Untitled Alan Partridge BBC Series (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript

(TAPS HANDS RAPIDLY)

# Rom-bob-dom dob-a-dob-dom

- # Rom-pa-dom pom-bom-bom-bom... #

# I'm in a good mood! #

I once saw Pierce Brosnan

I was quite shocked,

JENNIE: Right, what have we got?

- Corporal punishment.

Stand by. First positions, everyone.

You're looking very brown.

Er, no.



You had a spray tan, then?

Er...

...don't think so.

- (BOTH CHUCKLE)

Good evening and welcome to

and the man I am delighted,

to announce

- (APPLAUSE)

I'd like to tickle your pink.

Tickle you pink.

So end of an era, start of a new one!

Thank you. So many messages,

also had a great meeting

Had a few drinks, a few canapes,



You respect me, I'll respect you,

It was a good atmosphere. Yeah.

Now plenty in store tonight.

First, it's National Teenage Week,

so, every day, we've been focusing on

(HIP ACCENT)

- (HIP ACCENT) Oh, yeah!

Wassup?

PRODUCER: And we're off!

- Yes, cheers.

ALAN: Um, so... Oh, yeah, now very

we should probably meet at mine

you know, just to get to know

Doesn't have to be lasagne,

with a couple of cans.

- OK, lovely, yeah.

- I think it's a great idea.

All right. No, it's good,

- It's all about the chemistry.

I feel like the audience can just

- Absolutely.

It is an animal instinct. Have you ever

They won't let cats in the studio

- Yeah.

because it will give us a chance to air

- and you'll be great.

Oh, hi, Dale. I'm Jennie.

- Nice to meet you.

What do you mean, what do you mean,

- I'll tell you later.

- And we're on in five, four...

- Tell me.

Thank you.

Welcome back.

Tomorrow, our focus is on teenage angst

ALAN: Ah, well, that's a tough issue,

The closest I've ever come to self-harm,

would be I used to pluck nasal hairs

when I was angry with myself

Sometimes poke my skin with one

"That would make a good sword for an ant."

But, today, we look

a trend that has caused particular decay

And yet I know, anecdotally

that Scottish people can make

We're joined on the sofa by Dale Daniels,

who now campaigns to improve

- Dale, thanks for joining us.

- Hi.

- Even for a Scot.

- Absolutely.

...a so-called developed nation, you know,

letting kids rot away

- When I grew up...

Hmm?

I thought you were... Please.

When I grew up, there was industry,

and shipbuilding in the Clyde,

That's no' there any more, huh?

- And then...

- What?

So what happens? You know, I mean,

and we lay the blame at them.

But we did that, huh?

You don't agree?

Oh, I do.

JENNIE: So how do we get out

- Is it education, training?

- But it's bigger than that, eh?

You know, it's about seeing the world

- ...from their point of view, huh?

You know, we closed down Sure Start

and you wonder why the kids

- Huh.

- I don't know if you have any kids, huh?

- Huh?

Huh. Well, I've got a 13-year-old and

all you're doing is building

Huh, huh, huh, huh, huh.

It's amazing because, weirdly,

- actually makes sense.

- Mm?

- Good.

Jimmy...Jennie.

Well, thank you so much, Dale Daniels.

Finding the time to stay in shape

I donned my sweatbands

how one street in Walsall

PRODUCER: And we're off.

- One minute.

- Dale, thank you.

- Cheers. Huh.

Hope I didn't put you off with

Oh, God, no.

I think if you don't enunciate,

- They're just buggers about it.

- Your Ts are just a little bit splashy.

- Yeah, a bit sibilant.

- Say, "Intimate."

Yeah, see, what you're saying is

- Do you hear the difference?

Come here, come here, come here.

Look at my lips. In...

- In...

Tuh.

- Mut.

- She's just teaching me to talk.

- Do you warm up before the show?

Yeah, you should, you'll get there.

Oh, thanks.

It's "none of us is perfect".

Hmm?

Yeah. It's...

You wouldn't say, "Not one of us are

"None of us are perfect."

Just, you know, like you say, we don't

Yeah, well, thanks.

- PRODUCER: And we're back.

- Five...

- Four...

Is.

Now, how much meat do you eat?

I know you're a big fan, Alan.

I enjoy lots of meat.

Did you know that I'm actually

I just started to think if you're not

you shouldn't be eating it.

I think I'd be prepared to hunt down

I actually once saw a man behead

Just ran round in circles, then, splat!

Yeah.

