Untitled Alan Partridge BBC Series (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Episode #1.4 - full transcript

I'm Alan Partridge.

Last week on This Time, I shared

who was thrown from a burning

I said I'd find out more.

I haven't done that.

But the balls of that dog have

and reminded us

They are sheepdogs, guide dogs,

- hard police dogs, who tirelessly...

...pursue, er, escaped convicts

The stern-faced women behind me



They're decent British dog-lovers

with a petition calling for a monument

They already have 1,000 signatures.

Make that 1,001.

I'm Alan Partridge,

Oh, move, move, move, move, move, move,

Hello, and welcome to This Time.

- With Jennie Gresham!

dangerously out-of-breath

- I am not out of breath.

- I'm speaking now.

- I'm as fit as a fiddle.

I do spinning classes

- three times a week.



Get off! And if you look behind the

under the words "Cardio King

And anyone can check that out -

So! There you go!

If you are in the area, pop in

Well, it won't be there now,

cos it was last month and I don't do

- Oh, was it a bit much?

No, I spewed over the handlebars.

Perfectly normal.

Er, ask Steve Redgrave.

Is that what it's called?

- And, hey...

...good for all of you for getting behind

- our Hero Dogs campaign.

I love doing that to women!

Great to see people throwing their weight

Yeah, and using Twitter to

to just exchange puns

And remember, it's a small operation,

who used to type for the police.

It desperately needs funds,

and pull out your credit card,

Later, we'll be meeting

with an uncanny resemblance to Alan.

I'm not really sure

I'm not sure two of us could handle you!

But first, how many of you

More than you might think.

National statistics say there are

And that's enough to fill

- Wow!

a lot more toilets.

The latest addition to

received her telegram from the Queen

And, as her granddaughter writes,

Aww! Here's what she wrote.

FLOOR MANAGER: 20 seconds!

Where's my fucking water?

I made it very clear I need

or else white saliva forms

- Whose is this?

Careful, it's fizzy.

What?

And I'm delighted to say Rose Hague

Now, Rose, are you there, my love?

Well, of course I'm here.

Rose, many congratulations.

(BURPS) Excuse me.

(BURPING) Many congratulations.

(CONTINUES BURPING)

Hello?

(CONTINUES BURPING)

There we go.

Rose, can you tell us, where...?

No, leave it here.

Here!

Because if you leave it there,

Rose, I believe your father

- stationed in the Army?

- I grew up in the Raj, 1930s.

It was perfectly pleasant there.

One can be rather misty-eyed...

Of course,

Mountbatten did what he could,

- Radcliffe and so forth.

about, er, the secret to your old age.

I'm talking, young man!

Sorry.

Do you normally interrupt people

(UNDER HIS BREATH) I've not been called

Stop mumbling.

Why are you staring at me?

Alan Partridge.

The point being, we had a houseboy -

- you understand? An employee.

He used to run errands,

- Right.

But curiously, he was not an Indian.

- OK.

and they are very different because,

(CONNECTION DROPS)

Oh! Oh, dear!

Er, we seem..

Ooh, we seem to be...

But, yes, a great achievement,

Yes, different times,

and apologies there for the wind.

Now, mention our American cousins,

weaponry, doughnuts, racism

and brown paper shopping bags

AMERICAN ACCENT: What's all that about?

Oh, dear, I thought you were

But there's much more to America

Time for New-S-A,

our first regular update

We're joined by our very own

(AMERICAN ACCENT) ...as American

- Thought you were having a stroke.

Well, I'm sure I would.

I've not met your mum, but I imagine

Crimping crusts, and cutting out

- to plonk on the top of a pie-lid.

- What about your mum?

but I have to say she made bad pies.

And even though she loved me,

without putting any love into it

Just, you know, chopped apples, pastry,

but, as I say, no love.

Er, but, Ruth, I bet you loved

First up,

and find four dead men in a septic tank.

Not the kind of story anyone likes.

I do, actually.

- Right.

Oh, yeah, all right,

I'm the same, though, Ruth.

Well, quite. It's been described

- What?

- from as many...

- you've got a bit of a delay on the line.

Copycat!

I'll just try and soldier on as best...

Sorry, I didn't quite catch that.

It's all right, I was just saying

I'll just try and push on

Yep, go ahead, Alan.

No, you go ahead.

- You go ahead.

- So I...

- You go ahead!

It's like trying to have a chat

with someone in the Philippines.

Or bloody anywhere in the world.

Yes, er...

Sorry, after you.

Ruth, stop talking. We're starting again.

Nod when you get this.

Now, Ruth, hello.

- Hello.

Do you like your mum's apple pie?

