Untitled Alan Partridge BBC Series (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Episode #1.6 - full transcript

FLOOR MANAGER: OK, guys, stand by.

ALAN: Yeah, she says zilch

then starts stomping around

- Are you talking about me?

What did you say to Gavin about me

- Very well, thank you, how are you?

Yeah, very well. I went home,

curled up on a beanbag

- What about you?

I would suffocate my own grandmother

- No, I didn't.



- I loved my grandmother.

- I know you said it.

You still had your mic on,

- Prove it.

Paul, could you play that thing?

- Thanks.

it's all tits and teeth.

But I tell you, she would smother

to get on the cover of the Radio Times.

ALAN: That is true.

JENNIE: You need to apologise, Alan.

And you need a lawyer,

It's not Jennifer, is it?

Yeah, and I'm Alan



Oh, like two balls either side of a dick?

- A little bit, yeah.

because I don't fancy you,

Aww.

(STRAINED LAUGH)

That is the funniest thing I've heard

Oh, no, you're not my type, love.

- Oh, we all know what your type is.

What do you think my type is, then?

A lonely bottle-blonde

Yeah, cos they can handle me.

I think I could. I think I'd probably

that you keep in your bag

I'd just get another prescription, free.

All you gotta do

- (JENNIE SIGHS)

How are you even on this show?

Did you win a competition

I'm sorry about Jennifer, everybody.

She seems to think she's Lady Diana

Sorry that she bats her eyelids

Bat-bat, bat-bat.

"Look at my white teeth.

It's fucking weird.

(GRUNTS) Let's see. What have we got?

What have we got, what have we got,

Bye, Alan.

Yeah.

See that? That's how bothered I'd be

See that?

That's how big I'd be pleased.

Ooh-er, Jennie's gone.

Where's she gone? What happens now?

Is someone gonna go and get her?

- You'll have to do it.

FLOOR MANAGER: You're on in five.

- What?

What? Wha...?

Hello, and welcome to This Time

and me...

It's fine, I'll do both.

It's a packed show for you tonight.

I'll be getting to grips with corruption

and I will be talking to a sleep expert,

because some of us

Oi. Speak for yourself.

A few problems with the Autocue.

All right.

Jennie is ill today.

Er, she's just come down with

which has made her...

Yeah, OK. It's none of your business

But bear with me.

Er...

(MUMBLES)

That's better.

Um... Right. You...

You're a woman, you wanna look knockout

without looking, you know, easy.

So this next fella

He's... He's the sort of chap who...

...who looks...looks after himself.

Very neat. And, er, he's, er...

Yeah, he's, er... Well, you know.

You'll see.

FLOOR MANAGER: And we're off.

Is she coming back?

FLOOR MANAGER: And can someone please

Anyone know if Jennie's coming back?

FLOOR MANAGER: Models to the catwalk.

Catwalk?

Um...Simon.

- Yes.

- Where's Jennie?

but I need you to present a fashion item

No way.

Yes, you do, I've seen you wear that shirt

- You bought me that.

Well, we just need some fashion words

- ...Lucy, that friend of yours.

Yes. Get her to text some words.

Well, why don't you get Lynn to text you

Lynn wears a coat that was advertised

Does anyone know where Lynn is,

Can you text me some fashion words,

Get her to text me some fashion words.

- Simon's doing it with me.

Simon, I can't emphasise...

- If I go down, you go down.

It doesn't matter.

- Look at me.

May God be with you.

And also with you.

We are so, with several O's,

with fashionista extraordinaire

- Tommy.

And excited is right,

After two years of heavy tailoring

- baby, the skirt is back.

- So cop a feel of these.

Now, our first skirt is a circle skirt,

- modelled by the beautiful Kirsty.

Just 65 pounds.

She can't be.

Oh, you mean the price. Sorry.

And it's a skirt

It's summertime,

it's airy, and it's fun!

- It's a happy skirt, isn't it?

It's very elated.

- It's over the moon.

