Upload (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - The Funeral - full transcript

NEWS ANCHOR:
If you're just joining,

we are about to witness
a human consciousness

reinserted into
a printed clone body.

Kristina Soon is reporting from
the site of the first download.

Kristina, what are scientists
saying about

the implications
of today's procedure?

Well, that they are effectively
reversing the upload process,

bringing us closer
to endless corporeal life.

Thanks, Kristina. More from you
in Cupertino in a moment.

COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCER:
Oscar Mayer Intel.

Pushing the boundaries of meat.



(EXHALES) Big night.

It'll be perfect.
Everything's set.

No, I was talking about
the download.

That could be me soon.

IVAN: And there.

(EXHALES)

Not bad for a dead guy.

So dope, right?

I don't know. It had more...

wow factor in the picture.

How about... Oh.

This one.

(WHOOPS) Yes.

Yes. This is it. I love it.



This just feels right.

Uh...

You look like a Jonas brother.

NATHAN: Great.
Tonight's about me anyway.

I don't think so.
Can I see... this one?

If you upgrade
to Timberlake Plus.

Okay.

(EXHALES)

Do I dare?

Dare.

INGRID: Yes.

Uh, maybe we save the money
for a download.

Are you kidding?
It's perfect, babe. Go on.

(EXHALES)

Oh, hey, hey, hey. Hi.

Boundaries.

Relax, it's just the AI
doing its job.

Okay.

- Let's talk boutonnieres.
- (GASPS) Yes.

- Eh, not really my style.
- Baby, come on.

Today is our day. Right?

I've been planning
every detail for a month.

Okay.

Good boyf. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

- Rianne, turn your fucking walkie on.
- Jesus.

No, Sheri needs candle duty
backup. What have I...

(EXHALES)

Good move just saying yes, bro.

As the account holder,
she's got all the power.

- (SCOFFS) Please.
- Hey, man.

You want to fight her,
it's your funeral.

- I can't deal with any more hiccups.
- Oh, shit.

- I can't.
- Hey. Hey, come here. (SHUSHES)

Everything is gonna be great.

It's not about the food
or the decorations.

- Kinda.
- It's about having your friends and family

all gathered to honor you.
All right?

I'm gonna love it. I promise.

- (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
- Not to party poop,

but upload funerals
tend to be a little, mm... lame.

No, I think you're just
predicting your own,

which will probably be
poorly attended,

but I was very popular.

I've been waiting
my whole life for this.

- Tonight's gonna fucking rock.
- (WHISPERS): Yeah.

Okay.

Oh, shit!

(LAUGHS) Are we good here?

'Cause, uh, I'm gonna
go watch this on a real TV.

Uh, no offense.

KRISTINA:
There are about 200 people

in the room here
witnessing this.

You can go, too.

- Ugh.
- KRISTINA: In seconds, the consciousness

of Rupert Tilford
will be reinserted

into this clone body,
printed by Oscar Meyer Intel

from his DNA.

NATHAN: This is my ticket home.

KRISTINA:
Tilford had the winning bid of

$4 billion,
earning him the distinction of

becoming the first download
in human history.

NEWS ANCHOR: Many
would agree the opportunity

to live again in real life
is worth any price.

KRISTINA:
Okay, the team is now cueing up

the reinsertion process.

This will carry
thousands of terabytes of data

- into the clone.
- NEWS ANCHOR: And that data,

- that's his consciousness, right?
- KRISTINA: Correct.

The machine is
a reverse Scanner,

reorganizing
the synaptic connections

in his brain cells.

(BEEPING, WHIRRING)

Rupert, can you hear me?

(APPLAUSE)

They've made contact.

Uh... (SNIFFS)
I-I smell... (SNIFFS)

uh, sweat.

It's fantastic. (CHUCKLES)

I'm me again.

Can you feel any sensation?

(CHUCKLING):
I can feel everything.

It's so beautiful.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

(SNIFFS, MOANS)

Oh. Look.

(CHUCKLING):
Look, my fingers, my toes.

It worked!

What? What's the matter?

Oh. Oh, no.

LEAD SCIENTIST:
Uh, levels are dropping.

- Inject reserve unit supply.
- (ALARMS BEEPING)

(GRUNTING)

O-Okay, okay, stop.

