United States of Tara (2009–2011): Season 1, Episode 7 - Alterations - full transcript
Charmaine finally decides to get corrective surgery on her breasts and asks Tara to be her 'boob buddy' and take care of her at home while she's recovering. Unfortunately for her, it's not Tara who shows up at the clinic to collect her but Buck. They surprisingly develop a rapport of sorts. With Tara away for a couple of days, Max decides to speak to an old high school friend of Tara's, named Heidi, to see if he can figure out what might have happened to her to cause her alter personality disorder. He gets a lead on something that may have happened to her. Elsewhere, Marshall feels that Jason has been ignoring him at school and decides to follow Kate's advice and play hard-to-get by ignoring him right back. It seems to be work.
The minute they walk in here
I just get
Ach! Ach! Ach!
I really don't want
to transition.
Hell houses.
They're like haunted houses
Except they're run
by a church.
I think you're joining
the god squad
In order to get closer
to jason.
[Laughing]
Look, we knew when
you went off the meds
The whole gang would
resurface.
I can't begin to understand
why you need them
Unless we let them
show themselves.
A boarding school
she had sex with a guy
She didn't want
to have sex with.
Tara's roommate's name
was heidi sawyer.
does that help?
Yeah, yeah, you bet.
I want a big house
And I want a great
fuckin' boyfriend.
and I am never gonna
fucking have those things
Because my idiot ex-husband
Made me get a boob job
and now I'm stuck
With these!
Write her a check.
Mom!
Tara?
[Gasps]
[Dribbling]
what the fuck?
I wet the fuckin' bed.
Well, I made it.
[Contemplative music]
* *
* Open up the sky *
* This mess is getting high *
* It's windy,
and our family needs a ride *
* *
* I know we'll be just fine *
* When we learn to love
the ride *
* *
* I know we'll be fine *
* When we learn to love
the ride *
* *
* I know we'll be
just fine *
* When we learn to love *
* The ride *
(Tara)
a lot of people just want
To be rescued from themselves.
They wish they could be
airlifted from their skin
And dropped into someone else's.
[Sighs]
[Exhales]
Me?
Just wish I could stay
the same for a whole week.
But then ironically
I'd be a whole different person.
See you next time.
Thank you.
I'm sorry to just show up
like this,
But things are getting
very hairy at home.
You wouldn't return my calls
And I need to talk to you.
Max, as your wife's therapist,
There are boundaries
I have to observe.
I can't advise you.
Now if tara wants
to come in--
Please, I--I--
I think I saw something.
A new alter.
Completely new personality?
Tara's parents
were visiting us last week
And it was a...
World of shit as usual.
Whatever.
And I saw something,
in the middle of the night.
It wasn't tara.
Was like this--
What was it?
It's like a weird poncho
goblin or something.
Poncho goblin.
it wasn't her.
It's like an animal.
It did stuff
an animal would do.
Max, I've--
I've really been educating
myself about this stuff lately.
Lately?
I--I shouldn't be speaking
to you at all about...
It's very common
for there to be
A child-like
or nocturnal alter.
I think this being
has manifested itself
Because of tara's lifetime
of secrets.
She's looking for answers
about her youth.
Maybe whimsical nighttime play
Helps her discover
those answers.
This wasn't whimsical.
Tinkerbell's whimsical.
This little fucker
pisses on people.
Tell you what.
Wait till tara's next session.
You come with her
And we'll talk together
about the memories
That have triggered
all this.
[Sighs]
You think that'll work?
I think having a professional
And a loved one working
in tandem
Can be very productive.
Okay.
I trust you.
Thank you.
Okay, I've got my prescriptions
filled,
A big pillow,
A sports bra
in my new size,
Four dvd's starring
kate hudson,
Soft bland foods in case
The anesthesia makes me pukey,
and--oh, hey.
Did you remember to get
Those pudding snacks
that I like?
I did but kate ate
all the vanilla ones.
Okay, well someday when katy
gets her tits done
I will get my revenge.
Ha.
My child will never be
that insecure.
Um, tara, I chose you
To be my post-surgery
booby buddy
Because I thought
you'd be supportive.
[Clears throat]
You of all people
Should know what it's like
to be judged.
I do.
I do.
I just think you're beautiful
the way you are
And you don't need
to change.
Just--
I'm gonna take
great care of you.
You're gonna wake up
in that operating room
On a fluffy vicodin cloud.
And I'm gonna take you home
And tuck you in and put
on you, me, and dupree.
Okay.
Could almost be fun,
Except you'll have
a drainage tube in your chest
And moderate to spectacular
bruising.
