Untitled Alan Partridge BBC Series (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - Episode #2.3 - full transcript

Twixt here and the horizon,

flush to the sky,
lies a carpet of people,

a meadow of EYES,
an orchard of ears,

aquiver with glee,

a nation reflected in the BBC.

Wolf Hall, Panorama -
cerebral telly, prestige drama,

and for those what
don't get no grammar,

Call the Midwife,
Homes Under The Hammer.

A flickering friend in nights drawn
cold, a teat for the young,

a stick for the old.

My dad watched the Beeb,
just as my mum did,



despite our concerns o'er the way
it is funded.

'Course, there were morsels on ITV,

but quality, consistency, the BBC.

Look, I said, look
at the delights up on screen.

A good goal in football,
a speech by the Queen.

Blue Peter, felt tips,
sticky back plastic.

Pan's People, lovely hips -
they look fantastic.

We've moved on from that now,
as indeed we oughta.

Just harmless fun?

It could have been your daughter!

Still, three cheers from
stakeholders and licence fee payers.

This ode like an onion
with multiple layers.

I simply request
that my message is heard.

That my thoughts now take
wing like the flight of a bird.



BIRD CAWS IN DISTANCE

Hello, and welcome once again.

His name's Alan, my name's Jen.

And although you may
not like my rhyme,

we hope that you enjoy This Time.
SCATTERED APPLAUSE

Oh, thank you. Not the finest poem
you'll ever hear.

Certainly not a patch on yours.

Well, they're different,
aren't they?

Er, funny story.

I was due to shoot a piece about
corruption at Crufts

called Bent Breeders,

but they cancelled after
a Schnauzer bitch went berserk.

Er, so, I found myself with a film
crew and I just said,

"Hey, guys, mind if I try something
real quick?"

Well, we're very glad you did,

and I hope everything's all right
at Crufts.

Yeah, it was just one dog,

but Clare Balding was quite
badly shaken.

But it's under control now.
She's been destroyed.

Er, the dog, obviously,
not Clare Balding.

Well, either way,
thoroughly enjoyable,

especially the bit with the rapping.

Yes, that was deliberate. Mm?

Because kids like rap,

and although I've never been
a fan of the crude stuff,

I had my mind changed completely
when I was dragged to see Hamilton.

Hamilton? I loved Hamilton.
Did you like it?

YES! I did. Once I was able to
re-adjust from the initial

disappointment that it wasn't a
musical about Lewis Hamilton.

SHE LAUGHS
I'd go and see that.

A winning FORMULA!

Do you know what? That's the title!
That's the title!

I tell you,
someone is going to do it,

and I know for a fact
that the stage at the Lyceum,

you could fit three
Formula 1 cars side-by-side

and still have space to
dance around them.

Food for thought. Yeah, well...

But first tonight, some good news.

On Monday's show we brought you
the story of Andrew Hannan -

confined to a wheelchair and living
in a flat that had seen better days.

Unable to afford a refurb, he faced
the prospect of moving home,

but that was
until our viewers got wind of it.

And boy, did they rally round!
They did.

Yeah. Painters, decorators,
builders - many of them British -

carpet layers, gardeners - anyone
who has two sugars in their tea

got in touch to muck in and give
Andrew the home he deserves.

To tell us more, here's the man with
the helping hand and the funny bone,

Simon Denton.

Simon Denton. Yes. You've been at
the epicentre of the operation...

Oh, God, yeah. ..fielding calls,
emails, tweets, you name it.

A hive of activity.

The nerve centre!
Cables everywhere.

It was like Spaghetti Junction!

Have you ever seen Spaghetti
Junction? Got a helicopter ride over

it for my 40th. Best present I've
ever bought myself.

Stunning piece of engineering.
It's quite humbling, isn't it?

The lengths those engineers went to,
just so the ordinary road users,

men and women that
they would never meet,

could avoid going into Birmingham.

When I think about that,
I actually get quite choked up.

Much like Spaghetti Junction
on a Monday morning.

Funny! Funny thing to say.

Give us some examples.

Yes! So,
a lot of good Samaritans out there.

The curtains came from...

