Upload (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Sex Suit - full transcript

Ah, go for it. It's on me.

Dave, it's costing you, like,

20 grand to teach me
how to golf.

I'm worth $50.3 billion.

I've spent more on a, on
an endangered parrot sandwich.

Go on.

(CHIMES)

So remember, head down.

NATHAN: Head down, okay.

Ooh.

That felt nice.



A majestic arc to that one.
A pleasure to behold.

Ah, beginner's luck.

Don't you ever
get bored of this?

(CHUCKLING): Me, bored? No.

You got to understand, Nate,
I lived a life of purpose,

so now this is my reward.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

So get me an Arnold Palmer.

Certainly, sir.

- Arnold.
- Hello, Choak.

Watch this, you piece of shit.

♪ ♪

And then, out of nowhere,

he just tackles
the Arnold Palmer bot.



Supposedly, the real Arnold
cockblocked him for years

when they lived together
on a nudist commune in 1973.

I know.
I-Ivan, your night angel,

showed me some
spicy memory files of Choak,

which I'm pretty sure
he stole and sold.

(SIGHING): Oh, God.

Choak lived this full life,
you know?

It made me think it might be
nice to be old and smug one day,

but I don't have anything
to be smug about.

Just wish I could keep working.

Uh, you're not allowed.

Yeah, life's tough enough

without uploads driving down
wages for us meat folks.

I know,

but they called me a barista
at my funeral.

Yeah?

Well, that's not me, okay?

I-I can contribute
more than that.

I'll see you.

Hey, I want to show you
something.

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

2Gigs please.

(GROANS) Oh, God.

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

What is this place?

Lakeview's lowest class
of upload.

- This is where the 2Gigs live.
- 2Gigs?

Yeah, they only get
two gigs of data a month,

and once they run out,

they can't afford anything.

NORA: Things included
in your level of service...

Your shower,
your view of the lake...

They don't have.

Lean Cuisine
sponsors the cafeteria

to try new recipes.

"Today's Special:
Fiesta Jalapeño Creamed Meat."

- Yikes.
- (SIGHS)

What is this?
It's only the first five pages.

Yup, the free sample.

If they want to read the whole
book, they have to pay extra.

NATHAN:
Oh, hey, love Harry Potter.

All the magic's so cool.

There's magic in Harry Potter?

He's frozen until next month,

unless someone
adds to his account,

but most of them don't have
money of their own.

They don't even get
the basic sweat suit

included in the plan.

Whoa.

Wait.

He doesn't have a penis.

Yeah, it must be
the end of his month.

NATHAN: Oh, man,

he's making clothes
out of Lean Cuisine boxes.

No, that's not...

- Oh.
- Okay.

That's actually
kind of impressive,

but Horizen should just give

anybody a penis, or clothing,
or-or an entire book.

I mean, it's just code.

Well, they want people
to pay for upgrades.

It's called capitalism.

(SIGHS)

NATHAN: Look at this.

This is terrible.

- These people don't deserve this.
- (MUSIC SWELLING)

- I know.
- Nobody deserves this.

Somebody should do something.

Wait, where's that music
coming from?

Oh, uh, I don't know.

- (MUSIC STOPS)
- That's...

weird.

Anyway, Nathan, you were saying?

Maybe my purpose
is to help the 2Gigs.

(PHONE RINGING)

I could give them
some of my breakfast.

It's unlimited.

You know, I'll just need
some bigger pockets.

- I could...
- Babe, where are you?

The Vogue interviewer
is gonna be here any minute.

Is this dress okay?

I wanted to show off
my shoulder blades.

I just got them sharpened.

Oh, my God, did he go too sharp?

He said they were gonna
soften up a bit,

but I think they're too sharp.

Shit. Just hurry up, okay?

(SIGHS) I completely forgot.

Ingrid and I have this interview
about modern love.

I will be back.
I'll see you soon.

Yeah, no. No worries.
I totally get it. Have-have fun.

He should be here any minute.

