Untitled Alan Partridge BBC Series (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Episode #2.4 - full transcript

This programme contains
adult humour.

60 seconds to titles. Oh, Howard.
A quick word. Yeah.

Last night I was at a fundraiser
for Help for Heroes,

as the plus one of Grant Shapps.

Shapps had had a row with his wife.
They'd agreed to go vegetarian for a

month, and she found a receipt from
Byron Burgers. OK.

I'll skip to the point.
At the event,

I met the private secretary

for Her Royal Highness,
the Princess Royal.

Princess Anne.
Precisely, Howard, precisely.

And I was left with the distinct
impression that...that...



Clearance on two. ..were we to make
overtures to Gatcombe House,

inviting Her Royal Highness
on to the show,

those overtures may very well be
looked upon favourably.

Do you want to leave it with me?

Absolutely, Howard. Just to say,
there was... Thank you, Paul.

..an initial hesitancy...
Quiet, please.

..about coming back to the Beeb,

after Emily Maitlis made
Prince Andrew get a bit muddled up,

but I was able to make assurances
that, at my hands,

the Princess Royal would receive
the softest possible soaping.

OK, leave it with me. Can you clear
the floor? First positions.

OK, also, I would say, from
your point of view, you will become

known as the producer who pulled
off the royal coup rather than

the producer of the TV show where
the lighting man fell to his death.



I'll leave it with you.

CALYPSO MUSIC PLAYS

Come on, get up.

APPLAUSE
Ah, fantastic.

How about that? How about that?

How about that?
How's about that?

Welcome to This Time, with Alan
Partridge and me, Jennie Gresham.

And hello, bonjour, hola, and
marhaba, because it's

an international show tonight,

taking in London, Norfolk, Egypt...
And the Caribbean,

thanks to the wonderful drummers
of Camden Steel International.

Uh, well, the calypso term actually
is "panmen" rather than drummers.

Oh, I didn't realise you were
a calypso music fan, Alan.

Uh, well, I wasn't
until I bumped into the band.

I was staying
overnight in Camden for fun,

and these guys were playing outside
the hotel and I initially

asked them to keep the noise down.
They refused, I threatened to

call the council,
they said, "Go on, then,"

so I began filming them on my
phone, and it was only when I

watched the footage back, that what
had initially seemed like

an unwelcome clang-clang-pang
had become

a rather warm-hearted,
diddily-pom-pang.

And the next day I approached the...

..the panman with the largest
haircut... Sorry, what's your name?

Brent. Brent. That's right,
yes, Brent. ..and I said,

"Brent, how would you like to come
on TV and play the tune Sun Splash,

"also known as the theme
from This Time?"

Yeah, and what is interesting is
that many steel pans are home-made,

aren't they? They're actually
fashioned from discarded oil drums.

Is that right?
That's correct, yeah.

But the drums had been discarded
when you acquired them?

That's correct, yeah.
Well, fine, yeah.

Uh, so, Simon,
are you a fan of calypso music?

No, no, but I did used to play
the triangle in a reggae band.

I used to, uh... You stand at
the back and ting? That's it.

You got it. Great, and then I'm sure
there'll be more good jokes from

Simon later on tonight's show.

All week, we've been asking you
to vote

for Britain's greatest war heroes.

The shortlist is Nelson,
Wellington, Montgomery

and "Bomber" Harris,

who literally wiped
Dresden off the map.

But what about the unsung
civilian heroes

who, in their own quietly courageous
way, did their bit for Blighty?

Well, to help us, I'm going
to wander over

to the digi-wall parade ground

to see if my own soldier will
pass muster.

Private Denton.
Reporting for duty, sir!

I think I just did a Nazi salute,
I'm so sorry.

It was only a small one. At least it
wasn't the, uh... Don't, don't...

Of course, you wouldn't be
reporting for duty anywhere

because of your genetic condition
which means you have brittle bones.

How do you know about that?

Well, when we had our checkup,
the doctor handed me

the medical records and said,
"Have you seen this?"

