna have to go talk to him, okay?

You are the closest to normal we've got
going in this office right now.

Thanks, l think.

Okay, there's a White House
request to publish

all the Secret Service
office personnel records.

Are you kidding me?
They want our records now?

What are we gonna do? What?

Well, we have to release those.
And that has got me thinking,

why not release all of our fucking records?

- Full disclosure.
- Are you serious?

Yeah, publish everything.

All of our emails,
and all of our phone records.

Right, right, 'cause they won't
have time to read everything.

I mean, you can't read everything.

I don't read half the
stuff l'm supposed to.

So by showing that we have nothing to hide,

then we can actually hide some stuff.

Dan, what do you think about this?

I just think that this could
blow up in all of our faces.

Just because this isn't
your baby, you don't...

God, l am so sorry.

Oh, it's fine. lt's fine.

I mean, it was like a heavy period.
Don't worry about it.

All right, you know what, guys?
We're doing this.

L've made the decision that we are going
to release all of our correspondence.

Full disclosure is now
the name of the game.

Mike will fill you in on the rest of it.

- Right, Mike?
- Yes, ma'am.

Okay.

Thank you.

All right, obviously it is not
gonna be full disclosure.

Okay? lt's gonna be
partial disclosure light.

We don't want to have a paper trail
on Clean Jobs.

There can be no... Are
you writing that down?

Why would you be writing that down?

Nothing about Sidney Purcell
having access to Clean Jobs, all right?

We have to check Sue's calendar,

make sure there are no meetings there
that l did-didn't have.

The accidentally racist
brochure that we had to shred.

Oh, we're gonna redact that for sure.

But the thing is, is that l still think

there needs to be something
embarrassing in there.

- You know what l mean?
- Sure.

So it doesn't look as if we've just airbrushed
the nipples out of this fucking thing.

No, that's really good.
And it makes... yeah.

Massages at the residence.
The press will obsess about those.

- Massages? What massages?
- That's good.

Your back facials.

- Oh.
- Back facials? What?

Yeah, l get back acne. Backne.

Okay, okay. l think we can live with that.
Shall we release the logs from the residence?

Uh, yeah, sure. We can do that.

- Okay?
- Okay.

Got a plan. Oh, uh, Dan.

Can l talk to you just for a quick sec?

- Yeah.
- You want me to stay?

Did l ask you to stay?

Thank you.

Um, Dan, listen, do l have anything
that l need to be worried about?

Just a random example might be

anything about
the Macauley amendment you need...

- No. Nope.
- No?

Because if anyone thought this office

had anything to do with that amendment,

which went against
the President's wishes and policy,

that would be completely wrong
and it would be curtains for everyone.

Yes, ma'am.

I mean, l don't know what
you did or didn't do,

but l do know that l can't know
what you know or you don't know.

You know?

I know.

Okay, good.

(SlGHlNG) Oh, fuck.

You okay, ma'am?

Yeah, Ame, listen.

I'm sorry l snapped at you there.

I thought you were about to fire me.

(CHUCKLES)

l'm sorry to hear

that you lost...
That you're no longer pregnant.

Oh, yeah, thanks.

Um, here's the deal, though.
On top of everything else,

l think that Ted is
getting ready to dump me.

What is that...

Nodding thing supposed to mean?

No, no, my...

Processing information.

The nod of my head is like l'm buffering.

Oh, well, once you're done buffering,

what is it that you're thinking?

I don't know. Maybe the thrill is gone.

What do you mean?

Like the thrill
of the whole power thing wore off.

And now he just doesn't like what's...

Doesn't like what?

Maybe he just doesn't really...

Okay,

l think you'd better get out of my office.

- See, l didn't mean that...
- lt's okay.

- Lt's fine.
- Okay.

Just...

(PHONE RlNGlNG)

Let me see this.
Look, l can still read the names, okay?

You've got to put black marker
over all the words.

Abby, you may have to pull an all-nighter

with the lDGN number redacting

if you're behind on
the lDGN number redacting.

Okay, folks, 1 2 hours.
Let's make it happen.

We can do this.

L'll get it.

AMY: Thank you all for coming
on such short notice.

I know, who'd have thought
transparent government

would take up so much
of your field of vision?

(CHUCKLlNG)

- Have at it.
- Get it while it's hot.

You got that?

You good?

Cup ofjoe for the guys. Man, l need it.

I could pass out right now.

You said this was a
homeland security issue.

It's exactly that. lt's a very
homeland security angle... lssue.

It's imperative to me being here.

You ever been in the line of fire, Mike?

Yes, sir. Went to lraq with the Veep.

Presented a Thanksgiving turkey.

I was there. No fire as l recall.

No, but the line was there.

(SlGHS) Do you mind?