Yes.

And I believe the police have found

the remains of four dead men

Yes, that's right.

Well, tell us about it

so we don't have to

Now?

Yes, now!

I should knock on the side of your box.

- Well...

...as I said, it's a grisly discovery,

and while the identities of the men

Sorry, the side of my box?

The owner of the house has been

as 51-year-old Brian Crilly, now

Well, Ruth, I think we'll leave it there

- Thank you.

I'll let you go

- Too hot for me, I'm afraid.

- The week after.

Bye-bye.

Ruth Duggan there, and apologies

Think we got it sorted out in the end.

Now, though, tracking the progress

it's our very own Simon Denton.

SIMON: Hello, Alan.

Simon, when you get your teeth

you never let go!

Whereas you are more of a bounty hunter!

Good start! How's it looking?

Well, let's have a look.

This is the sight, currently,

Just click on the film there.

And there we are.

All quiet on the western front.

And now if I just...

- Let me swipe.

I am doing it with conviction.

- Ah!

You were powerful. It respects that.

Er, now, this icon here, this man,

represents the women...

Wow! Look at them go.

You know, it's such a myth, isn't it,

Anyone who's seen

of a Tory lady politician

Yes, indeed,

Er, we've got a text here.

The hand... Neville, comma, Swansea.

"Why are people happy to throw money

"but they can't find any

Don't know. Any more texts?

Yes. I do, yeah.

This is, well, this is a tweet...

A tweet that Lucy, in the office,

I'll go to my little birdie.

And my little birdie.

- And my little birdie.

Right. "Alan, you're at risk of being

- "your credit card on TV."

- I only held it up for a second.

- and photographed it.

- I only showed one side.

Here's the other side.

4-4...

- Don't read it out!

Swipe off!

With conviction!

There. Right.

- I didn't...

Now, we all love adverts,

In fact, as a publicly funded

the BBC actively curls its lip

at the on-screen promotion

Yet, what if, unbeknownst to the

What if the BBC was being penetrated

As I, Alan Partridge,

(MUSIC STING)

The BBC won't roll out

for the product placement spivs,

but if you know someone on the inside,

- Thanks, Debbie!

...and you can tiptoe through

into a whole world of

The BBC is a much-cherished institution,

known by some simply as Auntie Beeb,

but thanks to certain presenters,

that answers the door wearing lipstick

So how does it work?

Let's say Julia Bradbury is being filmed

Fine!

But what if Julia

using an Orion Super-Compact

The high-class monocular

and, well, you do the math. S.

And, Julia? (COCKNEY ACCENT)

She'll do all right out of it.

(NORMAL ACCENT) But if she did,

ALAN: But there's one household name

to whom rumours cling

Monty Don is one of Britain's

yet many of his peers - not just me,

believe he's accepting cash bungs

to wield or wear their products on air.

Time, then, to reel him in.

He may be green-fingered,

I've arranged a meeting with

The hustle? I'm going to offer him

if he agrees to a little on-air

Well, with my producer hat on,

I've set up a meeting with Don

which will be a combination of gardening,

and another element to be determined

to allow him to be part of the process.

And what Don doesn't know is that I am

with a classic subterfuge kit

lapel-cam, hotel suite,

and in the other room, there's a woman,

- for us to sit tight and wait...

- OK.

- the camera towards the door?

- But it's...

Now, do it!

- Hello.

Very nice to see you.

- Come on in.

- Hey, Monty! Just drying my hands.

Er, can I get you a drink?

- Yes, that would be lovely.

Well, it's all in the minibar there, Lynn.

- Do you have any wine?

A glass of red.

Ah, good man! Two big fat glasses

- Are you sure?

I think she's a bit starstruck.

(LYNN LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY)

- There you are.

- Cheers.

Mmm.

ALAN: A quick...jimmy riddle.

ALAN IN VOICEOVER: I know what I was doing

Monty's fearful reputation precedes him.

It's said he's known on his allotments

although that may be

Time to talk turkey.

As I see it,

Power Plant With Monty Don

would combine the best qualities

with the very best qualities

And I think you're perfectly placed

I think you're one of those people who can

without feeling in any way self-conscious.

When the public watch you

they feel like they're in the garden

That's very kind of you.

Calm down, Lynn, calm down.

Lynn doesn't have a garden.

She's got a couple of hanging baskets

That sounds a bit rude, doesn't it?

Eh, Lynn?

Couple of hanging baskets

Oh, don't cover your brooch.

But, no, by the way,

No, I'm very happy to do this.

Not at all. No, I'm pretty flush

and I don't just mean,

Being back on television...certainly

MONTY: Mmm.