Anyway, tell us what happened...
Hang on, it doesn't affect me now.

It just means...
Sticks in your 60s. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. So, all day we have been
asking for stories of civilian

heroism by people who perhaps
haven't been honoured by the Queen.

BELL DINGS
Whoops. What was that?

Don't know, it must be interference.
A bit of radio ga ga.

BELL DINGS
Ga ga?

Sorry, I mean feedback.
I'm going slightly mad.

BELL DINGS
Still, the show must go on.

BELL DINGS
Samantha says her mum Florence

was only seven at the start
of the war,

but would sing music hall
songs outside

the Royal Ordnance Munitions Factory
to lift the spirits of the workers.

Ah. What a wonderful public spirit.
It's a kind of magic.

BELL DINGS
It is, Simon, and do you know,

they wouldn't let you do that now?

There's probably some EU regulation
that says kids can't sing or dance

near explosives. It's just red
tape. It is, and it's a pity because

that's the spirit that won us
the war. Well, we are the champions.

BELL DINGS
Any more? Hell, yeah, don't stop
me now.

Hang on, you're just doing Queen
songs. Yes, I am. I've been rumbled.

It's just a Twitter thing.

A Liverpool businessman said he'd
donate a kidney machine to

Alder Hey Children's Hospital if I
could sneak in a dozen Queen songs.

Mm, that might sound like a bit
of fun, but doing a charity appeal

on a war section would be
an editorial decision.

Just trying to help sick kids.
OK, because you identify with them.

Because of my biscuit bones.
ALAN LAUGHS

That is a good attitude, actually.

All right, let's do it.
How many have you got left?

Uh, we've named ten, so we've got to
get two more. Two more, two more.

Yeah. Uh, well, there's
a text about the Land Girls.

Fat Bottomed Girls.
BELL DINGS

I was trying to avoid that one.
It's not crude. Women have a higher

oestrogen level, which deposits fat
around the buttocks and thighs.

In fact, I met Brian May at
Jodrell Bank several years ago

and I said, "I have to
take my hat off to you, Mr May.

"Women are meant to have fatter
bottoms. It's an evolutionary trait"

"designed to attract a male, which
helps propagate the human race."

So in a very real sense,
fat-bottomed girls... Make the
rocking world go round. Precisely.

Yeah, there we go. What did he say?
Well, we've been friends ever since.
Just need one more.

Surely he'll give you
the kidney machine for 11 songs.

He won't, he really won't.
He says 12 songs or he won't budge.

OK, well, we'll get there.

Such a strange game to play.

Now, from Jacobeans snorting
tinctures of opium

to rent lads called Cecil smoking
spice in the doorway, Britain has

a longstanding drug problem,
but it needs to sort itself out!

But how?

And we're off.

JENNIE EXHALES, ALAN SIGHS

Oh, by the way, I was talking with
Grant Shapps, and some very...

I don't know what her problem is,
and she was meant to get up

and dance with me, with the steel
band. I felt like a right Charlie.

You look quite chuffed. Have you
finished another wordsearch book?

Better than that.
Not the big jigsaw?

What's been keeping you
awake at night?

Well, the owl... And?

Well, being unseated by
TV's golden couple, Jennie and Sam.

Yes, well, Jennie
and Sam have split up.

Get lost!

I overheard her PA in the corridor.

Lynn, I am now in a very,
very good mood!

Do you know what? Take Saturday
afternoon off.

I will. Thank you.

Actually, I will need you
back by four.

Right. Just make sure they
don't patch things up. Right.

ALAN SIGHS

How are you? What did he do?
What did he do?

Kiss your best friend?
Was it the chat lines?

No!

No, it's just all that
self-deprecating bollocks.

Oh, yeah.

He goes on about how
he doesn't deserve me

and then he says he can't invite me
to his Royal Society dinner

because I might be out of my depth.
Oh, Jennie.

You must know this,
his eyes were too thin.

They were.