So how's the placement
over at Arlington Cemetery going?

I hear it's pretty nice there.

It's nothing to smile about.

I'm also looking after my uncle.
He has dementia.

Does he ever say anything funny?

What do you want, Mr. McLintock?

Just want to make sure
you're doing okay, Martin.

You think l'm the whistle-blower.

Whistle-blowing makes it sound patriotic.

I was fucking transferred for nothing.

No, you were transferred
for being jocular and over familiar.

Security guys are supposed
to be like wallpaper.

They're not supposed to be
grinning like some ape.

Okay, uh...

The Times are saying we're trying
to hide stuff by causing a deluge.

They're calling it an e-nami.

Is anybody picking up on the back facials?

The press was supposed to pick
on those damn back facials.

DAN: No.

Hey, give me a J!

Hi, everybody.

So no apologies?

For what?

Oh, for what? Oh.

Washington Post. Page 1 7.

You've disclosed an email
containing birthday gift suggestions

for an unnamed White House aide.

"Suggestion number one:
a cake in the shape of a dick.

(ALL CHUCKLlNG)

"Suggestion number two: a smart new hat

"in the shape of a dick."

That made it in there!

JONAH: Everybody knows this is me, guys.

Oh, everybody? Really?

Yes, everybody.

There are 3,000 people on
the White House payroll, Jonah.

Who's the VP Liaison, Amy?

I'm going into coffee shops,
l'm going into meetings,

and people are looking
at me and whispering.

- (PHONE RlNGlNG)
- And they are whispering, "Dick cake."

West Wing. Jonah.

No, who is D.C.?

Uh, Dick Cake.

Oh, for fuck's sake. ls this Ryan?

MlKE: Oh, no, no, no!
AMY: What?

Every time Ted stayed overnight at
the residence has been fully disclosed.

Oh, Ted's gonna love that.

Some of the bloggers are linking Ted's
overnighters to the pregnancy rumors.

What? Oh, come on.

Mike, can't you make me
not have been pregnant?

- God!
- You see?

This is what happens when you tell
the truth. Nothing good comes of it.

Okay, l'm gonna get you
a cup of rose hip tea.

Keith at Reuters says
Secret Service story, it's out there.

- Right now?
- Yeah.

MALE REPORTER: lt seems the Veep's office
has compounded the problem

by insulting the man and
calling him an ape.

Who's responsible for this
deranged campaign?

Mike McLintock, Press Officer?

Chief of Staff Amy Brookheimer,
or Selina Meyer herself?

Of course, she bears
ultimate responsibility.

(TURNS OFF TV)

POTUS will not like this.

This is going to cause
a total POTAL meltdown.

All right, get him out of here, Dan.

Yeah, why don't you run along
and see if you can suck your own cake?

Oh, that's clever, Dan.

Did you say those things, Mike?

Ace play, Shakespeare. Really.

When in doubt, call a vet an ape.

Remind me, who did you
blackmail to get this job?

All right, you know what?
Let's get in my office right now.

- Your tea is almost ready.
- Thank you.

Yet again we find ourselves in an office

that is completely non-fucking-functioning.

So what are we gonna do?

Exactly. We are gonna fire someone.

That's right.
Does anybody have a better idea?

All right, so...

Who is it gonna be, huh?

- Sue.
- Sue.

Oh, Sue. (CHUCKLES)

That's funny, you guys.

But seriously, Sue's not important enough.

Who is?

Oh, l know.

You three are important enough.

Ma'am, l just want to say
l promise to do everything l can

to fix Amy's botched full disclosure policy
and Mike's security blunder.

Hey, suck-up isn't gonna
fix a fuck-up, Dan.

All right? You're not exempt.

- Gary.
- Hmm?

I need some sort of a discreet place

where l can have
a rendezvous with Ted, please.

- Where nobody goes.
- Yes, ma'am.

Thank you. All right. (CLEARS THROAT)

You may leave my office now.

- Shut?
- Of course shut!

Oh, lord.

Oh, did you put a dash of...

Honey in the rose hip? Yes, ma'am.

I put a little Fig Newton
there for you as well.

- Oh, outstanding, Gary.
- Yeah.

(SlRENS BLARlNG)

(PHONE RlNGlNG)

- (SlGHS)
- What? Okay.

- L'm sorry for the inconvenience.
- Another one.

I understand.

- Press is up my ass.
- Oh, so, okay, great.

Then you know exactly
what my world is like.

No, bullshit. l don't have a
Mike, an Amy, or fucking Dan.

Oh, do you want them? You can have them.

L'll give you a fucking deal
on all three of them, too, if you want.

That's a nice way to treat people.

- Well, that's how l feel.
- Here we go.