- It's, well, it's chuffed to bits.

- Billowy

- Or like a tent.

Like a wedding, big wedding marquee

That's right. And you can see exactly

The way she walks,

And, wow, Kirsty owns it.

Really? Oh, well, thank you

- I mean, she makes it work for her.

Oh, totally, yeah, I mean, Simon...

- Yes.

- It's got a beautiful silhouette?

Yes, I mean,

I would also add

and good for Sunday best.

(UNDER HIS BREATH) Useless.

And it's got two poppers, so you can

or once a month, possibly...

Because when a woman enters

she will swell round the tummy.

So let's bring out

- ALAN: Julia!

Now, this I love!

It's shaped like a bell,

concentrated around the waist,

and this one is very on-trend.

It is like a stripy bell,

Feel the fabric, Simon,

Yeah. Yeah.

- TOMMY: Have a feel.

Yep.

Decent.

- Yeah?

- And it's a...

Sorry, I take that back.

Well, it's saying La Dolce Vita,

ALAN: It is, it's saying...

- "Molto bene! Molto bene!"

Not that loud, but, you know.

There's no getting away from it, Tommy.

Sometimes Simon and I can be outrageous,

Let's look at another woman in a skirt.

TOMMY: Our next skirt is modelled

ALAN: Ooh, very curvy stripes,

a giant tube of Colgate ladypaste.

And we've paired the skirt with

And it says, "I'm on the town."

It says, "I'm comfortable,

Yeah, it's saying,

"Yes, I like to go to the office,

"to sit on a park bench with

But it's also saying, "I'm happy.

"I like to leap in the air and sing,

That's...yeah.

- It never bloody shuts up, this skirt.

- I-I-I-It is a stripy chatterbox...

- ...skirt.

Tommy, join me at the lady.

I think this look works for Julia,

but I can also see her

- Totally. Excuse me.

Maybe a shocking-pink clutch bag.

Sleeves pushed up, LA Law -style. Um...

Totally.

Hair up, daytime casual, hair down...

One word - accessorise. Wrist,

- neck, ears.

- ALAN: No.

Accessories where you can

Yeah, although I just told you

Earrings,

Just toss your head back

- Let them clank against your neck.

Thanks, sweetheart,

And that skirt is great for covering up

any bits that you don't wanna show,

because, let's face it, we're not all

I hear you. Moment on the lips,

Although with this one, it's more,

"Every chop you gobble,

Or, "Ask for the cake selection,

"Eat puddings till you bloat,

Yeah, that's actually a serious issue,

- It's a constant battle.

Tommy, thank goodness

and thanks to all the models.

Alan, these lovely ladies are real women,

and you know what I say to my girls?

- "Dance like no-one's watching."

You certainly broadcast

Yeah, and you podcast

It's cos it's still new.

Simon and Lucy's Doctor Who Watch-along.

- Doctor Who is not really my thing.

And I hate Star Wars,

- Tommy Chaucer, thank you very much.

- (MUTTERS) Camera one.

Yeah.

Now, it's the job

Bloop, bloop!

- Do it again?

(MOISTENS LIPS)

Now, it's the job of our boys in blue

But what if they lock up

What if they throw you in a cell,

when, to use the parlance,

As some of you may have read this week,

Needless to say,

But what's the truth

This is my story.

This is one of the most difficult

I've ever had to make,

because it involves criticism of a group

The British police.

Behind me is the A140.

It's last Thursday, and I'm on my way

with a Ukrainian woman

Except I'm not - I'm being questioned

There he is...and there am I.

ALAN VOICEOVER: Alan Partridge.

I have no problem with being

Heck, I'll flag down a police car

or an unlicensed burger van

But this time, the tables had turned.

The hunter - me -

had become the hunted - me.

POLICE OFFICER: You were driving

And what's inappropriate speed?

- It's what I say it is.

- "Oh, what I say it is."

What, cos I'm dancing?

Basically, yeah.

- a specimen of breath?