I don't think you could have
startled the man if you tried.

It's just a lot of faux humility.

Etonians aren't modest, Jennie.

They are taught to emulate modesty
to empower themselves,

I wanted to tell you.
Oh, well, I know that now.

When did all this happen?

Just before he left for Egypt.

We're doing the live link with him
today. Yeah, I know, I know that.

It'll be fine. We've got to talk
to each other at some point,

haven't we? Do be careful, Jen.
I don't think Sam's a bad person,

but the most important person in
Sam Chatwin's life will always be -

say it with me, Jen... Sam Chatwin.
..Samuel Peregrine Tolomy Chatwin,

precisely.
And we're back in five, four...

SHE SIGHS

Your views there on how
the law should tackle drug use.

And a real mix, actually, from
compulsory door-to-door drug tests,

to school visits by Shane MacGowan.

Mm, and I particularly like the idea
of tackling drug use in schools

by disguising police officers
as undercover dinner ladies.

Yeah, good idea for a film.

Yeah, but I meant as a policy.

Now, when we opened our mail bag
to find a letter from Janet Dignan

complaining about our use of split
infinitives, we took it to the top.

We invited Janet to truly have
it out

with the BBC's director of
editorial standards

and promised to never again use
a split infinitive.

Jennie went along to
hopefully find out

if good grammar still matters
and to thereby put Janet's mind

at rest - happy to, in some
small way, help.

And we're off.
Split infinitives.

Walk your dog!

Someone's been going to the gym.

Oh, thank you for noticing.

I saw your trunks
drying on the radiator.

I notice everything, me.

That's the thing about us
make-up girls, we see it all.

I could do with
an extra pair of eyes.

Lynn's are going milky.

I could be your spy.
Miss Moneypenny.

Yes, although she's not a spy,
she's...she's M's secretary.

She had a gun in the last film.
In the books, she's M's secretary.

Well, I think me and you could make
a good team. We would.

We'd make a good TV duo.
The best, the best duo since...

Mulder and Scully.
Yeah, or Sapphire and Steel.

Powder and comb? Who?

Oh, no, powder and comb!
Oh, God!

SHE LAUGHS

Although it does sound
like a detective duo, doesn't it?

SHE LAUGHS

That's quite a long laugh.

Yeah, it sounds like something
that could be on ITV.

Yeah, it really could, actually.
Powder and Comb.

Nigel Havers is DCI Powder, and a
feisty Anna Friel as DS Beth Comb.

SHE LAUGHS

He'd be powdering the scene
for fingerprints and she'd be

combing the area for clues.
There's that long laugh again.

Yeah, but it's funny, isn't it?
But it's also a good idea as well.

Actually, I've got... I need to
write this down. Can I borrow this

pen? Oh, it's eyeliner. ITV will
love this. ITV...

You can keep that. Cheers.
Clear the floor.

There you go. Oh, no, that's mine.

Back on in five, four...

Time for a change of mood, as we go
from heart-warming

to health warning.

Each week this month, we've been
showing a series of films

exploring the dark
underbelly of British life.

A new direction for which
we make no apology.

In last week's offering,
Jennie confronted the owner

of an unlicensed market stall and
shouted questions as he ran away.

Next week, the series continues with
a powerful report from Alan

on bare-knuckle boxing among
the Irish travelling community.

I'm just getting that subtitled.

Right now, though, Alan
reports on a very different pastime.

We all have different ways to
let our hair down. I like my tennis.

Yes, I like to go to a ceilidh
and really throw myself around.

After a few pints of Guinness.

If I feel I've danced well,
I will allow myself

a glass of Guinness, yeah,
once I've cooled down.

But for some, R&R can take an
altogether more dangerous form.

As Alan now reports,

there's a growing trend among
the gay community for chemsex -

the use of drugs to prolong and
enhance group sexual activity.

The following report contains images
that some viewers

will find disturbing.

Basically, if you've got traditional
views on intimacy,

you might want to pop the kettle
on, yeah.