- You don't have to be snarky about this.
- (PHONE RlNGlNG)

- Oh, my fucking lord!
- (METAL CLATTERlNG)

You really need to calm down, okay?

You need to respect Gary's stuff here.

- Sorry, Gary.
- GARY: That's okay.

Look, this is my fucking private life.

- No, l know.
- L thought l was fucking you in private.

- Ted, come on. l love to fuck you in private.
- (PHONE RlNGlNG)

Hey, you know what?
Thanks for returning my call.

The message was,
"Please don't fucking call me again."

Right? So why don't you just take your beak
and shove it up some corpse's ass?

- Who are you talking to?
- Okay, you vulture motherfucker?

- Was that a journalist?
- Yes.

- Oh, God!
- What?

What are you doing, Ted?
You can't tell him to fuck his mother.

- Her mother, actually.
- What the hell?

- They...
- Come on, use your head.

You're just making it worse.
Get yourself together.

Selina, l need some air.
And we need to talk.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Uh, Gary?

Yes, ma'am?

- L'm gonna go.
- Okay. Okay.

- L want you to stay here.
- Okay.

I need you to end it with Ted.

Okay. What?

Yeah, l want you to let him go.

But you need to do it very sensitively.

And just make sure
there aren't any repercussions

or anything like that, okay?

Um...

With all due respect, ma'am,
wouldn't it be better if it came from you?

- Mmm... Mmm-mmm
- Mmm-mmm.

No?

No, because l can't run
the risk of talking to him again

because l think that he
is about to dump me.

So l'm not gonna be the dumpee.

I'm gonna be the dumper.

Okay? He's gonna be the dumpee.
So, you've got to go do that.

Okay. (CLEARS THROAT)

Okay. Okay.

Oh, your house is so nice.

Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.

It's really sweet for you to say that.

Okay.

(CHUCKLES)

- She can go off, can't she?
- Yeah.

- Yeah, sorry about that.
- That's okay.

That's okay.

So maybe it's a good thing.

What? What's a good thing?

That she doesn't want to see you anymore.

Oh, ma'am.
You've been off radar for over an hour.

Oh, did l miss anything?

Did the President ride through
on a lion or something?

No, but you need to do
a drop-in on the gaming association in 303.

All right. l don't want to end up
with a horse's head in my bed.

Though there's room for one now.

I just want to know.

I hope you find out first. l really do.

Hey, you know what?
I get fired, it's a big fucking deal.

For you, it's early retirement.

That was fun.

I just had a senior attorney
completely trash my yard.

- You okay?
- AMY: Yeah, let me get you some coffee.

What happened, buddy?
You want to talk about it?

He completely tore it up.
I was afraid he was gonna cut my...

Wait a second. Did you
just call me "buddy"?

You don't listen to me.
You never listen to me. What's going on?

- AMY: Nothing.
- You want something from me.

You want me to tell you
who's getting fired.

Come on, we just want to know
what she's thinking.

I'm not gonna tell you anything.

All right, you know what?
Forget about the specifics.

Let's pretend there's a female farmer

and she's got a horse,
a sheep, and a pig, okay?

Who does she get rid of?

The pig.

Shit. Wait. Who is that?

Oh, come on. Work it out.

Why should l help you guys?

- Gary, the Veep needs her lunch.
- L'm on it.

L'd rather be a pig
than an ass-monkey up on his high horse.

There, that's three animals for you.

Did you just sidle?

I don't think l've ever seen you sidle.

Look, Selina wants to fire somebody.

Obviously, l don't want it to be me.

But honestly, l don't want it to be you.

Oh, go on. Looking forward to
you selling this one to me.

We should form a suicide pact. All right?

If she tries to fire me,
you walk and vice versa.

She's not gonna fire both of us.
That would look like a crisis.

Therefore, she can fire neither of us.

One condition: l watch you die first and l
get to stab you repeatedly to make sure.

McLintock wants in on the suicide pact.

- What?
- Yeah. A classic move.

I did one of these back in the '90s
when l worked for Congressman Hartigan.

Why would we let you in
on our suicide pact?

Because three is better than two.

Not with testicles.

(CLEARS THROAT)

l came across a little email
from you to Macauley's Chief of Staff.

I don't know what you're talking about.

You don't know about an email
that basically confirms

you had talks with Senator Macauley?

What exactly did this email say?

Oh, just something like,

"The senator says, 'Thanks, buddy."'

Well, that's hardly incriminating.

There's probably more where that came from.

I'm getting really good at dacting.

Do you mean un-redacting?

- Taking the black off.
- Yeah, yeah.

Hey, so goofball here
can get in on the suicide pact.

Well, great. The more the merrier.

Team suicide.

So what happened with
your Hartigan suicide pact?

Oh, we got fired.