Okay, this doesn't feel good.

- Mm...
- Ew.

Re-upload me.

- Re-upload me! Now!
- (BEEPING CONTINUES)

Fucking upload me! Now!
Fuck science!

(HORRIFIED MURMURS)

(SUSTAINED BEEPING)

This is Kris...

Yeah, fuck those
motherfucking tech assholes!

"Upload me! Upload me!"

(SIGHS) Mm-hmm.

(CHUCKLES) Well, I...

guess I'll be here
a little longer than we thought.

That's okay, baby.

'Cause I'll be right here
with you.

Oh.

Oh, bebs,
they just opened the doors.

I got to go.

(EXHALES)

Oh, shit.

How fast can you fix this?

♪ ♪

ERNIE:
How are you feeling, Luke?

Lately? Can't complain.

I feel like I found
a really great friend in Nathan,

so if I ever start to feel
weird, I just focus on that.

Really? That was fast.

And his funeral is soon, so...

when I'm the perfect shoulder
to lean on,

I think we'll hit
best friend status.

Possibly.

Wait. What do you know?

Well, are you sure
you're invited?

Doesn't his funeral start
in ten minutes?

Yeah. We got to
cut it short today.

Angel! (GASPS)

- What room is Nathan New Guy in?
- Which Nathan? Nathan Greenstein?

- Sure, Nathan New Guy.
- 10440.

Ew, God, no! Angel!

- What?
- Young Nathan New Guy!

- Oh, the chisely one? Uh, Nathan Brown?
- Yes!

Oh, well, have you considered
minding your own damn business?

(GROANS) - I cannot keep giving
you information just because you...

- I don't have time for this bullshit. One star!
- Ask me for the information.

- Angel supervisor!
- Wait, no, no, no, you don't have to...

- You don't have to...
- Hi.

My dumb angel is sucking again.
I need the room of

my close friend and confidante,
Nathan Brown.

I will throw myself
into the torrent right now

if I don't get it;
That's how frustrating

she's making this whole process.

Thank you for your feedback.
I can assist you.

Nathan Brown is in 10556.

- Thank you.
- You're so welcome.

Jesus Christ, I almost
killed myself because of you.

You know, when you say that,

- it doesn't really have a meaning anymore, so...
- Damn it.

He's already heading over,
and he looks fantastic.

Angel, formal suit options.

Don't forget to
keep your chin up, okay?

Hi. Enjoy the gift bags.

Ingrid.

You outdid yourself.

And may I say,
mourning suits you.

Aw, Derek. Nathan's really
looking forward to seeing you.

That's a... that's a nice suit.

Hey, you are gonna
bounce back so fast.

- You're such a strong woman.
- (CHUCKLES)

How much is it costing you
to keep him up there?

Just curious. I mean...
Don't get me wrong,

I love the guy. Love the guy.
I'd do anything for him.

But, uh, you know
you can do better. Right?

- Right?
- (CHUCKLES): Okay.

Wow.

Oh, yeah, I remember that.

(SIGHS) That was one of
my top five haircuts.

(CHUCKLES)

Wouldn't miss it for the world.
(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES): Hey. What?
Wait, what now?

Do you need a minute?
On your count, you let me know.

Oh, you're here for the funeral.

Um, actually,
my girlfriend kind of

planned the whole thing and...

she's trying to keep it
pretty small.

(SHORT BUZZ)

- (SHORT BUZZ)
- What?

- Come on!
- Look, man, I didn't want to play

the vet card this early
in our best friendship,

- but I wore my dress blues.
- Yeah, I'm not gonna argue with that.

- Let's do this.
- Yes!

- And, uh, Luke?
- Yes.

Cool.

- (MELODIC CHIME)
- Oh.

(SIGHS)

(GASPS) Nathan.

I'm so sorry about your death.

And so pleased about
your britches.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) - I do
hope that style returns permanently.

Well, thanks for coming,
Mildred, um...

(SMACKS LIPS)

Mm.

Oh.

Who is that?

Ingrid's grandmother.

Yeah, she a hundred years old.

Okay, but, like,
she's hot, right?

Something about that
Great Depression vibe,

like she'd do anything
for a can of soup.