London's West End. For a young guy
new to the scene,

it's a place of dizzying delights.

MUSIC: Yes Sir, I Can Boogie
by Baccara

But slow down the footage
and add some reverb,

and its sinister side quickly
becomes apparent,

for it's here amidst the swanky
flats, glitzy nightclubs

and trendy hotels that chemsex has
reached epidemic proportions.

Imagine two things you enjoy -
great individually,

but put them together
and you get something quite special.

Strawberries and cream.

Egg and bacon.

Yawning and scratching.

Johnson & Johnson.

Charles and Camilla.

But what about drugs and sex?

This...

..is chemsex!

Chemsex is a compound word - chem
derived from the word "chemical",

and sex from the word "sex"
or "sexiness".

Confined largely to
the gay community,

it emerged around the year 2010.

Partridge, you wanker!

A time of unrestrained glee as a
nation dared to believe

the nightmare of a Labour government
could soon be over. And as revellers

lost their minds to the sound
of Keane and the Black-Eyed Beans,

little wonder that the hedonism
spilled over into sex and drugs.

The primary drugs involved
in chemsex are crystal meth,

GHB, ketamine and mephedrone -

a dose of which, under
controlled conditions,

I was about to take myself,

under the watchful eye of
pharmacist Dr Raj Prasan.

Now, do you say M-Cat or
Meow-Meow?

I say mephedrone, its
chemical name. Right.

I like to say Meow-Meow.

You're going to administer this drug
under controlled circumstances,

and then I'm going to
gauge its effects.

You're going to play guinea pig.
Right.

That's, uh...
That wasn't explained to me.

Uh... I've never played that.

I mean, in terms of
the experiment... Oh, right!

Sorry, I... I... Yeah, I thought
it was some sort of gay sex game.

Mind you, I'm not sure a man can
squeal like a guinea pig, can he?

I'm just a pharmacist.

Right, yeah, cos you're
the chem of the chemsex, yeah.

Sort of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
You're the...

You're the Doctor Chem and, uh,
Mr Sex we've yet to meet.

I'm just a pharmacist.
You said that, you said that.

So, give us the drugs.

Well, it's 30 minutes later and
I don't feel especially different.

Certainly, the thought of grinding
myself against a stranger

in a Holiday Inn is
far from my thoughts.

Yeah.

Well, it's over an hour later.

I've been told that one
eyelid has drooped.

I don't feel that much different.
Am I in the mood for dancing?

Absolutely.

Do I feel sexy?

Barely. Although I do have
the sensation of wanting

someone else to brush my hair.

It's said the experiment
replicates exactly

the sensation of
recreational drug use.

Although, instead of being
surrounded by revellers chewing gum

and asking if you're having a
good time, my only companion was

a bearded doctor drinking coffee
and reading a magazine.

Well, the effects have completely
worn off. My main recollection

is an overwhelming desire to put on
my comfy pyjamas and watch Tarzan.

Is that sexy?

I've no idea.

But it was a very new feeling
and it was a very real feeling.

But what is a chemsex party
actually like?

I made discrete enquiries at several
Norwich pubs

and the comments section of
a local newspaper,

and was soon invited to a party
in a suburban area

I won't name in order
to protect house prices.

INDISTINCT CHATTER

But when I got there,
the revellers were wary.

Evening.

Whether or not that was
because I introduced myself

with the words, "BBC Television.
Who here likes chemsex?",

I don't know, but it took some
time before I got any of them

to open up, verbally.

So, guys, talk me through this.

You gather at a
modern suburban semi,

you take your drugs

and then it's kecks off
and away you go?

Well, yeah. Normally it lasts
all weekend,

till Monday night sometimes.

Crikey, Bob! Three days straight?!

I mean, surely it gets to halfway
through the Monday

and you think, "I just want to put
on some toast."

Yeah, but by this stage
you've just been...

I then bumped into a man I'd once
canaped with

at a local radio fundraiser.

