Untitled Alan Partridge BBC Series (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript

ALAN: You know...

You know...

Oh, it's...

You know...

You know...

You know...

- PRODUCER: Are you all right, Alan?

PRODUCER: Guys, clear the floor.

We're on air in five, four...

Good evening.

It's a sad time on This Time.



It falls to me to say he has gone

We were given the news

that colleague and tireless man

has passed away at the age of 65.

John had presented this show

but had been an institution

You know... (EXHALES)

Er, guys, do you mind

Um...

When I was a kid, I was lucky.

I had a train set in the cellar,

and I'd play

But one birthday morning,

There, in the tunnel, was a sparrow's nest



vulnerable and frightened.

As delicately as I knew how,

I reached inside and picked up

but as I leaned forward to pat it,

my elbow knocked the switch

The train leapt forward - clickety-clack,

I was sure that the bird would panic.

But then something incredible happened -

it wasn't shaking any more.

It was watching the trains go by,

comforted by the silly little spectacle

Choo-choo, tweet-tweet...

I'll never forget

that spread across that sparrow's face.

Sorry, guys.

Why have I been speaking

You know...

I guess something just hit me.

Today,

vulnerable, frightened...

And maybe, just maybe,

is our train set.

And do you know where it's bound?

It's bound for a town,

and that town is called

because it's time for This Time.

Hello, and welcome to the show.

A sad show for all of us here,

For all of you at home.

And I'd like to start tonight

John and I were very close colleagues,

and your messages today

I too knew John.

Now, you can tweet a message about John

to help us get a picture

- A mosaic of mourning.

- A collage of commiseration.

Yeah, I think John would like that,

It's sort of a graph, isn't it?

- Is it?

You all right?

There's a shuttlecock up there.

Remember, of course,

Yeah, or if you prefer, simply #Johngone.

Over there, in a seating rake borrowed

who've chosen to be here this evening,

in a TV studio,

(COUGHING)

I was looking at the last message

It's a very ordinary message, actually,

- I'm sorry, bit of a wobble there.

I'm here for you and,

"I will stick around on this show

Oh, thank you, Alan.

Well, you know, and particularly

Er, yeah, he wrote,

"You're a little superstar, Milly."

He used to call me Milly,

Well, I'd call you Billy.

One in a billion. Or Trilly.

Well, I think I'd settle for one million.

Wouldn't want to get too bigheaded.

Well, actually, no,

That means, in the UK,

there would be 65 women

That's still a pretty exclusive club.

That would fit in my conservatory.

Have to let the doors open,

So, what about the public face of John?

Here's Alan with a look back

audiences came to know simply as John.

Baskell.

"It seemed to me you lived your life

so said Elton John about Marilyn Monroe,

The list goes on.

But John was bigger than a mere candle.

It seemed to me

he lived his life

like an oil rig flare stack

Like an oil rig,

was physically quite squat

and, thanks to his prodigious

helped prop up the economy of Scotland.

"Your candle burned out long before

continued Elton.

And it's no exaggeration to say

that Scotland's vast reserves

would burn out long before

Exaggeration? Possibly.

Sentimental nonsense?

But there is broad agreement

The former BBC Television Centre.

John had a real appetite

and snaffled his way along the corridors,

gorging on the opportunity,

as he chomped his way to the top,

his big break, or mouthful,

And it needn't cost you a king's ransom.

Consisting largely of John

sampling cooked breakfasts

the show was, like the man himself,

A great show, terrible reviews,

so it cancelled before the end of its run.

But it alerted

to John's talent,

and he was now a big fat blip

This led to what John called

a veritable roll call

Which is why, in 2012, he was named host

delighting us all with puns

They can be prickly customers.

John Baskell, what was he like?!

What are you like?!

# Yes, it seemed to me

# You lived your life

The life of John Baskell

Now, while telly John

private John devoted himself quietly

to his charitable foundation,

Here to tell us more

of John's foundation,

Jennie is joined by John's brave widow,

Thanks, Alan.