Well, not here here,
but you know.

So, for the article, I wanted
to refer to relationships

between bios and uploads as

"the ultimate
long-distance relationship."

Oh, my God, totally.
That's exactly what it's like.

- (PHONE RINGING)
- Oh, here he is.

(COUCH RIPS)

That was, that was just a fart.

(CHUCKLES) Sorry.

- Hi, baby.
- Hey, hey.

I'm so sorry I'm late.

Hi, Nathan.
So Ingrid and I were just

talking about what it's like
to go from being

a regular old bio couple
to one that lives

on two different
planes of existence.

Oh, well, I'm not sure
we ever really lived

on the same plane of existence.
(CHUCKLES)

It was a joke.

Oh, no, that's funny.

No... Don't put that in.
Thank you.

I mean, you should've seen him.

He was moved by the 2Gigs.

I mean, it was so cute.

Ugh, that place
is too depressing for me.

But that's nice, your little
play boyfriend wants to help.

- What'd he do?
- He had to leave.

Uh, his girlfriend called.
(SIGHS)

Uh, they had something planned,
I guess.

That is right. Your boyfriend
already has a girlfriend.

So I guess it's her job to worry
about his life's purpose,

and it's your job to worry
about keeping the heat on

- in your apartment.
- I know.

Stop worrying about this guy
and keep your mind on your work.

(CHUCKLES): And clean up
that old dude's unibrow.

Clean it up or fill it in?

(LAUGHS) Wait. No.

Slide it down.

(LAUGHTER)

Ooh...

So, Nathan,
since you were uploaded,

how has
your relationship changed?

Well, honestly,
it just got me thinking a lot

about life and what's
really important to me.

Yeah? But our relationship
hasn't changed at all.

We still talk every day.
Even twice a day, sometimes.

Yeah. I mean, we still talk,
but it's definitely

changed the relationship.

I mean,
now she literally owns me.

- (SCOFFS)
- Really?

Uh, that... that's not
what it sounds like.

(CHUCKLES) Nathan didn't have
an upload plan

at the time of his accident,
so it was the only option.

And now it's just easier
for all of our stuff

to be in the same place,
you know?

Like, uh, couples that share
an e-mail account,

the ultimate trust.

Aw, that's adorbs.

Let's talk about
something more fun.

How's the sex?

Ah, well, we haven't tried it.

Yet. We haven't tried it yet.

We were just waiting
for him to get adjusted.

Oh, I'm sorry.
You were waiting for me?

'Cause I thought you said
the suit was so gross.

Well, that suit looked gross

because a newer model's
coming out, so...

(LAUGHS) we were just, we were
waiting for the new suit.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Speaking of sex, would you like
to watch one of our sex tapes?

My dad got Ang Lee
to edit the body cam footage

from our first night together.

I would absolutely love that.

(CHUCKLES) Okay.
They're on my office computer.

All right, good talk.

(LAUGHS SOFTLY)

- Angel?
- Hey.

- Hey.
- You okay?

No.

I was gonna lie,
but you probably have

some kind of, like, truth
detector button or something.

Well, I don't.

Yeah, of course not.

That's crazy. I knew that.

Mm, no, you didn't.

- My button says you're lying.
- Stop it. Is there a button?

(LAUGHS): Yeah, no. That would
be, like, really intrusive.

(CHUCKLES)

Maybe my boss has one, though.

I don't know.
She can be a real nightmare.

In your experience,
do relationships

between uploads and, uh,
real people ever work?

You're a real person.

Yeah, uh, living people.

Sure. Sometimes.

I mean, they're hard, but maybe
that makes them more worthwhile?

I always root for them.

Sounds corny, I know.

No, it's not.

It's nice.

Ingrid and I, we always had

that physical thing
we could fall back on.

You know? But without it,
it just kind of feels like

we're brother and sister?

If I didn't really like
my sister.

(CHUCKLES) Well,
you know you can still have

a physical relationship
as an upload, right?

Yeah, with the sex suit.