Do you think dr. Pete
can fix me?
I'm weary of anyone
who calls himself "dr. Pete."
Come on, tara.
Reassure me.
It's gonna be fine.
Just three little incisions
And everything will be fine.
[Nervous laugh]
Come here.
So we're just committing
random acts of violence?
Yeah, that's the main objective.
Mug the prostitute.
It's really funny.
[On tv]
ugh! Ah!
[Unintelligible]
You're right.
That's quite a delight.
[grunting on tv]
So, uh...can I ask you
for some advice
On something weird?
Seriously?
You want advice from moi?
Your shallow big sister
Whom you've mocked
and belittled?
That's rich.
Forget it.
Come on.
Proceed.
Jason is ignoring me.
Ignore him back.
See, I'm surprised
you'd say that.
I--I thought you'd tell me
to, like, pursue him boldly.
No.
I mean some people
can be that, moosh.
Like people like me.
But you have to play it cool.
Besides, the odds aren't really
in your favor
Because we don't even know
if jason's a homo.
I mean I think he's a homo
Because he has a bad case
of gay face.
But even I can't know for sure.
I mean, I see him
at hell house rehearsals.
But we're just so busy
Inhabiting our characters
and doing body work.
I just never get a good excuse
to talk to him.
Well, that's good.
That's great.
You have a mystique.
Don't talk to him.
Don't look at him.
Have you ever seen that movie
boomerang?
Gotta play the player.
I didn't see that film.
Anyway, I just couldn't
see myself
Being so insincere.
Just feels so fake
and manipulative.
Yeah.
[Sirens and grunting on tv]
I think you're the player.
No doubt.
I'm a baller, dude.
[Soft rock on radio]
* *
Hey, what are you doing
to the alphabets?
Ugh.
Well our son has a crush
And our daughter just filled out
her first w-2.
I think we're officially out
of alphabet territory.
Yeah, they're not our babies
anymore.
You have any fun memories
from that age?
I barely remember anything.
You know that.
Oh, hey, are you gonna drive
charmaine to dr. Pete's?
I gotta help kate
with her jackson pollock essay.
Yeah, yeah.
I'll pick her up after.
Are you telling me
you never snuck out of your dorm
To go see a boy
or something like that?
What are you driving at?
Nothing.
Just wanted to find out...
What made you.
What made me what?
A freak?
No.
[scraping]
I'm not your home improvement
project, max.
Forget it.
I'll get charmaine.
[Sighs]
Thank you.
[chatter on radio]
[Sniffs]
Tell tara to come get me
As soon as the clinic calls.
They said I could go home
45 minutes after I wake up.
Of course.
She's gonna stay with me
all night, right?
That's the plan.
So you get the whole place
to yourself.
Guys' night out.
Whoo hoo.
Whoo.
Actually...
I'm gonna go meet
tara's old roommate heidi.
What?
Tall heidi?
Turns out st. Ann's
has quite an alumni association.
There's only 14 heidis
since '89.
I don't know why
you do this to yourself.
It's crazy.
'Cause I want to find out
what happened to my wife.
What caused this disorder.
It's not a disorder.
It's a weakness.
All right, she does it
to herself.
You know that.
Look, they're characters
she plays
to--
You know,
you're a shitty sister.
You know that?
she always sticks up for you.
I speak the truth
because I care about her.
I am the best sister
in the world.
now if you'll excuse me,
I have to go have major surgery.
Elective surgery.
Major.
Majorly elective.
Major.
Hey, marshall.
Oh, hey.
What's up?
Oh, you know,
this and that.
Hey, uh, sorry I haven't,
You know, called you
or been able to hang out.
Just been so busy.
You know how it is.
Yeah, sure.
I know.
Have fun doing that.
Hey, you want to come
hang out with us?
We're doing paper mache.
It's french.
Enjoy yourselves.
[distant chatter on intercom]
well...
Look who's up.
Where's dr. Pete?
Dr. Pete's updating
his video blog,
But he wanted me to tell you
Your girls look gorgeous.
Mm.
you've been napping
on and off.
you're pretty much ready
to go.
we called your support person.
Oh, she's here?
Yes, the person is here.
[retching]
Nausea is common
in recovering patients.
Fine by me.
Long as it ain't coming
out the other end.
That's not my booby buddy.
Don't worry, babe.
I'll drive real safe
So you don't hurt
your new fun bags.
This isn't happening.
Tara, stop.
Call me buck.
Or I'm gonna leave you here
with the mummy's revenge.