..Saringdons Curtains, erm,
for free.

So, thanks to the team there.
So kind.

It really restores your faith in
humanity. Oh, God, doesn't it just?

Thanks to Dennis in Cardiff
for doing the tiling.

Hello, Dennis! Dennis Nilsen?

Isn't that the guy who buried
the bodies under the floor?

Hm, maybe that's why he's
so good at tiling.

SIMON CHUCKLES
Yeah, it's a different guy, though.

Oh, God, yeah... Must be.

Yeah. Loads more coming up on the
screen. You're doing great.

Thank you.
The guys at SPR Brickwork,

they installed a chimney
and wood burner.

Affordable craftsmanship since 1990.
Sorry?

Affordable craftsmanship since 1990.

And a huge thank you to British Gas
who came forward and said they would

supply Andrew with
a new boiler, free of charge,

and they've asked me to point out,
with over 50 years of experience

and teams of qualified engineers
fitting more boilers than any other

supplier, British Gas means peace
of mind, just when you need it most.

Yeah, almost sounds like an advert.

Well, I had to say I'd mention them
so they'd give us the boiler.

Bit more than a mention.

You wonder what they'd pay for that
kind of exposure

if this was a commercial channel.
How do you mean?

Well, 30-second slot? Peak time.
Got to be 20K. Easily.

How much was the boiler?
900 quid, very affordable.

Yeah. Cost price to them? 200?

Probably about that.
Has this got a calculator function?

There you go. So, that's a yes.

20,000 minus the 200 cost to them...

..is 19,800...

..divided by the 20,000 again...

..times 100...

..is 99. Yep.

So, you've essentially given
British Gas Plc

a 99% discount on a pretty plum
piece of advertising real estate.

Saw you coming, mate. Maybe they'll
pass it on to their customers.

Come on.

British Gas are laughing at you,
Simon. Finally, someone is.

It's a funny joke,
but it's against yourself.

But it's against myself.
Yes, it is.

Right, Jennie, back to you, please.
Thanks, Alan.

Now, when we say we welcome
your views, we mean it -

in good times and in bad.

So, when Guardian columnist
Dan Milner took the show to task,

and Alan in particular... Why am I
always getting it in the neck?

I don't mind. I don't know.

Took him to task over what
he called a dereliction of basic

journalistic standards,
we took it on the chin.

Well, Dan is here today for a
grown-up discussion about where

he thinks we've gone wrong.

But first, a reminder of
what he wrote.

OFF-SCREEN: And we're off.

Alan. Alan!

Back of the sofa.

The last producer would never have
made you do this.

They're throwing you to the wolves.

Lynn, it's The Guardian,
they're hardly wolves.

More like hamsters who vote Labour.
Do you want to hunker?

Yes. These intellectuals have it
in for traditional people like us.

"Traditional people"?
Well, you know.

Do you mean white people?

Well, not necessarily.
I can't believe I've taken a knee

for a chat about white people!

You'd think he'd be more careful.
What does that mean?

Well, I don't like to say.
Yes, you do.

He's having an affair with a woman
from ITN called Hermione Kent.

Lynn, what a man chooses to
do in the back of his Range Rover

with another woman...
Hermione Kent.

Stop telling me her name. I'm not
going to wave his infidelities

around like a big stick.

But it's better than that.
It's a snooker ball and a sock.

Alan? Positions.

Hermione Kent.

And we're back on in five, four...

I'm joined now by the man who quite
simply brandishes the most

acerbic left-of-centre digital quill
in wherever Fleet Street is now.

Dan Milner, welcome.
Good of you to have me on.

Now, Dan, you said some pretty
strong things

about me in your newspaper.

No, no, no. I've got
nothing against you whatsoever.

Oh, good. Well, that's a relief,

because I've also written
things in the heat of the moment

and then the next day you think to
yourself, "I didn't mean any of

"that, I just got carried away.
Of course I'm not going to boycott

"Costa Coffee and its affiliate
brands nationwide."

I meant I've got nothing against you
personally.

I still think the show is
pretty lousy... Right.

..and is a clumsy attempt by the BBC
to broaden its appeal

at the expense of its own
journalistic standards.