Holistic Media, summer drinks party,
about a couple of years ago? Mm.

Didn't know you're into chemsex.

Yeah. Cathedral FM?

Cathedral Digital.

Why did I think you were
an analogue?

Uh, well, we're trying to
get an FM licence. Ah.

Cos our listeners skew older,
you know,

it broadens your listener base.
Yeah.

It broadens your listener base
overnight. Fine if Ofcom give you

the green light. Oh, mate, do
not talk to me about Ofcom!

Uh-oh! So, you know they extended
FM licences? To 2032.

Yeah, but what they don't tell you
is all the hoops you have to

jump through. Six hours of
locally made programmes a day.

I thought it was three hours.
Mn-mn.

That's only if you broadcast
local news on the hour.

We only do peak times. Ah, breakfast
and drive. Yeah, exactly.

So we've gone for the...

And then it hit me - the demise of
men's social groups,

from the Rotary Club to
trade unions,

to the Duke of Edinburgh
Award Scheme and Round Table,

has left men yearning
for male contact.

Drugged-up heavy petting is one way
to go. Another is a quick pint

and a chat about local radio,
which is what we did.

Pop your shirt on,
I'll be in the car.

Are you parked at the bottom of
the lane? No, on the road,

under a street lamp.
I don't dog.

So, yeah, on a clear day, I think
you can... It's a 25-mile view.

I enjoyed going for a pint
with Clive

and chatting about local radio.

Regrettably, Clive's chattiness was
a result of him consuming

his entire stash of Meow-Meow, and
he refused to let me go home

until it had worn off.

And although we won't be keeping
in touch, I hope it helped him

look at chemsex a little differently
and go back to his wife.

..cos it's not far from the M25,
so you've got that all going on...

Well, a window into a world I'm sure
many of us had little idea existed.

Yes, it's really quite shocking,
and I don't mean that

in a finger-wagging sort of way.

Some of these young men can be
aroused for eight hours straight.

Well, that's the equivalent of
driving from London to Aberdeen

with a permanent erection,
and it's...it's not

going to incur you penalty points,
but it's...

..it's just a vulgar way to drive.

If you're struggling with any of
the issues tackled in Alan's report,

see our website for a list of
organisations you can talk to.

And if you must chemsex,
chemsex safe.

Use one of these.

It's a thick condom.

And Simon has more of your stories
of wartime heroism.

I've got a couple of, uh,
tweets have come in.

One from Ella Blissett, who
nominates her grandfather, Arthur.

She says, "During the war,
he secretly sheltered a dozen

"Jewish women in the basement of his
house in Putney." Incredible.

In Putney? And a Tweet says, "While
it's right to recognise heroism..."

In a basement?! "..if you give them
all a badge..."

Yes, "If you give them all a badge,

"your honours system will
become devalued."

Oh. That is a fair point, actually.

I remember when they gave a
Blue Peter badge to a dog,

I sent mine back. Oh, you had
a Blue Peter badge, did you?

I did. I was a very
proud 13-year-old.

What did you get it for?
A bring-and-buy sale?

No, no, I restored
a Victorian folly, actually.

Um, I got permission to use
20 young offenders

for the more menial aspects of the
job. Two of them absconded but were

successfully re-apprehended and
stripped of their visiting rights.

How old were they?

13. We were all 13.

Now, ask 100 middle-aged men how
they wouldn't want to spend

an evening, and inevitably
the top three answers would be

"at the theatre", "with my wife",
and "in therapy".

But an evening with our next guest
not only combines all three, but

can point to dozens of men and women
who are happier for the experience.

We are talking about drama therapy.

Therapy? Drama?

Well, to tell us more, we're joined
by actor and therapist, Izzy Barns.

Izzy, welcome. Thank you so much.
It's a pleasure to be with you.

Can I just say - what a wonderful
voice! Thank you.

As actors, we learn to be centred
and to breathe from our diaphragms.

Mm, and that's true of politicians,
too, of course.