This is so like you.
Is everything all right?
Hey.
I got it all under control,
sugar.
[Nervous laugh]
[Sobbing]
Ow.
[Slap]
Whoo hoo!
[Door shuts]
Ouch!
Careful.
Sorry, ma'am.
What the fuck
is elective surgery anyhow?
You wanna be sliced open
by a russki?
It's corrective surgery.
My first boob job came out
Looking like those googly eyes
You get in arts and crafts
at camp.
You know that.
Hey, you like mixed martial
arts?
No, I like romantic comedies
With women who fall down a lot.
Huh, these guys fall down
a lot.
Hell, they eat shit
every few minutes.
[Muffled scream]
[Huffs]
No cryin'.
Tara, I'm a fucking mess.
Okay, I feel like there
is an elephant
Sitting on my chest
and I am on drugs.
Please don't do this.
Okay, just stop.
I ain't tara.
You're lucky I'm here.
I was meant to go
to league night.
Now I gotta stay at home
on account
Of your womanly vanity.
Look at me.
I got my ass blown up
at con thien.
You don't see me bitchin'.
Tara, you didn't go
to vietnam.
You're a 35-year-old woman.
You've got two kids.
You lost your tonsils in '76
and that's it.
"Oxycodone."
This is hillbilly heroin.
It's for pain.
I got pain.
Ow.
Um, like I said,
I need to ask you
some stuff.
And, um, it's--
I mean,
it's kind of weird.
I just have this feeling
that, um,
Something...
Happened to tara
when you two went to school.
Are you, like--are you--
Are you divorcing her
or something?
You're trying to get dirt.
Is this a custody thing?
No, no, no, no, no.
No, nothing like that.
Not a custody thing.
Um, I--
It's a long story
and it's complicated,
But I'm--I'm just doing this
because I love her.
Tara and I had a falling out
During our second year
of school.
anyway, I finally--
I get a boyfriend.
He's my first one.
And his name is trip.
And he's--
he's very outdoorsy.
He's really into windsurfing.
He's very weathered and,
you know, kind of melanoma sexy.
Right, okay.
right.
So one morning, uh,
Tara comes back
to the room
And she's all messed up.
Messed up how?
She looked like she had been
knocked around.
and I asked her what happened
and she said that
she didn't know.
I didn't--also--
I didn't--I didn't ask her
only really ask her
'cause that kind of shit
happened
at st. Ann's all the time.
it was the late '80s.
you know, mosh pits
and everything.
Yeah, but the night
that she was attacked.
so then I find out
From some girls around school
That she had slept
with trip that night.
Your trip?
yeah.
and I was pissed.
And then I confronted him
and he denied it.
And...
And tara and I never spoke
again.
and I didn't really know
what had happened.
But I've thought about it
over the years
And I just--
I think it's fishy.
Yeah, it's very fishy.
I think he lied and I think
he did do something to her.
Uh, what's trip's last name?
Can I have his last name?
You have a pen or...
His name is trip johansen
[on tv]
go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
and a left kick
to the body.
I peeked under the bandages.
See anything you like?
I think it's gonna be nice.
Once the weeping stops.
You're a nice-lookin' woman.
I bet that commie doctor
fixed you up good.
Could that go off?
Depends how much more
you talk.
Ha ha.
If I talk about the kids,
Will that change you back?
Back to what?
I hear marshall has a crush
on a boy at school.
Probably another creampuff.
They're runnin' rampant
these days.
How can you talk that way
about your son?
Marshall ain't my son,
thank god.
If I had a son,
he'd be a grade-a pussy hound.
You got him!
take the fucker down!
Ah, shit.
Maybe he's just struggling
with his identity.
I still don't know
who I am.
I fucking got fired
from vita-self.
Sure got fucked over
With that whole
restraining order thing.
Right?
We don't even know
who defaced
That ridiculous mural.
I mean, obviously tara did.
I mean you...
did.
I mean...
Are you tara?
What do you think?
I don't know anymore.
That lady's got problems.
The rest of us just gotta
hold it down
As long as we can.
I really hate her.
Sometimes.
I don't understand women.
[Blows]
Always fightin'.
Must be because
of your monthly bill.
It's a sister thing.
You wouldn't understand.
[Blows]
I mean, my whole life
Tara's been more loved
by everyone.
I mean,
our parents obviously.
She always attracts
good guys.
They weren't all good.
Max is great.
I've never been with
anyone great.
just guys who work in bars
And have huge gross arms.
Guys whose names
are action verbs.
[Laughs]
hey, it's like me.