Nah, being back on the old idiot box

certainly greases the wheels,

- Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

The first chink in his armour.

Skip the surf -

The time was right to strike.

- So turf and turf?

- You like nuts, then?

Never mind peanuts -

- how about pound nuts?

pound nuts. Never had 'em.

Forget cashew nuts.

I'm not sure I'm following you here, Alan.

Let's say we go ahead and make

If you could, for example,

to plough a small furrow for some seeds,

you may well find a big fat envelope

Now listen. I would not,

- Monty, Monty, Monty, wait, wait...

Whoa! Monty, we are

Regardless of what I think,

Come on!

Do you think John Craven gets by

If you give him 500 nicker,

a bag of animal feed on Countryfile.

Bung him one large,

So what's your price, Monty?

- I have no price.

- This is getting really...

OK, a billion pounds?

- for a billion pounds, I would.

ALAN IN VOICEOVER: Gotcha!

Ahh!

Well, I've just come from the table

he would accept financial inducements

and whilst the figure mentioned

it seems that everyone

- The question now is...

Go.

- Are these...?

- Are these with you?

...I don't think so.

Are you guys with me?

Alan, what's going on? What's...?

Er...

# This Is Your Life! #

- Alan, that's a menu.

- I know, yeah, that's right.

If you just look up there...

MONTY: Alan!

Just remembered

Can you pay for dinner?

Pay for dinner, yeah?

(CAR STARTS)

Pay for dinner!

It seems that everyone

(MUSIC STING)

And this is the dossier of evidence

that will be presented to the DG

Originally titled

and then in brackets,

it's now called A Common Future, colon,

Let the winds of change blow.

And now the kitchen, where

(LAUGHS) Not yet, Alan.

- But it looks like we might be...

- Well, the credit card's cancelled.

- And they're issuing a new one.

- 110.

So you just need to go through them

Well, everything in the last 20 minutes,

- But everything before that is you?

So the packet of

purchased at 2.31pm?

- Men's slimming corsets?

- Slimming corsets?

- Corsets?

Well, as you can see,

It was before you revealed

Lynn, Lynn,

You've got the means.

You'd be high on the list of suspects

- Egg and Onion...

Yeah, them. If they were investigating

- you would be a person of interest.

As opposed to a person who's interesting.

And never talk about my slimming corsets

Their tongues wag more than

- FLOOR MANAGER: Alan, back in five.

a little shot glass at home,

And back to you, Alan.

Thanks, Jennie! Simon, a quick check

on the progress

Well, where are the dog people?

Well, we...we can't get hold of them

That's how we're keeping track?

Er, yes.

We should probably have a GPS fix there,

- really.

It's easy enough. You just slip an iPhone

That's what I do with my assistant

when she says she's taking the afternoon

"Oh, look, she's in Debenhams."

Well, Lucy in the office

Lucy in the office. You keep

- Mmm.

Lucy in the sky with diamonds?

Er, no.

No, she's a nice...nice girl.

Have you told her?

You should tell her.

- Which one is she?

- Let's have a look at some tweets.

Let's have a look at her.

Hi.

Hello.

Simon, I think, has got something

- Oh, Alan.

ALAN: It's all right.

No, it's just, I was wondering...

- With conviction!

one night?

- Sure, yeah.

- say yes cos you're on live television.

No, I'd love to.

- Two lovebirds on the show.

Gonna be one down at the pub quiz now.

- Oh!

Lucy!

Yeah?

Look after him.

Lovely.

Now!

Bang, bang! Bang, bang!

Oooooooooooh!

The sound there of a heart halting.

Very realistic.

But what if that happened here, now,

Or more likely the show's producer.

- He does get very stressed.

I have to admit I wouldn't,

but luckily, I am sat next to a man

in, let me get this right,

- There you go.

I got it right! ...that people

I do, and it's not a huge sacrifice.

- Mm-hmm.

Make it a monthly thing,

or asking your cleaner about her chemo.

Here's Alan's guide to saving lives.

Every day people collapse, but if an

would you know what to do?

Well, I would.

You see, in 1999,

I hosted an event called

High jinks ensued

a chap swallowed his tongue

which is why now, one afternoon a month,

I brush up on my CPR skills.

The victim?

Well, I use a 35kg replica

purchased from my late friend

He supplied similar units

You're all right, love.

British Heart Foundation use

but I've gone for a full-size,

I set about creating

In today's set-up, my brother's wife

so we can go to the boat show

and indulge our shared love

But today,

having overdosed cos she hates my brother.

And now we're ready.

On discovering a prone body...

- Are you all right?

Eileen, can you hear me?

Eileen?

Come on, Eileen!