Where once there was real analysis,

now we have chit-chats
about Kit Kats.

OK. Chit-chat and banter came top
of our viewers' demands

in our focus groups.
Well, I find that...

Isn't that right, Simon?
Right at the top.

Yes. Just below "more of Jennie".
Right near the top.

So, if that was the issue...
Did you read my piece?

I read a redacted version,
but I pieced together

the gist from the bits that
my assistant left un-Tipp-Exed.

Well, it contained good news as well
as bad news. Some of your reports

were just about passable.
And the good news?

That is the good news.
Right.

The bad news is you've failed to
meet some of the most basic

rudiments of TV journalism.
Give me an example.

Your piece on female Olympic
swimmers ended up being ten minutes

of you discussing
women with big feet.

Yes, and I wasn't happy with that

and raised my concerns with
the appropriate people.

It was your report, Alan.

Give me another example.

Last week, you went to the home
of the man who invented hand dryers.

You're damn right I did, because the
hand dryers in the toilets

on most rail services in the UK are
an absolute disgrace!

He was a man in his 80s. You ended
up shouting questions through his

letterbox on your hands and knees.
It's called holding the powerful

to account.
On your hands and knees?

The letterbox was at the bottom
of his door, which is where some

people have them - I don't know why!

You could be investigating things
that really matter.

Look, things like refugees,
or Syria, or land mines,

all that stuff, might matter to your
readers, but my audience are more

concerned about
hand dryers, speed bumps

and bigger fines for dog dirt.

The BBC has Reithian values to
uphold. Lord Reith will have turned

in his grave so much he's probably
drilled his way to France. Nah.

His body would break up once
it hit sedimentary rock.

Lucky him, he'd be spared another
episode of your show.

Alexander Pope said, "A little
knowledge is a dangerous thing."

This show falls short of even that,
with every feature reduced to

bite-size nuggets,
appealing only to those with ADD.

Where's the empathy for people
affected by things?

There isn't any.

Fair point.
But, you know, it's hard.

It's all right for you. You've got
loads of empathy. You know, whether

it's for Joe Bloggs in London,
Sandra in Carlisle,

or Hermione in Kent.

You just seem to be able to, I don't
know, put yourself inside them.

Look...

I want...
HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

I want this programme to succeed,

and maybe my piece was
a touch colourful.

Mm. I'd also say...

..sometimes you write a column
and then afterwards realise maybe

it was 80% wrong and 20% right.

Only 80? Or 90.
A bit more? 94.

Yeah, that'll do.
Besides, no-one's perfect.

I know some people look
at your paper and think,

"It's posh men with three letter
names like Dan, Ben, Tom or Tim

pretending to be ordinary because

they've got teenage sons
and a messy hallway.

Do you know what I mean about the
Tim, Tom, Ben, Dan factor, Dan?

Yes. It's not really news, is it?

It's more of a clumsy attempt to
broaden your appeal at the expense

of journalistic standards. That's
true. Want to say sorry?

Sorry. Well, I'm glad we were able
to acknowledge

both of our shortcomings.
Dan Milner, thank you,

and I believe Simon has a few
texts of his own.

OFF-SCREEN: Yes, I do.
Thank you, Alan. Now...

Thank you. Right. Well, if that's
everything...

Oh, there is one more thing.

Erm, your brother's wife's
dad lives near me,

and has a 400-year-old oak
tree that's blocking my view.

Could you get him to cut it back?

Come on, he's not going to cut back
a 400-year-old tree.

Oh, you're good with words,
you'll persuade him.

No, Alan, I don't think
I can do that.

Do you know what I reckon? I reckon
I'm going to wake up on Saturday

morning and that ancient oak's going
to be cut back. Go get your cab.

..and don't forget, the British Gas
price promise means the price

you're quoted is the price you pay,

and that is from the team at
British Gas Pl - you guessed it - c.

And Alan, good to see you

and Dan Milner were able to find
some common ground.

Yeah. Do you know, I think on
reflection, Dan would admit

he just got it wrong.

Er, but it goes to show that getting
people with opposing views to thrash

out their differences - good telly.