Buckin' bronco!
He he hoo!
Good for you.
I feel like shit.
My hair's a mess.
Can you help me?
Just stop cryin', okay?
[Sighs]
"Trip...
"Trip johansen."
Thanks for this.
I'm not supposed to lift my arms
until day three.
Yep.
Think you could take me
to the gun range some time?
Sure.
Just gotta watch out
for the kick back.
Don't want to bust a titty.
I think I'd look good
with a gun.
Most women do.
Oh, be sure and condition
the ends.
You know, tara used to wash
my hair
When we were kids.
[Laughs]
One time we were playing
beauty salon
Outside with the hose
and we got in trouble
because the shampoo killed
mom's geraniums.
And--
buck?
Charmaine?
You--oh, god.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, tara, you're back.
[Coughing]
yeah.
[Retching]
I'm sorry.
Cigarettes make me sick.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Take your time.
[Coughs]
[Spits]
Who drove you home?
Buck did.
Oh, no.
Was he horrible?
No.
He was a pretty good
booby buddy.
[Jazz music playing]
* *
[Phone buzzes]
Hello.
Oh, hey.
[Sighs]
There is absolutely nothing
healthy in this bag.
Good.
I need lots of bad carbs
To soak up all this
prescription dope.
How do you feel?
Mm, like someone shoved
saltwater bags
Under my pec muscles.
But my hair looks amazing.
[Laughs]
Buck should open a salon.
Yeah, he could call it
hair trigger.
Funny.
[Laughs]
Not really.
So wait, what's the story
with jason?
Did you talk to him?
Shh! He goes to school here,
you know?
Along with 4,000
other assholes
Who happen to live
in the district.
So what happened?
Pretty much blew him off
at sets.
Like you said.
I was both cold
and aloof.
And how'd that work out?
He called me last night.
No shit!
Yeah, he had--
He had a question about
mccabe and mrs. Miller.
But I think he was lying
because, I mean,
Since when does he even care
about altman anyway?
He doesn't.
I was right.
Yeah.
I don't know.
Just feels so phony.
I mean, why do people have
to hide their feelings
To seem more attractive?
Because people only chase
Whatever it is that
they can't have.
It's basic boy science.
There's actually
this old book on it
Called the rules.
Aunt charmaine has it
on her toilet.
[Bell rings]
So I basically just have
to keep pretending
That I don't like him?
I mean, you could even act
Like you actively dislike him
And that'd probably work okay.
I don't get it.
It's all about maturity,
moosh.
Like, you know that stuff
they teach you in kindergarten
About being yourself?
It's bullshit.
Don't ever be yourself.
It's the kiss of death.
[Door shuts]
you're back!
I had to take care of her
all day.
Didn't even get to shower.
You are a great breast friend.
Booby buddy.
[Grumbles]
[Sniffs]
Mm, I smell gun oil
and lucky strikes.
Mm, guess why.
Hi, mommy.
Hi, sweetheart.
Why are you wearing that?
Oh, I forgot to bring
a change of clothes
And had to borrow something
from charmaine.
Where does she shop,
forever 36?
[Laughs]
So what did you guys do
last night?
Had this place to yourselves.
Kind of fun, right?
Oh, I went out
with the girls.
We saw this movie.
It was the dumbest movie
of all time, mom.
It is so stupid.
I cannot wait
to go see it again
so I can hate it even more.
I worked on sets
at the hell house.
We're coming really close
to a realistic underworld look.
Plus I created
this faux finish
That looks exactly like
scabbed flesh.
Ew, cool.
Huh.
How about you?
I, uh, hit the gym with neil
And we had a couple beers.
Sounds nice
and counterproductive.
How's charmaniac?
Mm, she's great.
Her swelling's already
going down.
And I think when she heals,
They're both gonna point
in the same direction.
Ugh, mom, can we please
not talk
About charmaine's body?
Sorry.
(max)
well, we missed you.
Wanna try some of marshall's
skirt steak
With truffle salt, right?
Some mushrooms he's never even
heard of.
I would love nothing more.
Just gonna take a shower.
Back in a minute.
Yeah, 'cause you smell
like smoke.
So do you.
Hmm, busted.
(Tara)
change can be good
for the soul,
I guess.
Sometimes it's long overdue.
Aw.
Boosh.
In my case,
[Scoffs]
It's just a pain
in the ass.
I've never lied to the kids
about a transition before.
I just...
Don't want to put them
through any stress right now.
I told max though.
I know he'd never keep anything
from me.
[Camera beeps off]
Hey.