Stays with you, stuff like that.

Well, farms can be quite

They can, yes,

Well, how long can you go without meat?

We set avowed carnivore Palaeo-Partridge

the challenge of going meat-free

Let's see how he got on.

- # You and I... #

- # ...ate a sausage sandwich... #

But, today, everyone from

are telling us we need to eat less of it.

This is about the amount of meat I eat in

That's the equivalent of a very fat baby

Monday is mince day,

Then it goes chicken, chops, chicken,

before rounding out the week with

I like sausages.

Quick tip - if there's any pieces of meat

you can take a used Magnum stick,

you've got meat lollies for the car.

Do remember, though,

so they don't slide off,

which is why bees die

because as they fly away,

But this delicious, groaning table

of animal pieces is about to be

(COW MOOS)

...as I, Alan Partridge,

I'm kicking the weef okk with a medical.

As a man of a certain age, I get myself

a significant change in lifestyle,

be it enjoying regular sex again

or feeling down in the dumps

Just want to pop yourself on the scales.

Aye.

This is physician Dr David Armitage.

- No, you can keep them on, Alan.

A slightly ill-tempered GP,

he left the world of medicine

with his wife, who then left him,

It's nothing to worry about. Some say

that Homo sapiens are naturally

and feeding on meat is like...

Just like putting petrol

No.

Putting diesel in a petrol tank?

No, not that bad, even.

Like putting premium unleaded

The doctor would normally

but, as I say,

Well, today promises to be

I'm about to have lunch with two

in both senses -

The first made his money

The second, well,

If you were to walk into any tanning

chances are he owns it.

That's right, it's Darryl Flench.

Ideally, I'd have relocated the lunch

but business doesn't work that way.

When a bunch of men

whether to promote a brand of

or indeed anything else, they don't toast

they clink glasses and laugh their way

That's great. Thanks, Baz.

Cheers, mate. All right, OK. I'll see you.

- Really good.

OK. (CHUCKLES)

Well, munching on hummus and carrot sticks

I had to think of something meat-free

In the end, I demolished eight

and 20 onion rings,

all washed down with

Day three, and I'm here at my local gym

Whereas gyms in London often stink,

I'm here to investigate whether the switch

Spot me, spot me, spot me.

This is Gino.

After his career as a male model was

he turned to personal training.

I wanted to ask him about

Gino, talk me through the stats.

It's worth noting that Gino

is unfamiliar with

OK, well, you'd normally bench

- around 30 kilos.

And sometimes when you're not here

- I might bench 41 kilos or 90 pounds.

- Yeah, wow. But today...

- to lift 28 kilos.

which is some way short

You don't normally do 41 kilos.

- 90 pounds.

- 66 pounds.

61 pounds.

- ...is only two kilos short of 30 kilos.

- 66 pounds.

Well, it's a drop-off

from the 41 kilos, 90 pounds, that

Fine.

I like Gino.

I don't think he quite got what I was

he makes up for by having a muscly body.

But in the early hours,

especially as someone whose mind

as a Dirt-Boy gardening dungaree.

I've just woken up from having

It's fine, I have it all the time.

And it got to the part where I was

and I looked up and Bianca was leaning

"I thought I told you to stay

And then she untwizzled her dressing gown

...I saw that she was made

I think I ate her.

And worse was to follow at

Ordinarily at these meetings,

because I'm literally fizzing

What does drive value mean?

No, it's not. It actually means something.

...but today I was more like flat pop...

...lifeless...

...listless...

...lost...

This...had...to...end.

But after nearly five days

I think I proved, A, my point

I'm Alan Partridge and I eat meat.

But there's a happy accident to my story.

People say, "How did going veggie help you

Well, it's to do with going to the toilet.

I never realised it could be

What was once a gentle migration

leaving me with a free half-hour

I was twiddling my thumbs

when I found myself

"Hey, Denise, it's Alan Partridge,

"brackets, Dad, exclamation mark.

Well, fast-forward to me and my daughter

in my favourite Starbucks having a good

Thanks, vegetarianism,

Mmm!

Vegetables.

# You and I share a common language

# When you and I ate a sausage sandwich. #

So a fairly gruelling week there, Alan.

It did gruel me, Jennie, yes.

- But you reconnected with your daughter.

Obviously now I've resumed meat-eating,

but life, like cheap meat, can be tough.

Conversely, life can also,

be tender and succulent,

with just a bit of blood.

Now, though, over to a man that looks like

eating white bread all day long.