- Well, Fran, welcome to the show.

Thank you so much for joining us on...

Such a load of toss!

I mean, just a bore.

Ate too much sirloin,

Yeah.

What have you got?

Well, I've been on the phone

- about the ramblers crossing your garden.

They say it isn't a public footpath.

- Hallelujah.

What's that when it's at home?

Well, it's like a public footpath,

The previous owners didn't mind it,

What? I wish you'd fall

You mean public access.

Well, I quite like the idea

Yes, because your mind's addled

These riders don't gallop, Lynn,

they just sit on their horses,

- You're coming across well.

- Remember, there's a vacancy here now.

- His body's barely cold.

The time is upon us.

Have you ever seen the devil's nanny

No, why?

- Just you remind me of her, that's all.

Try saying, "Have no fear, little one,

Have no fear, little one,

If you'd knocked on my door at Halloween,

I would have fouled my unders...

- Please, Alan.

...and then given you some sweets.

Go on, off you go.

JENNIE: Well, Fran,

- Thank you.

And back to you, Alan.

Fuck.

Thanks, Jennie. And welcome once again

the Simon Denton area.

- Ah, Simonsville.

Sector Simon in the Denton Quadrant.

- Well, I'm not going to do another one.

And may I say,

a lovely speech at the top of the show?

Oh, yeah, I don't know,

Better than in the car?

Yeah. So what's this, then?

Now, what we've got here

All of the tweets coming in

will all come up here

OK, so what we're watching

- Exactly, yes.

He'd be scrolling in his grave.

Yeah, well, no, he's still in the morgue.

Yes, keeping cool.

at some of these tweets, then, shall we,

Ellie McGuire says,

"The show will never be as good

She's right, of course.

The show will never be the same.

"As good."

It will just be different.

"Without him." And then

signifying that the tweet has come in.

Harold911, "Alan, where get shoes?"

Presumably,

Slightly less relevant. Move on.

Hang on, hang on.

Bit of a tangent, but, yes, these are

but I'm guessing

is a pair of plastic slip-ons,

Okey dokes. As you can see, they are

That's the West Midlands,

and then down in Devon and Cornwall

Looks like an air raid.

It really does.

You can imagine

"Britain is at war!"

- Alan?

why a foreign aggressor would target

I mean, the Midlands, sure.

That's a manufacturing hub.

- But why Devon?

- No, go on, go on.

there's a big meat-processing plant

supplies a lot of the country's poultry.

You think they'd hit our chickens?

My God, imagine the body count.

And they'd have to get rid of them.

Mass poultry graves.

Set 'em alight. Watch 'em burn.

The smell.

It'd be absolutely...

Actually, it would be delicious.

It'd be lovely. And that's Norwich lit up.

Oh, my God, there's 50,000 kids there!

Sorry, I forgot what was real then,

- Did you, Simon?

- A bit, though?

Well, some very sweet messages there.

Anyway, some of them obviously

And all your messages will be coming up

Grieve away. Get grieving.

Jennie.

Thank you.

Now, they say a death in the family

and since our viewers are as much a part

ALAN: They so are.

...we wanted to give them

because he affected so many people,

from his viewers,

to his colleagues,

And he cared so much

He used to bring them off in the street.

He used to bring them in off the street.

- What did I say?

Oh, God, yes, sorry.

Sorry. He... My mistake,

He'd bring them in off the street, yeah.

Yes, sorry, I did it... I'm sorry.

Although, gosh,

Yeah. Bloody awful business, isn't it?

So, Annie, you were a fan of John

- A long time.

- He was a man of real warmth.

I'm on my own, you see,

Yeah. Just let me get...

...not like some of them.

Get a tissue.

Actually, can you just hold that?

- (AMPLIFIED) Oh, thank you.

And you used to write to John, didn't you?

- (AMPLIFIED) OK.