Hey.
[Clears throat]
I feel tired all the time.
I even wake up feeling
worn out.
You been having strange dreams?
No.
Why?
Am I talking in my sleep?
Hmm, not talking.
Hmm.
Did you just scoot away
from me?
No.
What's going on?
Nothing.
I love you.
Come here.
[Kiss]
[Haunting ragtime music]
* *
I just get
Ach! Ach! Ach!
I really don't want
to transition.
Hell houses.
They're like haunted houses
Except they're run
by a church.
I think you're joining
the god squad
In order to get closer
to jason.
[Laughing]
Look, we knew when
you went off the meds
The whole gang would
resurface.
I can't begin to understand
why you need them
Unless we let them
show themselves.
A boarding school
she had sex with a guy
She didn't want
to have sex with.
Tara's roommate's name
was heidi sawyer.
does that help?
Yeah, yeah, you bet.
I want a big house
And I want a great
fuckin' boyfriend.
and I am never gonna
fucking have those things
Because my idiot ex-husband
Made me get a boob job
and now I'm stuck
With these!
Write her a check.
Mom!
Tara?
[Gasps]
[Dribbling]
what the fuck?
I wet the fuckin' bed.
Well, I made it.
[Contemplative music]
* *
* Open up the sky *
* This mess is getting high *
* It's windy,
and our family needs a ride *
* *
* I know we'll be just fine *
* When we learn to love
the ride *
* *
* I know we'll be fine *
* When we learn to love
the ride *
* *
* I know we'll be
just fine *
* When we learn to love *
* The ride *
(Tara)
a lot of people just want
To be rescued from themselves.
They wish they could be
airlifted from their skin
And dropped into someone else's.
[Sighs]
[Exhales]
Me?
Just wish I could stay
the same for a whole week.
But then ironically
I'd be a whole different person.
See you next time.
Thank you.
I'm sorry to just show up
like this,
But things are getting
very hairy at home.
You wouldn't return my calls
And I need to talk to you.
Max, as your wife's therapist,
There are boundaries
I have to observe.
I can't advise you.
Now if tara wants
to come in--
Please, I--I--
I think I saw something.
A new alter.
Completely new personality?
Tara's parents
were visiting us last week
And it was a...
World of shit as usual.
Whatever.
And I saw something,
in the middle of the night.
It wasn't tara.
Was like this--
What was it?
It's like a weird poncho
goblin or something.
Poncho goblin.
it wasn't her.
It's like an animal.
It did stuff
an animal would do.
Max, I've--
I've really been educating
myself about this stuff lately.
Lately?
I--I shouldn't be speaking
to you at all about...
It's very common
for there to be
A child-like
or nocturnal alter.
I think this being
has manifested itself
Because of tara's lifetime
of secrets.
She's looking for answers
about her youth.
Maybe whimsical nighttime play
Helps her discover
those answers.
This wasn't whimsical.
Tinkerbell's whimsical.
This little fucker
pisses on people.
Tell you what.
Wait till tara's next session.
You come with her
And we'll talk together
about the memories
That have triggered
all this.
[Sighs]
You think that'll work?
I think having a professional
And a loved one working
in tandem
Can be very productive.
Okay.
I trust you.
Thank you.
Okay, I've got my prescriptions
filled,
A big pillow,
A sports bra
in my new size,
Four dvd's starring
kate hudson,
Soft bland foods in case
The anesthesia makes me pukey,
and--oh, hey.
Did you remember to get
Those pudding snacks
that I like?
I did but kate ate
all the vanilla ones.
Okay, well someday when katy
gets her tits done
I will get my revenge.
Ha.
My child will never be
that insecure.
Um, tara, I chose you
To be my post-surgery
booby buddy
Because I thought
you'd be supportive.
[Clears throat]
You of all people
Should know what it's like
to be judged.
I do.
I do.
I just think you're beautiful
the way you are
And you don't need
to change.
Just--
I'm gonna take
great care of you.
You're gonna wake up
in that operating room
On a fluffy vicodin cloud.
And I'm gonna take you home
And tuck you in and put
on you, me, and dupree.
Okay.
Could almost be fun,
Except you'll have
a drainage tube in your chest
And moderate to spectacular
bruising.
Do you think dr. Pete
can fix me?
I'm weary of anyone
who calls himself "dr. Pete."
Come on, tara.
Reassure me.
It's gonna be fine.
Just three little incisions
And everything will be fine.
[Nervous laugh]
Come here.
So we're just committing
random acts of violence?
Yeah, that's the main objective.
