Untitled Alan Partridge BBC Series (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode #1.5 - full transcript

- ALAN: Right, start cheering.

Whoa, yeah!

Whoo, yeah!

Whoo, yeah.

(CHUCKLES) Right.

Hello, and welcome to This Time,

a show that, rather like a Rolls-Royce

promises to be fun, bubbly

and easy on the eye.

Am I right, girls?

Yeah!



Now hop it, you lot.

Wait.

Now, wasn't that a sexy,

sassy, slinky,

sassy, smashing way to start the show?

No!

No to exploitation!

No to subjugation!

No to domination!

- (A LITTLE APPLAUSE)

it wasn't fun.

20 years ago, arriving on set

with three clantily scad beauties

would have been a perfectly normal way



Well, not any more.

Nowadays, people recognise it

bad. And wrong.

Those four young women are members

They each gave their consent

And the redhead

don't worry, that's merely

With the help of their tutor,

Mr Lonsdale, we spent the weekend

developing the performance piece

and I thought it turned out really well.

- Well done, girls.

- And well done you, Peter.

Because it's not just time...

- WOMAN: Bye, Alan!

PETER: See you later, Alan.

OK, Peter.

Because it's not just time

it's high time,

high time on This Time,

so welcome - again - to This Time.

Hello, and welcome to This Time,

And Jennie Gresham.

This time on This Time...

And by the way, if anyone's

"there are two presenters

you're right.

A partridge is a bird.

This is a woman,

Well, th-thank you very much, Alan.

This time on This Time, we'll be

- How far have we come?

- And what still needs to be done?

- I'm looking forward to this.

Tashhag MeToo.

And, I'm told, we also

so get in touch

which sexist relics you'd like

And it's a dustbin that one day,

wheeled to the end of the drive

Isn't that right, Simon?

Certainly is. I'm all for that.

- Couldn't eat a whole one, though.

And to top it all off,

Alan will be sharing with us

as he performs with these guys.

- # You...

- # ...are...

- # ...wat...

- # ...ching...

- # You're watching, you're watching

# This Time!

ONE MAN: # With Alan Partridge... #

- "With Alan Partridge"?

Why did you sing that?

So, lots to look forward to.

But to begin the show, we're going

whose new Radio 4 show starts this week.

Well, "outspoken" is right.

She's been tagged as

- Mmm!

the enfant terrible

Now just Madame Terrible.

- First, let's see her...

...in action on a stage at a recent

FLOOR MANAGER: And we're off air.

Great segment, everybody.

Oh, here's the...feminist.

- Hi.

- Thank you.

Yeah, well,

I... Whatever the woman wants,

If she wants a kiss,

I'll just retreat into the shadows.

Do you want make-up, by the way?

If you... It's there. Optional.

Not that you need it

I've got it. I'm a man. Whatevs.

No, thanks.

(LAUGHS) "War paint"!

What a lovely way to describe make-up.

That's excellent. Mm.

Anyway, there she is, if you want her.

The make-up lady.

Although I... Not a term I use myself.

I prefer "make-up operative"

JENNIE: Or "make-up artist".

Why not? One day.

FLOOR MANAGER: Five seconds. Four...

And here is the woman herself to tell us

that shines a light on women in science.

It's writer and broadcaster Dee Gilhooly.

Just to clarify, by the way,

some viewers may mistakenly think

and your first name is Deegal.

In actual fact, your second name

That's a full name, not an initial.

- Yeah.

- Wicked to be here.

So, you're perhaps best known as one of

Which, by the way, guys,

Oh, I wouldn't have had

Well, it's a curious story.

I was actually stuck in traffic,

music from an advert

so I found myself listening

"This is actually good."

- Tell your friends.

and they will tell ten men,

to tell ten men to tell ten men.

It sounds like the kind of song you'd sing

Now, your radio series

focuses on trailblazers and groundbreakers

Bang on, yeah.

It's a chance for some brilliant,

to have their stories told,

So with all due respect to your

we're gonna be looking at women

erm, the fuel in the turbocharger.

Because there's some

We're talking Vera Rubin,

- I mean, brilliant women.

Yeah, Cecilia Payne's, actually,

a British astronomer,

got her doctorate at 25 - boom! -

the composition of the stars

by her colleague, Henry Norris Russell.

Years later, her findings

you've guessed it...

- Henry Norris Russell?

- Hm.

The... Yeah...

Do you know, I'm sorry to... Actually,

but I was miles away,

which shows this is a real problem

What I will say,

the...purposes of clarification,

is you don't put fuel in the turbocharger.

It's a small turbine housed

excess gases, loops them back round,

so a small-capacity engine,

Very efficient.

That was told to me

called Karen.

Woman.

- Fair play.