Yeah, I used to write to him

He never wrote back, but he had a lot on.

ALAN: Matalan?

But one day, I noticed

he was wearing a tie pin

- Aw!

Yeah.

You know, listening to you talk there,

- it really puts things in perspective.

I have a dimmer switch at home which hums,

But if you're standing still,

And I was trying to hear it,

when I got the news of John's death.

I got three texts.

Second one, "John Basket."

Third one, "Baskell."

Straightaway, I texted her back "VS",

but when I went back

it just didn't seem important.

I think it's something to do

which interrupt when you lower

and that causes a mechanical vibration...

- Does that make sense?

...which is unavoidable, like death.

Anyway, I've got a tissue here, though.

And look, there's a Minstrel inside it.

- You can have that.

Oh, actually...

Also, I've got... Yeah.

- I've got a couple of After Eight mints.

- One for you.

- OK.

Well, thank you so much, Annie,

Cheers.

Thank you.

And meanwhile, let's mingle

Come on, budge up, make a space.

- What's your name?

That's a lovely Welsh name.

And you are?

Ted.

OK. You weren't quite sure then.

But in all sadness,

Well, it's very, very sad, you know.

The show won't be as good without him.

It's very true,

the show will not be the same without him.

You see, I watched him close up.

I'd come down a couple of times a week

if they let me in,

- Right.

A couple of times a week?

I mean, we probably should have set up

Nah, I've got to get back for the kids.

Back to?

Sunderland.

You came all the way down from Sunderland

Yeah, I'd take a day off work

Mm-hm. So that's more than

Yeah, then I'd go back on the ten o'clock,

and I'd get in about quarter to six

It would take you eight hours to get back?

Yeah, well, you have to wait three hours

before the Metro starts again.

Right. So what do you do in Newcastle

I smoke, think, walk about.

And who's looking after the kids?

A man who lives downstairs.

Well, now John's gone,

I can't now.

They're in care.

- They've been taken away.

- Because I'm not there enough.

Ted, it's been a real pleasure

But it's not just adults who are saddened,

it's children too.

Today's post brought a deluge of drawings

and pictures of John

Here's a selection,

accompanied by a track called

PRODUCER: And we're off.

- All right.

Yeah, did that...?

- Jennie...

- Come here, come here.

How are you?

Er, you know.

Hey, you should come down to the farm.

- Oh, God, I'd love that.

- Oh!

- We should ride.

Hey, you horrible lot, how are you doing?

AUDIENCE: Hi.

I hope you're not being too hard

AUDIENCE: No.

WOMAN: We love you, Sam.

I love you too, all of you.

Go easy on him, eh?

Listen, Jennie,

- when they called last week.

But I gotta say, Alan, hey,

did an absolutely sterling bloody job,

I take my hat off to you and salute you.

Yeah. I think you salute people

absolutely doesn't matter.

Even if I was free,

No, I'm just filling in, you know.

And I've got a pretty big iron

- Oh, yeah, what's that?

for mid-morning slots.

Part of Holistic Media.

They also own Crown FM.

East of England Radio? Cathedral Digital?

The Wash? The Groove? The Buzz?

PRODUCER: Ten seconds on VT.

Lavender FM? Lavender Digital?

Yarmouth Rocks?

Wold FM? Radio Orwell?

PRODUCER: Back in five.

- You know Radio 1?

Yeah, well, that's a radio station,

- Got it.

Art from the heart.

And so healthy to see kids

in such a positive way, isn't it?

Oh, yeah, definitely.

I mean, I was always taught, you know,

but it's good to see

Don't forget to keep your tweets

Your messages of condolence

will be appearing on the screen

Anyway, as the Dalai Lama says,

Yeah, you cock a snook at bad news,

I do, actually. I'm a snookcocker.

SIMON: I'm sure there's an anagram

- What?

I'm just saying, I'm sure

Doesn't matter.

Press on.

Introduce your next guest.

Calling me that? Not an anagram.