Mug the prostitute.
It's really funny.
[On tv]
ugh! Ah!
[Unintelligible]
You're right.
That's quite a delight.
[grunting on tv]
So, uh...can I ask you
for some advice
On something weird?
Seriously?
You want advice from moi?
Your shallow big sister
Whom you've mocked
and belittled?
That's rich.
Forget it.
Come on.
Proceed.
Jason is ignoring me.
Ignore him back.
See, I'm surprised
you'd say that.
I--I thought you'd tell me
to, like, pursue him boldly.
No.
I mean some people
can be that, moosh.
Like people like me.
But you have to play it cool.
Besides, the odds aren't really
in your favor
Because we don't even know
if jason's a homo.
I mean I think he's a homo
Because he has a bad case
of gay face.
But even I can't know for sure.
I mean, I see him
at hell house rehearsals.
But we're just so busy
Inhabiting our characters
and doing body work.
I just never get a good excuse
to talk to him.
Well, that's good.
That's great.
You have a mystique.
Don't talk to him.
Don't look at him.
Have you ever seen that movie
boomerang?
Gotta play the player.
I didn't see that film.
Anyway, I just couldn't
see myself
Being so insincere.
Just feels so fake
and manipulative.
Yeah.
[Sirens and grunting on tv]
I think you're the player.
No doubt.
I'm a baller, dude.
[Soft rock on radio]
* *
Hey, what are you doing
to the alphabets?
Ugh.
Well our son has a crush
And our daughter just filled out
her first w-2.
I think we're officially out
of alphabet territory.
Yeah, they're not our babies
anymore.
You have any fun memories
from that age?
I barely remember anything.
You know that.
Oh, hey, are you gonna drive
charmaine to dr. Pete's?
I gotta help kate
with her jackson pollock essay.
Yeah, yeah.
I'll pick her up after.
Are you telling me
you never snuck out of your dorm
To go see a boy
or something like that?
What are you driving at?
Nothing.
Just wanted to find out...
What made you.
What made me what?
A freak?
No.
[scraping]
I'm not your home improvement
project, max.
Forget it.
I'll get charmaine.
[Sighs]
Thank you.
[chatter on radio]
[Sniffs]
Tell tara to come get me
As soon as the clinic calls.
They said I could go home
45 minutes after I wake up.
Of course.
She's gonna stay with me
all night, right?
That's the plan.
So you get the whole place
to yourself.
Guys' night out.
Whoo hoo.
Whoo.
Actually...
I'm gonna go meet
tara's old roommate heidi.
What?
Tall heidi?
Turns out st. Ann's
has quite an alumni association.
There's only 14 heidis
since '89.
I don't know why
you do this to yourself.
It's crazy.
'Cause I want to find out
what happened to my wife.
What caused this disorder.
It's not a disorder.
It's a weakness.
All right, she does it
to herself.
You know that.
Look, they're characters
she plays
to--
You know,
you're a shitty sister.
You know that?
she always sticks up for you.
I speak the truth
because I care about her.
I am the best sister
in the world.
now if you'll excuse me,
I have to go have major surgery.
Elective surgery.
Major.
Majorly elective.
Major.
Hey, marshall.
Oh, hey.
What's up?
Oh, you know,
this and that.
Hey, uh, sorry I haven't,
You know, called you
or been able to hang out.
Just been so busy.
You know how it is.
Yeah, sure.
I know.
Have fun doing that.
Hey, you want to come
hang out with us?
We're doing paper mache.
It's french.
Enjoy yourselves.
[distant chatter on intercom]
well...
Look who's up.
Where's dr. Pete?
Dr. Pete's updating
his video blog,
But he wanted me to tell you
Your girls look gorgeous.
Mm.
you've been napping
on and off.
you're pretty much ready
to go.
we called your support person.
Oh, she's here?
Yes, the person is here.
[retching]
Nausea is common
in recovering patients.
Fine by me.
Long as it ain't coming
out the other end.
That's not my booby buddy.
Don't worry, babe.
I'll drive real safe
So you don't hurt
your new fun bags.
This isn't happening.
Tara, stop.
Call me buck.
Or I'm gonna leave you here
with the mummy's revenge.
This is so like you.
Is everything all right?
Hey.
I got it all under control,
sugar.
[Nervous laugh]
[Sobbing]
Ow.
[Slap]
Whoo hoo!
[Door shuts]
Ouch!
Careful.
Sorry, ma'am.
What the fuck
is elective surgery anyhow?
You wanna be sliced open
by a russki?
It's corrective surgery.