- Yeah.
- (BOTH CHUCKLE)

♪ ♪

(QUIET CHATTER)

(SIGHS)

Oh.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(INGRID AND NATHAN SIGH)

Ing-lo Saxon.

My Brownie. Hi.

- (ZAPPING)
- Ooh. Ow.

- Sorry.
- It's okay. Just say hi to my folks.

Hey, guys. Thanks for coming.

Well, we love Lakeview

and we are a Horizen family,
after all.

Three generations
of unlimited data.

Yeah. Jack, your hair looks
really clean today.

Mommy washed it.

- All right.
- (DEREK IMITATES GUNFIRE)

Nath-him? I barely knew him.
(LAUGHS)

- D-bag. D-money. What's...
- (ZAPPING)

- Fuck me. I forgot.
- Yeah.

You're dead, man. What's up?

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(IMITATING GUNSHOTS)

I'll take some of that action.

(IMITATING GUNSHOTS)

Hey, man, is Jamie with you?

I don't know, man.

I-I went to pick him up
and he flaked on me.

Said he had too much work to do,
said you left him

- "in a jam."
- No.

He's not returning my calls.

Hold on.

- Oh.
- Hey.

Mom.

(LAUGHS SOFTLY)
You look so real.

I am real, Mom.

Well, I watched your head
burn off.

NATHAN: Okay.

How's the food?

Oh, that's the best part.
We get to eat

maple bacon doughnuts
for breakfast every day.

Ooh, I've never had
one of those.

- (CHUCKLES)
- Remember when

I used to pull a quarter
from your ear?

I can't do that now,
'cause you're in a video game.

What a beautiful day

for the celebration of our
dearly uploaded Nathan Brown.

Brought to you by L'Oréal.

Please enjoy
a randomly generated slideshow

of Nathan's own memories
and iPhoto library

on the screen above me.

VIV: On Saturday,
he ate through one slice of chocolate cake,

- one ice cream cone...
- (CHOIR SINGING OVER VIDEO)

Aw, my PAW Patrol lamp.

One slice of cheese,
one slice of salami,

one lollipop, one...

(PHONE RINGING)

- (CLEARS THROAT)
- (TENNIS PLAYERS GRUNTING)

Ooh. Be right back.

What's with the waves?

I don't know.

It's a setting.

They-they use it
to cover nudity.

Probably in this case,
jerking off.

- (SOFT LAUGHTER)
- Perfect.

How do you know Nathan?

Oh, me?
Uh, we, uh, work together.

- Mm.
- You?

Engineering school.
Carnegie Mellon.

I'm Bethany.

- Holden.
- Glynn.

Nora.

So, what was Nathan like
in college?

He was a well-adjusted freshman
that got hotter every year.

By the end, he had a minor
in narcissism.

- It was a campus full of nerds.
- Yes.

So he was a big fish
in a small pond.

He was a barracuda
in a fucking toilet bowl.

(LAUGHS)

Not cocky,
just on top of the world.

- He was a good boyfriend though.
- Yeah.

- True.
- Wait.

You all dated him?

Yeah, there was a gap
between each of us...

A small gap, but a gap.

Huh.

Did you ever date Nathan?

Oh, uh, no.

I don't, I don't think
I'm his type.

- At-at all.
- Really?

Yeah, I think you are.

- Oh. (GIGGLES)
- (CAMERA CLICKING)

I don't know.

No. Try one more, one more.

- (ZIPPER UNZIPS)
- (LAUGHS) Ew.

Stop, that's so bad.

Hey. How do you think
this is going?

This is going
pretty well, right?

Wait, where are they going?

Oh, Rams game.

Hey, baby.

(KISSING)

(NATHAN LAUGHS)

♪ ♪

(SIREN WAILING)

Lord...

I googled Nathan Brown.

And I liked what I saw.

Our Nathan was a son, a friend,

a one-time catalog model.

Two-time. Two-time.

Accomplished barista...

and an avid fan of
a violent children's game.

What, is he doing a Mad Libs?

I gave him some basic info
about you.

- He's not wrong.
- No, he-he's making me sound immature.

I had big things in the works.

Well, that didn't exactly
pan out.

REVEREND: You gave
Methuselah a thousand years

and he praised your name.

- (QUIET BEEP)
- Lord, you gave Noah

950 years,

hallelu!