Simon Denton there.

- Funny Simon Denton.

What's fascinating about history is that,

unlike bread in a bakery

it's never going to run out.

But military history is a genre

A new series promises to shed light

and we'll be talking to its presenter,

- Hello.

But first, since military history

I thought I'd don my wellies

on one of my favourite battles.

Let's take a look at my report.

A simple stream in North Walsham,

But six centuries ago,

this stream would have flowed

I was hoping to illustrate it

by pouring in this bucket

but some Dilbert at the council

it would contaminate the water supply.

So close your eyes instead

and imagine bits of dead men

This was the Peasants' Revolt of 1381,

caused, some say,

But there's compelling evidence

that low wages

As Kirstie Allsopp says,

Whatever the pros and cons,

there can be no excuse

The execution of their ringleaders

that laws are there for a reason.

Behind me is North Walsham Heath.

What today is a pleasant place to rest

as many of them lay dying here.

You see, razzed up on scrumpy

they brought to the battle

And as anyone who's played squash

guts and aggression are no match

unless his opponent's had a big breakfast.

The battle was bloody.

After the first day, the Bishop's men

a place for the pooped troops

They would have discussed tactics

No potatoes in those days, of course,

It was simply lamb shank

In contrast, one can picture the peasants,

weeing into bushes,

telling disgusting jokes

before attacking the Bishop's men

But their lack of organisation

for the deft swordsmanship

The labourers were serfs,

their hands more used to drawing milk

than wielding a sword.

The trained soldiers knew to have

the other on the pommel.

That is what I do.

- PEASANT: I've got kids!

God forgive me.

The battle continued...

(HEAVES)

...the Bishop's men fighting off futile,

from the peasants.

The battle continued till dusk.

Agh!

The last of the rebels dispatched,

and a bloody defeat

if the peasants had simply raised

through the correct channels.

- (YELLS IN PAIN)

A sobering reminder that war,

the Second World War

or the great war of China,

always takes a heavy toll.

I've been fighting.

And I was the winner!

And there'll be plenty more

Its presenter - and sometimes

joins us now - Sam Chatwin.

- Hello.

Can I just say, before we kick off...?

Both on a personal level and on behalf

truly sorry to hear about John's passing.

Ah, and on behalf of me and Jennie...

There's something very special

and that was down to John.

And it was also down to you, Jennie.

Alan, I know you've only just come

Yes...

- But John touched many hearts.

Thank you.

- He'll be sorely, sorely missed.

- He will. He will.

- He will.

as a BBC nature presenter,

- for you, isn't it?

But you know something?

and it's just great to share

Me too.

-...with the audience at home.

I think a lot of people look at you, Sam,

You know, to go from nature programmes

to one of the biggest gigs

that's quite a feat.

Yeah, I guess.

Thank you. Thank you for saying that.

And a little known fact,

your father was head

- wasn't he?

But, you know, for me,

Yes.

And, you know,

and it's a very good question...

Cheers.

...I think a lot of my willingness

comes, funnily enough, from John.

- Aw.

Actually, do you mind

I remember when I was in bed, at school,

and everyone would chime up

saying what they wanted to be

racing driver, entrepreneur, foreign

- Yeah.

of a career in broadcasting,

- I mean, after all, who was I?

- of factual programming.

I wrote a letter to the presenter

true story, asking him for advice.

Now, I never thought he'd reply.

I mean, why would he?

- The son of the head of factual...

It was short, to the point,

but it did the job for me.

And, you know, years later,

God, we laughed,

- Aw!

Christmassed together very often.

We became very close, actually.

Yeah, we were very, very close.

I too knew John.

Well, I think a lot of people felt that,

I mean, I bet if you asked his audience,

Well, actually can I just...?

- Go for it, yeah.

Hi, guys, quick favour.

Hands up, anyone here,

Yeah, there's a few of you.

But I bet a damn sight more of you

Am I right?

You know it. That was his gift, you see.

Cheers.