If you fail to supply a specimen

you'll be coming with me

- to the station.

Do you want me to get in the front

- or the back?

- Yeah, that's what I just asked you.

Do you know what I think?

I think that you're embarrassed

realised you've got no grounds

and rather than admit that

you'd rather go through the whole charade

going down the station, rather than,

"Oh, can't lose no face, I'm a man."

You're dancing again, sir.

Yeah, you probably plant drugs

- You what?

ALAN: By now, though,

like the cod I'd wanted to be chewing,

The booking-in desk,

Oh, they could snigger,

but come at me like a bitch,

don't be surprised if I mount you.

...driving too fast, and too furious.

(POLICE OFFICERS LAUGH)

Thinks he's Vin Diesel.

ALAN: Rather be Vin Diesel

POLICE OFFICER: What?

He called me Vin Diesel.

I said, "I may be Vin Diesel,

They didn't get it.

So I said, "I may be Vin Diesel,

and that worked,

You've got the general demeanour

Having been booked in, I was asked

Let's call it what it is.

A grown man being asked to do a slash

and I'm sorry if there are any teenage

As I wee-ed, I wondered if I'd ever be

It's as if it wasn't just pent-up urine

but pent-up thoughts.

A question for another day,

Mañana.

Mañana.

But something didn't add up.

A woman I was briefly dating said

- I was the best driver...

...she'd ever shared a car with.

Another time, I drove Nigel Mansell

to the Marriott, and even

he said, as he got out,

- "Nicely done."

Were you unaware

or did you choose to ignore it?

My name is Alan Partridge,

Were you unaware

or did you just choose to ignore it?

My name is Alan Partridge,

Why do you keep telling me

With questions raining down on me -

literally, since the officer spat

an SAS anti-interrogation technique

My name is Alan Wendale.

I live at 7 Partridge Road.

Fast-forward three hours,

I emerge a free man.

The urine test has proved my innocence

beyond all reasonable doubt,

and I am released without charge.

It may be a dull, dank Norfolk night

but to me right now, in this moment,

it tastes as sweet as sherry.

As I look back on the building

I begin to reflect on

They say that Jesus died to save us

and whilst that makes no sense

it certainly puts into perspective

and gives me the strength

but also to initiate

against Norfolk Constabulary.

For what the police had done to me

had left a stain on my reputation

that even my exfoliating gloves

I wrote to Norwich Police

and £3,000 compensation,

or no apology and £3,500.

I received no reply.

And that's when the penny dropped.

You see, this wasn't about

that's just not necessary.

of investigating themselves.

This was about me being able

And do you know something?

I like what I see.

Powerful stuff.

Well, it is, because clearly

- the police should be stopping.

I'm a friend of the police.

Not only do I support stop and search,

to search suspects without stopping them.

Now, if oil is known as black gold,

perhaps water should be known

Just ask the people

- Yes. Some 300 Africans...

...still don't have access

and that's often down to corruption,

with some corporations winning

One company at the centre

is the Southern Nigeria Water Corporation,

A-boo-jah.

It's accused of corruption

Its chairman, Mohammad Faisal,

No. ...now, and speaks to us

Should be quite interesting.

See what they've got to say

I'll jog the last bit.

Mr Faisal. Welcome.

(TRANSLATES)

- (REPLIES IN YORUBA)

- And welcome.

- (REPLIES)

That was for you.

- (TRANSLATES)

- (TRANSLATES)

- (TRANSLATES)

- (TRANSLATES)

Stop it!

Mr Faisal, you've heard the accusations.

Officials handing out contracts

to whoever makes it worth their while...

- You can translate this. This is for him.

(TRANSLATES)

The governments are in your pocket,

Right there next to your car keys

or its African equivalent.

(REPLIES IN YORUBA)

Look at the history of Africa.

It's a continent that has endured

Thousands killed,

Mogadishu, Mogadishu,

when I ask a question, I want,

(TRANSLATES)

- OK?

- OK.

- OK.

- OK?