The hug suit.

Some people use it
to hug their kids.

Mm-hmm. When's the last time
an adult called it a hug suit?

The commercial.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Ingrid was grossed out by it,

but now it sounds like
she might want to try it.

It's just, now that
I've seen how things are

without the physical,
not sure I want her to.

Well, it's late.

You should get some sleep,
and I got to clock out.

(EXHALES)

Hey, um...

You want to go back
and see the 2Gigs tomorrow?

NORA: Okay.

Good night, Nathan.

Good night, Nora.

(EXHALES)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Oh, the Vogue interview with you
and Ingrid just dropped.

Oh, how's it look?

It's... intense.

Looks like she's wound
even tighter than she was

at the funeral.

What's going on with that cat?

(SIGHS)

ALL (CHANTING):
Do not end the fight,

upload is a human right!

Do not end the fight, - Yes.

- Upload is a human right!
- Yes!

- (NORA LAUGHS)
- (CHANTING CONTINUES)

♪ ♪

(KNOCKING)

- Ingrid.
- Hey.

Hi.

- Uh, I was just...
- Shh.

(WHISPERING):
I'm wearing the sex suit,

and nothing else.

Uh...

- Hey, hey, hey, um...
- (GIGGLES)

Could we talk for a second?

I need this. I'm...

Baby, I miss our intimacy. I...

- Ing. Hold on.
- No, no, I...

I don't feel like we have
our old connection,

and that's on me.

I'm sorry.

But there's no more
interviews now.

Okay? It's just us.

Nora! You're just in time.

Nathan's hot-as-balls girlfriend

just surprised him
with a sex suit.

(CHUCKLES)

Can you please move
so I can clock in?

Oh, yeah. (CLEARS THROAT)

(EXHALES)

(SIGHS)

(BOTH PANTING)

Can you feel me?

Yeah. Actually, your feet
are warm for once.

- Yeah?
- Uh-huh.

Mm...

(BOTH SIGH)

Your skin, it's so... soft.

Yeah. Yours, too.

Are you ready?

- Yeah.
- (WHISPERS): Okay.

Um... what's wrong?

Hmm?

Uh... I don't know.

- Tech support!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you doing?

Well, it's got to be
some sort of tech issue. Right?

- No.
- Tech support!

No-no-no, no-no.
No support. We're fine.

- Tech support!
- We're fine. It's...

- Assistance!
- No.

- Things are...
- And, hon, listen...

- Things are okay.
- Tech... support.

That's not how this works.

- What if I try it down here?
- No. No, no, no.

- Hey!
- Oh, fuck.

- Hey! Hey!
- We're fine.

- Everything's fine.
- We need help!

- Hey! SOS!
- (BEEPING)

- NATHAN: No!
- INGRID: Assistance!

(BEEPING CONTINUES)

(SIGHS)

(ALERT CHIMES)

I could do it.

- Go home.
- Right.

You smell great, by the way,
just... I'm gonna...

- Go!
- I'm going. Yeah.

(ALERT CHIMES)

- Hi.
- (SIGHS)

- You called?
- Yeah. Finally.

There's some sort of tech issue
happening with Nathan's dick.

Okay...

- It's not getting hard.
- Thank you.

- Ah. I see.
- Yeah.

We've never had
this problem before.

Like, never.

And for the record, I have never

had this problem before
with anyone.

So...

- it's not me. (CHUCKLES)
- (GLASS BREAKING)

Hey. Fuck. Clyde.

Clyde. Hey! (HISSES)

- Hey! Stop it.
- (FINGERS SNAPPING)

- (CLATTERING)
- Clyde.

Hey! Hey! Hey-hey-hey-hey.

Get down! Fuck.

Hey. (HISSES) Hey.

(SIGHS)

I'm so sorry.

Hey, it's fine.

You don't owe me an explanation.

It's your life.

Um... I guess...

we'd better fix you up

before she gets back.