Vitamin deficient but humour proficient,

Hello, Alan.

- Hi.

Well, Simon, you've

Wack-wack!

Keeping your ear to the ground

- Big Chief Chuckle Chops.

Right, so, we asked viewers to send in

- and you have done in your dozens.

I was just having a chuckle with Lucy

- Yeah.

but we start with one that was sent in

- Oh, now this is good, this is fantastic.

- You found it in the Sussex Telegraph?

And if we could just get a picture up,

That is no files found.

- Hmm.

The plot thickens.

Up there, down there.

You found it in the Sussex Telegraph

- Nada.

Nada. Let's go again.

Come on. Say a little prayer.

Come on. No files found.

Eh...

- Can you do it without the picture?

Do it without.

So the headline is, erm,

- Mm-hm.

of a train, hence choo, but vandals have

- I want to find the picture.

Can someone bring me my smart-pad?

Um, er, right.

(DEVICE JINGLES)

God, that's a good picture.

No, no, it's not here.

Oh, well.

Do it without the picture, just...

- It's fine, I've got it on my phone.

Right, OK, so the headline is

and I can... Can you see that?

- Any.

- So if you zoom in, you should...

- That's gone off. Why's that gone off?

- Battery's gone.

Note to Simon,

before you're on a live TV show next time.

- On This Time.

- So the headline read?

And the photo was of?

- Photo of a truck.

A train, sorry. Saying...

- Not saying.

hence, "What are you lookin' at?"

- What Choo Lookin' At? Choo-choo train.

I know, it was very funny.

- Choo-choo train.

That was good. Back to you, Jennie.

- I know.

- Now, to some people...

...driverless cars sound like

Others see a computer failing

and wonder why you'd expect it to

even one of the larger ones.

But it seems

And for some, that spells opportunity.

Our reporter Ruth Duggan joins us

a Cambridge-based software company.

ALAN: Ruth, I'm sure we'll be speaking

now I'm the new co-host.

Hope there are no hard feelings.

OK, fair enough. Ruth, a drastic change

Well, I don't know about drastic.

Mercedes-Benz developed

so change has been relatively gradual.

And I believe we'll be seeing these

That's right.

The Government has said that it wants

Once again, jobs potentially

Well, actually,

The Treasury has earmarked 150 million

And it'll spell big changes to everything

It certainly will.

Presumably premiums are going to go

No, the opposite. Some 94% of crashes

Remove that from the equation

Computers don't share our bad habits,

- I suppose.

- Exactly.

A computer isn't going to fiddle

while changing lanes on a motorway,

Not sure people do.

In-built sat navs tend to be disabled

The point is, all of the things that

look in the mirror, slow down,

- they're all done by AI.

to push, though, it'll just be

Because it's automatic transmission.

Precisely.

Well, I take your point,

it'll mean no more

- DVSA, maybe?

Oh, it's not the DVLA any more,

and became the DVSA in 2014, I think.

Mm, meaning what, the Driving

That's absolutely right, Jennie.

Well, forgive me, I'm not familiar

- It's not an abbreviation.

And not an acronym either, no,

An acronym is an initialism that can be

- You should watch more QI.

That's exactly right, Jennie, yes.

Either way, the biggest change

Britain has tended to be somewhat

but expect that frostiness to unthaw

- Unthaw?

- Thanks, Ruth.

- A fascinating...

because she was under pressure.

A fascinating glimpse

Now, it's three decades

since corporal punishment was

Corporal punishment, of course,

I've been asked to point that out

find added clarity useful.

But as we found out this week, it's

PRODUCER: 45 seconds.

- Bring lunchbox, I'm starving.

If I don't eat, I'll faint.

I'm back on TV, I think

Do you want some shortbread?

No, Lynn, think premium.

Do you think the Dimblebys eat Penguins?

- I'm having a sandwich now.

PRODUCER: Clear the floor, please.

OK, guys, stand by,

It's a seeded batch -

It'll push your gums back even further.

15 seconds.

Do you want to spit it into my hanky?

- Nnhh!

And we're back on in five, four...

That was good egg.

The views of the British public there.

And as you can see,

Especially that very shouty guy -

it did worry me a bit what might have

I remember a boy at school, actually,

- by a wooden board duster.

And he spoke really loudly

We used to call him Boom Boom.

Well, to help us look

we sent Alan back to his old school.

And I must warn you that this film

some viewers may find disturbing.