- Psalm 88:10.
- (LAUGHS)

(GROANING QUIETLY) - Do
you show your wonders to the dead?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Do their spirits rise up

and praise you?!

So with zero seconds to spare,
goggle rings around my eyes.

What? Thank God for Gina.

What-what'd she do...

- (CROWD CHEERING)
- Hey. Hey, turn it back.

UNCLE LARRY:
I'm just checking the score.

Right now.

So, how do you know Nathan?

We won a SoCal Shoot the World
tournament back in 2030.

In the gaming community,
they call me "Bear Claw."

No big deal. You play?

God, no. No.
But I was active duty,

which is, you know,
shooting the real world.

In the Army community,
they call me "corporal."

Very big deal.

Cool.

Ah, I wish we could've given you
a ceremony that was more you.

Money's just tight these days.

But things are okay, right?

I-I mean, you got the payout
from the business with Jamie?

We got your equity shares.

And to be honest,
it wasn't very much.

I-I mean, Jamie said a lot
went to tying up loose ends

'cause you didn't
finish the work.

You're Ingrid Kannerman.

Those are a lot
of hors d'oeuvres.

I'm sorry, who are you?

Fran Booth, investigator.

Health investigator?

No, a suspicious circumstances
investigator.

Think of me
as a famous detective.

I have questions for you
about the night of the incident.

Question one...

Hmm, you suddenly stiffened.

Nervous?

I'm just trying
to understand the context

of your so-called boyfriend's
premature upload.

Okay, he's my
boyfriend-boyfriend,

and it was not premature.

He was dying.

Not according to the hospital.

His vitals were going back up.

In case you were hoping for a
big payout from the car company,

hope for something else.

Okay. Fran, is it?

So there's some really amazing
deep hair conditioning masks

in those gift bags over there.

Maybe you should
check those out.

Hair masks are for ding-dongs.

Okay. I'm gonna say a few words.

- I'll be listening.
- That's good.

- That's why I told you.
- Yeah.

Bye.

(INGRID CLEARS THROAT)

Excuse me. Thank you.

Thank you all for being here
to celebrate

in this beautiful location,
with a well-curated menu

and tasteful
floral arrangements.

Though today has been
blissfully perfect in many ways,

we need to remember
a tragic event

that happened
to a very important person:

Rupert Tilford.

What?

The download misfire
was a shock to us all,

as men and women
of good conscience

and as a global community.

Now, you can focus
on the bloody aftermath...

And there was a lot of blood...

Or... you can focus
on those beautiful four seconds,

when an upload was
back in his own body.

Come on.

Now, I choose to live
in those four seconds,

because positive thinking
is truly the most powerful force

we have in this world.

Am I right?

So...

to those four seconds.

(MAN COUGHS)

Those four seconds!

Thank you.

(QUIET CHATTER)

Uh... (CLEARS THROAT) Hey.

Babe, um, can you clink
your glass again for me?

- Oh. Sure, booby. (LAUGHS)
- Thanks.

Whoops. One more.

(NATHAN CLEARS THROAT)

Hey. Hey, everyone.

Um, thank you all for coming.

At this time,
I would just like to ask,

you know, any of my friends
if they want to say...

anything... about me.

I-I always knew you jerked it
to women's tennis.

- Okay.
- Was it the grunting, or...?

(LAUGHS)

Okay.

Would anyone other than Uncle...

Uncle Larry,
put your fucking hand down.

Anyone else at all want to
(CLEARS THROAT) say something?

Maybe a nice eulogy? Derek?

Oh, he's gone.

(CLEARS THROAT) Um, okay.

Uh, Bobby?

Jamie?

No-shows.

Um...

Willia... (CHUCKLES)

William!

William.

Uh, as, uh,

manager of Nathan's
apartment complex...

No. No, no. No.

Uh, other William?

He left.

He was a nice guy.

We both were named William.

Oh, God.
Uh, let's go to New York.

Maybe...

Oh.

Hey, Bethany, Glynn, Holden.

- Hey.
- Hey. -Hi.

What?

Hi.

INGRID: No!

No more exes, please.

What was wrong with my speech?

Uh...

well, you didn't even
mention me.

I mean, not that I got
to choose any details,

but to not even be mentioned?

Okay, do you have something
you want to say?