Well, because women in jobs like that

have to put up with their fair share

even now in 2018,

If I can just speak as a male...

I...I'm sorry, I have sinned. I've...

...stood on the pavement with other men

and slow-hand-clapped as I've watched

a-and...that's wrong.

And I think if I saw the same thing

I would just, you know,

- shout out instructions.

Yeah, I'd shout out instructions

- I'd ask her which she prefers.

- Or just leave her alone. Yeah.

need to be aired by women,

because we're still seeing powerful men

harassing women

- is do their jobs and be left alone.

Awomen.

I mean, I feel you, I feel you. I don't...

I don't mean I feel you.

your doctor or your boyfriend,

but I totally identify

Well, I think that Me Too

- is a woman thing, really, isn't it?

I mean, I'm not sure it's that helpful

for a man to presume to know

- But anyway....

You know, if men actually listened

were saying on harassment,

But they don't. You know?

So we're still seeing

ALAN: I've been sexually harassed.

I'm sorry, I wasn't aware of that.

It's not quite the same thing

but, er, it is a bit. Yeah, way back

when I was a young DJ...

...at a commercial radio station,

...station controller,

...asked me to...

...brush her hair

and, erm, she had quite a lot of hair

so it took me over an hour,

I began to feel

Er, another day,

and I said, "No, my hands are tired,"

and I'm sure that I was then

For example, a lot of the DJs

got to meet Princess Anne,

and, erm, I wasn't picked.

And to this day

...and was subsequently

pressured into a relationship with her

during which time I began...

- Dee Gilhooly...

Dee Gilhooly, thank you

Deegal, cheers.

But now, from annoying sex pests

as I groove on over to Simon Denton

Simon Denton.

- How.

Can't do that any more.

What have you got for us

Lovely stuff.

So, a lot of people have been saying

that mother-in-law jokes

to the dustbin of history.

- OK.

an example of the sort of thing

- Right.

I think we ought to.

There we are.

"I could tell it was my mother-in-law

"because the mice were

Yeah, I mean, that's pretty

suggesting that a mouse

would rather take its own life

- Meet the mother-in-law. Exactly.

- we're better than that.

- Would you like to see it?

- Let's have a look.

"My mother-in-law

"She used to dive in

Yeah, don't say it with a jaunty voice,

- because these are old-fashioned.

You've got to deliver them as a joke.

These jokes are hateful to women,

- we're trying to illustrate here.

Again, he's saying his mother-in-law's

she's able to strangle a whale,

- It's insane.

I don't even know

Well, they don't,

That's not the point of the joke, no.

It's not the point of anything.

about women.

- Any more?

from John again, Essex. Right.

"I saw my mother-in-law

"...beaten up by six men.

"My wife said,

"I said, 'No, six should be enough.'"

- Erm...

Yeah, stop saying, "It works," mate.

Well, that just makes me sad, actually,

and I think it probably

At the end of the day, yes.

Well, how about now?

- Oh, God, yeah.

- Now, ask...

...most cockneys what food they serve

(COCKNEY ACCENT) ..."Jellied eels,

"and a big bowl o' shut your face."

- (JENNIE CHUCKLES)

is one of the new breed of cockney chefs

- SIMON: One more text has come in.

- One second, Jennie. Is it from John?

OK, we should hear this.

Ah, now, no,

- It's about his wife.

Yes.

"I met my wife in the tunnel of love.

"She was digging it."

The implication being

Vile. Jennie?

Thank you, Alan.

And, Chef Ralphy,

- What are you cooking today?

So, basically, we're gonna start with

May I approach?

Well, you already have.

Now, I've booked you in to your haircut.

Mm-hm.

But the man you liked

Go on.

So it'll be the woman who does mine.

She's very good.

With respect, I don't want my hair

to look like a cross between

So what do you want me to tell her?

Just tell her the truth.

I want a short back and sides...

- ...teased and volumised over the crown.

- Yeah.

- They're ready for you, Alan.

Sage advice?

The only sage thing about Lynn

and the fact that she smells of stuffing.

RALPHY: And make sure you put the lid on.

Very nice! So that's why

Bang on. Even Alan could knock these up!

Do you mind? I use contraceptives.

That smells good.

Do you want to try one, Alan?

Try one, geez.

Er, thanks, geez.

- Try one. Trust me.

I always think it looks like

Or the ghost of a tongue.

- Well, do you see any oyster?

No, I do not.

Mmm. Yeah.

- That's lovely. Very nice.

You know, people always go,

but, you know, as an ingredient

And it just adds

I didn't say I don't like oyster,

cos I'm allergic to oyster. Seriously.

Have I eaten any oyster?

Y...

Well, there is

a little bit of mayonnaise, erm...

- Sorry.

Erm...