OK!

Mr Faisal, in 2006,

your company won a £500-million contract

That was a long time ago.

I could still do chin-ups then.

What I want to know

is why in 2006 in your tendering document

did you say, and I quote,

"...immediately"?

The statement was made in good faith.

Mmm. The thing is...

I didn't ask you, I asked him.

- Sorry?

work couldn't begin,

or he didn't know, in which case

So, simple question to him is,

- (TRANSLATES)

- (TRANSLATES)

(TRANSLATOR SPEAKS AT LENGTH)

...Alan Partridge...

Wait, wait, what's going on?

- What are you doing?

I know what your game is.

to avoid answering difficult questions

Well, newsflash - ain't gonna happen.

Wait, no. It has happened.

Gentlemen, thank you very much.

You sneaky so-and-sos.

Jennie.

Simon.

SIMON: Thank you, Alan.

ALAN: Lynn. Lynn...

Lynn!

That didn't go well, did it?

No.

But the fashion, actually, that went well.

Pardon?

Interesting dress you're wearing.

It's got a flavour of, what's the word?

- Eiderdown.

What, in case the Director General

looking for a presenter of a new show

Cos even then

No, I just wanted

because they said I got the all-clear.

Ah. Well. Er...

Um...

FLOOR MANAGER: Need you back

Yeah.

Oh, er, Lynn.

I think you could present

Thank you. I'd just call it Jumble!,

SIMON: Back to you, Alan.

Now, we all love sleeping,

whether it's slumbering in fresh sheets

or just dozing in a big armchair after

What about you, Simon?

I sleep very well.

Er, read my little book,

Great.

I'm current reading a book

Yeah, mm-hm.

- and it helps...

and the text transferred from the page

So, obviously

But when I looked at my reflection,

it flipped back the right way,

the final page of an erotic novel

into the bathroom mirror.

Which, you know, worked out fine.

Is it? Is it? Right.

- Which...?

Four.

But how well do you sleep?

With disorders like snoring

not everyone has it so good.

We sent Alan to a clinic

(ALARM CLOCK BEEPS)

ALAN VOICEOVER: Imagine waking up

Less Morning Has Broken,

since every morning I have soaken,

For this...

This is the amount of sweat squeezed

It's empty.

This is the amount of sweat

after they were passed through a mangle.

For I...

But it's not just sweat I'm lying in -

I'm tired of waking up

- Something needs to change.

Gate.

So I've come to the blandly named

After filling in

it was time for jimjams and watery squash.

These are my co-sleepers.

Hi, Janet.

They are amongst the worst sleepers

They are absolutely hopeless at it.

But a chinwag over a glass of squash

reminds us that we're not suffering alone.

But our collective lack of sleep

Malcolm there in the green sweater

when he's not.

Janet seems to think

And Paul, stripy Paul,

I'm gonna make my excuses

Back in my room, with my head

than my assistant's modem, I was ready.

And so to sleep -

Fascinating stuff.

And I'm joined by the clinic's

- Hello.

- SIMON: Hello.

what did you reap?

OK, so, yes.

Reviewing that night...

So, we can see that you were

And quite fidgety here as well,

especially with light sleepers.

It's really the brain's reluctance

SIMON: Busy, busy.

But it's also a sign of stress and anxiety

can be a key cause

I'm just gonna spool on.

There's actually...

which is something I think you should see,

because what happens round about 1.30

is you enter something called

and it seems that the cause of your night

- What?

is pavor nocturnus, or night terrors.

Oh, my God. Last time my legs flailed

was in a tent during an altercation

a very big bee.

So, what sort of thing

What scares you?

in anything traumatic or upsetting?

I recently abseiled down the side

- What? When?

I was doing it for the RSPCA, so...

- It must have been a dream.

It must have been a dream.

- It's very disturbing.

Tell me about you.

- but I didn't see you.

- but I could see you on the monitor.

Well, I've worked there for 12 years,

so, yes, I've watched

- Do you enjoy it?