A month ago, I wasn't even
planning on attending

my own funeral,

but I really never
would've guessed

that it would suck this hard.

Suck?

Italian cortito suit.

- Oh, God.
- Boutonniere.

(SPUTTERS) - Minibar
chips at nine bucks a bag.

- I put those back.
- How about therapy dog?

- Angel service?
- Great. Great.

Why don't you just delete me,
save all the money?

Okay, don't tempt me.

Your friend Derek made it pretty
clear I could go home with him.

(SIGHS)

You're right.

I'm just being ungrateful.

So let's just do
whatever you want.

(WHISPERS): Thank you.

(GROANS SOFTLY)

- This is too sad.
- Yeah.

We're gonna get a table
across the street,

if you want to join.

Oh, uh, I can't.

Long commute home.

But... thanks.

Yeah. It was
really great to meet you,

even if it did get a little dark
towards the end there.

(SIGHS)

Hey, Cousin Fran.

Nice of you to come.

Sorry for your loss.

Do you have any enemies,

and can you list them
in order of most likely

to want to kill you
to least likely?

What? What is this about?

I'm helping your mom sue
Google Motors.

It is my theory
your car was tampered with.

But you're not an investigator.

You're a middle school
gym teacher.

I'm excellent at puzzles.

Okay. Well... (CHUCKLES)

I don't remember
having any enemies.

But I have been having
some memory problems lately.

Oh, just like your car.

(LOUDLY): Interesting.

Right.

- Well, enjoy the snacks, Fran.
- I have.

INGRID: Please grab a L'Oréal
gift bag on your way out.

Thank you.

You know I didn't mean those
things I said before, right?

I know, babe.

Best funeral ever.

Yeah.

It was.

Okay, Rianne! Where are you?

Rianne?

Yo, dog.

Check it.

Hmm.

- (SIGHS)
- That you?

Yeah.

The new Botox Babies dropped.

- I saved it to watch together.
- (BABIES CRYING)

(LAUGHS): Oh, yes.

You're the best.

All right, give me two seconds.

Just want to see if someone
is working late in L.A.

Call Josh Pitzer.

(PHONE SPEED DIALS)

Josh Pitzer.

Mr. Pitzer. Hi.

Nora Antony from New York.

Christ, it's, like,
1:00 a.m. there.

Why are you stalking me?

I had a couple questions
about Nathan Brown, who came in

with Jamie Arpaz to talk
about a project called Beyond.

I'm not going to confirm
or deny any of that,

and the fact
you have knowledge of it

tells me that someone's
broken an NDA, so...

Nathan Brown is dead.

I was just at his funeral.

Wow.

They were both so young. Um...

I mean, I was angry

at the one who refused to sell,
but I would never want this.

Which one died?

Was it the shy one or the-the
really good-looking guy?

The really good-looking guy.

Tell me, why did they refuse
your investment?

They didn't.
I mean, I don't know

who you're talking about,
and none of that ever happened.

(SIGHS SOFTLY)

- Jamie.
- (PHONE SPEED DIALS)

AUTOMATED VOICE:
The person at 2-1-3-5-

- M-percent-sign-
- (SCOFFS)

5-7-3-1-8-9-2 is not available.

To leave a message,
begin speaking at the tone.

(ELECTRONIC TONE)

Hey. It was my funeral today.

Yeah. Derek was there.

He was a huge dick.

I guess he was
hitting on Ingrid.

Uh... oh, but I had a nice toast
given to me

by my apartment manager
William, so...

that was a huge highlight.

Anyway, it was just weird
seeing everybody.

Or, well, almost everybody.

Give me a call sometime, man.

Looks like I'll be here
for a while.

(CHUCKLES): Unless Ingrid
decides to stop paying the bills.

(SIGHS)

Okay.

I've had about enough
of today, but...

you know,
tomorrow's a new one, right?

Maybe I'll talk to you then.

("THE BOTTOM OF IT"
BY FRUIT BATS PLAYING)

- (EXHALES)
- (SINGER VOCALIZING)

♪ Now that you've gotten
to the autumn of ♪

♪ Your years
and you feel your best yet ♪

♪ So happy that you got
to the bottom of ♪

♪ The fears that
were fettering you ♪

♪ And you found a round stone ♪

♪ And you're wearing it around
like a jewel. ♪

♪ ♪