There's a blob of it there,

but I don't think there's any

Good. Thank you.

Don't geezers read

- health and safety briefings?

That's the word I was looking for.

And it's good to see you back on TV.

- And what channel's that on?

Right. That might be another thing

Ah, it's not that bad.

I'm teasing. Food's great. Let's go.

Now, the Palace of Westminster

but she's a mother who's seen better days,

worn out by the 600 members inside her.

So plans are afoot to give the old girl

with work set to start

But where Parliament will sit in the

To tell us more, we're joined live

who's roved all the way to Westminster.

Ruth, you're at the Houses of Parliament.

Well, I'm in Parliament Square,

In front of

Well, behind them, technically.

The front is the side that faces out

- You take my point.

You take my point. And this new idea

has presumably been met

Well, it's not really a new idea.

- But the report's new.

- Mm-hm, yes.

that's been met with short shrift

Well, not really. You'd be surprised

- Go on.

who believe a move further north

Because it'll help their constituents feel

- That's exactly right.

But it stands to reason that this move,

Well, actually, no. London is one of

so finding a site elsewhere

And it's possible this could lead

leaving London, too?

Well, absolutely, and the more jobs move,

the greater the boost

- Which has to be a good thing?

Well, it's possible that this could lead

to whole government departments

Well, I don't see

- You agreed when she said it.

It was literally word for word.

- ...there's a determination...

...to explore the fine print

- "Well, absolutely," you said to her.

Well, absolutely.

Ruth Duggan, thank you.

And, Ruth, I believe wedding bells

Yes. Mark, he'll be making an honest woman

- Ah! Well, congratulations.

- A bit frazzled. Lots to organise.

- Well, ask me in a few months' time.

Well, I wouldn't wanna give Mark

But on balance, you must be

Well, it's all been a bit of a blur.

- Well, you look happy.

Unbelievable.

Now, lots to come,

because as well as a performance

we'll be closing the show with one,

Actually, what would you call them?

Is it a barbershop quartet?

Er, well... They'll be chortling

No. No, we're a mixed vocal harmony

Ooh, a man of hidden depths!

Well, it's just something I do

a bit of fun and a great way

It helps me keep the loneliness wolf

No, this is the second group I've joined.

Oh! OK. What happened to the first one?

First lot turned out to be pagans

but this lot are a great bunch.

Jeff can play Rule, Britannia!

which is a kind of anti-Scottish joke,

and Kim has just restored

Oh, very nice indeed!

I...

- We'll chat later.

The Quavers on This Time will be nothing

when the punk rockers famously used

that had viewers up in arms.

- but I expect you remember that, Alan.

For those that don't remember,

ALAN: Yeah.

FLOOR MANAGER: And we're off air.

- Are you all right?

Why? Yeah.

Er, Kev, I feel...

LYNN: How are you feeling?

- Fine.

- No.

Lynn, stop trying to be the woman

who was also in Bedknobs And Broomsticks,

- My mouth's going chubby, isn't it?

- OK, how bad?

- How-How bad?

- ten.

on a scale of one to ten!

We need to get you to a doctor.

I don't... Well, haven't you got

What about that time

- at the railway?

- I don't have adrenaline.

Oh!

PRODUCER: Are you all right, Alan?

- Yes, it is.

It's just a thing that happens to me

I think we should get you to a medic.

No, it's fine. No, I don't want

- It's fine, I can continue.

- Oh, yeah, good idea.

You'll make both of them very angry.

- In which case, can we clear the set?

I'm good to go. I just won't

- I feel absolutely fine.

four...

The Sex Pistols there,

Sex Pistols. It's... Just out-of-tune

Why is it, though, that respectable

and their knickers in a twist

Well, to find out more, we sent Alan

to explore some of

and then hopefully

Do you know, my dad

I had bubbles in my sick.

I'm standing outside the British Library.

Some people say, "What's the point

"Why not turn this place into

And however tempting

I would argue that today we need libraries

for, to me, libraries are

or, to put it another way,

libraries are cathedrals for the mind.

This state-of-the-art storage facility

and I've come here to speak

about some of the very worst ones.

Dr Hilary is a respected linguist

a fascination with some of

We begin with a tour

...for such national treasures.

That is very smooth action.

Almost no friction.

I wonder why that is.

Mm. So, there are

Roof rails. They're suspended.

And they're load-bearing,

which is why it's so easy.

you'd have to be Arnold Schwarzenegger

As it is...

...it can be performed by a...small child.

Or a seven-stone weakling.

What are you? About nine?

Just a bit more, I'd say.

Hilary? Would you just

OK.

Just gently.

From an engineering point of view,

the building is as fascinating

although you're not allowed

Alan, should I release the wall?

STRAINED: Yeah.

Hilary Couchman,

...how long have humans been swearing?