My first boob job came out
Looking like those googly eyes
You get in arts and crafts
at camp.
You know that.
Hey, you like mixed martial
arts?
No, I like romantic comedies
With women who fall down a lot.
Huh, these guys fall down
a lot.
Hell, they eat shit
every few minutes.
[Muffled scream]
[Huffs]
No cryin'.
Tara, I'm a fucking mess.
Okay, I feel like there
is an elephant
Sitting on my chest
and I am on drugs.
Please don't do this.
Okay, just stop.
I ain't tara.
You're lucky I'm here.
I was meant to go
to league night.
Now I gotta stay at home
on account
Of your womanly vanity.
Look at me.
I got my ass blown up
at con thien.
You don't see me bitchin'.
Tara, you didn't go
to vietnam.
You're a 35-year-old woman.
You've got two kids.
You lost your tonsils in '76
and that's it.
"Oxycodone."
This is hillbilly heroin.
It's for pain.
I got pain.
Ow.
Um, like I said,
I need to ask you
some stuff.
And, um, it's--
I mean,
it's kind of weird.
I just have this feeling
that, um,
Something...
Happened to tara
when you two went to school.
Are you, like--are you--
Are you divorcing her
or something?
You're trying to get dirt.
Is this a custody thing?
No, no, no, no, no.
No, nothing like that.
Not a custody thing.
Um, I--
It's a long story
and it's complicated,
But I'm--I'm just doing this
because I love her.
Tara and I had a falling out
During our second year
of school.
anyway, I finally--
I get a boyfriend.
He's my first one.
And his name is trip.
And he's--
he's very outdoorsy.
He's really into windsurfing.
He's very weathered and,
you know, kind of melanoma sexy.
Right, okay.
right.
So one morning, uh,
Tara comes back
to the room
And she's all messed up.
Messed up how?
She looked like she had been
knocked around.
and I asked her what happened
and she said that
she didn't know.
I didn't--also--
I didn't--I didn't ask her
only really ask her
'cause that kind of shit
happened
at st. Ann's all the time.
it was the late '80s.
you know, mosh pits
and everything.
Yeah, but the night
that she was attacked.
so then I find out
From some girls around school
That she had slept
with trip that night.
Your trip?
yeah.
and I was pissed.
And then I confronted him
and he denied it.
And...
And tara and I never spoke
again.
and I didn't really know
what had happened.
But I've thought about it
over the years
And I just--
I think it's fishy.
Yeah, it's very fishy.
I think he lied and I think
he did do something to her.
Uh, what's trip's last name?
Can I have his last name?
You have a pen or...
His name is trip johansen
[on tv]
go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
and a left kick
to the body.
I peeked under the bandages.
See anything you like?
I think it's gonna be nice.
Once the weeping stops.
You're a nice-lookin' woman.
I bet that commie doctor
fixed you up good.
Could that go off?
Depends how much more
you talk.
Ha ha.
If I talk about the kids,
Will that change you back?
Back to what?
I hear marshall has a crush
on a boy at school.
Probably another creampuff.
They're runnin' rampant
these days.
How can you talk that way
about your son?
Marshall ain't my son,
thank god.
If I had a son,
he'd be a grade-a pussy hound.
You got him!
take the fucker down!
Ah, shit.
Maybe he's just struggling
with his identity.
I still don't know
who I am.
I fucking got fired
from vita-self.
Sure got fucked over
With that whole
restraining order thing.
Right?
We don't even know
who defaced
That ridiculous mural.
I mean, obviously tara did.
I mean you...
did.
I mean...
Are you tara?
What do you think?
I don't know anymore.
That lady's got problems.
The rest of us just gotta
hold it down
As long as we can.
I really hate her.
Sometimes.
I don't understand women.
[Blows]
Always fightin'.
Must be because
of your monthly bill.
It's a sister thing.
You wouldn't understand.
[Blows]
I mean, my whole life
Tara's been more loved
by everyone.
I mean,
our parents obviously.
She always attracts
good guys.
They weren't all good.
Max is great.
I've never been with
anyone great.
just guys who work in bars
And have huge gross arms.
Guys whose names
are action verbs.
[Laughs]
hey, it's like me.
Buckin' bronco!
He he hoo!
Good for you.
I feel like shit.
My hair's a mess.
Can you help me?
Just stop cryin', okay?
[Sighs]
"Trip...
"Trip johansen."
Thanks for this.
I'm not supposed to lift my arms
until day three.
Yep.
Think you could take me
to the gun range some time?
Sure.