Yes, Margaret Thatcher famously
had a voice coach, um,

after which her voice
became a lot deeper.

Yeah, she did. Lady Thatcher,
I think, went from sounding

like the kind of woman who wouldn't
let you have your ball back,

to sounding like a sort of a, "Ooh!"

Like the backdraught from a furnace.

I actually think it's
quite attractive

when women have deeper voices,
don't you?

It is. Well, I know for a fact
Jacob Rees-Mogg had a poster

of Lady Thatcher on his
bedroom wall.

Sorry, ceiling.

So, drama therapy, it's therapy that
uses role play to help people

work through difficult or
challenging situations.

Well, like therapy, good drama
encourages us to look inside.

Mm. It helps us to understand
our own behaviour

and deal with emotional issues.

In fact, Simon was telling me
earlier that Aristotle coined

the term "catharsis" to describe the
healing we experience through drama.

Hubris, nemesis, catharsis.

It's all Greek to me!

I thought I'd do the joke this time,

seeing as Simon was being
a bit serious.

But what kind of problems does drama
therapy help to confront?

It's very versatile. Marital strife,
workplace disagreements,

psychological trauma. Drama therapy
is not always easy. It can be very

challenging and sometimes tearful,
but it should always feel welcoming.

I think you just described
the pub quiz I go to.

JENNIE LAUGHS
You see, you should be saying this.

Catharsis! Now, I believe we're
going to see some drama therapy

in action. That's right, Jennie.
Over here, we have two actors...

Mm-hm. ..Daniel and Louise,
and in a typical therapy situation,

they would play out scenarios
that couples can try themselves.

Right. Um, now, in this scenario,

Louise thinks that Daniel is
emotionally closed off,

but Daniel feels that as he's
getting older,

he does need more space.

Guys?

And you wonder why
we never resolve anything.

It's because we argue and then,
five minutes later, you get upset

and I have to back down.

No-one's saying you have to.

But that's what happens
when you play that card.

It's not a card, Daniel.
It's how I feel.

Just because you're a closed book
doesn't mean I have to be.

What am I supposed to say to that?

You should tell her that... Sorry,
that's... No, no, no, that's fine.

Do you want to jump in?
Oh, me? God, no.

Yeah, no, please do,
step in for Daniel.

No, it's just, I've not acted
for quite a while.

Oh, I'm sorry,
I hadn't realised you acted.

Oh, uh, yeah, I mean, just
with North Norfolk Players,

a bit of acting,
producing, directing.

Most recently, A Few Good Men,
so, yeah.

Oh, amazing, what part did you play?
The Jack Nicholson role, so, yeah.

Ooh! Yeah. A bit of a tough act
to follow, but, uh,

I just tried to do it sort of,
you know, like...like...

"The truth?! You can't handle
the truth!"

HE SCOFFS

Yeah, so I sort of went higher,
then I did the scoff at the end,

which I don't think Nicholson
thought of, so...

Well, how would you feel
about having a go at this scene?

Uh, yeah, sure. Why not?

Oh, great. OK, um, Daniel,
you step out.

Louise, you're in the kitchen,
you're making dinner.

And, Alan, just start a conversation
when you're ready. OK.

Don't overthink it.
OK, yeah, right.

Mm, smells good.

It's just spag bol.

I didn't mean the dinner.

Well, you never normally
come in till it's cold.

HE SIGHS

Look, I'm sorry to go on.
I just don't want you to feel

like I'm complaining because
I want to spend time with you.

AMERICAN ACCENT: Hey, baby girl,
just been out on my bike.

My motorcycling's important to me,
you know that.

But you know the best
part of the journey?

HE EXHALES

Riding that steel horse
back home to you.

Try it without the accent.
Me or her? You.

OK, but the general direction...?

Forget all that. Both of you sit
at the table. OK.

Now, let's just pretend that
she's your actual wife.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Look, I wish I could spend
more time with you.

See, I hear you saying that,
but I don't feel it.