(EXHALES)

Everything is properly connected

on our end, so I'll need to test
for responsiveness

to further assist the issue.

Is that okay?

Do you feel that?

How about that?

(QUIETLY): Yes.

INGRID:
Oh, my... What is going on here?

I'm so sorry about that.
My cat was being a total douche.

- (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
- Oh.

It worked.

So I was like, "Let me test
for responsiveness."

Then I literally threw a blanket
over this girl's head

and felt up her boyfriend.
(CHUCKLES)

And... I put on
my sexy voice, too.

You have a sexy voice?

I do.

I said it like this:

"Can you feel anything?"

And I lightly touched his chest

and we locked eyes
and then, holy shit.

You turned his software
into hardware?

- Oh, yeah.
- Girl, and then what happened?

His girlfriend came back and
then he used it on her, so...

Yep.

Dang, that's messed up.
So what about your lady boner?

It's still there. Rock hard.

You know what I'm gonna say,
don't you?

"Give it one more chance
and see where it goes"?

Get the fuck back on Nitely.

Its algorithm is responsible
for tons of real relationships.

(GROANS) - The quickest
way to get over a guy

is to get under a new one.

Reinstall Nitely.

Reinstall Nitely.

See? You already
got a new match.

"Can I cum over?"

It's a pun.

- Look at those abs.
- Those abs.

(BOTH LAUGH) - IVAN: You know,
if I wrote that,

it'd be a deal breaker, right?
(CHUCKLES)

Why are you still here?

Oh, what's up, Aleesa?

- Nope.
- It's Aleesha.

- Right.
- Bye.

(SIGHS)

I'd like to speak
with the manager.

The store is designed
to be completely automated.

Please put your purchase
on the conveyor.

Manager.

Let's see if I can
help you first.

If this is a problem
with a product, say "product."

If the store is on fire,
say "fire."

If you are stuck in the door
and the store is on fire,

say "screams."

"Human manager."

The wait to speak
to a human is 300 minutes.

If the bathroom is unstocked,
say "tissue paper."

If a patron is having a baby,
say "miracle."

(BEEPS)

Is this dehydrated fruit salad
or is this a queen bed?

What do you think?

Let me talk
to a manager, please.

MANAGER (OVER SPEAKER):
Grab another bed from the rack, okay?

My name is Fran Booth.

I am a part-time
private investigator,

and I need to take a look
at your security camera footage

from November 24.

MANAGER: Aw, shit. Uh...

Okay. Uh, hold on.

- (WOMAN SPEAKING FRENCH)
- (SPEAKING FRENCH)

Follow me.

300 minutes?

(CHUCKLES):
More like 50 seconds, dummy.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

- (SIGHS) You...
- You again?

- You tricked me.
- I tricked you?

Mm-hmm. See, you got
a new username and picture.

I deleted the app and I had
to use a different name

when I reinsta... but you?

"Henry"? I mean, you got
different dummy accounts

with different names
and everything. I mean...

I mean, is this even your hot,
chiseled, sweaty torso?

No.

- Fuck it. Come in.
- Oh...

(BOTH MOAN)

- This is so hot.
- No talking today.

♪ ♪

(MOANS, SIGHS)

Mm...

Are you okay?

Yep.

Oh, okay. I thought for a second
something was wrong.

(EXHALES) You know, it's weird.

Normally, when girls come,
it sounds different.

Like, uh, not as real
as you sound.

So, do I get five stars
this time?

Oh, yeah, definitely.

Oh, I'll do it right now.

What the hell?

Payback.

(QUIETLY): Hey, babe.

Are you awake?

(EXHALES)

(SQUEAKS)

(SIGHS)

Yeah, so that was totally fun.

Look, I don't know about you,

- but we should do that again sometime.
- Okay, bye.

(EXHALES)

(KEYBOARD CLICKING)

(CHUCKLES): Oh...

Forgot to kill your boyfriend?

Careful, Ingrid.

The camera adds ten years.

In jail. (LAUGHS)

(KEYBOARD CLICKING)