This is St Jude's High School -

a secondary specialising in the

But back in the 1970s, it was an actual

(BELL RINGS)

Today the corridors of St Jude's are alive

(CHILDREN PLAY)

Back then, however, the school echoed with

(THWACKS AND GROANS)

(THWACKING CONTINUES)

(GROANING CONTINUES)

...the noise of corporal punishment.

Thrashings were

The only ways to avoid a walloping -

like Dominic Bentham, although I think

(WHISPERS) Oi!

Alas, for those of us

the finger of blame didn't always

Partridge! What is that? Bring it here!

And stop gawping, for crying out loud.

Ordinarily, I'd see a boy taking the long

"He was being disruptive.

but on this occasion

What is it?

ADULT ALAN: It's a picture of you, sir,

- Is that what you think I look like?

- It was Smithy. He's from a broken ho...

Something changed in me that day.

I had walked to school a boy...

Now sit down, you lemon.

...but I returned home a big boy.

Fortunately, what the psychotic teachers

lacked in self-control

Inexperienced teachers would often

with little backlift

But swing analysis

reveals this to be both ineffective

With little rotation of the hips,

which means the maximum arc

and an unsteady stance means energy

But watch what happens with a firmer base

(WHISTLE)

In this case, the swing stops here.

Look at the line from the shoulder

The wider stance creates stability,

can be transferred from the standing leg

and with the hips rotated right round,

If we play on, watch now how

through the arc of the swing,

picking up speed, as the front knee bears

The striker hits through the target,

until he ends up in a finishing pose

Impressive.

Eventually corporal punishment was subject

but the memories remain -

sore heads, swollen knuckles,

Sounds funny. Don't feel funny.

- Well, a rather harrowing look...

...at a practice I'm glad to say

Hear, hear!

As a parent,

yet my wife hit them, ex-wife, but I

Riddle me that one.

- But have schools become too soft?

And are we now facing

- Functioning alcoholic.

we're here with a panel of people

drawn from media, education

Paul Froggatt, a former head teacher,

you headed up the campaign to abolish

Which we finally achieved

- Ah, that must have been quite a moment.

Must have got hammered.

We were...very pleased.

But others wonder if we're letting

Carole Blears from the Daily Mail,

attacking political correctness

and you believe that pupils have

- Well, that's an understatement.

We'll come to you in a minute

Who believes school discipline

Half and half. That's shocking.

Paul Froggatt, let me put to you

- You can put it down now.

You're a teacher at a tough

let's call it St Bastard's

There's a problem boy,

er, no, no, Bobby Rascal.

He's been going around saying

round the back of the bike shed.

Now, that's crossing a line.

How do you handle a pupil like that?

Well, I don't handle any pupil.

That's my point.

Because going back 30 or 40 years, he

Further back than that,

Even further, he would have been made

holding a sack of potatoes.

You understand how that would work?

- The extra weight.

- It would make the nails dig in more.

Er, Carole...

Look, all violence does is

Well, does it?

Does cycling continue

- I'd like to make a point.

It's just that they tried to kick us

because people were saying that

- Right, but she hadn't?

- OK. Well, good.

- You were hitting your daughter?

- So it wasn't you?

- By your wife?

- In front of your daughter?

Honestly, sometimes you just want to

- Anyone...

Yeah, no, I meant why was she hitting you?

Oh, sorry, I thought you meant that...

No, but why, why, why were you being hit?

- Because I'd smoked all her fags.

So your wife was hitting you because

- Not my wife, my daughter.

No. My wife was hitting me,

- Oh, so they were her cigarettes?

Your wife hit you because your daughter

- your wife's cigarettes?

Why?

She doesn't like seeing her upset.

Not why was your wife hitting you,

why was your daughter upset that you

Her mam doesn't smoke.

So why did she have cigarettes?

I don't think she did. I don't know.

Anyway, she was...she wasn't there.

But you just said she was hitting you.

No, that was my wife.

No, my daughter's mam was up

- Different people.

- Aye.

Let me get this right.

You were in a holiday home with

and your new wife was hitting you

because you'd smoked

Please, God, say yes.

Yes.

It's like one of those mind puzzles

You know, a man who's found dead

- How did he die?

- Yes.

Plenty of views on all sides

Paul, you've written

- Yes.

in which presumably a smacked boy

and ends up doing something awful,

- Sort of.

- Yeah.

Sadly, no time for our second moral

Jennie, do dogs go to heaven? In a word.

- No.

- No.

- Yes.

That's all we've got

- Goodnight.