Yes, although not sure we'd want
argy-bargy every week.

Well, it's how you do it, isn't it?

Yes. You know, get a few Catholics
and Protestants

from Northern Ireland who still care
about that stuff,

get them to play backgammon.

Whoever wins, they get to
paint THEIR pictures on walls,

or the sides of houses.

Or get Palestinians and Israelis,
have them play.

If the Israelis win,
they can build whatever they like.

If the Palestinians win, they get to
do whatever it is THEY want.

Political board game challenge,
with Alan Partridge.

Why, what do you think?
You seem to know a lot about it.

Huh? Me?

Live on BBC One -

Simon Says, with Simon Denton.

Good... Good name.
You have the floor.

No, I just think wheeling out
people at the extremes

sounds like balance but it's just
a way of starting a fight, isn't it?

It doesn't illuminate anything.
It just makes people angry.

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

There we go. Good point.

Yeah, and I would actually
add to that

by saying, if we try to build
a consensus, it'd be better

for our families, better for our
communities, better for the country.

SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE

Yeah, and that's just...
That's just something I think.

Now, six months ago
we brought you the story of Nala -

a lion cub being nursed back to
health at London Zoo.

We promised you
an update of her progress.

Here's some footage of her looking
similar but bigger.

OFF-SCREEN: And we're off!

You all right?
Yeah, yes, yes.

Just going to pop on a bit of
powder.

You must have worked up a sweat
arguing with that Guardian man.

Huh. You were really manly. Oh!

You were using your words like
a big sword. Ah.

I could do with someone like you in
my corner, next time I have a row.

Any time. Really?

Mm. Happy to help.

See, the thing is, my landlord keeps
saying that I owe him rent and

he keeps coming round the back
door with his dog and his brother.

He lost an eye in prison, so he's
really hard to reason with.

Mmm.

Yeah.
You know who'd be great with that?

The Citizens Advice Bureau.

Yeah. They're really good.

LYNN: The poem seems to have
gone down well.

Good! As long as it didn't make me
seem too desperate.

Hello?

Oh, Alan, you know the BBC Annual
Report's out tomorrow,

with that list of presenter's
salaries?

Right.
It's a who's who of who's who.

Can you order me 50 copies
and distribute them to the list?

I'll break the spines.
BOTH: So they flop open where it...

..says how much I earn.
..says how much you earn.

Lynn, you really are cooking today.

And yet you're not a good cook.
I like it simple.

You can say that again.

five, four...

Now, the Special Air Service may
sound like a branch

of the Post Office, but it's perhaps
better known as the SAS,

or by insiders or
enthusiasts as the "sass".

In fact, it has become the gold
standard for special

forces the world over.

This year marks its 80th birthday.

This is Hereford,
a place where the moo of cow,

the grumble of Welsh farmer
and the phut-phut-phut of passing

tractor gives way to the
rat-a-tat-tat of machine-gunfire

and the bang, oof, smack
and twat of men thumping each other.

Ditherers need not apply.

This is where the nonsense stops.

This is the SAS!

In the last century, the British
Army has fought in numerous wars.

The First World War,
the Second World War,

the Falklands, Iraq, Afghanistan.

It has won them all.

Yet one of its units is
revered above all others.

I'm talking, of course,
about the SAS.

Indeed, the maxim "Who Dares Wins"
is one I apply in my own life,

and I find that if I do dare -
whether it's making

a business decision, playing Jenga,

or suggesting dinner to a woman
online - I do win.

This may look like an old
blacksmith's shed,

and that's kind of the point.

For it's here that the
men of iron are forged

in the white heat
of hostage rescue training.

The smith - Tommy Gascaul,

an SAS veteran. He's served in
war zones around the world.

What's that tattoo?
Is that, erm, Gerry Adams?

It's Jesus. Oh, great.

It's worth mentioning that,
like all SAS officers,

if he got into a fight with James
Bond actor Daniel Craig,

he would BATTER him.

Craig may look hard but it's
purely down to stunt doubles

and camera angles.

Er, Tommy, let's talk turkey.

Today I'm going to be taking
part in a hostage recovery exercise.

Correct.