Check for signs of breathing.

And then, while waiting for the

Tilting the head back, lift the chin,

then pinch the nose closed, and dock.

And then it's chest compressions.

To achieve the correct tempo,

thinking of the disco track Stayin' Alive.

But for me, the Bee Gees classic has

Instead, I opt for Queen's

a pounding rock number that provides

QUEEN: # How do you think

# Without you when you're gone?

# You took me for everything that I had

# And kicked me out on my own

# Are you happy? Are you satisfied?

# How long can you stand the heat?

# Out of the doorway the bullets rip

# To the sound of the beat. Look out! #

(MUSIC STOPS, ALAN CHUCKLES)

ALAN IN VOICEOVER:

a well-earned breather with a good book

(CLOCK CHIMES)

...before lugging the unit back upstairs

Don't forget to clean the mouth.

Well, important stuff there.

Yes - look after your heart,

Unless you are an octopus

- in which case you have three.

in which case you've got none.

- Now, they say...

...every face is unique, but maybe

Have you ever wondered

to make a living

Well, joining us now

or, if you're German, zwei Doppelgänger.

Please welcome Trevor Mortimer,

AKA 007, Daniel Craig,

and Martin Brennan,

we'll come to you in a second,

but, Trevor, being James Bond

Yes, I've been all over the world,

Mmm. And big question -

I have, actually.

- And do you have his phone number?

Wow! So you've actually

I have, yeah.

I, FYI, was in the TV epic

- Wow.

- Oh, what were you doing there?

and I decided to spend the week

And I was part of this big scene where

and says, "I may show mercy to one man.

And I'm one of the extras

"Barabbas, please!"

Now, Martin, hello,

Ha-ha!

It's "a-ha" - there's no aitch.

- Did I put in a haitch?

Now, normally you're a farmer

- I am.

And how long have you been

Since a week Thursday.

My cousin said, "Martin,

He showed me on the computer.

I said, "Who the hell is that?"

He said, "It's, uh, you know..."

- Alan Partridge.

He said, "He's a famous fella.

I had never heard of you.

- Why does he keep saying that?

I didn't know who you were.

"You'd be as well being a Martin Brennan

- Nah! Cos I'm never gonna go there.

as long as you roll your sleeves up

MAN: Up the yards.

- (LAUGHTER)

That's my cousin. He said he'd like to

Your man'd be

trying to get a pig to lay an egg.

- No.

What?

I said you'd be trying to milk the bulls.

Dirty get! Disgusting.

Ha-ha!

A-ha! There's no aitch.

Ah, feck, I did the haitch again.

Aitch.

And I've not actually said "A-ha"

- SIMON: Yes, you have.

Trying to get into the Johnnie Walker tent

Only to prove who I was.

- I'd lost my wrist band.

Well, Trevor and Martin,

Good. Now, I believe

are arriving into Downing Street

- Let's have a look.

- JENNIE: Oh.

They've not got there.

There's a cat.

MARTIN: There's a cat.

- Martin, are you having a nice time?

I've not put my hand in my pocket

And they're paying me 500 pound.

If any fool wants to pay me 500 pound

- It's the standard fee, so...

- JENNIE: Ooh!

Oooh, oooh, oh!

Look in there now.

- Oh!

The name is there.

It's a tortoise.

- His name is Alun.

Yeah, it, er...

- Pretty sure these are illegal.

Yeah, if you're wanting more of those,

She doesn't want any more,

I have a friend in County Kildare

You talk to me.

Er, well...

I think... Sorry. If anyone's concerned,

- we will contact the RSPCA.

But lovely gesture.

- Lovely Irish gesture.

- that's all we've got time for tonight.

- without a little song.

Thank you anyway,

but we've got a great montage

- We do indeed, yes.

# As I've never loved before... #

You're gonna ruin a slow-mo sequence

of Alsatians jumping up

set to Hungry Like The Wolf

Come on, lads, come on.

- # Come to me... #

# Or my dream of love is o'er

# I love you as I loved you

# When you were sweet

# When you were swee-eet

# Sixteen... #

(DRUMMING, MUSIC SPEEDS UP)

# Come out, ye Black & Tan

# Show your wife how you won medals

# Tell her how the IRA

# From the green and lovely lanes

# Armoured cars and tanks and guns

# Came to take away our sons

# But every man should stand behind

- # The men behind the wire! #

# Armoured cars and tanks and guns

# Came to take away our sons

# But every man should stand behind

# The men behind the wire! #

Ha, that was grand, that, yeah.

Mighty. Yeah.

Double-0-fecking-bollocks.

ALAN: Oh, my God,

Who are we gonna blame?