Then we'll figure something out,

but you're going to have to stop
going on at me.

I'm sorry if I've got a gift
that people enjoy

and I find very satisfying. I'm
sorry that you don't have that

because, for some reason, God didn't
give you any talent.

Shall we stop there?
Yeah, that felt good.

Well, that's all we have time for.

Plenty of food for thought there.

Izzy, Daniel and Louise -
thank you so much for joining us.

Now, when we think of archaeology,
we picture mud, drizzle

and bearded men getting
excited about a broken cup,

but once upon a time,
archaeology wasn't boring.

Next year marks 100 years

since the discovery of Tutankhamun's
burial chamber, and to celebrate,

the BBC is to recreate
Howard Carter's quest

to find the lost tomb.

In a moment we'll talk to the show's
presenter, Sam Chatwin.

But first, our 60-second
lowdown on Howard Carter

and the search for King Tut.

And we're off.

I'd forgotten about that.

Good news from Norwich. Go on.

Greville Marchant has just got
done by the Inland Revenue.

Your anonymous phone call?
It worked. Well done, Lynn.

I am sorry about you and Sam.

Well, I'm sure it's for the best.

That's the spirit.
You're not a fan, then?

Oh, well it's not my place to say.

No, I'd be interested to know
what you...

I thought he was a bighead. Cocky.

Smarmy.

Slippery.

Yeah, well, you think you
know someone...

I wouldn't worry. One day someone
will wipe the smile off his face.

And his eyes are too thin.

Lynn doesn't pull any punches,
does she?

Oh, no, no. Do you know,
she once saw a pheasant

limping by the side of the road,
got out the car, wrung its neck,

made the sign of the cross,
chucked it in the boot, got back in.

The whole thing was over in less
than ten seconds.

Clear the floor.

Didn't have much of a limp,
to be honest.

Can we get the link to Sam Chatwin?

Now, listen, I've got this,
right? You sit it out.

No, I should do it, it's fine.

It's just a normal guest
with a show to plug.

All right, but don't let him get
in here. Mm-hm.

Yeah, that's a no-go area, because
I know what his type are like.

He'll end up saying your love
is like Egyptian gold,

to try and win you back. And we're
back on... Yeah, it'll be fine.

..in five, four...

Welcome back, and as promised we're
now joined by a man

that needs no introduction,
Sam Chatwin.

Hello, Alan. Hi, Jennie.

How are you?

How does it feel to follow
in the footsteps

of such a revered figure as Carter?

Jen, if I'm honest,
it's truly humbling.

Can't imagine you humbled.

ALAN CHUCKLES

Well, people can change.

What about leopards?
ALAN CHUCKLES

Pardon?
ALAN CHUCKLES

Uh, now, the Valley of the Kings is
an area of several thousand

square metres, so for Howard Carter,
finding Tutankhamun

was a needle in a haystack.

Yeah, but find him he did.

He was patient and he didn't give
up, Jennie. Nyeh.

You know, he sorely tested
the patience of his benefactor,

Lord Carnarvon, but Carnarvon
gave him one last chance.

Ha!

Sorry, what was that? Ha!

Mm.

So, uh, yes, Carter had setbacks
but he wouldn't be deterred.

"Give me one last summer,"
he said to Carnarvon.

"One last summer, please."

Carnarvon gave him that chance,
and a couple of weeks later

Carter stumbled across the tomb
of Tutankhamun.

He cracked open the plaster, held up
a candle and said,

"All I see are wonderful things."

All had seemed lost, but there
he was, gazing upon treasures

and riches he never could have
dreamed of.

Something that applies to every
one of us, Jennie.

Wow, that's bollocks.

And Valley of the Kings will be

coming to BBC One in the spring.

A very sweaty Sam Chatwin there.
I don't know if that was

because he was in Egypt or for some
reason he was under pressure.

BELL DINGS
Oh, that's a Queen song!

Under Pressure.
It is! That's 12!

APPLAUSE
Goodnight.

Goodnight.