Right.

- And why?

observing patients as they sleep.

I feel like I'm a guardian angel,

watching over them,

But how are you protecting them?

Well, in that they're...in my charge.

So I... I could harm them,

So, I suppose in that regard

the darker side of human nature

(ALAN SIGHS)

Susan, great having you on the show.

- any more questions. Simon, do you?

Good. I'm gonna let you go.

- I'm happy to talk more.

You don't want me to stay

Nah.

Instead, let's talk to viewers and ask,

The lines are open, so tell us what

To kick us off, we've got a text in

Grant Dunstable says,

I dream I am Neil Armstrong,

but get the coordinates wrong

and we miss the moon.

Buzz Aldrin just stares at me for ages

before finally saying,

And I believe on the line we have Rod.

- You do not get many Rods.

- Fishing rod.

- You're not black, are you, Rod?

Rod, what do you dream about?

I dream I invent a dynamo

that goes on the tails of dogs

But trapped in industrial-sized wag farms,

the dogs become depressed and stop

OK, take care of yourself, Rob.

OK, bye, Alan!

And we have got Helen in Derbyshire.

I'm stuck on a ledge

OK, this is much more like it.

What do you think that dream means?

No, I'm literally stuck on a ledge.

Oh, my God.

Well, I'm walking up Kinder Scout

and on the way down I slipped

And then I slid on some slippy stones,

and now I'm on this sort of overhang

OK. Why have you phoned us?

Well, I can't see! I just pressed redial

It must have been from last week

when you were asking,

- Yeah, well, that was a great segment.

I shouldn't have been put through.

No, no, you're through now, and

- Boy George is going to help you?

I'm taking over, I'm suspending

I'm sorry, but when a life is in danger

that surely has to take precedence

Helen, what can you see?

Just rock and a bit of moss.

- Are you hungry?

Eat the moss.

- I'm not sure you can eat moss.

I'm pretty sure you can eat moss.

Anyone watching, text or tweet us

- can a woman eat moss?

- I'm fine for moss.

How about a kinder Scout?

Because there is no scout kinder

- Do you know Bear Grylls?

Bear, it's Alan Partridge.

OK.

Ciao.

Not interested. I'll try Ray Mears.

Mears?

Come on.

Come on, Ray, pick up, you big bastard.

Ray! It's Alan Partridge.

Do you have a minute?

- OK, bye.

What's going on?

- Helen, I called Bear and Ray.

A little bit busy,

"Keep your pecker up and be positive.

I don't need to be told to be positive.

That's being negative, so you do.

What makes you smile?

- I don't know.

I don't know what makes me smile.

Lots of things make me smile.

- I didn't ask that.

Gaviscon.

Zooming up the bus lane

because people don't realise it's open

What about the people we have on hold?

Yes, Maggie in Macclesfield.

What makes you smile?

- Fat babies.

When they make chimps smoke.

Thanks for being honest, Jeff.

Old people holding hands.

Aww, I think I'm gonna burst into tears,

Line six, who's there?

Alan, you cock.

Alan Youcock there.

Now, Helen on the ledge,

you must've thought of something

- that makes you smile.

If you don't think of something,

you're going to die.

Well, I like cake.

Helen, when you get down,

I'm gonna make you eat

Help will be with you within an hour.

- An hour?

- (LINE GOES DEAD)

has just texted to say a woman

FLOOR MANAGER: And we're off air.

- Put it there, mate. Pulled it off.

- Team Partridge.

ALAN: Well, you're part of Team Partridge,

You know, I feel like Jason Bourne

You know, it's great.

FLOOR MANAGER: Alan, the exec producer

ALAN: Sure. Is this about Jennie?

FLOOR MANAGER: Yeah, she's there as well.

ALAN: Got it. Did he look angry?

FLOOR MANAGER: I didn't speak to him.

- ALAN: But did he look angry?

- ALAN: But did he look angry?

ALAN: Got it.

Can I have a glass of...water, please?