Hostage rescue is one of the core
disciplines of the SAS.

We do it, and we do it better
than anyone else.

Just try telling
that to the Navy Seals.

Well, they love applauding
themselves. Like real seals!

My fave, got to be the storming of
the Iranian Embassy in '80.

Hands down, my most-played VHS.

Well, that's an unusual one. Most of
what we do doesn't

end up on the telly.

Shame. I would love to see a
high-stakes version of

It's a Knockout, with live ammo.

I'd love to see
the Royal version of that.

Tommy, guns.

Yeah, well, choice of weaponry is
going to vary

depending on the mission. For
demonstration purposes we keep

a cache of ex-service weapons here.

This is the 7.62 SLR.

Self-loading rifle. Safety on?

Reliable and accurate. I like her.
She's got a nice feel.

Standard issue from the 1950s right
through to the Falklands.

Before it was replaced by the SA80.

Correct.
She's a cheeky little minx.

And then there's the 762 GPMG.

General purpose machinegun.

Clear. Crystal.

Yeah, you used these in Afghanistan.

And I don't mean for target
practice on goats.

Although that will have happened,
too. We don't shoot goats.

Yeah, and why should you?

I mean, what goat shouts "Allah
Akhbar" before causing mayhem?

Although, when they bleat,
it can sound like that.

I'm sure the demise of many a goat
has been at the hands

of a nervous, trigger-happy
squaddie.

We don't shoot goats.

Do you want me to take that for you?
Nah.

Yeah.

Target is an Al-Qaeda cell.

Four terrorists are in the building.

In addition,
they have as many as four hostages.

Your mission is to recover
the hostages.

We're in two teams.

A Team led by Danny will
secure the perimeter.

B Team today will include Alan.

Lads.

B team will enter
the building through

the door on the White Aspect.

The hostages are being held
on the far side of the Blue Aspect.

Any questions? Sir?

Alan. Recommend we use
night-vision capability.

It's 1300 hours. So, no.

Copy that.

Questions?

OPEN DOOR RIGHT!

YELLING OFF-SCREEN

I've got the rear!
Open door left! Come with me.

I've got the rear!

Open door right!

I've got the rear!

VOICEOVER: Special forces
experts agree

it's important to guard the rear.

Partridge, with me!

This was my signal.
A gauntlet thrown down.

We know eagle's dare,
but does a Partridge?

Left side clear! Right side clear!
Room clear!

Hold!

Did you see that?

Did YOU see that?

Thanks, mate.

So, how do you think you did?
Pretty good. Yeah, pretty good.

Well, you discharged your firearm
correctly. Very neat and tidy.

Yeah, I was a sixer in the Cubs.

Right, well, let's have
a look at the video, shall we?

Yeah, this fourth shot.
What's this stance?

You're presenting a very wide
target.

That is a recognised
shooting stance.

Where have you seen that before?

The opening sequence
of the James Bond films.

CHUCKLING OFF-SCREEN
Right, yeah. Cos me and the boys

were wondering, "Where the hell has
he got that from?"

I told you, it was from the opening
sequence of the James Bond films.

Yeah. Straight away I can see
a fundamental problem.

Your first two shots? Er, yeah.

Double tap, centre of the torso.
Pretty good.

You've killed a hostage.

Oh, Alan...

Terrorist, unharmed.

Hostage, dead.

Terrorist, unharmed.

Hostage, dead.

Terrorist, unharmed. Unharmed.

Hostage, dead.
ALAN SIGHS

That makes four unharmed
terrorists... Yeah.

..and four hostages... Yep.
..killed.

That is sub-optimal. We would call
it a catastrophic failure.

I mean, why did you shoot this guy?

This is an Islamic terrorist cell.

This guy's clearly a Sikh.

Oh, come on, I mean, pfff...

Do you know many Muslims
that wear turbans?

Sinbad the Sailor?

Catastrophic failure.
Wait a second.

I was charged with
incapacitating four targets,

and recovering four persons,

which, to be fair, I did do.

The only twist was...

That you saved four terrorists
and killed four hostages.

Precisely.

I mean that's a good shot!