Just gotta watch out
for the kick back.
Don't want to bust a titty.
I think I'd look good
with a gun.
Most women do.
Oh, be sure and condition
the ends.
You know, tara used to wash
my hair
When we were kids.
[Laughs]
One time we were playing
beauty salon
Outside with the hose
and we got in trouble
because the shampoo killed
mom's geraniums.
And--
buck?
Charmaine?
You--oh, god.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, tara, you're back.
[Coughing]
yeah.
[Retching]
I'm sorry.
Cigarettes make me sick.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Take your time.
[Coughs]
[Spits]
Who drove you home?
Buck did.
Oh, no.
Was he horrible?
No.
He was a pretty good
booby buddy.
[Jazz music playing]
* *
[Phone buzzes]
Hello.
Oh, hey.
[Sighs]
There is absolutely nothing
healthy in this bag.
Good.
I need lots of bad carbs
To soak up all this
prescription dope.
How do you feel?
Mm, like someone shoved
saltwater bags
Under my pec muscles.
But my hair looks amazing.
[Laughs]
Buck should open a salon.
Yeah, he could call it
hair trigger.
Funny.
[Laughs]
Not really.
So wait, what's the story
with jason?
Did you talk to him?
Shh! He goes to school here,
you know?
Along with 4,000
other assholes
Who happen to live
in the district.
So what happened?
Pretty much blew him off
at sets.
Like you said.
I was both cold
and aloof.
And how'd that work out?
He called me last night.
No shit!
Yeah, he had--
He had a question about
mccabe and mrs. Miller.
But I think he was lying
because, I mean,
Since when does he even care
about altman anyway?
He doesn't.
I was right.
Yeah.
I don't know.
Just feels so phony.
I mean, why do people have
to hide their feelings
To seem more attractive?
Because people only chase
Whatever it is that
they can't have.
It's basic boy science.
There's actually
this old book on it
Called the rules.
Aunt charmaine has it
on her toilet.
[Bell rings]
So I basically just have
to keep pretending
That I don't like him?
I mean, you could even act
Like you actively dislike him
And that'd probably work okay.
I don't get it.
It's all about maturity,
moosh.
Like, you know that stuff
they teach you in kindergarten
About being yourself?
It's bullshit.
Don't ever be yourself.
It's the kiss of death.
[Door shuts]
you're back!
I had to take care of her
all day.
Didn't even get to shower.
You are a great breast friend.
Booby buddy.
[Grumbles]
[Sniffs]
Mm, I smell gun oil
and lucky strikes.
Mm, guess why.
Hi, mommy.
Hi, sweetheart.
Why are you wearing that?
Oh, I forgot to bring
a change of clothes
And had to borrow something
from charmaine.
Where does she shop,
forever 36?
[Laughs]
So what did you guys do
last night?
Had this place to yourselves.
Kind of fun, right?
Oh, I went out
with the girls.
We saw this movie.
It was the dumbest movie
of all time, mom.
It is so stupid.
I cannot wait
to go see it again
so I can hate it even more.
I worked on sets
at the hell house.
We're coming really close
to a realistic underworld look.
Plus I created
this faux finish
That looks exactly like
scabbed flesh.
Ew, cool.
Huh.
How about you?
I, uh, hit the gym with neil
And we had a couple beers.
Sounds nice
and counterproductive.
How's charmaniac?
Mm, she's great.
Her swelling's already
going down.
And I think when she heals,
They're both gonna point
in the same direction.
Ugh, mom, can we please
not talk
About charmaine's body?
Sorry.
(max)
well, we missed you.
Wanna try some of marshall's
skirt steak
With truffle salt, right?
Some mushrooms he's never even
heard of.
I would love nothing more.
Just gonna take a shower.
Back in a minute.
Yeah, 'cause you smell
like smoke.
So do you.
Hmm, busted.
(Tara)
change can be good
for the soul,
I guess.
Sometimes it's long overdue.
Aw.
Boosh.
In my case,
[Scoffs]
It's just a pain
in the ass.
I've never lied to the kids
about a transition before.
I just...
Don't want to put them
through any stress right now.
I told max though.
I know he'd never keep anything
from me.
[Camera beeps off]
Hey.
Hey.
[Clears throat]
I feel tired all the time.
I even wake up feeling
worn out.
You been having strange dreams?
No.
Why?
Am I talking in my sleep?
Hmm, not talking.
Hmm.
Did you just scoot away
from me?
No.
What's going on?
Nothing.
I love you.
Come here.
[Kiss]
[Haunting ragtime music]
* *