(GROANS)

Okay, kittens. Time to get drowned.
Let's go.

- Ma'am.
- Yeah.

Gary, where were you
and Selina at lunchtime today?

- We were at my place.
- That's not protocol.

Don't be jealous that
we've taken that step, Sue.

I'm closer to her than you are.

(LAUGHS) What?

Gary, this is not a competition.

Too late. What's her shoe size?

- Seven.
- Seven and a half.

Okay, who are the two cousins
she never wants to see?

Beverly and Michael.

Oh, got lucky there.

Here's the deal, Sue. You
can't win, all right?

Basically, l'm infallible, okay?

Like when you bought pregnancy tests
for the Veep wearing your staff lD?

Infallible like that, Gary?

Gary, look, a staffer at the Post told me.

The guy at the drugstore
saw the badge and sold the story.

Sorry, Gary.

Which is why if one of us goes, we all go.

Huh.

Okay. Then you're all...

Which is why that was just a hypothetical.

That's the exact word
that l'd use for this, Mike.

High-pathetic.

Dan, are you telling me
that if l fired either one of these bozos,

- you would have resigned?
- No, ma'am.

I was never really
committed to this as an idea.

Right. Yeah.

This was a big mistake.
Kind of a joke, really.

Thanks, guys.

Mike, you can't even announce
a suicide pact correctly.

Dan folded pretty quick.

(KNOCKlNG AT DOOR)

Yeah, come in.

Oh, Gary, l need Advil.

L've got a headache the size of Nebraska.

- L'm afraid l can't do that, ma'am.
- What is this?

I have loved this job
more than l've loved life itself.

- Uh-huh.
- Well, equally, 'cause it's been my life.

- And my feelings for you...
- Okay.

Gary, what is this?

It's my letter of resignation.

Okay, Gary, come on.

Is this because your pass
was seen at the drugstore?

You knew?

Is that how the pregnancy story got out?

I mean, seriously. l am not gonna let go
the one person in this core group

that actually gives a shit about me.

Okay, Gary, get a hold of yourself.
I mean...

Who dumped Ted for me today?

Thank you, by the way, for doing that.

- You're welcome.
- L appreciate that.

My God,
resignation completely rejected, all right?

- Would you please get me some ibuprofen?
- L'm your rock.

- Okay, but l need ibuprofen.
- Okay.

All right, suicide pact finished, okay?

- You can get out.
- Okay.

Uh, except you, Ame.

Ma'am?

- Just have a seat.
- Please.

You have to...

Amy, just sit down, okay? Just sit down.

Um... What are we gonna do with you?

What does that mean?

I think you kind of know
what it means, right?

How are we gonna fix this?

Okay, um...

Um, okay, okay.

We could do a piece

in a sympathetic women's magazine
about the loss of the baby.

Buy you some time and some goodwill.

No, you're right. We can't do that.

So why don't...

We say some of us mishandled things

because you were pregnant?

I mean no, no. No, stupid idea.

Okay.

Or, we

could say

the pregnancy test was for me.

Oh, you mean that would be why
you reassigned the Secret Service guy?

'Cause you were feeling too much pressure.

Baby on board. That kind of thing?

Is that what you mean?

Well, yeah. You can mention that.

Okay, well, it's like the
old Amy talking there.

I mean, l can't tell you what to do.

It's kind of a personal thing.

But it's really good to
hear you're thinking.

I need something for my head.

There have been rumors flying around

about a pregnancy
in the Vice President's office.

- Yeah, l had heard.
- Yeah, well,

the baby was mine.

Was yours?

Yes, l had a miscarriage.

Oh, l'm so sorry.

I just wanted to explain
the state of mind l was in

when l made the decision
to reassign Mr. Collins.

- L see.
- Knock-ity knock, knock, knock.

- AMY: Mmm.
- Janet, hey. l didn't know you were here.

Hey, Amers, going on a muffin run.

Can l interest you in a
blueberry bran muffin?

- Anybody?
- L couldn't. Do you?

- No, l'm fine. Thanks.
- Okay. No problem.

I will stand down. Peep you later.

- What?
- Peep you later.

Okay, thank you, Mike.

Do you think you're ready
to be back at work?

Sure. Sure, yeah.

- DAN: Hey.
- Hi.

Hi. Sorry to interrupt.

We're getting a little lunch from the deli.

Wondered if you wanted anything
special from the menu.

Thanks, buddy.

Dan is so good. He's come such a long way.

Would you like Dan to get you anything?

An iced tea would be great.

You know what? That sounds really good.

- Make that two.
- Two iced teas.

Thanks. Oh, and not from here.

From the place that we like
eight blocks away.

Sure, okay.

Is he the father?

Oh, no, no.

Father, no.

He can't.

(MOUTHlNG)