Alan Partridge,
giving it both barrels there.

Absolutely, Jennie. Even though
assault rifles are single-barrelled.

Er, but that wasn't the end of
your day there, was it?

Er, No. They took me off
for a mock interrogation

but I don't want to talk about that.

Why not?

Found it really upsetting. Yeah.

It started as a mock interrogation

but turned into a mock execution,
which got very real, very quickly.

Now. Fizz, Bubbly, Bolly

and Champers might sound like

the names of Kirsty Allsopp's
bridesmaids

but they're actually
all nicknames for Champagne.

And with party season in full swing,
we thought we'd mix it up

with a look at Champagne cocktails

that are sure to get your corks
a-popping.

Listeners to North Norfolk Digital
will know her as Norfolk's foremost

wine expert, and people say,

"You've interviewed her before, why
are you interviewing her again?"

Simple. I like her personality,

and, if you bear with her for two
minutes, I guarantee you will, too.

Please welcome the Molotov cocktail
of cocktails, Rosie Witter.

Thank you for having me.
SHE CHUCKLES

Always a pleasure.

And, speaking of Molotov cocktails,
we've really seen an explosion,

haven't we, in the popularity of
cocktails? That's lovely.

Well, I think cocktails were viewed
by people as, um, something

out of reach, really. Mm. But these
days we're seeing cocktails

served in every kind of bar. Yeah.
Anyone can have a cocktail.

Now, I was staying in a very
low-budget hotel and they had

menus with photographs of the
cocktails for people who can't read.

So... And there's so much choice
now, as well, isn't there?

I mean, when people say to me
"I don't like cocktails",

I just think, "Well,
you've not found the right one!"

SHE CHUCKLES

Yeah. Or maybe, they just don't like
waiting 20 minutes for a drink.

As soon as you see the barman
reaching for a pestle and mortar,

you think,
"I should have got a pint."

Now, today we're talking
Champagne cocktails. Yes.

They all look amazing. Mm.
I'll have to pace myself.

Couple of those and I'll be
dozing off on the sofa. No!

THEY CHUCKLE
I think you'd go the other way!

Way back when maybe! No, not manic.
You know, just the normal,

demure Jennie but, er, with a bit
more pizzazz. You know, throwing

shapes on the dance floor, laughing
your head off at things you'd

ordinarily find offensive,
smoking fags, pinching bums.

I'm much too boring for all of that.
Me, too.

Yeah, it was more Jennie.

I love the top by the way!
Very sparkly. Thank you!

Yeah, is that Marks & Spencer?

Yes.
You bought it to wear on the show?

Yes. They're getting quite bold,
aren't they, with all this gubbins?

Sprinkling fairy dust over, er,
middle age, and about time, too.

So, talk us through these cocktails.

Right, well, let's start with

a British twist
on a Champagne cocktail.

It's a pumpkin and spiced rum
cocktail giving...
ALAN SLURPS LOUDLY

..a feel of an English autumn,
so perfect for Halloween parties.

And how! I can imagine my ex-wife

turning into a witch
after a few of these,

or when she was stone-cold
sober to be honest,

which was partly me.

There's spiced rum in there,

pumpkin puree, lemon juice,
saffron syrup, prosecco,

all served over crushed ice.

Oh, it really is lovely.
Very autumnal.

It's like a warm hug
with a bit of a chill.

Jennie's absolutely right,
it really is like fizzy soup.

Now, this one.
It's called White Diamond.

Mm! Perhaps another
one of Kirsty Allsopp's bridesmaids.

THEY LAUGH

Did you have a drink
before you came on?

Try that. It's Champagne...
Mm! ..er, lime cordial,

big slug of Cointreau... Oh!
..white grape juice, and egg white.

Mm! Like, poached egg?

Oh, no, no. It's raw.

For God's sake, Rosie! What?

You can't eat raw egg.
It's a raw egg, Rosie!

It's a common ingredient. Yes.
Just a disclaimer.

Please, please
don't try this at home!

Rosie's attempted it here
but in controlled conditions,

with first aiders on hand.
Please, please cook your eggs!

Be safe. Be egg-safe.