- He leaves a hole is what I'm saying.

Which is why...

Nah, I've lent it to you.

I'm so sorry,

You know I've guest presented this show

But, no, he leaves a hole,

which is why everyone watching appreciates

Must take guts.

You know, not many people

I mean, some people would take

- like the make-up woman Mary.

Yeah, I mean, she took a day off

a CAT scan and found cat cancer,

Now, War Machine...

I feel like I should be asking you

So, Alan Partridge,

Yeah, very good question.

She used to drive me nuts

No, I didn't!

Monkey Nuts, I used to call her.

Yeah, I call her Trilly.

Ah, it's so good to have you back.

Get a room!

Well, talking of monkey nuts...

Get a room!

...I think we've got a little clip

It's a little thing that you do

in your nature shows that has fast become

Let's take a look.

All right.

SAM AS MALE MONKEY:

SAM AS FEMALE MONKEY:

Can you share it?

MALE: Yeah, in a minute,

Mwah! Oh, I love you,

I'll just have a tiny bit more,

FEMALE: I would like some chocolate.

MALE: Mwah! Oh, it's all finished now.

Yeah, you wouldn't have liked it anyway,

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

- That really makes me chuckle every time.

I used to do animal noises myself

- on rambles with the kids.

Yeah. Yeah, there was...

There was Simon the Sheep, Martin Cow,

Simon the Squirrel and Chris the Bee.

Well, go on, let's hear it.

No, no, that's Sam's thing.

- I'd like to hear it, wouldn't you?

Oh, come on.

- Exactly!

- Come on, don't be shy.

- Oh, please.

Let's move on, move on.

- Oh, have you got cold feet?

Hold still, you.

If I don't pick these ticks off your back,

you'll get sores

and you might die,

and then you'll never get a girlfriend,

a monkey girlfriend, who'll kiss you.

Get off, Mum, I hate you!

You ruin my life.

Why are you not making eye contact

I will do in a minute.

There, I nearly did one then.

All right, bye. Bye, then.

Goodbye.

- That's pretty good.

Ah, well, Sam,

Always a pleasure, never a chore.

It's always worth trying stuff like that.

Well, you're always welcome.

I'd love to have you back on the sofa

- Well, let's see what happens.

So War Machine starts

Wait, wait, wait. Uh-oh.

Uh-oh.

Right, apologies, if anyone saw that,

- So, once again, apologies from us.

- Are we cutting to that?

I don't think we are cutting to that.

It's just a tweet. It says,

"All this BS about what a great guy

- Well...

"He gave me a pottery lesson

"and saying,

Well, let's not assume that these...

Same person goes on to say,

"It started off as a vase,

"it was just a very wide ashtray."

Oh, that's sad.

Well, all we know right now

which is unregulated, remember.

Absolutely, absolutely. There's one more.

Just says, "I once took a cup of tea

What's that?

Ah, it's the panic shot

But there's still a monitor here. It says,

"I once took a cup of tea

"and he flopped his gown open,

"and twirled his penis around,

"saying, 'I'm a Catherine Wheel' -

Important to say,

It goes to show he was able

even from the most traumatic situation.

I suppose that was his gift,

I didn't really know him like you guys.

Well, no-one truly knows another person,

Well, how could they? Unless, of course,

I know you Christmassed with him,

which was a verb I'd not heard before.

But, Jennie, I think you were telling me

Well, it's not something I was aware of,

and I'm sure there's no truth in this.

- Right, right. How sure?

Right, OK.

Or minicab controller saying

she's sure the taxi will be along

Because they're very different kinds

You know, perhaps it's time to take

Yeah, no, it's sometimes best

especially at a time of grief.

Well,

We will, we will.

And I was going to do a final eulogy,

In short, John Baskell was on telly,

good to friends, three marriages,

Apparently, we've got another 15 seconds.

Jennie, do you want to say something

Sam?

Playing with your nose...

Oh.

Goodnight.