Well, curse words, or "vulgarities",

go back really as far as language itself,

but when it comes to written English,

we find profanities cropping up

So, something like this...

The protocol is that the curator

Oh, OK. Right. Erm...

I'm pretty sure I've seen Dr David Starkey

...I've even seen them

The protocol is the curator

You've said that.

Do they ever let you guys

Because they should do.

Swearing, swearwords.

One of the more prominent words

but c- (BLEEP) too is also common across

- the Germanic and Scandinavian languages.

We also find uses of (BLEEP), (BLEEP),

- (BLEEP), (BLEEP)...

Wh-Wh-What...? Wh-Where...?

What areas

would these profanities emanate from?

I'm thinking Manchester, Liverpool.

No, from across the whole c- (BLEEP) -ry.

- OK.

are parish records from

Now, when would that be?

1295.

That's what these trousers cost.

So, what these documents show

of swearwords were typically found

So, surnames often describe

- what someone was or did.

Here we have a listing

- Goodness me!

- didn't have its current meaning.

It actually referred to

Right. Good.

Well, hence the phrase, "Let's hire

S-So, there are terms

So, here in 1740,

- we have the term "rantallion"...

- A very musical word.

is so relaxed as to be

(ALAN SIGHS)

One wonders whether that's due to

a truncated member

Well, I guess it's just chicken and egg.

some fairly vulgar slang words for penis,

such as "beard-splitter"

- Come on!

as "bagpiping".

Well...it makes sense.

In this 1785 book...

...The Classical Dictionary

- Mm-hm...

to "huffle". Would you like to

Phew, gosh. I'll have a bash. Erm...

"To huffle"... Erm...

The act of putting my head between

Errr... That's...?

No, it's another word to fellate!

Right, OK.

I always find it amusing,

when I ask people that question,

Right, well, that's an interesting part

Thank you very much,

- Dr Hilary Mantel.

"One who likes to squat over another..."

- It's my surname.

But swearing is also of interest

to the scientific community

for the sometimes unexpected ways

To find out more, I've headed

I'm in Hull.

Joseph, how does swearing

Well, swearing is actually processed

in different parts of the brain

We find it in the amygdala.

Oh, which I think is

- Yes!

the part of the brain that governs

- Yes, exactly as we were saying earlier.

What we find is that when we swear,

and we can show this

with this little experiment.

So in a minute, I'm going to ask you

and imagine you're driving.

OK. Any particular car?

- Just your own.

- Well, either.

I've got a saloon,

which is what I'll probably use.

But I also have an MG, which I use

But hardly likely to get annoyed

- because in the countryside...

...people are just better.

Good. I'd like you to imagine that you're

and one of the other drivers

I know exactly the junction.

Yeah, the lights only stay green

- You've really got to be on your game.

close your eyes and imagine

You say something to the other driver,

he says something back, you respond,

but I don't want you to swear.

Oh.

So, in your own time, just say

Staggering, staggering.

Hello?

Mrs Magoo?

Mrs Magoo? I'm trying to get through.

I've been here about half an hour, love.

Don't dither. If you dither,

That's fantastic. Thank you. Now,

same scenario, but this time

- a couple of swearwords.

Oi!

Oi, Mrs Magoo, you blind b...

Regrettably, in the moments

...kin' knob!

Thank you, thank you,

Ah, yes, now, that was...

My emotions became so untethered

that the BBC's legal team

if played in reverse.

That said, I was intrigued

electrodermal activity did increase,

suggesting a relationship

and heart rate,

just as the doctor and I had predicted.

It had been a fascinating experiment.

Alan there with a look at some

And if any of you are wondering

very briefly, nothing to worry about,

I just had an allergic reaction

There'll be an internal inquiry about

If there are any children watching,

They could find it alarming.

Dogs certainly will.

But please don't worry.

Despite the way I look, I feel fine.

It has happened before.

- It happened on my wedding day.

Yeah, had some shellfish.

- Didn't spoil the day.

No, although my then-wife and I

to have the wedding photos destroyed.

- Oh!

Well, often images are better in

- Oh, yes, the camera of your mind.

Couldn't agree more. Cheers, guys.

So, any final comments

Nope. They are mostly

- Comparing them to sausages and the like?

Yeah, that's fine. Jennie?

Well, I'm afraid that's all we have

But to play us out

tonight's focus on female empowerment,

the delightful mixed vocal harmony group

# Doo

# Doo-do doo-do doo...dow!

# Now, there was a time

# When they used to say

# That behind every great man

# There had to be a great woman

# But in these times of change

# You know that it's no longer true

# Cos they're coming out of the kitchen

# There's something

# Sisters are doing it for themselves

# For themselves!

- # They're doing it

- # Ringing on their own bells