Rosie, Rosie, let me pick your brain
erm, because me and my mum,

we always go to Queens
for the tennis...

I like this one. ..erm, the first
cocktail afternoon of the summer.

What would you make for that?

It'd have to be
a Rosemary Champagne Fizz.

Oh! So, gin, grapefruit,
and Champagne.

It's...it's English,
it's fun, it's summer!

Those are the new cocktails,
but what about the classics?

Rosie, what do you think is the most
popular cocktail in Britain?

Espresso Martini?

Alan, what do you think?

Mind's gone blank. Shandy?

Well, er, we hit the streets
of Nottingham

to find out which came out on top.

OFF-SCREEN: And we're off!

That was great. Oh! Really, it's OK.
I'm really sorry.

Smells of stuffing.

Oh, it's you.

Just to say, I've looked into
the annual reports...

Mm-hm. ..and it turns out Jennie
earns slightly more than you.

OK. OK. It's to do with the way
the deal is structured.

It's an accounting quirk. OK.

It's only about £200 but it just
means she's higher than you

in the list of BBC's
best-paid presenters.

OK. OK.

Are you OK? OK. OK. I'm OK. OK.
So, you're in a bit of a pickle.

You want more but you don't want to
complain,

because women got a bit
big for their boots...

Yeah, all right, Lynn.
That's...that's for the car.

But thanks for the intel.
Have a white sparkle. Thank you.

OFF-SCREEN: OK, places people.

ALAN: You like egg, don't you?

OFF-SCREEN: And we're back
in five, four...

So, there we have it.

The mojito is Britain's favourite
cocktail, and, Rosie,

you're making us one
to end the show. I am.

Now, the secret to a good mojito
is not to overdo the mint.

So, it's lime juice, sugar,
a little mint.

They're already in the shaker...
Go on, make it, then!

..and, yes, a handful of ice,

and a good slug of r-u-u-u-u-um!

Ooh! I love rum.

And, then, you give it a good shake!

Stop looking at me!
JENNIE CHUCKLES

You certainly gave that what for!

Would you like to have a go, Alan?
No, not me.

I never know where to look
when I do that sort of thing.

It requires a certain kind of
confidence.

That, for whatever reason,
I don't have.

That's why I don't play the maracas.

Give it here.

HE SIGHS

All right.

HE CHUCKLES

Stiff. It's loosening.
It's very stiff.

Have you got it?
HE GROANS

HE LAUGHS
All right?

Take my jacket.

Thank you.

HE WHIMPERS

HE WAILS

HE WHIMPERS

Oh! Oh! Well done!

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

I don't know...
I don't know why I did that.

Rosie, thank you very much
for joining us. that was great.

It was great. It WAS really great.

What are you doing with my jacket?

Sorry for bollocking you before
about the raw egg thing.

But don't do that again.

Oh, and I believe Simon
has an email. Simon?

Yes, I do! I do indeed. Good.
Yes. Good. It is from...

Should we go sit on the sofas?
Here he comes.

It is from Kit Cranley
in Northampton who says

"Could you kindly refrain
from using the title

"Winning Formula in relation to any
potential Lewis Hamilton project?

"Winning Formula is the registered
title of a one-man show

"I've written about
the development of WD40."

Keep it. Keep it.
I'll just call it Hamilton.

Oh, no, that's taken. Lewis, then.

That's the Inspector Morse
spin-off, I think.

Could just call it Car Man.
That's an opera.

And, speaking of opera, it seems
that's all we have time for

because the fat lady has sung.

And that is why they pay HER
the big bucks.

Yeah. She does get big bucks,

and I am actually cool...
really cool about that.

I mean it, I'm glad that you get
paid more, Jennie.

I do. I am glad.

And, Simon, you... I'm going to make
sure they pay you a bit more. Ooh!

They didn't even let him have
the day off for that funeral.

Who was it? My grandad.

Your real grandad?

My adopted grandad.

Oh, yeah, well. Meh.

I had a grandad. And I'm afraid
we will have to leave it there...

Grandad Graham. ..for tonight.
Simon?

Yes, um, join us again tomorrow.

Goodnight. Goodnight.

Grandad?